CC Presents: Jackie Kashian

  • Season 7, Ep 4
  • 02/27/2003

YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT!

OH, MY GOD!

I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

IT'S VERY EXCITING, YES.

UM--

HMM, THERE'S SOME STARING.

PERHAPS YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW

THAT THESE CLOTHES--

A LITTLE TOO TIGHT.

HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENED.

UM, I HAVE RECENTLY LOST SOME

WEIGHT.

I WANT TO WHORE IT UP TOO SOON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,

AND I MOVED FROM MINNESOTA TO

LOS ANGELES.

AND IT WAS VERY SCARY TO MOVE

TO LOS ANGELES 'CAUSE I THOUGHT

THAT EVERYONE WOULD BE MEAN.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THERE MIGHT

ACTUALLY BE SOME SHOUTING

ON THE STREETS, YOU KNOW.

"HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO SHOOT

"CHARMED", GET THE HELL OUT OF

THE WAY."

BUT NO, EVERYONE WAS VERY NICE,

VERY POLITE.

ONE BAD INCIDENT.

I WAS AT MY FIRST HOLLYWOOD

PARTY TRYING TO FIT IN, RIGHT,

TRYING NOT TO SWEAT.

AND THIS WOMAN, WHO I'VE JUST

MET, COMES UP TO ME AND SAYS,

"HEY, JACKIE, THERE'S CAKE."

(LAUGHTER)

OF COURSE, YOU'LL WANT A PIECE

OF CAKE.

WOW, NO, THANK YOU.

CAKE IS NOT MY DOWNFALL.

I AM NOT RETAINING EXCESS CAKE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GOT A PIECE OF CHICKEN BACK

THERE I'M ALL OVER IT--

'CAUSE I LOVE CHICKEN!

BUT THE TRULY BAD PEOPLE IN

L.A.--

AND THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

THEY'RE COMIN' TO YOUR TOWN,

TOO.

DON'T THINK THEY WON'T BE HERE.

THEY'RE THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO

RAIN ON YOUR PARADE, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I HAVE SEEN SOME FAMOUS

PEOPLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND YES, YOU CAN MOCK ME IF

I GO BANANAS OVER SEEING LIKE--

I DON'T KNOW, SCREECH, OKAY?

IF I SAW SCREECH AND I WON'T

SHUT UP ABOUT IT, YEAH,

MOCK AWAY.

BUT I SAW KEANU REEVES--

I SAW KEANU REEVES IN PERSON,

AND HE WAS ALL HANDSOME.

AND I WAS TELLING A FRIEND

OF MINE, WHO WAS--

A PARADE-RAINER, AND I DIDN'T

KNOW.

AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW,

I SAW KEANU REEVES AND HE WAS

VERY HANDSOME."

AND SHE SAID, "YEAH, HE'S CUTE,

BUT, YOU KNOW, HE'S GAY."

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GAY.

YOU WHAT I DO KNOW?

NEVER GONNA BE AN ISSUE.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE NOT GONNA DATE.

I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE TO SAY

ANYTHING TO THE CATERERS 'CAUSE

KEANU'S CANCELLED, YOU KNOW?

OH!

I DON'T EVEN THINK HE'S

THE BRIGHTEST BULB ON THE TREE,

QUITE HONESTLY.

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T KICK HIM OUT

OF BED IF HE WANTED TO DISCUSS

PHILOSOPHY, THOUGH I MIGHT SAY

"SHH!"

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU'RE SO PURTY.

JUST LIE THERE AND THINK

OF ENGLAND."

MINNESOTA.

THAT'S RIGHT, 1989 MAZDA 323

HATCHBACK WITH A BILLION MILES

ON IT, THAT'S RIGHT.

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WITH MY

HUNK OF JUNK CAR IS VALET PARK.

THAT'S RIGHT, I LOVE TO

VALET PARK THE HUNK-A-JUNK CAR.

