CC Presents: Dwayne Kennedy

  • 06/05/2003

Dwayne Kennedy: ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S POPPING, PEOPLE?

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS MY THIRD TIME IN

NEW YORK CITY SINCE THE ATTACK.

AND IT'S STILL KIND OF FREAKING

ME OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS THE THING I HATE ABOUT

WHAT HAPPENED IN NEW YORK.

ONE, IT WAS A TRAGIC AND

SENSELESS LOSS OF HUMAN LIFE

OF COURSE.

AND TWO, IT KIND OF (BLEEP) UP

MY, "THE WHITE MAN IS THE DEVIL"

THEORY.

[LAUGHTER]

PRETTY MUCH SHOT THAT ALL

TO HELL REALLY.

I'M STILL TRYING TO HOLD OUT

HOPE THAT THE WHITE MAN IS

THE DEVIL.

I JUST DON'T HAVE THE CONVICTION

THAT I ONCE DID.

HEY, DWAYNE, YOU STILL THINK

THE WHITE MAN IS THE DEVIL?

WELL, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE GOING

TO THE MEETINGS ANYMORE, FELLAS.

I'VE GOT SOME RETHINKING TO DO.

WASN'T IT TERRIBLE, MAN?

AND THEN, PEOPLE WAS ATTACKING

ARABS AND MUSLIMS AFTER IT

HAPPENED, MAN.

AND THAT WASN'T RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, BECAUSE

IT WASN'T ALL ARABS AND MUSLIMS

THAT DID IT, RIGHT?

IT WAS JUST A FEW CATS WHO

HAPPENED TO BE ARAB AND MUSLIM

WHO MESSED UP FOR THE REST

OF THE ARABS AND MUSLIMS TO EVER

WALK OUTSIDE IN THE SUNLIGHT

EVER AGAIN IN LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE WHEN TIMOTHY McVEIGH

BOMBED THE FEDERAL BUILDING

NOBODY WAS THINKING ABOUT GOING

OUT THERE AND BEATING UP

WHITE FOLK, WERE THEY?

NOBODY BUT ME.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I COULDN'T DRUM UP

NO SUPPORT FOR THAT PLAN.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW HARD

IT IS TO GET WHITE FOLK TO HELP

YOU GO GET WHITE FOLK.

YOU EVER SEE THAT--

I WOULD START READING AFTER

THE ATTACKS, MAN.

ANYBODY BECOME LIKE MORE

SPIRITUAL OR ANYTHING?

MORE INTROSPECTIVE, YOU KNOW?

I STARTED READING LIKE THE BIBLE

AND THE TORAH AND THE KORAN.

BACK ISSUES OF THE GREEN

LANTERN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I WAS LIKE AN ATHEIST WITH A

"B" PLAN.

[LAUGHTER]

ONE THING I LEARNED ABOUT

THE BIBLE--

YOU EVER READ THE BIBLE ANYBODY?

PEOPLE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A HARD READ.

I STARTED IT, MAN, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I KNEW BAD THINGS

HAPPENED IN IT.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS LIKE LATER

IN THE BOOK.

YOU EVER REALLY READ THE BIBLE?

(BLEEP) STARTS GOING DOWN HILL

ABOUT PAGE THREE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY TALK ABOUT WINE IN

THE BIBLE A LOT.

TWO THINGS THEY TALK ABOUT

IN THE BIBLE A LOT ARE WINE AND

(BLEEP) THAT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THE WINE CAME FIRST.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN THUS, HENCE, ERGO

FOLLOWED ALL THE (BLEEP) THAT,

YOU KNOW, IS KIND OF HARD

TO BELIEVE.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

SOMETIMES, MAN?

YOU BE SITTING AROUND, YOU BE

DRINKING WINE WITH A GROUP OF

YOUR FRIENDS OR SOME APOSTLES...

[LAUGHTER]

AND A STORY WILL JUST START

GETTING AWAY FROM YOU.

"YEAH, I REMEMBER YESTERDAY,

MAN, 'CAUSE THAT WAS REALLY--

I HAD SAW LIKE A DOG LOOKED

LIKE A...

BEAST.

HE HAD ONE--

SEVEN HEADS.

AND THE BUSH WAS ON FIRE

AND TALKING TO ME.

I'M DRUNK.

BUT YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.

I HEAR YOU WRITIN' A BOOK."

