John Mendoza & Will Durst

  • Season 1, Ep 0127
  • 02/24/1992

YOU KNOW,LIKE GODFATHER SEQUELS.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,LIKE THE ROCKY STUFF.

I LIKE THEM, AH,WHAT'S THE NEXT ONE?

ROCKY FIGHTS CAVITIES.

I DON'T KNOW,WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

I DON'T LIKE HORROR MOVIESBECAUSE I'M SQUEAMISH

BUT I GO BECAUSE SOMEOF MY EXES LIKE TO GO.

THEY LIKE TO PULLFOR THE ANTI-CHRIST, SO I GO.

I DON'T LIKEOBLIGATORY VIOLENCE.

IF IT WORKS FOR THE STORY, FINE

BUT YOU KNOW, EVERY 20 SECONDSSOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN.

IF A COUPLE ISAT A HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA

"GEE, I THINK I'LL HAVETHAT MEAT LOAF! MEAT LOAF!"

AND A BLADE WILL SHOOTOUT OF THE BREAD

AND GO RIGHTTHROUGH THEIR BRAIN.

I MEAN, EVERY 20 SECONDS.

IT'S LIKETHE STEPHEN KING THING NOW.

YOU KNOW,HE'S A MAJOR HORROR GUY

BUT AH, IT, WHEN I SAW ITI HAD TO LAUGH, I'M SORRY.

I COULDN'T SLEEP JUST SEEINGTHE BOOK COVER, IT.

I COULDN'T SLEEP.

I WAS ALONE.

I WENT, "OH, MY GOD!

THERE'S A PRONOUNIN THE BASEMENT, OH, MY GOD!"

( laughter )

FRIGHTENING NAME OF ALL TIME.

AND JUST TO CLOSETHIS LITTLE THOUGHT

THE WORST-- I'M NOT A FATHER,I WANT TO BE--

BUT THE WORST FATHER IN FILMHISTORY WAS IN A HORROR MOVIE.

AND HE'S SO GREAT-- THE STAROF COACH HE'S WONDERFUL

BUT THIS MOVIE--

AND I LOVED POLTERGEIST ONE,BECAUSE OF THE EFFECTS

BUT I MEAN, THERE ARE GHOSTS--

YOU OPEN A DOOR ANDTHERE'S SCHWINN BIKES GOING:

( whirring )

THINGS FLYING AROUND

AND BLOOD FROM A LAMBIS SPELLING OUT

"HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?"ON THE WALL.

AND HE ACTUALLY KNOWS--AND THERE'S GHOSTS IN THE HOUSE

AND HE LEAVES HIS WIFE THEREWITH THE TWO KIDS

AFTER TEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE.

IT WAS THE SUCKIEST MOVEIN PARENTHOOD.

AND HE SAID IN THE MOVIE

"I'M GOING TO GO TO WORK,I MIGHT BE HOME LATE.

"IF YOU GET A LITTLE RESTLESS,TRY TO GET A LITTLE NAP

UP IN HELL ROOM."

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I STARTEDTHINKING TO MYSELF

"I'VE GOT AN AIR BAG."

( laughter )

"I'LL SHUT THIS SUCKER UPRIGHT NOW."

I WAS IN NEW YORKOVER THE WEEKEND

THE CRIME THERE IS INCREDIBLE.

I WAS GETTING ON THE PLANE,I LOOKED INTO THE COCKPIT

AND AROUND THE STEERING WHEELTHEY HAD THE CLUB.

THE OTHER DAY THIS GUYWALKED UP TO ME AND SAID

"HEY, WOULD YOU TAKE A PICTUREOF ME AND MY FAMILY?"

I SAID, "NAH, YOU'RE ALL UGLY."

THEY WERE UGLY, TOO.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE ARE UGLY?

( sparse applause )

A COUPLE OF YOU.

SEE, I DON'T THINK UGLY PEOPLEKNOW THEY'RE UGLY.

I WAS AT A PARTY WITH A FRIENDTHE OTHER NIGHT.