'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE

MORE THAN SPENDING 10 MINUTES

AND $5 EXPLAINING HOW TO DRIVE

MY CAR TO THE MAN WHO IS TRYING

TO WORK FOR A LIVING.

IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE, "YEAH,

YOU HAVE TO START IT IN NEUTRAL,

I'M SORRY.

THE EMERGENCY BRAKE DOESN'T--

DON'T LOCK IT!

DON'T LOCK IT!

THANK YOU.

NOW I HAVE TO CLIMB THROUGH

THE HATCH."

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY CAR--

PEOPLE WITH REALLY NICE CARS

WHEN THEY GO TO THE VALET ARE

MEAN.

AND THAT'S NOT OKAY, THAT'S

MEAN.

SO, I LIKE TO PLAY A LITTLE GAME

WITH THE VALET GUYS.

I LIKE TO PULL UP QUICK BEFORE

THEY SEE THE CAR, JUMP OUT,

HAND 'EM THE KEYS AND SAY VERY

STERNLY, "AND, HEY, BE CAREFUL."

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN THEY SEE MY CAR

AND WE SHARE A LAUGH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

AND THEN I LIKE TO SAY "AND I'VE

WRITTEN DOWN THE MILEAGE."

SO, IF IT'S MUCH ABOVE 197-FIVE,

"YOU'RE JOY-RIDIN'!"

SOMEBODY STOLE THE TAPE DECK

OUT OF MY HUNK-A-JUNK CAR.

SOMEBODY BROKE THE PASSENGER

SIDE WINDOW AND STOLE THE

TAPE DECK OUT OF MY VEHICLE.

HERE'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO SAY

TO THE CRIPS AND/OR BLOODS,

WHO DARED TO DREAM.

THEY BROKE THE PASSENGER SIDE

WINDOW TO STEAL MY $100 BEST-BUY

TAPE DECK.

WHO LOCKS AN '89 MAZDA?

CHECK THE DOOR, DUMB-ASS!

TAKE WHAT YOU'D LIKE!

OH, MY GOD!

(APPLAUSE)

Jackie Kashian: I LOVE DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY.

STAND-UP COMEDY'S MY FAVORITE

THING TO DO.

AND I GO ALL OVER THE COUNTRY

AND I DO STAND-UP COMEDY.

AND I LOVE WHEREVER I GO BECAUSE

I AM A PEOPLE PERSON.

BUT NOW, I HAVE BEEN TO A

BAD PLACE, A PLACE I WILL NOT BE

RETURNING TO.

AND THAT PLACE HAS A NAME

AND IT'S NORTH PLATTE, NEBRASKA.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO

NORTH PLATTE, NEBRASKA?

IT SUCKS.

IT IS THE WORST PLACE ON THE

PLANET.

I HATE THEM.

I HATE THEIR CHILDREN.

I WON'T EAT THEIR CATTLE.

THEY'RE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE

PEOPLE.

WHEN MY CAREER WAS SOARING,

I TOURED NEBRASKA.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'VE BEEN

ALL OVER NEBRASKA, CARNIE,

COLUMBUS, OMAHA, LINCOLN.

AND THE REST OF NEBRASKA

IS FINE.

THEY HAVE THE OPPOSABLE THUMB.

THEY GET CABLE.

IT'S ALL WORKIN' OUT FOR 'EM.

IN NORTH PLATTE, NEBRASKA,

IT'S A BUNCH OF MORONS, OKAY?

AND I HAVE A THEORY THAT

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS HIDING IN

NORTH PLATTE, NEBRASKA, AND THAT

WE SHOULD BOMB IT JUST IN CASE.

(LAUGHTER)

IF I AM WRONG, WHAT HAVE WE

LOST?

THE OTHER GREAT THING ABOUT

GOING AROUND THE COUNTRY IS THAT

I GET TO VISIT MY PARENTS FOR

FREE.

