Food

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 02/21/2000

Fitness fascists search for hidden fatties, and a hungry subway conductor holds a train hostage.

HI, WELCOME TOHAPPY BAKERY.

HOW CANI HELP YOU ?

ACTUALLY, I NEED TOMAKE A COMPLAINT.

I WAS JUST IN HERE ANDI GOT THE "BIG BOY" MUFFIN ?

OH, I REMEMBER YOU,YOU WANTED SOMETHINGREALLY BIG.

RIGHT, AND THISWAS REALLY BIG...

THE SIZE OFA BABY'S HEAD.

RIGHT, WHICH ISEXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID

WHEN YOU WRAPPEDIT UP FOR ME...

BUT WHAT YOU DIDN'T SAY--

AND THIS IS PARTLY MY FAULTFOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION--

IS THAT IT'S ACTUALLY THE SHAPEOF A BABY'S HEAD, AS WELL.

YEAH.

I CAN'T EAT THAT.

OKAY, JUST PICK SOMETHING ELSE OUT,FREE OF CHARGE.

THANK YOU, WHAT ELSEDO YOU HAVE ?

WELL WE HAVE A COUPLE OFSPECIALS TODAY:

WE HAVE A LITTLE BOYHUDDLED OVER, WEEPING...

WE HAVE AN INNOCENT MANIN AN ELECTRIC CHAIR.

AND WE ALSO HAVEWHITE-FROSTED COPS

BEATING UP ANOAT BRAN ACTIVIST.

HEY, MARGIE, GIMME AHALF-CAFFE LATTE

AND A HOMELESS MANURINATING HIMSELF, TO GO.

YOU GOT IT.

SO HAVE YOU FOUND OUTWHAT YOU WANT ?

NO, THEY'REALL HORRIBLE !

DON'T YOU HAVEANY NORMAL MUFFINS ?

OH UH... UMMM

WE HAVE A CAKE !

IT'S SHAPED LIKE THE ATOMIC BOMBTHAT WAS DROPPED ON HIROSHIMA.

WE COULD CUT OF THEMUSHROOM CLOUD PART

AND THAT WOULD KINDALOOK LIKE A REGULAR MUFFIN.

NO THANKS... YOUR SIGNUP THERE SAYS "HAPPY BAKERY".

YOU'D THINK YOU'DHAVE SOMETHING TO EAT

BESIDES TRAGEDY AND MISERY.

I'M SORRY...AT HAPPY BAKERY

WE DON'T EATHAPPY THINGSTO MAKE US HAPPY

WE EAT THINGS WEWANT TO GET RID OF

TO MAKE US FEEL BETTER.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

OKAY, LET ME EXPLAIN...

TAKE THIS"ATM FEE" MUFFIN,FOR EXAMPLE.

YOU BUY THE MUFFIN,

CONFRONTING YOUR PROBLEMWITH THE ATM FEES.

THEN YOUCHEW THE MUFFIN,

UNDERSTANDING THOSE FEES, RIGHT ?

AND THEN YOU'RE CHEWING,AND THEN YOU SWALLOW THE MUFFIN

ACCEPTING THOSE FEES

UNTIL FINALLY THE MUFFINPASSES THROUGH YOU

AND OUT YOUAND INTO THE TOILET

WHERE YOU FLUSH AWAYTHOSE FEES FOREVER.

AND THEN YOU'REFINALLY HAPPY !

OKAY... THENI'LL HAVE AN...

IMPOTENT GENITALIA...

OKAY.

AN OVERBEARING MOTHERWITH BLUEBERRIES.

AND A CHEATING WIFE...

AND A FATHERWHO WAS NEVER THERE,WITH NUTS.

OH, I'M SORRY...

WE ONLY HAVE THEMWITHOUT NUTS.

THAT'S OKAY...

HE LOST THEMIN VIETNAM.