THIS IS THE MISTAKE I THINK THAT

OSAMA MADE.

AND I DON'T THINK HE CALCULATED

THE DAMAGE HE WAS GONNA DO

NOT ONLY TO STRANGERS BUT

PROBABLY TO PEOPLE IN HIS OWN

FAMILY, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE HE'S LIKE WHAT ONE OF

WHAT, 55, 58 BROTHERS

AND SISTERS, YOU KNOW?

SO, YOU GOTTA IMAGINE, RIGHT NOW

IT'S PROBABLY NOT A REAL GOOD

TIME TO BE A BIN LADEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THE

DAMAGE HE WAS GONNA DO TO LIKE

ERNESTO AND WILFREDO AND PEACHES

BIN LADEN, YOU KNOW?

THAT WOULD BE LIKE HAVING TO BE

MIKE HITLER DURING THE HEIGHT

OF NAZI GERMANY, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

YOU MIKE HITLER, YOU WORK AT A

BAKERY.

YOU JUST TRYING TO MAKE ENDS

MEET.

MEANWHILE YOUR BROTHER'S

OUT THERE JUST ACTING A ASS.

RIGHT, PEOPLE COME IN THE BAKERY

AND READ YOUR NAMETAG AND GO OFF

ON YOU, YOU KNOW?

"HITLER?

YOU THE BASTARD THAT KILLED

6 MILLION JEWS AND RAVAGED

EUROPE AND TRIED TO ACHIEVE

WORLD DOMINATION BY--."

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, THAT'S MY

BROTHER, DUDE.

I JUST MAKE STRUDEL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Dwayne Kennedy: I WAS GONNA JOIN

A RELIGION, MAN.

I WAS LOOKING TO BE SOMETHING,

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING ORGANIZED.

WENT TO THE NATION OF ISLAM,

YOU KNOW.

"HEY, WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO

JOIN UP WITH YOU CATS?"

AND THEY SAID, "NO PORK AND

NO WHITE WOMEN."

"YOU BROTHERS TAKE CARE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA GO ON DOWN THE STREET

AND SEE WHAT THE BAPTISTS

IS TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IT'S EASIER

TO QUIT PORK THAN IT IS TO QUIT

WHITE WOMEN, I'M GONNA TELL YOU

THAT RIGHT NOW.

'CAUSE PORK DON'T CALL YOU AT

ONE IN THE MORNING DRUNK AND

HORNY WANTING YOU TO COME OVER

BECAUSE IF PORK DID, IT WOULD BE

HARD TO QUIT THAT, TOO.

"HELLO, DWAYNE, I WANT YOU

TO COME OVER AND GRAB ME

AND LICK ME AND BITE ME."

"IS THIS HALF A SLAB OF RIBS?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DID YOU GET MY NEW NUMBER?"

SO, WHAT YOU GOTTA DO, MAN?

YOU GOTTA--

THEY SAY YOU GOTTA JUST CHERISH

THE DAYS 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW,

RIGHT?

TOMORROW IS NOT PROMISED

TO ANYBODY, YOU KNOW.

SO YOU GOTTA LIVE EVER DAY AS IF

IT'S YOUR LAST.

I DON'T RECOMMEND THAT.

I TRIED THAT ONE TIME.

IT WAS A WEDNESDAY.

I WOKE UP, QUIT MY JOB, SLAPPED

A COP AND HIT ON MY GIRLFRIEND'S

MOTHER.

THEN THURSDAY ROLLED AROUND

MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN.

FOUND OUT THEY AIN'T GOT

NO BUMPER STICKERS TELLING YOU

WHAT TO DO THE DAY AFTER

YOU LIVE THE PREVIOUS DAY LIKE

IT WAS THE LAST DAY OF THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOLIDAY'S COMING.

NOT FOR ME.

CAN'T AFFORD IT.

CHRISTMAS...

I TRIED TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

LAST YEAR AND I DIDN'T HAVE

NO MONEY.

I JUST WENT WINDOW SHOPPING...

WITH A BRICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN GET A LOT OF (BLEEP)

WITH A BRICK.

A BRICK IS BETTER THAN CREDIT

CARDS.

I WOULD DO COMMERCIALS

FOR A BRICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"DO YOU KNOW ME?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

THAT'S WHY I CARRY THIS...

A BIG ASS BRICK.

