Comedy Central Presents
Season 11

CC Presents: Deon Cole

  • Season 11, Ep 14
  • 03/08/2007

OH. OH.

ALL RIGHT.

- HEY. - HEY.

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

THIS IS GROUNDBREAKINGRIGHT HERE, MAN.

I APPRECIATE THIS, MAN.THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

I'M GONNA DO SOME JOKES.

AND AH, YOU KNOW, HOPEFULLY THEY WORK.

AND IF THEY DON'T, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIVE HERE

SO IT DON'T MATTEROR NOTHIN' LIKE THAT SO.

I'M JUST GONNA TRY SOME JOKES OUT REAL QUICK

SEE IF THEY WORK OR WHATEVER.

- LET'S SEE. - [LAUGHTER]

OKAY. LET'S START THIS OFF WITH SOMETHING THEY MIGHT LIKE.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, COOL.

I LIKE DRINKIN' VODKA AND CRANBERRY. THAT'S MY DRINK.

THAT WAY YOU'RE ABLE TO GET MESSED UP AND CLEAN YOUR SYSTEM OUT

- AT THE SAME TIME. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TO STAY EVEN WHEN I GET MESSED UP. YOU KNOW?

LIKE I JUST FOUND OUT FISH IS BRAIN FOOD.

IT ENHANCE YOUR BRAIN CELLS. AND THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

'CAUSE LIKE WEEDKILLS YOUR BRAIN CELLS.

SO IF I EAT SOME FISH AFTER EVERY JOINT,

I SHOULD BE EVEN AGAIN, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YEP. I MIGHTJUST START SMOKIN' FISH.

YOU KNOW, JUST CUT THE MIDDLEMAN OUT. YOU KNOW?

I REMEMBER ONE TIMEI TRIED TO GET HIGH ANDI DIDN'T HAVE NO WEED.

AND MY LITTLEHISPANIC HOMEY WAS LIKE,

"DEON, HOLMES, IF YOU DON'T HAVE NO WEED,

"TAKE SOME CIGARETTES, DIP 'EM IN SOME COLD MEDICINE.

DRY 'EM AND SMOKE 'EM. YOU'LL BE MESSED UP."

I'M LIKE, "FORGET YOU, PEPE. I AIN'T ABOUT TO DO THAT."

ABOUT A WEEK LATER I'M OVER MY COUSIN'S HOUSE PLAYIN' PLAYSTATION.

I'M LIKE "YOU GOT SOME COLD MEDICINE?"

HE WAS LIKE "YOU GOT SOME CIGARETTES?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH." WE DIPPED AND DRIED AND SMOKED 'EM.

FIVE MINUTES LATER I WAS LIKE-- HA, HA, HA, HA.

OH, HIGH AS HELL. BUT WE WASN'T HIGH. WE WAS JUST SLEEPY.

I AIN'T HAD A CHEST COLDSINCE THAT HAPPENED.

IF THERE'S ANY DRUG DEALERS IN THE HOUSE I JUST WANNA TELL YOU

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

DON'T GET CAUGHT. PEOPLE LIKE MENEED YOU OUT HERE. ALL RIGHT?

THE GUY I WAS BUYIN' WEED FROM IN CHICAGO, HE DIED. AND IT HURT MY SOUL, TOO.

I JUST WANNA TELL THE DEALERS, YOU CAN'T BE OUT ON THE STREETS

ACTING ANY KIND OF WAY YOU WANT TO,

GETTIN' SHOT AND STABBED AND STUFF.

I MEAN YOU GOT RESPONSIBILITIES, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA THINK ABOUT YOUR CUSTOMERS, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN IF YOU DIE,HOW WE GONNA GET HIGH?YOU SEE HOW THAT WORKS?

ONE OF THOSE GUYS GETS THE WEED AND SETS TO ANSWER THE DOOR

I'M LIKE, "HEY, REED, TELL SNAKE I WANNA GET A LITTLE 20 SACK."

