Cake Train

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 01/14/2014

C-Czar begins his training at Dad Academy, Pretty Liz gets a visit from her niece Denise, and Gil and George prank a British nanny.

- WE NEED TO PULL TOGETHERAS A TEAM

AND GET THIS PRODUCTTO THE CLIENT TONIGHT.

- KAREN, I'VE GOT PLANS TONIGHTWITH MY--

- FRANK, CANCEL YOUR PLANS.

[train whistle blows]

- KAREN?

KAREN?[train whistle blows]

[train whistle blows]

[train whistle blows]

[train whistle blows]

[train whistle blows]

[train whistle blows]

[dramatic music]

[train crossing bell ringing]

[dramatic music]

[fly buzzing]

[train bell ringing]

- OKAY, LET THEM EAT CAKE.

I'M C-CZAR.BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I'M ABOUT TO BECOMEA TEENAGE DAD.

AND NOW SIX EXPERTS ARE GONNATEACH ME HOW TO BE THE ONE THING

THAT I NEVER HADIN MY OWN LIFE--A DAD.

FOR EVERY PAPA QUIZ I PASS,I GET A DOPE-ASS TATTOO.

WELCOME TO THIS IS DAD ACADEMY.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, SNAP,IT'S A LITTLE C-CZAR.

I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY.CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

I UNDERSTANDTHAT IF I WANT TO SEE

THE SHORTY MAKING MY BABY,

I MUST COME CORRECT,

WHICH I WILL,TINY PROFESSOR.

- BYE-BYE.- BYE. I LOVE YOU, C-CZAR.

SO TODAY I'M MEETINGMY FIRST DAD EXPERT,

AND I'M EXCITEDBUT ALSO ANNOYED.

- I'M THE WALLET.

- WHY DO I CALL YOU A WALLET?YOU JUST A MAN.

- IN THE STRUCTUREOF THIS SHOW,

THE DAD ACADEMY,I REPRESENT THE WALLET.

I'M THE FINANCIAL PORTIONOF THE DAD PROGRAM,

AND IT'S MY JOB TO GET YOUFINANCIALLY SOUND TODAY

SO THAT YOU CAN BECOMETHE GOOD DAD WE KNOW YOU CAN BE.

WE BROUGHT YOU TO A PLACE

THAT YOU CAN AFFORDON YOUR CURRENT BUDGET.

- OKAY.- C-CZAR.

- WHAT?- I THINK THE RESULTS

ARE GOING TO SHOCKAND HORRIFY YOU.

- FOR REAL?- YEAH.

- OKAY.- C-CZAR, THIS IS IT.

- OH, SNAP,THIS PLACE IS AWESOME.

- NO, THIS PLACEIS NOT AWESOME.

- THAT'S MY OLD CRATE.

- WHAT?- THIS IS MY HOUSE?

- THAT'S A KENNEL FOR A DOG.- THIS IS WHAT I LIVED IN

FOR THE FIRST TWO YEARSOF MY LIFE, C-CZAR.

I WAS CRATE-TRAINED.

- HE'S CALLING ME C-CZAR.IS THAT...?

- I'M COMFORTABLE IN HERE.

- THAT AS IT MAY BE,THE HOUSE IS ACTUALLY THIS WAY.

- OH, SNAP, SWEET HOUSE.

OH, SNAP,MY VERY OWN BATHROOM.

LET THEM EAT CAKE.

OKAY, THIS IS WHERE BABY C-CZARWILL SLEEP.

OKAY.OH, SNAP, THIS IS ALL MINE?

ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA SIGN MY LEASE.

- SO, C-CZAR, HOW ARE YOUFINDING YOUR...?

WHO WROTE ON THE WALL?

- UH, THAT WAS HEREWHEN I GOT HERE.

- [vomiting]

[toilet flushing]

- LIZ, IS IT SWIMSUIT SEASON?

- MM?

- 'CAUSE YOU JUST, LIKE,RALPHED.

I COULD TELL THAT THERE WASSOMETHING WRONG WITH LIZ

'CAUSE WE'RE LIKE TWINS.

PEOPLE MISTAKE USFOR ONE ANOTHER ALL THE TIME

AND NOT JUST ON THE PHONE.

- LIZ, I DON'T WANT TO SAYANYTHING TOO EARLY,

BECAUSE, LIKE, I WANTED TO BE,LIKE, A LADY ABOUT IT,

'CAUSE THAT'S, LIKE, MY VIBE,BUT, LIKE, HONESTLY,

THE CAT'S, LIKE, PRETTY MUCH OUTOF THE BUN, AND, LIKE...

