CC Presents: Joey Kola

  • 07/10/2003

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE,

I GOTTA TELL YA.

THIS IS MY FIRST

"COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS"

AND I'M DIGGIN' IT AND

I'M HAPPY, HAPPY TO BE HERE.

NOT ONLY BECAUSE I'M DOIN'

COMEDY, WHICH IS WHAT I LOVE.

BUT I'M A HUSBAND AND A FATHER,

NEW MILLENNIUM, I GOTTA BE

HAPPY.

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE MAD.

WE'RE NOT.

WE GOT SOME FATHERS AND HUSBANDS

AND STUFF OUT HERE?

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GET MAD.

SEE, I GREW UP IN THE '70s.

MY FATHER GOT MAD, HE THREW

A SHOVEL THROUGH THE FRIGGIN'

WALL.

WHATEVER WE DID TO MAKE THAT

HAPPEN NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN.

NOW I GET MAD, I'M ON PROZAC,

ZOLOFT.

I'M IN ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES.

I GOTTA GO TO THERAPY AND RELIVE

THE EVENT 14 TIMES SO AS NOT TO

THROUGH OFF THE DELICATE HARMONY

IN MY FAMILY.

EVEN IF IT'S A LEGITIMATE

FRIGGIN' REASON TO GET MAD.

LIKE NOW WE GOT A NEW CARPET

IN THE HOUSE, NOW MY WIFE'S

THE CARPET MAFIA.

YOU WALK IN THE HOUSE,

GOTTA TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,

GOTTA PUT ANOTHER OUTFIT ON LIKE

YOU GOT HOOF-AND-MOUTH DISEASE.

YET HER PRECIOUS DOG CAN GO IN

THE BACKYARD, CRAP, COME BACK

IN THE HOUSE, PUT HIS ASS

ON THE CARPET, BACK LEGS UP,

DRAG HIS ASS ACROSS THE CARPET

LEAVIN' A LINE OF POOP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND MY SNEAKERS ARE TOO DIRTY.

AM I MAD?

NO, I'M HAPPY!

'CAUSE THE RULES HAVE CHANGED,

LADIES, AND NO ONE TOLD US

THEY WERE GONNA CHANGE.

WE WATCHED OUR FATHERS.

YOU HAVE THE WIFE AND THE

HUSBAND.

YOU BUY A HOUSE, AND YOU LIVED

THERE.

YOU SUPPOSEDLY LIVED THE

AMERICAN DREAM.

WELL, THOSE RULES HAVE CHANGED.

MY FATHER NEVER HAD A MINIVAN.

HE HAD A '68 CHRYSLER,

VINYL SEATS.

HE MADE A TURN, MY BROTHER AND I

HAGGED THE WINDOW, HE DIDN'T

CARE.

HE WAS TRYIN' TO LOSE US.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW MY KIDS ARE STRAPPED IN

SO TIGHT, YOU KNOW WITH THE

SEATBELTS, REMEMBER THOSE BIG

METAL BUCKLES WE HAD?

IT WAS LIKE ROMAN GLADIATORS IN

THE BACKSEAT OF MY FATHER'S CAR.

MY FATHER WAS SMOKIN', DRINKIN',

THERE WAS DOGS IN THE BACKSEAT,

HE DIDN'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER]

MY KIDS ARE STRAPPED IN

SO TIGHT.

"DADDY, ARE WE THERE YET?"

"NO."

"CAN YOU SCRATCH MY NOSE THEN

'CAUSE I CAN'T MOVE BACK HERE,

DAMNIT."

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T TAKE IT.

MY WIFE CAN TAKE IT.

SHE TOOK MY SON TO COSTCO.

BOUGHT 14 POUNDS OF OREOS.

SAVED US MONEY SOMEHOW, I DON'T

KNOW HOW.

[LAUGHTER]

THE COUPON QUEEN WORKED THAT

OUT.

BUT AS FAR AS OREO'S CONCERNED,

OH, BOY, DID SHE GET OVER ON

THEM.