SHE LIKE "DEON, SNAKE DEAD." I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

"SO THERE AIN'T NO WEED HERE?

HOW'D HE GO DOWN AND TAKE THE WEED WITH HIM, HUH?"

ONE TIME I MESSED UP MY MOTHERREAL BAD.

LIKE MY MOTHER, A CHRISTIAN. LIKE, SHE IS A SUPER CHRISTIAN.

LIKE, SHE GO TO CHURCH WITH A CAPE ON, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MESSED UP REAL BAD WITH HER ONE TIME.

SHE WAS IN THE HOUSE PRAYIN' AND READIN' THE BIBLE

WITH HER FRIENDS. ME AND MY FRIEND OUTSIDE, WE SMOKIN' ON SOMETHING

AND MY BOY LIKE, [PUFFS] "HEY, MAN.

LET'S GO IN YOUR HOUSE AND ORDER A PIZZA, ALL RIGHT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "NAW.MY MOM IN THERE PRAYIN'AND READIN' THE BIBLE

WITH HER FRIENDS, YOU KNOW. PLUS WE GONNA BE TOO LOUD."

HE LIKE, [PUFFS] "WE AIN'T GONNA BE TOO LOUD, ALL RIGHT?!

I AIN'T NO PRAYER HATEROR NOTHIN' LIKE THATBUT I'M HUNGRY AS HELL

AND I WOULDN'T DO THISIF WE WAS AT MY HOUSE!"

YOU KNOW I HATE PEER PRESSURE, SO I'M LIKE, "COME ON, MAN."

SO WE GO IN THE HOUSE AND ORDER HIS PIZZA.

WHILE WE'RE WAITIN' ON THE PIZZA WE HAVE A MAN TALK.

TALKING ABOUT WOMEN, SEX, [BLEEP], IT WAS BASICALLY THAT,

WHAT WE WAS TALKIN' ABOUT, WHATEVER BUT.

I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL GOT THIS AROUND YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

IN CHICAGO, WE GOT THE GHETTOEST PIZZA PLACES

IN THE WORLD. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE NO DELIVER MAN.

THEY GIVE YOUR PIZZA TO WHOEVER GOIN' YOUR WAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TELLIN' YOU, MAN. I OPEN MY DOOR,

THEY BE SENDING CRACK HEADS AND DRUG DEALERS.

OPEN MY DOOR. THERE'S A PIMP STANDIN' THERE

WITH TWO BITCHES JUST STANDIN' THERE, YOU KNOW.

HE WASN'T HOLDIN' MY PIZZA LIKE THIS.

HE WAS HOLDIN' IT LIKE IT WAS A PORTFOLIO OR SOMETHING,

YOU KNOW, JUST CHILLIN'. I'M LIKE "TURN MY PIZZA UP."

WE START TO EAT THE PIZZA. AND I STARTED THINKIN', "MAN, MY MOM WENT TO CHURCH TODAY.

I SHOULD GO SEE IF SHE WANTS SOME OF THIS PIZZA."

SO I GO IN HER ROOM.I'M HIGH AS A MINK COAT.I KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP MOMMY. [LAUGHS]

"OH, WHAT'S SO FUNNY? OH, NO, I WAS JUST LAUGHIN'

"AT SOMETHING MY FRIEND SAID IN THE ROOM.

"I DIDN'T WANNA DISTURB Y'ALL FROM

"PRAYIN' AND READIN' THE BIBLE. I JUST CAME HERE TO SEE IF

"Y'ALL WANTED A PIECE OF [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"MAMA-- UM...

MAMA, THE DEVIL BEEN TAKIN' OVER MY SOUL ALL WEEK."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

CHECK THIS OUT. HOW ABOUT IF WE ALL HAD THE POWER TO JUST THINK ABOUT

WHERE WE WANTED TO BE AT AND WE COULD BE JUST BE THERE.

WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL? I GET DEEP.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW DEEP I GET BEFORE I GO OFF INTO THE JOKE.

IMAGINE IF EVERYBODY IN HERE RIGHT NOW,

IMAGINE IF WE ALLWALKED OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW

AND WE WERE ALREADY THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SMOKE ONE. YOU'LL KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT I PROMISE YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IMAGINE IF YOU COULD JUST THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU WANTED TO BE AT

AND YOU COULD JUST BE THERE. WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL? 'CAUSE I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL

SITTIN' OUT HERE RIGHT NOW ARE LIKE,

"MAN, I GOTTA DRIVE ALL THE WAYOVER HERE, DROP THEM OFF,

"COME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE, PICK MY KIDS UP AND GO

ALL THE WAY HOME."WHEN THE ONLY THINGYOU COULD DO IS DO THIS.

"I WISH I WAS AT HOME IN MY BED CHILLIN'." YOU GO, "HUHM."

BE RIGHT IN YOUR BED CHILLIN'.IF YOU COULD DO THAT--

AND I KNOW IF I HAVEPOWERS LIKE THAT-- I'D BE LIKE "I GOT POWERS LIKE THIS?

OKAY, I WANNA BEIN THE DOWNTOWN NATIONALBANK VAULT. HUHM."

GET DOWN THERE.I TAKE ALL OF THE MONEY

AND BE LIKE, "OKAY, LIQUOR STORE, REEFER SPOT,

- MY WOMAN HOUSE. HUHM." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'D BE TRYIN' TO GET MONEY OUT OF THE CASH STATION

GETTIN' ROBBED.GUY COME UP BEHIND YOU.

"FREEZE. WITHDRAW EVERYTHING NOW. I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF."

I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE, "HUHM." I'D BE LIKE, POW, POW, POW.

"WHERE HE GOIN' TO?" I'D WENT RIGHT BEHIND HIM.

LIKE, "HUHM TRYIN' TO ROB ME,BASTARD, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU COULDN'T CHEAT ON YOUR WOMAN NEITHER, RIGHT.

OVER AT SOMEBODY HOUSE GOIN', "WHOSE IS IT? WHOSE IS IT?"

SHE AT HOME LIKE, "HE AIN'T CALLED YET?

"I BET HE OVER FOOQUANDA HOUSE.

I WANNA BE INTHE BITCH CLOSET. HUHM."

GET OUT OF HER CLOSET. SEE YOU IN THERE.

SHE LIKE, "AH, I KNEW HE WAS CHEATIN' ON ME.

"FORGET IT. TO THENEAREST GUN SHOP. HUHM.

"YEAH, LET ME SEE THAT NINE-MILLIMETER RIGHT THERE.

THE CLIP COME WITH IT? INFRARED? I'LL TAKE THIS."

"OKAY, MA'AM. THAT'LL BE 400 AND--"

- "HUHM." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUMPING IN THE CLOSET. BOOM! "FREEZE, DEON.

"I KNEW YOU WAS CHEATIN' ON ME.YOU LEAVIN' ME AT HOME WITH THEM

"LITTLE NAPPY HEADED ASS KIDS. YOU AIN'T GONNA DO IT NO MORE.

I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR BALLS OFF NOW."

I'LL BE LIKE, "HOLD ON. JUST HOLD ON FOR A MINUTE.

FOOQUANDA,TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED."SHE BE LIKE,

- "[BLEEP]. HUHM." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRY TO HIT ON ME.I TRIED TO CURSE HIM OUT

BUT IT SEEMED LIKE I KEPT GIVIN' HIM COMPLIMENTS.

I WENT UP THE COUNTER HE WAS LIKE "CAN I HELP YOU?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, LET ME GET A CHEESEBURGER."

HE LIKE-- "WHAT YOU WANT ON YOUR CHEESEBURGER?"

"CHEESE. I WANT CHEESE ON MY CHEESEBURGER."

