Beth Stelling

  • Season 4, Ep 8
  • 10/10/2015

Beth Stelling describes the weird aspects of being a female comic, her mother's struggle with phone companies and why she loves "The Bachelor."

I usually, uh,will date potheads.

It's kind of my thing, you know?

I don't know why.

I guess they can't leaveif they're already gone.

That's...

Yeah, that's what it is,you know?

And I've done it since college.

And I rememberthis one time in college,

trying to impress this pothead,

which you know...isn't hard.

And everybody was smoking weed.

Uh, so I went aheadand just, like,

smoked all of it.(chuckles)

Until I thought that my mouth

would never be wet again.

And then I proceeded to eatan entire pint of ice cream.

Just to be ableto swallow, really.

Just to, like, wet my whistle.

'Cause I was fairly certain

that the police were coming,you know?

And somebody was gonnaneed to talk to 'em.

So...

And then everybodystarted to get up and leave,

like, one by one,'cause of me.

'Cause I was making itawful for everybody.

(wry chuckle)

And the guy that I likedstarted to get up and go.

And I was like,"Oh, no," you know?

So I looked at himand I was like,

"Hey, it wasreally good to see you.

You, too."

I answer for him.

(laughter,scattered applause)

Yeah.(chuckles)

(applause)

Yeah.

Just threw in a little,

"You, too!"

And then I laughedfor about three days.

My dad used to take usto this water park in Orlando.

It's called Wet 'n Wild.

(scattered whooping)

Oh, my God.

So many people have lived.

Wet 'n Wild has, like,

one of the tallest water slidesin the United States.

It's called the"Der Stuka," okay?

So one day, my whole family downthere, except for my stepmom,

'cause she's too drunkto take in public,

uh, but we decided we weregonna take this slide on

together as a family,really do it up, you know?

So my uncle goes down first,

uh, and he gets quite a bitof water up his shorts, okay?

Like, went down with shorts,stood up with a thong, you know?

So my sister's turn is second,

and she's in the heightof her puberty,

so she's wearing, like,a string bikini, orange,

and when she goes downthis vertical drop

of, uh, whatever-story slide,

her bikini top flies up,and her chest is just, like,

exposed to hundredsof water park onlookers,

which, I'm gonna let you knowright now, ruined her life.

I'm sitting at the topof the slide,

uh, in my own piss, and...

...my oldest sister behind meis yelling, like, "Go!"

I'm nine, okay?

I'm, like, just tall enoughto ride this thing.

The lifeguard over here,

we'll call him "the lifeguard,"

shoves me down.

I have, like, no time to crossmy hands and my legs over my bod

as the signsspecifically instructed

as I was climbing hundredsof feet into this death trap.

Water shot so fastand violently at my crotch.

(chuckles)

I consider that dayat Wet 'n Wild

the day I lost my virginity.

(chuckles)

I was nine, you know?

I could have gonewith waiting a year.

With somebodythat I loved, you know?

I've recently worked upthe courage

to compose a little letterto Wet 'n Wild.

"Dear Wet 'n Wild,why haven't you called?"

"May I suggest you changethe name of the slide

from 'Der Stuka'to 'Just-Douched-Ya.'"

Eh?