Comedy Central Presents
Season 8

CC Presents: Kevin Hart

  • Season 8, Ep 6
  • 02/12/2004

For Kevin Hart, marriage is a battlefield.

GOT ME FEELING TALL UP HERE.

STOP IT.

MAKING ME THINK I'M SEXY OR

SOMETHING.

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

GOOD?

IS EVERYBODY GOOD?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OH.

I JUST GOT MARRIED, PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA TALK

ABOUT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T WANT YOU ALL TO CLAP,

I WAS JUST TELLING Y'ALL WHAT

HAPPENED.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M THAT HAPPY

ABOUT IT.

GOD, BOY, ALL WE DO IS ARGUE.

THAT'S IT.

WHEN WE WAS BOYFRIEND AND

GIRLFRIEND, WE WAS HAPPY.

AND NOW, ALL WE DO IS ARGUE.

YOU EVER ARGUE THE FEMALE AND

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARGUMENT

YOU NO LONGER FEEL SAFE?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

BECAUSE OF HER ACTIONS?

LIKE, SHE MIGHT START PACING

BACK AND FORTH REAL FAST.

BREATHING OUT HER NOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY GIRL DO?

WHEN SHE GET MAD, SHE START

TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON.

THAT'S SCARY AS HELL BECAUSE

THAT'S HER WAY OF TELLING ME

THAT FROM THIS POINT ON SHE'S

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR NONE OF HER

ACTIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M SERIOUS, THOUGH.

IT'S LIKE SHE FORGET THAT SHE

REAL FOR LIKE, FIVE MINUTES.

SHE JUST START YELLING,

YOU KNOW? "YOU KNOW, KEVIN,

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

SEE, YOU DON'T THINK TORI CRAZY,

DO YOU?"

"AH, BABY, I-- I THOUGHT YOU

WAS TORI."

[LAUGHTER]

"OH.

OH.

SEE, YOU THINK SHE PLAYING,

HUH?"

"W-- WAIT A MINUTE."

I GOT SO SCARED, I STARTED

TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON.

"NO, KEVIN DON'T.

HE-- HE DON'T THINK SHE

PLAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

HE-- HE JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE

SHE AT.

IT'S DARK IN HERE, AND HE CAN'T

SEE HER, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

HE DON'T WANNA PLAY THIS

NO MORE."

SHE KNOWS HOW TO PUSH MY

BUTTONS, MAN.

GOD, SHE GETS MAD.

LIKE, I REMEMBER SHE TOLD ME

ONE TIME THAT I BETTER NOT

COME HOME AND GO TO SLEEP.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT,

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE

WITH SOMEBODY, YOU TELL úEM

THAT THEY BETTER NOT COME HOME

TO GO TO SLEEP?

SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GONNA

CHOKE ME WITH A DIRTY SOCK

UNTIL MY EYES POPPED OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A DIRTY SOCK?

[BLEEP]DAMN.

THAT'S NOT EVEN A WEAPON.

I WAS PISSED OFF 'CAUSE WE HAD

CLEAN SOCKS RIGHT THERE IN THE

DRAWER.

YOU CAN'T GRAB A CLEAN SOCK,

AT LEAST?

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S SELFISH, TOO, MAN.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING THAT IRKS

ME.

SHE'S REAL SELFISH.

LIKE YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING HAS

TO BE FOR HER OR ABOUT HER.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NOTHING CAN BE FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, WE THE SAME HEIGHT,

SO WE WEAR THE SAME SIZE IN

CLOTHES, YOU KNOW.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I LEND

HER A SHIRT, A PAIR OF JEANS.

I DON'T MIND, I'M A NICE GUY,

YOU KNOW?

I GET MAD 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO

SHOPPING BY MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, SHE GOTTA COME WITH

ME.

BUT WHEN SHE DOES IS, SHE'LL

SEE SOMETHING THAT SHE LIKES

IN THE STORE, AND WHAT SHE'LL

DO IS, SHE'LL CONVINCE ME TO BUY

IT FOR MYSELF, SO SHE CAN TAKE

IT LATER.

YOU KNOW.

I'M JUST TOO STUPID TO FIGURE

IT OUT AT THE TIME, YOU KNOW?

"OH, BABE, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD

GET THAT SHIRT.

THAT'S NICE, THAT'S CUTE,

THAT'LL LOOK GOOD ON YOU."

"THE TUBE TOP?"

"YEAH.

EVERYBODY WEARING THOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT."

