@midnight
Season 1

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01006
  • 01/14/2014

Rory Scovel, Jon Dore and Beth Stelling create knock-off band names, translate emoji sentences and explore the world of Airbnb.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH."

[ APPLAUSE ]THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100POINTS.

AS WE START OUR COMPETITION.

LI'L ZA, A MEMBER OF JUSTINBIEBER'S ENTOURAGE, WAS ARRESTED

FOR DRUG POSSESSION AFTER THEBIEB'S HOUSE WAS RAIDED BY

POLICE FOLLOWING AN EGG ATTACKON HIS NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.

YES, THAT WAS A SENTENCE THAT IHAD TO SAY OUT LOUD.

THAT WAS A CORRECT PORTRAYAL OFEVENTS THAT TRANSPIRED.

TWITTER JUMPED ON THE NEWSCOVERAGE OF COURSE.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING COMMENTSON TWITTER HAD THE MOST

RETWEETS?

A. BUT JUSTIN TOLD THE COPSSORRY SO MANY TIMES CAN I JUST

HOLD HIM FOR HOURS BECAUSE HEMUST BE SO SCARED RN

RN MEANS RIGHT NOW.

OR IT COULD MEAN HE'S A SCAREDREGISTERED NURSE.

B. THE COPS LOCKED JUSTIN IN HISGARAGE.

WHAT IF THEY FORGOT ABOUT HIM --C. BIEBER CURRENTLY ACCEPTING

APPLICATIONS FOR A NEW LIL ZA.

WE'LL CALL THEM LAL ZA TWO.

>> I HAVE TO GO WITH A BUTJUSTIN TOLD THE COPS SORRY SO

MANY TIMES CAN I JUST HOLD HIMFOR HOURS BECAUSE HE IS SO

SCARED, REGISTERED NURSE?

>> NO.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS C.

SORRY, NO POINTS.

SOME OF YOU KNOWTHE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS ARE

NOW SET TO JOIN BRUNO MARS ATTHE SUPERBOWL'S HALFTIME SHOW.

TO FOLLOW UP THIS NEWS, WHATQUESTION DID THE BAND'S BASSIST

FLEA TWEET -- THEN PROMPTLYDELETE -- TO HIS FAITHFUL

FOLLOWERS?

A. WHO WANTS TO GIMME ACONCUSSION ON STAGE?? #NFLFTW

B. WHY ARE WE PLAYING THE SUPERBOWL? $$$$$$$ YA'LL

C. ANYBODY WANNA SEE MY COCK ATTHE SUPER BOWL?

>> BETH?

>> THE ANSWER WOULD BE A.

HE IS VERY TINY, AND IT WOULDN'TBE HARD.

>> IT SHOULDE A BUT THECORRECT ANSWER WAS C, ANYBODY

WANT TO SEE MY COCK AT THESUPER BOWL WHICH HE QUICKLY

DELETED AFTER THAT.

HEY, WHAT WAS GOING ON, I WANTEDTO SEE SOME FLEE [BLEEP] AND IT

NEVER HAPPENED.

>> Chris: BY THE WAY, A MAN ONREDDIT POSTED THESE TICKETS.

HE BOUGHT FOR A RED HOT CHILIPEPPERS CONCERT FOR $228.

COMEDIANS, WOULD YOU BE EXCITEDTO SEE THE RED HOT CHILI PIPERS?

THAT IS IS A BAG PIPE BAND THATIS DUPING PEOPLE.

>> WHO WANTS TO SEE MY [BLEEP]>> THEY ARE WEARING KILTS.

THEY ARE BAGPIPIST.

>> I WANT TO KNOW WHO BPO NATIONIS THAT IS PULLING THESE

CONCERTS TOGETHER.

I KNOW HOW WE CAN MAKE MONEY.

GET THE PIPERS HERE.

>> CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MOREROCKIN' THAN AN INSTRUMENT THATSOUNDS

LIKE AN ELEPHANT SOBBING.

[SOBBING ELEPHANT IMPRESSION]

>> ARE YOU MOTHER [BLEEP] READYTO ROCK?

[SOBBING ELEPHANT IMPRESSION]

AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

LET'S TEST OTHER MEMORY.

