Friedlander, Woodhull, Yashere, Kagan, Koll, Watkins, Ron G

  • Season 4, Ep 0408
  • 12/11/2009

Has anyone been to theMuseum of Sex?

(scattered clapping)Yeah?

That's it? You guysgot to go, man.

You haven't been, dude?

Dude, you got to go, man.

Come on, I hooked up withfour chicks there last week.

And that was just in thegift shop, browsing around.

You got to be careful.

Across the street, they have

a Museum of Abstinence.

And it's the exact same exhibits

except they don't let yougo inside.(laughter)

I tried looking throughtheir window,

and they just shut the blindsright in my face.

I'm like, what's upwith that, man?

You've got to check outthe Museum of Anal.

That's whereit's really happening.

They don't have an entrance.

You just got to sneak inthe back when no one's looking.(laughter)

Definitely check that out

while you guys are in town,okay?

Anyone on Facebook? Yeah?

(cheering)

I like Facebook for allthe status update features.

So you can findall the boring things

your friends are doingevery second of their life.

My friend Jeff wrote,"Jeff is waiting for the bus."

I'm like, good job, Jeff.

You're waiting for the bus,and you're blogging about it.

You're a loser twice.(laughter)

I write weird stuffjust to mess with people.

One time I wrote,"Judah is shaving his dog."

20 minutes later I wrote,"Judah is knitting a pillow

made out of dog hair."(laughter)

A couple hours later, I wrote,

"Judah is humping his pillow

while his dog is freezingand humiliated."(laughter)

I just like letting peopleknow what I do

on an up-to-the-minute basis.

That's what I do.

I just got back from a timetraveler's convention next week.(laughter)

That was pretty cool, but, uh...

It's good stuff.

Does anyone know how to say,

"I have no fingers,"in sign language?

I, uh... I'm teachinga class next week.

I want to figure that out.

No? Cool.

Last month I wasdating a woman I met

on Google Earth, and, uh...(laughter)

I totally recommend that.

Good way to meet chicks

and learn geographyat the same time.

It's cool, man.

Drinking up, dude?

Cool, man. How's it going?

I don't drink.

I'm a role modelfor children.(laughter)

What are you drinking,dude? Beer?

Yeah, I don't do that, man.Cool.

What's your name, man?

Dan? I'm gonna call you Steve.Cool.(laughter)

What do you do?I'm the world champion.

What do you do, Steve?

I'm a banker.

You're a banker?Cool. That's where the money is.

(laughter)

You know karate?

No? You're (bleep) dead, dude.

(laughter)

I'm an extra-dark black belt.

I studied karate onlineat DeVry for six weeks.(laughter)

Do not mess with me.Cool.

Got your cell phoneon the table? Cool, baby.

How many minutes a monthdo you get?(laughter)

How many minutesa month do you get?

1,500 minutes a month?Cool.

I get 1,700 minutes--every 60 seconds.(laughter)

Plus nights and weekendsdouble unlimited.

And I still go over.

I got that much (bleep)going on.

It's pretty cool.

No other martial artists heretonight besides me?

Just me?

Nobody? Seriously?

I could probably kickthis whole crowd's ass

with my left nut,

and that's the weakerof my seven nuts.

Anyone who knows me, knowsmy third nut to the right

is the power nut. Cool.(laughter)

Anyone getting laid tonight?Yeah?

(cheering)

A couple sluts in the corner.Cool. Awesome.

You guys work out? Yeah?

Do you guys hate yourselvesor something?

You don't care aboutyour bodies?(laughter)

I work out nine hoursa day, dude.

I shoulder press 650 pounds,

while running on the treadmillat level ten,

at the steepest incline.

And my treadmill hasa hurdle on it.

(laughter)

There's a hurdleright in the middle.

I got to run, leap over it,land, duck, slide under it.

And it's all underwater, too,the whole thing.

Got to hold my breathfor nine hours straight.

I weight-lift weightlifterswhile they're lifting weights.

(laughter)

Any military here tonight?Yeah?

Just me again? Cool.(laughter)

I'm a Navy SEAL.

