Monday, January 12, 2015

  • 01/12/2015

Jen Kirkman, Marc Maron and John Hodgman list #MoreAccurateMascots, come up with chapter titles for oddly specific religious books and guess Liam Neeson's hidden talents.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

BIG WEEKEND FOR THE NFLPLAY-OFF. MANY FOOTBALLS

THROWN, M ANY FOOTBALLS CAUGHT,BUT APPARENTLY NOT THIS ONE,

THROWN TO THE COWBOYS DEZBRYANT.

AND IT'S IN HIS HAND, HE'SSTILL GOT IT IN HIS [BLEEP]

HANDS.

AND I DON'T KNOW, WHAT LOOKEDLIKE TO EVERYONE A CRUCIAL CATCH

FOR DALLAS, WAS ACTUALLYOVERTURNED, DUMBFOUNDING

ALL OF TWITTER, FROM LEBRONJAMES -- "WHAT IS THE DEFINITION

OF A CATCH OR NOT IN THE NFL?

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW? NO ONECAN ANSWER THE QUESTION.

TO JOSH GAD, WHO SAID AS APERSON WHO IS NOT A FAN OF THE

THE COWBOYS, I SAY WITH ABSOLUTECONVICTION DEZ BRYANT WAS ROBBED

AND THAT CALL WAS NONSENSE.

BUT THEN WE MOVE ON TO OUR POETLAUREATE, LITTLE LI MECHI, WHO

SAID "DAY CHEATED DEZ BRYANT.[BLEEP] DA NFL. FOOTBALL EMOJI."

WHICH I THINK [BLEEP] VERYCONCISELY EXPRESSINGING WHAT THE

OTHER TWO WRITERS WERE TRYING TOSAY.

BUT AT LEAST COWBOY FANS ONREDDIT WERE TAKING THE LOSS IN

STRIDE, RIGHT.

I GUESS THIS IS WHAT EBOLAFEELS LIKE.

I GUESS THIS IS PROBABLYWHAT ALL THOSE PEOPLE FELT

WHO GOT EBOLA.

YEAH, LOSING YOUR SPORTS TEAMFEELS EXACTLY LIKE BLEEDING OUT

OF EVERY ORIFICE.

THAT'S A VERY FAIR COMPARISON.

COMEDIANS WHAT IS SOMETHINGTHAT FEELS LIKE EBOLA TO YOU?

MARC MARON.

>> WHAT FEELS LIKE EBOLA TOME?

>> CHRIS: YES.

>> THIS. WHATEVER THIS IS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: OH, UH. I'M SORRY,MARC, NO POINTS.

>> COME ON. IT'S A JOKE, CHRIS.IT'S A JOKE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVEYOU A HUNDRED POINTS, YOU

LOVEABLE SON OF A BITCH.

>> YEAH!

>> CHRIS: JOHN HODGMAN.

>> WHAT FEELS LIKE EBOLA TOME? DENGUE FEVER.

VERY SIMILAR SYMPTOMS.

OR SO I'VE READ, WITH MYBLEEDING EYES.

>> CHRIS: WHAT! OKAY POINTSFOR JOHN HODGMAN FOR SCIENTIFIC

ANALYSIS.

MOVING ON, THE NRA FAVORITEMURDEROUS POTATO HEAD IS BACK

IN THE NEWS.

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN WAS ARRESTEDOVER THE WEEKEND ON DOMESTIC

ABUSE CHARGES FOR ALLEGEDLYTHROWING A BOTTLE OF WINE AT

HIS GIRLFRIEND.

MAKING SURE HE'S STANDING ONBRAND.

GAWKER IS REPORTING THAT AT ACOURT APPEARANCE, HIS LAWYER

TOLD THE PRESS THAT GEORGE ISQUOTE HASN'T BEEN VERY LUCKY

WITH THE LADIES.

HE'S ALSO NOT GOOD WITH KIDS.

THAT'S ONE WAY TO PUT IT.

COMEDIANS, HOW WOULD THIS LAWYERDESCRIBE OTHER NOTABLE PIECES

OF [BLEEP]. JEN KIRKMAN.

>> CHRIS BROWN HAS A LOT OFEXTRA HAND ENERGY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MR. MARON.

>> BILL COSBY IS A GREATCOMEDIAN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN HODGMAN.

>> JEFFREY DAHMER, FOODIE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. WELL PLAYEDGENTLEMEN AND LADY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

EARLIER TONIGHT THE COLLEGEFOOTBALL SEASON CAME TO A

HEAD BASHING CLIMAX ASOREGON TOOK ON OHIO STATE.