HE SAYS TO ME, "LOOK ATTHAT CHICK, SHE'S A DOG."

I SAID, "SO ARE YOU."

( laughter )

"GO OVER AND SAY HELLO."

( laughter and applause )

"JUST DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS."

DID YOU EVER SEE AN UGLY KID?

YOU JUST LOOK AND IT AND YOU GO, "HA, HA.

YOU BETTER LEARN TO FIGHT."

( laughter )

MY FRIEND'S GOT THE UGLIEST DAMNKID I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

THE DOG WON'T EVEN LICKTHIS KID.

( laughter )

NOTHING BUT HEAD AND FEET.

JUST A BIG, OLD HEAD.

I CALL HIM MR. POTATO HEAD BABY.

( laughter )

HIS HEAD IS SO BIGWHEN HE TALKS ON THE PHONE

HE HAS TO SLIDE THE RECEIVERBACK AND FORTH.

"HELLO, WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"HELLO, WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

KIDS SUCK.

I HATE KIDS.

THEY'RE LIKE OLD PEOPLEWITH ENERGY.

YOU KNOW A GOOD THINGABOUT THAT MOVIE IS?

THERE WILL BE NO JFK II.

I GOT POPCORN STUCK IN THE BACKOF MY THROAT.

YOU EVER GET POPCORN STUCKIN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT?

YOU SOUND LIKEA CAT WITH FUR BALLS.

( clearing throat )

THEN YOU EAT MORE,FIGURING IT WILL PUSH IT DOWN.

( clearing throat )

HAD THIS OLD JEWISH GUYBEHIND ME.

HE HAD A BUICK STUCKIN HIS THROAT.

( clearing throat loudly )

DON'T LET THAT LOOSE, OKAY?

"WHO KILLED KENNEDY?"

"HE DID."

MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIEWAS HITCHCOCK'S THE BIRDS.

I SAW IT WITH MY OLDER BROTHER.

WE GOT HOME THAT NIGHT,I WENT TO BED;

HE OPENED UP ALL THE WINDOWSAND POURED CROUTONS ON ME.

( laughter )

I WAS IN A BANK,ON LINE FOR 45 MINUTES.

I GOT BORED, SO THE GUYSTANDING IN FRONT OF ME

I JUST PUNCHED HIMIN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

I SAID, "I'M SORRY,I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU."

YOU EVER DO THAT?

THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY,RUN UP BEHIND THEM AND GO...

( laughter )

"SORRY ABOUT THAT, MAN.

( laughter )

MY FRIEND HAS THE SAME HAT."

( laughter )

COMING IN FROM THE AIRPORTTHE OTHER DAY

I HAD THIS INDIAN CABDRIVER.

THE GUY HAD A TURBANAROUND HIS HEAD

AND A BASEBALL CAP ON TOP OF IT.

I SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU,A CLEVELAND INDIAN?"

DENNY'S HAS A SLOGAN:

"IF IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,THE MEAL IS ON US."

IF YOU'RE IN DENNY'SAND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

IT'S OPEN 24 HOURS.

WHO THE HELL GOES TO THE GYMAT 3:00, 4:00 IN THE MORNING?

I CAN BARELY GET MY FAT ASSOUT OF BED TO TAKE A WHIZ

AT THAT HOUR.

I HATE THAT FEELING.

YOU GOT TO PEE,3:00, 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU DON'T WANTTO GET OUT OF BED

THEN YOU GET UP AT 7:00,YOU PEE TILL JEOPARDY COMES ON.

I SAW A THING IN THE STORETHE OTHER DAY:

"BUY A SET OF DUMBBELLS, GETA VIDEOTAPE ON HOW TO USE IT."

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF

"YOU DON'T KNOWHOW TO USE DUMBBELLS

WHAT'S THE ODDSYOU KNOW HOW TO USE A VCR?"

( laughter )

PEOPLE GET DRESSED UPTO WORK OUT.

