Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Donald Glover

  • Season 14, Ep 9
  • 01/11/2010

Donald Glover warns against taking advice from Tracy Morgan and details the anatomy of a nerd.

SO, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

I USED TO WRITE FOR THIS SHOWCALLED "30 ROCK."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S WHAT'S UP, RIGHT?

AND I LOVE WRITING, BUT WHENI STARTED DOING STAND-UP,

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY KNOWWHAT I'M DOING.

I'M GONNA TALK TO TRACYABOUT IT."

I WAS GONNA ASK TRACY WHAT --

"DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ME,'CAUSE I'M JUST STARTING.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS?"

AND HE WAS LIKE[ As Tracy Morgan ] "YEAH, MAN,

TALK ABOUT PENISES, MAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

HE WAS LIKE [ As Tracy Morgan ]"YEAH, MAN, TALK ABOUT PENISES.

"DUDES LOVE THAT [BLEEP] MAN.

"TALK ABOUT PENISES.

"I'LL TELL YOU A STORY, MAN.

"ONE TIME I HAD BROKEN INTOTHIS ASIAN GIRL'S DORM ROOM

AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND I FELL ASLEEP.

"AND THEY WOKE ME UPAND THEY SAID,

"'TRACY, YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ONIN FIVE MINUTES.'

"AND I DIDN'T HAVE NO MATERIAL.

"SO I JUST SAID [BLEEP]FOR 45 MINUTES.

"I TALKED ABOUT PENISESFOR 45 MINUTES.

DO THAT. DO THAT, MAN."

[ Normal voice ]SO I DID THAT.

YOU KNOW,I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I WAS LIKE,"OKAY, IT'S TRACY MORGAN.

I'M GONNA LISTEN TO HIM."SO I DID THAT.

I TALKED ABOUT PENISES,AND PEOPLE LOVED IT.

IT WAS GOOD.IT WENT WELL.

AND THEN, AFTERWARDS,A DUDE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, CHRIS WANTS TO TALKTO YOU."

I WAS LIKE, "WHO?"

"CHRIS ROCK WANTS TO TALKTO YOU."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?!CHRIS ROCK?!"

I LOVE CHRIS ROCK.CHRIS ROCK'S MY IDOL, RIGHT?

SO I'M LIKE, "YEAH."I GO UP TO HIM.

I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH."I'M EXCITED.

"YO, WHAT'D YOU THINK?"

HE WAS LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ]"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]I WAS LIKE, "I-I DON'T KNOW."

HE'S LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ]

"'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKEYOU WENT ONSTAGE

AND SAID [BLEEP]FOR 45 MINUTES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]AND HE RIPPED INTO ME, MAN.

HE RIPPED INTO ME,AND THAT BROKE MY HEART,

'CAUSE I LOVE CHRIS ROCK.

I USED TO DO HIS BITSALL THE TIME.

HE HAS A FAMOUS BIT CALLED,

YOU KNOW,"'N' WORD VERSUS BLACK PEOPLE."

AND I LOVE THAT BIT,

BUT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO SAYTHE "N" WORD IN THE HOUSE.

MY PARENTS WOULDN'TLET ME SAY THE "N" WORD,

SO I JUST DID "BLACK PEOPLEVERSUS VAMPIRES" INSTEAD.

I WAS UP THERE,YOU KNOW, TELLING JOKES.

I WAS LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ]"THERE'S TWO CATS.

"TWO CATS GOIN' ON.

"THERE'S BLACK PEOPLEAND VAMPIRES.

"THE VAMPIRES GOT TO GO.

"EVERY TIME BLACK PEOPLEWANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,

"IGNORANT-ASS VAMPIRES GOTTO RUIN IT FOR EVERYBODY.

"CAN'T KEEP A BLOOD BANK OPEN.GRAND OPENING?

"YOU WANT TO KNOW THE WORSTTHING ABOUT VAMPIRES?

"THE WORST THINGABOUT VAMPIRES --

"VAMPIRES CAN'T BEIN THE SUN, BOY.

YOU CAN'T HAVE NO VAMPIRE FRIENDAND THEN TAKE HIM TO THE BEACH."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]I GOT PRETTY GOOD AT IT.I GOT PRETTY GOOD AT IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

LIKE, IT REALLY BROKE MY HEART.

LIKE, IT'S HARD,BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE THERE'S SO MANY THINGS

THAT YOU LEARNIN A RELATIONSHIP,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE REALLYIN LOVE AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

I REMEMBER -- GUYS, TELL MEIF THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

LIKE, YOU BE IN THE BED, RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR GIRLAND YOU'RE SLEEPING.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,IT BE LIKE, "BOOM." "OW!"

