Adam Killed a Man

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 09/12/2014

Adam recruits Randy Liedtke, Rob Christensen and Kristen Schaal to help him prank his buddy Kyle Newacheck and do stand-up at his party.

- I AM AT PEACE.

MY WILL IS FREE.

- [whistling]

- I AM AT PEACE.

- [screeches]

KYLE!- ADAM?

- KYLE, I'M FREAKING OUT.- ADAM, WHAT?

- I'M FREAKING OUT, DUDE.- WHAT IS ALL OVER YOU?

- I KILLED A GUY!- WHAT?

- I JUST KILLED A GUY, MAN.

IT WAS JUST--ALL OF A SUDDEN,HE WAS JUST THERE,

AND HE WASN'T DEAD;THEN I WAS LIKE, "HE'S DEAD!"

- ARE YOU SURE IT WAS A MAN?- IT WAS A MAN!

DEFINITELY A MAN,HE HAD LONG HAIR,

BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY A MAN.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, CALM DOWN.WE NEED YOU, BUDDY.

THE FIRST THING WE NEEDYOU TO DO IS

GET OUT OF THESE CLOTHES, OKAY?

THE COMICS ARE GONNA BE HEREANY MINUTE, SO GET OUT OF THEM,

OR ELSE THEY'RE GONNA KNOW.

GO UPSTAIRS.DON'T SMACK ME, OKAY?

I'LL START THINKINGOF AN ALIBI,

AND THEN I'LL TIE UPALL THE LOOSE ENDS, OKAY?

I GOT YOUR BACK, MAN.ALL RIGHT, BROTHER.

- YOU'RE MY HETERO BROTHERFROM A DIFFERENT MOTHER.

- I HAVE YOUR BACK,JUST LIKE A BROTHER.

- GOT YOUR BACK.

- I'LL FREAKING FOLLOW YOUTO THE END.

- THANK YOUFOR HELPING ME.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.GET OUT OF HERE.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.- I FREAKING LOVE YOU, DUDE.

- ALL RIGHT, BROTHER.

HELLO, THE POLICE?

YEAH, I'D LIKETO REPORT A MURDER.

YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY MY FRIEND,ADAM DEVINE, KILLED SOMEONE.

[theme music plays]

I'M DOING ALRIGHT, I HAD A GOODYEAR, I TURNED 30 THIS YEAR,IT'S NOT SO BAD.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

FINALLY THE AGEPEOPLE ALWAYS GUESSED I WAS.

TODAY WAS ACTUALLYA CRAZY DAY.

NOT ONLY DIDI ALMOST SHIT MY PANTS,

I ALSO SHIT MY PANTS.

I WENT TO NEW YORKLAST YEAR.

I'D NEVER BEENTO NEW YORK EVER.

HAVE YOU GUYSEVER BEEN TO NEW YORK?

IT'S SO GOOD.

WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

I GREW UPIN A SMALL TOWN IN OREGON,

AND IT WAS KIND OF SCARYFOR ME.

I WAS A LOT LIKEKEVIN MCALLISTER

IN HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK.

SO I WAS COMPLETELY OVERWHELMEDAND 100% PUBELESS.

THAT'S JUST MY STYLE.

YOU GUYS ARE OKAYWITH A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF.

NOT ME.YOU GUYS, ALL RIGHT.

OH, I JUST GOTA COOL NICKNAME.

I'VE NEVER REALLY HADA COOL NICKNAME.

DO YOU GUYS--OH, WE DON'T HAVE TIME.

MY NICKNAMEIS THE DICTATOR.

THAT'S KIND OF COOL.WELL, KIND OF.

IT'S BECAUSE MY PENISLOOKS LIKE A POTATO.

IT'S COOLUNLESS I EXPLAIN IT.

[chuckles]

SOMETHING FUNNYJUST HAPPENED.

A LOT OF COMICS WILL BE LIKE,

"SOMETHING FUNNY JUST HAPPENED,"BUT THEY'RE LYING.

THIS ACTUALLY JUST HAPPENED.I'M LYING.

SOMEONE TOOKA BACKGROUND CHECK OUT ON ME,

AND I HAD THE OPTION TO HAVETHAT SAME BACKGROUND CHECK

SENT TO MY HOMESO I COULD SEE,

LIKE, WHAT IT SAID

AND HOW I WAS BEINGREPRESENTED,

AND I GOT ONE.

