Murphy, Dahle, San Juan, Waite, Rutledge, Patton, Haddish

  • Season 4, Ep 0404
  • 11/06/2009

Tiffany Haddish describes the pain of wearing cute shoes, and Charlie Murphy discusses why "The Dog Whisperer" is his favorite show.

Michael Jackson.

Please, give it upfor Michael Jackson.

(cheers and applause)

That's right.

We lost a very special spirit

when we lost Michael Jackson.

And you ain't gonna never seeanother spirit like that again.

This man did a 40-year span

of great music, videos,

and along the way,

he also turned intofive different people.

(laughter)

And you ain't never going to seeanother show like that again.

So, give it up one more time

for the King of Pop.

That's right.

laying on the couch,watching reruns

of The Dog Whisperer.

Oh, yeah.That's my favorite show, man.

You got to check it out.This guy's amazing, man.

He comes over your houseand he trains your dog

in one half hour.

That's right.

I don't care what type of dogyou got or where he been.

Your dog could have just cameback from Michael Vick's house.

Cesar will train him

in one half hour.

The very first episodeI watched,

he went overto these people's house

and they had this ferociousDoberman pinscher in a cage.

I mean, one of themreal grumpy dogs. You know...

(snarling)

Cesar just walked overto the cage, real cool,

put him on the leash.

"Come here, bitch."

(laughter)

Just started walking him.

I was like, "Wait, wait,wait, wait, wait, wait.

"How did he pull that off?Wow!"

I became obsessed with the show,started watching every episode.

And eventually,from me watching it

over and over and overand over again,

I peeped his training technique.

Oh, yeah.

He comes over your house,

and he strangles your dog.

I'm not making this up, man.Watch the show.

It's the same thing every week.

"Oh, yes.Today on The Dog Whisperer,

"I'm goingto be training a pit bull.

"His name is Franciscoand he's right over here.

"Ah, yes. This isFrancisco the pit bull.

"As you can see, he's ina calm, submissive state.

"He gets along wellwith the family.

"The mother, the father,the children, they all love him.

"When the mailman come,Francisco,

"he went outside to getthe mail, and come right back.

"He's a good dog.

"Is only one problem.

"When the childrengo in the pool,

"Francisco, he runs out there

"and jumpson top of their heads.

"That's no good.

"So today, on The Dog Whisperer,I'm going to train Francisco

"not to (bleep)with the children

"when they're in the pool.

"So, first, we need the childrento get in the pool, right?

"Okay, children. Come on.Get in the pool. Come on.

"Go, go, go, go, go, go.

"Look at them. They're so cute.

"Okay, now I'm goingto take Francisco outside,

"but today's goingto be a little bit different

"'cause I'm goingto have him on the leash.

"Come on, Francisco.

"Okay. We're outsideby the pool now. Look.

"The children are having fun.

"Everybody's splashing.

"Francisco is gettinga little agitated.

"He's picking out a target.

"He's getting ready to jump.

"He's getting ready to--

"I told you not to (bleep)with the children, Francisco.

(laughter)

"See, what I amshowing him right now

"is that heis not the pack leader.

See? Look, he's in a calm,submissive state."

By the time he leave the house,

Francisco the pit bull'sin the corner,

horrified, like this.

And right before my man walk outthe door, he goes,

"Psst. Psst.

"Francisco.

"If I ever have to come backhere again...

I'm going to kill you."

And that's why they call him"The Dog Whisperer."

(chuckling)

Koreans are the toughest ones.

(cheering)

You know why?

In the hood, Koreansare the only ones

that open liquor stores.

Filipinos-- no, Japanese-- no,Chinese-- no.

Koreans has got it sewn up.

Remember the riots in L.A.?Koreans were on the rooftop.

"Oh, no, don't take from mystore." (imitates gunshot)

"I see you with 40 ounce.(imitates gunshots)

Oh, don't try to take Kool-Aid."

(rapid gunshots)

"Oh, no, that's Mr. Johnson!

"He the A-number-one customer.

Ching Wa, get Band-aid,aisle four."

(laughter)

Chinese people always messedmy name up

when I was growing up.

My name's Edwin.They called me Heroin.

They'd try to say, "Hey, Edwin."

"Hey, Heroin.

Heroin."

I'm like, "Shh."

