CC Presents: Tom Cotter

  • Season 8, Ep 13
  • 03/11/2004

THIS IS KIND OF TENSE FOR ME,

YOU KNOW, MY OWN SPECIAL ON

COMEDY CENT--

THIS MORNING I WOKE UP AND

I COULD FEEL TENSION MOUNTING.

TENSION'S MY DOG.

SO--

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I KICKED HIM OFF MY LEG AND

I THOUGHT THAT IS A HORRIBLE WAY

TO GREET THE DAY, ISN'T IT?

BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY YOUR

DOG.

COMEDY'S ALWAYS BEEN IN MY

BLOOD.

THE HEPATITIS IS BRAND-NEW,

BUT THE COMEDY'S ALWAYS BEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT GOES WAY BACK FOR ME,

IT REALLY DOES.

LIKE WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD

THE MORNING OF MY BIRTHDAY

MY PARENTS TRIED TO SURPRISE ME

WITH A CAR.

BUT THEY MISSED.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

TAKE YOUR TIME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M THE YOUNGEST IN MY FAMILY,

I WAS ALWAYS GETTING BEATEN UP

BY THE TWO OLDEST, MOM AND DAD.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT SMACKED AROUND A LOT

WHEN I WAS A KID.

I USED TO GET BEATEN UP BY THESE

GREEN BERET'S THAT LIVED IN OUR

NEIGHBORHOOD.

SOME PEOPLE CALL 'EM

GIRL SCOUTS, WHATEVER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

EVERY SATURDAY MORNING IN

MY NEIGHBORHOOD WE'D HAVE THIS

HUGE WATER BALLOON FIGHT.

AND EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT I'D PUT

MINE IN THE FREEZER SO I'D WIN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D GET A LITTLE MOIST BUT

THE OTHER KIDS WOULD BE BLEEDING

FROM THE EARS AND THAT'S

A VICTORY IN MY BOOK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THAT ALL

THE MOTHERS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE TURNS

SPANKING ME, IT WAS FRIGGEN

AWESOME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN HIGH SCHOOL I GOT CAUGHT

SHOPLIFTING ONCE FROM A CAR

DEALERSHIP, IT WAS A BUICK.

AND MY FATHER SAID TO ME THROUGH

THE BARS OF THE JAIL CELL,

BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE NEXT CELL.

[LAUGHTER]

HE SAID, "YOU'RE NO SON OF

MINE."

WHICH HURT ME AND IT CONFUSED

MY MOTHER.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DAMN IT, HOW DID

HE KNOW?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE NOT A NORMAL FAMILY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GUESS THAT'S ABUNDANTLY CLEAR

AT THIS POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER WAS ALWAYS THE BEST

MEDICINE IN MY FAMILY 'CAUSE WE

COULDN'T AFFORD HEALTH INSURANCE

SO--

[LAUGHTER]

IF SOMEONE GOT A DEEP CUT OR A

BROKEN BONE WE WOULD JUST LAUGH

AND LAUGH AND LAUGH...

UNTIL THEY PASSED OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOU EVER NEEDED X-RAYS

MY FATHER WOULD DRAG US TO THE

AIRPORT AND LAY US UNDER THAT

STUPID CONVEYOR BELT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE A WEIRD FAM--

MY GRANDMOTHER SPENDS ALL OF

HER TIME OUT IN THE GARDEN

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE WE BURIED

HER.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT HAPPENED THERE WAS SHE

FELL DOWN IN OUR DRIVEWAY,

AND SHE WENT TO PRESS THE BUTTON

ON HER LIFECALL EMERGENCY

PENDANT AND THE GARAGE DOOR CAME

DOWN AND IT--

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T EVEN LAUGH AT THAT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE WORST PART NOW IS EVERY TIME

I GO TO OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR

A FRIGGEN AMBULANCE SHOWS UP

IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.

THAT WAS SAD.

IN HER WILL MY GRANDMOTHER

STIPULATED THAT SHE WANTED TO BE

BURIED WITH ALL OF HER FAVORITE

POSSESSIONS.

AND HER CAT WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT

THAT DECISION I'LL SAY THAT

RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAD AN IRISH WAKE FOR HER,

WHICH MEANT EVERYBODY CRIED

AS SOON AS THE KEG RAN OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M MOSTLY IRISH, I'M IRISH

AND SCOTTISH, WHICH MEANS,

I LIKE TO GET REALLY DRUNK

AND WEAR A SKIRT.