[APPLAUSE]

MY DUMB ASS BOUGHT IT.

WORE IT TO THE FAMILY REUNION.

[LAUGHTER]

MY UNCLE GOT MAD.

"BOY, WHAT THE HELL YOU GOT

A TUBE TOP FOR?"

SHE'S TALKING ABOUT IT, MAKE

MY BACK AND MY STOMACH LOOK

NICE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOMEBODY THING I HAD TO

MATCH THIS SKIRT.

THAT'S ALL I HAD IN THE HOUSE.

SHE TOLD ME SHE LIKED IT.

ME WHEN SHE'S NAKED.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO WOMEN DO THAT?

I CAN'T ARGUE WITH YOU WHEN

YOU'RE BUTT-ASS NAKED.

HOW I'M DO THAT?

HOW I'M BE ANGRY UP HERE,

WHEN HE HAPPY?

I CAN'T DO THAT.

I CAN'T.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE THEN HE'LL BE CONFUSED.

YOU KNOW?

WE'LL START ARGUING.

HE'S LIKE, "TAKE IT, MAN,

TAKE IT."

I'M LIKE, "NO, NOT THIS TIME.

SHE TRYING TO TURN US AGAINST

EACH OTHER.

I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WERE HERE BEFORE SHE WAS,

ALL RIGHT?

AND WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE

EACH OTHER.

WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE EACH OTHER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

I REMEMBER ONE TIME SHE GOT ME

SO MAD WE GOT INTO A FISTFIGHT.

WE ACTUALLY GOT INTO A

FISTFIGHT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU

LOST A FIGHT TO YOUR WOMAN?

WHEN THE COPS COME TO YOUR HOUSE

AND ASK YOU, DO YOU WANNA PRESS

CHARGES?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT DIDN'T

GO LIKE YOU PLANNED.

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE THE COP CAME, AND HE WAS

SO WORRIED.

HE SAID, "OH, MY GOD, WHO WOULD

DO--

LISTEN, SIR, ARE YOU OKAY?

LOO-- DO YOU WANNA PRESS

CHARGES?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, YOU NEED

TO BE ASKING HER THAT."

HE'S LIKE, "WELL, FROM THE LOOKS

OF THINGS, NO, I DON'T,

OKAY?!

[LAUGHTER]

"LOOK AT YOUR FACE, FOR CRYING

OUT LOUD!"

AND SHE WAS IN THE BACKGROUND

LIKE, "YEAH, LOOK AT HIS FACE.

TORI BEAT HIS ASS, DIDN'T SHE?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THAT THREW THE COP.

HE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHO THE HELL

IS TORI, AND HOW MANY OF úEM

IS THERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE, "SIR, THAT'S

HER.

SHE TALKS IN THE THIRD PERSON

FROM TIME TO TIME.

YOU KNOW."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "LOOK, LET ME

TELL YOU SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT?

YOU ARE A GROWN LITTLE MAN.

OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

NOBODY SHOULD PUT THEIR HANDS

ON YOU LIKE THIS.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU DON'T PRESS CHARGES,

SHE'S GONNA BE BACK ON THE

STREETS DOING THE SAME DAMN

THING AGAIN.

NOW, SIR, WE NEED HER OFF THE

STREETS.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, LOOK AT YOUR

FACE, PLEASE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, IF--

IF IT'S THAT BAD, I GUESS

I SHOULD PRESS CHARGES."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "LOOK, DO YOU

GOT A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN STAY

TONIGHT?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, I CAN GO

WITH MY MOM IF I NEED TO."

HE'S LIKE, "WELL, GOOD.

GOOD.

MATTER OF FACT, YOU NEED TO GO

PACK A BAG.

I'M GONNA WALK WITH YOU TO MAKE

SURE SHE DON'T ATTACK YOU

AGAIN."

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE GOT MAD.

SHE'S LIKE-- "OH, Y'ALL GONNA

ARREST TORI, HUH?

Y'ALL JUST GONNA PUT TORI IN

JAIL?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, KEVIN?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY?

WHY?

BECAUSE I'M A GROWN LITTLE MAN,

ACCORDING TO OFFICER JOHNS.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR GOD'S SAKES, LOOK AT MY

FACE!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WITH HER AFTER THAT, THOUGH,

MAN.

WE BROKE UP FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

WE DID.

BROKE UP.

FOR LIKE, TWO WEEKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS SINGLE FOR TWO WEEKS.