HE LIKE "WHAT ELSE?" I'M LIKE, "LOOK,

YOU GOTTA QUIT PLAYIN' WITH ME, MAN."

HE LIKE, "OR WHAT?" I'M LIKE, "OR I'LL BUST YOUR ASS.

I MEAN-- NAW, NAW, NO, I'M NOT-- UM...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE."

WOMEN, IF YOU LIVE IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD,

LET SOMEBODY KNOW YOU LIVE IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.

HAVE SOMEBODY DROP YOU OFF BEFORE THE GET THEY CAR

SHOT ALL UP MESSIN' AROUND WITH YOU

AND YOUR MESSY ASSNEIGHBORHOOD. ALL RIGHT?

WENT OUT WITH THIS GIRL ONE TIME.

SHE TOOK ME TO THISMEXICAN FOOD RESTAURANTTHAT WAS BLACK OWNED.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK,JUST WRAP MY FOOD UP, ALL RIGHT?

"LOOK SWEETHEART, I GOT ONE MORE JOINT. WE COULD SMOKE THIS.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.NOW WHERE YOU LIVE AT."

SHE LIKE, "KEEP STRAIGHT. MAKE A RIGHT."

I PULL UP IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE.

I'M LOOKIN' AROUND LIKE, "AH, YOU LIVE IN THE PROJECTS, HUH?

"NAW, NAW, IT AIN'T NO PROBLEM

"WITH YOU LIVIN' IN THE PROJECTS AND STUFF, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

"IT'S JUST THE FACT THAT, YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE KEEP

"WALKIN' AROUND MY CAR AND STUFF, YOU KNOW?

"AND I CAN'T KEEP MY EYE ON ALL OF THESE PEOPLE

"WHO WALKIN' AROUND MY CAR AND STUFF, YOU KNOW.

I'M HIGH, I'M PARANOID. YOU KNOWI DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW."

SHE TELL ME, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM. JUST WALK ME TO MY DOOR."

I'M LIKE,"WALK YOU TO YOUR DOOR?

BITCH, YOU'RE GONNAWALK ME BACK TO MY CAR."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- IT'S SELFISH. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MEN, WATCH WHO YOU ARE DATIN' OUT HERE, ALL RIGHT?

I HAD A REAL BAD EXPERIENCE ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO.

I WAS IN A CLUBKISSIN' THIS MAN ALL NIGHT, MAN.

NAW, HE LOOKED LIKE A WOMAN, THOUGH. HE HAD THE SURGERY.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,THIS IS THE THICKEST MAN

I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE,ALL RIGHT.

I'M IN THERE BUYIN' HIM DRINKS AND HOLDIN' HIS HAND

AND LICKIN' HIS EAR...

AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE NO PUNCH LINE.

JUST WATCH WHO YOU ARE DATIN' OUT HERE, ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- YAH-WHO! - AH YEAH, UM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TREATED ME BAD DOWN THERE, REAL BAD.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS HOTEL ROOM THEY PUT ME IN.

PUT ME IN A MEXICAN SUPER EIGHT

- CALLED THE GRANDE OCHO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM WAS CHAINED DOWN.

I COULDN'T EVEN PULL MY SHEETS BACK.

THEY WAS CHAINED DOWN IN THERE.

DID A SHOW IN ALASKA. TRIPPED ME OUT IN ALASKA.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWTHERE WAS BLACK PEOPLE UP THERE.

AND THEY SLEEPIN' WITH EVERYBODY IN ALASKA. I MEAN EVERYBODY.

THEY GOT LIKE INTERRACIAL COUPLES UP THERE.

ALL DAY LONG I SAW KOREANS WITH BLACKS,

I SAW ALASKANS WITH BLACKS. I MEAN THEY UP THERE DOIN' IT.

I COULD HAVE SWORE I SAW A DOG WITH BIG LIPS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SAW THIS UGLY LADY IN AN AIRPORT COMIN' DOWN HERE.

