Tuesday, August 9, 2016

  • 08/09/2016

Kurt Braunohler, Emily Heller and Steve Agee make up lawsuits against movies, pay tribute to late Cincinnati Zoo gorilla Harambe and explain how to #QuitYourJobIn5Words.

This weekend, Suicide Squad opened to an August record

$133 million box office.

But all's not well withthe super villain super group.

The movie rated an anemic 26%on Rotten Tomatoes,

and the fan reaction has been,I want to say somewhat negative.

Now, I haven't seen it yet.

Now before you say,"(bleep) you, Chris Hardwick.

You're not a nerd. Shut up.You haven't seen it,"

I'm getting marriedin, like, 11 days,

-so I'm a little preoccupiedwith... -(whooping)

-(applause and cheering)-...pledging my love to another.

But apparently, with a two hourand three minute runtime--

I mean the movie, not thewedding-- uh... -(laughter)

Suicide Squad does not include

six seconds as entertainingas the classic Vine

"Back at it againat Krispy Kreme."

Back at it againat Krispy Kreme.

(groaning, laughter)

Yup, back at it again.


The only context we have isthat he's done that before.

-That's all we know.-(laughter)

You know what sucks?

-Jared Leto got cut out of that,too. Uh... -(groaning, laughter)

But now a Scottish filmgoer whoclaims that he drove 300 miles

to London to see Suicide Squad

opening weekendposted on reddit,

he plans to sue Warner Brothersand D.C. for not delivering

on Joker scenes promisedin the trailer.

Jared Leto commentedon the edits

in this very dark interviewwith IGN.

Oh, there were so many scenesthat got cut from the movie,

I-I couldn't even start.

If I die anytime soon,it's probably likely

that it'll...it'll surface somewhere.

-What?! -What?-(laughter)

Legal analysts think that theenraged fan may actually have

a case against Suicide Squad's producers

under the U.K.'s strictfalse advertising laws.

So, comedians,if this sets a precedent,

what's another lawsuitwe might see against a movie?

Kurt Braunohler.

Uh, I'm gonna sue Schindler's List

'cause The Jokerwas hardly in that, either.

HARDWICK:All right. Yeah.

He didn't makean appearance at all.

-It sucked.-Yeah.

All right, Emily Heller.

I'm gonna sue Ghostbusters for ruining my childhood.

But not the new one.The old one. Uh...


Because I don't think

a child should see a man geta blow job from a ghost.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All right, points.

-Steve Agee.-Hi, Chris.

I'm suing Suicide Squad

because Jared Leto'sin too much of it.

-(laughter, groaning) -HARDWICK:Jesus Christ. -HELLER: What?

That's not nice.

He's a nice guy.How dare you, Steve Agee!

What did Jared Letoever do to you?


So there's an on-line petitionto get the Cincinnati Bengals

to change their nameto the Cincinnati Harambes

after the Cincinnati Zoo gorillafamous for... well, you know

that thingthat we all got upset about.

That's the gorilla that made usforget all about Cecil the lion.

The Change.org petitionis so close

to getting the 25,000 signaturesit needs

to get someonefrom the Bengals organization

to glance briefly at it beforethrowing it in the garbage.

Comedians, a beloved Internetmartyr like Harambe deserves

to have more than justa football team named after him.

What are some other thingsthat should be renamed

in honor of Harambe?

-Steve.-Denny's Moons Over Harambe.



-Those are...-Grand slam.

-Uh, Emily.-That Cranberries song

where she's like...♪ Harambe, Harambe

♪ Harambe,ay-uh, ay-uh, ay-uh. ♪

I'm gonna give youan extra hundred points...

-(applause and cheering)-Yes! -...for committing

to the Dolores O'Riordan cackle.Kurt Braunohler.

Uh, they should have renamed

that three-year-old so he neverforgets what he (bleep) did.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.


Summer's almost over.I'm sorry, it's almost time

to get back to school,get back to work,

working on Sundays,working through lunch,

working overtime--I don't know about you,

but I feel like all my boss does

is make me work,work, work, work, work.

He says me have to work,work, work, work, work.

You know what?I'm sick of this (bleep).

We don't have to put upwith this anymore.

I say we all just quit,as a culture!

I know we've all quit insideand we died a long time ago,

but let's just quitfor real, IRL.

That is why tonight's hashtagis: QuitYourJobIn5Words.

Examples, examples for...examples for QuitYourJobIn5Words

might be:Singled out is coming back;

or: Zombies can talkabout themselves.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, starting now.

Steve Agee.

I'm all out of sperm.


Oh, geez...

I can't make no more.

All right. Oh, "I can't makeno more" is five words.

Points. Emily.

Uh, surgical glovesare for nerds.

Points. Kurt.

I am quitting this job.


Steve Agee.

Boss said I'm not very goodat counting.


-Kurt.-Leaving Chili's for Chili's 2.

-Points. Emily.-(laughter)

Um, more like Not Topic.

All right, points.


Not good working with saws.



Count 'em.