I RECOMMEND YOU WORK THAT INTO

YOUR LIVES SOMEHOW.

I LOVE MY PARENTS.

THEY ARE VERY, VERY FUNNY

PEOPLE.

I COME BY THIS VERY HONESTLY.

THEY ARE NOT NICE PEOPLE.

THEY ARE FUNNY.

THEY MAKE UP FOR IT WITH

THE FUNNY.

AND GRANTED, I WAS A MOUTHY

CHILD.

I WILL GIVE THEM THAT.

MY MOTHER, WHEN SHE'D HAVE

ENOUGH OF IT, SHE'D SAY,

"COME HERE, SIT ON MY LAP.

LET'S LOOK UP ORPHANAGES."

(LAUGHTER)

SURE.

FUNNY NOW.

AND MY FATHER'S A SALESMAN.

HE SOLD EVERYTHING, TOUPEES,

MAUSOLEUM CRYPTS, BUT MOSTLY

ALUMINUM SIDING.

YES, MY FATHER SELLS ALUMINUM

SIDING.

AND THE TRIUMPH OF MY FATHER'S

ALUMINUM-SIDING CAREER IS THAT

THERE IS A BRICK HOUSE IN

SOUTH MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN

THAT HAS ALUMINUM SIDING ON IT.

HOUSE MADE OUT OF BRICK.

HOW DID HE MAKE THAT SALE?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK HIM,

HE'LL TELL YOU.

"YOU SHOULD A HEARD THE PITCH.

I JUST KEPT TELLIN' THIS GUY--

LOW MAINTENANCE,

LOW MAINTENANCE, LOW MAINT--

BRICK WILL CHIP!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "DAD, WAS THAT

FAIR?"

AND WITHOUT MISSIN' A BEAT,

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT AM I, SANTA?

AM I GANDHI?

AM I SOME KIND OF SOCIAL WORKER?

I GOT OVERHEAD," 'CAUSE THAT'S

WHAT HE USED TO CALL US KIDS.

(LAUGHTER)

HE LOVED--

IT WOULD DRIVE HIM NUTS WHEN

WE SOLD STUFF FOR SCHOOL,

BECAUSE WE WEREN'T MAKING ANY

MONEY.

BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO INTERFERE.

WE NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO SELL.

IT WOULD DRIVE HIM UP A TREE

AND HE WOULD NEVER HELP US.

HE WOULD NEVER HELP US SELL

ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME PARENTS WILL

DRAG CANDY BARS TO WORK AND PUSH

'EM ON YOU?

HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY, "IT'S YOUR

SALE.

YOU CLOSE THE DEAL."

I'M SEVEN.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS SEVEN, AND I WAS WORKIN'

THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR MY FIRST

GIG.

I'M OUT SELLING CANDY BARS

FOR LITTLE LEAGUE, RIGHT?

AND I'M WORKING THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND LIFE IS GOOD.

I GET HOME, AND HE'S SITTING

ON THE COUCH, JUST TWEAKIN'.

HE'S LIKE, "HOW DID IT GO?

HOW DID IT GO?

HOW MANY CANDY BARS DID YOU

SELL?

WAS EVERYBODY HOME, DID YOU

WRITE DOWN THE NOT-HOMES?

'CAUSE YOU CAN GO TO THE

NOT-HOMES TOMORROW."

NO.

I'M SEVEN.

"I WENT TO ALL THE HOUSES IN

THE NEIGHBORHOOD, DAD, EXCEPT

FOR THE HOUSES THAT SAID,

'NO SOLICITING.'

'CAUSE THE COACH SAID YOU'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO GO THERE, 'CAUSE

THOSE PEOPLE DON'T WANT YOU."

HE FREAKED.

"YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE NO--

TOMORROW, YOU GO TO THE

NO SOLIC--

DO YOU KNOW WHY THOSE PEOPLE GOT

THOSE SIGNS UP?