That turning you on, baby?

I'm a Navy SEAL.

465 confirmed kills.

And that's not even countingmilitary action.

That's just (bleep) aroundin the parking lot

with bottle rocketsand nunchucks.

I'm a lethal weapon, man.

You guys want to seeme do a karate move?

You want to see one? Yeah?(cheering)

All right.

I just did it-- you missed it.(laughter)

I'm too fast, man.

And you have nokarate skills, dude,

and you're this close to me?

You must have a death wish,dude.

Where you from?

New Jersey.New Jersey?

Nice state.

Worst karate schoolsin the country, dude.(laughter)

Even if you knew karate,it wouldn't matter, man.

A black belt from Jerseyis like a light-pink belt

in any other state. Seriously.

I'm gonna mess you upafter the show.

And, uh...(laughter)

I said, "I don't thinkyou're gonna find

"what you're looking for, dude.

"Seriously, you're inthe wrong store, okay?

Just take a hike, lefty."Cool.

I just saw the vampiremovie, Twilight.

Anyone see that? Yeah?

That is the worst vampire movieI have ever seen.

Footloose is a bettervampire movie than Twilight.(laughter)

And it's not evena vampire movie.

My friends were like,"You see Twilight?"

"Not as good as Footloose, man."

It's not as scaryas Footloose.

My real passion is writinghorror books for children

ages one through three.(laughter)

You're never too youngto go through life scared.

I just wrote a bookabout a snowman

who comes to lifeand rapes little kids.(laughter)

And then the cops show up,but the snowman's melted

so there's no evidence.

And it just keeps happeningover and over and over forever.

It's called No, Frosty, Don't.(laughter)

I wrote another bookabout relationships

called In Her Butt and Out of Her Mind.

You guys should definitelycheck that out, too. Cool?

Anyone have an iPhone here?Yeah?

I just got a text message fromsomeone who owns an iPhone.

And I know thatbecause it told me

at the end of the text message.

It said, "Sent from my iPhone."

So I sent them a message back.

I said, "This was texted to you

from a pay phoneusing my middle finger."

(laughter)

"Now take your iPhone, stick itup your (bleep), take a photo

and e-mail it to yourself."

Because you can do thatwith an iPhone.

That's one of the many features,dude,

one of the many featureson the iPhone.

I just beat Michael Phelpsin swimming.

By a lot.

And I was wearing jeans.(laughter)

He was in his little underpants.

I was wearing a hat and glassesand I smoked the dude.

I swim with a boner, so it'slike an extra paddle down there.

If I put it in propeller mode,forget about it.

If I start farting,

it's like a nuclear jet engine'sbeen installed.

There's just no stopping me.

Nice guy-- overrated swimmer.(laughter)

The best thing abouttaking a dump

on a miniature golf courseis...(laughter)

watching the people behind youtry to play around it.(laughter)

They think it's all partof the game, so...

the Twilight series.She loves it.

Vampire-romance novels,if you don't know what it is.

I didn't get it at first,

so I asked her whyshe liked it so much.

And she goes, "What I like is

"that the main vampirecan read minds,

"but he can't read the mindof the girl

"that he falls in love with,

"which makes herseem so complicated.

"And, like, she's the only womanin the world

"that's right for him,

"and that is romanceat its finest.

And I love it for that.Ah! I love it!"

And I totally get it.It's romantic, right?

But I also get why the vampirewants to date the girl

whose mind he cannot read,you know?

'Cause I can barely standto listen to everything

she decidesto say out loud, man.

I shudder to imaginewhat it would be like

if I also had to hear everythingthat got caught in that filter

before it fell outof her pie hole.

Can you even imaginewhat that would be like?

Like, you're out to dinnerone night,

and she's, like, "Oh, my God,I'm gonna get manicotti.

"What are you gonna get?Why won't he write me letters?

I bought him stationery.Blah-blah-blah-blah."

Just a never-ending streamof crap falling out of her face

whether her mouth is openor closed.

And then on top of everything,on top of everything,

you're a vampire,so you can't even kill yourself.

You can't even kill yourself.