>> TODAY ON REDDIT, A USER SAIDHIS FRIEND ORDERED TWO TICKETS

TO SEE THE RED HOT CHILIPEPPERS.

BUT FOR HIS $228 HE RECEIVED TWOTICKETS TO SEE THE RED HOT

CHILLI PIPERS, "BAGPIPERS WHOROCK" AND ALSO RIP YOU OFF WITH

FALSE ADVERTISING.

COMEDIANS, WITH THAT IN MINDTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS:

#KNOCKOFFBANDSEXAMPLES: HUEY LEWIS AND THE FOX

NEWSTHE NEW BEATLES

BLINK-181I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK.

STARTING NOW!

>> BETH?

>> THE PENISY CHICKS.

>> INSTEAD OF THE DIXIE CHICKS?

I LOVE IT.

POINTS.

POINTS!

>> POSSIBLY GIANTS?

>> POINTS.

WELL DONE.

>> BETH?

>> BRITTANY WHOLE-PICKLE.

>> NOT JUST A SPEAR.

>> I LIKE THE IDEA OF BRITTANYWHOLE PICKLE.

POINTS.

JON?

>> OK.

BY THE OF EXPLANATION.

>> WE HAVE 15 SECONDS.

>> GROUP OF HOMELESS MENPERFORMING RUSH SONGS AND IT'S

CALLED BUM RETURN THE SHOW.

BUM RUSH THE SHOW.

>> CAREFUL.

GOOD?

[BUZZER]>> THAT WAS A FURTHER JOURNEY

THAT YOU GETTING HERE FROMCANADA.

POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SWEET EMOJI.

[ APPLAUSE ]EMOJIS ARE PICTURES THAT PEOPLE

USE WHEN THEY SEND TEXTS INORDER TO AVOID USING ACTUALñr

WORDS TO MAKE ME PEOPLE GUESSWHATEVER THE [BLEEP] THEY'RE

TRYING TO SAY.

WORDS WORK FINE.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A SERIES OFTHREE EMOJI AND, FOR 250 POINTS,

I WANT YOU TO TRANSLATE THEMINTO A SENTENCE.

>> WHAT IS THAT, JON?

>> THE POO GOOD MADE ME WATCHYOU SWIM.

IT CAN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE.

>> TECHNICALLY IT COULD BE MYBABY'S EYES ARE [BLEEP] AND

SHOULD I TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTORFOR A REAL DISEASE?

>> NOT FUNNY.

THAT'S REAL DISEASE.

>> DO YOU MAYBE SUFFER FROM[BLEEP] EYES?

SARAH McGLOTHLIN SONGS.

OK.

MY BABY CRIES POO.

>> ♪♪ IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL

♪ CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪ .

>> NO, THEY CAN'T WATCH ANYTHINGSAD OR ELSE THE HOUSE WREAKS.

HAPPY VIEWING.

>> THIS ONE IS A LITTLE SPOOKY.

>> MOM AND DAD KILLED MY DOG FORMONEY.

[LAUGHTER]>> A VERY YOUNG MOM AND DAD.

>> HERE IS THE NEXT ONE?

>> ROY?

>>[LAUGHTER]

[BLEEP]>> TOTALLY THOUGHT I WOULDN'T

GET CHILLS AND EVEN THOUGH IELECTED MYSELF, I TOTALLY DIDN'T

THINK I WOULD PRESS THIS BUTTONOF MYñr OWN WILL.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT?

>> YOU TAKE IT.

>> I PATCH THE BEST.

>> >> NO, OFFICER I WAS NOT

DRINKING; I WAS JUST SHOOTINGHEROIN.

>> I'LL GIVE THAT TO YOU.

THE AUDIENCE ON BOARD WITHYOU.

>> TIME FOR THE NEXT GAMEOK, "CUPID OR SERIAL KILLER?"

[ APPLAUSE ]DATING SITES ARE A GREAT WAY TO

START RELATIONSHIPS, BUT EVERYSO OFTEN YOU COME ACROSS A

PROFILE THAT JUST SCREAMSTHIS MIGHT AN SERIAL KILLER

WHICH IS NOTSO BAD IF YOU HAVE A SERIAL

KILLER FETISH.

