Y'all Ready for This?

  • Season 5, Ep 1
  • 07/08/2015

Two football players go overboard with their pump-up speech, President Obama meets Hillary Clinton's anger translator, and a gang of pirates sings a surprising chantey.

[all chanting]

Hey, hey, hey, y'all,wait up, hold on.

Hold on.Listen up. Listen up.

- Yeah.- Come on, man.

Y'all ready for this?


That's right, y'all.

'Cause you know what?We only get one chance.

[all cheering]

Let's leave it allon the field today.

[all cheering]

No doubt.We gon' give 'em something

they can remember.


Yeah, let's do this.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We unstoppable!

Ah.(all) Yeah!

But this is whatwe worked for, y'all.

[all cheering]

It's time to handleour business.

Oh, we're number oneup in here.

[all shouting]

We the best of the best,of the best, of the best.


Don't never let nobodytell you different.

Failure is not an option.


We gon' show 'em thatwe're the best that ever was.

[all shouting]


This is our time.

This is our moment.


We can't let nobody take thisaway from us.

[all shouting]

We a team, y'all.

We got to do this together.


Okay. I ain't never hadno family like this, y'all.


Y'all's my family.


Y'all my brothers forever.

You know I gotyour back, y'all!

And I know y'all got mine.



We taking this all the wayto the Super Bowl, y'all.

This is our year.

That's right.

This is our destiny.

[tense music]


[all coughing]

[suspenseful music]

Let's keep doing likewe been doing all season.

If we dowhat we was trained to do...

can't nobody stop us.

[ominous music]

(on phone)We can do anythingwe set our minds to.

[sword hits floor]


[timer beeping]

[classical music]

[loud explosion]

Play this game like it'sthe last game of your lives.

[speaking indistinctly]

[militaristic music]

- Hillary.- Mr. President.

It's always good to see you.

I pretended to like youfor seven years.

You remember my angertranslator, Luther.

Good to see you,too, Mr. President.

My hatred for youis a pure force of nature

that is gonna move meonward to my destiny.

And this is my anger translator,Savannah.

I trust you've been busy.

Bet your arms are tiredfrom stabbing me in the back

on the campaign trail.

Saying you don't likemy foreign policy?

What the fuck, woman?

You wrote the damn policy!


Well, you know how it isto campaign for president.

You know howthis shit works.

You do whatever you got to doto get your ass elected.

And right now, you are the deadskunk I got to step over.

Should be smooth sailingto the nominations.

Even you couldn't fuck it upagainst these assholes.

Well, it's too early to say,of course.

I got this job locked down.

Unless something terriblehappens,

like you campaigning for me.

Oh, that's b--Mm.

Oh, I got a feelingthat come 2016,

you and Bill will be backin the White House.

Yeah, and you're gonnabe busy as fuck

doing all the work 'cause I knowyou're gonna fire them interns.

What?[imitates explosion]

Well, I appreciate having youas an ally, of course.

Eight years agoI had a lock on this job,

until you showed upout of nowhere.

- Mm.- And you stole it from me

when you knew damn wellit was my turn.

You think I ate all that shit,standing there smiling

next to my pussy-hound husband,

so I could turn aroundand become Secretary of State?

Guess again, motherfucker.

You got my joband I'm gonna get it back.

And it's not gonna be easybecause you screwed the pooch

six ways to Sunday.

Folks just a soon votefor a skinned possum

as a Democrat.

But that's okay.

'Cause I'm gon' do it.

I'm gonna winthis fucking election.

And I am gonna bury youand every goddamn man

who ever stood in my way.

- Savannah, take it down a bit.- And 2016 is gonna--

What is wrong with you, girl?

You are embarrassingthe future president

of the United States of America.

Have a little class.

It's always good to speakwith you, Hillary.

You a nasty-ass bitch.

Nice to talk to you, Barack.

Fuck you, dream-stealer.

Damn, some people'sjust too angry.

[low music in headphones]


Hey, yo.

Hey, yo.

Yo, yo.

Excuse--Excuse me?

Oh man, oh man, oh man.

I'll tell you one thing,

if 9/11st were to happen upon this here plane,

psht, don't worry.

We got this.


Okay, I have no ideawhat you're talking about.

He said that if them terriesis gonna try something

up in here today, likethe bounce, boogie, and bump,

that we got this shit on lock.

Terr--Do you mean terrorists?

- Oh yeah.- Hells yeah, baby.

He ain't talkingabout Teri Garr.

And I certainly ain't talkingabout no terry cloth.

I mean, if a terry upon this plane,

even thinking about tryingto do something,

we gon' draxx him up.

You're gonna--You're gonna what?

We're gonnadraxx him sklounst.

I think what my partner'strying to say

is if any terriescome up in here,

- we gon' get our Berger on.- Yeah.

Did something happen,or did I miss something?

Is this hypothetical, or...

Oh, we're gon' definitelydrop some hypotheticals

on that terry's clavicle,'cause I'm talking 'bout...

[imitates neck breaking]

[both imitating blood spurting]

Don't you just wish though?

Don't you just wishin your heart of hearts...

Yeah. Yeah.

Some terry would come upin here, trying some grab-ass,

and the touchy-feely?

That's the opposite of what Iwant to have happen on a plane.

Okay. That's unfortunate.


This was unexpected.

It certainly was.

I'm thrown right now asto who's gonna be our comrade.

I can still hear you.

He doesn't have the heart,nor the gumption.