I TRIED TO DATE EVERYBODY IN

THE WORLD, I SWEAR TO GOD I DID.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LONELY THOUGH, MAN.

BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU,

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU'RE

IN A RELATIONSHIP, EVERYBODY

WANTS YOU.

EVERYBODY WANNA TALK TO YOU.

BUT THE MINUTE THAT YOU'RE

SINGLE, DON'T NOBODY EVEN WANNA

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW HOW I KNEW I WAS

BECOMING A LOSER?

I WENT TO THE MOVIES BY MYSELF.

[AUDIENCE SIGHS]

OH, SHUT UP!

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO THE MOVIES BY MYSELF.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE

AT THAT ULTIMATE LOSER POINT IN

YOUR LIFE.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU GO SEE A

COMEDY BY YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER LAUGH

BY YOURSELF.

YOU GOTTA INTERVENE WITH SOMEONE

ELSE'S DATE.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH-- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW

YOU ALL WAS KISSING.

I APOLOGIZE.

I'M SORRY.

SO, I HAD TO FIND SOMEBODY,

MAN.

I HAD TO DATE SOMEBODY.

I MET THIS ONE OLDER WOMAN.

MET AN OLDER WOMAN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM

WITH HER WAS?

SHE WOULDN'T LET ME BE A MAN.

LIKE YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU

NEED TO BE A MAN.

YOU NEED TO DO MANLY-TYPE

STUFF, YOU KNOW?

YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT YOU WANNA

ORDER YOUR OWN FOOD AND DRINKS

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MEN DO.

WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT.

THE WAITER COMES.

HE'S LIKE, "SIR, WHAT WOULD YOU

LIKE TO DRINK?"

"AH, HE'LL HAVE A DOUBLE SHOT

OF JACK AND COKE."

"AH, M-- MISS JONES, I CAN'T

DRINK THAT, THAT BURN MY CHEST.

I CAN'T--

[LAUGHTER]

I-- I CAN'T PUT THAT DOWN."

"SHUT UP AND STOP BEING A

BITCH!"

"OH, MY GOD."

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M-- I'M GONNA TAKE THAT--

THE DOUBLE SHOT OF JACK--

WITH-- WITH A STRAW.

CAN I HAVE A STRAW, PLEASE?

[LAUGHTER]

IF I GET A STRAW, THAT'LL BE

GOOD."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SHE DID A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT

MESSED WITH ME MENTALLY.

LIKE, SHE KISSED ME WITH HER

EYES OPEN.

YOU KNOW.

I CAN'T STAND THAT.

IT FELT LIKE I WAS BEING SET UP,

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

WHO THE HELL DO YOU SEE?

IS TORI IN HERE?

WHERE IS SHE?

COME OUT, TORI!

JUST IRKED ME A LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS?

I THINK I TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN

TOO MUCH.

THAT'S A BIG PROBLEM I GOT.

I DO.

I REALLY DO.

TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN WAY

TOO MUCH.

LIKE, I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A

BIG-ASS TRUCK, JUST TO IMPRESS

WOMEN.

YOU KNOW.

DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERYBODY

LOOKS TALL IN A TRUCK?

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I HAD TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I LIKE

TO FLIRT.

AND ONE DAY I WAS AT THE

STOPLIGHT, AND I SAW THIS GIRL.

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, BABY,

YOU LOOK GOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU PULL OVER, LET ME

TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND."

SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

HE KIND OF CUTE."

HER AND HER GIRLFRIEND

HIGH-FIVE.

THEY WAS HAPPY.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL,

GET OUT.

COME TALK TO ME."

AND I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY TRUCK.

YOU KNOW.

I GOTTA JUMP OUT, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHAT WAS BAD, IS THAT WHEN

I JUMPED OUT, I DIDN'T HAVE

A GOOD LANDING.

I STUMBLED IT A LITTLE BIT,

YOU KNOW?

AND ALL I HEARD WAS, "OH,

MY GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY

KNEES."

AND THEY JUST PULLED OFF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY FACE HIT THE SIDE OF THE

DOOR.

I WAS LIKE-- "I GOT KNEES.

I JUST"--

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M HOLDING úEM UP.

"LOOK, I SWEAR TO GOD.

IT WAS A BAD JUMP.

I DIDN'T STICK IT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, IN GYMNASTICS, YOU--

AND YOU DON'T MOVE.

I-- OH-- AHH-AH!

SHE DIDN'T LIKE THAT TOO MUCH.