I SEE THESE WOMEN,THEY HAVE THESE OUTFITS ON--

THE ONE WITH THE STRINGGOES UP THEIR BUTT.

IT'S LOOKS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

THEY'RE WORKING OUT, IT'SLIKE, "ONE, TWO, THREE, WHOA!"

I JUST WANT TO GET BEHIND THEMAND HELP THEM.

"OKAY, I GOT YOU, GO FOR IT."

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE ARE STUPID?

( sparse applause )

IT'S GOOD TO BE STUPID.

TAKES A LOT OF PRESSURE OFF YOU.

DO SOMETHING WRONG,"WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?"

"YEAH."

CALL THE OPERATOR UP, YOU ASKFOR SOMEONE'S PHONE NUMBER.

THEY GO,"HOW DO THEY SPELL THEIR NAME?"

YOU GO, "I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE THE ONEWITH THE CRUMMY JOB."

I CALL THE OPERATOR THE OTHERDAY TO GET A PHONE NUMBER.

SHE SAID, "MY COMPUTER IS DOWN."

I SAID,"DO YOU HAVE A PHONE BOOK?"

YOU WANT TO MEET STUPID PEOPLE,LOCK YOUR KEYS IN YOUR CAR.

PEOPLE WALK UP TO YOU

AND ASK YOU THE STUPIDEST THINGSON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

"SO HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

( laughter )

"I SNUCK OUT THE EXHAUST."

"YOU GOT ANOTHER SETOF KEYS ON YOU?"

( laughter )

"I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT."

MY BIGGEST IDOL IS MY UNCLELOUIE, HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC.

HE COULD FALL DOWNTHREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS

AND STILL LAND ON HIS FEET.

CATS WOULD LOOK AT HIM AND GO,"GOOD MOVE."

MY GIRLFRIEND WANTED TO GO TO APOETRY READING THE OTHER NIGHT.

I SAID,"HOW ABOUT IF WE JUST BREAK UP?"

( laughter )

I WAS WITH THIS GIRLTHE OTHER NIGHT.

SHE SAID, "FOREPLAYSHOULD TAKE 90 MINUTES."

I SAID, "90 MINUTES, DOESTHAT INCLUDE THE DRIVE OVER?"

( laughter )

WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

MY THANKSGIVING DINNERDIDN'T TAKE 90 MINUTES.

YOU BETTER HAVE A BUFFET BARON YOUR BUTT WHEN I GET THERE.

AND THEN HAVE THEM LIKEWHILE YOUR HAVING INTERCOURSE

SWITCH A CHANNEL TO WATCHLIKE A DICK VAN DYKE SHOW

THAT SHE WAS REALLY LIKEIN LOVE

AND I DON'T KNOW,IT WASN'T FOR ME.

TV IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE,ON THE ROAD

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE IN SOME KINDOF REALLY SMALL LITTLE PLACE

LIKE OUTSIDE OF, I DON'T KNOW,YANKTON

AND I LOVE YANKTON,NORTH DAKOTA.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVELIKE TWO CHANNELS, MAYBE

ON THE HOTEL THING.

THEY HAVE THESE PSYCHOTICMOVIES LIKE

I SAW THIS THING.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

IT WAS-- MAYBE IT WAS ME,IT WAS CALLED

THE THREE STOOGES RELAX.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THATBEFORE IN MY LIFE.

I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,BUT IT WAS SORT OF LIKE"

"WHY I OUGHTA... NAH, I THINKI HAVE A FEVER, I DON'T KNOW."

AND THEN YOU GO, YOU KNOW,WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU TRY TO SEETHEATER ON THE ROAD

IF THERE'S NO MOVIESOR ANYTHING.

BUT SOME OF THESE ACTORSFROM L.A.

THEY GO ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

I'M SORRY, I LIKE THIS GUY, BUTPAT SAJAK'S HAMLET I FELT, HEY.

I'LL STAY HOME,I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH.

LET US PRAY.

DO YOU EVER THINK

THAT MAYBE ANYBODY WHO CAN BEELECTED PRESIDENT SHOULDN'T BE?