BUT IT ALSO MEANS...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT I'VE NEVER HAD A TAN

IN MY LIFE.

I AM GENETICALLY INCAPABLE OF

ACHIEVING ANY KIND OF SKIN COLOR

WHATSOEVER.

I AM AN ULTRA CAUCASIAN.

I AM SUPER HONKEY.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS OF COURSE MEANS THAT I

CAN'T DANCE, I'M HUNG LIKE A

GRASSHOPPER, AND I GET BURNED

BY THE MOON ON CLOUDY NIGHTS.

SO THAT SUCKS.

[APPLAUSE]

WE DRINK.

I DRINK A LOT.

I USED TO BELONG TO AA BUT I HAD

I DRINK A LOT.

I USED TO BELONG TO AA BUT I HAD

TO QUIT THAT.

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW

THIS BUT THEIR DRINKING POLICY

IS REALLY STRICT.

AND I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE THE

GROUP.

BECAUSE ONE OF THE GUYS IN OUR

GROUP HAD BEEN SOBER FOR THREE

YEARS, SO THEY THREW HIM A PARTY

AND I BROUGHT A KEG.

IT WAS A PARTY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GET IN TROUBLE WHEN I DRINK.

I GOT CUT OFF ON A PLANE.

YOU EVER BEEN SHUT OFF OF BOOZE

ON AN AIRPLANE?

THE STEWARDESS OR FLIGHT

ATTENDANT, OR SKY BITCH,

WHATEVER THEY ARE THIS MONTH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE COMES OVER TO ME AND SHE

SAYS, "SIR, YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH

TO DRINK.

YOU'RE DISRUPTING THE OTHER

PASSENGERS."

AND, ALRIGHT, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T

HAVE CRAMMED THE SCREAMING

INFANT INTO THE OVERHEAD

COMPARTMENT, THAT WAS WRONG.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYA-COPA.

BUT I'M LIKE, "LADY, I HAVE A

DESIGNATED DRIVER.

HIS NAME IS CAPTAIN, DOES THAT

RING A BELL?"

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE WHEN I FLY,

THE RICH PEOPLE IN FIRST CLASS.

DO YOU HATE THEM?

'CAUSE THEY GET TO BOARD THE

PLANE BEFORE THE REST OF US,

RIGHT?

AND THEN WE-- WE HAVE TO DO OUR

LITTLE POVERTY PARADE PAST THEM.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHILE THEY'RE IN THEIR LAZYBOY

RECLINERS AND I'M SHUFFLING

MY POOR ASS BACK TO MY ANOREXIC

BUCKET SEAT AND MY PEANUTS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I FLY A LOT.

I WAS ON A PLANE THREE WEEKS

AGO, AND I WAS DRESSED TO KILL.

I HAD A TURBAN, A BEARD,

EXPLODING SANDALS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Tom Cotter: I WAS RECENTLY

ON A PLANE.

I'M FLYING DOWN TO THE

OLD COUNTRY, FLORIDA.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE FLORIDA.

IT'S MY FAVORITE STATE 'CAUSE

IT'S SHAPED LIKE A PENIS PEEING

ON THE CARIBBEAN.

AND...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS DOWN THERE, NOT ON A

PENIS.

I WAS IN FLORIDA.

AND I, AH...

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE A QUESTION, HOW COME

OLD PEOPLE CAN'T JUST WEAR

SUNGLASSES LIKE THE REST OF US?

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO WEAR THOSE

HUGE VIRTUAL REALITY GOGGLES?

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE?

[LAUGHTER]

AS IF NANA'S GONNA GO DO SOME

WELDING, PLEASE.

YES, GRANDPA, YOU'RE THE

TERMINATOR.

RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS HAVING FUN IN FLORIDA.

I WAS RIDING A HORSE IN FLORIDA

AND IT'S LEG WAS BROKEN.

SO I HAD TO SHOOT IT.

AND EVERYBODY IN THE CAROUSAL

FREAKED OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY THREW ME OUT OF THE

THEME PARK.

AND THAT WAS HUMILIATING.

I WENT PARASAILING, HAVE YOU

EVER BEEN PARASAILING?

THAT'S A LOT OF FUN, RIGHT.

A SPEEDBOAT TAKES OFF AND ALL

THE SUDDEN THE PARACHUTE FILLS

UP WITH AIR.

