Tuesday, January 14, 2014

  • 01/14/2014

Rory Scovel, Jon Dore and Beth Stelling create knock-off band names, translate emoji sentences and explore the world of Airbnb.

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS, AS WE START OUR

COMPETITION.

LIL ZA, WHICH IS A PERSON'S

NAME WHO IS A MEMBER OF JUSTIN

BIEBER'S ENTOURAGE, WAS ARRESTED

FOR DRUG POSSESSION AFTER THE

BIEB'S HOUSE WAS RAIDED BY

POLICE FOLLOWING AN EGG ATTACK

ON HIS NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

THAT WAS A SENTENCE THAT I SAID

OUT LOUD THAT WAS A CORRECT

PORTRAYAL OF EVENTS THAT

TRANSPIRED.

TWITTER JUMPED ON THE NEWS

COVERAGE OF COURSE.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING COMMENTS

ON TWITTER HAD THE MOST

RETWEETS?

A. "BUT JUSTIN TOLD THE COPS

SORRY SO MANY TIMES, CAN I JUST

HOLD HIM FOR HOURS BECAUSE HE

MUST BE SO SCARED RN."

"RN" MEANS "RIGHT NOW."

OR IT COULD MEAN HE'S A SCARED

REGISTERED NURSE.

B. "THE COPS LOCKED JUSTIN

IN HIS GARAGE.

WHAT IF THEY FORGOT ABOUT HIM?"

C. "BIEBER CURRENTLY ACCEPTING

APPLICATIONS FOR A NEW LIL ZA."

WE'LL CALL THEM LIL ZA TWO.

JON DORE?

>> I HAVE TO GO WITH A.

"BUT JUSTIN TOLD THE COPS SORRY

SO MANY TIMES, CAN I JUST HOLD

HIM FOR HOURS BECAUSE HE MUST

BE SO SCARED, REGISTERED NURSE."

>> Chris: NO.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS C.

"BIEBER CURRENTLY ACCEPTING

APPLICATIONS FOR A NEW LIL ZA."

I'M SORRY, NO POINTS.

AS SOME OF YOU KNOW THE RED HOT

CHILI PEPPERS ARE NOW SET TO

JOIN BRUNO MARS AT THE SUPER

BOWL'S HALFTIME SHOW.

TO FOLLOW UP THIS NEWS,

WHICH ONE OF THESE TWEETS WAS

AN ACTUAL FLEA TWEET?

A. "WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME A

CONCUSSION ON STAGE?? #NFLFTW"

B. "WHY ARE WE PLAYING THE SUPER

BOWL? $$$$$$$ YA'LL"

C. "ANYBODY WANNA SEE MY (BLEEP)

AT THE SUPER BOWL?"

YES, BETH STELLING?

>> THE ANSWER WOULD BE A.

HE IS VERY TINY AND IT WOULDN'T

BE HARD.

>> CHRIS: IT SHOULD BE A.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS ACTUALLY

C, "ANYBODY WANT TO SEE MY

(BLEEP) AT THE SUPER BOWL?"

WHICH HE QUICKLY DELETED AFTER

THAT.

"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, I

WANTED TO SEE SOME FLEA (BLEEP)

AND IT NEVER HAPPENED."

BY THE WAY, A MAN ON REDDIT

POSTED THESE TICKETS HE BOUGHT

FOR A RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

CONCERT FOR $228.

I MEAN, THAT'S NOT TOO EXPENSIVE

TO SEE THE RED HOT CHILI

PEPPERS UNTIL YOU READ THAT HE

ACTUALLY BOUGHT TICKETS TO SEE

THE RED HOT CHILI PIPERS,

WHICH IS A BAGPIPE BAND

THAT'S DUPING PEOPLE.

>> (Scottish accent): WHO WANTS

TO SEE MY (BLEEP)?

>> Chris: WELL, IN THAT CASE

THEY WOULD BECAUSE THEY'RE

WEARING KILTS, THEY'RE

BAGPIPISTS.

SO YOU WOULDN'T JUST SEE THE

BASSIST'S, YOU'D SEE EVERYONE'S

(BLEEP).

>> I WANT TO KNOW WHO BPO NATION

IS THAT'S PULLING THESE

CONCERTS TOGETHER.

"I KNOW HOW WE CAN MAKE MONEY.

GET THE PIPERS HERE!"

>> Chris: THERE'S NOTHING MORE

ROCKIN' THAN AN INSTRUMENT THAT

SOUNDS LIKE AN ELEPHANT SOBBING.

(PLAYING AIR BAGPIPES)

ARE YOU MOTHER (BLEEP) READY

TO ROCK?

(LAUGHTER)

BY THE WAY, THANKS TO EVERYONE

#HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

>> Chris: LET'S TEST OUR

SHORT-TERM MEMORIES.

