CC Presents: Nate Bargatze

  • Season 15, Ep 6
  • 01/11/2011

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?HERE'S WHAT IT IS.

GUYS, UH, WE'REJUST NOT GOOD--

GUYS ARE NOT GOOD ATMARRIAGE, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.

WE WEREN'T PREPAREDFOR IT, LIKE WOMEN ARE.

YOUR WHOLELIFE IS BUILT--

JUST PREPARATIONFOR MARRIAGE.

LOOK AT ALL-- EVERYTOY YOU PLAY WITH.

WHEN YOU'RE A BABY,THEY GIVE YOU A BABY DOLL.

SO THEY GIVE YOU A BABY,WHEN YOU'RE A BABY.

[audience laughing]

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'REALIVE YET, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"LOOK, I WOULD PROBABLYSTART FIGURING THIS OUT.

"LIKE, THIS ISWHERE IT'S GOING.

THEN THEY GIVEYOU BARBIE AND KEN.

THEY LIVE INA LITTLE HOUSE TOGETHER

AND THAT IS WHERE YOULEARN HOW TO MAKE DRAMA.

YOU GET...

[audience laughing]

[applause]

YOU GET THE BEST--YOU'RE THE BEST.

THEN YOU WOULDPLAY HOUSE.

LIKE YOU WOULDFAKE VACUUM.

JUST FAKE VACUUMWITH YOUR FRIENDS.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

IT'S WEIRD 'CAUSE LIKE WHENI SEE MY WIFE VACUUM NOW,

I'M LIKE, "SHE IS LIVINGHER CHILDHOOD DREAM.

[audience laughing]

"SHE'S MADE IT."

AS A GUY-- AS A GUYWE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT.

WHAT ARE WE, LIKE,WE PLAY FORT.

YOU GET TO KEEP EVERYBODYOUT OF WHERE YOU ARE,

ESPECIALLY GIRLS.

THE ONLY TOYS WE HAD WERETRANSFORMERS AND NINJA TURTLES.

THOSE ARE EVENREAL THINGS.

[audience laughing]

NONE OF 'EM HAD WIVES--THEY WEREN'T MARRIED.

[audience laughing]

I-I REMEMBER PLAYIN'WITH MY NINJA TURTLES

AND I HAD 'EM GOINGTO FIGHT SHREDDER

AND THEN,MICHELANGELO WAS LIKE,

"HEY, CAN YOU ALLGIVE ME TWO SECONDS?

"MY WIFE JUST SHOWED UP AND SHELOOKS FURIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING."

"WHAT-- WHAT DOYOU WANT FROM ME?"

AND SHE'S, LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING?

"WHAT'S THAT APRILSKANK DOING HERE?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "LISTEN...

[applause]

SHE'S A REPORTER."

[applause]

I GOT IN TROUBLEWITH MY WIFE

'CAUSE, LIKE, ON HERON HER LAST BIRTHDAY,

I-I GOT HER AN OVEN,ALL RIGHT, PRETTY NICE OVEN

TAKE IT EASY-- AND THEREASON I BOUGHT AN OVEN

'CAUSE LIKE I KNOW,LIKE THE VACUUM,

HER OTHER FAVORITE TOY ASA KID, WAS THE EASY-BAKE OVEN.

SO TO GO WITH HERBIG-GIRL VACUUM,

I GOT HER...

[audience laughing]

I...

[audience laughing]

[applause]

SO TO GO WITH HERBIG-GIRL VACUUM,

I GOT HER LIKE A GROWN-UP,LIKE, ADULT OVEN.

LIKE, THERE WASHEART BEHIND IT.

LIKE THAT'S NOT, YOU KNOW,LIKE THAT'S NOT IMPRESSIVE?

IF SHE CAME HOMEAND BOUGHT ME A TRUCK,

AND IT TURNEDINTO A LIVE ROBOT,

I WOULD LOOSE MY MIND!

[applause]

FREAK OUT.

I MISS THE SOUTH.I MISS GOING DOWN THERE.

LIKE, I MISS BEING ABLE TOGO TO WALMART VERY EASILY.

I'M A WALMART GUY--I LIKE 'EM.