I AIN'T ONE TO TALK ABOUT UGLY PEOPLE, BUT AS SOON AS I SAW HER

I JUST STARTED FROWNIN' UP.

WHAT WAS SO CRAZY IS SHE CAUGHT ME FROWNIN',

SO I HAD TO PLAY IT OFF LIKE THAT'S THE WAY I ALWAYS LOOK.

SEEING HER I WAS LIKE, "EW." SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

- I WAS LIKE, "EH." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE"WOULD YOU GO SOMEWHERESO I COULD FIX MY FACE

- BACK UP PLEASE?" - [LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEE SOMETHING IN YOUR CLOSET YOU AIN'T WORE IN A WHILE.

YOU BE LIKE,"I AIN'T WORE THAT IN A MINUTE."

THEN YOU PUT IT ONAND YOU REALIZE WHY YOUAIN'T BEEN WEARIN' IT?

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS SHIRT I GOT ON RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T KNOW IFTO LET THE SLEEVES DOWNOR NOT, I'M NOT SURE.

I'M LAZY, THOUGH. I GET DOWN TO MY LAST OUTFIT BEFORE I'LL WASH ANYTHING.

YOU'LL SEE ME IN A CLUB WITH A TUXEDO ON JUST CHILLIN'.

PEOPLE LIKE,"WHERE YOU COMIN' FROM?"I BE LIKE, "HOME.

ALL MY CLOTHES IS DIRTY.DO YOU MIND, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE CLOSE TO 30-YEARS-OLD AND YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR MOM,

MOVE ON OUT THE HOUSE. IT MAKE NO SENSE

FOR NO GROWN-ASS MAN TO BE STAYIN' IN THE SAME ROOM HE WAS BORN IN. ALL RIGHT?

YOU GO IN HIS ROOM RIGHT NOW AND IT STILL GOT,

"IT'S A BOY," AROUND THE CEILING

AND STILL HAVE A RACECAR BED. JUST TELLING YOU ABOUT MY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TIRED OF MEN PUTTIN' BIG RIMS ON ANY KIND OF CAR.

MY FRIEND PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO

IN A FORD FOCUSWITH 26-INCH RIMS ON IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE COULDN'T EVEN TURN. WE WENT STRAIGHT FOR 8 HOURS.

I WAS LIKE, "DROP ME OFF, OKAY, PLEASE?"

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD ANOTHER FRIEND. HE JUST GOT ARRESTED

FOR MAKING PHONY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

HE WAS TAKIN' PEOPLES REGULAR PICTURES,

PUTTIN' THEM ON THE DRIVER'S LICENSE.

I GOT MY LICENSE BACK. I WAS LAYIN' DOWN LIKE THIS ON MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

HE HAD A FULL BODY SHOT OF ME LOOKIN' IN THE WIND ON MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

IT WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS?"

[LAUGHTER]

WOMEN, WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT AND YOU'RE HAVIN' LITTLE GIRLS,

QUIT GIVIN' 'EM OLD NAMES, ALL RIGHT.

IT'S A TURN OFF WHEN THEY GET OLDER.

SAW THIS GIRLIN A BAR LAST NIGHT,21-YEAR-OLD. FINE, MAN.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, YOU WANT A DRINK." SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH."

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" SHE WAS LIKE, "GLADYS."

- I'M LIKE, "EW." - [LAUGHTER]

I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE MYSELF HAVING SEX WITH HER GOIN',

"YOU LIKE THIS-- GLADYS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU HATE DOIN' AROUND BLACK PEOPLE?

LIKE YOU CAN'T STANDFOR BLACK PEOPLE TO SEE YOU DOIN' IT.

IS THERE ANYTHING? HUH? WHAT'D SHE SAY?

DANCIN'? YOU HATE DANCIN' AROUND BLACK PEOPLE?

YEAH, WE HATE WATCHIN' Y'ALL DANCE, TOO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT IS HE DOIN' OVER THERE? GOLLY!

