July 28, 2010 - Worst Comedian Ever

  • Season 2, Ep 17
  • 07/28/2010

The Worst Comedian Ever gets a Web Redemption, Twitter hates on LeBron James, and Daniel puts 20 Seconds on the Clock for boobs with abs.

>> KNOCK, KNOCK.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

"WHO'S THERE?"

WE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

DARRELL, FIRST I WANT TO WELCOME

YOU BACKSTAGE TO THE

WORLD-FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD IMPROV.

THIS IS WHERE ALL THE GREATS

HAVE GOTTEN THEIR START,

LIKE, SOMMORE, BRUCE BRUCE,

EARTHQUAKE.

DO YOU KNOW ANY OF THOSE?

>> NO, I--

KEEP GOING.

>> AH.

JUST HOW FAT IS YOUR

GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMA?

>> I MEAN, SHE WAS A BIG WOMAN.

I MEAN, SHE WAS JUST HUGE.

SHE PROBABLY WEIGHED ABOUT

438 POUNDS.

>> WELL, THAT'S A GOOD

REFERENCE.

NOW I FINALLY KNOW HOW BIG

SHE WAS.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY?

>> I'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP

COMEDY FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS,

OFF AND ON.

>> HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO?

>> EIGHT OR NINE YEARS OLD.

>> AND DID YOU PUT IT ONLINE?

>> YES, SIR, I DID.

>> DID YOU KNOW THAT IT BECAME

SO POPULAR?

>> WELL, WHEN I GOT A CALL THEY

WANTED ME TO FLY OUT HERE

TO LOS ANGELES, I SAID,

"OH, SHIT."

I SAID, "I GOT SOMETHING GOING

ON NOW."

>> [laughs]

HAD YOU EVER SEEN HOW MANY

VIEWS YOUR VIDEO GOT ONLINE?

>> I KNOW IT GOT QUITE A BIT,

BUT I JUST DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

HOW MANY IT GOT.

>> THAT TAPE THAT WAS ONLINE,

WAS THAT IN FRONT OF A LIVE

AUDIENCE?

>> THAT'S, LIKE, A PUBLIC ACCESS

CHANNEL, LIKE KARL-STOR CABLE

IN BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY,

AND ANYBODY CAN GET ON THERE.

>> SO THAT WAS A TELEVISED

PERFORMANCE.

>> YES, SIR.

>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TIME?

>> YES, SIR, IT WAS.

>> IT WAS YOUR FIRST TIME DOING

STAND-UP WAS ON TV.

>> YES, SIR.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

I DID STAND-UP FOR PROBABLY

SEVEN YEARS BEFORE I EVER TRIED

IT ON TELEVISION.

YOU WENT THE OTHER WAY.

HAVE YOU EVER PERFORMED IN FRONT

OF A LIVE AUDIENCE?

>> I PERFORMED ONE TIME

IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE,

AND THAT WAS LIKE--

I WAS KIND OF NERVOUS,

BUT I WENT ON AND DONE IT

ANYHOW, AND, YOU KNOW...

>> WAS IT A GOOD EXPERIENCE?

>> YES, IT WAS.

IT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN.

>> HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH

HECKLERS, IF SOMEBODY YELLS

SOMETHING?

>> WELL, IF THEY YELL

SOMETHING, I JUST YELL BACK.

I SAY, "SIT DOWN!"

>> GOOD.

>> YOU KNOW.

>> YOU'VE GAINED CONTROL

OF THE ROOM.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE STAND-UP

COMEDIAN?

>> RICHARD PRYOR WAS MY

FAVORITE.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

WHAT STYLE OF COMEDY DO YOU LIKE

THE BEST?

>> I REALLY DON'T HAVE A STYLE.

I JUST LIKE ALL KIND OF COMEDY.

>> OKAY, WELL, MAYBE THAT'S WHAT

WE SHOULD DO.

WE SHOULD TRY TO HELP YOU FIND

YOUR VOICE TO MAKE YOU A BETTER

STAND-UP COMIC, FIND THE GENRE

THAT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

OKAY, YOU'RE STRENGTHS HAVE

TO BE YOUR SETUPS.