AND SHE BE LIKE,"I JUST HAD A DREAM

WHERE YOU WERE SLEEPINGWITH ANOTHER WOMAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU BE LIKE...

..."SO?"

SHE BE LIKE, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD,ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING,

YOU BE LIKE, "OH, THAT PERSONHAS MILD SCHIZOPHRENIA," RIGHT?

BUT BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR GIRLAND YOU LOVE HER, YOU BE LIKE,

"OH, WELL, YOU KNOW ME."[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY.

AND NO DUDE IN THE WORLDCAN GET AWAY WITH THAT JUNK.

DUDES, IF YOUR FRIENDCAME UP TO YOU,

YOU'D LOOK AT HIMLIKE HE WAS CRAZY.

BOOM -- "HEY, MAN, I HAD A DREAMWHERE YOU WERE MEAN TO ME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOTAND YOU AIN'T SAY NOTHING!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"ALSO, YOU WERE HOLDING A BABY.

"AND THE BABYHAD A VERY OLD FACE.

"AND MY TEETH FELL OUT,AND MY FEET WERE HEAVY,

"AND MY FATHER WAS THERE.

"I DID NOT SEE HIM,BUT I KNEW HE WAS THERE!

WATCH YOUR ASS."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALSO, LIKE, WOMEN -- WHENI STARTED LISTENING TO THEM,

LIKE, REALLY LISTENINGONCE THE BREAKUP HAPPENED,

LISTENING TO OTHER WOMEN,

I REALIZED, LIKE, EVERY MAN --EVERY MAN IN THIS ROOM

HAS A CRAZY-WOMAN STORY,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, EVERY MAN IN HERE IS JUSTLIKE, "OH, REMEMBER CHRISTINE?

"CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY.

"CHRISTINE WASSO CRAZY, REMEMBER?

"I HAD MY NEW GIRL,AND CHRISTINE COMES IN LIKE,

"'WHERE THAT BITCH AT?!'

"I WAS LIKE,'CHRISTINE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

"I GOT MY NEW GIRL.GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINE.'

"CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY, RIGHT?CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY.

OH, MEMORIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, AND EVERY DUDE IN HEREHAS THAT STORY.

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY DON'T WOMENHAVE CRAZY-MEN STORIES?"

LIKE, WHY DON'T WOMENHAVE CRAZY-MEN STORIES?

I DON'T REALLY HEAR THEM.

AND THEN I REALIZED.I WAS LIKE, "OH!

"IT'S BECAUSE IF YOU GOTA CRAZY BOYFRIEND,

YOU GONNA DIE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

JUST SOMETHING ABOUT MEN --

THE SECOND THEY REALIZETHEY CRAZY,

IT'S LIKE, "TIME TO KILLEVERYTHING I LOVE!

TIME TO KILL IT ALL.IT'S ALL COMING WITH ME."

AND YOU CAN HEAR A CRAZY,LIKE, MAN STORY,

BUT THEY'RE NOT FUN LIKECRAZY-WOMEN STORIES AT ALL.

LIKE, "OH, REMEMBER CHARLIE?CHARLIE WAS SO CRAZY.

HE USED TO COME OVERAND SHOOT MY DOG."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND IT WAS DEAD THE FIRST TIME,BUT HE KEPT SHOOTING IT.

"AND THEN I MOVEDTO FLORIDA. AND...

"HE FOUND ME.

NOW I'M IN THIS WHEELCHAIR."

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

"OH, POOR MADE-UP LADY."

I HEARD SOME OF THEM.

I'M GONNA SAYSOME OUTLANDISH STUFF.

I HEARD SOME OF THOSE"OOHs" AND "AAHs."

THEY WERE LIKE,"OH, POOR MADE-UP LADY.

"POOR LADY THAT DONALD MADE UPCAN'T GET UP PRETEND STEPS,

'CAUSE SHE'SIN A PRETEND WHEELCHAIR."

THE BEST PART ABOUT OBAMAIS THAT HE'S A BLACK NERD.

I LOVE THAT JUNK.

'CAUSE I'M A BLACK NERD,

AND THAT [BLEEP] WAS ILLEGALUNTIL LIKE 2003.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S AWESOME.

IT'S SO AWESOME.

IT'S JUST LIKE THERE'SBLACK NERDS EVERYWHERE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AWESOME.