You just got to be, like,

"Waiter, can we get some moregarlic bread over here?

And I do. I dream about it,but I don't want to tell her

about it 'cause she's notin the dream, you know?

It's my dream, man.

In my dream, I'm gettingmarried to Princess Leia.

My best man's a dragon.What do you want? It's a dream.

At the reception, we all go swimming in a pool of guacamole.

I don't even knowwhy I'm sleeping.

There's a guy named Chip there.

We keep throwing him in.

(laughs)

Chip's in the guacamole again,man!

Whoo! I never want to wake up.

All my friends are gettingmarried, all of them.

I was in five weddingsin the last two years.

I was everything: I was best man

all the way to ninth guyin the row.

That's not a good spot, is it?

It's never, like,"You're my best friend.

I need you to be my ninth guyin the row."

It's more, like, "Listen, man,"my wife's got a lot more

friends than I do.

"You mind coming outon Saturday?

"Did you get your thank-you cardin the mail?

"It just says,'Thanks for making

our special day symmetrical."

Yes.

I hope I get married one day,but I hope

we got a similar amountof friends, you know?

I don't want to be one of thoseguys that are like my brother,

my best friend, the guy thatsold me the ring, his brother,

my wife's ex-boyfriend... Idon't know this many dudes.

I thought it would be sexy,but it's not, man.

They know too muchabout nursing.

I want to get into it,I want to role-play.

I want to be, like,"Yeah, you dirty little nurse!"

And, like, give her a spank.

She'd always be, like,"You really need

"to get some of these moleslooked at.

"This one's got hair comingout of it.

"This one looks like Indiana.That's definitely cancer."

I thought a nurse worea sexy outfit.

They don't. They wear scrubs.That's not hot at all.

It's like pajamas, man.

I was never, like, "Damn, girl,you look so comfortable.

"Uh, is that bloodon your shirt? Jesus!

You smell like urine.You're gross."

She made me this mix CDone time.

She gave it to me.She goes, "Baby, I made this CD

for us to listen towhile we're having sex."

I was, like, "Awesome."And then I found out

the CD wasa hour-and-a-half long.

(chuckles weakly)

"Do you want me

"to call up some of my friendsor something?

"We've been together two years.I don't think altogether

if you add up all of the times,it still wouldn't be that long."

If I made this CD,

it'd be a little bit differenttrack listings.

You know, the first couplesongs would be sexy,

it'd be, like, Marvin Gayeand then Barry White,

and then the rest of the CDwould have just been, like,

sounds from the rain forest.

Oh! This is perfect.

I need somethingto help me get to sleep

for the next hourand 27 minutes.

She was a terrible gift-giver.

For my birthday,she gave me stationery.

That sucks, doesn't it,as a present?

I tried to tell herthat I didn't like it.

She goes,"You don't understand.

"Andy, this stationery folds upinto its own envelopes.

So now when you're on the road,you can write me a letter."

Oh, my God, you think envelopesis the thing standing in my way

of writing you a letter?

I'm not writing you a lettercause it'd be stupid.

We talk on the phone every day.

I'm out of things to say to you,you know?

What would I even write?

Like, "Dear Lea, good talkingto you on the phone earlier.

"Sure is an inconvenient wayof communicating.

"Thank God you gotthis stationery that folds up

"into its own envelope.

By the way, say hi to me.I'm probably home by now."

We moved in together last year.

That's a big step in arelationship. I recommend that.

If you're done having funwith your friends,

and you just want to sit aroundand talk all the time

until you eventually ruinyour relationship.

Do it. It's a sad storywe broke up. It's sad.

She broke up with me.When she did it,

she goes, "One of the reasonsI want to break up, Andy,

is, I don't like that youwrite jokes about me."

Oh, my God, wait until you hearthe jokes I write

now that I no longer careabout your feelings.

We'll see, we'll see how nicethose are.

Good evening, sir.Good evening.

Yeah, I do really speaklike this, people.

I do really speak like this.

There are black peoplein England, did you know?

Did you know?!Hey, did you know?!

We are everywhere.

You cannot escape us.