A BRICK IS RESPECTED ALL OVER

THE WORLD.

IN ROME...[WINDOW BREAKS])

IN LONDON...[WINDOW BREAKS]

IN LOS ANGELES.

[WINDOW BREAKS]

EXCEPT THE WOMAN I WAS WITH

GOT GREEDY, YOU KNOW?

"I WANT THAT.

GIVE ME SOME OF THEM AND I WANT

THOSE."

"DAMN, BABY, WHAT YOU THINK

I'M MADE OF, BRICKS?

[APPLAUSE]

I USED TO HAVE MONEY, YOU KNOW?

I BELIEVE IN CAPITALISM,

YOU KNOW?

JUST AIN'T GOT NO CAPITAL.

WITHOUT NO CAPITAL YOU AIN'T

GOT NO ISM, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY SOMETIMES I DRIVE.

I WORK FOR MY SISTER AND

BROTHER IN LAW.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY OWN APARTMENT BUILDINGS

AND I WORK FOR THEM.

ME AND FIVE MEXICAN DUDES,

WE WORK TOGETHER.

WELL, NOT REALLY TOGETHER.

I DROP THEM OFF.

THAT'S MY JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M GOOD, TOO.

I CAN DROP YOU RIGHT OFF.

SOME DUDES DROP YOU OFF DOWN

THE STREET...[TIRES SCREECHING]

"HERE WE ARE.

YEAH, I'M NOT (BLEEP) AROUND."

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THOSE CATS, MAN.

THEY'RE GOOD, MAN.

MEXICAN CATS?

FRIENDLY, MAN.

NICE, FAMILY ORIENTED, MAN.

HARD WORKING-- DON'T THEY?

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH, MAN, MEXICANS WORK HARD.

THEY WORK HARDER THAN EVERYBODY.

MEXICANS GOT THE STRONGEST

WORK ETHIC ON EARTH.

IF MEXICANS HAD BEEN SLAVES,

SLAVERY WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER

REAL QUICK 'CAUSE THEY'D HAVE

DONE 300 YEARS WORTH A WORK

IN ABOUT NINE HOURS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND STILL HAD TIME FOR

A SOCCER GAME.

OH, LORD.

IS IT HOT OR IS IT JUST ME?

IS IT BLACK OR IS IT JUST

THE FEW OF US?

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW.

I BELIEVE IN GOD AND RELIGION--

I'M SAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,

MAN, WITH THE WHOLE NEW YORK

THING, MAN.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHITE FOLKS

WERE OUTRAGED.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN THAT KIND OF

VIOLENCE IN THE NAME OF RELIGION

IN THIS COUNTRY SINCE WE GOT

HERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER THE INDIANS?

REMEMBER THAT?

REMEMBER THE INDIANS?

REMEMBER THAT PART?

THEY GOT WIPED OUT.

YOU DON'T SEE NO INDIANS,

NO MORE, MAN.

INDIANS USED TO BE VAST, MAN.

USED TO RUN OVER THE ENTIRE

COUNTRY, MAN, MILLIONS OF

INDIANS.

NOW THE WHOLE CHEROKEE NATION

IS LIVING IN A TWO-FLAT ON 63rd.

"HEY, MAN, YOU WANT TO MEET

THE CHEROKEE NATION?"

"SURE."

"HOLD ON."

[BUZZER SOUNDING]

"CAN I SPEAK TO PHIL?"

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S 'CAUSE INDIANS FOUGHT

TO THE DEATH, BROTHER.

THEY FOUGHT THE WHITE MAN

TO THE DEATH.

BLACK PEOPLE FOUGHT THE

WHITE MAN, TOO, TO A POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

TO THE POINT WHERE THEY THOUGHT

IT MIGHT BE DEATH AND THEY SAID,

"HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE WE BETTER JUST PICK THIS

COTTON AND REGROUP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THAT SURVIVAL INSTINCT

KICKED IN.

BROTHER SAID, "HEY, I GOT TO BE

AROUND TO TELL THE STORY."

Dwayne Kennedy: THAT'S ALL, MAN.

IT'S JUST DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT

TERRORISTS.

