Monday, November 9, 2015

  • 11/09/2015

Judah Friedlander, Brendon Walsh and Jen Kirkman launch a war on the war on Christmas, write #UnderwearSongs and invent new tongue twisters for modern-day use.

>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPIDREFRESH.

>> IT'S ONLY NOVEMBER 10TH, BUTIT SEEMS LIKE THE

WAR ON CHRISTMAS STARTS EARLIERAND EARLIER EVERY YEAR.

MY NEIGHBOR STILL HAS HIS "WARON HALLOWEEN" DECORATIONS UP,

AND FOX NEWS IS ALREADYREPORTING ON THE LATEST SHOT

FIRED IN THE ONGOING CONFLICT.

IT SEEMS THE COFFEE COMMIES ATSTARBUCKS HAVE TAKEN THE

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS OFF THEIRCUPS!

WHAT?!

[BOOING]>> CHRIS: WHAT IS THAT?

JUST RED, JUST RED?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHRED AND GREEN?

I THINK CHRISTIAN ACTIVIST ANDKEVIN JAMES CHARACTER JOSHUA

FEUERSTEIN SAID IT BEST:>> DO YOU REALIZE STARBUCKS

WANTED TO TAKE CHRIST ANDCHRISTMAS OFF OF THEIR BRAND NEW

CUPS? THAT'S WHY THEY'RE JUSTPLAIN RED.

>> CHRIS: FIRST OF ALL, I'MPRETTY SURE STARBUCKS NEVER HAD

JESUS ON THEIR CUPS.

IN THE HISTORY OF STARBUCKS.

I GUESS ALL THE STUFF YOU'REREFERRING TO THAT'S NOT ON THE

CUPS ARE TECHNICALLY THE PAGANSYMBOLS THAT WERE ADOPTED

QUITE RECENTLY IN THEHISTORY OF CHRISTMAS.

WHY LET FACTS AND RESEARCH GETIN THE WAY OF A GOOD

OLD-FASHIONED SOCIAL MEDIAATTENTION GRAB?

ALSO -- OH, YOU KNOW WHATTHOUGH.

ACTUALLY I'M WRONG. I FORGOTABOUT LAST YEAR'S EASTER CUPS.

THOSE WERE DELICIOUS.

[ APPLAUSE ]I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO

INTERRUPT YOU, BARGAIN BASEMENTPAUL BLART. GO ON...

>> I ASKED FOR MY COFFEE, THEYASKED FOR MY NAME.

AND I TOLD THEM MY NAME IS"MERRY CHRISTMAS."

GO IN TO STARBUCKS AND TAKEYOUR OWN COFFEE SELFIE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THAT'LL SHOW'EM. DON'T SPEND YOUR

HARD-EARNED MONEY FEEDINGTHE POOR OR DONATING TO

CHARITY OR HELPING THE LESSFORTUNATE THAN YOU.

KEEP BUYING LATTES FROMSTARBUCKS AND TWEET ABOUT HOW

OUTRAGED YOU ARE.

ALSO NICE STRIP CLUB DJ VOICE.

"I GUESS THE STRIP CLUB'S ONLYINTERESTED IN PROMOTING

HANNUKAH. HERE IS CINNAMONSHOWING OFF HER LABIA MENORAH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> TERRIBLE JOKE, TERRIBLE.

I'M SORRY.

>> THERE IS NO JEWISH STRIPPERS.

[LAUGHING]COMEDIANS, CLEARLY THIS GUY'S

NOT THE MOST EFFECTIVE ACTIVIST,

SO WHAT OTHER JOB MIGHT HE BEQUALIFIED FOR?

>> FIRST OF ALL I DON'T DRINKCOFFEE. I PREFER TO JUST STAY

TIRED.

I KNOW THIS GUY, I KNOW THISGUY.

HE'S ACTUALLY THE TOP BEER PONGREFEREE IN TAMPA.

BUT I THINK HE WOULD BE GOOD ATBILKING WIDOWS OUT OF THEIR

SAVINGS BY PROMISING TOISLAM-PROOF THEIR BATHROOMS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: LISTEN, I KNOW THE

KING OF "KINGS OF QUEENS" ISMOSTLY JUST TROLLING HERE,

BUT TO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY

FEEL LIKE THIS, I JUST WANT TOSAY THIS: I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. IT'S AFUN TIME OF YEAR.

YOU CAN SAY "MERRY CHRISTMAS"ALL YOU WANT.

JUST DON'T USE THE WORD "WAR" INTHE CONTEXT OF CARDBOARD CUPS.

JESUS ACCEPTED EVERYONE AND YOUSEEMED TO LIKE THAT GUY, SO

CHILL THE [BLEEP] OUT, I GUESS.