I'M GOING TO READ YOU A QUOTEAND FOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO

TELL ME IF IT'S FROM AN OKCUPIDPROFILE OR IF A CONVICTED SERIAL

KILLER SAID IT.

Q: "I AM GOD. GOD ISN'T REAL."

A: OKCUPID>> YOU ARE RIGHT.

THAT IS AN OKCUPID.

>> MAY I SAY HE WILL BE A SERIALKILLER ONE DAY.

>> NO.

HE HAS ZERO PERCENT ENEMYñrRATING.

>> LOOK HOW SAD HIS PHOTO IS.

>> NO, THAT'S HIM SMILING.

>> I THINK THAT'S A LAUGH-CRY.

>> NEXT ONE?

MY MOTHER WALKED ON MEMASTURBATING JUST ABOUT TO

ERUPT.

>> A: OKCUPID

>> THAT IS OKCUPID.

>> THAT'S A STOCK PHOTO.

AND WHO USES "ERUPT" INSTEADOF --

>> EDDIE VAN HALEN.

>> I UNDERSTAND THERE'S GOING TOBE A CLIMAX BUT ERUPTS SUGGESTS

THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET ANEW HOUSE.

>> ERUPT WITH ANGER BECAUSE THISHAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

>> WAS HE GOING THROUGH AROUGH -- WELL THAT WILL COME OUT

WRONG.

>> POINTS.

>> TO DECOMPRESS AND DECIDE WHATDIRECTION I WANT TO GO, BUSINESS

SCHOOL, MEDICAL SCHOOL, LAWSCHOOL -- MAYBE OPEN A HIGH END

RESTAURANT, I WOULD LOVE TOTRAVEL -- OUCH, MOM!

LAUGH LAUGH, HONEY A YOU INHERE APPLYING MORE BUSINESS,

MEDICAL OR LAW SCHOOL?

[ Applause ]>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR "CRASH

AT MY PLACE!"IF YOU GUYS ARE TRAVELING AND

DON'T WANT TOO STAY IN A HOTEL,I RECOMMEND AIR BNB.

YOU CAN RENT OUT A ROOM FORSOMEBODY'S PLACE.

IT'S NOT A COMMERCIAL FOR AIRBNB.

A LOT OF TIME WHAT HAPPENS ISYOU RENT A PLACE AND FIND OUT

THIS IS NORMALLY THE DOG'S BATHROOM AND I'M PAYING HUNDREDS OF

DOLLARS FOR ITBUT THEY HAVE DIFFERENT TITLES

FOR THE PLACES YOU'RE RENTING.

LIKE THIS ONEHEATED GYPSY WAGON WITH

HEART.

I THINK THEY MEAN AN ACTUALHEART.

I WOULD LIKE YOU COULD COME UPWITH LISTINGS FOR RENTALS THAT

YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO STAY AT.

FOR EACH FUNNY LISTING, YOU GET250 POINTS.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW.

>> Beth?

>> Nudist colony, BYO bacon.

>> WHY WOULD THEY NOT HAVEBACON.

>> RORY?

>> MEGARELIGIOUS FAMILYUPSTAIRS.

>> POINTS!

>> BETH?

>> CABBAGE PATCH -- MUST HAVEBIRTH CERTIFICATE.

>> YES.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S A REALCABBAGE PATCH.

SIGNED BY XAVIER ROBERTS.

RIGHT ON THE BOX.

WHY WOULD I KNOW THAT?

>> POINTS.

>> RORY?

>> RECENTLY FEATURED ONGHOST-HUNTERS!

>> POINTS.

JON?

>> CEILING-SCHMEILING.

$800 A MONTH.

>> SO YOU'RE GOING TO BE THEREFOR THE WHOLE MONTH.

POINTS.

WELL DONE.

>> RORY?

>> SURROUND YOURSELF IN THEESSENCE OF MY FATHER'S LAST

BREATH.

>> FORGET THAT.

>> I WOULD STAY THERE.

THAT SOUNDS NICE.

POINTS.

BETH?

>> MY UTERUS, FULLY FURNISHED,NO CATS!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR YOUR

UTERUS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THAT'S THE STRANGEST THINGI'VE EVER SAID TO A WOMAN.

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