THEY'LL BUY ANYTHING!

(LAUGHTER)

THEY DIDN'T EVEN WANT THOSE

SIGNS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS 10 YEARS OLD AND MY SISTER

AND I ARE HAVING A CONTEST

TO SEE WHO COULD SELL THE MOST

CANDLES FOR CHURCH.

YOU KNOW THE TALL, CRYSTALLIZED

CANDLES WITH THE PICTURES OF

JESUS AND SANTA SHAKIN' HANDS?

OKAY.

SO, THERE'S CANDLE BOXES STACKED

ALL AROUND THE HOUSE AND MY DAD

HAS HAD IT.

HE'S LIKE "ARE YOU TWO MAKIN'

ANY MONEY ON THIS?"

AND WE'RE LIKE, "NO, WE'RE

SELLING 'EM FOR CHURCH, DAD."

AND HE SAYS, "YEAH, AND NOW,

YOU'RE GONNA LEARN SOMETHING.

TIME FOR THE KASHIAN GAME SHOW,

'MORAL COMPROMISE'."

HE SAYS, "OKAY, HOW MUCH YOU

SELLING 'EM FOR?"

WE SAY, "3.50 EACH."

HE SAYS, "NOW, YOU TWO ARE GONNA

SELL 'EM FOR 5."

AND THAT'S HOW WE LEARNED HOW TO

SKIM OFF THE TOP.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S GOT ALL KINDS OF ADVICE,

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT ALL KINDS

OF ADVICE ABOUT SHOW BIZ AND

HE SAYS, "IT'S JUST LIKE SALES.

YOU GOT TO MAKE YOUR

OPPORTUNITIES, YOU GOT TO TAKE

YOUR OPPORTUNITIES.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT JESUS SAID.

YOU GIVE A MAN A FISH, THAT MAN

KNOWS WHERE TO COME FOR FISH.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH,

AND YOU'VE JUST DESTROYED YOUR

MARKET BASE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

Jackie Kashian: AND SO I WAS

TRYING TO THINK IF THERE WERE

PEOPLE THAT WOULDN'T HANG OUT

WITH ME, OR I WOULDN'T HANG OUT

WITH THEM.

AND YOU KNOW YOU GOT TO CUT SOME

PEOPLE OFF.

SOME PEOPLE, THERE'S A POINT.

THERE'S A GUY I WENT TO COLLEGE

WITH WHO LEGALLY CHANGED HIS

NAME TO HIS DUNGEONS AND DRAGON

DUDE MASTER NAME.

YEAH, YOU GOT TO CUT THAT GUY

OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE WITH CHAD--

AND I LIKE TO CALL HIM CHAD--

HE WENT DOWN TO THE COUNTY

COURTHOUSE AND LEGALLY CHANGED

HIS NAME TO "QUEST AKITA".

"QUEST AKITA."

AND WHAT CHAD DOESN'T REALIZE

IS THAT IF YOU GO DOWN TO THE

COUNTY COURTHOUSE AND CHANGE

YOUR NAME TO "QUEST AKITA",

YOU DON'T GET TO KEEP YOUR

PLUS 7 ARMOR.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT--

I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO

I WOULDN'T HANG OUT WITH, OR WHO

WOULDN'T HANG OUT WITH ME.

AND LIKE--

'CAUSE I LIKE VIDEO GAMES.

I AM NOT THE DEMOGRAPHIC

OF THE VIDEO GAME LOVER,

BUT I LOVE THE VIDEO GAME.

I AM NOT A 6-YEAR-OLD BOY

WHO COLLECTS ACTION FIGURES.

NOR AM I A 26-YEAR-OLD MAN

WHO COLLECTS ACTION FIGURES.

BUT I LOVE THE VIDEO GAMES.

AND THE NEWS HATES THE VIDEO

GAMES.

SO, I HATE THE NEWS.

THAT'S RIGHT, PISS OFF, NEWS.