IT'S JUST LIKETHEY'RE EVERYWHERE NOW.

IT'S SO GREAT.AND I LOVE IT.

BUT IT WAS JUST HARD FOR USGROWING UP.

I REMEMBER I WAS LIKETHE ONLY BLACK KID

AT MY SCHOOL FOR A WHILE.

I REMEMBER I WENTTO A WHITE SCHOOL,

AND WHITE KIDS WERE EXCITED.

THEY WERE SUPER-EXCITED.

THEY WERE LIKE,"OH, WE GOT A BLACK KID!

THIS IS AWESOME!WE GOT A BLACK KID!"

THEY BE LIKE, "UH, HEY, DONALD,

"UH, WHAT KIND OF RAP MUSICYOU INTO?

AND WHAT KIND OF SNEAKERSYOU LIKE?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, I DON'TREALLY LIKE RAP MUSIC.

"I REALLY ENJOY THE SOULFULSTYLINGS OF THE CRANBERRIES.

"UM...

WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT."

AND THEY WERE LIKE, "NO, MAN.

"YOU LIKE SNEAKERS,AND YOU LIKE RAP MUSIC,

AND YOU GONNA TELL USWHICH ONE YOU LIKE."

I WAS LIKE, "AAH,YOU'RE HURTING ME, STEVEN!"

YOU KNOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S AWESOME.I LOVE IT.

BUT NOW I'M ALLOWEDTO BE A BLACK NERD.

NOW I CAN DO THAT.

'CAUSE, LIKE, I'M ALLOWEDTO BE A BLACK NERD.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE BE LIKE,

"WELL, THERE WEREBLACK NERDS BEFORE.

THERE WERE BLACK NERDS BEFORE.WHAT ABOUT URKEL?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

URKEL WAS RETARDED.LET'S BE HONEST.

NO, HE WAS.

IF THERE WAS A KIDNAMED STEVE URKEL

WHO WENT TO YOUR SCHOOL,DRESSED LIKE STEVE URKEL,

EATING CHEESE ALL THE TIME,

ALWAYS ASKING THIS GIRLNAMED LAURA TO MARRY HIM,

YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, STEVE?

"HIS BROTHER HIT HIM IN THE HEADWITH A BRICK WHEN HE WAS 5.

VERY SAD SITUATIONAT THE URKEL HOUSE."

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.

OKAY, HE'S NOT A NERD, OKAY?THAT'S NOT A NERD.

STRANGE, SPECIFIC STUFF --THAT'S WHAT MAKES A NERD A NERD.

IF YOU LIKE STRANGE, SPECIFICSTUFF, THAT'S A NERD, OKAY?

KANYE WEST IS A BLACK NERD.

HE LIKES STRANGE,SPECIFIC STUFF.

IF YOU GO UP TO KANYE WESTAND SAY,

"HEY, WHAT AREYOUR FAVORITE THINGS?"

HE'LL BE LIKE,"ROBOTS AND TEDDY BEARS."

THAT'S A NERD.

THAT'S A NERD.

LIKE I SAID, I WAS, LIKE,GROWING UP IN A FOSTER HOME.

IT WAS CRAZY, MAN.

I REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME,

LIKE, MY MOM BROUGHT HOMETHIS KID,

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "NOW,BE VERY CAREFUL WITH HIM.

HE WAS MOLESTED."

AND I HAD NEVER HEARDTHAT WORD BEFORE.

I WAS LIKE 8 YEARS OLD.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, GOD.

"UM...THAT MEANSA GROWN-UP MAN...

TOUCHED HIS [BLEEP] OR HIS BUTT,AND HE DIDN'T WANT IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I MISHEARD HER.

I THOUGHT SHE SAIDA GROWN-UP MAN

MADE HIM STICK HIS OWN [BLEEP]IN HIS OWN BUTT.

SO NOW I'M TERRIFIEDTO USE THE BATHROOM

IN ANY PUBLIC PLACE,

'CAUSE I THINK A DUDE WITH A GUN

IS GONNA COME AT MELIKE -- BOOM --

"STICK YOUR OWN [BLEEP]IN YOUR OWN BUTT!"

I BE LIKE, "I CAN'T!IT'S NOT LONG ENOUGH!

I'M JUST A LITTLE BOY!"

"SHUT UP!"

[ IMITATES GUNSHOT ]"AAH!"

AND I'D DIE, RIGHT?

I'D DIE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I THOUGHT [LAUGHS]

I THOUGHT THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.I WAS REALLY SCARED.