A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T LIKE WALMART.

THEY SAYIT'S BIG BUSINESS,

LIKE IT KILLSTHE MOM AND POP SHOPS.

BUT, REALLY WALMART,

THEY WERE A MOM ANDPOP SHOP, AT SOME POINT,

AND THEN THEY GOTTHEIR ACT TOGETHER,

AND BECAMEUNBELIEVABLE.

SO, YEAH, I JUSTSTUCK WITH THEM.

THEY'RE ALWAYS OPEN.

MOM AND POP SHOPSCLOSE FOR NO REASON.

YOU GO IN THERE--YOU'RE LIKE,

"WHY ARE YOUCLOSED TODAY?"

THEY'RE LIKE,"WE'RE SAD."

YOU'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN-- THAT'S NOTEVEN A LEGIT, LEGIT THING."

WALMART, YOU COULDSHOOT THE ENTIRE STAFF,

IT WOULD BE ANHOUR OF CONFUSION

AND THEY'D BE UPAND RUNNING AGAIN.

THAT'S HOWGREAT WALMART IS.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

THE BEST.

[applause]

WENT TO SCHOOL INTENNESSEE, WHICH IS FUN.

I WENT-I WENT TO A COMMUNITYCOLLEGE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR,

AND I DO NOTHAVE ONE CREDIT.

[audience laughing]

NONE OF IT COUNTED.

THE REASON IS 'CAUSE I HADTO TAKE REMEDIAL CLASSES.

SO, WHICH "REMEDIAL"BASICALLY MEANS--

THEY'RE LIKE,"LOOK, WE HAVE NO IDEA

"HOW YOUR HIGH SCHOOLLET YOU LEAVE.

"AND WE ARE SHOCKED AND WE'REACTUALLY GONNA LOOK INTO IT.

[audience laughing]

"BUT... BUT UNTIL THEN,

"HERE'S YOUR CLASSESYOU'RE GONNA TAKE."

HERE'S WHAT I TOOK:

I TOOK MATH, LIKE,LIKE I DON'T--

LIKE THE BOOKSAID "MATH."

[audience laughing]

LIKE THAT'S WHAT--HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

THEY STOPPED CALLING IT"MATH" AFTER LIKE SIXTH GRADE.

I-I HAD TO TAKE "READING"--I TOOK "READING."

I DROVE TO THAT CLASS--I DROVE TO A "READING" CLASS.

I'M NOT EVEN AN IMMIGRANT--I AM FROM HERE.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOCKEDTHAT OUT YEARS AGO.

AND WITH "READING" I THINKTHEY WERE JUST IMPRESSED

WHEN YOU MADE ITTO THE CLASS.

"LOOK WHO MADE ITTODAY, BUDDY."

YOU'RE LIKE, "FUN, GUYS--YOU GUYS ARE GOOD-- THE BEST."

AND OH, IT SHOTDOWN MY DREAM

'CAUSE I WANTED TO PLAYCOLLEGE BASKETBALL

AND... THAT...THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT 'CAUSEI GOT CUT EVERY YEAR

FROM MY HIGH SCHOOLBASKETBALL TEAM,

SO I HAD TO PLAYFOR MY CHURCH

BECAUSE-- YEAH,THE CHURCH CANNOT CUT YOU.

THEY HAVE TO LET YOUPLAY, WHICH IS NICE.

[audience laughing]

THAT'S A GOOD,YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD BE--

I GUESS THEY COULD CUT YOU--YOU'D BE PRETTY BAD IF--

LIKE, "LOOK, WETHINK YOU'RE GOOD,

"BUT JESUS DOES NOTTHINK YOU'RE THAT GOOD.

"YEAH, HE ISOUR CAPTAIN, SO."

[applause]

AND CHURCH BALL WASA LOT DIFFERENT, TOO,

'CAUSE WE PLAYED--IT WAS A HALF COURT,

NO THREE POINT LINE--WE PLAYED ON CARPET.

THAT'S YOUR FIRST SIGNIT'S NOT GONNA COUNT.

AND THEY DIDN'TGIVE US A BASKETBALL.

WE DIDN'THAVE A BALL.