You're looking at meall confused, like,

she's looking at me, like,

"Oh, my God, I thinkit's an aborigine."

No, it isn't, no.

But I'm here now.I'm here in America.

I'm loving it. I've beenout here a little while now,

nearly two years now.Enjoying myself.

I've learned a lotsince I've come to America.

I've learned a lot, learneda lot. What have I learned?

Uh, I'd never seen Hispanicpeople before I came to America.

Never seen Hispanic people.I'm from England.

We haven't got Hispanic people.

We haven't got, like, lots ofMexicans, Puerto Ricans,

Cubans. I supposeit's a much longer swim.

But the thing is...

(lingering laughter)

I get the feelingI shouldn't have said that.

Shouldn't have said that?

What's gonna happen?

Am I gonna get messed upby a cholo on the way home?

What's gonna happen?

I'd never seen Hispanic people,never.

Especially the darker-skinnedones, the darker ones.

They're the onesthat confuse me.

'Cause the first timeI ever came to America,

I was here in New Yorkon the subway,

and I was sittingopposite three people

I assumed were black!

And then they started speaking.

"¿Que paso?"

And I was, like, (gasps)

"Black people havetheir own language.

Take a picture, quick.Take a picture."

I've learned a lotsince moving to America.

What else have I learned?What else have I learned?

I've learned your healthsystem is crap.

Yep, I've learned that.I'm from England.

We have free socializedhealthcare in England.

I get sick,I go to the hospital.

I don't have to thinkabout nothing.

Yeah.(applause)

I made the mistake of gettingsick here in America last year.

And I was-- I didn't wantto go to the hospital.

I ended up going, and the doctorwas speaking to me

and all I'm hearing is, "Toilet,toilet, toilet, toilet,

toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet,toilet, toi..."

He's going, "Gina, we'regoing to have to put you

on a heart monitor."

I'm like, "Heart monitor?!

"Doctor, can I takethe heart monitor home?

"Can I-- can I do thismyself, Doctor?

I will call you if I die.Can we do that?"

I spent one night in hospital.

They tried to charge me $15,000

for one night in hospital.

And I shared a room with anold lady who farted all night.

That is not valuefor money, people.

15 grand for farty bitch?No.

I was like, this woman is likea human machine gun.

Take a picture, quick,take a picture.(laughter)

(applause)

What else have I--what else have I learned

since we've been to America?

Oh, yeah,I've learned in America,

when you guys get fat,

you get really freakin' fat.

(laughter)

Humongous.

Cartoon fat, cartoon.

I know why, though,I know why.

I watch a lot of television.

All your commercials are food.

Every other commercial is food.

Like, you've got this Subway$5 foot-long sandwich, right?

Yeah? $5...

This is why you guys are so fat.

This is the only countryin the world

that measures its food in feet.

(laughter)

Obesity is an epidemicin this country.

It is.

And it's now--it's now trickling down

to races of people

that aren't normally predisposedto it, right?

The other day-- you'renot going to believe this,

you're not goingto believe this--

the other day I sawa fat Chinese kid.

(laughter)

They do not exist

outside of America.

I was like... (gasps)

"Oh, my God, that isa fat Chinese kid.

"He is humongous.(laughter)

"I am going to die in America.

(laughter)

Take a picture, quick,take a picture."

I swear to God, if I seea fat crackhead,

I'm going back to England.

by buying one of thoseGPS navigation systems,

which sounds exactly like my extelling me where to go

and what to doand also not sleeping with me.

It's very creepy.

"In seven miles, make a left."

"You are sexually inadequate."

"Recalculating."

"In six miles, turn right, so Ican sleep with your friends."

They even have a button on it.

In case you get tired of thatvoice, you can hear,

like, an alternativelifestyle voice,

which I liketo dabble in occasionally.

"In seven miles...

"Listen, your buns feel super."

"Why don't we just finda rest area and do this thing?"

"Recalculating."

Now, here's the thing.I don't mind gay people.

Friction's friction. I don'tlike to judge people that way.

But is anybody else pissed off

that gay peoplestole the rainbow?