AND NOW I'M OBSESSEDWITH THIS KID'S [BLEEP]

LIKE, I'M OBSESSED.

EVERY TIME WE USE THE BATHROOM,I'M LOOKING AT HIM LIKE,

"IT DOESN'T LOOK LONG ENOUGHTO GO IN HIS OWN BUTT.

"I'M SORRY.IT DOESN'T LOOK LONG ENOUGH.

HOW DID HE DO IT?OH, HE'S SUCH A SURVIVOR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN HE WOULD, LIKE, LEAVE,

AND THEN I'D JUST, LIKE,TUG MY STUFF A LITTLE BIT.

I WOULD TUG ITSO IT WOULD BE LONG ENOUGH

TO GO IN MY OWN BUTT,IF IT EVER HAPPENED.

SO, LIKE, I WAS,LIKE, TERRIFIED,

AND THEN ONE DAY,I HAD AN EPIPHANY.

I'M LIKE, "I'M A GENIUS.I'M A FREAKING GENIUS.

"I DON'T HAVE TO GO THIS WAY.I CAN GO THIS WAY!

I'M A GENIUS!I'M A GENIUS!"

SO IF IT EVER HAPPENED,HE'D BE LIKE -- BOOM --

"STICK YOUR OWN [BLEEP]IN YOUR OWN BUTT!"

I'D BE LIKE -- POP --

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"WHAT NOW, STRANGE MAN?

IT SEEMS THATWE'RE AT AN IMPASSE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WASN'T ALLOWED.

I DIDN'T START SAYING ITUNTIL LIKE 11th GRADE, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHEN I DECIDEDTO SAY THE "N" WORD,

AND BY THEN, YOU MISSYOUR "N" WORD MOTOR SKILLS.

YOU CAN'T SAY IT RIGHT.

LIKE, I WOULD WALK DOWN THE HALL

AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?"

I'M LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP [BLEEP]"

AND THEY BE LIKE, "AAH, AAH.I KNOW YOU'RE BLACK, BUT, MNH."

OH, IT'S THAT HARD 'R', MAN.

YOU KNOW?

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T SAYTHE "N" WORD.

SOME BLACK PEOPLE CANNOT SAY IT.IT'S TRUE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE SEALSAYING THE "N" WORD?

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T HAVE SEALAT THE GRAMMYS TALKING ABOUT...

♪ [BLEEP] ARE EVERYWHERE

♪ [BLEEP] CUT UP MY FACE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO.

YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE, LIKE,OBAMA UP THERE JUST TALKING

AND JUST, LIKE,GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

AND JUST HAVE IT TURN INTODEF COMEDY JAM OR SOMETHING.

HE'S LIKE, [ As Barack Obama ]"AS WE STAND HERE TODAY..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...THERE ARE STILLSOME AMERICANS

WHO DON'T BELIEVE I HAVETHEIR BEST INTEREST AT HEART."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND I'D LIKE TO PUTTHOSE FEARS TO REST TODAY.

"BUT BEFORE I DO THAT...

I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUTHOW [BLEEP] BE TRIPPIN'."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"'CAUSE THEY DO."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"THEY BE TRIPPIN'.

"[BLEEP] BE TRIPPIN' --

"ESPECIALLY WHEN BITCHESBE AROUND.

"BECAUSE BITCHES BE WANTIN' TOGO TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

"AND THEY BE GETTIN'THEIR CHEESECAKE

"WITH BLUEBERRIES,STRAWBERRIES, AND CARAMELS.

AND I BE LIKE, 'BITCH,THAT IS EXPENSIVE.'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S ALL ABOUT IMAGINATIONAND STUFF LIKE THAT.

'CAUSE I'M A VERYIMAGINATIVE PERSON.

I GREW UP, LIKE,IN A FOSTER HOME.

MY PARENTS WERE FOSTER PARENTS,AND WE HAD A LOT OF FOSTER KIDS.

AND KIDS, LIKE, GO CRAZY.

IT'S ALL ABOUT IMAGINATIONAND STUFF LIKE THAT.

LIKE, THEY'RE VERY EMOTIONALBEINGS, YOU KNOW, KIDS.

YOU GUYS REMEMBERWHEN THE LIGHTS WOULD GO OUT

IN YOUR SCHOOL?

REMEMBER THAT?

LIKE IN THE THIRD GRADE, LIKE,WHEN THE LIGHTS WOULD GO OUT,

IT'D BE LIKE, "BOO,"AND KIDS BE LIKE, "AAH!"

