July 29, 2014 - Jon Batiste and Stay Human

  • 07/29/2014

A week's worth of horrible news weighs on Stephen, Sarah Palin launches her own web channel, and Jon Batiste and Stay Human perform a song off their album "Social Music."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "THE

REPORT"!

THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US!

NATION --(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

NATION --(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> STEPHEN: NATION, THANK YOU

SO MUCH!

NATION, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORYOUR LOVE AND ADULATION TONIGHT.

I NEED IT MORE THAN EVER BECAUSEIF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE

NEWS, YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN A TOUGHWEEK FOR, LET'S SAY HUMANS.

(LAUGHTER)FROM BATTLES IN GAZA TO RUSSIA

SHELLING UKRAINE TO TALIBANADVANCES IN AFGHANISTAN, THEY'RE

NOT RELEASING ANY MORE NEW WEIRDAL VIDEOS.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, WE ARE FACING A SITUATION

I'VE ALWAYS FEARED -- THINGSMIGHT ACTUALLY BE AS BAD AS WE

MAKE THEM SOUND ON CABLE NEWS.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE WORLD ON FIRE.

FROM THE MIDDLE EAST TO UKRAINETO LIBYA.

>> THE WORLD IS ON FIRE.

RUSSIA ROCKETING UKRAINE.

ADD ISRAEL AND GAZA.

ILLEGALS FLOODING OUR BORDER.

>> THE WORLD IS A MESS RIGHTNOW.

>> IT ABSOLUTELY IS.

>> THE WORLD IS BURNING.

>> TO PUT IT MILDLY, THE WORLDIS A MESS.

>> STEPHEN: MADELINE ALBRIGHT,WHOSE FAMILY WAS FORCED INTO

EXILE BY THE GERMAN INVASION OFCZECHOSLOVAKIA IN 1938, SAYS THE

WORLD IS A MESS.

(LAUGHTER)AND FOR HER, NAZI EXILE IS A

FOND CHILDHOOD MEMORY.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, I DON'T ENJOY COVERING

THIS KIND OF HEART WRENCHINGNEWS, AND NEITHER DOES MY

NETWORK.

MOUNTING DEATH TOLLS DO NOT MOVEA LOT OF JACK LINK'S JERKY.

(LAUGHTER)THEY'RE JUST GOOD PEOPLE TRYING

TO SELL SOME QUALITY SASQUATCHMEAT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT IT'S MY DUTY AS A NEWSMAN TO

GRIT MY TEETH AND BRING YOU THEMAJOR STORIES, NO MATTER HOW

HARD IT MAY BE TO SAY IT.

VERY HARD TO SAY IT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

AND WITH THAT IN MIND, I BRINGYOU MY NEW SEGMENT: I NEED A

DRINK.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY.

(APPLAUSE)JIMMY, I'M NOW READY FOR THE BIG

STORY.

>> INTENSIVE ATTACKS IN THE PAST24 HOURS.

>> MORE EXPLOSIONS IN GAZA.

>> TWO DEADLY BLASTS MONDAY. THE FIRST KILLING TEN

PEOPLE, MOSTLY CHILDREN PLAYINGON THIS BUSY STREET.

>> DEATH SPREAD ALL AROUND.

>> >> STEPHEN: OKAY.

THIS BEER JUST GOT OUTGUNNED.

(APPLAUSE)(LAUGHTER)

>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT.

LET'S DO THIS.

ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS.

WHAT YOU'VE GOT HERE IS THEVIOLENT CONSEQUENCE OF DECADES

OF VICTIMIZATION AND UNPROVOKEDAGGRESSION.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHICH SIDE I'MTALKING ABOUT.

IT'S THE --(MUFFLED SPEECH INTO THE GLASS)

OKAY.

I'M ONE FOR ONE.

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT IN THE OLDNEWS HOPPER?

>> A TROUBLING ESCALATION INFIGHTING IN UKRAINE.

>> RUSSIA IS DIRECTLY, DIRECTLYATTACKING UKRAINE WITH DEADLY

FORCE.

>> FIERCE FIGHTING NEAR THEWRECKAGE OF MALAYSIA AIRLINES

FLIGHT 17.

>> STEPHEN: AH-HAAAA, THEY'REFIGHTING NEAR THE SITE OF LAST

WEEK'S PLANE CRASH WHICH I HADALMOST MANAGED TO FORGET ABOUT

OKAY!

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TELL YOU WHAT, NEXT WEEK, SYRIAMAYBE YOU COULD STOP BY WITH

YOUR NERVE GAS AND TURN THISHORROR DOUBLE-HEADER INTO AN

ATROCITY-DUCKEN!

COME ON, NEWS!

