John Kassir & Judy Toll

  • 02/24/1992

HI.

THANK YOU.

I'M REALLY EXCITED.

I HAD A GREAT DAY TODAY.

I PAID MY QUARTERLY TAXESAND DID SOME INVESTING

AND I FEEL GOOD.

UM, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOWTHAT I'VE GIVEN UP ACTING

AND I'VE BECOME A DIRECTOR

SO I SPENT THE REST OF THEAFTERNOON DOING PITCH MEETINGS

ON SOME OF MY NEW PROJECTSTHAT I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT.

WELL, I SPENT LAST SUMMERGOING TO SCHOOL.

IT WAS JODIE FOSTER'SDIRECTING CAMP AND...

( laughter )

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

I MEAN, JODIE ISA BIG ROLE MODEL FOR ME.

I JUST THINK SHEIS SO SUPERTALENTED

AND SO BEAUTIFUL

AND SHE'S VERY TECHNICALWHICH I LIKE.

SHE TAUGHT MEHOW TO TAKE A CAMERA APART

AND PUT IT BACK TOGETHER.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M JUSTSTANDING BEHIND THE CAMERA

LIKE SOME, YOU KNOW, FOOL.

I REALLY KNOW HOW TO WORKTHE CAMERA, DO THE LIGHT--

AS A MATTER OF FACT,I SET MY OWN LIGHTS

AND I LEARNEDHOW TO BUILD SETS, TOO.

WE ROLLED UP OUR SLEEVES,ALL OF US, YOU KNOW.

THERE WERE A LOTOF OTHER ACTRESSES THERE, TOO

BUT A LOT OF THEMGOT SCARED AND THEY LEFT.

I KNOW MEG RYAN WAS REALLYTRYING TO BECOME A DIRECTOR

BUT SHE COULDN'T COMMIT TO IT.

I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

SHE'S A FINE ACTRESSSO SHE DOESN'T NEED TO DIRECT

BUT I JUST FEELTHE NEED TO EVOLVE.

BEING A WOMAN IN HER MID-30s,I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS

AND STOP PLAYING AROUND WITHTHE COMEDY THING AND THE ACTING.

IT'S SO SELF-INDULGENT,IT REALLY IS.

SO I'VE JUST PARED DOWN MY LOOK

AND GOTTEN QUIETERAND MORE INTROSPECTIVE

AND I'M JUST HOSTING THISFOR THE MONEY

BECAUSE I'M FUNDING...

MY FIRST FILM-- MY FIRSTINDEPENDENT FEMINIST FILM

THAT I'LL BE WORKING ONTHIS YEAR--

A VERY SMALL BUT SPECIFIC KINDOF FEMINIST FILM.

IT'S ABOUT THE GENERALOPPRESSION OF WOMEN AND THEN...

( scattered laughter )

AND THEN I'LL BROADEN OUT LATER.

SO, UM, JOHN KASSIRAND JUDY TOLL ARE HERE TONIGHT

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

MY NAME IS JOHN KASSIRAND I AM A TUBE-AHOLIC.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOWWHAT A TUBE-AHOLIC IS

THAT MEANS I'M ADDICTEDTO TELEVISION, A TV JUNKIE.

DO WE HAVE ANY OTHER TV JUNKIESIN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT?

( sprinkled applause )

COME ON, IF YOU WERE BROUGHT UPWITHIN THE LAST 30 YEARS

YOU TOO HAVE SPENTA SHAMEFUL AMOUNT OF HOURS

IN FRONT OF THAT TV SET.

I'D SIT IN FRONTOF THAT BIG MOTOROLA TV

WITH ONE HAND ON THE KNOB,MY FACE AGAINST THE SCREEN

BECAUSE WE HAD FIVE KIDSIN MY FAMILY.

IF YOU DIDN'T KEEP YOUR HANDON THE KNOB

YOU DIDN'T GET TO WATCHWHAT YOU WANTED.

EVERY SATURDAY MORNINGI'D COME DOWN

TAKE THE KNOB OFF THE TV SETAND WATCH MY FAVORITE CARTOONS.

"DUH, GEE, PROFESSOR,THERE'S FELIX."

"SHUT UP, ROCK--GIVE ME THE BAG, FELIX."

"NEVER, PROFESSOR.

"YOU AND ROCK BOTTOM WILLNEVER GET MY BAG OF TRICKS.

RIGHT-EE-O."

( high-pitched laughter )

ALL RIGHT.

A FEW MORE TUBE-AHOLICS

ARE BEGINNINGTO REVEAL THEMSELVES NOW.