LIKE, WE WOULD JUST STANDOUT THERE AND PLAY ON HONESTY.

SO, YOU'D BE LIKE,"I JUST MADE IT."

HE'S LIKE,"OH, THAT WAS A GOOD SHOT!

"YOU'RE REALLY GOOD."

"I STOLE IT."

"I FORGIVE YOUFOR STEALING IT."

IT WAS MORAL POINTS--IT COUNTS LATER.

[audience laughing]

I GET TO GO-- LIKEI GET TO GO TO LIKE

DIFFERENT COUNTRIES ANDI-I DON'T DESERVE TO GO.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHERETHESE COUNTRIES ARE AT.

I JUST GO.

I DIDN'T LEARNABOUT ANY OF THEM.

LIKE I LEARNEDABOUT TENNESSEE.

I LEARNED ABOUT THESTATES THAT TOUCHED US

IN CASE THEY ATTACKED.

[audience laughing]

AND, YEAH, AND I WASTOLD THE REST WAS EUROPE

AND THAT'S WHEREALL THE GAYS LIVES.

SO, I DIDN'T HAVE A PASSPORT--YOU KNOW, I WAS YOUNG.

I GOTTA GO TO BAHRAINWHICH WAS FUN.

SOMEONE'S FROM BAHRAIN--ARE YOU REALLY?

THAT'S CRAZY.

I-I HAD NO IDEAIT WAS A COUNTRY,

I'LL BE HONESTWITH YOU.

THREE YEARS AGO, I WOULDHAVE CALLED YOU A LIAR

'CAUSE YOU'REFROM BAHRAIN.

[audience laughing]

I LITERALLY THOUGHT IT WASTHE GUY WE WERE MEETING.

LIKE THAT'S WHATI JUST ASSUMED.

I JUST WALKED ABOUTBAHRAIN'S AIRPORT

LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU ALLKNOW THIS GUY, BAHRAIN?

"HE'S SUPPOSEDTO MEET US HERE.

"IS HE SOMEWHERENEAR HERE?"

[audience laughing]

WHEN WE WENT TO BAHRAIN,WE WERE DOING--

WE DID COMEDYFOR THE TROOPS

WHERE I DON'T HAVE, LIKE,A HUGE FOLLOWING IN BAHRAIN.

BUT I COULD START, THOUGH,WITH THE ONE GUY RIGHT HERE.

SO, IT'S ONEAT A TIME.

I-- SO WE GO OVER THEREAND WHEN YOU DO COME,

YOU STAY ONTHE ARMY BASE,

BUT ON BAHRAIN, YOU COULDACTUALLY LEAVE THE BASE

AND GO TO LIKETHE DOWNTOWN BAHRAIN, SO...

[audience laughing]

THEY TELL YOUWHEN YOU GO OUT THERE,

THEY'RE LIKE,"LOOK, IT'S SAFE

"JUST DON'T DRAWATTENTION TO YOURSELF."

SO THEY'RE LIKE, "DON'T WEARAMERICAN T-SHIRTS AND STUFF."

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FAIR

"NO AMERICANT-SHIRTS.

"SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DOABOUT THE WHITE ON MY SKIN?"

[audience laughing]

YEAH... THAT'S PROBABLYGONNA BE THE ISSUE, IF I...

I DON'T WANT 'EMTO COME OVER LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME--ARE YOU MUSLIM?"

"UH, SOUTHERNMUSLIM, ACTUALLY.

[audience laughing]

"'CAUSE MY DADWAS A DEACON, SO."

YOU KNOW WHEREI REALLY WANNA GO VISIT?

UH, CAMBODIA--THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT, GUYS.

LIKE, AND I DON'TKNOW WHERE IT'S AT,

BUT I KNOW THAT'SWHERE IT'S AT.

[audience laughing]

SO THAT'S THEGOOD PART, YOU KNOW.

HERE'S WHAT THEYHAVE IN CAMBODIA.

THIS IS A FORREAL, LEGIT

TOURIST ATTRACTIONTHAT THEY HAVE.

YOU CAN SHOOT A ROCKETLAUNCHER AT A COW.