You're literally right nextto me, so...

On three, break.



I got an idea,feel free to say no,

but can we switch seats?

I will not take nofor an answer.


That's the combat seat,Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

If you gon' bein the combat seat

then you gots to be willingto blast up on some terries.

Because with great power

come great responsitrillitrust.

Okay. I just--I just wanted some leg room.


Okay, Max Legroom.

You get yours.

Meanwhile, I'm gon' goHayden Pantinerry

on some terries.

Especially when they get froggy.

Ribbit, ribbit.

- Yeah.- Um...

You gon' have to be readyto kidnap a terry.

- I don't--- You gon' have to be ready

to torture a terry.

I don't thinkthat's necessary.

Absolutely, you have tofireboard those motherjammers.

I don't even understandwhat that means.

Do you trust me?


I'll take that as a yes.



These terries come up in heretrying to act froggy...


Then we gon' give themthe Rainbow Connection.

Here, froggy, froggy,froggy, froggy.

Is that a box cutter?

Oh, you best believe it, baby.

We gon' be eatin'like Diane Keaton.

2.36 inches, baby.


Perfectly leg-well.

And if those don't work,

you know I'm working upthat Plan B, brother.

[suspenseful music]

You have a gun?

Oh, yeah.3-D printer, baby.

100% polyurethane.

They can't detectthese mamajamas.

They have a--They have a weap--

They have--They--

They have a weapon!They have a weapon!

- Oh, God!- These guys got a weapon.

- Who got a weapon?- Where you at terry?

Everybody relax.We takin' control of this plane.

No, wait a minute,I'm not with them.

[all shouting]

The guy on the rightis the ringleader.


I don't know them.I don't know them.

I don't know those guys.

I'm on vacation.

[whimsical music]




[sea shanty music]

♪ I once met a lass so fine

♪ She was drunk on barley wine

♪ I'd been to seafor months a'three ♪

♪ I knew I could make her mine

♪ And the lasswas past consent ♪

♪ So it was offwith her we went ♪

♪ And we threw her in bedand rested her head ♪

♪ And we left 'causethat's what gentlemen do ♪

(all)♪ A woman has a rightto a drink or two ♪

♪ Without worryingabout what you will do ♪

♪ We say "Yo Ho!"but we don't say "ho" ♪

♪ 'Cause "ho"is disrespectful, yo ♪

♪ There once was a girlfrom Leeds ♪

♪ Who I heard was goodon her knees ♪

♪ So I docked my shipfor an overnight trip ♪

♪ To take care of all my needs

♪ She was fineas the tales did tell ♪

♪ And my mast began to swell

♪ So I laid her downand raised her gown ♪

♪ And performed cunnilingusfor an hour or so ♪

(all)♪ Always take careof your lady fair ♪

♪ 'Cause they deserve as muchattention down there ♪

♪ We say "Yo Ho!"but we don't say "ho" ♪

♪ 'Cause "ho"is disrespectful, yo ♪

♪ I once had a woman so fair

♪ Whose womb contained my heir

♪ With a son by my side,the seas we'd ride ♪

♪ The child she would bear

♪ But my girl,she was no fool ♪

♪ She was working her waythrough school ♪

♪ So I did supportwhen she chose to abort ♪

♪ 'Cause it's her bodyand, therefore, her choice ♪

(all)♪ No, we don't say "booty"

♪ Unless we're talking'bout gold ♪

♪ We don't look at chestsunless there treasure holds ♪

♪ With a hat,and a feather ♪

♪ And a cutlass on our hip

♪ We don't ever say "she"

♪ When we're talkin'about our ship ♪

♪ We don't say "bitch"and we don't say "whore" ♪

♪ 'Cause that language leadsto things like body dysmorphia ♪

♪ There was a ladywith a golden eye ♪

♪ And the doctorsaid she would die ♪

♪ So she emptied her purseto lift the curse ♪

♪ And prayed to stay alive

♪ She awoke the very next day

♪ And in her grave she lay

♪ But the scariest partof the story from the start ♪

♪ Is I bet you assumedthe doctor was a man ♪

[all gasping]

(all)♪ Women are doctors, too

♪ And for a fractionof doubloons ♪

♪ We say "Yo Ho!"but we don't say "ho" ♪

♪ 'Cause "ho"is disrespectful, yo ♪

♪ There was a slutwith tits to here ♪

♪ And an ass like-- [gunshot]

[dramatic music]

♪ 'Cause it's "Yo Ho!"but we don't say "ho" ♪

(all)♪ 'Cause "ho" is

♪ Disrespectful, yo

[all cheering]

[suspenseful music]

This is 288, I'm investigatingthe report of a disturbance.

(over radio)Roger that, 288.


Because I got a popsicle,you think--


[heroic music]

[suspenseful music]

Oh, rats.


Watch out!That black guy's got a gun

and he's gonna stealyour banana!



[heroic music]

Go. Go.Go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go go, go, go, go.

Come on.


You're gonna haveto leave the area.

There's been a disturbance.

Go.For your safety, sir.

Go now.Please.

Okay. Go, go, go.Get going.


Big fuzzy gun!


[dramatic music]

I mean, it was like,it was like, you know, a holiday

for people having guns.

God damn it!

Mayor's on a warpath.

Who's responsible for this mess?

I'm sorry, Chief.It was me.



God damn it!

Coffee cup.

My bad.

Anyway, the last sevencame out of nowhere.