Jim Morris & Sue Kolinsky

  • Season 1, Ep 0122
  • 02/24/1992

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL I LOVE CABLE.

I WAS-- AND DON'TAPPLAUD ON THIS

BECAUSE I DON'T WANTANY MERCY APPLAUSE--

BUT I WAS ON NETWORK TELEVISIONFOR FOUR YEARS

UNTIL MY OWN STUDIOYANKED MY SHOW OFF.

( booing )

IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO,SERIOUSLY?

BOO!

THAT'S MY PARAKEET.

WANT TO STAND UP?

I'M JUST KIDDING.

NO, I'M JUST TEASING.

IT'S A RECESSION-- I WAS LUCKYTO MAKE A LIVING IN THE ARTS

DURING A RECESSION,BUT IT'S ALL MONEY.

I LISTEN TO TELEVISION,THE NEWS, EVERY...

I WATCH NEWS 12 HOURSA DAY AND THEY HAVE--

"HEY, THE CRASH UPDATEIS BROUGHT TO YOU BY..."

TELEVISION IS SO STUPID.

THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPYTO BE ON THE A LIST

AND BRING ON TRULYTHE FINEST COMICS IN THE WORLD

AND BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT

LOOK AT SOME OF THE CRAPTHAT'S ON NETWORK TELEVISION.

LOOK AT THESEMOVIES OF THE WEEK.

THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS--

LESBIAN NEPHEW I SAW LAST WEEK.

THEY'RE GETTING SO DRY, I MEAN.

AND THEY TAKE GREAT THINGS,LIKE GREAT PLAYS

AND THEY TRY TO FORCE ITINTO A TELEVISION SHOW

LIKE WILLY LOMAN AND THE CHIMP.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

( laughter )

SOON THEY'LL BE ON CASSETTE

"DIFF'RENT STROKES, HEY, THE LOST EPISODES."

LET'S TRY TO GET THAT.

THE ONLY ONE I LIKE--

I LIKE LETTERMANAND JAY AND JOHNNY--

I DO THEM ALL THE TIME,BUT ON NETWORK

BUT DR. RUTH HASBEEN GREAT TO ME.

BUT SHE SAYS "PENIS"EVERY 12 SECONDS.

DO YOU WATCH THE SHOW?

SHE'LL SAY, "HI, YOU LOOKVERY GOOD... PENIS."

SHE HAS TO DO IT.

SHE HAS TO SAY "PENIS."

AND THE THING ISI'M GLAD SHE'S BACK.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S BEENON AND OFF TELEVISION

BUT THEY KEEP COMING UPWITH SHOWS

LIKE "ORAL SEX AND SPORTSBETTING-- HEY, HERE'S DR. RUTH."

BUT THAT WAS THE TOUGHEST SHOWFOR ME AS A COMEDIAN

TO PLUG A PERSONAL APPEARANCE.

"HI, DR. RUTH."

( as Dr. Ruth: )"YES, SIMULTANEOUS..."

THAT SOUNDED LIKE A NEO-NAZI,BUT SHE'S ACTUALLY A HEROINE.

SHE'S LIKEA GREAT JEWISH PERSON.

BUT SHE SAID

"SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMSARE VERY IMPORTANT."

I WENT, "YES,THEY ABSOLUTELY ARE.

I'LL BE ATOHIO STATE UNIVERSITY..."

( laughter )

"AND THIS..."

"IS..."

"CONSTIPATION."

( laughter )

"YOU KNOW THATIT WOULD BE UNTRUE

"YOU KNOW THATI WOULD BE A LIAR

"IF, NOW IF,I WERE TO SAY TO YOU

"GIRL, WE COULDN'TGET MUCH HIGHER.

COME ON, BABY,AND LIGHT MY FIRE."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

YES, I LOVE DOING IMPRESSIONS.

THE BIGGEST KICK FOR MEIS DOING AN IMPRESSION

TO THE GUY'S FACEAND I HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY.

NOT LONG AGO,I RAN INTO TED KOPPEL.

I WAS DOING A GIG DOWNIN FLORIDA SOMEWHERE

AND THEY TOLD ME THAT HE HADA HOUSE ON THE ISLAND.

AND I WASN'T LOOKING TO MEET HIM

BUT HE'S MY FAVORITE JOURNALISTOUTSIDE OF MAYBE SAM DONALDSON.