SHE BUYS 14 POUNDS OF OREOS,

BRINGS 'EM HOME, PUTS 'EM

IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

NEXT DAY, MY SON WAKES UP,

HE WANTS A COOKIE FOR BREAKFAST.

HE'S NOT GONNA GO TO HER,

HE KNOWS SHE'S GONNA SAY NO,

SO HE COMES TO ME.

NOW, HE'S SEVEN YEARS OLD.

HE'S NOT GONNA APPROACH ME AND

GO, "DAD, I THOUGHT IT OVER

LAST NIGHT AND I'D REALLY LIKE

A COOKIE FOR BREAKFAST.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?"

SEVEN.

HE GETS IN MY FACE, GOES

"I WANNA A COOKIE!"

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WENT NUTS ON ME.

"YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM A COOKIE

FOR BREAKFAST, YOU MORON."

I CAN'T GIVE HIM ONE COOKIE,

YET AN HOUR LATER, SHE GAVE HIM

WAFFLES, BUTTER, SYRUP,

WHIPPED CREAM, SOME STRAWBERRY

STUFF FROM A CAN.

YET THE ONE COOKIE THAT I GAVE

HIM IS GONNA RUIN THE METABOLISM

SHE CREATED IN THIS KID'S LIFE

THE SEVEN YEARS HE'S ON THE

PLANET.

AND MY BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A

FRIGGIN' ASS(BLEEP)!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GOT NUTHIN' TO DO WITH

MY ACT, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW'S AN

ASS(BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER]

TO LOSE WEIGHT.

"WATCH YOUR CARBS.

WATCH YOUR CARBS!

DON'T EAT THE CARBS.

ALL THE PROTEIN.

HAVE YOUR VEGETABLES.

AND DON'T-- DON'T WA-- DE--

WHY YOU DOIN' THAT?

DO THAT!

WELL, WHY DO YOU--

WHY DO YOU DO IT?"

EVERYBODY'S GOT ADVICE.

HEY, KISS MY ASS!

LIKE I'M NOT IN THE SAME PLANET

YOU ARE?

I HEAR THE SAME CRAP YOU PEOPLE

HEAR.

I DON'T WANNA LOSE WEIGHT.

MY TONGUE AND MY TASTE BUDS

ARE THE ONLY FRIENDS I GOT.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

AND I'M GONNA EAT ALL THE

CHOCOLATE I WANT BECAUSE YOU'RE

ONLY GIVEN A LITTLE BIT OF TIME

ON THIS PLANET.

NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG IT'S

GONNA BE, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL

ENJOY YOURSELF.

I'M NOT SAYIN' PUT A BULLET

IN YOUR HEAD.

BUT I'M SAYIN' ENJOY WHATEVER

LITTLE TIME YOU'RE GIVEN ON

THIS PLANET.

"LOSE WEIGHT.

LOSE WEIGHT."

I TRIED TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I WAS ON SLIM FAST.

YOU EVER HAD THAT STUFF?

GAS IN A CAN.

IF YOU HAD IT, YOU KNOW.

PUT YOUR BUTT IN THE WATER,

IT'D BE SWIM FAST.

[GAS NOISE]

Joey Kola: YOU KNOW WHAT PISSES

ME OFF MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

THE SPACE PROGRAM.

I HATE EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO

WITH SPACE.

I'M LIKE THE ONLY PERSON.

EVERYBODY'S ENAMORED WITH SPACE.

"OH, SPACE!

SPACE!"

YOU GUYS REALIZE, A COUPLE YEARS

AGO, WE LOST A $40 MILLION

SATELLITE.

ANYBODY SEE IT?

ANYBODY SEE THE SATELLITE?

ANYBODY SEE IT?

YOU SEE IT?

DID YOU SEE?

NOBODY SAW IT.

$40 MILLION GONE, NOBODY SAW IT.

YET NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING!

YET THE PRICE OF GAS GOES UP,

STAMP GOES UP, WE'RE ALL GOIN'

CRAZY.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WENT UP,

BA-BA-BA-BA-BA."