AND WITHIN SECONDS YOU'RE

SOARING UP IN THE SKY.

I FELT LIKE A BIRD, I FELT LIKE

I COULD FLY.

SO I TOOK A DUMP RIGHT ON THE

BOAT, ANYBODY?

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ME.

OKAY, GOOD.

I WAS GOLFING DOWN THERE AT A

REALLY NICE CLUB.

AND I WAS HAVING A GOOD ROUND

ABOUT THE FOURTH HOLE I GET

BITTEN BY A WASP BECAUSE THEY

DON'T ALLOW CATHOLICS TO PLAY ON

SOME OF THESE COURSES.

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I HATE WATCHING IT.

I DON'T WATCH MUCH SPORTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T STAND,

THE EXTREME GAMES.

YOU EVER WATCH EXTREME SPORTS?

WHAT MAKES A SPORT EXTREME?

WHY IS SKATEBOARDING DOWN STAIRS

EXTREME BUT FOOTBALL ISN'T?

IF YOU'RE GONNA CALL IT EXTREME

I SAY MAKE IT EXTREME.

I WANT TO SEE DWARF BASKETBALL,

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

ANOREXIC POWER LIFTING,

WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO SEE THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

SHOW ME A TRIATHLON FOR CHRONIC

SMOKERS, WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN?

[APPLAUSE]

CHESS FOR COCAINE ADDICTS,

WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO SEE THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

LARGE BREASTED WOMAN'S HURDLES,

COME ON.

THAT'S A PAY-PER-VIEW,

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST WANT TO SEE OLD PEOPLE

AUTO RACING AND FENCING FOR

HEMOPHILIACS.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE FUN.

THAT'S EXTREME.

[APPLAUSE]

I HAVE ROAD RAGE.

YOU EVER HAVE ROAD RAGE?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'M ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

TWO WEEKS AGO, I'M IN THE

HIGH-SPEED LANE DOING LIKE

75 MILES AN HOUR.

THIS GUY COMES UP BEHIND ME LIKE

I'M NOT EVEN MOVING.

LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL, RIGHT?

AND HE STARTS TAILGATING ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S LIKE A MOLECULE OFF YOUR

BACK BUMPER.

AND THIS GOES ON FOR MILES.

AND THEN AFTER A COUPLE MILES

HE STARTS FLASHING HIS LIGHT,

RIGHT, TRYING TO BARBECUE THE

RETINA, RIGHT OUT OF MY EYEBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I PULL IN ANOTHER LANE,

AS HE GOES BY HE GIVES ME A

LOOK, AND I GIVE HIM THE FINGER.

AND NOW WE'RE AT DEF-COM ONE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

I AM GONNA TORTURE THIS GUY.

SO I'M BEHIND HIM AND I'M

SPEEDING UP AND I'M BACKING OFF

AND I'M TRYING TO FLASH MY

LIGHTS AND EVERYTHING.

WE BOTH PULL OVER TO THE

BREAKDOWN LANE.

I GET OUT OF MY CAR, I WALK OVER

AND I PULL HIM OUT OF THE

AMBULANCE.

AND I'M SMACKING HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY COURT APPOINTED PSYCHIATRIST

TOLD ME THAT I HAVE TO LEARN HOW

TO LOVE MYSELF.

AND I'M LIKE, "DOC, I'M UP TO

THREE TIMES A DAY AS IT IS,"

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA GO BLIND, I SWEAR TO

GOD.

I'M A CHANGE STROKER, I REALLY

AM.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY

WHEN HE CALLED ME A WHACK JOB,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LONELY.

YOU KNOW YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN

WAY TOO LONG WHEN LITTLE THINGS

START TO AROUSE YOU LIKE

STICKING YOUR KEY IN THE

IGNITION, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT SHOULDN'T FEEL GOOD.

THE OTHER DAY I WAS SHARPENING

A PENCIL AND I SWEAR TO GOD

I SAID, "TAKE IT ALL YOU WHORE."

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WRONG.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I JUST FOUND OUT MY

EX-GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A KIDNEY

TRANSPLANT, AND I'M NOT REALLY

WORRIED BECAUSE HER BODY HASN'T

REJECTED AN ORGAN IN 25 YEARS.