Am I the only one

wondering what the hellhappened to the rainbow?

Now when I look at a rainbow,I got to think of man on man

monkey butt-love?That doesn't seem fair.

There are a million thingsyou guys could have taken

to symbolize your movement.

What about the unicorn?It's not doing anything.

That is a majestic beast.

It's got a nice, long horn, too.

That's a one-stop (bleep) shop,last I checked.

Some people think

it's a bad idea to put gay dudesin the military.

Of course you put gay peoplein the military.

You cannot torture a gay dude.

Look what they do for fun.

It would drive the enemy crazy.

They would have no ideawhat to do.

"I'm going to take electrodes.

"I'm going to hook oneto your hee-hee

"and none to your hoo-hoo.

A gay guy would be like,

"Super. Let's schedule thatand redo it at brunch."

I know this is going tocreate an awkward pause,

but I wish I was black.

No, I know. But look at me.I got no flavor.

I'm not just a cracker.I'm a saltless cracker.

And it hurts.But I know it, you know?

I'm not one of these white dudes

that puts their haton backwards,

and they think they're black

when they just look like a whiteguy walking the wrong direction.

One thing we can all agree on?

Earth is the best planet.

Who would boo Earth?

It doesn't matterwhere you're from.

Earth rocks.

Have you seen our options?

Have you seen Mars? Listen.

I don't mean to be spacist,but Mars blows.

There is nothing up there.

Do you remember how excited NASAgot when they found ice on Mars?

I... Did you know we werespending a squillion dollars

looking for ice? I didn't know.I called them right away.

I said, "Listen,come over to my house.

"Open my freezer.You're gonna crap your pants.

"Yeah. What?What are you wearing?

This is awkward."

I don't know whywe're going to other planets.

I don't understandeverything here.

Like, how do birds migrate?

Or what the hell's nougat?

Does anybody know?

Somebody said it was a, like,mystery sugary spooge.

That's not an answer.

I think we should figure outnougat first, then bust a move.

I'm just...

I've given up recently on, uh...

I just decidedto date doughnuts.

I know it sounds weird, butit's a whole new thing for me.

It's really worked out for me.

A donut, to me, is everythingyou need in the world.

For a man... I mean, a dude...

Even you, dude.

You know, you havea rainbow on your shirt.

So your shirt's gay.

That shirt's gay,but you're not.

Right.Well, yeah, right.

(laughter)(coughs)

That's okay, dude.Now, come on.

You guys loved (bleep)

Here's my point.

(laughter)What?

Don't... That you...

That they applaud.

(smatter of applause)

No, but I like doughnuts.

It's perfect for a man.

It fits in your handand it's little, it's sweet.

They're quiet, they listen,and it's got a hole.

Here's my point.

No, it's just a manand his doughnut.

None of that crap.

"Where were you last night?"

It's just a manand his doughnut.

"What are you doing?Where were you?

Did you smoke p...?"

"Listen, sweetheart,

there's 11 more in that boxbehind me.

My name's Alex.

(laughter)

You may not recognize my name,but you might recognize

my hairdo and beardfrom the Old Testament.(laughter)

Anybody?

I think a lot of peoplehave a crazy look

they're going forin the big city.

I like to call mine,"face raped by the woods."

(laughter)

I also, uh, believe

that everybody has an alcoholin their life

that they just won'tmess with anymore.

'Cause one nightthey messed with it,

and it messed back way...too hard.

And mine is tequila.

Whoo!

No, not "whoo."(laughter)

Boo! Boo!

That is an ugly cup of dumband destructive behavior.

And then you drink itand metabolize it.

Tequila is the only alcohol

that has ever made me black out.

Just one glass, just one tinypint glass of tequila

made me black out.(laughter)

That's not good.

And I was telling this to afriend of mine the other night,

and he was like, "Alex, thatwon't happen if you drink

the good tequila."

If you drink expensive tequila,that's not going to happen.

And that's crap.

It will happen.

I think it's justgoing to happen

on a much classier,more expensive level

than it usually does.

Logically.