[audience laughing]

YEAH, THAT'S ONE OFTHEIR OPTIONS, ALL RIGHT.

AND I KNOWYOU'RE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT-- I BETIT'S PRICEY, SO."

[audience laughing]

NO, IT'S NOT,ACTUALLY.

IT'S VERY REASONABLYPRICED, WHICH IS NICE.

IT'S ONLY $400 BUCKS.

THAT'S NOT THATBAD OF A DEAL

TO SHOOT A ROCKETLAUNCHER AT A COW.

[audience laughing]

AND IF YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL,WHAT IF WE DON'T HIT IT?

"YOU KNOW, IS IT REALLY WORTHIT TO TAKE THE FAMILY THERE?"

YES, IT IS.

ALL RIGHT,NO ONE HITS IT.

NO ONE SHOOTS IT, LIKEI GOTTA DO THIS A LOT AT HOME.

LIKE THIS IS KIND OF--AND THEY'RE GOOD DUDES.

THEY GIVE YOU $200 BUCKSBACK IF YOU DON'T HIT IT.

SO, THAT'SA GOOD BUSINESS.

WHY WOULD YOU NOT SUPPORTA BUSINESS LIKE THAT?

I-- MY FAVORITETHING WAS LIKE

HOW THEY HAD TO COME UPWITH THAT PRICE, $400 BUCKS.

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOUGAUGING THAT OFF OF?

LIKE SOMEONE'SLIKE, "$500."

"LET'S NOT GETGREEDY WITH IT.

"I FEEL-- I'VE BEENDOING SOME STUDIES

"AND YOU CAN FISTFIGHT A GOAT

"FOR $100 BUCKSDOWN THE STREET.

"HE'S NOT EVEN INTO IT--WE'RE USING EQUIPMENT, SO.

THAT WOULD BE ANUNBELIEVABLE WAY TO HUNT,

A ROCKET LAUNCHER.

THEY JUST SHOOT LIKE,AT THE WOODS AND KILL.

THAT'S LIKE A BUFFET--YOU KILL LIKE A LOT OF STUFF.

[audience laughing]

THAT'S NICE--THAT'D BE FUN.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

CAREFUL-- I DO.

YEAH, I JUSTREAD, ABOUT, UH,

THERE'S THIS NEW DEVISEYOU CAN BUY FOR YOUR CAR

AND IT'S GOT, IT'SLIKE A KEYLESS DEVISE

AND YOU PRESS, IT'S GOTA HEARTBEAT DETECTOR ON IT,

SO YOU AIM IT AT YOURCAR, YOU PRESS IT.

IF IT FLASHES, THAT MEANS,LIKE, SOMEONE IS IN YOUR CAR

AND THEY'RE GONNAKILL YOU, ALL RIGHT?

[audience laughing]

IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD--SO, YOU PRESS IT.

IF YOU WANNA BUY IT,IT'S LIKE $550 BUCKS.

IF YOU DO NOTHAVE THAT MONEY,

YOU CAN DO THEOLD-SCHOOL ROUTE

WHICH IS JUST LOOKIN THE WINDOW.

THAT-- IT'S EITHER WAY,REALLY, IT'S UP TO YOU.

I TOLD ONE GUY THATHE TRIED TO TELL ME

IT WAS FOR LIKE WHEN PEOPLELEAVE THEIR BABIES IN THEIR CAR.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,LIKE WHEN YOU GO OUT

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"I CANNOT REMEMBER

"IF I BROUGHTMY BABY TODAY.

[audience laughing]

"AND... I DON'T WANNA WALKALL THE WAY BACK AND CHECK.

"LIKE, WHAT IFIT'S NOT THERE?

"IF IT'S NOT THERE, I'MGONNA LOOK LIKE A JACK ASS

"IN FRONT OFMY FRIENDS."

"I WISH I COULDCHECK SECRETLY

"WITHOUT EVERYBODYKNOWING."

HERE'S MY METHOD FOR IFSOMEONE'S GONNA HIDE IN MY CAR,

AND THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME--IT'S A HUGE FEAR OF MINE.

