CC Presents: Brian Kiley

  • Season 10, Ep 19
  • 04/20/2006

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THIS IS A VERY BIG TIME FOR ME.

TWO MONTHS AGOAFTER ALL THESE YEARS,I FINALLY TIED THE KNOT.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- THANKS. THANK YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHO ELSE HAS HAD A VASECTOMY.

BUT-- WHEW--IT WAS NOT EASY.I'LL TELL YA.

WHEN MY WIFE FIRST GOT PREGNANT, I DIDN'T REALIZE,

SHE WASN'T FEELING WELL. I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT.

THEN SHE STARTED THROWING UP EVERY MORNING AND PUTTING ON WEIGHT.

AND THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME. SHE'S GOT A DRINKING PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT, SHE WOULD GET THESE CRAVINGS

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. SHE WOULD GET THESE CRAVINGS

FOR OTHER MEN,WHICH IS SO FRUSTRATING.

- BUT-- - [LAUGHTER]

SO, WE HAVE TWO KIDS. WE HAVE AND EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY AND A SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

AND THEY'RE BOTH AT SUCHA CUTE AGE, YOU KNOW.

OUR BABY-SITTER IS 22 WHICH IS ALSO A CUTE AGE I'VE NOTICED.

AND WE PICKED OUT KINDA OLD-FASHIONED NAMES FOR OUR KIDS.

OUR LITTLE BOY'S HUNTER.AND OUR LITTLE GIRL IS GATHERER.

[LAUGHTER]

NAMES YOU DON'T HEAR A LOT OF ANYMORE BUT AH...

'COURSE, LIKE ANY PARENT, I WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE

ALL THE ADVANTAGES IN LIFETHAT I NEVER HAD.

SO, WE'VE STARTED PUTTING MONEY ASIDE-- FOR HIS HAIR WEAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THOSE THINGS ARE EXPENSIVE. WHEN HE WAS REALLY LITTLE,

MY WIFE USED TO DRESS HIM UP IN THIS LITTLE SAILOR'S SUIT.

THEN HE WOULDN'T STOP CURSING.

ASKED ME WHERE HE COULD FIND SOME ACTION IN THIS TOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

HAVING DINNER LAST NIGHT, MY SIX-YEAR-OLD TURNED TO ME

AND SAID, "DAD, WHEN I GROW UP, I'M GONNA MARRY YOU."

WE LAUGHED ABOUT IT. MY WIFE SAID,

"DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I DID."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T PROPOSE PUBLICLY.

I WAS AT A BASEBALL GAME LAST SUMMER.

THIS PLANE FLEW OVERHEAD WITH THIS BANNER THAT SAID,

"ANN, WILL YOU MARRY ME? DAVE."

APPARENTLY ANN SAID "NO" BECAUSE THIS OTHER PLANE SHOWED UP

AND SHOT THE FIRST PLANE DOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE GONNA GET ENGAGED, DON'T DO WHAT I DID

'CAUSE I GOT THE RING BY MYSELF.

YOU SHOULD REALLY GO WITH HERTO GET THE RING,

'CAUSE IT WASN'TWHAT SHE WANTED.

I HAD TO TRY TO RETURN IT. AND THE VAN WASN'T THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE DEFINITELY CHANGEDNOW THAT I'M MARRIED.

ONE THING I NEVER DONOW THAT I'M MARRIED IS

I NEVER CHECK OUT OTHER WOMEN.

- [SNICKERS] - [LAUGHTER]

I LET MY WIFE DO IT FOR ME. WE'RE WALKING SOMEWHERE.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "DO YOU SEE THAT WOMAN OVER THERE

WITH THE SKIRT UP TO HERE?"

- "I ALMOST MISSED HER. - [LAUGHTER]

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO I GREW UP IN NEW ENGLAND. I GREW UP IN A MOBILE HOME

SO I NEVER HAD TO MOW THE LAWN OR SHOVEL SNOW.

PLUS, YOU LEARN A LOTWHEN YOU LIVE IN A MOBILE HOME.

DID YOU KNOW THE AVERAGE JEHOVAH WITNESS CAN RUN 35 MILES AN HOUR?

- [LAUGHTER] - THEY'RE AMAZING.

I LOVE THE NORTHEAST, THOUGH.

I GOT IN A BIZARRE SKIING ACCIDENT LAST WINTER. I COLLIDED WITH THIS GUY--

- ON HIS NORDIC TRACK... - [LAUGHTER]

- STAYING AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LIKE JUST ABOUT EVERY SPORT.

I WENT HUNTING FOR THE FIRST TIME. I SHOT AN ELK.

I FELT REALLY BAD AT FIRST. BUT THE GUY WAS WEARING

- A PLAID LEISURE SUIT SO... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY UNCLE'S AN ELK, YOU KNOW.

I'M NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT MY RELATIVES.

AND I LOVE MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

BUT DON'T YOU LOOK AT YOUR RELATIVES,

YOU CAN'T BELIEVEYOU'RE ACTUALLY RELATED TO THESE PEOPLE?

I GIVE BLOOD FOUR TIMES A YEARJUST SO I'M LESS AND LESS

- RELATED TO THESE PEOPLE. - [LAUGHTER]

NOT SURE IT WORKS LIKE THAT.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I HAD THIS ONE AUNT.

SHE USED TO ALWAYS CALL ME BY MY BROTHER'S NAME.

I MEAN, A MILLION TIMES,EVERY TIME I SAW HER.

AND FINALLY I JUST SNAPPED. I SAID, "YOU ARE THE BIGGEST,

SIMPLETON IDIOT PINHEAD I HAVE EVER MET."

SHE GOT ALL UPSET, CALLED MY PARENTS, TOLD ON ME.

MY BROTHER GOT SCREWED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAW MY OLD GIRLFRIEND FROM COLLEGE.

AND WHEN WE WERE IN SCHOOL, SHE WAS A BUSINESS MAJOR.

AND NOW SHE'S A NURSE, WHICH I DIDN'T EXPECT.

AND SHE'S A MALE NURSE, WHICH I REALLY DIDN'T EXPECT.

- YEAH. - [LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T DO TOO WELL IN COLLEGE.

THE ONLY CLASS I DID WELL IN WAS PSYCHOLOGY.

MY TERM PAPER ON DREAMSWAS ACTUALLY PUBLISHED.

- DO YOU READ PENTHOUSE? - [LAUGHTER]

- I WAS A GUY NAMED JOJO. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO, I STUDIED PSYCHOLOGY AT SCHOOL.

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUTBECOMING A PSYCHOLOGIST.

BUT THEN I REALIZED I'D HAVE TO GIVE UP DOING THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT JUSTWOULDN'T BE ME AND SO...

MY NIECE IS A SOPHOMOREAT WEST POINT.

SHE'S ALREADY HAD 5 MAJORS AND 3 CAPTAINS AND 2 LIEUTENANTS.

SHE'S A VERY... SLUTTY YOUNG WOMAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL.

MY SISTER, WHEN SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,SHE WENT OUT WITH

THE CAPTAIN OF THE CHESS TEAM.AND MY PARENTS LOVED HIM

BECAUSE HE WAS THE CAPTAIN OF THE CHESS TEAM.

THEY FIGURED ANY GUY THAT TOOK THREE HOURS TO MAKE A MOVE

- WAS OKAY BY THEM. - [LAUGHTER]

INGENIOUS.

WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS IN THE FRENCH CLUB.

WE DIDN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING.EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

WE'D SURRENDER TO THE GERMAN CLUB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL IT WAS BEFORE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

OUR SCHOOL NICKNAME, WE WERE THE FIGHTING INDIANS.

WE HAD A KID DRESSED UPLIKE AN ACTUAL INDIAN

WHO USED TO DANCE AROUND THE FIELD BEFORE EVERY GAME.

ALL OUR GAMES WERE RAINED OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY NEPHEW'S IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW.

HE'S PART OF THE ABSTINENCE SOCIETY

WHERE A GROUP OF STUDENTS HAVE PLEDGED TO MAINTAIN

THEIR VIRGINITY.WE HAD SOMETHING SIMILARIN MY HIGH SCHOOL.

- IT'S CALLED THE MATH CLUB. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THOSE GUYS ARESTILL HANGING IN THERE.

THERE'S ALL THESE STORIES IN THE NEWS NOW ABOUT THESE

HOT TEACHERS HAVING SEX WITHTHESE MALE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.

WHEN DID THIS START? THE GOOD NEWS IS AFTER SEEING THESE STORIES,

MY BROTHER'S DECIDED TO GO BACK AND GET HIS DEGREE.

- [LAUGHTER] - SO I'M VERY HAPPY.

YOU TAKE THE SAT'SWHEN YOU WERE IN SCHOOL?

Audience: YES.

I GOT CAUGHT CHEATING ON THE SAT'S.IT WAS SO STUPID.

I HAD WRITTEN ONE OF THE ANSWERS DOWN ON MY HAND.

- THE LETTER "B." - [LAUGHTER]

I GET TO ONE I DON'T KNOW.

- "B." - [LAUGHTER]

- "B" AGAIN.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO A NEIGHBORHOOD THAT WAS NOT VERY TOUGH AT ALL.

EVEN OUR SCHOOL BULLY WAS ONLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, YOU KNOW.

HE WOULDN'T TAKE YOU TO LUNCH. HE'D JUST GO,

"YOU'RE GONNA EAT ALL THAT? OKAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEVER FORGETMY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

MY PARENTS DROPPED ME OFF AT THE WRONG NURSERY.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY.I'M SURROUNDED BY TREES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I REMEMBER MY KINDERGARTEN TEACHER HATED ME.

SHE USED TO FIND ANY EXCUSE TO PICK ON ME, ESPECIALLY DURING NAPTIME.

LIKE I'M THE ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD THAT SLEEPS NAKED.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS TUCKING MY SON IN LAST NIGHT.

HE TELLS ME THAT HE HATES HIS TEACHER.SHE'S AN IDIOT.

AND SHE'S OUT TO GET HIM, WHICH IS THE LAST THING

YOU WANNA HEAR WHEN YOUR KID'S HOME SCHOOLED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS ATPUBLIC SCHOOL LAST YEAR.

WE HAD OUR TEACHER'S CONFERENCE.

AND EVERY TIME THE TEACHER POINTED OUT ONE OF HIS FAULTS,

IT COINCIDENTALLY HAPPENS TO BEONE OF MY FAULTS.

"HE'S A TERRIBLE LISTENER." "I SEE."

"AND HE DAYDREAMSALL THE TIME." "UH-HUH."

"AND HE PUTS EVERYTHING OFFTILL THE LAST MINUTE."

I'M LIKE "DOES HE ALSO MAKE BAD FINANCIAL DECISIONS?

DOES HE DRINK WHEN HE'S DEPRESSED?" HOW FAR DOES THIS GO?

IN KINDERGARTEN, HE HAD A LITTLE CRUSH ON HIS TEACHER,WHICH I THINK IS NORMAL.

I THINK FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE,

THERE'S ONE TEACHERTHAT YOU HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON.

AND FOR ME, IT'S MYWIFE'S AEROBIC TEACHER. SHE'S PRETTY HOT.

I WAS A BED-WETTER WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

'COURSE, I SLEEPWALKED TOO, SO I COULD WET 3 OR 4 BEDS IN THE COURSE OF AN EVENING.

[LAUGHTER]

DIDN'T HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS IN SUMMER CAMP.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, MY BROTHER AND MY BIRTHDAY ARE ABOUT A WEEK APART.

WHEN WE TURNED 14 AND 16 FOR OUR BIRTHDAY PARTY MY DAD HIRED A CLOWN.

NOT TO ENTERTAIN US, BUT JUST TO SHOW US

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO USIF WE DIDN'T STUDY HARD AND GO TO COLLEGE.

[LAUGHTER]

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

ONE THINGI NOTICED ABOUT PARENTS,

PARENTS ALWAYS MAKE RIDICULOUS PREDICTIONS ABOUT THEIR KIDS.

THE DAY MY LITTLE BOY WAS BORN, A FRIEND OF MINE CALLED ME

'CAUSE HIS LITTLE GIRLWAS BORN THE DAY BEFORE.

HE GOES, "WHO KNOWS, MAYBETHEY'LL END UP GETTING MARRIED."

MY LITTLE BOY'S A DAY OLD, HIS LITTLE GIRL'S TWO DAYS OLD,

HE'S NOT GONNA MARRY SOMEONE TWICE HIS AGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SO STUPID, YOU KNOW.

DID YOUR PARENTS EVER GIVE THE OLD,

"WHEN I WAS YOUNG AGE" THING?I CAN REMEMBER

BEING FIVE YEARS OLD MY FATHER SAY TO ME, "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,

I WAS A CADDIE AT A GOLF COURSE."

I'D SAY, "DAD, YOU'RE STILL A CADDIE AT A GOLF COURSE."

IT HASN'T HELPED YOU ONE BIT.

MY PARENTS ARE FUNNY. FROM TIME TO TIME,

MY MOTHER PUTS ON HER WEDDING DRESS.

NOT BECAUSE SHE'S SENTIMENTAL,

SHE JUST GETS REALLY FAR BEHIND IN HER LAUNDRY.

SHE'S WALKING THE MALL.PEOPLE ARE GOING,

- "WHAT IS THAT?" - [LAUGHTER]

'COURSE NOW THAT I'M A DAD, I'LL ASK FOR ADVICE.

HE ALWAYS SAYS THE SAME THING. "HOW'D YOU GET THIS NUMBER?"

- GEE. - [LAUGHTER]

SO NOT HELPFUL.

VERY STRANGE MAN, MY FATHER. MY FATHER'S ALLERGIC TO COTTON.

HE HAS PILLS HE CAN TAKE.

BUT HE CAN'T GET THEM OUTTA THE BOTTLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW THAT HE'S RETIRED, HE'S GONE BACK TO COLLEGE.

AND WE'RE VERYPROUD OF HIM, YOU KNOW.

EXCEPT WHEN HE COMES HOME FROM A KEG PARTY AND PEES OUT THE WINDOW.

- [LAUGHTER] - THEN WE'RE NOT AS PROUD.

BUT WE FLEW DOWN TO FLORIDATO VISIT MY DAD.

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF CALLING IN SICK FROM THE AIRPORT.

DID YOU EVER DO THIS?DON'T DO THIS.

RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO SAYWHY I COULDN'T COME IN,

YOU COULD HEAR, "FLIGHT 709 IS NOW BOARDING.

FLIGHT 709 IS NOW BOARDING." SO, I SAID, "I CAN'T COME IN.

- I'M HEARING VOICES." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WENT ON VACATION LAST YEAR.

I WAS IN SUCH A RUSH TO GET THE AIRPORT.

I GOT THERE I REALIZED I FORGOT MY LUGGAGE.

I FELT SO STUPID CARRYING MY CLOTHES IN A BIG PILE.

- [LAUGHTER] - WELL, WHO WOULDN'T?

TOOK ME HOURS TO GET ALL MY STUFF OFF THAT BELT.

- I'M STILL MISSING SOCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

I DO SO MANY STUPID THINGS.

WE HAD A BLACKOUTLAST SUMMER AT MY HOUSE

AND I COULDN'T FIND A FLASHLIGHT OR ANY CANDLES.

BUT IN THE MEDICINE CABINET, I FOUND AN OLD

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOMAND HAD TO PUT THAT ON.

THEN MY WIFE COMES HOME.

IT'S STILL PITCH BLACK EXCEPT FOR...

- A FLICKER OF LIGHT. - [LAUGHTER]

SHE THINKS THERE'SA FIREFLY IN THE HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STARTS SWATTING ME WITH A MAGAZINE.

SHE'S LIKE"I'M TRYING TO KILL IT.

IT KEEPS GETTING BRIGHTER."

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT. MAYBEYOU DIDN'T NEED TO HAVETHAT IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD THIS SUDDEN REALIZATION LAST NIGHT, THIS EPIPHANY, IF YOU WILL.

IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT, I WAS IN MY KITCHEN ALONE,

AND I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL MY KIDS ARE

AND HOW BEAUTIFUL MY WIFE IS AND HOW LUCKY I AM.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME. I AM REALLY DRUNK.

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE TRAVELS A LOT WITH HER JOB. SHE'S A DRUG MULE.

- [LAUGHTER] - THEY ARE ALWAYS ON THE GO.

I LOVE MY WIFE BUT SOME OF HER HABITS DRIVE ME CRAZY.

SHE BRUSHES HER TEETH WITH BAKING SODA, SO HER BREATH

ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE WHATEVER'S IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

- [LAUGHTER] - THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

SHE ADMITTED TO ME RECENTLY THAT WHEN WE FIRST MET,

SHE DIDN'T REALLY LIKE ME VERY MUCH.

BUT LUCKILY FOR ME, SHE REALLY WANTED TO STAY IN THIS COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY, OUR KIDS MADE US BREAKFAST IN BED.

AND THEY WEREN'T THE BEST BLOODY MARYS I EVER HAD,

- BUT VERY THOUGHTFUL. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU COULD TELL I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR AWHILE.

WENT TO THE DOCTOR'S LAST WEEK.

HE SAID, "HAVE YOU HAD SEX IN THE LAST SEVEN DAYS?"

AND I SAID, "NO.MY BIRTHDAY'S IN APRIL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S COMING UP AND I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT THIS YEAR. I REALLY AM.

I'M NOT ONE OF THESE GUYS THAT BRAGS ABOUT SEX.

I HATE THAT. MY NEIGHBOR DOES THIS TO ME EVERY DAY.