TODAY ON REDDIT, A USER SAID

HIS FRIEND ORDERED TWO TICKETS

TO SEE THE RED HOT CHILI

PEPPERS, BUT FOR HIS $228

HE RECEIVED TWO TICKETS TO SEE

THE RED HOT CHILI PIPERS,

"BAGPIPERS WHO ROCK"

AND WHOSE NAME IS CONFUSING.

COMEDIANS, WITH THAT IN MIND,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS:

#KNOCKOFFBANDS.

EXAMPLES: HUEY LEWIS AND THE FOX

NEWS, OR THE NEW BEATLES,

OR BLINK-181.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA GET

YOUR ANSWERS READY, SET, GO!

BETH?

>> THE PENISY CHICKS.

>> Chris: OH, INSTEAD OF THE

DIXIE CHICKS?

I LOVE IT.

POINTS.

RORY SCOVEL?

>> POSSIBLY GIANTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL DONE.

BETH STELLING?

>> BRITNEY WHOLE-PICKLE.

NOT JUST A SPEAR.

>> Chris: I LIKE THE IDEA

OF BRITNEY WHOLE-PICKLE.

POINTS.

YES, JON DORE?

>> OKAY, BIT OF EXPLANATION.

>> Chris: GOOD, WE HAVE 15

SECONDS.

>> A GROUP OF HOMELESS MEN

PERFORMING RUSH SONGS AND IT'S

CALLED "BUM RUSH THE SHOW."

(LAUGHING)

>> CAREFUL.

(BUZZER)

>> Chris: THAT WAS A FARTHER

JOURNEY THAT YOU GETTING HERE

FROM CANADA.

POINTS, WELL DONE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SWEET EMOJI.

(APPLAUSE)

EMOJI ARE PICTURES THAT PEOPLE

USE WHEN THEY SEND TEXTS IN

ORDER TO AVOID USING ACTUAL

WORDS TO MAKE PEOPLE GUESS

WHATEVER THE (BLEEP) THEY'RE

TRYING TO SAY.

WORDS WORK FINE!

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A SERIES OF

THREE EMOJI AND, FOR 250 POINTS,

I WANT YOU TO TRANSLATE THEM

INTO A SENTENCE.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S THAT, JON

DORE?

>> THE POO GOD MADE ME

WATCH YOU SWIM.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: HE LOVES TO WATCH

SWIMMING, POINTS.

>> IT CAN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE.

>> Chris: TECHNICALLY IT COULD

BE "MY BABY'S EYES ARE (BLEEP),

AND SHOULD I TAKE HIM TO A

DOCTOR?"

>> THAT'S A REAL DISEASE.

NOT FUNNY.

THAT'S A REAL DISEASE.

>> Chris: DOES YOUR BABY SUFFER

FROM (BLEEP) EYES?

>> A SARAH McLAUGHLIN SONG

JUST PLAYS.

SHE'S HOLDING A BABY.

"MY BABY CRIES POO."

>> Chris: ♪ IN THE ARMS OF THE

ANGEL

(BLEEP) COMES OUT YOUR EYES ♪

>> THEY CAN'T WATCH ANYTHING SAD

OR ELSE THE HOUSE REEKS.

IT'S ONLY HAPPY VIEWING.

>> Chris: THIS NEXT ONE IS A

LITTLE SPOOKY.

RORY SCOVEL?

>> MOM AND DAD KILLED MY DOG

FOR MONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

A VERY YOUNG MOM AND DAD.

>> Chris: HERE IS THE NEXT ONE.

YES, RORY SCOVEL?

(LAUGHTER)

>> (BLEEP)

TOTALLY THOUGHT I WOULDN'T GET

CHOSEN EVEN THOUGH I ELECTED

MYSELF.

>> I TOTALLY DIDN'T THINK

I WOULD PRESS THIS BUTTON

OF MY OWN WILL.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT?

>> YOU TAKE IT.

>> I PASS TO BETH.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT BETH, YOU

HAVE CONTROL OF THE GAME BOARD.

IT'S BEEN PASSED TO YOU FROM

RORY TO TV'S JON TO BETH

STELLING.

THIS IS HIGHLY UNORTHODOX,

BUT I'LL ALLOW IT.

>> NO OFFICER, I WAS NOT

DRINKING, I WAS JUST SHOOTING

HEROIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE THAT TO YOU.

THE AUDIENCE IS ON BOARD.

(APPLAUSE)

GAME, OKCUPID OR SERIAL KILLER?

(APPLAUSE)

DATING SITES ARE A GOOD WAY TO

START A RELATIONSHIP, BUT EVERY

SO OFTEN YOU COME ACROSS A

PROFILE THAT JUST SCREAMS,

"THIS MIGHT AN SERIAL KILLER"

WHICH MAYBE ISN'T SO BAD IF YOU

HAVE A SERIAL KILLER FETISH.