Like, instead of coming homeand punching a hole

in the kitchen wall, or almostdrowning in toilet water...(laughter)

I think it will look more like,

"Alex, do you remember anythingyou did last night?"

"No, man, what happened?"

"You drove a boat intothe Smithsonian, you (bleep)."

(laughter)

"And then you punchedthe Hope Diamond

and you puked two poundsof caviar into a Gucci bag."

(laughter)

(cheering)

Yeah! Yeah!You know what I'm talking about.

I love Prince.

I think he's an amazing artist,

but, my-- okay, my favorite songis "1999."

And I love it, but it's alsokind of confusing,

because those of youthat don't know--

that first line of the songsays,

"I was dreamingwhen I wrote this,

Forgive me if I go astray."

And then Prince more or lessstays on a linear thought

the entire restof the song.(laughter)

There is no astray.

That's false advertising,Prince.

Plus, it's not weird.

Anybody here not have dreamsthat are totally weird

all the time, like me?

So I've rewritten itfor you guys.

Uh, and now it goes like this.

♪ I was dreamingwhen I wrote this ♪

♪ Forgive me if it goes astray

♪ Bu-bu, bu-du-du

♪ I was fightinggiant lobsters ♪

♪ In an area above my house (laughter)

♪ Both my handsare chocolate sharks ♪

♪ And some guy I knewfrom high school ♪

♪ Handed me a cakeand then left ♪(laughter)

♪ Why does Mom looklike Patti LaBelle? ♪

♪ And then it getsall kind of fuzzy ♪

♪ And I think the whole thingended with ants ♪

♪ And when I wake up,my bed is wet... ♪(laughter)

'Cause I sweat, guys,come on...(laughter)

when I orgasm.

It's this weird combo move.(laughter)

I can't break the cycle.It's weird.

We have had a lot of laughshere so far,

haven't we, guys?

Yeah.(cheering and applause)

But you know what,you know what?

If I could get-- if I could getserious with you guys

just for a moment.

Um...(laughter)

Come on, serious faces.

You're blowing it, guys.

Come on.(laughter)

I think you have to be ready

for everything that life hasto throw at you, right?

But a good example is,the other night, uh,

I was having some pretty wildsex with my lady-- again.

(laughter)

And she fell out of bed.

On the floor, right?

But it was cool.

I just yelled,"Five-second rule,"

and kept (bleep), you knowwhat I'm talking about?

(laughter and applause)

That's my advice to you.

Watch out for that.

Sirs, missesand sassy britches, hello.

Everybody's lookingdelicious and lovely.

Everyone dressed up and stuff.

I'm feeling pretty good.

Mainly 'cause I just gota brand-new pair of pajamas.

Not bragging,but I live dangerously.

What happened was, I went tothe store to buy the pajamas,

but they were out.

So I just went next door andsigned up for karate lessons.

Boom. New pajamas. Look at that.

Karate's a little more thanpajama-wearing to the extreme.

I can't wait to see the lookon that burglar's face

when he sneaks inside my houselate one night,

only to turn and find mein my karate jammies!

He thinks I'm thereto beat him down, but in truth,

I've just come outfor a late night snack.

(grunts)

This is dumb.I got in a fight the other day

and I tried to get out of itby saying, "Listen, man,

I'm just warning you,I know karate."

And if you have to tell somebodythat you know karate,

man, you don't know karate.

If you did, you would havekarated me by now, you know?

And the guy who was tryingto fight me was like,

"Oh, I don't know karate.

I know 'ka-ratay.'"

And I was like, "Oh, do you knowa speech 'thera-pisst'?"

And he did not knowa speech "thera-pisst."

But he did know "ka-ratay."

And he beat the hell out of me.

I've never been an academic.

I barely squeakedout of high school.

Two grades put me over the top.

One was the excellent gradeI received

on my final art project,a simple stick figure sketch

of my art teacher, Mr. Garza

making out withthe married Spanish teacher.

I call that piece, "I Know."

(laughter)

And the other gradethat put me over the top

was the excellent grade

I receivedon my final Spanish project.

Simple short story,written entirely in Spanish

about a certain art teacher

making out witha married Spanish teacher.