YOU KNOW, SAM.

( as Donaldson: )"SAM DONALDSON, AB..."

SO ANYWAY, THERE HE WAS PLAYINGTENNIS WITH HIS DAUGHTER--

TED KOPPEL.

I WAITED FOR HIM TO FINISH

AND HE'S WALKING OFF THE COURTWITH HIS DAUGHTER

AND I WENT UP TO HIMAND I INTRODUCED MYSELF.

I SAID, "MY NAME IS JIM MORRIS.

I'M AN IMPRESSIONIST,I MAKE FUN OF YOU ALL THE TIME."

SO HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE SAYS,"HELLO, I AM TED KOPPEL...

"AND THIS...

"IS...

MY DAUGHTER."

SO I ASKED HIS DAUGHTER

"DOES YOUR DADDYALWAYS TALK LIKE THAT?"

( enunciating like Koppel: )"YES, HE DOES.

"IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

IT'S VERY ANNOYING."

( laughter )

( as Dan Rather: )"GOOD EVENING, THIS ISTHE CBS EVENING NEWS.

DAN RATHER REPORTING, ASKINGTHE QUESTION, WHY AM I WEIRD?"

( laughter )

"OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, LITTLEMISS MUFFET SAT ON A TUFFET

"EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY

"WHEN ALONG CAME A SPIDERAND SAT DOWN BESIDE HER

"AND INTRODUCED HER

"TO THAT OFTEN DEADLYCOCAINE DERIVATIVE CRACK.

"BOB SCHIEFFER REPORTS

ON HOW WE MAY NOT BE WINNINGTHAT DRUG WAR AFTER ALL."

I WATCH THE NEWS MAYBE TOO MUCH.

OH-- TOM BROKAW.

I DO AN IMPRESSION OF HIM.

HERE'S A GUY WHO GETSPAID MILLIONS OF BUCKS

AND CAN'T EVEN SAYTHE FULL ALPHABET.

IMAGINE CALLING AT HOME,GETTING HIS ANSWERING MACHINE.

( as Brokaw: )"HELLO, I'M TOM BROKAWAND HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

"I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE, BUTI'M RUNNING A LITTLE LATE.

"I'M DELIVERING A LENGTHYLECTURE ON LINGUISTIC ELOCUTION

AT LOYOLA COLLEGE."

AND SAID THAT MAGIC WORD "PENIS"

AND I CAN'T BELIEVETHAT YOU CAN SAY THAT.

CAN I SAY THAT?

ARE WE ON TV?

THE FIRST TIME, THOUGH

I EVER HEARD THE WORD PENISWAS NOT FROM DR. RUTH.

IT WAS FROM THE MEDICAL EDITORAT ABC, DR. TIMOTHY JOHNSON

AND HE CAME ON WITHHIS "MEDICAL MINUTE."

HE SAID, "HELLO,I'M DR. TIMOTHY JOHNSON.

"MEN, IF YOU WAKE UPIN THE MORNING

TO FIND YOUR PENISSEVERED AT THE ROOT

THIS MAY BE SUFFICIENTCAUSE FOR ALARM."

IT'S LIKE THE EPITOME OFUNDERSTATEMENT-- I THINK SO.

"DON'T PANIC,CALL YOUR PHYSICIAN.

"IF YOU CAN LOCATETHE DISMEMBERED MEMBER

IT MAY NOT BE TOO LATETO SEW IT BACK ON."

YEAH, BUT AS--LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--

AS THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR,I FIND MYSELF... THANK YOU.

I FIND MYSELF WATCHINGTHESE POLITICAL TALK SHOWS

EVERY SUNDAY MORNING

AND MY FAVORITE OF THESEIS THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP.

FIVE GROWN PEOPLE SIT AROUNDAND SCREAM AT EACH OTHER.

( as McLaughlin: )"QUICKLY, QUICKLY NOW--ISSUE TWO...

"COME ON, I WANT TO GETOUT OF THIS, YOU PUTZ.

"ISSUE TWO:CAN GEORGE BUSH BE HURT

"BY RECENT REVELATIONSOF HIS FREQUENT BED-WETTING?

I ASK YOU, MORTON."