ANYTHING ELSE? NOTHIN' ELSE?

I HAD THIS ONE LADY TELL ME--WHAT'D YOU SAY?

- BEIN' AT THE URINAL. - BEIN' AT THE URINAL?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

LET ME WRITE THAT ONE DOWN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS WONDERIN'WHY Y'ALL LEAVE.

I GET TO THE URINAL THEY JUST LEAVE.

- I'D BE LIKE-- "RACIST." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THAT'S WHY, HUH? OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

I GOTTA REMEMBER THAT ONE. YEAH.

I HAD ONE LADY AT ONE OF MY SHOWS.

SHE SAID SHE HATEDLISTENIN' TO RAP MUSIC.

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, Y'ALL DO BE TOUGH AS HELL

IN Y'ALL CAR BY Y'ALL SELF LISTENIN' TO RAP MUSIC."

Y'ALL HAVE RAP MUSIC ON.YOU'RE IN YOUR CAR.

[MIMICKING LOUD RAP MUSIC]

AS SOON AS ONE OF US PULL ASIDE OF Y'ALL

YOU GET TO PICKIN' STUFFOUT YOUR HAIR, RIGHT?

- "LET ME TURN THIS DOWN." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT I HATE DOIN' AROUND WHITE PEOPLE.

I CAN'T STAND FOR WHEN WHITE PEOPLE SEE ME DOIN' THIS. I JUST CRINGE UP ANY TIME.

- WORKIN'. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ANY KIND OF WORK. I DON'T EVEN CARE.

I COULD BE MOPPIN' THE FLOOR, A WHITE GUY COME IN

I'LL BE LIKE, "GODDAMN.I LOOK LIKE A COLORED RIGHT NOW.

MIGHT AS WELL SHUCK AND JIVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAMMY."

I HATE EATIN' CHICKENIN FRONT OF Y'ALL, TOO.

OR WATERMELON.

NOW IF I'M EATIN'WATERMELON AND CHICKEN,

I WANNA COMMIT SUICIDE,I SWEAR TO YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRUE STORY, SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

WE GOT THIS THING IN CHICAGO CALLED THE TASTE OF CHICAGO.

AND WE GOT BOOTHS FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES.

JUST DIFFERENT FOODSYOU CAN TASTE LIKE FROMALL AROUND THE WORLD.

THIS GUY GAVE ME LIKE A HANDFUL OF TICKETS,

YOU KNOW, AND-- THEY GOT FOOD FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

AND WHAT'D I GO GET? SOME CHICKEN RIGHT?

SO I GO GET THIS CHICKEN. AND I'M EATIN' AND THERE'S GREASE POPPIN' EVERYWHERE.

I'M IN MY OWNLITTLE WORLD, YOU KNOW.

LIPS, BLING BLINGIN' RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, JUST WALKIN' AND EATIN' MY CHICKEN.

JUST-- YOU KNOW. AND I WALK BY THIS FRUIT STAND AND THEY GOT

- SEEDLESS WATERMELON. - [LAUGHTER]

- COME ON BROTHER, SEEDLESS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU JUST DON'T SEE SEEDLESS ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I'M LIKE, "SEEDLESS?GIVE ME FOUR OF THOSE."

I'M SITTIN' THERE EATIN' MY CHICKEN AND WATERMELON.

AND GREASE AND JUICE IS COMBININ' TOGETHER

AND I'M HUMMIN' TO MYSELF.

- [HUMMING] - [LAUGHTER]

THERE'S THIS WHITE FAMILY RIGHT ON THE SIDE OF ME

WITH THEIRCAMERA PHONE LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"LOOK AT HIM. HE WON'T STOP.

WE'RE GONNA PUT THIS ON MySpace."

I'M SITTIN' THERE LIKE, "GODDAMN.

MIGHT AS WELL SHUCK AND JIVE."

HEY, I'M DEON COLE. THANKS A LOT COMEDY CENTRAL.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Services www.mCCaption.com

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