SO, WHAT I DO IS, UH,RIGHT WHEN I START MY CAR,

I HAVE JOURNEY, "DON'T STOPBELIEVING" IN MY CD PLAYER.

SO RIGHT WHENI START IT,

IT'S RIGHT ON THE"DON'T STOP BELIEVING" PART,

'CAUSE IT'SA GREAT SONG.

LIKE YOU COULDN'T COMMITA MURDER TO THAT SONG.

THAT IS THATGOOD OF A SONG.

THAT GUY WOULD WANT TO AND THENHE WOULD LIKE JUST BE FURIOUS.

HE'S JUST GETUP AND BE LIKE,

"LOOK, THAT'S A,THAT'S A REALLY GOOD TUNE.

"ALL RIGHT--YOU GOT ME."

AND THEN HE'D CLIMBUP FRONT WITH YOU

AND YOU'DBECOME FRIENDS.

AND THAT-THAT'SJUST A NEAT STORY.

LIKE, "HOW DOYOU KNOW DENNIS?"

"DENNIS, HEWAS A MURDERER.

"TURNS OUT PRETTYBIG 'JOURNEY' FAN.

"ACTUALLY, A GOOD GUY,ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.

"HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD--HE'S A GOOD GUY."

[applause]

SO I'M MARRIED.

SO WE HAVE A LOT OF MARRIEDPEOPLE HERE TONIGHT?

A FEW, SOME--THAT'S FUN.

IT'S FUN--I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE BEEN MARRIEDFOUR YEARS NOW AND, UH,

IT-IT'S GETTING PRETTYSERIOUS, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

[audience laughing]

A LOT... A LOT MORESERIOUS THAN I THOUGHT.

I ALWAYS HAVE, LIKEI GOT OTHER BUDDIES

THAT ARE GETTINGMARRIED NOW.

SO THEY ALWAYS LIKEWANNA COME TALK TO ME.

SO, LIKE,I ALWAYS TELL THEM.

THEY'RE LIKE,"WHAT'S IT LIKE?"

I'M LIKE,"HERE'S WHAT IT IS."

I'LL JUSTTELL EVERYBODY.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE-- DOYOU EVER GO TO A CONCERT

AND YOU SEEA MOSH PIT?

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I'M GONNA GO GETIN THAT MOSH PIT."

[audience laughing]

BUT THEN, ONCEYOU GET IN IT,

YOU'RE LIKE, "I DO NOT WANNABE IN THIS MOSH PIT, AT ALL.

"I AM GONNA LEAVEAND GO GET SOME BEER."

THEN THE MOSH PIT'S LIKE,"DIDN'T YOU DRINK LAST NIGHT?"

"ALL RIGHT, MOSH PIT, WHYDON'T YOU GET OFF MY BACK

"AND LET MELIVE MY LIFE.

[audience laughing]

WHY?

MY WIFE'S GOOD, THOUGH.

SHE PUT UP-- SHE PUT UPTHROUGH A TON WITH ME.

LIKE SHE-- I REMEMBER THREEMONTHS INTO OUR-OUR MARRIAGE.

ONE NIGHT, I CAME HOME ANDI WAS LIKE REALLY DRUNK.

I WAS HAMMERED ANDI KNOW SHE LOVES THAT, SO...

[audience laughing]

I SPOILED HERA LITTLE BIT.

I'M LIKEA PRETTY DECENT GUY.

SO... WE GO TO BEDAND, UH, ALL RIGHT--

I'LL BE HONEST WITHYOU-- I PEED THE BED.

[audience laughing]

YEAH--I SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I WAS PRETTYGOOD, THOUGH.

I KINDA, LIKE,BLAMED IT ON HER.

LIKE I... I REMEMBERI JUST WOKE UP AND I GO,

"HEY, UH, WHAT'SWET, ALL RIGHT?

"DID YOU POUR A PERFECTCIRCLE OF WATER UNDERNEATH ME?

"A FLAWLESS CIRCLE?"

[audience laughing]

SHE... SHE WAS LIKE,"NO, YOU PEED THE BED.

"WHAT IS WRONGWITH YOU?

"DID I MARRY YOUOR DID I HAVE YOU?

"I HAVE NO IDEA...AT THIS POINT."