THEY'RE REALLY STRONG.

YOUR PUNCH LINES SEEM TO BE

COMPLETELY NONEXISTENT.

DO YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT?

>> I DO.

I WORRY A LOT ABOUT IT.

I REALLY DO.

>> DID YOU EVER READ ANY OF THE

COMMENTS PEOPLE WROTE ABOUT YOU

ON YOU VIDEO?

>> YES, I READ A LOT, AND IT WAS

VERY DISTURBING.

YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE COMMENTS

THAT THEY HAD READ ABOUT ME,

YOU KNOW, ABOUT "HE'S THE WORST

COMIC" AND ALL.

IT REALLY MADE ME FEEL BAD,

YOU KNOW, BUT I JUST PICKED UP

THE PIECES AND KEPT GOING ON,

YOU KNOW.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

I MEAN, LISTEN, I'VE HAD

HORRIBLE SHOWS.

WAY TOO MANY TO REMEMBER.

THANKFULLY NONE OF THEM WERE

FILMED AND PUT ONLINE.

TELL ME THE FAVORITE JOKE THAT

YOU'VE WRITTEN.

>> A RICH MAN, AND HE WOULD

INVITE 100 OF HIS CLOSEST

FRIENDS TO THE PARTY,

AND HE WOULD SAY,

"ANYBODY THAT JUMPED IN THE

SWIMMING POOL, I'LL BUY YOU

ANYTHING YOU WANT."

WHAT HE WOULD DO IS PUT

ALLIGATORS IN THERE,

AND ONE YEAR THEY HEARD A LOUD

SPLASH, AND THERE WAS THIS GREAT

BIG MAN IN THERE TOSSING AND

TURNING TO BOTH SIDES,

AND WHEN HE FINALLY GOT

TO THE OTHER SIDE,

THE RICH MAN WALKED UP TO HIM.

HE SAID, "I TOLD YOU I WOULD BUY

YOU ANYTHING YOU WANTED.

LET ME BUY YOU A HOUSE."

THE MAN SAID, "I DON'T WANT NO

HOUSE."

HE SAID, "WELL, LET ME GIVE YOU

$1 MILLION."

THE MAN SAID, "I DON'T WANT NO

$1 MILLION."

THEN THE RICH MAN SAID,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

HE SAID, "I JUST WANT TO KNOW

WHO IN THE HELL PUSHED ME

IN THIS SWIMMING POOL."

>> [laughs]

ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS LONG.

IF YOU HAVE A SHOW AT NIGHT,

WHAT WOULD YOU DO

LEADING UP TO THAT DAY?

>> WELL, I WOULD PREPARE MYSELF.

IT MEANS I WOULD GET UP AND LOOK

IN THE MIRROR.

I WOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR

ALL THE TIME, TRY TO SEE

IF I'M, YOU KNOW, MAKING THE

RIGHT FACE EXPRESSIONS AND

EVERYTHING, AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT

I'M DOING RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

>> HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO

WRITE THAT ACT?

>> OH, IT DIDN'T TAKE ME NO

TIME, BECAUSE, LIKE I SAID,

I MAKE IT UP IN MY MIND.

>> OH, SO YOU DON'T EVEN WRITE

IT DOWN BEFOREHAND.

YOU JUST GO ONSTAGE.

>> I JUST MAKE STUFF UP

IN MY MIND.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

>> THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING

A STAND-UP COMEDIAN

IS THE TRAVEL.

YOU HAVE TO TRAVEL CONSTANTLY.

ARE YOU GOOD AT TRAVELING?

>> YEAH, WHEN I GOT MONEY.

>> OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO EAT WHEN

YOU'RE ON THE ROAD?

>> MY FAVORITE FOOD IS BEANS

AND CORN BREAD.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORN BREAD,

'CAUSE I'M JUST A COUNTRY BOY.

YOU KNOW, LOVE THAT BEANS

AND CORN BREAD, 'CAUSE THERE

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH BEANS

AND CORN BREAD.