"Yo, what you need, dawg?What you need?"

You know what younever see today?

Chinese construction workers.You ever notice that?

You never seeChinese construction workers.

'Cause after buildingthe Great Wall of China,

and working on the railroads,

they're like, "Hell, no!

No more construction."

Chinese people will cook,they'll clean, they'll fish,

but they won't hammer,they won't saw.

They don't even let their kidswatch Bob the Builder.

I bought my Chinese friend,his little brother, some Legos.

You know what he built?A wall.

His uncle almosthad a heart attack.

(gasping in horror)

"You okay?We're going to Wal-Mart."

(gasping)

(with accent):Oh, thank you, thank you.

You ever goto a Chinese restaurant,

try to out-thank the waiter?

It's impossible. Next time youeat Chinese, I dare you.

Try to out-thank the waiter.You can't do it.

"Thank you very much."

"Oh, no, thank you very much."

"No, seriously, thank you."

"No, seriously, thank you."

Try to whisper it:"Thank you."

(whispering)"Oh, no, thank you."

I was driving home.I got a text message.

"Thank you. Thank you."

This guy is great!

Everybody makes fun of Asians.

It's not fair.

Say something abouta black person--

"Oh, that's not right!"

Yeah, but...

(stereotypical Asian laugh)

That's hilarious.

All right?

Black people make fun of Asiansin the liquor stores.

(laughter)See? You know whatI'm talking about.

(applause)

Right?

"Why you got to follow usaround the store?

"Huh, Ching Wa?

Why you got to follow usaround the store?"

I'll tell you why,

'cause people steal.

That's an easy question.

That's like,"Why you scratch your ass?"

"'Cause it itches."

You know what I'm saying?

Why do you think we putsurveillance cameras

in our stores?

So we can rememberour customers?

"Oh, look, there goesMr. Johnson.

He never steal nothing.A-number-one customer."

(laughter)

People steal,that's all I'm saying,

if I'm saying anything at all.

People steal, right?Come on.

Clap your hands if you've neverstole anything

your whole entire life.

(scattered clapping)

Three people clapped. See?

That's why we follow youaround store.

(laughter)

And if you clap right now,

you lie and steal.

(laughter)

And right nowyou're still lying.

It's not easy being Asian.

People make fun of us.

People confuse us withdifferent nationalities, right?

Growing up, people thoughtI was Vietnamese.

That's cool, but have you heardVietnamese people talk?

They sound like they're madall the time.

(imitating Asianspeaker yelling)

(laughter)

I'm all, "Dude,we're in the library, shh."

Vietnamese people have the bestsoup in the whole world.

I don't know if you've evertried it-- it's called pho.

It's spelled P-H-O.It's called pho.

It's delicious.

My friend was braggingabout his mom's soup.

"Yo, my mom makesthe bomb pho."

(laughter)

I was like, "What the phoare we waiting pho?"

Get to his house beforedinner started,

his mom came in--

(imitating Asianspeaker yelling)

I'm all,"Dude, are you in trouble?"

(laughter)

"I took my shoes off."

He's all, "No, my grandma calledand said 'Merry Christmas.'"

I was like, "Pho."

(cheering)

All right, calm down.It's not a rally.

Filipinos actually have a lotin common with Latinos,

'cause for 300 years,

the Philippines wasconquered by Spain, right?

That's why we're calledFilipinos,

'cause it was King Phillip.

Right? I'm just glad it wasKing Phillip

and it wasn't King Dominic.

'Cause then we'dbe called Dominos.

(laughter)

Black people wouldjust call us "bones."

"Are you full bones?"

"No, I'm only half bones.

"You know, the one withtwo dots on this side,

and blank on this side?"

Filipino women love black guys.

I don't know what it is, butFilipino women love black guys.

It's okay, though,

'cause Filipino men loveblack guys, too.

(laughter)

My sister married a black guy.

It's true-- they sayonce you go black,

you never go back. It's true.

My sister's never been backto my mom's house.

(laughter)

Nah, I'm just joking.

My sister's husband,he's a good man. He's a lawyer.

It's good to have a lawyerin your family, right?

But I never thought in all mydreams that my brother-in-law

was going to bea brotha in law.

(laughter)

When Filipinos get oldwe all look the same.