I'M GOING TO READ YOU A QUOTE

AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO

TELL ME IF IT'S FROM AN OKCUPID

PROFILE OR IF A CONVICTED SERIAL

KILLER SAID IT.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE:

"I AM GOD. GOD ISN'T REAL."

RORY?

>> OKCUPID.

>> Chris: YOU ARE RIGHT.

THAT IS AN OKCUPID.

(APPLAUSE)

>> BUT MAY I SAY HE WILL BE

A SERIAL KILLER ONE DAY.

>> I DON'T KNOW, HE HAS

ZERO PERCENT ENEMY RATING.

>> LOOK HOW SAD HIS PHOTO IS.

>> NO, THAT'S HIM SMILING.

>> Chris: I THINK THAT'S

A LAUGH-CRY, THAT'S A SADLARIOUS

PICTURE.

NEXT ONE.

"MY MOTHER WALKED IN ON ME

MASTURBATING JUST ABOUT TO

ERUPT."

YES, RORY SCOVEL.

>> OKCUPID.

>> Chris: THAT IS OKCUPID.

>> THAT'S MINE.

I WISH THAT WAS MY PICTURE.

>> Chris: THAT'S A STOCK PHOTO.

THAT'S NOT A REAL GUY.

>> AND WHO USES "ERUPT"

INSTEAD OF...

>> Chris: EDDIE VAN HALEN.

>> I UNDERSTAND THERE'S GOING

TO BE A CLIMAX, BUT "ERUPT"

SUGGESTS THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE

TO GET A NEW HOUSE.

>> ERUPT WITH ANGER BECAUSE

THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

>> WAS HE GOING TO ERUPT

AT HIS... NEVER MIND, FORGET IT.

THAT'S GOING TO COME OUT WRONG.

OH!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, JON DORE,

POINTS.

>> "TO DECOMPRESS AND DECIDE

WHAT DIRECTION I WANT TO GO--

BUSINESS SCHOOL, MEDICAL SCHOOL,

LAW SCHOOL, MAYBE OPEN A HIGH

END RESTAURANT, I WOULD LOVE

TO TRAVEL... AHH, MOM!"

(LAUGHTER)

>> HONEY, ARE YOU IN HERE

APPLYING FOR BUSINESS MEDICAL

LAW SCHOOL?

>> Chris: "NO, MOM!"

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

IF YOU'RE TRAVELING AND DON'T

WANT TO STAY IN A HOTEL,

I RECOMMEND AIRBNB.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY RENT OUT

A ROOM AT SOMEONE'S PLACE

OR RENT OUT...

THIS ISN'T A COMMERCIAL FOR

AIRBNB, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE A

LOT OF TIMES WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU

GO TO RENT OUT A ROOM AND YOU

FIND OUT, "OH, THIS IS NORMALLY

THE DOG'S BATHROOM AND I'M

PAYING HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR

IT."

BUT THEY HAVE VERY SPECIFIC

TITLES OF THE TYPE OF PLACE

YOU'RE RENTING, LIKE THIS ONE:

"HEATED GYPSY WAGON WITH HEART."

I THINK THEY MEAN AN ACTUAL

HEART IN THAT INSTANCE.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COME UP

WITH LISTINGS FOR AIRBNB RENTALS

THAT YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO

STAY AT.

FOR EACH FUNNY LISTING, YOU GET

250 POINTS.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

BETH STELLING?

>> NUDIST COLONY, B-Y-O-BACON.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: WHY WOULD THEY NOT

HAVE BACON?

POINTS!

YES, RORY SCOVEL?

>> "MEGA-RELIGIOUS FAMILY

UPSTAIRS."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

BETH STELLING?

>> CABBAGE PATCH-- MUST HAVE

BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

>> Chris: YES, THAT'S HOW YOU

KNOW IT'S A REAL CABBAGE PATCH.

SIGNED BY XAVIER ROBERTS, IT'S

RIGHT ON THE BUTT.

WHY WOULD I KNOW THAT?

POINTS.

RORY SCOVEL?

>> RECENTLY FEATURED ON

"GHOST HUNTERS".

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JON DORE?

>> "CEILING-SCHMEILING,

$800 A MONTH."

>> Chris: SO YOU'RE GOING TO BE

THERE FOR THE WHOLE MONTH.

POINTS, WELL DONE.

RORY?

>> "SURROUND YOURSELF IN THE

ESSENCE OF MY FATHER'S LAST

BREATH."

(LAUGHTER)

>> THEY GET SAD.

>> Chris: I WOULD STAY THERE.

THAT SOUNDS NICE.

POINTS.

BETH STELLING?

>> MY UTERUS, FULLY FURNISHED,

NO CATS!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR YOUR UTERUS.

THAT'S THE STRANGEST THING

I'VE EVER SAID TO A WOMAN.

THAT IS THE END OF THAT ROUND.

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