IT FEELS YOU UP, YOU KNOW,

SO I JUST LOVE BEANS AND

CORN BREAD.

>> NOW, CAN YOU EAT BEANS AND

CORN BREAD RIGHT BEFORE

PERFORMANCE?

THAT WOULD DO A NUMBER ON MY

STOMACH, BECAUSE I GET NERVOUS

BEFORE I GO ONSTAGE, SO IF

I HAD BEANS AND CORN BREAD,

I PROBABLY WOULD--

I PROBABLY MIGHT HAVE

AN ACCIDENT ONSTAGE.

>> WHATEVER.

IT DON'T BOTHER ME.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORN BREAD.

>> WHAT ABOUT WORKING ON

A CATCHPHRASE?

A LOT OF COMEDIANS ONSTAGE

HAVE A CATCHPHRASE.

DO YOU THINK THAT COULD BE

SOMETHING THAT MAYBE WOULD WORK

IN YOUR ACT?

>> I THINK IT WOULD.

>> YOUR CATCHPHRASE COULD BE

"BEANS AND CORN BREAD."

JUST AFTER EACH JOKE, JUST GO,

"BEANS AND CORN BREAD."

PEOPLE MIGHT LIKE THAT.

TELL ME HOW YOU CAME UP WITH

THE NAME "WORLD OF PICTURES."

>> WELL, BECAUSE FOR ONE THING,

I WAS IN THE PICTURES,

AND I WAS IN THE WORLD.

SO THAT'S THE REASON WHY I CAME

UP WITH THE WORLD OF PICTURES.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR

MANAGEMENT GROUP,

LIKE, THE MANAGEMENT TEAM

THAT MANAGED YOU.

>> NO, IT'S JUST SOMETHING

I MADE UP.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?

>> THE FRESH PRINCE.

>> THE FRESH PRINCE.

>> WITH WILL SMITH.

>> THAT WAS A GOOD SHOW.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JAZZY JEFF?

>> I DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST--

>> I THINK UNCLE CARL THREW HIM

OUT ONE TOO MANY TIMES.

>> [laughs]

>> THAT'S GOOD, WASN'T IT?

>> YEAH.

>> BEANS AND CORN BREAD.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[INDISTINCT AUDIO]

>> NO!

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> OH!

REJECTED!

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE HE SHOULD JUST BE ONE OF

THOSE INDOOR KIDS THAT READS.

MAYBE MOLLY MAIDS THERE WILL

HELP CLEAN UP YOUR FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T LOOK VERY HARD.

I WANT TO TRY.

SCORE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO HONESTLY TELL

YOU HOW MANY TIMES THAT TOOK?

>> YEAH.

>> ONE.

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

KNOCK KNOCK.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY,

"WHO'S THERE?"

WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

DARRELL, FIRST I WANT TO WELCOME

YOU BACKSTAGE TO THE

WORLD-FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD IMPROV.

THIS IS WHERE ALL THE GREATS

HAVE GOTTEN THEIR START.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY?

>> I'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP

COMEDY FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS.

>> WELL, HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO?

>> EIGHT OR NINE YEARS OLD.

>> AND DID YOU PUT IT ONLINE?

>> YES, SIR, I DID.

>> WHEN DID YOU KNOW THAT IT

BECAME REALLY POPULAR?

>> WELL, WHEN I GOT A CALL, THEY

WANTED ME TO FLY OUT HERE TO LOS

ANGELES, AND I SAID, "OH,

[BLEEP]."

I SAID, "I GOT SOMETHING GOING

ON NOW."

>> THAT TAPE THAT WAS ONLINE,

WAS THAT IN FRONT OF A LIVE

AUDIENCE?

>> NO, THAT'S AT A -- THAT'S

LIKE A PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL,

LIKE, CARL'S STORE CABLE IN

BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY, AND

ANYBODY CAN GET ON THERE.

>> SO THAT WAS A TELEVISED

PERFORMANCE?

>> YES, SIR.

>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TIME?