[applause]

ANIMALS HAVE IT THE WORST.THE WORST.

THEY DIETERRIBLE DEATHS.

I HEARD A STORY--THIS KID, HE HAD TWO GOLDFISH,

SO HE GRABBED ONE OF THEM,HE SQUEEZED IT, IT EXPLODED.

YEAH, THAT'SPRETTY CRAZY.

I DON'T FEEL BADFOR THAT GOLDFISH.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,HE DIED QUICKLY.

I FEEL BAD FORTHE OTHER GOLDFISH

THAT JUST HAS TO DEALWITH THAT TRAUMA NOW.

[audience laughing]

YOU KNOW HOWINSANE THAT WOULD BE?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA GO BUYTHIS KID ANOTHER FISH.

HE'S KILLIN' 'EMLIKE HE'S GOTTA--

IMAGINE IF YOU'RE LOCKEDIN A ROOM WITH SOMEONE

AND THEY JUST EXPLODED.

IT WOULD CHANGEYOUR LIFE FOREVER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "CAN I GETSOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO."--YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?

"I JUST GOTTA DEAL WITHTHIS IN MY OWN HEAD?

"THIS IS THEWORST LIFE EVER."

I STILL LIKE TOEAT ANIMALS, TOO.

LIKE, I DON'T-- THAT STORYDOESN'T HAVE "NOT EAT ANIMALS."

I-I LIKECHICKEN A LOT.

I'M A BIGFAN OF CHICKEN.

IT'S WEIRD NOW, BECAUSE I WENTTO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY

TO BUY SOME ANDWHEN I WAS THERE--

NOW THEY HAVE LIKE TWO KINDSOF CHICKEN THAT YOU CAN BUY.

SO THEY HAVE A FREERANGE CHICKEN, IS ONE,

AND THEN, THEY HAVE I GUESSLIKE A NOT FREE RANGE...

LIKE I THINK HISPARENTS WERE DIVORCED

OR SOME--I DON'T-I DON'T KNOW.

SO, THEY WANT YOU TO EATTHE FREE RANGE CHICKEN,

WHICH IS THE CHICKEN THATIS ALLOWED TO ROAM FREE.

UH, OBVIOUSLYNOT NOW.

LIKE HE IS DEADAT THE STORE.

[audience laughing]

BUT THEY STILL HAVE A LISTOF HIS HOBBIES ON THE PACKAGE,

WHICH I THOUGHT, "THAT-THAT'SPRETTY NICE OF 'EM, YOU KNOW."

BUT I-I DON'T WANNAEAT THAT CHICKEN.

I FEEL BAD-- I DON'T EATA CHICKEN THAT HAD A DREAM,

AND THAT WAS THAT CHICKEN--LIFE WAS GREAT FOR THAT GUY.

I JUST WANT A MISERABLE,NOT FREE-RANGE CHICKEN.

I WANNA EAT A CHICKENTHAT WHEN THEY KILLED IT,

HE WAS LIKE, "LOOK, I'MREADY FOR THIS, ALL RIGHT?

"THIS IS BRUTAL!

[applause]

"THIS IS THE WORST."

OH, WHEN I WAS AT, UH, WHENI WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE,

I GOT CAUGHT LIKE IN THISWEIRD LIKE THING WITH THIS DUDE,

SO I WASSTANDING IN LINE

AND I WAS BEHINDTHIS GUY, THIS WHITE GUY

AND I WALK-- HE PULLEDOUT THE WHITE RACE CARD.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUALL KNEW WE HAD A CARD,

BUT, HE,LIKE, HAD ONE.

SO... I'M STANDINGBEHIND HIM

AND I JUST HEARHIM, LIKE, ARGUE.

I COULD HEAR HIMJUST GO LIKE,

"WHAT IS IT,'CAUSE I'M WHITE?

"IS THAT WHY YOU'RE DOINGTHIS, 'CAUSE I'M WHITE?"

AND HE LOOKED AT MELIKE I'M HIS BROTHER.

LIKE, "HEY, ARE YOUGONNA GET INVOLVED?

"YOU GONNA-- COME ON?"

