Wednesday, August 5, 2015

  • 08/05/2015

Ginger Gonzaga, Jim Jefferies and Rhys Darby expose #SupervillainCelebs, navigate the wild world of Yahoo Answers and tear into masochistic @midnight fans.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH".

IT WAS REPORTED IN THE "THEDAILY MAIL"

THAT FAMEDCHILD-EXPLOITATION-SPECIALIST

AND BEEF-JERKY-IN-A-JAZZ-SUITJOE JACKSON HAD THREE HEART

ATTACKS AND A STROKE ON THEEVE OF HIS 87th BIRTHDAY

PARTY AFTER OVERDOSING ONVIAGRA, WHICH IS BASICALLY

CRUSHED-UP JAGUAR BONES MIXEDWITH GLITTER AND GUNPOWDER.

JACKSON, AS YOU MIGHT REMEMBER,IS THE FORMER OWNER OF A SWEAT

SHOP CALLED THE JACKSON 5.

( LAUGHTER )REPORTS SAY JACKSON'S RECOVERING

SO COMEDIANS, KNOWING THATTHE 87-YEAR-OLD VIAGRA POPPER IS

TRYING TO RESURRECT THATWITHERED TUGBOAT ROPE HE CALLS A

DICK--HE'S NOT A GREAT GUY.

KNOWING ALL WE KNOW ABOUT JOEJACKSON AND ALL THE SEXUAL PILLS

HE'S BEEN TAKING WHAT DO YOUTHINK YOU'D

HAVE TO DO TO GET THIS GOBLINOFF?

>> EXCUSE ME, WHAT DO YOU MEANBY "GET THIS GOBLIN OFF"?

ARE YOU INSINUATING-- IS THISA RUDE THING, IS IT?--THAT HIS

PENIS IS A GOBLIN?

( LAUGHTER )IF THAT'S THE CASE, I'LL WANK

IT.

>> CHRIS: I THINK WHAT YOU MEANTTO SAY IS YOU WOULD JUST.

♪ BEAT IT ♪

THE "PRINCETON REVIEW" RELEASEDTHEIR 2016 COLLEGE RANKINGS THIS

WEEK, AND THE UNIVERSITY OFILLINOIS WAS NAMED THE TOP PARTY

SCHOOL.

THAT WAS ABOUT HALF--APPROPRIATELY, THEIR NEW MASCOT

IS THE "FIGHTIN' 19-YEAR-OLDWITH PUKE IN HER HAIR WHO THINKS

SHE LOST HER CELLPHONE."

( APPLAUSE )YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, JENNIFER!

THE CATEGORIES RANGE FROM "BESTDINING HALL" TO "MOST BEAUTIFUL

CAMPUS," BUT NO LIST FOR THESTRAIGHT-UP WORST COLLEGES.

SO COMEDIANS, SINCE THE"PRINCETON REVIEW" IS TOO

CHICKEN TO CALL THEM OUT, WHATARE THE ABSOLUTE CRAPPIEST

COLLEGES YOU CAN ATTEND THISFALL?

GINGER, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> THE MAMA JUNE SCHOOL OF GOODPARENTING.

SHE'S SO GOOD.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

WHETHER THEY'RE CRASHING THESTAGE TO RUIN TAYLOR SWIFT'S

ACCEPTANCE SPEECH OR JUST NAMINGTHEIR NEWBORN CHILD "BLANKET,"

CELEBRITIES CAN BE PURE EVILWHEN THEY WANT TO BE.

SO WE THOUGHT WE'D PAY HOMAGE TOALL THOSE RICH AND FAMOUS

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS WE WORSHIPON TV AND MAGAZINES.

OUR HASHTAG TONIGHT IS#SUPERVILLAINCELEBS

#SUPERVILLAINCELEBS. MWAHHH.EXAMPLES INCLUDE: SKELETORI

AMOS, DR. OCTOPHIL, J-LOKI.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE OLDCLOCK AND BEGIN. GINGER.