SO IN HONOR OF THE MASCOT BATTLEOF DUCK VERSUS BUCKEYES,

I'M TOLD THAT'S A NUT OF SOMEKIND -- TONUGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#MoreAccurateMascots,#MoreAccurateMascots.

FOR EXAMPLE, TONIGHT'S GAMEWOULD HAVE BEEN THE OREGON

CRUNCHY VEGAN VERSUS THEOHIO STATE DYING RUST BELTS.

OR ALMA MATER, THE U.C.L.A.FUTURE HOSTS OF SHIPMATES.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK BEGIN.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> THE UVA DATE RAPIST.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS. MARON.

>> THE UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIXINTERNET SPAM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN HODGMAN.

>> THE BROWN UNIVERSITYPRIVILEGE CHECKERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YES, JEN.

>> DUKE UNIVERSITY DATE RAPIST.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARC.

>> THE PENN STATE YOU KNOWWHATS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JEN.

>> THE UNIVERSITY OFNEBRASKA DATE RAPIST.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

POINTS.

JOHN.

>> THE BERKELEY BLONDDREADLOCKS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> THE HARVARD C STUDENTS WITHRICH FATHERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARC.

>> THE USC SPIELBERGS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. HODGMAN.

>> THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHCAROLINA DINOSAURS, WHICH

COEXISTED WITH MAN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDAEVOLUTION-NEGATORS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, SO GOOD.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY AMAZONBOOK FAIR: SUNDAY EDITION.

BOOKS ARE LIKE THE SMARTPEOPLE'S TELEVISION.

IMAGINATION TV IN YOUR BRAIN.

THE EXCEPTION WOULD BE BOOKSABOUT RELIGION. SO COMEDIANS

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THECOVER OF RELIGIOUS BOOKS WE

FOUND ON AMAZON THAT WILLMAKE YOU EXCLAIM HOLY [BLEEP]!

AND FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TONAME A CHAPTER YOU THINK

SHOULD BE IN IT.

FIRST ONE. WHY ISN'T GOD GIVINGCASH PRIZES?

MARC.

>> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOWTHIS WORKS.

GOD DOESN'T PAY YOU, YOU PAYGOD, CAPECHE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT GOT THREE STARS.

>> FROM ONE PERSON.

>> CHRIS: ONE PERSON.

>> FROM LORRAINE PETERSON.

THREE STARS FROM LORRAINEPETERSON.

>> THE WOMAN WHO WROTE IT!

SHE'S LIKE, NOT MY BEST WORK. IGOT TO BE HONEST.

>> CHRIS: JEN.

>> CHAPTER ONE GOD DOESN'TGIVE AWAY ANYTHING, SILLY,

HE DOESN'T EXIST.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> CHRIS. >> CHRIS: YES.

>> SO, MY PARENTS DON'T CALL ME.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S MYOPINION.

>> CHRIS: OH, OKAY. OF COURSE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

>> MY MOTHER KILLED CHRISTBUT GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY.

JEN.

>> IF I DID IT: A FICTIONALACCOUNT BY THE MOM ON IF SHE

DID KILL CHRIST, HOW SHE DIDIT.

>> CHRIS: NICE, POINTS.

THAT IS, UH --

>> THAT'S LIKE, AN OKAYREFERENCE.

>> CHRIS: THAT IS A A REFERENCETO O.J. SIMPSON, A THING THAT

HAPPENED IN THE 1900s.

MARC MARON.

>> CHAPTER TWO, MY MOTHERALSO [BLEEP] SANTA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE: THE BIBLECURE FOR IRRITABLE BOWEL

SYNDROME.

HODGMAN.

>> YAY THE BEAT SHALL HAVEA NUMBER AND THAT NUMBER IS

NUMBER TWO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

JEN.

>> CHAPTER TEN TITLEDDO-DO-RONOMY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

LAST ONE JEW GANGSTER.

>> CHRIS: JEN.

>> FORWARD BY MARC MARON, ICOULD HAVE BEEN A JEW GANGSTER,

BUT MY PARENTS WERE NARCISSISTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DID YOU WANT TO BE A JEWGANGSTER?

>> I AM A JEW GANGSTER.

IF YOU WANNA KISS THE RING. IFYOU WANNA KISS THE RING.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,COMBINED GIFS, COMBINED GIFS.

GIFs WITH AHARD G, YO.

THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THANSOME HOT GIF ON GIF ACTION.

SO THE FOLKS OF R/COMBINED GIFS TAKE TWO UNRELATED GIFs AND

MARRY THEM TOGETHER TO MAKEAMAZING, AMAZING THINGS.