WE-- BUT CNN POPS A PICTURE OF

MARS ON ONE DAY, AND ALL OF

A SUDDEN WE'RE LIKE, "OH, HONEY,

LOOK, MARS.

OOH.

LET'S GIVE MORE MONEY TO THE

SPACE PROGRAM."

THEY JUST LOST $40 MILLION!

[APPLAUSE]

I'M MISSIN' 10 BUCKS OUT OF

MY CHECKING ACCOUNT, MY WIFE'S

ON THE PHONE WITH AMERICA'S

MOST WANTED, YET WE DON'T SAY

ANYTHING.

"HONEY, IT'S SPACE.

GIVE ME THE WALLET.

HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?"

"SPACE.

HONEY, THEY NEED MONEY FOR

SPACE.

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW, THEY'RE DOIN'

SOMETHING, MARS, THEY FOUND

WATER."

WHO CARES ABOUT THE-- WHO CARES?

THERE'S PEOPLE IN HOSPITAL BEDS

WITH THEIR ASSES HANGIN' OUT WHO

NEED THAT MONEY!

[LAUGHTER]

YET WE'VE-- WASTE MONEY ON CRAP

THAT WE KNOW THERE'S NUTHIN'

OUT THERE?

THERE'S NUTHIN' THERE,

YA FRIGGIN' MORONS!

THERE'S NUTHIN' THERE!

AND WE BETTER--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN BACK TO THE

MOON.

TECHNOLOGY'S BETTER, MORE MONEY

NOW.

WHY HASN'T A BIG CORPORATION

JUMPED ON THAT?

GONE UP TO THE MOON AND USED

THE MOON FOR ADVERTISING SPACE?

EVERYBODY SEES THE MOON.

YOU COULD BE IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS, FAR AWAY

FROM ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING,

"LOOK, HONEY, THE MOON!

THE MOON IS THERE!"

DON'T YOU THINK NIKE WOULD HAVE

SHOT A ROCKET UP THERE, PUT A

BIG SWOOSH MARK, "JUST DO IT!"

"LOOK, HONEY, IT'S A NIKE MOON."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO ONE'S GONNA LISTEN

TO A LITTLE CRAPPY COMEDIAN.

I GOT ALL THE ANSWERS

TO EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA.

I'M MARRIED TO A LONG ISLAND

GIRL.

LONG ISLAND GIRLS...

[SCREAMS]

COUPLE RIGHT THERE.

THEY PUT ON MAKEUP IN TRAFFIC

WHILE THEY'RE DRIVIN'.

YOU EVER SEE THEM DRIVE?

[LAUGHTER]

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY,

YOU JERK, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE

GOIN' SO SLOW IN THE LEFT LANE,

I'M TRYIN' TO PASS YOU ON THE

RIGHT, THERE'S PEOPLE PASSIN'

ME ON THE RIGHT.

WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE,

OUT OF A BUBBLEGUM MACHINE?

[SOUND OF HAIRSRPAY]

I GET OVER TO TARGET.

[SPRAYING CONTINUES)

THEY RUN YOU OVER IN A MINUTE.

YOU KNOW, JUST DOWN SOUTH, WOMEN

AREN'T LIKE THAT IN THE SOUTH.

THEY'VE GOT THAT WHOLE NICE

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY THING

GOIN'.

WHEN YOU DRIVE DOWN THERE IT'S

LIKE

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] "GO AHEAD,

GO AHEAD.

YOU ON THIS SIDE, GO AHEAD.

EVERYBODY GO AHEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU BEHIND ME, COME AROUND,

GO AHEAD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL JUST

GO HOME, WAIT TILL YOU'RE ALL

DONE DRIVIN', HOW'S THAT?"

[LAUGHTER]

JUST NICE DOWN THERE.

EVEN IN FLORIDA.

YOU GO TO FLORIDA?

FLORIDA?

HATE FLORIDA, LOOKS LIKE A

BIG LIMP PENIS HANGIN' OFF

THE FRONT OF THE COUNTRY,

DOESN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN THE PALM TREE IS SUCH

A WIMPY TREE.

IT'S GOT NO BRANCHES.

ALWAYS GETTIN' ITS ASS KICKED IN

A HURRICANE.

YOU EVER SEE FOOTAGE OF A

HURRICANE?

IT'S ALWAYS THE PALM TREE.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS WIND IS HORRIBLE.

MY COCONUTS ARE FALLING OFF.

SOMEONE, PLEASE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE REAL TREES UP HERE.

YOU DRIVE ON OUR EXPRESSWAYS

AND OUR PARKWAYS, EVERY ONCE

IN A WHILE THROUGH THE CEMENT

DIVIDER, THERE'S A TREE GROWIN'

UP THROUGH THAT THING.

THAT'S A REAL TREE RIGHT THERE.

YOU GIVE ME A TREE TO LIVE OFF

GLASS, CIGARETTE BUTTS AND

PEBBLES, THAT'S A REAL TREE.

NOT THIS "I NEED SUNSHINE CRAP,"

NO WAY.

OUR TREES COME UP, THE BRANCHES

ARE IN THE SHAPE OF MIDDLE

FINGERS.

SPITTIN' SAP ON PEOPLE.

[SPITTING NOISES]

DOESN'T EVEN LET BIRDS LAND ON

IT.

"GET THE HELL OFF MY BRANCHES,

I'M TRYIN' TO GROW HERE."

'CAUSE A LOT OF THIS COUNTRY

IS SCARY, MAN.

YOU EVER GO TO KENTUCKY?

EVOLUTION HAS PASSED OVER

KENTUCKY.

TEETH ARE OPTIONAL IN KENTUCKY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T NEED TEETH.

AND THEIR PIZZA SUCKS.

I WENT TO A PIZZERIA.

"COULD I HAVE A SLICE?"

GUY HANDED ME A CAN OF SODA.

I SAID, "NO, SLICE THE SODA,

YOU IDIOT.

SLICE OF THE PIZZA."

YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID TO ME?

"WE DON'T SELL SLICES.

WE JUST SELL THE WHOLE PIE."

HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO CUT

THE FRIGGIN' THING YET?

GO IN THE BACKYARD, SHARPEN A

STICK AND SLICE THE DAMN THING!

IT'S A WHEEL!

THE SLICER IS A WHEEL!

FIRST CAME FIRE...

AND THEN THE WHEEL!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TELL ME WHICH PART IS CONFUSIN'

YA THERE, JETHRO!

Joey Kola: THIS IS A COOL PLACE.

ISN'T THIS A COOL THEATER?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WANT YOU GUYS TO LEARN SOMETHIN'

FROM MY ACT TONIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO.

I MEAN, I WANT YA TO LAUGH,

YOU KNOW, BUT I WANT YOU TO

LEARN SOMETHIN' FROM ME TONIGHT,

THIS SWEATY LITTLE GUY IN FRONT

OF YA.

I THINK I COULD TEACH YA

SOMETHIN', WE COULD LEARN FROM

EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

I WANT YOU TO LEARN.

SO ONE THING I WANT YOU TO LEARN

IS HOW TO MERGE.

HOW TO MERGE YOUR CARS.

NOW I KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW 90 PERCENT OF YOU PEOPLE

ARE GOOD DRIVERS.

EVERY AUDIENCE I PLAY, 90 OF THE

PEOPLE ARE GOOD DRIVERS.

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THAT

10 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE,

AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GIVE ME THIS CRAP.

"I CAN'T GET OVER.

THEY'RE NOT LETTING ME IN!

I'M GONNA BE STUCK HERE FOR

THE REST OF MY LIFE!"

NO, YOU'RE NOT, 'CAUSE IT'S

GONNA BE ME BEHIND YOUR ASS ONE

DAY GOIN'...

[CRASHING NOISE]

"GO!

GO!

JUST FRIGGIN' GO!