>> LEX LUTHOR VANDROSS.

>> BETTE RIDDLER.

>> DARTH BROOKS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: I'VE GOT FRIENDS INLOW PLACES.

RHYS, AGAIN. OH, I'M SORRY,GINGER.

SCORP-YONCE.

>> GENERAL ZOD STEWART.

>> JAVIER BAR-DOOM.

>> SEAN PENGUIN.

>> STEVE ODD JOBS.

>> BLOW SEINFELD.

IT'S MORE OF AN IDEA.

>> CHRIS: GINGER.

>> THAT WAS GOOD.FRANKEN-STALLONE.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR-- I HAVE TODO IT THE RIGHT WAY.

♪ "YAHOO WILL SAVE YOUR SOUL."

"YAHOO ANSWERS" IS THE BEST,BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT QUESTION

YOU ASK, THERE'S SOMEONE OUTTHERE WHO IS SUPER EXCITED TO

GIVE YOU REALLY BAD ADVICE.

IF YOU ASK, "HOW DO I REMOVE AMUSTARD STAIN FROM A SHIRT?" THE

TOP ANSWER IS LIKE "SET IT ONFIRE!!"

AND THAT'S IF YOU'RE LUCKY.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO GIVEYOU TWO QUESTIONS TO YOU, AND

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU GUESS WHICHONE SOMEBODY ACTUALLY ASKED ON

YAHOO ANSWERS.

THEN, AS A BONUS, I'LL SHOW YOUWHAT SAGE ADVICE ITS USERS

OFFERED UP.

FIRST ONE:

RHYS.

>> IT'S "IS SASQUATCH JEWISH?">> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

NO, "SHOULDCHRISTIANS DRINK BLOOD?"

THE ANSWER WAS "WE ARE TOABSTAIN FROM BLOOD IN ALL

FORMS. ACTS 15:29."

OUR DIGIAL POD SAW THIS ANDTHEY CAME UP WITH THEIR

OWN ANSWER FOR THATOTHER QUESTION.

♪ ♪>> MAZEL!

>> VERY FUNNY.

>> CHRIS: IT'S FUNNY.

NEXT ONE.

RHYS.>> THE FIRST ONE.

DEFINITELY GROWING FROM THE HEADBANGING.

"CAN HEADBANGING MAKE YOUR HEADBIGGER?"

"NO, WE HAVE VEINS ALL OVER OURBODIES, INCLUDING OUR HEADS.

YOUR SKULL HAS FINISHED GROWING.

YOU'RE DONE."

>> YOU HEARD OF SHRUNKEN HEADS?

THERE'S A TRIBE IN TAHITI THATIS THE OPPOSITE AND ENLARGE

THEIR HEADS AND RIP THEM OFF ANDUSE THEM AS HOT AIR BALLOONS AND

TRAVEL TO OTHER ISLANDS.

>> CHRIS: I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.

THAT'S A WONDERFUL FACT.

>> THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL SCRIPTFOR "UP."

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"SERIAL KILLER OR OKCUPID

PROFILE?"CANADIAN SERIAL KILLER

LUKA MAGNOTTA--"I'M GOING TO BEKILLING YOU NOW"--

RECENTLY SET UP A DATING PROFILEON A SITE TO CONNECT CANADIAN

CONVICTS WITH SAD WOMEN WHOPROBABLY FANTASIZE ABOUT GETTING

(BLEEP) BY THE NEW HAMBURGLAR.>> IS THAT THE NEW HAMBURGLAR?

>> CHRIS: THAT'S THE NEWHAMBURGLAR.

>> NO, IT'S NOT.

>> CHRIS: YES IT IS.

HE'S GOING TO STEAL YOUR BURGERAND ( BLEEP ) IT.