NO.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

ACTUALLY IN ALL FAIRNESS TO HER

SHE COULD PROBABLY COUNT EVERY

GUY SHE'S EVER SLEPT WITH ON ONE

HAND IF SHE WAS HOLDING A

FRIGGEN CALCULATOR, BUT I'M NOT

BITTER.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS PAST WINTER I WAS FORTUNATE

ENOUGH TO SEE HER GET HIT BY A

SNOWPLOW.

THAT WAS KIND OF WEIRD FOR ME

'CAUSE I HAD NEVER DRIVEN

A SNOWPLOW BEFORE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY LATEST LOVE INTEREST IS SUCH

A DOLL, AND I MEAN THAT 'CAUSE I

BLOW HER UP.

SHE REALLY TAKES MY BREATH AWAY.

I MEAN THAT...

BECAUSE OF THE ASTHMA AND...

THE OTHER NIGHT WE WERE ROLLING

AROUND TOGETHER AND I DON'T WANT

TO BRAG BUT I POPPED HER.

HA-HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY DON'T CALL ME NEEDLE WEENIE

FOR NOTHING.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

HAPPY ENDING, SHE'S ON THE

PATCH.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOMETIMES I FILL HER UP WITH

HELIUM SO SHE PLAYS HARD TO GET.

[LAUGHTER]

Tom Cotter: I GOT TO GET

TO CHURCH, I REALLY DO, DON'T I?

OOH, I NEED HELP.

I'M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.

MY DAD'S CATHOLIC, MY MOM'S

RASTAFARIAN.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

THAT WAS WEIRD GROWING UP.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE DAD WOULD BRING

HOME THE CHRISTMAS TREE AND MOM

WOULD SMOKE IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS WEIRD GROWING UP AS A

CHRISTIFARIAN, IT REALLY WAS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.

I BELIEVE IN ABORTION.

I BELIEVE IN LATE TERM ABORTION,

LIKE ALL THE WAY UP TO FIFTH

GRADE, BECAUSE SOME KIDS SUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

KIDS RUIN EVERYTHING NOW.

DON'T THEY?

HAVE YOU TRIED TO LIGHT A

CIGARETTE LIGHTER IN THE LAST

TEN YEARS?

YOU CAN'T 'CAUSE NOW IT'S GOT

THAT RUBIX CUBE CHILD SAFETY

DEVICE ON IT.

SO YOU END UP GETTING A BLISTER

AND AN ANEURYSM.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

AND THEN YOU CAN'T GET THE

ASPIRIN OUT OF THE BOTTLE

BECAUSE THAT'S FRIGGEN

CHILDPROOF, TOO.

BACKSEAT WINDOWS OF CARS FOR THE

LAST SEVERAL YEARS ONLY GO DOWN

HALFWAY.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS?

DO YOU KNOW WHY WE'RE SWEATING

TO DEATH IN THE BACKSEAT?

THAT'S SO YOUR KID WON'T FALL

OUT THE WINDOW AND DIE.

WHEN WE WERE KIDS THE WINDOWS

WENT DOWN ALL THE WAY.

AND IF YOU FELL OUT THE WINDOW

YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK,

GOODBYE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WE SCREW CHILDREN UP, DON'T WE?

WHAT ARE WE TEACHING KIDS?

WE SEND THE WORST IMAGES RIGHT

INTO THEIR BRAINS.

YOU KNOW?

WE REINFORCE THE WORST THINGS.

LIKE THE GAMES, RED ROVER.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE GAME

RED ROVER NAMED AFTER THE

PATRON SAINT WITH THE DISLOCATED

SHOULDER?

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS GUY?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT WAS THE MESSAGE THERE?

WHAT DID WE LEARN?

IF YOU SEE TWO PEOPLE

HOLDING HANDS RUN AS FAST AS YOU

CAN INTO THEM AND SNAP AN ELBOW.

THAT'S WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THAT

GAME.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MUSICAL CHAIRS, WHAT DID THAT

TEACH US?

HOW NOT TO SHARE, THAT'S WHAT IT

TAUGHT US.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW IT'S OKAY TO HIP CHECK

SOMEONE ELSE'S FAT ASS OUT OF

THE WAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AS LONG AS YOUR FANNY WAS

IN THAT SEAT WHEN THE MUSIC

STOPPED, RIGHT?

HIDE AND SEEK, WHAT DIDN'T THAT

TEACH US?

STALKING TECHNIQUES.

THAT'S WHAT IT TAUGHT US.

[LAUGHTER]

DODGE BALL TAUGHT US THE

DRIVE-BY.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL SCREWED UP.