LOOK AT CONGRESS.

THEY BOUNCE MORE RUBBERTHAN THE MICHELIN MAN.

NO WONDER WE HAVE A THREETRILLION DOLLAR NATIONAL DEBT.

THEY THINK THERE'S MONEYLEFT IN THE BANK

BECAUSE THEY HAVE CHECKS LEFT.

"WELL, IT WAS JUSTTHE APPEARANCE OF IMPROPRIETY."

"OH, IS THAT RIGHT?

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,WE WON'T GET MAD

WE'LL JUST GIVE THE APPEARANCEOF VOTING YOU OUT OF OFFICE."

THE DEMOCRATS ARE THE WORST.

THEY CALL BILL CLINTON THE MOSTELECTABLE OF THE DEMOCRATS.

IT'S LIKE CALLING MOETHE SMART STOOGE, YOU KNOW?

( laughter )

HE'S FROM ARKANSAS.

PEOPLE IN MISSISSIPPIGET TO MAKE FUN

OF PEOPLE FROM ARKANSAS.

"HELL, LOOK AT THAT,HE'S WEARING SHOES."

ALL THE DEMOCRATS ARE USELESS.

IF THEY WERE ASKEDTO FORM A FIRING SQUAD

THEY'D ALL GET INTO A CIRCLE.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

IF THE DEMOCRATS AGREEON ANYTHING

GETTING THEM TO AGREEON ANYTHING

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO HERD CATS.

"ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THEMALL IN THE BOX.

"DAMN IT, WHERE'S JERRY?

HE'S UNDER THE STOVE,GET THE BROOM!"

JERRY BROWN'S RUNNINGAS AN OUTSIDER.

YEAH!

GUESS YOU COULD CALLNEPTUNE OUTSIDE.

KIND OF THE SHIRLEY MacLAINEOF POLITICS.

AND HE'S GOT NO MONEY,AND HE KEEPS ON RUNNING.

HE'S KIND OF LIKE THE ENERGIZERBUNNY OF THE '92 CAMPAIGN.

( laughter )

STILL GOING.

THE DEMS GOT THE COLLECTIVEKILLER INSTINCT

OF COUCH DOILIES.

IN THE LAST TEN YEARS,THE LAST 12

THE POOR HAVE GOTTEN POORER,PAY MORE TAXES, A LOT MORE.

THE RICH HAVE GOTTEN RICHER,PAY LESS TAXES, A LOT LESS.

DEMOCRATS STILL CAN'T STIRTHEIR NATURAL CONSTITUENTS

WITH A CROWBAR THE SIZEOF IDAHO.

( in a southern accent: )"THESE GUYS, I SAID

"THESE GUYS COULD FALLINTO A BARREL FULL OF TITTIES

"COME OUT SUCKING THEIR THUMB.

THUMB, THAT IS."

OH, AND DON'T NOT LAUGH BECAUSEI SAID THE WORD "TITTIES."

YES, IT'S POLITICALLY CORRECT.

WE ALL HAVE THEM, WE ALL LOVEHAVING THEM BE SUCKED.

ANYTHING MORE POLITICALLYCORRECT THAN THAT?

I HATE THAT P.C. STUFF.

"OH, HE'S NOT FAT.

HE'S GRAVITY ENHANCED."

"NO, NO, YOU MUSTN'T SAY'SHORT'--

'VERTICALLY CHALLENGED.'"

( laughter )

AND NOBODY'S BALD,THEY'RE PERSONS OF SCALP.

AND THE STUPIDARE HARD OF THINKING.

AND THE CRAZYARE LOGICALLY IMPAIRED.

SIX OF THESE GUYS HAVE FLIPPEDOUT IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

IT TOOK THE LAST GUYA YEAR AFTER HE WAS DISMISSED

BEFORE HE TOOK OUTHIS SUPERVISOR.

HE WAITED A YEAR.

ISN'T THAT JUSTLIKE A POSTAL WORKER?