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?!

>> TALIBAN GUNMEN STOPPED THREEMINI BUSES FRIDAY AND SIMPLY

SHOT 14 PASSENGERS TO DEATH.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LET'S MOVE ON FROM THE

INTERNATIONAL STORIES.

HOW ABOUT SOME SCIENCE STORIES?

THEY CURE ANY BIG DISEASESLATELY?

>> THIS IS THE LARGEST EBOLAOUTBREAK WE'VE EVER SEEN IN

HISTORY.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(EMPTYING DRINK WITH STRAW)>> STEPHEN: EBOLA, HUH?

GOOD THING I STOCKED UP ON THEBROWN PURELL.

(LAUGHTER)SO TO RECAP, EVERYTHING IS THE

WORST, AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO BESAD FOREVER.

AT LEAST WE HAVE HOLLYWOOD TODISTRACT US.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD CHEER ME UP?

THE COMEDIC STYLINGS OF A BRASSYAND LOVEABLE DAME WHO HAS SEEN

THE WORST AND COME OUT ON THEOTHER SIDE WITH A SONG IN HER

HEART AND SMILE ON HER FACE.

>> FAMED HOLLYWOOD AND BROADWAYSTAR ELAINE STRITCH HAS DIED.

>> STEPHEN: (BLEEP) THAT.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GO TO THE HARD STUFF.

THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> STEPHEN: THIS ALCOHOL ISISO-PROPRIATE.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, THAT CONCLUDES "STEPHEN

COLBERT'S I NEED A DRINK," WHICHFOR THE RECORD DID NOT WORK.

EITHER THIS BOOZE IS BROKEN, ORTHE NEWS IS TOO SOBERING.

OKAY.

SHAKE IT OFF, COLBERT.

YOU'RE A PRO.

MOVE ON.

MOVE ON.

THAT'S ENOUGH DEATH ANDDESTRUCTION.

LET'S TURN TO SOMETHING THATEVIDENTLY WILL NEVER DIE AND

CANNOT BE DESTROYED.

SARAH PALIN.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A HUGE FAN OFSARAH PALIN.

SHE'S A STRONG LEADER WITH APROVEN HISTORY OF SELFLESSNESS.

IN THE MIDST OF HER 2008CAMPAIGN, SHE TOOK TIME TO HELP

OUT A STRUGGLING SENIOR WITHSEVERELY IMPAIRED JUDGMENT.

(LAUGHTER)AND THIS WEEK, IN HER CONTINUING

QUEST TO REMIND AMERICA OF HEREXISTENCE, PALIN ANNOUNCED A NEW

PROJECT.

>> HELLO AND WELCOME TO A NEWPROJECT.

THIS IS A NEWS CHANNEL THATREALLY IS A LOT MORE THAN NEWS.

ARE YOU TIRED OF THE MEDIAFILTERS?

WELL, I AM.

I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, SO WE'REGONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS EASY TOO.

YOU CAN WATCH OUR CHANNEL RIGHTHERE ON YOUR COMPUTER, TABLET OR

EVEN ON YOUR SMARTPHONE.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES THATTHE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WON'T TALK

ABOUT AND WE'LL LOOK AT THEIDEAS THAT -- MMM -- I THINK

WASHINGTON DOESN'T WANT YOU TOHEAR.

>> STEPHEN: YES, THE ALL SARAHPALIN CHANNEL!

IT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S ALWAYSDONE, ONLY -- MMM -- NOTHING

ELSE.

(LAUGHTER)'CUZ, FOLKS, IT'S 24-7

PALIN-TAINMENT STREAMED RIGHT TOYOUR PHONE, WITH THE HELP OF

"TAPP," WHICH IT TURNS OUT IS AMEDIA COMPANY AND NOT, AS I

FIRST ASSUMED, THE NAME OF ONEOF HER CHILDREN.

(LAUGHTER)AND LIKE THE WOMAN HERSELF, THE

SARAH PALIN CHANNEL IS ALL ABOUTSARAH PALIN.

>> WE'LL ALSO SHARE SOME OF THEFUN THAT GOES ON IN THE PALIN

HOUSEHOLD AND A LOT OF OURADVENTURES IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS

TRYING TO JUST GET US FROM POINTA TO POINT B AND, BELIEVE ME, IT

IS FUN BECAUSE IT'S REAL LIFE.

>> STEPHEN: YEAH, IT'S FUNBECAUSE IT'S REAL LIFE.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS TIV0THAT EXCITING STARING CONTEST ON

THE MIRROR CHANNEL.

(LAUGHTER)THAT SHOW IS AMAZING -- HOW IS

IT "ALWAYS" A TIE?!