WOULD YOU GO, DAMNIT, GO!"

[WHISTLES, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I'M A MESS.

I'M A HUSBAND.

I'M A FATHER.

I'M A PACK MULE IS ALL I AM.

THAT'S WHY YOU LADIES MARRY US,

JUST SO WE COULD CARRY YOUR

STUFF FOR YA.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU GET THE GROCERIES IN?

CAN YOU GET THE GROCERIES IN,

LIFT THE COUCH, TAKE THE GARBAGE

OUT?

"I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING."

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT MY BODY.

I USED TO BE A GYMNAST, OKAY?

NOW LOOK AT THIS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY GENITALS

ARE IN THESE PANTS.

I GOT NO BUTT AND A PAIR OF

BREASTS NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A MESS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T EXERCISE AT ALL.

I DON'T WANT--

WHY EXERCISE?

WHY-- WHY--

[LAUGHTER]

OTHER FAT FLABBY PEOPLE

UP IN THE AUDIENCE, I SEE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAN'T DRINK THIS, I CAN'T EAT

THAT, I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHAT DO YOU DO, EAT THE RIGHT

FOODS, EXERCISE, LIVE TILL

YOU'RE 97 SO YOUR RELATIVES

CAN EMPTY YOUR URINE BOTTLE

EVERY FIVE MINUTES?

"OH, THANKS FOR LIVIN' SO LONG,

GRANDPA.

ALL I WANNA DO IS TEND TO YOUR

BODILY FLUIDS."

NOT ME!

I'M GONNA DIE OF A NICE HEART

ATTACK WHEN I'M 65, AND I'M

OUTTA HERE, THAT'S IT!

MY TOMBSTONE'S GONNA BE SHAPED

LIKE A CANNOLI.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANNA BE CRUEL

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, I DON'T

WANNA SOUND MEAN OR CRUEL.

BUT NOBODY'S LIVIN' THEIR LIVES,

ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?

YOU GOTTA ENJOY YOUR LIVES.

JUST ENJOY IT, AND ENJOY

THE RELATIONSHIPS YOU HAVE

WITH PEOPLE WHILE THEY'RE HERE.

WHICH IS WHY I COME TO THIS NEXT

PART, WHICH I'M HESITANT TO TALK

ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER]

MEN AND WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

MEN AND WOMEN'LL NEVER

UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

IT'S WHAT EVERY SONG IS WRITTEN

ABOUT, IT'S WHAT EVERY BOOK IS

WRITTEN ABOUT.

WE'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND EACH

OTHER.

IT'S ALWAYS CONFLICT.

WE'RE NOT SATISFIED WHAT WE GOT.

WE ALWAYS WANT MORE.

AND WE'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND

WHAT EACH OF US REALLY WANTS.

I'M GONNA DISPEL ALL THE RUMORS

HERE TONIGHT.

LADIES, I'M SORRY I'M BEIN'

SO BLUNT, AND GUYS, I'M SORRY

I'M GIVIN' UP OUR SECRET.

BUT ALL MEN WANT IN LIFE ARE

FOUR THINGS.

WE WANNA EAT, SLEEP, POOP AND

HAVE SEX.

THAT'S IT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IF IT DOESN'T FIT INTO ONE OF

THOSE FOUR CATEGORIES, LADIES,

WE REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT IT

AT ALL.

AND LADIES, IF YOU'RE HERE WITH

A GUY WHO'S TELLING YOU ANYTHING

DIFFERENT, HE IS LYING TO YOU TO

GET TO ONE OF THOSE FOUR THINGS.

[APPLAUSE]

AND AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT, IT'S

NOT EATIN', SLEEPIN' OR POOPIN'.

HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

DO ME A FAVOR.

FOR ME, JUST HAVE SEX WITH THE

GUY, PLEASE?

I'M BEGGIN' YA!

IF YOU DO IT RIGHT, IT TAKES

THREE MINUTES.

PLEASE, JUST DO IT.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST DO IT!