YOU CAN CHANGE HERETO THE "B" TRAIN

AND IT'S ALSO A GOOD STOPTO GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH.

WHAT DID HE JUST SAY ?

TIMES SQUARE IS NEXT.

NO RADIO PLAYINGIS ALLOWED ON THE SUBWAY

BUT GIVING SANDWICHES TO YOURCONDUCTOR IS ALLOWED.

YOU CAN PLAY YOUR RADIOIF YOU GIVE ME A SANDWICH.

I THINK HEWANTS A SANDWICH.

HEY, HE JUSTSKIPPED MY STOP !

I JUST PASSEDTHAT LAST STOP

BRAIN'S NOT WORKING BECAUSE OFA LACK OF BLOOD SUGAR...

PROBABLY JUST NEEDA SANDWICH.

THERE'S A RED TOMATO SIGNALUP AHEAD...

HEY, I DON'T SEEANY RED SIGNAL.

THE SIGNAL IS NOW GREEN

THE SIGNAL IS NOW GREEN LIKELETTUCE ON A SANDWICH IS GREEN

BUT WE'RE GONNA BE STALLED HEREON THE TRACK

UNTIL SOMEONE GIVES METHEIR SANDWICH.

HE'S HOLDING US HOSTAGE !

HEY, PAL, WHAT GIVES YOU THERIGHT TO DEMAND OUR FOOD ?

( voice echoing )I AM THE GREAT CONDUCTOR.

I TAKE YOU TOWHERE YOU WANT TO GO.

YOU OWE ME TRIBUTE.

YOU'RE NOTA GREAT CONDUCTOR.

YOU'RE JUST A FAT,GREEDY PIG !

PAY NO ATTENTION TOTHE PIG BEHIND THE DOOR.

THE GREAT CONDUCTOR WILL TAKE YOU WHERE YOU DESIRE.

HEY, WE'REAT THE STATION !

ALL YOU HAD TO DOWAS GIVE ME A SANDWICH.

AND I WOULD HAVEOPENED THE DOORS.

OKAY BUDDY, LET'S GO--YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL.

NO WAIT, WAIT !

CAN WE GO TO A JAIL THAT HAS BARS MADE OUT OF

PROVOLONE, PROSCIUTTOLETTUCE, AND TOMATO

ON A KAISER ROLL ?

LET'S GO... C'MON.

WAIT, NO !

C'MON READY,1... 2...

UGHNNN !

OH GEEZ !

( doorbell ringing )

HELLO, MR. SIMMONS !

MY NAME ISGALE HEART.

I WORK FOR GLENDALE FITNESS GATED COMMUNITY

AND WE'D LIKE TOWELCOME YOU TOTHE COMMUNITY !

UH, THANK YOU, BUT I'VE LIVED INTHIS HOUSE FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS

AND THIS PART OF TOWN HAS ALWAYSBEEN KNOWN AS "RIVER HEIGHTS".

UM-HMM, WELL GLENDALE FITNESSJUST BOUGHT RIVER HEIGHTS.

SO WE'RE JUST COMING BYTO LET PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT

SOME OF OURNEW POLICIES !

THIS IS AGAINSTMY RIGHTS.

OH, WELL LET CHECK...

NO, IT ISN'T.

RULE NUMBER ONE:

NO FATTIES.

THIS IS AFITNESS COMMUNITY

AND WHAT MAKES OUR COMMUNITYSO SPECIAL AND HAPPY

IS THAT IT'S FILLED WITHNORMAL-SIZED HUMANS.

YES, BUT I'M NOT FAT.

SO WHY ARE YOUTELLING ME THIS ?

OKAY...

YOU'RE RIGHT,YOU'RE NOT.

HAVE A GOOD ONE !

THAT WAS CLOSE, DAD !

THAT MADE ME HUNGRY !

ME TOO, BOYS.

WE'LL HAVE FLANAND TIRAMISU !

( knocking on door )

QUICKLY CHILDREN, HIDE !