"♪ HERE'S GEORGE JETSON... "

( imitating passing jet )

( imitating Astro: )"WEY, RORGE."

GEORGE WAS COOL.

GEORGE REPRESENTED SOMETHINGVERY IMPORTANT TO US AS KIDS

BECAUSE GEORGE COULD TAKE USFROM OUR LIVING ROOMS

TO THAT OUTER OZONETHAT WE CALL FANTASY.

MOST PEOPLE LIKE A BITOF FANTASY IN THEIR REALITY.

ME, I LIKE A BIT OF REALITYIN MY FANTASY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MY FAVORITE CARTOONSWERE THE MERRY MELODIES

AND THE LOONEY TO CARTOONS--

THE CLOSEST THINGSTO HALLUCINOGENICS

A CHILD COULD TAKE, RIGHT?

BUT THAT WASN'T ALL, NO.

THEN THEY CAME OUTWITH THE REMOTE CONTROL

AND WHOEVER HADTHE REMOTE CONTROL WAS KING.

( makes switching sounds )

( child's voice: )"NOW WE'LL WATCHWHAT I WANT TO.

"BUT THERE'S TOO MUCHTO CHOOSE FROM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WATCH."

( imitating baby crying )

BY THE TIME I HIT PUBERTY

I HAD BECOME HOOKED ON WHATBECAME A METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE--

HORROR FLICKS.

( eerie singing )

( imitating crickets )

( imitating the wind )

"IT WAS A QUIET, SULTRY NIGHT INTHE LITTLE TOWN OFF THE PRAIRIE.

THERE WAS ONE LONELY HITCHHIKERSTANDING ON THE HIGHWAY."

( imitating car passing )

( laughter and scattered applause )

( imitating car passing )

( imitating series of passing cars )

( imitating siren passing )

GEORGE!

THEN HE CAME...

THE SAME DINOSAUR

THAT'S IN EVERY JAPANESEMONSTER MOVIE EVER MADE.

( imitating monster stepping on city )

( screaming )

( growling )

"OH, NO, LET'S GETTHE HELL OUT OF HERE."

( screaming )

( gasping )

I'D FLIP THROUGH THE CHANNELSLOOKING FOR MY NEXT TV HIGH.

TWO MINUTES OF THIS,THREE MINUTES OF THAT.

EVENTUALLY I WAS PUTTINGTOGETHER MY OWN PRIME-TIME TV.

( series of sound effects )

( Tarzan call )

"CHEETAH! SIMBA!"

( imitating chimp chattering )

"IT'S A TWISTER,IT'S A TWISTER."

"DOROTHY! DOROTHY!"

"AUNTIE EM, AUNTIE EM,LET ME IN.

COME ON, TOTO."

( sings theme from Twilight Zone )

"LET THE GLORIOUS NEWSBE SPREAD AT LAST.

THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD."

"WHO KILLED MY SISTER?

WAS IT YOUWITH THE RUBY SLIPPERS?"

"OH, RUBBISH,YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE."

( laughter and applause )

"BE GONE BEFORE SOMEONEDROPS A HOUSE ON YOU."

"ALL RIGHT, I'LL BIDE MY TIME

"BUT I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY

"AND YOU'RE LITTLE DOG, TOO.

FLY, FLY!"

( imitating passing vehicle )

GEORGE!

( humming Wicked Witch's guards' march)

♪ OR-- EE-- O...

Crowd:♪ EEOO-- O.

GOOD! ♪ OR-- EE-- O...

♪ EEOO-- O.

( imitating Cowardly Lion )

"WHAT'S THEM? WHAT'S THEM?"

"THAT'S THE CASTLEOF THE WICKED WITCH."

"OH, DOROTHY'SIN THAT AWFUL PLACE?

"I HATE TO THINKOF HER IN THERE.

FELLOWS, WE'VE GOTTO GET HER OUT."

"I GOT A PLAN TO GET IN THEREAND YOU'RE GOING TO LEAD US."

"I'LL GO IN THERE FOR DOROTHY.

"WICKED WITCH OR NO WICKEDWITCH, GUARDS OR NO GUARDS.

"THERE'S JUST ONE THINGI WANT YOU FELLOWS TO DO:

TALK ME OUT OF IT."

"WHOA! WHOA!"

( humming Wicked Witch's guards' march)

♪ OR-- EE-- O...

♪ EEOO-- O.

BUT THAT ONLY LEDTO A LIFE OF DRUGS...

ALCOHOL...

REALITY.

I WAS LIKE EVERY OTHER TEENAGER

COMING HOME EVERY FRIDAY NIGHTDRUNK ON TEQUILA

PRAYING TO THE PORCELAIN BOWL.