( laughter )

AND NOW, ANTHONY FRANK,THE POSTMASTER GENERAL SAYS

HE'S GOING TO GO THROUGHALL THE PERSONNEL RECORDS

AND WEED OUT THE ONESWITH AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES.

YEAH?

AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOINGTO DO, FIRE THEM?

IT'S REASONING LIKE THISMAKES ME NO LONGER QUESTION

WHY GERALDO RIVERA HAS TWO SHOWS ON TELEVISION.

I DON'T USUALLY TALKABOUT TV COMMERCIALS

BUT ONE JUST DRIVES ME CRAZY,BECAUSE IT WORSHIPS STUPIDITY.

I THINK IT'S A GOVERNMENT PLOT.

I THINK IT'S A CONSPIRACY,BUT I'M PARANOID.

I'M THE AUTHOROF THE PARANOID TRILOGY--

WHAT IS IT?, WHO ARE THEY?, WHY ME?

IT'S THAT BEER COMMERCIAL,"WHY ASK WHY?"

( laughter )

"BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOWTHE ANSWER!

"THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN.

YOU'RE NOT HIDINGANYTHING ARE YOU?"

"WHY ASK WHY?"

WHY ARE WE SPENDING$20 BILLION A YEAR

OUT OF OUR DEFENSE BUDGETTO PROTECT JAPAN?

FROM WHAT?

GODZILLA?

"WHY ASK WHY?"

WHY IS ITWHEN YOU'RE $30 OVERDRAWN

IN YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNTIT'S YOUR PROBLEM;

WHEN THE S&L's ARE$600 BILLION OVERDRAWN

IT'S STILL YOUR PROBLEM!

"WHY ASK WHY?"

WHY IS ABORTION BAD,BUT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT GOOD?

IS IT BECAUSE YOU WANTTO SEE THE LOOK IN THEIR EYE

WHEN THEY FRY?

"WHY ASK WHY?"

( laughter and applause )

WELL, YOU TOOK THAT WELL.

THE STATE OF MISSOURI SAYSTHAT LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION.

SO THEY SEVERELY RESTRICTABORTIONS IN THEIR STATE.

"YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE,YOU LIVE BY MY RULES."

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

THIS KID THREE MONTHS SHORTOF HIS 21st BIRTHDAY

GOT BUSTEDFOR UNDERAGE DRINKING.

HE SUCCESSFULLY SUED MISSOURI

ARGUED THAT ACCORDINGTO THEIR ABORTION REGULATIONS

HE WAS ACTUALLY LEGAL.

"YOUR RULES, DUDE."

"MOST TRIUMPHANTTURNAROUND, TED."

"INDEED, BILL."

SO I SAY, WHY STOP THERE?

DON'T BE A WUSS.

COME ON, MISSOURI, SHOW ME.

LIFE DOESN'T BEGINAT CONCEPTION;

LIFE BEGINS AT INTENTION.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN A BAR.

WALK UP TO ANY MEMBEROF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

YOU SAY, "OKAY, LET'S DO IT!"

THEY REFUSE, YOU CAN BUST THEM.

VOLUNTARY EGG SLAUGHTER.

OR, OR, THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

SPERMICIDAL HOMICIDE.

PULL OUT YOUR BADGE.

"OKAY, REPRODUCTION SQUAD,HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

ASSUME THE POSITION."

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOANAND TWITCH AND DROOL.

AND ANYTHING YOU MOVEMAY BE HELD AGAINST ME."

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN ODD.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING.

A COUPLE OF JOKES,NO ONE LIKES THE FIRST ONE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHAT'S A SNAIL SAY WHEN HE RIDESON THE BACK OF A TURTLE?

WHEE!

( laughter and applause )

ONE MORE.

NIXON, CARTER, KENNEDYARE ON A BOAT.

THE BOAT'S GOING DOWN.

CARTER SAYS,"WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST."

NIXON SAYS, "SCREW 'EM."

KENNEDY SAYS,"DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?"

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