I THINK IF I WAS TOUGHER,

I WOULD HAVE BETTER LUCK.

'CAUSE FOR SOME REASON,

WOMEN LIKE TOUGH GUYS, YOU KNOW?

THEY LIKE TOUGH GUYS.

NOT THAT TOUGH, MAN.

I'M NOT.

LIKE, FOR SOME REASON WOMEN

DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH ME,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, "SO, YOU'RE KIND OF A

BIG GUY.

IF A WOMAN SEES YOU, SHE'LL

SAY, "OH, I CAN'T--

IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, I KNOW

I CAN JUST GRAB YOU AND WE'LL

BE SAFE."

IT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME WITH

ME.

IT'S LIKE "IF SOMETHING HAPPEN

WE SHOULD BOTH GET THE HELL

OUTTA HERE.

IT'S LIKE--

WE SHOULD JUST RUN, THAT'S ALL."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU RIGHT.

I-- YEAH, WE SHOULD.

TELL YOU WHAT, I HOPE YOU'RE

FAST, 'CAUSE I AM."

LIKE, I'M GONNA GET THE HELL

OUT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST NOT TOUGH ENOUGH, MAN.

I'M NOT.

YOU KNOW WHY I THINK I'M NOT

THAT TOUGH?

'CAUSE OF MY MOM.

MY MOM IS REAL RELIGIOUS,

YOU KNOW.

MY MOM WAS STRICT BRINGING ME

UP.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT, YOU KNOW,

I'M A LITTLE-- SWEET LITTLE KID.

I'M A MOMMA'S BOY.

I REALLY AM.

THE THING IS MY MOMMA'S

OVER-RELIGIOUS.

GOD, SHE'S OVER-RELIGIOUS.

YOU EVER MEET SOMEBODY THAT'S

OVER-RELIGIOUS?

TALK ABOUT GOD ALL THE TIME?

OR BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE

DEVIL?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY MOM.

EVERYTHING IS THE DEVIL'S FAULT,

YOU KNOW?

"BABY, THAT AIN'T NOTHING BUT

THE DEVIL.

THAT'S THE DAMN DEVIL, BABY.

THAT'S ALL THAT IS."

AND IT'S LIKE-- IT'S AT THE

POINT NOW WHERE YOU CAN'T HAVE

A CONVERSATION WITH THIS WOMAN.

BECAUSE IF YOU SAY SOMETHING

SHE DON'T AGREE WITH, SHE MAKE

IT SEEM LIKE IT'S NOT YOU

TALKING.

IT'S THE DEVIL.

YOU KNOW.

I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HER.

I WAS LIKE, "MA, YOU GOTTA

UNDERSTAND.

I'M OLDER NOW.

I GOT MY OWN OPINION.

OKAY?

I'M NOT GONNA AGREE WITH

EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

SOMETIMES I'M GONNA THINK WHAT

I WANNA THINK."

AND OUTTA NOWHERE, SHE START

YELLING.

SHE WAS LIKE, "LET HIM GO,

DEVIL!"

"WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"LET HIM GO, DEVIL!

TAKE ME INSTEAD!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS AIN'T THE DEVIL."

"YES, IT IS.

MY BABY WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME

LIKE THAT."

AND SHE START FLICKING

HOLY WATER AT ME, RIGHT?

JUST LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHEN SHE FLICKED THE

HOLY WATER, I GOT MAD AND

CURSED.

I WAS LIKE, "MA, YOU KNOW,

THIS IS BULL[BLEEP].

I'M LEAVING."

AND SHE FLICKED SOME MORE,

AND IT GOT IN MY EYE.

AND WHEN IT GOT IN MY EYE,

IT STARTED STINGING.

I WAS LIKE-- "OH, MY GOD,

IT STING.

I MIGHT BE THE DEVIL."

YOU KNOW, THE EYE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S LIKE, "BOY, YOU AIN'T

NO DEVIL.

THAT'S BLEACH.

DON'T YOU EVER CURSE AT ME,

I'LL BEAT YOUR LITTLE ASS IN

THIS HOUSE."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

Kevin Hart: I WAS BAD, THOUGH,

MAN.

THAT'S-- MY MOM WAS LIKE THAT.

I WAS TOO BAD.

I USED TO MAKE MY MOM PASS OUT.

SERIOUSLY, I DROVE MY MOM CRAZY

WHEN I WAS A CHILD.