I LIKE THE NEWS.

THE NEWS IS FULL OF CRAZIES,

WHO WANT ME TO BE SCARED ALL THE

TIME.

SO, THEY CAN JUST BITE IT.

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR

THE NEWS.

NO, THE NEWS--

"DO SKITTLES CAUSE VD?

FIND OUT AT 6:00."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE NEWS IS ALWAYS TRYING

TO SCARE YOU.

AND THE ADS TRY TO SCARE YOU.

DOH!

I JUST--

IT MAKES ME SO MAD WHEN--

WE'VE ALL SEEN THE AD FOR BURIAL

INSURANCE, RIGHT?

BURIAL INSURANCE.

WITH THE TWO OLD WOMEN SITTING

AT THE KITCHEN TABLE,

2:00 IN THE MORNING, TALKING

ABOUT THEIR OLD, DEAD FRIEND,

WHO'S LIKE THE, OBVIOUSLY,

THE WORST OLD, DEAD PERSON EVER

'CAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET BURIAL

INSURANCE.

AND NOW, HER GRANDKIDS ARE GONNA

HAVE TO EAT CAT FOOD, SO THAT

THEY CAN FIND THE MONEY TO BURY

HER.

NO!

THEY WILL BURY YOU.

OH, MY GOD, I WANT TO FIND THE

OLD PEOPLE AND SAY, "DON'T BUY--

WHAT?

THEY WILL.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

SOCIETY HATES A ROTTING CORPSE,

YOU BIG FREAK!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CAUSES THE PLAGUE!

YEAH!

AND THE NEWS HATES VIDEO GAMES.

AND THEY HATE THE VIDEO GAMES

AND THEY BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE

VIDEO GAMES.

AND IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE THAT

THERE ARE PLENTY OF VIDEO GAMES

THAT TINY CHILDREN SHOULD NOT

PLAY.

I AM A GROWN-UP LADY, AND I NEED

TO SHOOT (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK IT'S BEST IT OCCUR

FICTIONALLY.

SO, YEAH, AND IT'S TRUE ALSO

THAT THE MORE HORRIFYING THE

STORY LINE BEHIND A VIDEO GAME,

THE MORE FUN THE VIDEO GAME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S TRUE.

I DON'T MAKE THE RULES,

BUT THAT'S THE RULE WITH VIDEO

GAMES.

IF THERE WERE A VIDEO GAME WHERE

YOU STAB BABIES IN THEIR SLEEP,

IT WOULD BE HORRIBLE, BUT I'D BE

IN MY ROOM GOING--

AY-AY-AY-AY...

I WIN!

(APPLAUSE)

THE WORST PREMISE EVER OF ANY

VIDEO GAME EVER?

"FINAL FANTASY LEGEND" FOR GAME

BOY.

FIRST ONE--

OH, MY GOD, IT'S KIND OF

ROLE-PLAYING.

YOU GET TO PICK FOUR COMPANIONS.

YOU GO TO FIVE DIFFERENT WORLDS.

YOU MEET THE HEADS OF THOSE

WORLDS AND KILL 'EM.

AND THEN, YOU GET TO MEET GOD.

AND GOD IS A TINY AMISH MAN ON

THE GAME BOY SCREEN.

AND THEN, YOU KILL GOD.

AND THAT'S THE WORST PREMISE

EVER.

I KNOW THAT, I'M NOT MADE

OF STONE UP HERE.

BUT IT'S THE BEST--

IT WAS THE BEST--

IT TOOK ME EIGHT MONTHS TO BEAT

THAT GAME!

IT WAS THE BEST $65 I'VE EVER

SPENT IN MY LIFE!

I STOOD IN FRONT OF GOD

FOR A MONTH, SWITCHING GUYS,

SWITCHING WEAPONS.

I COULDN'T KILL HIM.

I GAVE UP.

I CALLED THE NINTENDO GAME

COUNSELORS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S REAL IT'S NOT FREE.