Whether you're male or female,it doesn't matter.

When Filipinos get old,we look like this.

(groans)

(laughter)

All right, screw you guysfor laughing at that.

That's not cool.

That's what I gotto look forward to.

(groans)

That's my uncle--

"What is Ninja Turtle?

"Everybody says I looklike Ninja Turtle.

Is that handsome?"

And he moves so slow, you know.

(groans)(laughter)

Even if he has to go to thebathroom, it's the same pace.

It's just his hand'sright here.

(laughter)

He looks likethe Filipino Fred Sanford.

"It's the big one."

(laughter)

I used to workat a Mexican restaurant.

I was...(laughter)

Wait for the punch line.It's even better.

I was a delivery driver.

I delivered burritos.

Uh, before that, I deliveredpizza a couple places.

So I can tell you guys,the food delivery business

is not at alllike it's portrayed

in the adult film industry.

(laughter)

Yeah. Never once did I get thatdelivery to the sorority house

where they're like, "We'rehungry, but not for pizza."

(imitates funky music)

Yeah. No one's hotfor the pizza guy.

No women are like, "Oh, who'sthat stud in the Geo Metro

with the giant phone on top?"

and a one-year-old daughter.

(sparse cheers)My son, I'll be honest...

Wait for the joke again. Uh...

My son, not really bornfor romantic

or on-purpose kind of reasons.

Uh, just ran out of condoms.

(laughs)Cute story.

(clears throat)

I can't wait till that comes upwhen he's older.

You know, "Daddy, tell me aboutwhen I was born."

"Well, son, it all started

when Walgreenswouldn't take a check."

(laughter)

I think my wife and I havereached the point

in our relationship,we know

we're never goingto get divorced 'cause we know

we don't want anyone elseto ever see us naked.

Just hits you when you'relooking in the mirror one day.

You're like, "Oh, my God.

Honey, have you seen this?"

(laughter)

"So glad I'm not single. Wow.

"I do not want to see the fish

I would catchwith this bait, I don't."

If you're in a long-termrelationship,

there's nothing betterfor you as a couple

than to be out of shape.

'Cause eventually you justget to the point

where it's like, "Well, honey,looks like we've eaten ourselves

into a monogamous relationship."

(laughter)

Nothing says "I love you"

like, "Pass the gravy."

(laughter)

When I got married, all myfriends gave me grief about it.

They were like,"Man, you only get to have sex

with one woman for the restof your life."

Which--that's turned out to be true.

But one woman is actuallya hell of a lot better

than the nobody I was workingwith before, so, you know...

I've been married 12 years.

I don't even fantasizeabout being with

another woman anymore, I don't.

I fantasize about being alone.

(laughter)

I'm not on the Internetlooking at porn every night.

I'm looking atstudio apartments.

(laughter and applause)

I'm like,"Ah, utilities included.

That is so hot!"

That's not even my wife's fault.

That's my kids' fault, okay?

I just want to go somewhere

where I can poopwithout talking.

That's all I want.

I'm like, "I don't knowwho'd win in a fight

"between Batman and Spider-Man.

Daddy's kind of busy in here!"

Probably Spider-Man.

(laughter)

He constantly asks mequestions--

I never know the answer.

I had no idea how stupidI was till I reproduced.

I don't know anything.

They're hard questions.

"Daddy, why are tongues red?"

What am I, Google?

No one knows that.(laughter)

"Why is the grass green?Why is the sky blue?"

I'm like, "I don't know--

why couldn't he becolorblind, I wonder, hmm?"

He asked me this recently. Uh...

"Daddy, what languagedoes God speak?"

Okay, did you smokea joint for breakfast?

(laughter)

Yeah, who asks that questionnot high?

Honestly.

Little stoner.

"I think it's the languageof love, Dad."

(laughter)

He never stops talking, ever.

Every thought in his brain

is going to come outof his mouth-- all day.

"Daddy, did you knowtrees are green,

"and green's my favorite color.What's your favorite color?

"Is it orange? That's mysecond favorite color.

"Hey, where's Mommy?Can I have a Popsicle?

"Yesterday I pooped in the car.Can we go to McDonald's?

How much does it costto buy a submarine?"

I'm like... "Blue!

"What was the first question?

"It's 6:30 in the morning,I'm on the toilet.

