Jim Morris & Sue Kolinsky

  • Season 1, Ep 0122
  • 02/24/1992

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL I LOVE CABLE.

I WAS-- AND DON'TAPPLAUD ON THIS

BECAUSE I DON'T WANTANY MERCY APPLAUSE--

BUT I WAS ON NETWORK TELEVISIONFOR FOUR YEARS

UNTIL MY OWN STUDIOYANKED MY SHOW OFF.

( booing )

IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO,SERIOUSLY?

BOO!

THAT'S MY PARAKEET.

WANT TO STAND UP?

I'M JUST KIDDING.

NO, I'M JUST TEASING.

IT'S A RECESSION-- I WAS LUCKYTO MAKE A LIVING IN THE ARTS

DURING A RECESSION,BUT IT'S ALL MONEY.

I LISTEN TO TELEVISION,THE NEWS, EVERY...

I WATCH NEWS 12 HOURSA DAY AND THEY HAVE--

"HEY, THE CRASH UPDATEIS BROUGHT TO YOU BY..."

TELEVISION IS SO STUPID.

THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPYTO BE ON THE A LIST

AND BRING ON TRULYTHE FINEST COMICS IN THE WORLD

AND BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT

LOOK AT SOME OF THE CRAPTHAT'S ON NETWORK TELEVISION.

LOOK AT THESEMOVIES OF THE WEEK.

THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS--

LESBIAN NEPHEW I SAW LAST WEEK.

THEY'RE GETTING SO DRY, I MEAN.

AND THEY TAKE GREAT THINGS,LIKE GREAT PLAYS

AND THEY TRY TO FORCE ITINTO A TELEVISION SHOW

LIKE WILLY LOMAN AND THE CHIMP.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

( laughter )

SOON THEY'LL BE ON CASSETTE

"DIFF'RENT STROKES, HEY, THE LOST EPISODES."

LET'S TRY TO GET THAT.

THE ONLY ONE I LIKE--

I LIKE LETTERMANAND JAY AND JOHNNY--

I DO THEM ALL THE TIME,BUT ON NETWORK

BUT DR. RUTH HASBEEN GREAT TO ME.

BUT SHE SAYS "PENIS"EVERY 12 SECONDS.

DO YOU WATCH THE SHOW?

SHE'LL SAY, "HI, YOU LOOKVERY GOOD... PENIS."

SHE HAS TO DO IT.

SHE HAS TO SAY "PENIS."

AND THE THING ISI'M GLAD SHE'S BACK.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S BEENON AND OFF TELEVISION

BUT THEY KEEP COMING UPWITH SHOWS

LIKE "ORAL SEX AND SPORTSBETTING-- HEY, HERE'S DR. RUTH."

BUT THAT WAS THE TOUGHEST SHOWFOR ME AS A COMEDIAN

TO PLUG A PERSONAL APPEARANCE.

"HI, DR. RUTH."

( as Dr. Ruth: )"YES, SIMULTANEOUS..."

THAT SOUNDED LIKE A NEO-NAZI,BUT SHE'S ACTUALLY A HEROINE.

SHE'S LIKEA GREAT JEWISH PERSON.

BUT SHE SAID

"SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMSARE VERY IMPORTANT."

I WENT, "YES,THEY ABSOLUTELY ARE.

I'LL BE ATOHIO STATE UNIVERSITY..."

BUT MY MOTHER, YOU KNOW

SHE MISSES THAT I'M NOTON A SITCOM ANYMORE

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

SHE DIDN'T EVEN WATCH ME

BECAUSE SHE HAS THIS SETTHAT MY DAD GOT HER IN '49.

IT'S ABOUT EIGHT INCHES BY THREE

AND I SAW BEN HURONCE AT HER HOUSE

AND BEN HUR WAS RACINGAGAINST HIMSELF

BECAUSE THE OTHER GUY WASIN ANOTHER APARTMENT.

( laughter )

BUT COME ON, CABLE'SWHERE IT'S AT RIGHT NOW.

REGULAR TELEVISION IS...

LOOK, AND TV GUIDE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME

BUT THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE--

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, "WHAT LASSIEIS," THREE LETTERS.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

THEN THEY HAVE--IT'S NOT JUST TV GUIDE

THEY HAVE THESEIN GROCERY STORES.

YOU GET LIKEWHAT'S ON THIS WEEK.

I THINK THEY CALL ITTHE LOGS OF WHAT THE SHOW IS.

THAT'S WHAT THEYCALL TECHNICALLY

"HEY, WELCOME TO HUNTER COLLEGE,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN."

I ONCE SAW A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.

IT WAS THE WORST EVER.

IT WAS "A SURPRISE VISITFROM HIS SISTER-IN-LAW

THROWS OFF STANLEY'SBOWLING GAME."

HEY, LET'S WATCHTHAT CLASSIC, COME ON.

( laughter )

MY MOTHER WANTS ME TO STAYON TV AND SHE IDOLIZES OPRAH.

FINE, I LIKE OPRAH, BUT, YOUKNOW, EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT IT

BUT I SAW HER SHOW LAST WEEK"JEWS WHO DON'T COMPLAIN."

THAT'S WHEN I FELT...

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.