>> YES, SIR.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

I DID STAND-UP FOR PROBABLY

SEVEN YEARS BEFORE I EVER TRIED

IT ON TELEVISION.

YOU WENT THE OTHER WAY.

OKAY, YOUR STRENGTHS HAVE TO BE

YOUR SET-UPS.

YOUR PUNCH-LINES SEEM TO BE

COMPLETELY NONEXISTENT.

DO YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT?

>> I DO.

I WORRY A LOT ABOUT IT.

>> DID YOU EVER READ ANY OF THE

COMMENTS PEOPLE WROTE ABOUT YOU?

>> YES, I READ A LOT, AND IT WAS

VERY DISTURBING.

YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE COMMENTS,

THEY WASN'T TOO -- THEY REALLY

MADE ME FEEL BAD, YOU KNOW.

>> THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING A

STAND-UP COMEDIAN IS THE TRAVEL.

ARE YOU GOOD AT TRAVELING?

>> YEAH, WHEN I GOT MONEY.

>> WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO EAT WHEN

YOU'RE ON THE ROAD?

>> MY FAVORITE FOOD IS BEANS AND

CORNBREAD.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORNBREAD,

'CAUSE I'M JUST A COUNTRY BOY,

YOU KNOW.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORNBREAD,

'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG

WITH BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

IT FILLS YOU UP, YOU KNOW, SO I

JUST LOVE THEM BEANS AND

CORNBREAD.

>> TELL ME HOW YOU CAME UP WITH

THE NAME WORLD OF PICTURES.

>> WELL, BECAUSE FOR ONE THING,

I WAS IN THE PICTURES AND I WAS

IN THE WORLD, SO THAT'S THE

REASON WHY I CAME UP WITH IT,

THE WORLD OF PICTURES.

>> WHAT ABOUT WORKING ON A

CATCHPHRASE?

DO YOU THINK THAT COULD BE

SOMETHING THAT MAYBE WOULD WORK

IN YOUR ACT?

>> I THINK IT WOULD.

>> YOUR CATCHPHRASE COULD BE

BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

JUST AFTER EACH JOKE, JUST GO,

"BEANS AND CORNBREAD."

WE'RE GONNA HEAD OVER TO THE

FRIAR'S CLUB, DARRELL, SO YOU

CAN MEET A BUNCH OF GREAT

STAND-UP COMEDIANS AND THEY CAN

GIVE YOU ADVICE.

FIRST OF ALL, EVERYBODY, I

WANTED YOU TO MEET DARRELL.

>> HI, DARRELL.

>> FIRST OF ALL, I THINK YOU

SHOULD START OUT WITH A JOKE TO

BREAK THE ICE.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF

CHANGING YOUR FIRST NAME TO "I

REALLY"?

>> "I REALLY"?

>> I REALLY BLUETT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> TELL THEM WHAT I THOUGHT YOUR

CATCHPHRASE SHOULD BE.

>> BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

>> OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> THERE, THERE!

THAT'S THE NAME, RIGHT THERE!

>> WHEN YOU DID THE BIT ABOUT

BIRTH CONTROL FOR MEN AND YOU

SAID WE ARE -- GUYS WERE IN BIG

TROUBLE, I DIDN'T GET THAT JOKE.

WHERE WERE YOU GOING WITH IT?

>> BECAUSE WE WANT TO GET US

SOME.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GET US SOME,

WE GONNA HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?

>> NOT SO MUCH.

>> YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS

FOR?

EVERYTHING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE

TRUE.

YOU CAN EMBELLISH STUFF.

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT YOUR DOG,

EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

YOU CAN WALK DOWN THE STREET AND

JUST SEE SOMETHING AND GO --

PRETEND THAT'S YOUR LIFE, YOU

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> HEY, BROTHER, YOU KNOW, ONE

THING ABOUT COMEDY THEY FORGET

TO TELL YOU, IT TAKES MORE GUTS

THAN TALENT TO GET ON A STAGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

>> MY ADVICE TO YOU WOULD BE,

UM, YOU MIGHT WANT TO BLINK.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT YOU

WERE STONED.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIGH ON

DRUGS.

DO YOU SMOKE POT?

>> I HAVE DONE IT ONCE IN MY

LIFE.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ON TV RIGHT

NOW.

>> YES, I KNOW THAT, BUT YOU'RE

ON TV TOO, TALKING ABOUT YOU'RE

GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S HARD TO TOP ANT'S

BLINKING ADVICE.

AND THEN OTHERWISE, I THINK

YOU'RE FUNNY.

I'M TELLING YOU, THE STUFF YOU

SAID AT THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE,

YOU JUST SAY WHATEVER COMES TO

YOUR MIND.

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BE

A --

>> WE'RE GONNA WORK -- WE'RE

GONNA WORK ON IT TODAY.

WE'RE GONNA WRITE SOME MATERIAL,

AND WE'RE GONNA TRY SOME

DIFFERENT GENRES OF COMEDY.

I THINK A LOT OF THE ADVICE WAS

VERY HELPFUL.

>> I THINK I GOT GREAT ADVICE.

WHY DO M&MS COME IN DIFFERENT

COLORS?

THEY ALL TASTE THE SAME.

MY AGENT SENT ME ON AN AUDITION.

IN THE WAITING ROOM, THEY WAS

PLAYING ARCADE FIRE.

WHO LISTENS TO THAT BAND

ANYMORE?

THIS CLUB IS FOR TIGER WOODS.

IT HELPS HIM CONCENTRATE.

[MOTOR-BOATING]

I BELIEVE THAT THE OLYMPICS ARE

RACIST.

HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN SPEED

WALKING?

WHAT'S NEXT?

THE SHORT JUMP?

YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORSTEST THING

ABOUT A FAMILY REUNION IS, IS

SEEING ALL YOUR EXES.

OOH-WHEE, BUDDY.

>> DARRELL, I THINK WE REALLY

FOUND YOUR VOICE OUT THERE.

BUT WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU IS

DARRELL BEING DARRELL.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YES, I AM.

>> WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET THAT

SHOT ON THE GREATEST TALK SHOW

OF ALL TIME.

>> IT'S ARSENIO HALL!

>> WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL

RECREATION OF THE ARSENIO HALL

SHOW.

LET'S FIND OUT WHO THE DOG POUND

IS TONIGHT.

THERE THEY ARE.

>> WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO!

>> THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO WISH

THE JEFF DUNHAM SHOW WAS STILL

ON THE AIR.

>> NO, NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE

ARE.

>> MY FIRST GUEST IS A YOUNG

COMIC WHO IS TAKING THE COUNTRY

BY STORM.

HE'S MAKING HIS NETWORK

TELEVISION DEBUT RIGHT HERE,

RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE WELCOME MR. DARRELL

BLUETT.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK

YOU.

I WENT TO THE MALL AND THERE WAS

THIS REAL FAT WHITE LADY TRYING

ON A MICKEY MOUSE SHIRT.

I'M A BLACK GUY, AND EVEN I

THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS TOO FAT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS SO FAT, WHEN SHE PUT THE

SHIRT ON, MICKEY MOUSE GOT

DIABETES.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, MICKEY HAD A CAMEL TOE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "YOU NEED A TOP,

HONEY.

GET OVER TO THE SPORTS CHALET

CAMPING SECTION."

BEANS AND CORNBREAD!

BEANS AND CORNBREAD!

BEANS AND CORNBREAD!

THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HE IS NOT THE WORST!

HE'S NOT THE WORST!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> YOU HAVE A SEAT RIGHT HERE.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

YOU'VE BEEN IN HOLLYWOOD.

YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON YOUR

CRAFT.

HOW HAS THIS TOTAL EXPERIENCE

BEEN FOR YOU?

>> OH, IT'S BEEN AWESOME, MAN.

IT'S BEEN GREAT.

AND MEETING YOU, IT'S EVEN BEEN

EVEN BETTER, YOU KNOW.

DREAMS CAN COME TRUE, AND

PRAYER, YOU KNOW, DO CHANGE

THINGS, YOU KNOW.