SHE USED TO PASS OUT 'CAUSE

SHE HAD HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.

SO, WHEN MY MOM WOULD GET MAD,

HER BLOOD PRESSURE WOULD RISE,

AND SHE WOULD JUST PASS OUT.

YOU KNOW.

YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL WHEN SHE

WAS GONNA PASS OUT 'CAUSE HER

SENTENCES WOULD STOP MAKING

SENSE.

SHE WOULD JUST BE YELLING.

YOU KNOW.

"AH, KEVIN, TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF

THE REFR-- BOY, AND, UM--

PUT IT-- IN THE PIZZA BOX

BEFORE I SMACK, AH-- UM--."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

SHE JUST PASSED OUT ALL THE

TIME.

I JUST WISH I WAS SMARTER.

THAT'S ALL.

I WISH I WAS REALLY SMARTER.

LIKE I WASN'T THAT SMART AS A

KID.

I WAS DUMB.

I WAS, I CAN ADMIT IT.

I DON'T CARE.

THINK WHAT YOU WANNA THINK.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE ARE HONEST

WITH THEMSELVES.

I WAS DUMB.

I WAS.

THERE, THERE, I SAID IT.

SO WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

I COULDN'T DO MATH, MAN.

COULDN'T DO MATH TO SAVE MY

LIFE.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME, MY MOM

GOT SO FRUSTRATED WITH ME,

BECAUSE I COULDN'T GET A MATH

PROBLEM, THAT SHE CALLED ME

DUMB.

YOU KNOW.

SHE STARTED YELLING AT ME.

YEAH.

"KEVIN!

LOOK AT ME, BOY!

ALL RIGHT!

NOW, YOU CANNOT BE THIS DAMN

DUMB!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T BE!

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, KEVIN!

NOBODY'S THIS STUPID, BOY!

NOW, LOOK AT ME!

ALL RIGHT?!

IT'S SIMPLE MATH, KEVIN!

IT'S SIMPLE!

SIMPLE MATH, ALL RIGHT?!

ONE PLUS ONE!

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY?!

ONE PLUS ONE, KEVIN...

THAT'S ALL IT IS!

ADD úEM UP!

ADD úEM UP, BOY!

DO YOU HEAR ME?!

YOU ADD úEM UP, KEVIN, AND WHAT

DO YOU GET?!"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER GIVE YOUR MOM THE

"I'M THINKING" FACE?

YOU KNOW, THE...

[LAUGHTER]

"13, FOUR"--"

"BOY, SHUT THAT-- SHUT--

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT-- SHUT UP!

OKAY?!

YOU GOT THIS ONE AND THIS ONE!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT!

YOU GOT THIS ONE AND THIS ONE."

LIKE, THE MADDER SHE WOULD GET,

HER MOUTH WOULD JUST GET TIGHT.

"YOU HEAR-- YOU HEAR WHAT I'M

TELLING YOU?

YOU HEAR-- DO YOU HEAR WHAT

I'M TELLING YOU, BOY?

BECAUSE I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T,

BOY, IT'S GONNA BE SOMETHING.

NOW, LOOK AT ME, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT THIS ONE AND THIS ONE,

KEVIN, ONE AND ONE.

YOU PUT úEM TOGETHER.

YOU PUT úEM TOGETHER LIKE THIS,

AND YOU ADD úEM UP.

ADD úEM UP!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY?!

YOU ADD úEM UP, KEVIN!

AND WHAT DO YOU GET?!

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"ELEVEN?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS."

"ELEVEN?

I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU AIN'T

GONNA-- I WORKED EVERY--

AND WHAT IF I COME BACK--."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Kevin Hart: I HAD AN IMAGINARY

FRIEND--

EVERYBODY HAD IMAGINARY FRIENDS,

THOUGH.

WHEN YOU WERE A KID, EVERYBODY

HAD IMAGINARY FRIEND.

THEY DID.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T THINK PARENTS SHOULD

ALLOW THEIR KIDS TO HAVE

IMAGINARY FRIENDS.

I DON'T BECAUSE THAT JUST MEANS

THAT YOUR CHILD IS A STEP CLOSER

TO BEING CRAZY.

IT DOES.

THAT'S ALL IT MEANS.

IT MEANS YOUR CHILD IS ONE

STEP CLOSER TO LOSING HIS DAMN

MIND.

HONESTLY, THIS IS WHY I THINK

BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE--

THIS IS WHAT I THINK WE'RE

DIFFERENT AT.