I MEAN, THERE IS THE MAN

THAT FORMER PRESIDENTRONALD REAGAN SAID

WAS THE BEST VICE-PRESIDENTIN HIS MEMORY.

RONALD REAGAN SAID THATABOUT GEORGE BUSH AND...

I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DEBATES.

IN 1988 MICHAEL DUKAKISCOULD SPEAK SPANISH

AND BUSH WAS VERYINTIMIDATED BY THIS.

HE SAID, WE DON'T NEED APRESIDENT WHO CAN SPEAK SPANISH

WE NEED A PRESIDENT WHO CAN TALKGIBBERISH AND I AM THAT MAN.

ANYWAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,TO DEFEND HIS RECORD

THE PRESIDENT OFTHE UNITED STATES

GEORGE HERBERT WALKER

GRIFFITH-JOYNER-KERSEE-COUGAR-MELLENCAMP-BUSH.

( as Bush: )"HOW ARE YOU?

"GOOD TO BE HERE WITH YOU.

"I SUPPORT YOU ALL.

"I AM THE EDUCATION PRESIDENT,I AM THE ENVIRONMENTAL PRESIDENT

"I AM THE EGGMAN, I'MTHE WALRUS, COO-COO-CATCHOO.

AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT."

"WHY BLAME ME FOR THE ECONOMY?

"I MEAN, I'VE BEEN OUT OF TOWN.

"I BLAME THE CONGRESS BECAUSEIT'S THEM, THEY'RE THE ONES.

"I WENT TO CONGRESS, I SAID

"'MY SLEEVES ARE ROLLED UP,MY HAND IS STILL EXTENDED

"'BUT MY MIDDLE FINGER'SSTARTING TO TWITCH.

"LET'S GET MOVING ONTHESE PROGRAMS THERE.'

"WENT TO JAPAN THERE

"AND I TOLD THE PRIME MINISTERKIICHI MIYAZAWA

"THAT NOW IS NOT THE TIMEFOR US TO THROW UP

"MORE BARRIERS TO FREE TRADE.

"OF COURSE I DID THAT, TOO.

"PRESIDENTIAL PUKE THERE.

"AND I APOLOGIZED TO HIM.

"HE SAID IT WAS OKAY.

"THE ONLY PART ABOUT ITHE REGRETTED WAS

"THAT HE HAD HIS PANTS CUFFED.

"BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

"THERE'S A NEW BREEZEBLOWING OUT THERE

"AND WE'RE BREAKING NEW WIND...

"GROUND, WE'RE BREAKING NEWGROUND, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.

DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER WE'REBLACK OR ASIAN OR HISPANIEL..."

( laughter )

"OR OTHERS ON THE FRINGE--WOMEN.

WE'RE ALL AMERICANAND I SUPPORT YOU ALL."

( cheering )

"FORMER PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES

"TO SAY A FEW WORDS TO YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,RONALD WILSON REAGAN."

( applause )

( grunts )

( laughter )

"WELL..."

( applause )

( laughter )

"OH.

OH..."

( laughter )

"OH."

( laughter )

( grunts )

"OH!"

( laughter )

"WELL, GOD BLESS YOU ALL,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

"I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOWTHAT NANCY AND I--

WELL, WE ENJOYEDBEING PRESIDENT."

( laughter and applause )

"OH...

"AND BEFORE I GO,I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW

"THAT I REGARD EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU AS AMERICAN HEROES.

"YOU'RE ALL AMERICAN HEROES.

YOU AND YOU AND WELL..."

( laughter )

"YOUR DEEDS HAVEKINDLED THE FLAME

"THAT HAVE BURNEDDEEP IN OUR SOULS

"AND PROVIDEDENDLESS INSPIRATION

"TO ALL THOSE THAT YOU TOUCH.

"YOU HAVE CARRIED THE TORCH ANDHELD IT HIGH FOR ALL TO SEE.

FOR ALL WHO YEARN TO SEEOUR SHORES FROM SEA TO..."

( groans )

( laughter )

"WELL, GOD BLESS YOU ALL INA WAY FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE

"AND ALL YOU CONTINUE TO DO.

"FOR ALL YOU DOTHIS BUD'S FOR YOU.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL."