[ SCREAMING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

KIDS JUST LOSE IT.

IT WASN'T EVEN DARK.IT WAS LIKE 2:00 P.M.

SUNLIGHT'S COMINGTHROUGH THE WINDOW.

KIDS ARE JUST LIKE...

[ SCREAMING ]

JUST LIKE LOSING THEIR MINDS!

AND THE SAME JUNK WOULD HAPPENWHEN THERE WAS A FIRE DRILL,

AND THE PRINCIPAL WOULD COME ONAND TELL YOU

THERE WAS GONNA BEA FIRE DRILL.

LIKE, "IN TWO MINUTES,THERE'S GONNA BE A FIRE DRILL."

IT'D BE LIKE, "UH-UH."

[ SCREAMING ]

[ IMITATING PUNCHES LANDING ]

CRAZINESS.

KIDS AREN'T THINKING.

MAN, WE HAD A TEACHER NAMEDMR. BROWN, RIGHT?

WE HAD A TEACHERNAMED MR. BROWN,

AND HE WAS WRITING SOMETHINGON THE BOARD ONCE.

HE WAS WRITING SOMETHINGON THE BOARD,

AND HE FARTED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHTKIDS HAD SEEN THE FACE OF GOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

KIDS WEREN'T EVEN LAUGHING.

THEY WERE JUST SITTING THERE.THEY'RE LIKE...

[ SCREAMING ]

THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, SCREAMING,JUST SCREAMING.

KIDS HAD TO GET CARTED OUT.

KIDS WERE SCREAMING AND CRYING.

LIKE, KIDSHAD TO GET CARTED OUT,

AND THEY WERE GOING TO,LIKE, THE NURSE'S OFFICE.

KIDS WERE CRYING IN THE HALLWAY.

IT WAS JUST LIKE,"OH, THIS IS OUR 9/11!"

AND IT WAS!

IT WAS THEIR 9/11,

'CAUSE THEY NEVER THOUGHTANYTHING LIKE THAT

COULD EVER HAPPEN.

KIDS WERE OUT IN THE HALLWAYSGIVING INTERVIEWS.

THEY WERE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD, I REMEMBER,

"BECAUSE I WAS TALKINGTO BERTRAM HARRIS,

"AND HE SAID IF MY HANDWAS BIGGER THAN MY FACE,

"THEN I HAD AIDS.

"SO I PUT MY HANDIN FRONT OF MY FACE.

"AND THEN HE SLAMMED IT.

"IT WAS A VERY FUNNY JOKE.

"BUT THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

"WE HEARD THIS SOUNDFROM THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.

"AND IT WAS MR. BROWN.

"AND THEN JOHNNY SEAWRIGHTSTOOD UP AND SAID,

'MR. BROWN BROWNED HIS PANTS!'"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"AND THAT WAS EVEN FUNNIER!

"MY HEART GOES OUTTO THE PARENTS OF THE CHILDREN

"WHO SMELLED THE FART.

"BECAUSE THAT'S EVEN FUNNIERTHAN HEARING IT.

IS THERE A GOD?"

YOU KNOW?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHEN OBAMA GOT ELECTED,I WAS SO EXCITED.

IT WAS AWESOME.

I REMEMBER I WOREAN OBAMA SHIRT, RIGHT?

I WORE AN OBAMA SHIRTTHE DAY HE GOT ELECTED.

I WAS EXPECTING HIGH-FIVE CITY,YOU KNOW?

NOBODY DID ANYTHING.

NOTHING.

I KIND OF REALIZEDIT'S KIND OF REDUNDANT

TO HAVE A BLACK DUDEWEARING AN OBAMA SHIRT.

EVERYBODY'S LIKE,"YEAH, WE KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU LIKE OBAMA.WE GET IT."

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,I DO THE SAME THING.

I REALIZED -- IT'S LIKE,"YEAH, IT'S KIND OF REDUNDANT."

I DON'T GO UP TO WHITE PEOPLEWEARING COLDPLAY SHIRTS LIKE,

"YOU LIKE COLDPLAY?

"HUH. FOR HOW LONG?

FOREVER?"

THE ONE THING I DIDN'T GETABOUT OBAMA

THAT KIND OF MADE ME MADWAS, LIKE,

WHEN HE WAS COMING UP,PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

"WE HAVE A SERIOUS BLACKCANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT."

THIS IS CRAZY.

"WE HAVE A SERIOUSBLACK CANDIDATE."