Take it down a notch,you crackhead."

(laughter)

"How do you wake up talking?"

How is that scientificallyeven possible

to wake up talking?

I've seen him sleepin our bed.

I've seen him wake up.

It's terrifying. It's just...

"Daddy, do alligatorsever eat sharks?

"Are there still pirates?

Can I have a nail gun?Why are you crying?"

I'm like... (sobbing)

(laughter)

(groans)

"I was just thinkingabout Walgreen's."

(laughter)

Give me some money.

(laughter)

I don't, um... I know we'reall broke in this economy,

but here you go.

I, uh, yesterday was my day off.

I woke up at 9:00 a.m.,I took a few sleeping pills,

I went back to bed and justslept the day gone.

Because the only way I cansurvive off what I make

is if my week is onlysix days long.

into work, uh, don't.

Call them. You can saywhatever you want,

and they'll give you...Call in sick, whatever.

It's a sick day. They're gonnagive you the day off.

You can lie, you can lieyour ass off. I do.

I would call in and be, like,

"Hey, what's up?It's me, it's Sean.

"I, uh, I'm not gonna make itinto work today.

"I, uh... (roars)

"I'm sorry. I got the roars.

(snarling)

Uh, no, I'm a bobcat."

Or this. This will get you offfor, like, a month straight

if you need it.

"Hey, what's up?It's me, it's Sean.

"I'm not gonna make itinto work. I, uh...

(beatboxing)

"Sorry, that's embarrassing.

"Um, I can't... (beatboxing)

"I'm sorry. (beatboxing)I got the beatboxes.

"It's pretty bad.(rhythmic scratching)

"Oh, (bleep, scratch) oh,(bleep, scratch) oh...

"And the scratch...

"Oh, (scratch) oh,(bleep, scratch)...

"And the scratches, too.

"I got the...

(scratching, beatboxing)

♪ Your whole crew is wack!

"I don't even know whatI'm gonna say next.

"I can't even (scratches),I can't even (scratches),

"I can't even fi... (scratches),

"I can't even (scratches),I can't... I can't even...

I can't even finish a sentence."

(applause and cheering)

My own brain hates me.

It's a jerk.

If my brain could becomea person,

it would be a bully thatfollowed me around 24-seven

that only I could see or hear.

'Cause no matter what I'm doing,

my brain will eventuallychime in like,

"Hey, what's going on, loser?

"What are you doing, losing?

"What's it likelosing all the time?

"Hey, look... hey, lookwhat I found

"when I was digging arounddeep in our memory banks.

"You remember this?

"You were 12 years old.

"Some nine-year-old kid beat youup and stole your bike

"and all you did was cry.

"You should think about thatfor a couple of weeks

"and then start smokingagain, sissy.

(laughter)

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, are youtalking to a girl?

(scoffs)

"Who do you think you are,dweebus?

"Hey, stare at her crotch.Stare at her crotch.

"Stare at her crotch.Stare at her crotch.

"Stare at her crotch...Stare at her crotch!

"Stare at her crotch!Stare at her crotch!

"Do it. She wants you to.

Why else would she bewearing blue jeans?"

(laughter)

how many of you are takingpenis enlargement pills?

(hooting)

WOMAN:Yeah!

All right, fair enough.Very proud of that.

(laughter)

(woman shouting)

All right.

See, men take these pillsbecause they want

to, you know, impress women.

Because they think, oh, womenonly want to sleep

with men who have big dongs.

Is that true?I don't know, let's find out.

Women, how many of you can onlysleep with a man

if you know he's got a big,frickin' ding-a-ling?

(women hooting)

All right, honesty.Honesty's good.

See, here's the thing--

women like that exist--

women who can only sleepwith a man

whose got a big frickin' penis.

And there's a reasonbehind that.

It's a medical condition.

I'll explain it to youright now.

(laughter)

Those type of women can onlysleep with a man

if he's got a big penis

because they need that big(bleep)

to fill the inner voidwithin them...

(laughter and applause)

You know, the one that's causedby the lack of a soul.

(laughter)

I don't-- I don't havea big penis.

And you know what,I don't want one.

I don't need one.I'm good with my discrete penis.

(laughter)

It's been mine all my life.

I know exactly how to use it.

I know its strengths,I know its weaknesses.