( gagging )

YOU'VE BEEN THERE, I CAN TELL.

THE TILE MARKS ON YOUR FACEGAVE YOU AWAY.

WHEN I FINALLY DID THROW UP, ITWAS CARTOON TIME ALL OVER AGAIN.

"FLINTSTONE, YOU'RE FIRED!"

I ROSE FROM THE GUTTER, ONLY TOFIND MYSELF MAINLINING CABLE TV.

THERE I WAS INTRAVENOUSLY HOOKEDUP TO 128 CABLE-READY STATIONS

AND THERE WAS STILLFRIGGING NOTHING ON!

MTV, ATV, BTV, CTV

TWO TVs, THREE TVs,THE WEATHER CHANNEL!

A.N.N., B.N.N.

C.N.N.-N-N-N-N-N.

THE MOTOWN CHANNEL, MOTV.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH TV ALREADY?

NO, I WANT MORE!

GIVE ME MORE TV!

( singing cartoon song )

"THAT'S ALL FOLKS."

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MORE SHOW TO COME.

THANK YOU.

( applause and cheering )

THANK YOU!

OH, GOD, WHAT A LOVING,SUPPORTIVE INTRO.

I AM A WOMAN AND MY ACT ISHORRIBLE SO PLEASE, LOVE ME.

GOOD, I NEED YOUR LOVE.

I REALLY DO.

I HAVE BEEN ON AN EMOTIONALROLLER COASTER ALL DAY LONG.

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING...

YOU KNOW HOWYOU JUST OPEN YOUR EYES

YOU'RE NOT REALLY EVEN AWAKE YET

YOU'RE STILL KIND OF INTHAT DREAMLIKE, BLISSFUL STATE

AND THEN YOU GO...

"OH, MY GOD, I TOTALLY FORGOT.

MY LIFE SUCKS."

( laughter )

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

GOOD-BYE.

GOOD, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

I KNOW, I KNOW IT'SMOSTLY IN MY HEAD.

I HAVE MANY FEARS.

I'M IN A LOT OF FEAR.

I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

IN CASE YOU'RE NOT AHYPOCHONDRIAC AND YOU WANT TO BE

AND I KNOW YOU DO,HERE IS HOW.

YOU GET A SYMPTOM AND THEN YOULEAP TO ITS FATAL CONCLUSION.

I'M TIRED; I HAVE LEUKEMIA.

THIS IS WHAT I DO.

HEADACHE...

BRAIN TUMOR.

YES, EXACTLY!

YOU ARE SO COOL.

OH, LET'S BLOW OFF THE SHOWAND ALL GO GET A CAT SCAN.

YOU NEVER KNOW, YOU NEVER KNOW.

I FOUND HAIR IN MY BRUSHTHIS MORNING.

I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTEDCHEMOTHERAPY, SO...

IT'S HAPPENING SO FAST,I CAN'T KEEP UP.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS--

I HAD A HUGE BREAKTHROUGH TODAY.

IN THERAPY I FINALLY GOTTO THE ROOT OF MY PROBLEM.

APPARENTLY I THINKI'M A PIECE OF ....

THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND.

SO...

( laughter and applause )

THANK YOU!

OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE, LIKE, WITH MEIN MY NEUROSES, I'M SO HAPPY.

YOU ARE THERE, COME IN.

YOU'RE INVITED.

I DON'T KNOW.

THERE IS PROGRESS, THOUGH.

I FEEL REALLY PROUD.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG ABOUT THIS

BUT TWO DAYS AGOI CAUSED A MAJOR CAR ACCIDENT

AND I FORGAVE MYSELF--ISN'T THAT GOOD?

AND I DIDN'T LET THE COPPUSH ME AROUND LIKE USUAL.

RIGHT AWAY, HE WAS:"I NEED YOUR LICENSE

I NEED YOUR REGISTRATION,I NEED PROOF OF INSURANCE."

I SAID, "HEY, WHAT ABOUT MEAND MY NEEDS?"

( laughter )

"I NEED A HUG."

( laughter )

"MR. SELFISH."

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVETHIS, SO BRACE YOURSELVES--

I... AM SINGLE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

YOU'RE GOING, "WHAT?

NO WAY, SHE'S SUCH A CATCH."

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY

BUT I AM SO BAD IN RELATIONSHIPSIT'S HORRIFYING.

MY LAST ONE, I ASKEDMY LONG-TERM BOYFRIEND

OF A WEEK AND A HALF

OKAY, I GO,"WHAT'S YOUR WILDEST FANTASY?"