I 'M GONNA SHOW YOU THE START OFONE, AND TWO POSSIBLE OUTCOMES

FOR IT, OKAY.

FOR 250 POINTS TELL ME WHICH ONEIS CORRECT.

FIRST ONE --

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEHELL IS HAPPENING.

>> IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, COULD YOUEXPLAIN IT AGAIN?

>> CHRIS: YEAH. I'M GONNA SHOWYOU, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU --

SO, THERE ARE TWO GIFs THATYOU ARE GOING TO SEE.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> CHRIS: OKAY, A GIF STANDS FOR-- A GIF STANDS FOR GRAPHIC

INTERCHANGE FORMAT.

>> OH, A GIF.

>> NO, JOHN, NOPE, NOPE.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, JONHODGMAN.

>> I ANSWER TO THAT NAME.

BECAUSE I'M NOT A GODDAMN PETANT.

>> CHRIS: WELL, JUST OUT OFCURIOSITY WHAT IS THE STORAGE

CAPACITY ON YOUR PHONE?

>> WHAT WAS THAT?

>> CHRIS: HOW MUCH STORAGE IS ONYOUR PHONE, JOHN.

>> 17 SONGS.

>> CHRIS: NOPE.

AND THE UNITS OF STORAGE, WHATWOULD THAT BE?

>> GIGA BEATS.

>> CHRIS: NO.

FIRST ONE: THESE MATRIXY AGENTS.ARE THEY ABOUT TO SHOOT AT

NEO'S FELINE COUNTERPART, ORDANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING?

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> I BET THEY WILL DANCELIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING.

>> OH, I HOPE IT'S NEO, BUTLET'S SEE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: YEP. PERFECT.

>> I STILL HAVE NO IDEA IF I GOTTHAT RIGHT OR WRONG.

>> CHRIS: YOU GOT THAT WRONG.

>> OH [BLEEP], OKAY.

>> CHRIS: THAT WAS CAT NEO --

DID YOU SEE THE MATRIX?

>> TAKE A WILD GUESS.

>> HOW YOU COULD NOT SEE THEMATRIX?

>> I'M A LADY WITH INTERESTS.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE: BABY TIME!

IS THIS BABY BEING TORTURED BYWILLY WONKA, OR GETTING

SWALLOWED BY A SHARK.

JEN.

>> BEING TORTURED BY WILLEYWONKA.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, LET'S SEE.

>> YEAH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THE BABY'S FEAR IS GROWING ANDTHERE IS NO SIGNS OF SLOWING.

WE JUMP TO OUR PEX GAME,LESSER LIAM NEESON SKILLS.

LESSER LIAM NEESON SKILLS.

YOU KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN.

TAKEN THREE OPENED AT NUMBERONE THIS PAST WEEKEND,

PROVING AMERICANS CAN'T GETENOUGH ASS-KICKING DIVORCEE

WHOSE AGO ACCIDENT FLUCTUATEWILDLY BETWEEN IRISH AND

AMERICAN.

AT THIS POINT WE KNOW LIAMNEESON DOES HAVE A PARTICULAR

SET OF SKILLS, BUT HE IS SO MUCHMORE THAN PUNCHING SERBIANS

IN THE THROAT AND ELECTROCUTINGTHE GENITALS OF THUGS IN

IN TRACK SUITS.

I'D LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME SOME OFTHE TALENTS HE DOESN'T GET TO

DISPLAY I THE TAKEN FILMS INSECONDS AND BEGIN.

MARC MARON.

>> RUNNING IN FLIP FLOPS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> OBLITERATING HIS LEGACYAS A SERIOUS ACTOR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARC.

>> BELCHING THE ALPHABET.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> CAN STILL FIT INTO HISDARKMAN CAPE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

OH, DARKMAN! JEN KIRKMAN.

>> ABILITY TO GO TO BEDWITHOUT CHECKING THE LOCKS

TWICE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> SIMPLY A PERFECT SOFTBOILED EGG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> PROFICIET IN BOTH MICROSOFTWORD AND EXCEL.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MARC.

>> PRETENDS TO BE PROFICIENTIN MICROSOFT WORD AND EXCEL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARC.

>> HACKY SACK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. VERY GOOD ATIT. JEN.

>> CAN FAME ALL THE STATIONSIN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

WITHOUT SINGING THAT SONG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> DOESN'T HAVE TO USE THEPOPCORN SETTING ON THE

MICROWAVE, JUST FEELS IT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARC.

>> SCRAPBOOKING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> CAN WAKE UP WITHOUT ANALARM CLOCK.

NOT FUNNY, I KNOW.

>> CHRIS: NO POINTS.