- WHAT?

- I'M PREGNANT.

- WHA--

THAT'S AMAZING.- THANK YOU.

- I'M LIZ.

MY BODY'S CHANGING,AND SO ARE MY PRIORITIES.

- AND I'M LIZ.

IF I HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK,

THEN I'M NOT GOINGTO WORK AT ALL.

I'M THE BIGGER ONE.

- AND THIS IS TEMPORARY.

OUR P.R. FIRMIS CALLED PUBLIZITY.

[both slurping]

- IT'S BASED OFF OUR NAMES.

- YOU HAVE MILK VOICE.- SHUT UP, LIZ.

- I'M KEEPING IT THIS TIME.

- AMAZING.- THANK YOU.

- O.M.G., I'M SORRY.I DIDN'T REALIZE

YOU COULD GET PREGNANT FROMA GUY BLASTING ON YOUR STOMACH.

I'M TRYING TO THINKABOUT THE DIFFERENT GUYS

THAT HAVE PROBABLY [bleep]ON YOUR STOMACH

THAT YOU WOULD THEN SCOOPTHAT [bleep] INTO YOUR VAGINA,

LIKE, USING A PIECE OF PAPEROR, LIKE--

- WELL, THAT WOULD BE, LIKE,AN ALTERNATIVE LIST,

BECAUSE, LIKE, THIS TIME,THE FELLOW,

LIKE, ACTUALLY,LIKE, LOOKED ME

RIGHT INTO MY FACE,AND, LIKE, WHEN HE SAW MY FACE,

THAT'S EXACTLY THE MOMENT THAT,LIKE, HE SHOT UP HIS STUFF,

LIKE, RIGHT INSIDEOF MY THING.

THE FATHER OF THE BABYIS A TOILET BABY, C-CZAR,

AND, LIKE, I DON'T CAREWHO KNOWS THAT,

EXCEPT FOR, LIKE,MOST OF THE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW.

LIKE, I DON'T WANT THEMTO KNOW,

'CAUSE I'M, LIKE, HORRIFIEDBY IT

AND, LIKE, VERY EMBARRASSED.

CASSANDRA,GIVE ME THE BUCKET.

[breathes heavily]

[spits]

I JUST KEEP THROWING UP.

- ARE YOU SURETHAT'S NOT SOME GUY'S...

- WHAT?

OH, THE STUFF?

WHO CAN NEVER BE SURE?

- ♪ EXTRAORDINARY

♪ GIRL

- YES.- FLOWN HERE

FOR THE JOB INTERVIEW.

- YOU'VE GOT THREE BOYS,AND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A NANNY.

- UH-HUH.- AND I'M A NANNY,

AND HERE I AM.- YEAH, WE REMEMBER.

- I KNOW.SO I JUST...

- LITTLE DID YOU KNOWTHAT YOU WOULD BE PRANKED

WITH TOO MUCH TUNA.

SO TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF.

- UM, WELL, I'VE BEEN WORKINGFOR TEN YEARS.

- OH-HO-HO.

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT DID YOU ORDER?

- WHAT HAS BEEN PLACEDIN FRONT OF YOU?

- WHAT DID YOU DO?

- OH.- I'M SORRY.

I DON'T--

- YOU'VE BEEN PRANKED.

- LOOK AT THAT.- YEP.

- NOW, WOULDN'T YOU SAYTHAT THAT IS...?

- SO THEY--THEY'RE NOT COMING,THE CHILDREN?

- WHO?- THE KIDS.

- WHAT KIDS?

OH, THE FAKE AD.

NO, THERE'S NO KIDS.- NO KIDS.

- NO.- THERE'S ONE BABY HERE.

- THAT GUY RIGHT THERE.

- I DON'T EVEN LIKE TUNA,AND YOU MADE ME FLY

ALL THE WAY OVER HEREFROM LONDON.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THE BOAT?- YEAH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TAKEA LINER.

- SO THERE'S NO JOB,AND THERE'S NO CHILDREN AND--

- MAY I ASK YOUA QUESTION?

AND I DON'T--I DON'T MEANTO BE RUDE.

DO YOU HAVE[bleep] MEMENTO DISEASE?

'CAUSE EVERY TWO MINUTES--"IS THERE A JOB?

IS THERE KIDS?"

THERE'S NO KIDS.THERE'S NO JOB.

THERE'S TOO MUCH TUNA.

YOU'RE ON A PRANK SHOW.

- RIGHT.

- WOULD YOU SIGN A RELEASE?