WOMEN OFTEN JOKE ABOUT MEETINGGUYS ONLINE BY SAYING, "HOW DO I

KNOW IF HE'S A SERIAL KILLER?"THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION, AND WE

HERE AT "@MIDNIGHT" WANT TOHELP.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE NICKNAMEOF A REAL DANGEROUS

MULTI-MURDERER AND THE PROFILEOF SOMEONE WHO IS HOPEFULLY

HARMLESS ON OKCUPID, AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU HAVE TO TELL MEWHICH ONE IS JUST A GUY ON A

DATING SITE AND NOT APSYCHOPATHIC MONSTER.

CASE IN POINT: WHICH ONE IS AHARMLESS OKCUPID USER?

>> DEFINITELY LOVING GRAMA.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

LOVING GRAMA, LET'S PULL UPHER PHOTO AND SEE--

JESUS CHRIST!

>> I DIDN'T KNOW MY MOM WAS ONTHE INTERNET.

>> CHRIS: I'M SURPRISED SHE'SNOT BUSY BREAKING JAMES CAAN'S

ANKLES IN A CABIN.

>> WHO'S THE PERSON LYING ONTHE BED THAT WENT, "I GOTTA GET

A PHOTO OF THIS."

>> HARMLESS OKCUPID USER:LADY KILLER OR GIRL KILLER?

JIM.

>> GIRL KILLER.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

GIRL KILLER?

GIRL KILLER?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ALSO HIS PROFILE SAYS, "MESSAGEME IF YOU LIKE

NAZIS AND THE OCCULT ANDSPIRITUAL AWAKENING, OR IF YOU

LIKE COFFEE, PIZZA, AND CHILLINGOUT."

>> THAT'S OKAY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY BADABOUT THAT?

WHO HAS COFFEE WITH PIZZA?

>> CHRIS: WHAT A MONSTER!

WHAT A MONSTER.

>> I WOULD MESSAGE THAT GUY BUTI DON'T LIKE COFFEE, PIZZA, AND

CHILLING OUT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT'S TIME FOR "ROAST ME

@MIDNIGHT."

( APPLAUSE )THERE'S A FASCINATING SUBREDDIT

CALLED R/ROASTME WHERE PEOPLEPOST PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES IN THE

HOPES OF GETTING ROASTED BECAUSEHOW ELSE ARE YOU GONNA GET

STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET TO SAY(BLEEP) THINGS ABOUT YOU?

THERE'S JUST NO OTHER WAY.

UNLESS YOU HOST AN AFTERSHOWABOUT A ZOMBIE SHOW.

THEN THEY WILL.

WE THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE FUN,SO WE ASKED "@MIDNIGHT" FANS TO

SEND US YOUR DUMB, SMUG, ORMEDICALLY DEFORMED FACES SO WE

CAN GIVE YOU A GOOD OL'FASHIONED DICKING ON.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUSOME OF THE (BLEEP) WHO SENT IN

PHOTOS, AND I WANT YOU TO GO TOTOWN ON THEM.

AND REMEMBER, ONLY THE FIRSTCOMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN GETS TO

ROAST THESE SADOMASOCHISTS.

ALSO REMEMBER THESE PEOPLE ASKEDUS TO DO THIS.

I'M GOING TO START THE CLOCKNOW.

FIRST ONE. JOANNA EVANS.

>> LADY THOSE DEAD FLOWERSBEHIND YOU ARE DRYING UP SLOWER

THAN YOUR OVARIES.

HERE'S @UNDRSKOR.

>> WHO'S GOT A STRIPY TOP?

>> CHRIS: MAN, YOU HAVE NOMERCY!

OUR OLD VINETERN @MIKEBENNETT.

>> IT'S A LESS-SUCCESSFUL DOUGBENSON.

LOOK AT HIM.

@JOHNKRAWCZYKJR.

>> WHO'S GOT A BEARD?

>> CHRIS: THAT ISN'T EVEN REALLYA FULL BEARD.

>> MR. BEARDIE.

>> CHRIS: HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TORECOVER FROM SUCH A THRASHING?

NEXT. @ALUCIOCOMEDY.

>> THIS GUY HASN'T WORKED SINCETHE "GOONY" MOVIE.