IT HAD A LOTOF MY TWEETS IN IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

AND THE FIRST TWEETON THE LIST--

DO YOU GUYS KNOW THE SHOW

BAR RESCUE WITH JOHN TAFFER?

OH, YEAH, THE FIRST TWEETON THIS LIST

WAS ME ASKING HIMHOW BIG HIS DICK IS.

BE CAREFUL, EVERYBODY.

TELL YOU SOMETHING INTERESTINGABOUT MYSELF.

I HAVE A WEBSITEWHERE I SELL ROMANTIC COMEDIES

ON COMPACT DISC,MAKE SOME EXTRA MONEY.

CHECK IT OUT,ROMCOMCDROM.COM,

IS WHAT I WISHI COULD SAY.

IT'S .INFO.

I'M SORRY I'M DOING THIS,

BUT THIS IS MOREOF AN ADVERTISEMENT.

MY ROOMMATE KURTJUST STARTED A BUSINESS

WITH HIS FRIEND ROD,SO CHECK IT OUT,

KURT AND ROD'SCURTAIN RODS.

STUPID.NO.

[chuckles]

- YOU GUYS SEE METOUCH THAT?

IT'S A TON OF GOOD AIR.- ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?

- NO, NO, I'M GREAT.I'M FEELING GOOD.

- 'CAUSE YOUR SHIRT IS LIKE--- AND YOUR FACE.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH,NO, I'M GREAT.

THIS IS JUST BLOOD.THIS IS--

I'M PRANKING KYLE AND SCARINGPOOP OUT OF HIS BUTTHOLE

BECAUSE HE'S BEENSUCH A BITCH THIS WHOLE SEASON.

HE'S, LIKE,BEING A REAL BITCH.

I TOLD HIM I KILLED A MAN.- WHOA.

- BUT YOU DIDN'TKILL A MAN, RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU'RE COVEREDIN ACTUAL BLOOD.

- NO, THIS ISFROM THE INSIDE OF A CAT.

- I THOUGHTI SMELLED CAT BLOOD.

THAT'S SMART.- IS THAT ILLEGAL?

OR CAN YOUJUST KILL THE CAT OR?

- I THINK DOWN HERE,IN THE SOUTH, YOU CAN KILL CATS.

- HEY, OH, ADAM.- WHAT?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M TELLING MY BEST FRIENDSRIGHT HERE THAT I KILLED A MAN

USING BOTH BLUNT OBJECTSAND SHARP ONES AS WELL.

IT WAS AS CRAZYAS A WILD BRAWL.

- WE'RE TERRIFIED.- HE TOOK SOME SWINGS AT ME--

- HOMEY.- YEAH?

- HOMEY, YOU NEED TO TAKEYOUR CLOTHES OFF AND BURN THEM

AND THEN TAKE A SHOWER.

STOP TELLING EVERYBODYTHAT YOU KILLED A MAN, OKAY?

IT'S JUST STUPID.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT IS JUST SAGE ADVICEFROM A WISE FRIEND.

AND THEN HE JUST, LIKE, GURGLED,LIKE, ON HIS OWN BLOOD,

AND THEN IT WAS JUST LIKE--

YEAH, AND I MURDEREDTHAT PERSON.

I DID.I MURDERED A MAN.

ANYWAY, OUR FIRST COMICCOMING TO THE STAGE

I GOTTA STOP DRINKING TONIGHT

I DO.NOT 'CAUSE I'M ALCOHOLIC.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT.

I GOT TO STOP DRINKING

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYSTHREE BEERS AWAY

FROM A NECK TATTOO.

I AM NECK TATTOO PEOPLE.

I LIVEIN THE NECK TATTOO ZONE.

I LOVE 'EM'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE A WARNING.

LIKE, YOU KNOWYOU'RE IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD

BY HOW MANY WOMENHAVE NECK TATTOOS.

YOU KNOWYOU'RE IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD

IF YOU SEE A WHITE DUDESMOKING A CIGARETTE

IN THIS POSITION.

THAT DUDESELLS BRIDES, OKAY?

STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

DO NOT TRUST ANYONEIN A FILA TRACKSUIT

AND LEATHER SANDALS, OKAY?

YOU CAN'T EVEN BUYA FILA TRACKSUIT IN AMERICA.