HE'S GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS ALL PART OF SARAH'S

CONTINUING MISSION TO PROTECTOUR FREEDOMS AT ANY COST.

SPECIFICALLY, "$9.95 A MONTH."

(LAUGHTER)SURE, THAT'S MORE THAN NETFLIX.

BUT IT'S JUST AS GOOD AS HOUSEOF CARDS -- WITH EVEN MORE

THREATENING MONOLOGUES INTOCAMERA.

(LAUGHTER)THIS CHANNEL OFFERS YOU

SOMETHING MORE, BY OFFERING YOULESS.

AS THE SITE NOTES, WE FEEL THATTHE COMMUNITY WOULD FEEL MORE

SECURE KNOWING EVERYONEWATCHING, UPLOADING VIDEOS AND

PARTICIPATING IN THE DISCUSSIONSAND VIDEO CHATS WAS A

CONTRIBUTING MEMBER."

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S A SAFE SPACEWHERE LIKE-MINDED FOLKS CAN HEAR

THINGS THEY ALREADY AGREE WITHFROM SOMEONE WHOSE OPINION THEY

ALREADY KNOW.

A PLACE WHERE WE PALIN-HEADS CANGATHER AND ASK THE IMPORTANT

QUESTIONS.

AMONG THE MOST POPULAR,APPARENTLY, IS "WHAT IS YOUR

CANCELLATION POLICY?"(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE WE PALIN FANS WANT TO BEJUST LIKE HER AND QUIT HALFWAY

THROUGH OUR COMMITMENT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT IF $9.95 SOUNDS TOO RICH

RICH FOR YOUR BLOOD, SIGN UP FORMY NEW PREMIUM WEB

CHANNEL -- "STEPHEN COLBERT'SANGRY ECHO CHAMBER ."

FOR JUST $9.94, IT'S A COMMUNITYOF PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU, IF YOU

HAVE A VALID CREDIT CARD.

WE'LL DISCUSS THE WASHINGTONISSUES OF THE DAY -- AND THE

ISSUES OF THE NIGHT, LIKE WHEREDID THE SUN GO?

(LAUGHTER)PLUS, "STEPHEN COLBERT'S ANGRY

ECHO CHAMBER" GIVES YOU 24-7ACCESS TO EVERYTHING I DO.

LIKE FOOTAGE OF ME MAKING ANDEATING A B.L.T.

(LAUGHTER)IS THAT WHAT I SPENT YOUR TEN

BUCKS ON?

THE ANSWER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.

(LAUGHTER)AND YOU MIGHT EVEN SEE YOUR NAME

ON MY CHANNEL WHEN I DEPOSITYOUR CHECKS IN AN A.T.M.!

(LAUGHTER)AND SARAH PALIN'S CHANNEL ONLY

TAKES YOU FROM POINT A TO POINTB -- BUT YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ALL

THE WAY TO POINT C, POINT D,THEN BACK TO POINT B WHEN I

REALIZE I LEFT MY SUNGLASSESTHERE.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S REAL-LIFE FUN!

AND REMEMBER, SARAH PALIN'SCHANNEL IS

SARAPALINCHANNEL.COM, NOTTHESARAHPALINCHANNEL.COM.

WE BOUGHT THAT ONE TODAY.

(CHEERING)AND IT'S FREE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

♪♪>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY!

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ANEW ORLEANS JAZZ MUSICIAN.

I'LL ASK HIM HOW LIFE IN THESUPERDOME IS THESE DAYS.

PLEASE WELCOME JON BATISTE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU, MR. BATISTE FOR BEING

HERE!

>> UH-HUH!

>> STEPHEN: ARE YOU HERE?

>> I'M HERE.

>> STEPHEN: ARE YOU ALIVE ONTHE PLANET NOW?

>> I'M HANGING IN.

>> STEPHEN: YOUR WORK CROSSEDWITH A LOT OF BOUNDARIES, YOU'RE

FEATURED IN SPIKE LEE'S RED HOOKSUMMER AND THE H.B.O. SERIES

TREME WAS BASED IN PART ON YOURFAMILY.

>> YEAH.

>> STEPHEN: ARE YOU THE ONEWITH THE DRAGONS?

IS THAT YOUR FAMILY?

>> NO, WE JUST GOT A FIELD OFCOWS, YOU KNOW.

>> STEPHEN: A FIELD OF COWS,OKAY.

THIS IS THE NEW ORLEANS ONE.

THERE'S A FAIR AMOUNT OF NUDITYIN THE TREME.

IS THERE A FAIR AMOUNT OF NUDITYIN YOUR FAMILY?

>> WELL THERE'S A FAIR AMOUNT OFNUDITY IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW.