I MEAN WAR IS WHAT'S GOING ON INSYRIA NOT YOUR LOCAL STRIP MALL

PARKING LOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: BUT BACK TO THISCARTOON CHARACTER BASED ON THE

MUSIC OF STAIND.

>> AND SINCE YOU HATE THE SECONDAMENDMENT, I EVEN CARRIED MY

GUN.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: GUYS, W-W-J-D?

I THINK J WOULD CRAM A GUN DOWNHIS PANTS AT A LOCAL STARBUCKS

LOOKING LIKE THE LEAD SINGER INA LIMP BIZKIT COVER BAND.

THAT'S WHAT HE WOULD DO.

[ APPLAUSE ]COMEDIANS WHAT IS SOMETHING ELSE

STARBUCKS COULD PUT ON THEIRCUPS TO ANGER THIS GUY MORE.

JUDAH.

>> HAPPY KWANZAA, LOVE SEANHANNITY.

THEN A PICTURE OF SEANHANNITY AND BILL O'REILLY

KISSING UNDER THE MISTLETOE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRENDON.

>> ADAM AND STEVE 69'ING INTHE GARDEN OF EATIN' BUTT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> IF THE CUP JUST SAID "JESUSWAS A JEW."

TIME FOR THE #HASHTAGWARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: WHEN WE FIRST LAUNCHED

#HASHTAGWARS IN 1971 WE HAD NOIDEA HOW SUCCESSFUL IT WOULD

BE. EVERY NIGHT THOUSANDS OFPEOPLE PLAY ALONG, WHILE

THOUSANDS OF OTHERS GET REALLYANNOYED AND UNFOLLOW THEM.

ONE FAN WILL GET A CHANCE TO BEA PANELIST ON "@MIDNIGHT"

BECAUSE OUR ANNUAL COMPETITION"POINTS ME" IS BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]LAST YEAR'S CHAMP, CHRIS CUBAS,

PICTURED HERE, PLAYED AGAINSTTOM LENNON AND STEVE AGEE AND

TOTALLY WON.

OVER THE NEXT TWO MONTHS WE WILLGIVE YOU A SERIES OF POINTS ME

CHALLENGES THAT WILL PUSH YOU TOTHE EDGE OF INSANITY.

WE WILL SEE IF YOU HAVE WHAT ITTAKES TO COMPETE AGAINST THE

FINEST COMEDIC MINDS OF OURTIME, STARTING WITH TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WAR, #UNDERWEARSONGS.EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

AIN'T NOTHING BUT A G-STRANGAND ANYTHING BY SKID MARKY MARK

AND THE FUNKY PANTIES IN ABUNCH.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN. JUDAH.

>> PRETTY FLY FOR A TIGHTYWHITEY GUY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> TOTALLY [BLEEP] MY FART, TURNAROUND BROWN EYE.

>> CHRIS: JUDAH.

>> THE THONG AND WINDING ROAD.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> DINGLEBERRY BERET.

CHRIS: BRENDON.

>> ITTY BITTY TEENY WEENY YELLOWAND BROWN POLKA DOT BRIEFS.

>> BUTT LOOSE.

CHRIS: ANYTHING BY THE BANDSTAIND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> FIGHT FOR YOUR TIGHT TOWHITEY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> ANYTHING BY KNICKERS WITHATTITUDE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "SOUNDS

LIKE MUSIC."

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: THE INTERNET IS

THE INTERNET IS SOMETIMESWONDERFUL AND PERFECT, AND

NOWHERE IS THAT SO CLEAR AS ONTHE SUBREDDIT "SOUNDS LIKE

MUSIC", WHERE PEOPLE PAIREVERYDAY SOUNDS WITH SONGS THAT

COINCIDENTALLY SOUND ALIKE. FOREXAMPLE, THIS JAZZY DUO...

♪[ APPLAUSE ]

>> DON'T YOU ALWAYS WANT TO DOTHAT WHEN YOU HEAR A BRUNO MARS

SONG?

>> CHRIS: COMEDIANS.

I WILL DESCRIBE TWO MUSICALSCENARIOS AND YOU TELL ME WHICH

ONE IS REAL.

FIRST ONE, A MALFUNCTIONING TOYPOLICE CAR THAT SOUNDS LIKE

FERGIE OR A HEAP OF RUBBER DUCKSTHAT SOUND LIKE ADELE.

>> RUBBER DUCKS THAT SOUND LIKEADELE.

I DON'T GET THESE REFERENCES.I'M JUST A BABY.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT IF IT'SFERGIE OR ADELE.

>> YOU KNOW THAT WAS NOT PART OFTHE ADELE VIDEO.

I'M SURE IT WAS THERE SOMEWHERE.

>> SHE REALLY --CHRIS: THEY'RE CLEANING UP

AFTER ALL OF THE DUCKS [BLEEP]EVERYWHERE.