IT'S 2.99 A MINUTE TO TALK

TO ERIC.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S 12.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE MAKES FUN OF YOU.

Jackie Kashian: SEE I WILL

HANG OUT WITH ALMOST ANYONE,

I MEAN, THAT'S WHERE IT COMES

RIGHT DOWN TO.

I'M A GOOD SPORT ABOUT THE WHOLE

HANGIN' OUT.

I WILL HANG--

I DO DRAW THE LINE, AND IT'S

A VERY SERIOUS LINE IN THE SAND.

VERY FAR DOWN THE ROAD,

BUT DRAWN IT IS.

AND IT'S RIGHT BEFORE THE WAR

RE-ENACTMENT GUYS.

THAT MAKES ME THE NICEST PERSON

ON THE PLANET.

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW

HOW FAR INTO THE DORK FOREST

YOU GOT TO GO TO GET TO THE WAR

REENACTMENT GUYS.

PRETTY DEEP!

YOU HAVE TO GO LIKE BY

THE BEANIE BABY PEOPLE AND

THE STAR WARS GUYS, AND THE

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL FREAKS,

AND THE POKEMON KIDS.

YOU HAVE TO GO BY HARRY POTTER

HIMSELF TO GET TO THE WAR

REENACTMENT GUYS, WHO I WILL NOT

HANG OUT WITH ANY MORE.

HOW SAD IS THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS SAYIN'

STUFF LIKE, "EVERY WEEKEND,

I JUST EAT HARD TACK WITH

WEEVILS IN IT 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT

IT WAS REALLY LIKE DURING THE

REVOLUTIONARY WAR."

HUM--

I'LL BE OVER HERE.

"AND NO GIRLS ALLOWED.

YOU CAN'T PLAY."

"I DON'T WANT TO PLAY."

"STILL, NO GIRLS ALLOWED."

"STILL DO NOT WISH TO PLAY."

SWEAR TO GOD, THE GUY GOES,

"WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD PLAY.

MAYBE YOU COULD BE A PIONEER

PROSTITUTE.

THEY HAD THEM, THEY CALLED THEM

'CAMP FOLLOWERS'."

IT TURNS OUT THAT I DO NOT WISH

TO BE A PIONEER PROSTITUTE.

I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE A SIGN

IN THE FAKE LEWIS AND CLARK

WINDOW STOREFRONT WINDOW THAT

SAYS, "JACKIE KASHIAN PUTS OUT

FOR PELTS."

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE

THE MEN FOLK.

I DO.

I ENJOY THE MEN FOLK BUT--

AND I HAVE MANY BROTHERS,

BUT I HATE THE PRACTICAL JOKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE

PRACTICAL JOKE?

WHEN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN,

THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART.

AND--

BUT NOW, I--

COMICS THAT SET ME UP ON

PRACTICAL JOKES--

I HAVE A FRIEND OF MINE

WHO TOLD ME, FOR EXAMPLE,

THAT I COULD GET A MASSAGE DOWN

ON VENICE BEACH FOR CHEAP,

DOWN ON MUSCLE BEACH.

YOU CAN GET TOUCHED.

(LAUGHTER)

I WENT TO VENICE BEACH,

SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT.

THEY GOT TABLES, THEY GOT TENTS

SET UP.

AND I'M ON THE BEACH, RIGHT?

AND IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

I'VE GOT SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT.

I GO UP TO THE GUY THAT I'M TOLD

TO GO TO, OLD CHINESE DUDE,

MR. LEE, AND I LAY ON THE TABLE

AND HE STARTS WORKING ON MY

BACK.

AND IT'S GREAT.

IT'S GREAT!

YAY!

AND THEN HE STARTS WORKING

ON MY LEGS.

AND HE'S WORKING UP MY LEGS.

AND HE'S WORKING UP MY LEGS!