(CHEERING)>> STEPHEN: CONGRATULATIONS,

MY FRIEND!

LET'S TALK JAZZ A SECOND HERE.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE GOING TOJAZZ AT US IN A LITTLE WHILE.

>> YEAH.

>> STEPHEN: DO I NEED ACOLLEGE PROFESSOR TO EXPLAIN

JAZZ WITH A CLOVE CIGARETTE ANDA DIAGRAM?

DO I NEED SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN TOME WHY I DO ENJOY A MODAL SCALE?

>> YOU CAN GO THAT ROUTE, YOUCOULD DO ANYTHING YOU LIKE,

IT'S AMERICA. BUT I THINK THEBEST WAY IS TO

JUST SIT BACK AND FEEL IT, MAN.

IMPROVISATION IS FOREVER.

EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IMPROVISING.

YOU MIGHT LIKE READING SCRIPTS,BUT --

(AUDIENCE REACTS)(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE REACTS)(LAUGHTER)

>> AYE!

>> STEPHEN: HOW ARE YA?

HOW ARE YA?

>> DOING GOOD.

>> STEPHEN: GREAT TO HAVE YOUHERE, MAN.

GREAT TO HAVE YOU.

EXPLAIN HOW YOUR MUSIC WORKS.

YOU CALL IT SOCIAL MUSIC.

>> YEAH, IT'S SOCIAL BECAUSEIT'S MEANT TO BE SHARED.

IT'S MEANT TO BE DANCED TO, YOUCAN CRY TO IT, LAUGH TO IT.

THE THING ABOUT SOCIAL MUSIC ISTHE WORLD IS GLOBAL NOW,

EVERYTHING'S MORE CONNECTED WITHINTERNET AND ALL THIS STUFF,

SOCIAL MEDIA.

SO IF YOU TAKE MUSIC, I'M A JAZZMUSICIAN AND THAT'S WHAT I WROTE

THE MUSIC IN BUT I DRAW FROM ALLSTYLES.

>> STEPHEN: JAZZ IS ANAMERICAN ART FORM.

>> YEAH.

>> STEPHEN: YOU SAY IT'SGLOBAL.

DON'T GIVE AWAY OUR ART FORM TOTHE REST OF THE WORLD.

IT'S OUR ART FORM, BROTHER!

>> IT IS, BUT I GUESS IT'S OKAYTO BE CLOSED-MINDED.

>> STEPHEN: IT'SAMERICAN-MINDED, NOT

CLOSED-MINDED.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)IT'S NOT CLOSED MINDED!

WE CANNOT BE OPEN-MINDED ANYMORE THAN WE CAN BE

OPEN-BORDERED.

(LAUGHTER)WE HAVE ALL THIS JAZZ AND IF WE

LET THE ALIENS IN IT'S LIKE THEMUSIC HAS BEEN INVADED BY LITTLE

GUATEMALANS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

>> WE'RE NOT GIVING IT AWAY,WE'RE SHARING IT, STEPHEN.

>> STEPHEN: SO THIS ISN'T JUSTSOCIAL MUSIC, IT'S SOCIALISM.

>> NO, THE MUSIC IS REALLY ABOUTSHARING AN EXPERIENCE.

YOU SHARE THE EXPERIENCE AS AGENUINE HUMAN EXCHANGE.

>> STEPHEN: NOW WE'RE HAVING AHUMAN MOMENT NOW.

>> YEAH, AND WE SHARE IT.

>> STEPHEN: I UNDERSTAND, BUT>> BUT IT'S STILL MINE.

>> STEPHEN: BUT IS IT MINE,TOO?

>> IT CAN BE IF YOU WANT IT TOBE

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> STEPHEN: WELL, WHAT'S MINE

IS MINE.

♪♪AND WHAT'S YOURS IS YOURS.

♪♪AND TOGETHER WE'RE DOIN' THE

SHOW.

♪♪(CHEERING)

WILL YOU STICK AROUND AND DOTHAT AGAIN?

(APPLAUSE)>> YEAH, WE CAN DO IT AS MANY

TIMES AS YOU WOULD LIKE,.

>> STEPHEN: BECAUSE THERE'SMORE THAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, JONBATISTE. STICK AROUND AND SHARE

YOUR SOCIAL MUSIC WITH US ANDHELP US STAY HUMAN

>> I LOVE IT

>> STEPHEN: THE ALBUM "SOCIALMUSIC," WHICH IS

SOMEWHERE BACKTHERE. JON BATISTE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. STICKAROUND.

>> STEPHEN: WELL, JON, THAT'SIT FOR "THE REPORT."

KEEP IT HUMAN!

GOOD NIGHT!

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