TERRORISM IS RELATIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING 'CAUSE

I HATE WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE

TALKING ABOUT THOSE TERRORISTS

LIKE IT'S JUST SOMETHING

FOREIGN, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE, HEY,

ANYBODY CAN BE A TERRORIST,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT SAME COP THAT WAS

SOMEBODY'S HERO EARLY THAT

MORNING COULD HAVE BEEN

SOMEBODY'S TERRORIST.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, "OFFICER,

WHAT WERE YOU DOING THE DAY

OF THE TRAGEDY?"

"WELL, I NEVER FORGET THAT.

IT WAS 5:30 IN THE MORNING, I

WAS WHOOPING THIS PUERTO RICAN'S

ASS WITH A FLASHLIGHT THEN I GET

A CALL OVER AT DISPATCH THAT

OUR FREEDOMS HAD BEEN ATTACKED.

WHAT'S THIS WORLD COMING TO?"

THAT'S WHY WE GONNA ALL HAVE

TO LEARN HOW TO DO SOMETHING,

LIVE TOGETHER, SOMETHING 'CAUSE,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THE WHOLE

RACIAL DEMOGRAPHIC IS CHANGING.

THEY SAID IN LIKE 50 YEARS

THERE'S GONNA BE MORE LATINOS

AND ASIANS THAN WHITE FOLKS

IN AMERICA.

SO, THAT MEANS EITHER ONE OF

TWO THINGS.

WE'RE GONNA EITHER HAVE TO LEARN

HOW TO LIVE TOGETHER OR THE KLAN

IS GONNA HAVE TO RELAX IT'S

ADMISSION STANDARDS.

"WITH THIS FLAME WE LIGHT

THE CROSS THAT WILL SHINE

AS A BEACON AND A TESTAMENT

TO THE EVER LASTING PRESERVATION

OF THE WHITE RACE.

PEDRO, LING TAO, WOULD YOU DO

THE HONORS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OKAY, I LIGHT."

AND HERE'S HOW WE GET RID OF ALL

THE RACIAL STUFF.

YOU KNOW HOW WE DO THIS?

TALK TO EACH OTHER.

THANK YOU.

RIGHT, THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

WE TALK TO EACH OTHER AND WE ASK

EACH OTHER QUESTIONS.

THEY MIGHT BE AWKWARD QUESTIONS

BUT THAT'S HOW YOU GET THE BALL

ROLLING.

LIKE YOU COULD SAY LIKE--

"HEY, WHITE MAN,

HOW COME YOU SO TENSE AND

AFRAID?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HE COULD SAY,

"HEY, BLACK MAN, HOW DID YOU GET

INTO MY APARTMENT?"

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, THEN THE HEALING BEGINS.

I JUST WANT TO HEAL.

THAT'S WHY I WENT INTO COMEDY,

MAN, TO--

I THOUGHT I'D GO INTO COMEDY

AND JUST ELIMINATE PREJUDICE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT.

THAT'S NEVER GONNA--

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE THAT AIN'T BEEN

HAPPENING, YOU KNOW?

SINCE BLACK FOLKS BEEN

ENTERTAINING WHITE FOLKS SINCE

WE GOT HERE AND--

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW SLAVES USED TO

ENTERTAIN THE SLAVE MASTER

AND HE WOULD LAUGH.

BUT AFTER THE SHOW HE WOULDN'T

BE ANY LESS RACIST.

HE'D BE LIKE, "RASTAS, YOU WERE

FUNNY!

I MEAN, YOU WEREN'T "GIVE YOU

YOUR FREEDOM FUNNY"...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I ENJOYED IT."

COULD YOU IMAGINE THAT, MAN?

SLAVES USED TO HAVE TO ENTERTAIN

ON TOP OF BEING A SLAVE.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

HOW MUCH WORK YOU GOT TO DO?

THAT'S THE WORST--

THAT'S THE CRUELEST IDEA--

COULD YOU IMAGINE GETTING--

[WHIPPING SOUNDS]

YOU KNOW I GOT A SHOW AT 8:30?"

[WHIPPING SOUND]

"OH, YEAH, I FORGOT.

CUT HIM DOWN.

"HEY, HEY, YOU GONNA DO THAT

ONE JOKE ABOUT MY UNREMITTING

CRUELTY?"

"ALL MY JOKES IS ABOUT YOUR

UNREMITTING CRUELTY."

"YOU HEAR THAT?

ALL HIS JOKES ABOUT--

HOW DO YOU THINK OF THAT

(BLEEP)?

YOU GOT A GIFT."