AND THEN WHEN HE WON,THEY WERE LIKE,

"OH, OUR FIRSTMULTIRACIAL PRESIDENT."

AND I WAS LIKE,"THAT'S NOT FAIR."

I MEAN, LIKE, LET'S SETTHE RECORD STRAIGHT, OKAY?

IF YOU WENT OUTSIDE TONIGHTAFTER THIS SHOW

AND BARACK OBAMAWAS STEALING YOUR CAR,

YOU WOULDN'T YELL, "HEY!SOMEONE STOP THAT MIXED GUY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WOULDN'T.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

OBAMA LOOKS BLACK,SO PEOPLE TREAT HIM BLACK.

IT'S LIKE, IT'S NEVER BEENABOUT WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON,

'CAUSE THAT'S UP TO YOU.

YOU GOT TO CHOOSE THAT STUFF.

IT'S ABOUT HOW PEOPLE TREAT YOU.THAT'S WHAT RACE IS ABOUT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, I GOT A LOTOF MIXED FRIENDS

WHO JUST DON'T KNOWHOW THEY FEEL ABOUT STUFF.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,"I'M CULTURALLY CONFUSED."

AND I'M JUST LIKE,"MAN, NO, LISTEN.

IT'S ABOUT HOW PEOPLETREAT YOU, OKAY?"

IF YOU'RE MIXED AND YOU'REWALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND SOMEBODY ASKS YOU,

"HEY, WHAT DID YOU THINKOF THE MOVIE 'JULIE & JULIA'?"

YOU'RE WHITE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOBODY'S EVER COME UP TO MEAND ASKED ME ABOUT MY OPINIONS

ON "MAD MEN"AND "REVOLUTIONARY ROAD."

NO ONE, OKAY?

NOW, IF YOU'RE WALKINGDOWN THE STREET AND YOU'RE MIXED

AND SOMEBODY'S LIKE,"HEY, WHAT DID YOU THINK

"OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE

OF 'THE REAL HOUSEWIVESOF ATLANTA'?"

YOU'RE BLACK.

OR GAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S ONE OF THE TWO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]I MISS THIS PLACE.

THIS IS AWESOME.

I GOT TO BE HONEST --THE FIRST --

I GOT BACK ON THURSDAY, RIGHT?

I GOT BACK ON THURSDAY,AND THE FIRST THING I DID --

I GOT ON THE SUBWAY, RIGHT?

AND I GOT ON THE SUBWAY,

AND THIS LITTLE PERSONCAME ON THE TRAIN.

ARE THERE ANY LITTLE PEOPLEIN THE AUDIENCE?

GOOD.I'M GONNA SAY "MIDGET."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, THIS MIDGET --YOU'LL SEE WHY --

THIS MIDGET CAME ON THE TRAIN,

AND HE PUSHED MY LEGAND HE HIT ME LIKE THAT.

AND I WAS LIKE --HE WAS A RUDE, RUDE MIDGET.

AND, LIKE, PUSHED ME,AND, LIKE, I LOOKED DOWN AT HIM.

I WAS LIKE -- YOU KNOW,I'M NOT CONFRONTATIONAL,

BUT I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE YOU."

AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?"

NOW, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING'CAUSE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

YOU NOT GONNA LOOK LIKE THE HEROFIGHTING A MIDGET.

PEOPLE AREN'T -- "OH, I'M GLADYOU KICKED THAT MIDGET'S ASS.

YOU TOOK THAT MIDGET DOWN A PEG.I'M GLAD YOU DID THAT."

NOBODY'S GONNA SAY THAT.

SO, LIKE, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,BUT THE WHOLE TIME IN MY HEAD,

THE WHOLE TIME,I'M THINKING LIKE,

"HOW DO I GET THIS MIDGETTO CALL ME A [BLEEP]

SO I CAN CALL HIM A MIDGET?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET CALLEDTHE "N" WORD AS A BLACK PERSON,

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

IT'S LIKE GETTING A GOLD STARON "SUPER MARIO BROS." AND JUNK.

I HEAR THE MUSIC.

WHEN I HEAR THE "N" WORD,I'M LIKE, "DO-DO-DO," YOU KNOW,

LIKE, I GET RIGHT INTO IT.

I GET REALLY INTO IT, YOU KNOW?

AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

LIKE, YOU CAN BEIN A FANCY RESTAURANT

AND JUST START THROWING POOPAT THE WALLS.

AND PEOPLE BE LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"SOMEBODY CALLED METHE 'N' WORD."

"OH, YES, OBAMA, OBAMA, YES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

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