GLENDALE FITNESS AUTHORITY !

I KNOW YOU'RE HIDINGFATTIES IN THERE.

OPEN UP !

HELLO...( sniffing )

SOMETHING SMELLSLIKE MEATBALL SUB ?

I WAS JUST BURNINGSOME MEATBALL SUB INCENSE.

YES...

I SEE, I SEE... INCENSE.

AHH, I SEE YOULIKE TO READ, MR. SIMMONS.

I HOPE THAT THESEARE NOT COOKBOOKS.

HMMM...A DIARY OF SOME SORT.

"OCTOBER 2nd"...THAT IS TODAY.

"TODAY IS A MOSTBEAUTIFUL DAY

BECAUSE TODAY DADDY PROMISED US MEATBALL SUBS."

"I ALSO LIKE CORN DOGS,APPLE FRITTERS,

BUTTERSCOTCH CHEWIES,LENTIL SOUP, SAUSAGE CALZONES"

THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.

MR. SIMMONS !

WE HAVE BANNED THIS TYPE OFLITERATURE IN THE NEW COMMUNITY.

YOU REALIZE...

THAT WE HAVE CERTAIN METHODSFOR IDENTIFYING THE OVEREATERS.

MR. SIMMONS,DID YOU KNOW THAT FATTIES

HAVE AN EXTRA BONE IN THEIR STOMACH ?

NO, I DIDN'TKNOW THAT.

YES, YES...

BUT OF COURSE THE MOSTDISTINCTIVE FEATUREOF THE FATTIES IS...

THE SHAPE OFTHEIR FEET.

WHY ARE YOU WEARINGSHOES INSIDE OF THE HOUSE,MR. SIMMONS ?

DO YOU HAVESOMETHING TO HIDE ?

WE HAVE HARDWOOD FLOORS,IT'S COLD--

( kid )PASS THEKETCHUP PLEASE.

WHAT WAS THAT ?

IT'S AN OLD HOUSE,IT CREAKS.

SHHH !NOW CHILDREN PLEASE !

TRY NOT TO SAY ANYTHING FAT.

BUT, MOM, I WANT THE BUTTERFOR MY CHEESY HAM HOCKS.

AND I WANT SOME SOUR CREAMFOR MY FRIED SALAD.

OKAY MR. SIMMONS, I WILL BE LEAVING NOW.

BUT BEFORE I GO,I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY...

FREE CHOCOLATE !

FREE CHOCOLATE !FREE CHOCOLATE !

FREE CHOCOLATE !

NO, NO !

PLEASE, NO !

IT'S NOTTHEIR FAULT !

OUR FAMILY HASGLANDULAR PROBLEMS !

PLEASE, WE'RENOT REALLY FAT !

WE'RE JUSTRETAIN WATER !

PLEASE !

THEY TOOK MY FAMILYTO THE WORKOUT CAMP !

AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT !

DAMN YOU,SKINNY PEOPLE !

UGHN !

( sobbing )

HEY YOU !

YOU'RE FAT,YOU'RE ONE OF US.

WHAT ?

UMMMPH !

I'M SORRY WE HAD TOKNOCK YOU OUT,

BUT WE COULDN'T REVEALTHE SECRET ENTRANCETO OUR UNDERGROUND.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'REUNDERNEATH THE CITY

WHERE THE FOOD COURTSUSED TO BE.

CINNABON,PECAN LOG CABIN !

ORANGE JULIUS...TACO FEO--

OH MY GOD !

THAT LITTLE DOG WAS MY FAVORITETV STAR, GROWING UP !

YEAH.

UMMMPH !

WE HAVE FORMED ANOVERWEIGHT PEOPLE UNDERGROUND.

WAIT, WHY DID YOUKNOCK ME OUT AGAIN ?

WE HAVEN'T GONE ANYWHERE.

BECAUSE...I DON'T LIKE YOU.

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