It's compact, but it handlesthe road, you know?

(laughter)

And it gets great gas mileage.

And it has a sun roofand power locks.

Anyway...

Just imagine a warrior,

the deadliest warriorin the world,

but he's only deadlywith a dagger.

Doesn't matter the sizeof your weapon if you're deadly.

What I'm trying to say is,

ladies, just let me come at youwith my dagger.

I promise I will slay thee.

(laughter)

I'm exaggerating a little bitabout the...

It's not that small. Not...

Okay, here's somethingwe can all relate to.

If my penis were, say,an annual salary,

$47,000 a year...

with dental.

That's pretty good.

$47,000's plenty, ladies,

if you just, uh, tighten upyour budget.

(groaning)

Have a tight budget.

Don't just have a loose,skanky-ass budget, you know?

I'm feeling all good 'causeI'm wearing my hairdo

from 1992 right now.

I'm feeling so cute.

I feel like, ♪ Aisha,you are the girl. ♪

Feeling good, man.

I feel like doingsome Double Dutch for no reason.

Like, oh, shoot.

Little bit faster.

In the three-inch heelsmy baby toe is dying right now.

Whoo! You ever wear some shoesthat was just, whoo,

they just, these ain't right,y'all.

These Bogoes ain't good.

"Doesn't it feel goodto pay less?"

Hell, no, bitch!

Hell, no. My-my baby toe is deadright now.

The middle toe is just incardiac arrest like (groans).

I just want to do the restof the show

just walking on the sideof my shoes,

like, "Forget it.You know what? This is..."

Ladies, you ever been in a club,you got your cute shoes on?

You go out with your homegirls,they got they shoes on.

Everything, y'all lookin' good.

You dancing and everything,like, "This is my..."

(panting)

"Amber, can we go home?

No? Well, forget you, then.I'm gonna just go sit down."

And you sit down on your littlechair and you're like...

"I hate this bitch.

"Look at her, just dancing,having fun and stuff.

Ooh, look, I can't believe her.That's why she fat."

And you be wanting to cry,but you can't

'cause you in the club so youstill gotta be kinda cute.

And then a dude come up to you,be, like,

"Hey, baby, can I get youa drink?" "Well, yes, you can."

You start walking like a horsethen, like a parade horse.

You, like, going "Well, shoot.

What's your name?What's your name?"

(neighing)

(laughter)

Yeah, I'll havea cranberry vodka.

"Yeah, yeah, the cranberry'sfor the house,

"the vodka's for you, sir.

I'm gonna give it to you."

These jeans are cutting offthe circulation

to my house right now.It's killing me. Whoo!

They so tight. You ever wearsome jeans that was so tight,

when you took 'em off,

it still look like yougot jeans on?

You be with your dude,your dude be, like,

"Take your pants off."

"I did take 'em off.Come on and handle this."

He be, like, "Oh, no."

(chuckles)Are you ever...?

Ladies, ladies, I just wantto know,

you ever wear a thong that wasjust one size too small?

And your, you got one-one(bleep) one part of your (bleep)

just hanging out on the side,

and you wantto put your (bleep) back,

but you can't put your(bleep)?

You can't just put yourkoo-koo back like you want to.

You can't, 'cause you a lady.

You can't just, you can't justadjust. You can't.

You gotta be strategic about it.A man, a man just be, like,

(deep voice): "Yeah, we gonna goplay some basketball.

Go fishing. (sniffs)Hand me them chips, dawg."

(laughter)

Did you really just do thatright now? That is so nasty.

But when you a lady,you gotta be creative

and innovative about howyou do it and stuff.

You know, you be at work.

You a bailiff at court,you know, standing there,

got (bleep) just...

Like, "I need everyoneto please rise for the judge.

"Oh, yeah, I used to bea ballerina

before I got into the...into the law forces."

It's a little stretchthat I do.

Trying to put your stuff back,you know?

Or you do the walk.You do the walk.

Somebody didthe walk coming in here tonight.

Like, "Girl, we fixin' to goup in this Gotham.

It's gonna be so good."

And dudes be, like,"Dang, she's sexy."

No, she's yeasty,or her koo-koo is hanging out.

One or the other.She wants to scratch or adjust.

One or the other, man.

That's all that's going onright there.