THAT'S WHAT THAT BIG BROOM WAS.

NEXT, A CRYING WOMAN THAT SOUNDSLIKE "DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT"

OR A TRAIN ACCIDENT THAT SOUNDSLIKE "ELEANOR RIGBY"?

[LAUGHING]>> I KNOW IT'S HORRIFYING.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T WANT TOHEAR THAT.

AHHH! "LOOK AT ALL THE LONELY--"

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I'M GOING TO GO CRYING WOMAN

THAT SOUNDS LIKE "DROP IT LIKEIT'S HOT."

>> JUST CALLING YOU BACK TO LETYOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND I

MISS YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY.

CHRIS: IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONEGOT DROPPED LIKE THEY WERE HOT.

>> SOUNDS LIKE THEY WEREN'T HOTENOUGH.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, AN ANGRYFALCON THAT SOUNDS LIKE LENNY

KRAVITZ OR A TURTLE HAVING SEXTHAT SOUNDS LIKE COLDPLAY?

>> I THINK--BY THE WAY I IMAGINETHE SINGER OF COLDPLAY, WHEN HE

HAS SEX, IT SOUNDS LIKE ATURTLE.

I SAY TURTLE HAVING SEX SOUNDSLIKE COLDPLAY.

>> CHRIS: I HOPE SO.

LET'S SEE.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: I MEAN THEY'RE

INDISTINGUISHABLE REALLY.

[LAUGHING]>> IS THAT TURTLE GIVING OR

RECEIVING SEX?

>> CHRIS: IT'S CUT OUT OF THEFRAME.

MY GUESS IS HE'S [BLEEP] ONETURTLE GOING DOWN ON A THIRD

TURTLE.

>> WAS CHRIS MARTIN GIVING ORRECEIVING SEX?

>> CHRIS: CHRIS MARTIN WASGETTING [BLEEP] BY THE TURTLE.

>> TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE[BEEP]ATELLO.

>> WHY DO I FEEL LIKE CHRISMARTIN WOULDN'T HAVE ANY

SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT THIS?

>> CHRIS: "THERE WERE NO TURTLESIN THE VIDEO AT ALL.

DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE,DOES IT?"

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU AVIDEO OF AN NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL

INTIMIDATING A BUNCH OF ADULTSWITH A SWORD, AND I ASKED YOU TO

JUDGE HER PERFORMANCE. LET'S SEEWHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

JEN KIRKMAN, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> I WILL GIVE HER A NINE ANDTHEN THE NUMBER FOR CHILD

SERVICES BECAUSE HER PARENTSGAVE

HER A [BLEEP]ING SWORD.

>> CHRIS: THEY DID.

BRENDON.

>> I GAVE HER A 7.5.

GREAT TECHNIQUE BUT SHE REMINDEDME OF THE FOUR-YEAR-OLD WHO

KILLED MY PARENTS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

JUDAH.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU A 5 OUT OF 10NOW.

YOU GET THE REMAINING POINTSAFTER YOU ASSASSINATE THE PRIME

MINISTER OF SANTA BARBARA.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME FOR "TONGUE

TIED."

NOW YESTERDAY WAS INTERNATIONALTONGUE TWISTER DAY, THE FAKE

HOLIDAY WHEN WE CELEBRATE THOSECLASSIC PHRASES THAT CHALLENGE

YOUR ARTICULATION SKILLS ANDIMPROVE CUNNILINGUS.

THE PROBLEM IS, THOUGH, THAT NOONE'S WRITTEN A NEW TONGUE

TWISTER SINCE THE DAYS WHEN YOUCOULD MAKE A LIVING SELLING

SEASHELLS BY THE SEA SHORE. WHOCARES ABOUT PICKING PECKS OF

PICKLED PEPPERS WHEN WE'VE GOT"MONSANTO MANUFACTURING MUTANT

MIND-CONTROL MELONS"?

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIFTUS WITH SOME MORE MODERN TONGUE

TWISTERS IN 60 SECONDS ANDBEGIN.

>> FLAVA FLAV GAVE DAVE COULIERAIDS IN A PARADE.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: INSTANT CLASSIC,

POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> HEY, LOSERS AND YOUTUBERS,HANS GRUBER'S UBER'S ARRIVED.

>> BRADLEY COOPER DROVE HISSUPER DUPER MINI COOPER INTO MY

POOPER.

>> CHRIS CHRISTIE CAN'T QUITCRYING IN QUIZNOS.

>> JESSE JACKSON JERKED OFF AJEALOUS JACKALOPE.

>> AT HOBBY LOBBY BOBBY JINDAL'SKINDLE DWINDLED.

>> GUY FIERI'S BLOODY MARY'S NOTAS HAIRY AS CHAZZ PALMINTERI.