HE SAID, "IT'S YOU AND MESWIMMING NAKED IN THE CARIBBEAN.

WITH CINDY CRAWFORD."

I WAS SO HAPPY HE INCLUDED ME.

AND THEN HE SAID TO ME,"WHAT'S YOUR WILDEST FANTASY?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, IT'S YOU...

"GETTING A JOB.

"BUT YOU KNOW...

I HAVE SUCH A VIVIDIMAGINATION, SO..."

( laughter and scattered applause )

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, THOUGH

NOW THAT I AMTHIS WILD SINGLE GAL

I AM NOTICING THERE ARE A LOT OFHUNKY GUYS OUT THERE THAT, UH...

WON'T GIVE METHE TIME OF DAY-- YEAH!

( laughter )

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSETHIS IS HOW I WALK AROUND.

I AM SO... I DON'T USUALLYWEAR CLOTHES LIKE THIS

BUT THIS ISA VERY SOPHISTICATED SET

AND I JUST DRESSEDVERY SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL.

USUALLY I'M VERY FLORAL,VERY "COMTEMPO CASUALS"

VERY "WET SEAL,"THAT KIND OF THING.

BECAUSE I FEEL THE OLDER YOU GET

THE MORE IMMATURELY YOUSHOULD DRESS, IT BALANCES OUT.

SO, UM, ANYWAY,I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN.

THERE ARE GUYSTHAT THINK I'M A BABE.

NO, THERE ARE.

THEY DON'T SAY IT IN ENGLISH,BUT YOU KNOW.

( applause and laughter )

I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN.

OOH, PUTA MADRE.

( making kissing noises )

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT MEANS,"OH, PRETTY MAIDEN."

I TRY AND HAVEA POSITIVE ATTITUDE IN LIFE

BECAUSE I'M TOO PATHETICWHEN I'M SAD.

YOU KNOW, MY FRIENDS CALL ME"SHEEP WOMAN."

( bleating: )"NO, I'M OKAY, I'M FINE.

"I'M NOT GOING TOGO OUT TONIGHT.

"YOU GUYS GO.

"I'M JUST GOING TOSTAY HOME AND...

"CHECK FOR LUMPS.

"YOU GO, I'LL BE HERE.

I'M OKAY."

BUT I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITYFOR THE WAY I AM.

I DON'T BLAME ANYONE.

YOU HEAR ABOUT ALL THESE PEOPLE

COMING FROM HORRIBLE FAMILIESAND STUFF-- I DIDN'T.

BUT THERE IS A SUPPORT GROUPI'M IN FOR THIS:

DYSFUNCTIONAL CHILDRENOF NORMAL PARENTS.

AND I'M IT WITHALL THE KIDS FROM 90210.

I KNOW YOU SUPPORT MEIN THE FACT--

AND I THINK LUKE PERRYWOULD BE JEALOUS--

THAT I DID JUST HAVETHIS AWESOME MAKE-OUT SESSION

I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE GUY THAT I HAD IT WITHIS IN THIS ROOM.

OH, MY GOD, DON'T YOU WANTTO KNOW WHO IT IS REALLY BAD?

I CAN'T TELL YOU,BUT HE'S WEARING A HEADSET.

OH, I LOVE STAFF MEMBERS.

SO YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GUESS,BUT THAT'S ALL WE DID...

YOU KNOW, WITH TONGUES

IN A DRY-HUMPING-RECLININGKIND OF WAY BUT...

YOU CAN'T DO ANYMORE NOWBECAUSE IT'S TOO SCARY

AND YOU KNOW, ME AND MY FEARS.

SO IT'S SO FRUSTRATING

BECAUSE I CAME OF AGEDURING THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION

SO I'VE HAD TO TOTALLYDE-SLUTIZE MYSELF FOR THE '90s

( laughter and cheering )

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

BUT I THINK I'VEALMOST TRAINED MYSELF.

I KNOW THAT WHEN HE PUTSHIS HAND DOWN MY SHIRT

AND STARTS TO UNDO MY BRA

I NOW SAY, "DON'T.

HEY, WATCH IT, BIG GUY"

INSTEAD OF MY OLD RESPONSEWHICH WAS, "I'LL DO IT."

( laughter )

AND WHEN HE PUTS MY HANDON HIS... YOU KNOW

I SAY-- NOW I SAY-- "ALL RIGHT,BUT JUST FOR A SECOND"

INSTEAD OF MY OLD RESPONSEWHICH WAS:

( gagging )

OH, MY GOD, I'M SO ASHAMED!

THANK YOU, GUYS.

THANK YOU.

( applause and cheering )

Loading...