John Mendoza & Will Durst

  • Season 1, Ep 0127
  • 02/24/1992

YOU KNOW,LIKE GODFATHER SEQUELS.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,LIKE THE ROCKY STUFF.

I LIKE THEM, AH,WHAT'S THE NEXT ONE?

ROCKY FIGHTS CAVITIES.

I DON'T KNOW,WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

I DON'T LIKE HORROR MOVIESBECAUSE I'M SQUEAMISH

BUT I GO BECAUSE SOMEOF MY EXES LIKE TO GO.

THEY LIKE TO PULLFOR THE ANTI-CHRIST, SO I GO.

I DON'T LIKEOBLIGATORY VIOLENCE.

IF IT WORKS FOR THE STORY, FINE

BUT YOU KNOW, EVERY 20 SECONDSSOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN.

IF A COUPLE ISAT A HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA

"GEE, I THINK I'LL HAVETHAT MEAT LOAF! MEAT LOAF!"

AND A BLADE WILL SHOOTOUT OF THE BREAD

AND GO RIGHTTHROUGH THEIR BRAIN.

I MEAN, EVERY 20 SECONDS.

IT'S LIKETHE STEPHEN KING THING NOW.

YOU KNOW,HE'S A MAJOR HORROR GUY

BUT AH, IT, WHEN I SAW ITI HAD TO LAUGH, I'M SORRY.

I COULDN'T SLEEP JUST SEEINGTHE BOOK COVER, IT.

I COULDN'T SLEEP.

I WAS ALONE.

I WENT, "OH, MY GOD!

THERE'S A PRONOUNIN THE BASEMENT, OH, MY GOD!"

( laughter )

FRIGHTENING NAME OF ALL TIME.

AND JUST TO CLOSETHIS LITTLE THOUGHT

THE WORST-- I'M NOT A FATHER,I WANT TO BE--

BUT THE WORST FATHER IN FILMHISTORY WAS IN A HORROR MOVIE.

AND HE'S SO GREAT-- THE STAROF COACH HE'S WONDERFUL

BUT THIS MOVIE--

AND I LOVED POLTERGEIST ONE,BECAUSE OF THE EFFECTS

BUT I MEAN, THERE ARE GHOSTS--

YOU OPEN A DOOR ANDTHERE'S SCHWINN BIKES GOING:

( whirring )

THINGS FLYING AROUND

AND BLOOD FROM A LAMBIS SPELLING OUT

"HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?"ON THE WALL.

AND HE ACTUALLY KNOWS--AND THERE'S GHOSTS IN THE HOUSE

AND HE LEAVES HIS WIFE THEREWITH THE TWO KIDS

AFTER TEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE.

IT WAS THE SUCKIEST MOVEIN PARENTHOOD.

AND HE SAID IN THE MOVIE

"I'M GOING TO GO TO WORK,I MIGHT BE HOME LATE.

"IF YOU GET A LITTLE RESTLESS,TRY TO GET A LITTLE NAP

UP IN HELL ROOM."

AND THEN HAVE THEM LIKEWHILE YOUR HAVING INTERCOURSE

SWITCH A CHANNEL TO WATCHLIKE A DICK VAN DYKE SHOW

THAT SHE WAS REALLY LIKEIN LOVE

AND I DON'T KNOW,IT WASN'T FOR ME.

TV IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE,ON THE ROAD

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE IN SOME KINDOF REALLY SMALL LITTLE PLACE

LIKE OUTSIDE OF, I DON'T KNOW,YANKTON

AND I LOVE YANKTON,NORTH DAKOTA.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVELIKE TWO CHANNELS, MAYBE

ON THE HOTEL THING.

THEY HAVE THESE PSYCHOTICMOVIES LIKE

I SAW THIS THING.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

IT WAS-- MAYBE IT WAS ME,IT WAS CALLED

THE THREE STOOGES RELAX.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THATBEFORE IN MY LIFE.

I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,BUT IT WAS SORT OF LIKE"

"WHY I OUGHTA... NAH, I THINKI HAVE A FEVER, I DON'T KNOW."

AND THEN YOU GO, YOU KNOW,WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU TRY TO SEETHEATER ON THE ROAD

IF THERE'S NO MOVIESOR ANYTHING.

BUT SOME OF THESE ACTORSFROM L.A.

THEY GO ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

I'M SORRY, I LIKE THIS GUY, BUTPAT SAJAK'S HAMLET I FELT, HEY.

I'LL STAY HOME,I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH.