Wednesday, March 16, 2016

  • 03/16/2016

Lauren Lapkus, John Early and Seth Morris describe the unsettling results of Snapchat's Face Swap feature, sing #HangoverSongs and speculate about celebrity secrets.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh!

(applause and cheering)

Here's a listof the seven things online

that didn't bum us out today.

First up-- #SCOTUSnominee.

President Obama announcedhis Supreme Court pick today,

and it's future Danny Tannerto the rescue.


Nah, it's just some guy namedMerrick Garland,

which sounds like something youhang on a yacht at Christmas.

That's why the White Houseset up the Twitter account

@SCOTUSnom, to help peopleget familiar with the guy.

We don't know a whole lotabout him yet, but I'm guessing

he's pretty cool because he'sone away from following 420!

(applause and cheering)

Comedians, now thatthere's a Twitter account

for a potential Supreme Courtjustice on Twitter,

what's a social media court casehe could rule on?


You versus your transphobicrelatives on Facebook.

-HARDWICK: Yes! Yes!-(applause and cheering)

-Very good. Very good.-(cheers and applause)

Lauren Lapkus.

Kanye versus Fingerin the Booty Ass Bitch.

(cheers and applause)

The crowd is on fire today!

-(laughter)-Seth Morris.

Brown v.Message Board of Education.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter, shouting)

HARDWICK: It's a thinker.It's a thinker.

-It's a thinker.-Yeah.

Next up, Franciscus,@Franciscus.

Instagram isabout to be hashtag-blessed

because the pope isofficially joining Instagram.

-WOMAN: Oh, my God!-(cheering) -As...

(applause, whistling)

I mean...

-MAN: Yeah!-As of March 19,

the pope will be grammingwith the handle @franciscus,

because @bigbootylovinpontifexwas not available.

-(laughter) -This onlysolidifies his reputation

as the dope pope,and, uh, you know

he's totally gonna slide God'sDM's with some crucifix pix.

So, comedians,what Instagram filter

will the pontiff use?

-Lauren. -Whatever bestshows off that body of Christ.

-Yeah. Points. Points.-(laughter, cheering, applause)

-John. -The filter thatobscures all the child abuse.

-All right. Points.-(audience jeering)

-LAPKUS: Hard-hitting issue.-MORRIS: He didn't do it.

-Hard-hitting issue.-Don't get mad at him.

(cheering, applause)

HARDWICK:The pirouette was amazing!

It's now time for HashtagWars.


So, it's after midnight,technically,

which means thatit's St. Patrick's Day

-(whooping, applause) -all ofa sudden, when we celebrate...

Yeah, you can clap that.


-(whooping)-Yes, indeed!

Very exciting time...

for America...

when we celebratethe culture and heritage

of the Emerald Isleby drinking to excess

and vomitinginto green, plastic hats

to honor that Irish guywho did an Irish thing.


If you're Irish-American or anAmerican who's Irish in spirit,

we're gonna help you recoverfrom the next 24 hours

with tonight's hashtagHangoverSongs. HangoverSongs.

Examples might be:"Smells Like Teen Vomit"

-(audience groaning)-and: "I Would Walk 500 Miles

Back to My Apartment 'CauseI'm Too Intoxicated to Drive."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Lauren.-♪ I'll make love to you

next time.Sorry I fell asleep.

-All right. Points. Very nice.-(cheering, applause)

-Seth Morris.-♪ I wanna hold your hair...

-Points.-(laughter, cheering, applause)

John Early.

(cheering, applause continue)

♪ My neck, my back

♪ Lick my (bleep)

and my tequila-induced IBS.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter, groaning, applause)

-Lauren Lapkus.-♪ 8-6-7-5-3-0-9

is the fake numberI give out at bars.

-Points -Yeah.-(laughter, cheering)

Seth Morris.

♪ Hurls, hurls, hurls...

-Yeah, that's very good.-Two vomit jokes.

-That's good, that's good.-(cheering, applause)

-Points. Lauren.-♪ I can't feel my face...

I really can't feel my face.Please call an ambulance.

-Points.-(laughter, cheering, applause)

-John.-"Tylenol You Need Is Love."

Yes. Points. Yeah."Tylenol You Need Is Love."

-Now I like it, now I like it.-(cheering, applause)


♪ 'Cause your piss, your piss

♪ Is on my couch...

(laughter, cheering, applause)

It's time to play...

Swap Till You Drop.Swap Till You Drop.

Snapchat is a...Snapchat's a great place

for getting some sweet nudesand also some sweet nightmares

courtesy of the newFace Swap filter.

People have been trying this appfor the past few weeks,

and the resultsare about as scary

as Ted Cruz'staint in a blender.

-(laughter) -WOMAN: Yay!-So, comedians...

Like his taint alonewouldn't be horrifying.

-(laughter) -Oh, a blender.That really kicks it up

by several notches.

I'm gonna show yousome horrifying Face Swaps,

and for 250 points,I want you to answer

a different questionabout each one.

First up, this pig-nosed pair.

-(laughter, groaning, aw-ing)-What is...

That is pretty cute.

She is adorable. What'sthe name of that Disney movie?

-John. -Babe: Pig in the City,

but in this casethe city is Chernobyl.

-All right, points. Points.Yeah. -(laughter)


Next up, this sweet couple.

-This sweet couple.-(laughter, groaning)

Where did they meet?

-Lauren. -In the womb, whenshe absorbed her twin's body.

(laughter, applause)



On Keeblr,which is Grindr for cookies.

Yes. Points.Oh, that's awesome!

-Keeblr.-LAPKUS: Cute.

-(whooping, applause)-Yep.

I'm-a (bleep)so many cookie elves.


Yo, girl, you up in your tree?


Uh, Seth.

They met at a trayat Alcoholics Anonymous.

-Yeah. Points.-EARLY: Wow. -(laughter)

Points.Next up, this Democratic duo.

What is, uh...

(audience exclaims)

It's so disturbing.

What's a campaign sloganfor one of these candidates?

-Seth. -Berniegot in the telepod with me.


We still look gorgeouscompared to Donald Trump.


(cheering, applause)

Lauren Lapkus.

Feel the boner.


Next up, this power couple.

♪ Really unplug, really unplug

♪ Really unplug,really unplug. ♪

Ah, so many options.

Give me a linefrom their wedding vows. Seth.

I hope you like the shocker.


I don't know howit could be anything else.


I love you so much it hertz.

Points. Yes. Lauren.

I vow to put it inand keep it in

so you're always turned on.



you better strip.

All right, uh...

Kids, come on, your old manis funny sometimes.

Your old dad's gonnaget in the pool with you.

With his pants on.

Next up, this furry monstrosity.This furry monstrosity.

-What did the...-(audience groans)

That is...

(bleep) amazing.

What did the vet say?What did the vet say? John.

♪ Memory

♪ All alone in the moonlight

Yes, from Cats, that's right, points.

Lauren Lapkus.

Uh, I'm gonnahave to put you both down.


This mustachioed family.

There they...

EARLY:Oh, no!

(Hardwick laughs)Oh!

-What... Oh! -Oh!-(audience shrieks)

(whooping, applause)

First words?Seth.

We're the next generationof Gallaghers.

Yes, points. That's right.

Or-or little Freddie Mercurys.

Before the break,I shared the story of a 911 call

made on a college studentwith a light saber

and asked you to give methe transcript from another

nerd-based 911 call.

Let's hear what you came upwith, Seth Morris.

Uh, I want to turn myself in.

I've just killedan entire can of Pringles.

All right.


Sir, stay where you are.Stay where you are, sir.

John Early.

Help, I'm the male protagonistof a Judd Apatow movie

and everyone wantsto (bleep) me.

All right.Excellent.

Lauren Lapkus.

I can't keep my dickout of the USB port.

Uh, yes, it is that smalland rectangular.

As we got to our next game,True Confessions.

True Confessions.

Bad news for all the fakersand phonies out there today.

Tuesday was True ConfessionsDay, the one official holiday

of the year for Americansto emerge

from their duplicitous shellsand reveal

the true contentsof their hearts.

So, comedians,I'm gonna show you a celebrity,

and you're gonna tell mewhat they would confess

on True Confessions Day.First up, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg. Lauren.

He met his wife on Friendster.

How dare you?!

Points. Next up,George R. R. Martin.

-Lauren. -He uses his parents'HBO Go subscription.


Next, Oscar winnerLeonardo DiCaprio.

-Seth Morris.-Thinks climate change is a lie.

-Oh, wow.-Secretly.

Next, Harrison Ford. John.

He's actually never seenan episode of Ally McBeal.

Not one episode.

He lives it, man.


Next up, One Direction.


-They love to practice kissingon each other. -Oh!

-Points.-That was great!

And finally, Katy Perry.

-Seth. -Nicknamed her assholeTaylor Swift.

-They have bad blood.-Oh.