UNTIL I AM FORCED TO SAY TO

MR. LEE, "HEY, THAT'S WHERE

I KEEP MY VAGINA.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO MOVE TO

THE OTHER LEG, OR UP TO THE LEFT

AND FASTER."

(LAUGHTER)

ONE OF THE TWO BECAUSE I AM NOT

MADE OF STONE, AS I HAVE POINTED

OUT.

AND THEN HE MOVED TO THE OTHER

LEG, AND NO ONE WAS MORE

DISAPPOINTED THAN I.

(LAUGHTER)

ANOTHER 90 SECONDS, BEST TIP

OF THE DAY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LIVE

COMEDY YOU PEOPLE SEE,

AND THANK GOD, YOU'RE OUT,

SEEIN' ME DOIN'--

AND CAMERA, WHEREVER YOU ARE,

YEAH!

GO OUT AND SEE SOME LIVE COMEDY!

YEAH, AND TIP THE WAIT STAFF.

NOT A (BLEEP) HOBBY.

OKAY, SO, HERE'S THE THING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH COMEDY

YOU SEE IN THE REAL LIFE, BUT--

IT'S GREAT.

AND I'M PSYCHED THAT YOU ARE OUT

SEEING REAL COMEDY.

BUT IF YOU SEE A LOT OF COMEDY,

YOU KNOW THE COMIC SELLS STUFF

AFTER THEIR SHOWS.

AND--

CRAP, KIND OF.

THEY JUST--

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT CD'S

OR BOOKS THAT THEY'VE WRITTEN,

I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL JUST

CRAP, T-SHIRTS AND BALL CAPS,

AND BUMPER STICKERS AND ANYTHING

NOT REALLY NAILED DOWN 'CAUSE

THERE'S NO MONEY IN

STAND-UP COMEDY.

NO, DON'T LET THE CLOTHES THROW

YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

AND--

SO, YEAH, THERE REALLY ISN'T.

SO, COMICS WILL SELL ANYTHING.

AND I DON'T BEGRUDGE 'EM THAT.

BUT I CAN'T SELL ANY MORE CRAP

IN MY LIFE.

TOO MUCH SALES.

NO MORE SALES.

I CAN'T SELL ANY MORE STUFF.

SO, I WAS WORKING IN TULSA

AND THIS VERY, DRUNK WOMAN CAME

UP TO ME AFTER THE SHOW AND

SAID, "HEY, YOU SHOULD SELL

A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS, 'UP TO THE

LEFT AND FASTER' 'CAUSE THAT'S

FUNNY.

YOU SHOULD SELL THAT.'"

NO NOT ME.

NOT SO MUCH.

TWO REASONS I WILL NOT BE

SELLING THE "UP TO THE LEFT

AND FASTER" T-SHIRT.

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T WANT TO BE

THE VAGINA T-SHIRT LADY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SECOND OF ALL--

AND THIS IS FROM A STRICTLY

SALES POINT OF VIEW--

THAT WOULDN'T BE THE T-SHIRT.

"UP TO THE LEFT AND FASTER"

ISN'T FUNNY OUT OF CONTEXT.

THAT'S THE DUMBEST T-SHIRT EVER.

THE T-SHIRT WOULD HAVE TO SAY,

HORRIFYINGLY ENOUGH, "THAT'S

WHERE I KEEP MY VAGINA," WITH A

BIG ARROW GOIN' DOWN.

AND I'D SELL A MILLION OF 'EM.

AND FOR THE FELLAS, IT WOULD BE

"THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY VAGINA,"

WITH A BIG ARROW GOING TO THE

LEFT, LIKE I WAS STUPID.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'D SELL A BILLION--

(APPLAUSE)

OF THEM.

AND THEN I COULD COUNT ALL OF

MY MONEY IN HELL 'CAUSE THAT'S

WHERE YOU COUNT YOUR VAGINA

T-SHIRT MONEY.

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS.

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