YOU HAVE TO BUY ITIN RUSSIA.

THAT DUDEIS STRAIGHT OFF THE BOAT.

NOT LIKE THE SAYING"STRAIGHT OFF THE BOAT."

LIKE, LITERALLY HITTINGTHE BOTTOM OF A BOAT

TO GET TO AMERICAWITH THREE BLONDES,

AND THEY'RE ALL FOR SALE.

I'M BAD AT DATING.

THAT'S A SEGUE.I AM.

FOR ME, HAVING A GIRLFRIENDIS LIKE BEING A DETECTIVE

THAT ONLY SOLVESONE CRIME,

THE CASEOF WHY IS SHE CRYING?

OVER AND OVERAND OVER.

WAS IT SOMETHING ON TV,SOMETHING IN A MOVIE?

WAS IT A CAT VIDEOON YOUTUBE?

WAS IT HORMONES ALONE?

HORMONES MIXEDWITH LITERALLY ANYTHING?

IS IT SOMETHING I SAIDSIX MONTHS AGO?

SOMETHING I'M SAYINGRIGHT NOW?

SOMETHING YOU THINK I MIGHT SAYSIX MONTHS FROM NOW,

OR SOMETHINGTHAT AN ACTOR ON TV

THAT KINDOF LOOKED LIKE ME SAID?

DREAMS?

[cheers and applause]

WHY AM I IN TROUBLEFOR YOUR DREAMS?

IF I CAN'T KEEP A GIRL,

I'M LOOKING FOR THEULTIMATE DICK JOKE.

EVERY COMEDIAN IS.

I MEAN, THIS STAGE IS JUSTSPLATTERED WITH DICK JOKES.

THEY'RE JUST,LIKE, EVERYWHERE.

BECAUSE ONCE YOU'VE FOUND IT,

THEN YOU'RE ON TOPOF THE COMEDY FOOD CHAIN.

I HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET,OBVIOUSLY,

AND WHEN I DO,I CAN PROMISE YOU,

YOU WILL NEVER SEE MEHERE AGAIN, NEW ORLEANS.

NO WAY.

'CAUSE I'LL BE HOSTING

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON

AND JIMMY KIMMELAND ALL THE REST

JUST EATING ME OUTUNDER THE DESK.

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE I'LL HAVE DONE IT!

DICKS RULE.THEY LITERALLY RULE.

MY EYE SIGHT'SGETTING WORSE,

AND I WAS THINKINGABOUT GETTING LASIK.

I DID SOME RESEARCH,BUT I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S NOT COVERED BY INSURANCE,AND IT'S REALLY EXPENSIVE.

BUT THEN I NOTICEDTHAT INSURANCE COMPANIES

ARE REALLY KEEN ON ANYTHINGHELPING OUT THE PENIS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE VIAGRA,

THE PENIS PUMP,YOU KNOW?

SO I THOUGHTI'D WRITE THEM A LETTER

AND SAY THAT I'VE BEENHAVING TROUBLE SEEING PENISES

AND I NEED THE SURGERYSO I CAN, YOU KNOW,

ASSIST IN THE PENIS

AND JUST HELPMAKE THE PENIS HEALTHIER,

AND I THINKTHEY MIGHT KICK IN.

I KNOW ONE PENISTHAT WOULD BE HAPPY,

AND THAT'S MY HUSBAND.

I MEAN, WE'RE STILL HOTAND HEAVY--

DON'T GET ME WRONG--BUT I KNOW HE MASTURBATES.

BUT I ASKED HIM.

I SAID,"WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT

WHEN YOU MASTURBATE?"

AND HE LOOKED MERIGHT IN THE EYE,

AND HE SAID,"I THINK ABOUT OUR WEDDING.

"I THINK ABOUT THE COLORSTHAT WE CHOSE,

"AND THENMY HEART GETS RACING,

"AND I THINK ABOUTTHE FONT

THAT WE PICKED OUTFOR THE INVITATIONS."

AND APPARENTLYIT'S THE CAKE TOPPERS

THAT REALLY JUST SEND HIMOVER THE EDGE.

AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.THAT WAS A ROMANTIC DAY.

OH, MY GOODNESS.EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

I PICKED OUT THE BEST SONGFOR OUR FIRST DANCE.

I WAS U2'S I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.