I WAS LIKE SITTING THERE--I WAS LIKE, "NO.

"I-I'M NOT GETTINGINVOLVED IN THIS.

"I'M NOT READY FORSOMETHING LIKE THIS.

"I THINK, I THINK YOU'RETHE FIRST GUY EVER TO TRY THIS,

"TO BE HONEST WITH YA.

[audience laughing]

"I'M NOTPREPARED, AT ALL.

"IF YOU WANTEDME TO HELP YOU,

"YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLEDME ASIDE EARLIER.

"YOU SHOULD HAVEGRABBED ME, LIKE,

"'LOOK, I'M GONNAMAKE HISTORY TODAY.'

"'DO YOU WANNA BEA PART OF THIS OR NOT?

"'IT'S YOUR CALL.'"

[applause]

TO BE HERE.

VERY FUN TO BEIN NEW YORK.

I, UH, I LIVE HERE,SO WHAT'S WHY IT'S FUN.

[audience laughing]

I'M FROM TENNESSEE,THOUGH, ORIGINALLY,

AND I STILL HAVEA LITTLE BIT OF AN ACCENT,

'CAUSE, LIKE, PEOPLE HEARIT AND THEY ALWAYS COME UP,

AND THEY'REALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, WHAT'S UP--WHERE'S YOUR ACCENT FROM?"

I'M LIKE "TENNESSEE."

THEY'RE LIKE,"OH, THAT'S COOL.

"I HAVE A COUSIN THATLIVES IN FLORIDA."

[audience laughing]

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T EVEN--ARE WE JUST NAMING STATES?

IS THAT WHAT'SGOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT.

WHEN I MOVED TONEW YORK, THOUGH--

IT'S FUNNY--IT'S LIKE NEW YORK ACTS

LIKE IT'SA BIG MELTING POT,

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE ALLTHE DIFFERENT CULTURES.

"OH, WE ALL MELTTOGETHER" AND EVERYTHING.

AND THEN, YOU MOVEHERE AND YOU REALIZE,

IT'S NOT A MELTINGPOT AT ALL.

IT'S ACTUALLYA BUNCH OF POTS

THAT WANNA LIVE NEXTTO THEIR OWN KINDS OF POTS,

AND NOT TALKTO OTHER POTS.

[audience laughing]

YEAH.

[applause]

IT'S GOOD STUFF--IT'S GOOD.

MY LANDLORD IS A CHINESEPOT AND... WHICH IS FUN,

'CAUSE SHE'LL-- SHE ONLYHIRED LIKE OLD CHINESE DUDES

TO FIX HER STUFF.

SO, LIKE, WHENTHEY COME OVER,

THEY DON'TSPEAK ENGLISH,

AND, LIKE, I'M NOT GONNALEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

[audience laughing]

UH, I HAVE BARELYKNOCKED THIS ONE OUT.

SO... SO WHENHE FIXES STUFF,

YOU JUST HOPE HE DOESTHE RIGHT THING, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE YOU CAN'TTELL HIM NOT--

IF HE COMES OVER ANDSTARTS FIXING THE COUCH,

YOU'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT.

"I GUESS THAT'S WHATHE'S FIXING TODAY.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY WE WOULDASK HIM TO DO THAT, BUT."

ONE DAY, HE CAME OVERAND OUR GAS HEAT BROKE,

SO HE COMESOVER TO FIX IT,

AND I'M STANDINGOUTSIDE AND I SEE HIM,

LIKE, HE'SLIKE DOWNSTAIRS

AND YOU SEE LIKE A FIREBALLJUST EXPLODE, LIKE AT HIM.

SO, LIKE, HE, LIKE, LIGHTSIT-- HE RUNS OUTSIDE

AND YOU GET, LIKE--WE'RE BOTH STANDING THERE

AND YOU COULDJUST SEE THAT, LIKE

WE BOTH WISH WE COULD TALKTO EACH OTHER AT THAT POINT.

[audience laughing]

WE'RE JUST,LIKE [indistinctÑ.

[audience laughing]

"THAT'S ALL I GOT.

"I GOT NOTHIN',NOTHIN'."

[applause]

Loading...