I DO.

I THINK WE'RE ALL REALLY

DIFFERENT HERE.

BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE--

WHEN THEIR KIDS HAVE IMAGINARY

FRIENDS THEY GO ALONG WITH IT.

THEY THINK HE'S SPECIAL.

HE'S IMAGINATIVE.

HE'S GONNA BE SOMEBODY.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK PEOPLE, IT'S NOT THE

THING-- IT'S NOT THE SAME.

WE THINK HE'S STUPID THAT'S ALL.

THERE'S NO GAME AT ALL.

WE THINK HE'S DUMB.

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE PEOPLE PLAY, YOU KNOW?

LITTLE BOY WILL COME OUT.

"HEY, MOMMY, LOOK WHAT ANDY'S

DOING.

LOOK WHAT ANDY'S DOING."

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, WHERE-- WHERE IS HE,

HONEY, I DON'T SEE HIM.

IS HE HIDING FROM ME?

I DON'T--

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO PLAY

WITH ME.

WHERE-- WHERE IS HE?"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"YOU CAN'T SEE HIM, BECAUSE

HE'S ON YOUR BACK, MOMMY."

"OH, MY GOD, OH.

OH, MY GOD, HE'S HEAVY.

WOW, LOOK.

I CAN--

I CAN BARELY STAND UP.

LOOK AT MY LEGS SHAKING.

OH, MY GOD, HE'S--

HE'S SO HEAVY.

IS HE HUNGRY, HONEY?

LET'S FEED HIM BROWNIES.

LET'S GO FEED HIM."

[LAUGHTER]

THE MOM BAKES BROWNIES, COMES

OUT AND FEEDS HIM.

"HERE, DOES HE LIKE THEM?"

THEY'RE FALLING ON THE FLOOR.

[THUMPING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

"HE LOVES THEM, MOMMY.

HE LIKES THEM.

IT'S GREAT."

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU

SAY.

ANY TIME I A CHILD COMES AT YOU

AND STARES AT YOU WITHOUT

BLINKING, GET THE HELL OUT THE

HOUSE.

SOMETHING GETTING READY TO

HAPPEN.

HE GOT A BOMB OR SOMETHING IN

THERE.

RUN.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

BUT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN THE SAME

WITH BLACK PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT THE SAME.

YOU KNOW.

BLACK PEOPLE, IT'S DIFFERENT.

A LITTLE BOY WILL COME OUT,

YOU KNOW.

"HEY-- HEY, MOM.

HA-HA!

AH!

HA-HA-HA!

MA!

[LAUGHTER]

MA!"

'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE DON'T

REALLY LISTEN TO THEIR KIDS

THAT MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

"MA!

LOOK-- LOOK WHAT MALCOLM DOING,

MOM.

HE CRAZY.

LOOK AT HIM, PLAYING HIS STUFF.

LOOK HOW CRAZY HE IS."

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, WHERE--

WELL, WHERE THE HELL IS

MALCOLM AT?"

"HE-- HE RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH

TELLING ME JOKES AND STUFF.

HE'S SILLY, MOM."

[LAUGHTER]

"HE-- HE ON MY COUCH.

HE ON MY COUCH.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

COME HERE.

COME HERE, SPOON.

COME HERE.

I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES ON.

YOU SEE SOMEBODY ON THAT DAMN

COUCH?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

I KNOW DAMN WELL I AIN'T CRAZY.

I KNOW I AIN'T SEEN NOBODY.

AH, WHAT'S HE TELLING YOU, BABY?

WHAT'S HE SAYING TO YOU?"

"HE'S TELLING ME THERE'S--"

NO, COME HERE.

DON'T TELL MOMMY FROM THERE.

COME TELL MOMMY IN HER EAR.

I WANNA KNOW.

COME HERE, COME HERE.

COME HERE.

WHAT'D HE SAY TO YOU, BABY?

TELL ME RIGHT HERE IN MY EAR.

I'M LAUGHING ALREADY.

I KNOW HE CRAZY.

COME HERE, WHAT'D HE SAY?"

[APPLAUSE]

"GET YOUR DUMB ASS UPSTAIRS.

GET UP THE STEPS!

YOU CAN IMAGINE WHERE THE HELL

MALCOLM IS, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW

WHAT ONE PLUS ONE IS,

YOU DUMB ASS BASTARD."

YOU'LL HAVE BEEN A GREAT CROWD.

MY NAME IS KEVIN HART.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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