Dwayne Kennedy: SO, DON'T BE

AFRAID, PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHAT DICK CHENEY SAID

RIGHT AFTER THE ATTACKS.

HE SAID THAT FROM SECLUSION.

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE FUNNY PART.

LEADERS TELL YOU DO TO (BLEEP)

THEY DON'T EVEN DO.

"DON'T BE AFRAID.

THIS IS DICK CHENEY TELLING YOU

NOT TO BE AFRAID.

WE WILL NOT BOW DOWN OR

CAPITULATE OR BEND TO COWARDS

OR THEIR COWARDLY ACTS.

WE WILL LIVE OUR AMERICAN LIVES

IN AN OPEN AND AMERICAN WAY."

THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD MESSAGE,

MR. VICE PRESIDENT.

WHERE YOU CALLING FROM?

"THAT AIN'T NONE OF YOUR

(BLEEP)DAMN BUSINESS."

OSAMA, THE SAME WAY, YOU KNOW.

HE'S FULL OF (BLEEP).

YOU KNOW?

OVER THERE, TELLING THESE PEOPLE

THAT-- "WITH ALLAH ON OUR SIDE

WE WILL BE LEAD TO EVER LASTING

VICTORY AND PARADISE.

BUT JUST IN CASE I'VE

MISINTERPRETED SOME SCRIPTURES

I'M GONNA BE HIDING IN VARIOUS

CAVES OUTSIDE KANDAHAR.

YOU KNOW, TILL THIS THING

BLOWS OVER, YOU KNOW?"

[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, THIS CAT MIGHT OF HAD

A HAND IN KNOCKING DOWN

TWO BUILDINGS BUT HE'S LIVING

IN A CAVE.

AND I DON'T CARE HOW YOU TRY

TO SPIN THAT.

WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN A CAVE,

THINGS AREN'T WORKING OUT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE TELLING

YOUR DATES WHEN YOU BRING 'EM

HOME.

"YEAH, BABY, JUST THROW YOUR

COAT ON ANY ONE OF THEM ROCKS--

HUH?

YEAH, I KNOW I'M LIVING IN A

CAVE-- THIS--

WELL, THIS AIN'T REALLY MY CAVE.

THIS IS MY MOTHER'S CAVE REALLY.

MY CAVE IS BEING REMODELED."

TECHNOLOGY, MAN, IS SCARY 'CAUSE

NOW IF WE HAVE A WAR, MAN,

WE GOT ALL THIS--

THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT

INTRIGUES ME ABOUT THE

UNITED STATES.

ALL THE STUFF THEY DEVELOP

TO WIPE YOU OUT 'CAUSE WE GOT

STUFF.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE--

'CAUSE YOU REMEMBER WHAT--

WELL, YOU PROBABLY DON'T

REMEMBER THIS BUT LIKE THE

REVOLUTIONARY WAR, YOU KNOW,

THE UNITED STATES USED TO

KNOW HOW TO PUT ON A WAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU ALWAYS USED TO GET A

LITTLE MUSIC WITH YOUR WAR.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAD A DUDE ON

DRUMS, A DUDE ON FIFE, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN A LITTLE BACKGROUND

MUSIC WHILE YOU GETTING SHOT,

YOU KNOW?

EVEN THE CIVIL WAR THEY HAD

A DUDE ON BUGLE.

"I'D LIKE TO WELCOME EVERYBODY

TO THE WAR.

THIS NEXT TUNE I WROTE IN PARIS.

I CALL THIS ONE 'CHARGE'."

BUT NOW, EVERYTHING IS

HIGH TECH.

SMART WEAPONS, YOU KNOW,

AS OPPOSED TO I GUESS DUMB

WEAPONS WHICH THEY HAD IN THE

40s WHICH WAS WEAPONS THEY JUST

SEND UP HOPE THEY HIT SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, NOW, MAN, SINCE THE

PERSIAN GULF WAR THEY GOT THAT

SMART WEAPON, TOMAHAWK MISSILE,

FLY THIS HIGH OFF THE GROUND,

THROUGH THE STREETS, DODGING

BUILDINGS, LOOKING FOR YOUR

HOUSE.

[BOMB SOUNDS]

"ANY OF YOU KIDS SEEN DWAYNE?"

"HE LIVES RIGHT DOWN THE STREET,

MR. MISSILE."

"ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

STAY IN SCHOOL."

ALL RIGHT, YOU ALL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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