I call that piece "Yo Sé."

(speaking foreign language)

Let's get serious, guys.

I showed up fora job interview the other day,

and I was very excited about it.

Until I got there and I realized

I was, like,the least qualified candidate.

There's no way I'm getting thatjob, and it's happened before.

I know there's zero chanceof me getting the job

I'm about to apply for.

Which is whyI always carry two résumés:

regular and baffling.

Then the game becomes,"How long can you interview

while staying as unhireableas possible?"

'Cause if I'm notleaving with a job,

I'm at least leavingwith a story.

(laughter)

"Well, Mr. Watkins, this isa very impressive résumé.

"It says you scored a perfect800 on the English portion

of your SATs."

"That's true.

"Scored a 150on the math, though.

"So, you addthe two scores together,

"it gives you a total of...

"I have no idea.

What good is math anyway?"

And they say it's importantto have a sense of humor

when interviewing.

So, when they ask methat time-old question,

"What's your greatest strength?"

I said, "These sick-ass biceps."

Wow. Just grab the staplerand start doing curls.

I don't care.

You got nothing to lose.

And they liked that all right,so when they asked,

"What's your greatest weakness?"

I said, "Underaged girls!

Winkity-wink!"

"Well, Mr. Watkins, I don't knowif we have a position for you

"right now, teachingat Anderson High School, but...

we'll keep your résumé on file."

You know, you don't wantto get your heart...

'Cause this is what I learned:

When I was a jerk, I met nicegirls. Now I'm a nice guy,

I meet girls that are jerksall the time.

Fellows, I'm the only one?Okay, cool.

So, I'm gonna tell youthis story.

True story.I'm thinking I'm in love.

I meet this girlin my acting class, right?

Absolutely gorgeous, beautiful.

Class was over. She was, like,

"You want to walk me to my car?"

I was, like, "Uh, yeah!"

So I walk her to the car,right?

We standing next to the car,she was, like,

"So, Ron, you dating anybody?"I was, like, "No, I'm single."

She was, like, "Cool."I said, "You dating anybody?"

She was, like, "No, um,well, actually,

"my boyfriend, he cheated on me,

and now he want to call meand get back with me.

He make me sick."

I'm, like, "Did you tell himit was over?"

She was, like, "No, ain'tnothing to talk about.

He cheated on me."

I was, like, "Sound like drama."She, was, like, "And?"

So she's, like, "Uh, you wantto hang out later?"

I was, like, "Uh, yeah!"

So we go hang out, right?

We have a great time.

I pull up in front of herhouse at 1:00 in the morning.

Date was great. We got thelittle goofy look on our face.

She didn't want me to leave.I didn't want her to leave,

so she's like, "You wantto come up for a minute?"

I was, like, "Uh, yeah!"So, we go upstairs, right?

I take my coat off,throw my keys down,

and we started talking.I'm being a nice guy.

She was, like, "So, um..."And as I'm talking,

she puts her finger on my lipsand started kissing me.

I'm, like, "Oh-oh,it's about to go down.

My face, like,"This is a good thing."

So she was, like,"It's a little hot in here.

Do you want to goin my room?"

I was, like, "Uh, yeah!"

So, we in the room, right?

She take her shirt off,sexy little bra.

I lay her down,I start kissing.

As I'm kissing her, I heara knock at the door. (knocks)

I jump up, put my pants on.

I step into my shoein the wrong foot.

As this was happening, I hearboom! "Where you at?!"

He comes in the bedroom-- boom!

He was, like, "What's up, punk?You with my girl?

"You got me out hereat 3:00 in the morning,

and I'm trying to talkto my girl?!"

I was, like, "Uh,yeah."

(laughs)

I say, "Can I get my shoe?"He was, like, "No!"

I was, like, "I didn't wantthe shoe anyway."

So I'm running down the streetwith one shoe on.

I'm in the alley standingon one foot like a flamingo.

I call my homeboy.

I was, like, "Hey, dawg,somebody about to die.

Come get me." Click.Let me tell you what happened.

My homeboy showed upin 12 minutes.