>> IT DOES.

AND YOU KEEP WORKING HARD ON

YOUR CRAFT.

TOUCH THAT.

YOU'RE NUMBER ONE, BROTHER, IN

MY BOOK.

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

NOW IT'S TIME FOR A TYLER PERRY

ORIGINAL, MADEA GOES TO THE

PLAYGROUND.

[INDISTINCT AUDIO]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

SHE'S HIGHER THAN HER

CHOLESTEROL LEVEL.

LET'S WATCH GRAVITY DO SOME OF

ITS BEST WORK IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN BASED ON THE NOVEL

PUSH BY SAPPHIRE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLAYGROUNDS IN CLEVELAND AREN'T

VERY CHEERFUL THESE DAYS.

BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA STOP

MONIQUE AND HER WHITE BOYFRIEND

FROM USING THE SWING.

I'M IMPRESSED HE'S ABLE TO PUSH

HER.

MOST PEOPLE WOULD AVOID HER

SWINGING TOWARD THEM LIKE THE

BOULDER FROM INDIANA JONES.

[LAUGHTER]

NOTICE, THEY HAD TO BRING THEIR

CHAPERONE TO SIT ON TOP OF THE

SWING TO ANCHOR IT TO THE EARTH.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM GONNA POINT OUT THAT HE'S

BLACK, SO I ASSUME HE JUMPED UP

THERE.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

OH!

EVERY PLAYGROUND NEEDS A

"FATAPULT."

[LAUGHTER]

UH-OH.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE LOST THEIR

HAPPY THOUGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCREAMS]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> SORRY, HAITI.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S AT LEAST AN 8.2.

[LAUGHTER]

HER ASS IS BUILT FOR CRASH

LANDINGS, AND LUCKILY, HER BLACK

BOX LOOKS RECOVERABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OOH!

UH-OH.

YOU OKAY?

>> UHH!

THERE GOES HER HAIR.

[LAUGHTER]

HER WEAVE JUST UNWOVE.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S WARREN

SAPP.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO GET THEIR

"HURR" DID.

LET'S SEE IT AGAIN.

[SCREAMS]

>> OOH!

UH-OH.

YOU OKAY?

>> SHE LOOKS FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF AMELIA EARHART PROVED

ANYTHING, IT'S THAT WOMEN ARE

TERRIBLE AT FLYING.

AND IF THIS VIDEO PROVED

ANYTHING, IT'S THAT JUNGLE GYM

FEVER CAN STILL BE DANGEROUS.

AND FOR THAT, WE SAY, "OH, NO,

HE DIDN'T."

THERE'S A GOOD POSSIBILITY THIS

NEXT GUY IS GIVING IT TO YOUR

MOTHER.

>> HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY YOU'VE

BEEN HERE?

>> 40 TIMES.

>> 40 TIMES.

WHY?

I MEAN, WHY?

WHAT BRINGS YOU TO HEDONISM THAT

MANY TIMES?

>> THE WILD WOMEN, THE WILD

WOMEN.

THE RIPPING AND THE TEARING, THE

RIPPING AND THE TEARING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THEN AROUND 6:00, IT'S TIME

FOR THE SLEEPING AND THE

SNORING, THE SLEEPING AND THE

SNORING.

ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED A GUY

IN A SPEEDO IS BEING CREEPY?

DON'T THROW OUT YOUR BACK, RICK.

YOU NEED THAT FOR THE RIPPING

AND THE TEARING.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

THIS IS THE MOST HONEST CIALIS

COMMERCIAL I'VE EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE WILD WOMEN, THE WILD

WOMEN.

THE RIPPING AND THE TEARING, THE

RIPPING AND THE TEARING.

>> GIVE ME THAT.

>> MOM WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TIME

YOU WANT TO HAVE LUNCH.

ARE YOU RIPPING AND TEARING?

NOT WITHOUT ME, YOU'RE NOT.

>> WHOA!

[LAUGHTER]

WHY COULDN'T THE MOVIE "COUPLES

RETREAT" BE THIS ENTERTAINING?