BUT MY MOTHER, YOU KNOW

SHE MISSES THAT I'M NOTON A SITCOM ANYMORE

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

SHE DIDN'T EVEN WATCH ME

BECAUSE SHE HAS THIS SETTHAT MY DAD GOT HER IN '49.

IT'S ABOUT EIGHT INCHES BY THREE

AND I SAW BEN HURONCE AT HER HOUSE

AND BEN HUR WAS RACINGAGAINST HIMSELF

BECAUSE THE OTHER GUY WASIN ANOTHER APARTMENT.

( laughter )

BUT COME ON, CABLE'SWHERE IT'S AT RIGHT NOW.

REGULAR TELEVISION IS...

LOOK, AND TV GUIDE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME

BUT THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE--

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, "WHAT LASSIEIS," THREE LETTERS.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

THEN THEY HAVE--IT'S NOT JUST TV GUIDE

THEY HAVE THESEIN GROCERY STORES.

YOU GET LIKEWHAT'S ON THIS WEEK.

I THINK THEY CALL ITTHE LOGS OF WHAT THE SHOW IS.

THAT'S WHAT THEYCALL TECHNICALLY

"HEY, WELCOME TO HUNTER COLLEGE,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN."

I ONCE SAW A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.

IT WAS THE WORST EVER.

IT WAS "A SURPRISE VISITFROM HIS SISTER-IN-LAW

THROWS OFF STANLEY'SBOWLING GAME."

HEY, LET'S WATCHTHAT CLASSIC, COME ON.

( laughter )

MY MOTHER WANTS ME TO STAYON TV AND SHE IDOLIZES OPRAH.

FINE, I LIKE OPRAH, BUT, YOUKNOW, EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT IT

BUT I SAW HER SHOW LAST WEEK"JEWS WHO DON'T COMPLAIN."

THAT'S WHEN I FELT...

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, HUH?

DONNING GLASSES TONIGHT.

I USUALLY WEAR CONTACT LENSES.

THEY'RE NOT AS MUCH FUN,CONTACT LENSES.

YOU CAN'T DO THE SAME THINGS.

YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM OFF,PUT THEM ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD.

YOU CAN'T BE COOL,HANG THEM BY YOUR MOUTH.

YOU CAN'T MAKE A POINTWITH CONTACT LENSES.

SEE GLASSES YOU CANTAKE THEM OFF AND GO...

"YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?"

WHAT DO YOU DOWITH CONTACT LENSES?

"OH, BOB, WHAT IMEANT BY THAT WAS."

( laughter )

SO I JUST MOVED OUT HEREFROM NEW YORK-- ANOTHER JEW.

YOU GOT TO GET USED TO TOO MANYTHINGS WHEN YOU MOVE OUT HERE.

THERE'S TOO MUCHSHOW BUSINESS.

IT'S LIKE TO THE POINT, I DON'TTRUST ANYTHING THAT I SEE.

I'M DRIVING HOME THE OTHER NIGHTAND I SEE A DEER.

AND I WAS LIKE, "COOL, A DEER."

THEN I'M THINKINGI'M IN HOLLYWOOD.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A DEEROR SOMEONE DRESSED AS A DEER.

OR A DEER WITH A CIGARETTE ANDA SCRIPT WALKING INTO A TRAILER.

I JUST SAID I MOVED HERE.

I JUST MOVED INWITH MY BOYFRIEND

AFTER A TWO-YEARLONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S NICE TO DO THINGSTOGETHER FOR A CHANGE.

IT'S NICE TO GO TO THE MOVIES,HAVE DINNER TOGETHER.

FRANKLY, IT'S NICE TO HAVE SEXWITHOUT M.C.I. BEING INVOLVED.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHAT'S EMBARRASSINGABOUT PHONE SEX?

IT'S THAT MY NEIGHBORSCAN HEAR ME HAVING SEX

BUT THEY NEVER SEE ANYBODYENTER OR LEAVE MY APARTMENT.

( laughter )

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED ACTUALLY

AFTER BEING TOGETHERSEVEN YEARS.

WOW, IT'S A LONG TIME, HUH?

UH, FAR CRY FROM WHEN OURPARENTS GOT MARRIED, HUH?

THEY DATED WHAT, A YEAR?

SEVEN YEARS, WHAT,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME THEYHAD SEX WAS ON THEIR HONEYMOON.