I was proud of him.He showed up.

The problem was. he showed uplike we going to a pool party.

This dude got on a TapouTT-shirt and some flip-flops.

I'm, like, "Dude, I said

"somebody about to die,not drown.

What are you doing?"

So I get my confidence back up.I said, "Dude, I can't leave.

I gotta go get my keysand my coat."

I was, like, "Cool. So pull upin front of the house,

let me go get my stuff."

So I get my confidence up,I walk up to the door,

take an exhale.

As I'm opening the door,he swing the door open

and punch me.

Now, first of all,

I'd never been punched before.

I didn't get no flyeror nothing. I just got punched.

You ever get hit so hard,you wake up in a place that had

nothing to dowith where the fight started?

This dude hit me so hard,I woke up in the car

with all my clothes on.

My shoes was on the right foot,and my keys was in the ignition.

My homeboy was looking at me.He was, like, You ready to go?"

I was, like, "Uh, yeah!"

You don't get that no more.

Now racism is a little subtle,you know what I'm saying?

That's the worse kind,you know what I'm saying?

Like, the other day,I got pissed off.

I saw a TV commercialthat made me mad.

It was a Tide laundry detergentcommercial.

It was a white ladyholding a bottle.

She was, like, "Try Tide.It keeps the whites white

and keeps the colorsfrom running."

(laughter)

Got my clothes smellinglike sea breeze and segregation.

Is that what we're doing?

But I'm excited about life.

Last year was a great yearfor me. I got engaged.

(audience cheers)

Haters, haters, haters.Some haters over here.

This year has been even better.

I got disengaged.Give it up for a brother.

(audience cheers)Yes!

Yes! God has delivered mefrom my situation. Yes, he has.

I got engagedto the dream snatcher,

this girl was so negative.Freakin' dream snatcher.

This girl was so goodat being negative,

the could have put heron Sports Center.

And we're back, Dream Snatcher,

you're coming off a careernight. How do you feel?

(panting) It's been a toughseason, but basically,

we blocked most of his hopesand dreams. (panting)

We had a couple rebounds

and we stole his visionand his purpose.

(panting)Yeah, he started out real goodfirst quarter,

but by the endof fourth quarter,

me and my girls, my team--

girl, come over hereand celebrate--

uh, we naggedhis confidence away, and, uh,

we feel pretty goodabout our win tonight.

Thanks, Mark.I love ya, Mama.

(hums theme music)

And I suck at dating.

Not 'cause I'm a bad guy,

but becauseI'm lactose-intolerant.

Anybody who's lactose?

Three black people.I need y'all to clap, yeah.

For real, 'cause, like,the sexy stuff I want to eat,

I can't do lasagna,I can't do ice cream.

I can't do smoothies.None of the cool stuff,

you know what I'm saying?It messes me up.

'Cause when you find outyou lactose,

you don't get no notice.It just happens.

You'll be sitting downat the table,

and you'll hear this sound:(squeaking)

What is that noise?

(squeaks) Y'all needto fix this floor.

(squeaks) Shut that baby up!I'm trying to think now.

(squeaking)

(laughing): I'm...I'm so lactose,

I get gasoff ice cream truck music.

(to the tune of"Pop Goes The Weasel")

♪ Bloo, blo-bloo,bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo ♪

♪ Bloo, bloo-bloo,bloo-bloo-bloo ♪

♪ Bloo, bloo-bloo,bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo ♪

(squeaks)♪ Bloo, bloo-bloo-bloo.

Shut that baby up!I'm trying to think now.

But I don't know if y'all knowthis true fact:

80% of all black peopleare lactose-intolerant.

Did you know that? Google it.

The funny... the funny part is

they still putmissing black kids

on the back of milk cartons.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

Got the GD crowd over here.

I say we put them on the backof buckets of chicken.

Yeah, let me get a 16-pieceOriginal...

Hold on. Is that Leroy?

Hey, Patricia,your baby on the bucket.

And he is delicious.

(squeaks) What is that noise?Y'all need to fix this floor.

Ah, but I'm trying to get backon my feet

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