WHAT ARE WE TEACHING KIDS?

"BEAUTY AND THE BEAST."

REMEMBER THE STORY?

THE GIRL FALLS IN LOVE WITH

A YAK OR A WATER BUFFALO,

WHATEVER THE HELL IT WAS.

IT WAS WRONG ON MANY LEVELS.

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

"SLEEPING BEAUTY."

REMEMBER THIS ONE?

THE GIRL PASSES OUT AND THE GUY

STARTS KISSING HER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

GEORGEY PORGY PUDDING AND PIE,

KISSED THE GIRLS AND MADE THEM

CRY.

SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL

HARASSMENT, BATTERY.

[LAUGHTER]

RUB-A-DUB-DUB THREE MEN

IN A TUB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A GOOD IMAGE FOR THE

KIDS.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE A PICTURE

OF THEM LATHERING EACH OTHER UP,

WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

FOR THE BETTER PART OF 50 YEARS

DONALD DUCK HAS BEEN WALKING

AROUND IN FRONT OF HIS NEPHEWS

HUGHIE, DEWEY AND LOUIE WITH

A SHIRT ON, NO PANTS.

EXPLAIN THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN HE LIVED

IN A SHOE.

SHE HAD SO MANY CHILDREN

SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

STOP SCREWING, HOW'S THAT

FOR A START.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU LIVE IN A SHOE YOU HOSE-BAG.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS,

REMEMBER THIS?

ONE HOT CHICK AND SEVEN,

MIDDLE AGED MIDGETS.

THAT'S A PORNO FILM, ISN'T IT?

AM I WRONG?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY DAY THEY'D GO OFF TO WORK

AND CALL HER A PROSTITUTE.

REMEMBER THAT?

HIGH, HO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Tom Cotter: I DO THESE COLLEGES

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

AND COLLEGE KIDS HAVE LOST THEIR

MINDS, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS.

I WENT TO COLUMBIA AND I WORKED

FOR A DRUG CARTEL.

THEN I WENT TO COLLEGE.

[LAUGHTER]

COLLEGE FOR ME WAS THE BEST

28 SEMESTERS OF MY LIFE.

IT REALLY WAS.

I WAS A POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR.

I HAD A MINOR.

HER NAME WAS DEBBIE, NICE KID.

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD A 3.0.

THAT WAS MY BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL.

I NEVER MADE DEAN'S LIST BUT

I WAS ON CAMPUS SECURITY'S

TEN MOST WANTED EVERY SINGLE

SEMESTER.

BUT COLLEGE KIDS ARE DIFFERENT

NOW, AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH

THIS.

THIS KID CAME UP TO ME AFTER

A SHOW AND HE SAID, "HEY, MAN,

YOU WERE THE [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE,

YOU LITTLE PUKE.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL

ABOUT?

BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S SOME KIND

OF COMPLIMENT NOW WITH THE KIDS.

AND "FAT".

WHEN I WAS A KID, FAT WAS NO

GOOD.

NOW P-H-A-T IF YOU SPELL IT THAT

WAY THAT MEANS "COOL".

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

AND "THE 'BOMB'", REMEMBER WHEN

BOMBS WERE EVIL AND THEY MAIMED

AND KILLED.

NOW "THE 'BOMB'" MEANS

REALLY COOL.

SO NOW IF YOU'RE A

PHAT [BLEEP] BOMB YOU'RE FRIGGEN

AMAZING TO THESE KIDS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY SPEAK A COMPLETELY

DIFFERENT LANGUAGE.

THIS OTHER KID CAME UP TO ME AND

HE SAID, "HEY, MAN, YO, YO,

I'M FEELING YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA GET

TO FIRST BASE HOW'S THAT,

WHISTLE NUTS?

AND I'M NOT A YO-YO.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS OTHER KID CAME UP TO ME

AND SAID, "YOU MY DOG."

REALLY?

WHY DON'T I MOUNT YOUR LEG

AND POOP ON THE RUG.

CAN I DO THAT?

WOOF.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS OTHER KID CAME UP TO ME

AND HE SAID, "YO, YOU WAS MAD

FUNNY UP IN HERE.

I AIN'T FRONTIN', KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST

SAID, NO."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE CAN I BUY A VOWEL

OR PHONE A FRIEND, YOU LOST ME

AT "YO".

HEY, THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING AT

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