[APPLAUSE]

WE TRY TO SEEM LIKE WE'RE

INTERESTED, BUT WE'RE NOT.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SAME

THINGS YOU CARE ABOUT.

WE DON'T CARE IF THE WALLPAPER

MATCHES THE DRAPES.

WE DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF

POTPOURRI YOU JUST PUT IN THE

BATHROOM!

WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR NEW

SLIPPERS LOOK LIKE, UNLESS

YOU'RE WEARING THEM WHILE YOU'RE

HAVING SEX WITH ME!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEN WE REALLY CARE.

IT'S NOT JUST HUMANS.

DON'T BLAME ME 'CAUSE

I'M A HUMAN.

IT'S EVERY MALE SPECIES

ON THE PLANET.

YOU WANNA LEARN ABOUT LIFE,

YOU WATCH THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL,

RIGHT?

THE MALE BULL ELEPHANT IS A

SOLITARY CREATURE, ONLY JOINING

THE HERD FOR MATING AND

COURTSHIP.

THAT'S A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE

DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

SO OTHER THAN THAT, HE'S OVER

HERE EATIN', SLEEPIN' AND

POOPIN'.

AND THE REST OF THE HERD IS FINE

WITH THAT, YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEY'RE NOT MAKIN' HIM GO INTO

THE HOME DEPOT ON A SATURDAY

TO GET A HINGE FOR A CABINET

THAT'S BEEN BROKEN FOR A YEAR

AND A HALF 'CAUSE YOUR

BROTHER-IN-LAW'S AN ASS(BLEEP)!

Joey Kola: THE MALE SILVER BACK

GORILLA EATS 60 POUNDS OF

VEGETATION A DAY.

THAT'S ALL FIBER.

COULD YOU IMAGINE THE WONDERFUL,

BEAUTIFUL POOP THAT THIS THING

MUST TAKE?

THAT'S WHY THEY BEAT THEIR

CHEST!

I'D BE BEATIN' MY CHEST TOO

IF I HAD 60 POUNDS OF CRAP

COMIN' OUT OF ME!

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, LOOK WHAT

I MADE!"

[APPLAUSE]

THERE'S ANOTHER SACRED PLACE

TO MEN THAT WOMEN'LL NEVER

UNDERSTAND, THE BATHROOM.

'CAUSE YOU LADIES, YOU'RE IN,

YOU'RE OUT, ONE PIECE OF TOILET

PAPER, YOU'RE GONE, THAT'S IT.

NO NEED TO EVEN SPRAY WHEN

YOU'RE DONE.

WHEN I'M DONE, YOU GOTTA SEND

A CANARY IN THERE TO SEE IF

THE AIR IS BREATHABLE OR NOT

'CAUSE WE MARK OUR TERRITORY.

MEN LIKE TO SIT IN THERE

A LONG TIME, RIGHT GUYS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU SIT THERE--

YOU'RE SITTIN' THERE SO LONG

YOUR LEGS ARE NUMB, YOUR ASS IS

SWEATIN', YOU'RE FOCUSED ON THAT

ONE TILE ABOVE THE TUB

AND YOU'RE AT ONE WITH GOD.

IT'S LIKE, "ALLELUIA, ALLELUIA,

ALLELUIA."

[LAUGHTER]

I LOST THAT EXPERIENCE WHEN

I HAD KIDS.

THE KIDS DON'T CARE WHEN YOU'RE

GOIN' TO THE BATHROOM.

THEY JUST WANNA COME IN AND OUT.

THEY JUST WANNA RUN IN AND OUT

WHENEVER YOU'RE IN THERE.

I'M SITTIN' IN THERE ONE TIME.

I'M ON THE BOWL.

AND MY DAUGHTER COMES RUNNIN'

IN, KID JUST RUNNIN' OUT,

THEY DON'T EVEN CARE IF I'M

THERE OR NOT.