HE GIVES ME HIS DETAILED STORIES ABOUT HIM AND HIS WIFE

FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE,LIKE I WASN'T WATCHING.

- [LAUGHTER] - SO STUPID.

SO DIFFERENT BEING A PARENT THESE DAYS THOUGH.

I WAS WITH MY SON THE OTHER DAYHE TOLD ME HIS BEST FRIEND BILLY

HAS TWO MOMMIES AND I THOUGHT WOW--

BILLY'S DADDY'S A LUCKY GUY.MY WIFE WOULD NEVER GO FOR THAT.

I HAVE TO SAY I GET MUCH MORE EXCITED ABOUT MY KIDS' LIVES

IT WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

AND I REALIZE IT'S JUST T-BALL AND I KNOW HE'S ON STEROIDS.

- BUT STILL. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE A LOT OF DADS, IT'S MY DREAM THAT MY SON

WILL GROW UP TO BE THE NEXT TIGER WOODS.

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF HE PLAYS GOLF.

I JUST WANT HIM TO MARRY A HOT SWEDISH MODEL, YOU KNOW? I WOULD BE SO PROUD.

IT'S BEEN A BIG YEARFROM MY EIGHT-YEAR-OLD.

TWO MONTHS AGO HE MADE HIS FIRST CONFESSION.

TOOK THE COPSFOUR HOURS TO BREAK HIM.

- [LAUGHTER] - HE'S GOT SOME WILLPOWER.

YOU HAVE TO FIELD SOME TOUGH QUESTIONS WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT.

MY KIDS CAME BACK VISITING MY GRANDMOTHER RECENTLY

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "DAD, DOES NANA REALLY HAVE TO DIE?"

LIKE, WELL SHE DIDCOMMIT A CAPITAL CRIME.

- [LAUGHTER] - THOSE ARE THE RULES.

KIDS WILL SURPRISE YOU.THE OTHER DAY,

MY LITTLE BOYTALKED BACK TO MY WIFE.

SHE TOLD HIM TO DO SOMETHING. HE SAID, "NO. I DON'T WANT TO."

SO, I HAD TO PULL HIM ASIDE AND SAY, "LISTEN.

YOU GOTTA TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I THINK KIDS TODAY GROW UP A LOT FASTER THAN WE DID.

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, MY LITTLE BOY ASKED ME WHAT "GAY" MEANS.

AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED ME.

BUT IT WAS RIGHT AFTER HE SAW ME THROW A BASEBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEKEND, MY WIFE AND I HAD THE MISTAKE

OF BRINGING OUR KIDS TO THE ART MUSEUM.

IT'S ONE OF THESE THINGS, WE'RE LOOKING AT THE PAINTINGS

AND EVERY TIME THEY SEE A NIPPLE,

THEY HAVE TO POINT AND LAUGH. 'CAUSE THEY'RE AT THAT AGE

WHERE THEY HAVE TO COPY EVERYTHING I DO.

- [LAUGHTER] - THAT'S MY THING.

BUT I'VE NOTICED THAT THE TERMINOLOGY FOR CERTAIN THINGS

HAS CHANGED SINCE I WAS A KID.WHEN I WAS A KID,

WE USED TO CALL FLIP-FLOPS THONGS. RIGHT?

I SAID TO MY KIDS THIS SUMMER, "YOU KNOW, MOM AND I ARE

THINKING OF PUTTING OUR THONGSON AND GOING DOWN TO THE BEACH."

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO THANK YOU."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - DON'T WANNA SEE THAT.

THEY'RE JUST FEET.

BUT I RATHER THINK, IF YOU'VE GOT LITTLE KIDS,

IT'S KIND OF AN UNWRITTEN RULE

THAT YOU CAN BRING THEM INTO AN OPPOSITE-SEX BATHROOM.

I HAD SOMEBODY ROLL THEIR EYES AT ME RECENTLY

'CAUSE I BROUGHT MY EIGHT-YEAR-OLD WITH ME INTO THE LADIES ROOM.

- [LAUGHTER] - HE'S EIGHT.

PEOPLE KILL ME.

AND WHEN YOU'RE A NEW PARENT, YOU WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WE TOOK OUR LITTLE BOY TO THE DOCTOR'S LAST WEEK I'M LIKE,

"IS HIS PENIS SUPPOSED TO BE FULLY GROWN AT HIS AGE?"

THE DOCTOR'S LIKE, "FULLY GROWN? IT'S A HALF AN INCH BIG."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOTTA FUN. THANKS VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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