BEFORE WE GO, PEOPLE ARE STILL

PRETTY UPSET AT LEBRON JAMES FOR

GOING TO MY BELOVED MIAMI HEAT,

AND THEY'RE LETTING HIM KNOW ON

TWITTER.

BECAUSE MY TWITTER FANS ARE

ALWAYS MAD AT ME, I THOUGHT I'D

SHOW YOU SOME REAL TWEETS AND

WE'D GUESS IF THEY'RE TO ME OR

TO LEBRON.

[READING ALOUD]

HOPE YOU SNAP YOUR THUMB AND

[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW THAT'S TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

LEBRON? WHAT?

WHY WOULD HE HAVE HIS THUMBS IN

WADE'S BUTT?

THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

>> I'M CARRYING YOUR BABY.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GOT TO BE

LEBRON.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS HAVE HUGE

LITTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S MINE?

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

SEE YOU IN COURT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SO OVER YOU AND YOUR SUPERIOR

ATTITUDE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S FAIR.

THAT'S LEBRON.

AH, I'M RIGHT.

OF COURSE I AM.

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HAVE A --

[LAUGHTER]

WHO IS IT?

AAH!

THAT IS NO WAY TO TELL ME,

DOCTOR.

[LAUGHTER]

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

DOCTOR-PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY?

HE'S USING TWITTER!

HEY, DANIEL, YOU GOT AIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

SEMI-COLON, FROWNY FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

WILL I FIND YOU, SHOVE A

CHAINSAW UP YOUR [BLEEP] AND

TURN IT ON AND KILL YOU.

WOW!

THEY ARE REALLY MAD AT LEBRON.

ME?

WELL, GOOD LUCK, BECAUSE A

CHAINSAW IS REALLY HARD TO

START.

YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MY B-HOLE FOR

AN HOUR.

[LAUGHTER]

GETTING THAT OIL-GAS RATIO,

PULLING THE CHOKE OUT.

UNLESS YOU HAVE AN ELECTRIC

CHAINSAW, AND THAT'S NOT GONNA

KILL ME.

THAT'S GONNA FEEL GREAT.

THIS NEXT VIDEO'S REALLY STRONG.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

ISN'T BRA SHOPPING JUST A

NIGHTMARE, LADIES?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK SO YOU LOSERS AT

HOME DON'T GO, "THERE WASN'T 20

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK THIS WEEK."

[LAUGHTER]

CHECK OUT THOSE WASHBOARD

TITTIES.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A SOLID FOOT AND A HALF

OF CLEAVAGE.

SHE'S GOT THE SITUATION ON HER

JUGS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LESS DISGUSTING THAT

MADONNA'S VEINY BODY.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

"BUT MADONNA'S 50."

SHE'S STILL DISGUSTING.

[LAUGHTER]

TO MOTORBOAT THOSE THINGS, I'D

RECOMMEND A MOTORBOAT.

[LAUGHTER]

AN EVINRUDE.

250 HORSEPOWER OUTBOARD.

THAT'LL GET YOU TO YOUR FAVORITE

FISHING HOLE IN A HURRY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> LISTEN, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

[CAN CLATTERS]

[BELCHES]

HE'S KILLING THEM.

>> LOOK AT HIM CATCH UP.

FILLIN' UP.

[CAN CLATTERS]

>> LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A

DRINKING CONTEST HERE.

16 BEERS VERSUS ONE PLUS-SIZE

CAT BURGLAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE THOSE ODDS.

NOW LET'S PLAY "GUESS WHAT

HAPPENS NEXT."

[AUDIENCE OHS]

HE PUKED.

BUT CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS

NEXT?

[CAN CLATTERS]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

KEEP YOUR CHINS UP, BUDDY.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, DID YOU GUESS THAT HE'D

FINALLY MANAGE TO KEEP ONE DOWN?

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

HE CLOSES OUT WITH ONE FINAL

BLAST OF VOMIT, AND THAT'S HOW

YOU PLAY "GUESS WHAT HAPPENS

NEXT."

THAT'S GOT TO FILL OUR PUKE