BOY, TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

NOT ONLY HAVE I HAD SEXWITH MY BOYFRIEND

BUT SO HAVE SOMEOF MY GIRLFRIENDS.

( laughter )

AND WOMEN ARE HAVING CHILDRENMUCH LATER IN LIFE ALSO.

I READ AN ARTICLEIN NEW YORK MAGAZINE.

WOMEN 49 YEARS OLD HAVINGTHEIR FIRST CHILD-- 49?

I COULDN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAYTO SPEND MY GOLDEN YEARS.

WHAT'S THE ADVANTAGEOF HAVING A KID AT 49?

YOU CAN BOTH BE IN DIAPERSAT THE SAME TIME?

EXCEPT WHEN I GO TO VISIT

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LEAVE ANYTHINGAROUND LITTLE KIDS

BECAUSE THEY GO THROUGH YOURSTUFF-- LUGGAGE, TOILETRIES.

I WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLEOF THE NIGHT

THEY HAVE MY UNDERWEARON THEIR HEAD

THEY'RE CHEWING MY LIPSTICK.

THEY'RE LIKE RACCOONS ONA CAMPING TRIP, LITTLE KIDS.

YOU GOT A PUT A LITTLEFLASHLIGHT IN THEIR FACE

"ALL RIGHT, PUT IT DOWN."

LOOKED LIKE A NIECE CAUGHTIN A HEADLIGHT, YOU KNOW.

MY SISTER WENT THROUGHNATURAL CHILDBIRTH.

GOD BLESS ANY WOMENTHAT GOES THROUGH THIS.

BUT THERE'S CERTAINTHINGS WOMEN DO

THAT THEY THINK IS GOINGTO RELIEVE THE PAIN--

CERTAIN MUSIC THAT THEY PLAY,COLORS IN THE ROOM.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THE IDEA OF SOMETHINGEIGHT POUNDS, FIVE OUNCES

TRYING TO SQUEEZE OUTOF ANY PART OF MY BODY--

WHETHER THE ROOM IS TAN ORFUCHSIA IS REALLY A MOOT POINT.

( laughter )

SEE, I HAVE NOTHRESHOLD OF PAIN.

I'LL BE IN LABOR,LIKE, TEN MINUTES.

"OUCH! DOC, COME HERE.

"I'LL TAKE THAT C-SECTIONFOR A THOUSAND, PLEASE?

"NO, I DON'T CARE ABOUTTHE BIKINI RIGHT NOW.

"YOU CAN JUST CUTAND GET THAT OUT.

"VAIN? VAIN?YEAH, I'M REALLY VAIN.

"MY LEGS ARE IN THE AIR,MY CROTCH IS IN YOUR FACE.

I'M REAL VAIN."

( laughter and applause )

WHAT AMAZES ME IS THAT A WOMANWILL GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS

AND THEN BE A SURROGATE MOTHER--BAFFLING.

LADIES, COULD YOU IMAGINEHAVING A CHILD

AND THEN GIVING ITTO SOMEBODY ELSE?

IS THIS LIKE THEULTIMATE FAVOR, OR WHAT?

I MEAN, I THINK I'M A GOODFRIEND, I'LL HELP YOU MOVE.

( laughter )

ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OFMY BODY AFTER NINE MONTHS.

I'M KEEPING.

I DON'T CAREIF IT'S A SHOE, IT'S MINE.

( laughter )

PARENTS ARE OBNOXIOUS THE FIRSTYEARS OF THEIR CHILD'S LIFE.

THEY ALWAYS GIVETHEIR AGE IN MONTHS.

"HOW OLD IS MATTHEW?"

"UH, 22 MONTHS."

"HE'S ALMOST TWO?

YOU DIDN'T GET THE MONTH-TO-YEARCONVERSION CHART?"

( laughter )

"OH, HE'S 9,000 MONTHS?

HE MUST HAVE HIS LICENSEBY NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

PARENTS ARE VERY PROUDOF THEIR CHILDREN.

THE FIRST THINGTHE CHILD DOES WELL

IS AUTOMATICALLYTHEIR PROFESSION.

IT'S LIKE, "LOOK, HE'S RUNNING.

HE'S GOING TO BEIN THE OLYMPICS."

WELL, HE'S DROOLING, TOO,COULD BE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.

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