AND MY DAUGHTER COMES IN,

WANTS ME TO SING

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU KNOW YOU'VE HIT ROCK

BOTTOM IN LIFE WHEN YOU'RE ON

THE TOILET BOWL GOIN',

♪ MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB ♪

♪ LITTLE LAMB ♪

♪ LITTLE LAMB ♪

♪ MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB ♪

♪ WHOSE FLEECE ♪

♪ WAS WHITE AS SNOW ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SEE?

I'M WATCHIN' YOU GUYS NOW,

IT'S MOSTLY THE MEN APPLAUDING

'CAUSE WOMEN RIGHT AWAY,

YOU DO A FART JOKE AND THEY'RE

LIKE, "IT'S DISGUSTING."

IT IS NOT!

IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING ON THE

PLANET, LADIES!

IT'S HYSTERICAL!

EVERY MAN IN HERE, THEY'RE

LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF!

I'M TELLIN' YA!

YOU COULD BE THE PRESIDENT

OF IBM, [GAS NOISE]

HA, HA, HA, HA.

YOU ARE LAUGHIN' 'CAUSE FARTING

IS FUNNY!

THAT'S IT!

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!

AND I'M TELLIN' YA, FARTING

IS THE FUNNIEST THING ON THE

PLANET.

EVERY MAN IN HERE, YOU WON'T

EVEN KNOW WE'RE DOIN'--

[GAS NOISE]

"HOW YA DOIN'?"

AND WE'LL LAUGH RIGHT AWAY.

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN WE DO

IT 'CAUSE IT'S HYSTERICAL AND

IT'S COMEDY FROM GOD.

IT IS!

IT'S A GIFT FROM GOD

AND IT'S COMEDY FROM GOD.

LET ME TELL YOU WHY IT'S COMEDY

FROM GOD.

HE COULDA CHOSE TO TAKE THAT

AIR, PASS IT THROUGH ANY PART OF

OUR BODY, OUR EYE, OUR EAR,

OUR NAVEL'S DO NUTHIN'.

WHEN IT CAME OUT, NOBODY WOULD

HAVE KNOWN, NO. BUT NO, HE

CHOSE TAKE THIS MUCH AIR ADD

THIS MUCH MOISTURE AND PASS IT

THROUGH THE TWO BIGGEST FLAPS

OF HAM WE GOT ON OUR BODY AND

[GAS NOISE] IS THE RESULT.

AND IF YOU DON'T LAUGH,

YOU ARE DISRESPECTING THE LORD!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

WE NEED LAUGHTER NOW.

DON'T WE NEED SOME LAUGHTER NOW?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

[CHEERING]

NOT MANY COMICS SAY THIS,

BUT WE ALL GET OUT STARTS IN THE

COMEDY CLUBS.

AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH

TO HAVE A COMEDY CLUB IN YOUR

TOWN WHERE YOU LIVE, GO TO IT.

GO TO YOUR COMEDY CLUB.

SUPPORT IT.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE COMICS

START OUT, AND NOBODY MENTIONS

IT ENOUGH BUT THAT'S WHERE

WE ALL START OUT.

AND IT'S A FUN PLACE TO GO.

AND IF YOU WANNA LAUGH, GO

THERE.

BUT NO SCARY LAUGHIN', THOUGH.

MAKE SURE YOU LAUGH NORMALLY.

MY GRANDFATHER, VERY SCAR--

BIG ITALIAN GRANDFATHER.

VERY SCARY LAUGHER.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS GONNA

BLACK OUT, CAVE IN, OR THROW UP

ON YOU WHEN HE LAUGHS.

YOU EVER SEE THE OLD GUYS LAUGH?

"I TOLD YOUR MAMMA--

[WHEEZING]."

[LAUGHTER]

[WHEEZING CONTINUES]

AND YOU STAND IN FRONT OF THIS

GUY GOIN', "OH, MY GOD,

HE'S GONNA DIE RIGHT HERE!"

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS SOME

AUNT GOIN', "LEAVE HIM ALONE,

CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S HAVIN'

A GOOD TIME?

HE'S HAVIN' A GOOD TIME!"

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