SO IT'S UP TO USTO PICK UP THE SLACK, OKAY?

[door closes]- UM, HELLO?

- YEAH.MAY I HELP YOU?

- UM, I'M DENISE.

- YEAH, MY NAME IS LIZ.I'M PART OF PUBLIZITY.

IT'S BASED OFF OUR NAMES.

- UH...

DO YOU KNOWWHERE MY AUNT ELIZABETH IS?

- OKAY, YOU GUYS, GETTHE [bleep] OUT OF HERE, OKAY?

HI, SWEETHEART.

- UM, I'M MY AUNT ELIZABETH'SNIECE DENISE.

AND...

WHAT THE HECK?

- THAT'S CASSANDRA.

YOU DON'T HAVETO PAY ATTENTION TO HER, OKAY?

SO YOU CAME HERE TO SEEYOUR AUNT ELIZABETH.

- EXACTLY. MY AUNT ELIZABETHINVITED ME TO COME

AND VISIT HER,AND SO I DID.

AND SHE SENT MEIN A LIMOUSINE FROM THE AIRPORT.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD CALLMY PARENTS AND TELL THEM THAT...

[breathes deeply]

MY AUNT ELIZABETHDIDN'T COME AFTER THE LIMO.

- YOUR PARENTS TALKABOUT YOUR AUNT ELIZABETH?

- THEY SAY THAT SHE'SA PIECE-OF-TRASH PERSON.

- YOU'RE FUNNY.I LIKE YOU.

- YOU'RE FUNNY.

YOU'RE BASICALLY THE LARGESTWOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN.

- OH, MY GOD, THANK YOU.- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD, LIKE,GO OUT TO LUNCH

AND JUST HAVE,LIKE, GIRL TALK.

- IS THIS A TRICK?

- LOOK, YOU HAVE THIS SWEET,LOST LITTLE GIRL.

IT'S, LIKE, MY MOTHERINGINSTINCTS JUST, LIKE...

[deep voice]KICK IN.

[upbeat music]

AND, LIKE, NOWI JUST, LIKE, WANT TO EAT SALAD.

IT'S, LIKE, CRAZY.

IT'S, LIKE,THAT'S WHAT I'M CRAVING.

SO, LIKE, THAT'SWHAT I'M HAVING FOR LUNCH.

- NICE SHOES.I LIKE THOSE.

- OH, YOU LIKE THEM?- YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.

- YEAH, WE GOT 'EMON A SHOPPING SPREE TODAY.

- IT'S AMAZINGWHAT YOU CAN GET SHOPPING.

- WAIT.HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

ARE YOU A PHOTOGRAPHER?- YEAH.

- WELL, THIS IS DENISE.SHE'S VISITING.

- HI.- HEY.

- OH, MY GOD.I JUST HAD AN AMAZING IDEA.

THERE'S, LIKE,CRAZY ARTISTIC CHEMISTRY

HAPPENING HERE.[camera shutter clicking]

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN DOINGA PHOTO SHOOT WITH DENISE

SO SHE CAN GET, LIKE,SOME HEAD SHOTS AND STUFF?

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?I MEAN, OF COURSE I WANT

TO TAKE PICTURES OF HER.

- AM I BEING DISCOVEREDRIGHT NOW?

AND IF SO, CAN YOU PLEASE TAKEMY PICTURE

BY A COCONUT PALM TREE?

- I CAN TAKE YOUR PICTURENEXT TO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

LET'S START RIGHT NOW.[cell phone buzzing]

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?I JUST HAVE TO TAKE THIS CALL.

YOU GUYS SIT DOWNAND FIGURE IT OUT.

NO, JUST DO IT.I GOT TO TAKE THIS.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.- HELLO? NO, CASSANDRA!

YOU'RE BEING A [bleep] IDIOT!- LIZ!

LIZ.

OH, WE'RE STARTING?[camera shutter clicks]

CAN I SEE?

[camera shutter clicks] CAN I SEE?

- OH, THESE ARE GREAT.[camera shutter clicks]

- CAN I SEE IT?

[camera shutter clicks]MAY I PLEASE SEE IT?

[camera shutter clicks]OH, THAT WAS A WINK.

- OH, MY GOD,I SEE MAGAZINE COVERS HERE.

- REALLY?DO YOU KNOW WHERE LIZ WENT?

- WHO'S LIZ?

- LIZ IS MY...[camera shutter clicks]

LIZ IS MY...[camera shutter clicking]

LIZ IS MY...

[camera shutter clicking]- YOU'RE MY NIECE NOW.

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