CC Presents: Nick Di Paolo

  • Season 11, Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007

I ACTUALLY SAW A HOMELESS WOMAN WITH NICE TITS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE A HOMELESS WOMAN WITH NICE TITS.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE. THEY'RE REAL.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANYPEPSI CANS IT WOULD TAKE

TO PAY FOR A TIT JOB, FOLKS? COME ON, FIVE, 6,000.

GIRLS ARE NATURALLY PRETTY IN NEW YORK.

IT'S NOT LIKE LOS ANGELES.I WAS OUT THERE A FEW WEEKS AGO.

EVERYBODY'S DOING BOTOX. IF YOU'RE AN OLDER PERSON

AND YOU'RE GONNA DO BOTOX ON YOUR FACE,

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE SKIN ON YOUR NECK.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE PEOPLE ON TV?

THEIR SKIN ON THEIR FACE IS SO TIGHT LOOKS LIKE THEY PULLED

- A CONDOM OVER A PUMPKIN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THEIR NECK'S GOT MORE WRINKLES THAN A SHARPEI'S BALLS

DIPPED IN ICE WATER. IT'S LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SPENDTEN GRAND ON YOUR FACE,WHY DON'T YOU SPEND

15 BUCKS ON A [BLEEP] TURTLENECK?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT THE FOREHEAD OF A 10 YEAR-OLD GIRL

AND THE NECK OF A SNAPPING TURTLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THEIR FACE DOESN'T MATCHTHEIR NECK, YOU KNOW?

IF YOU ASK SOMEBODY TO GUESS YOUR AGE

AND THEIR FIRST GUESS IS 21 AND THEIR SECOND GUESS IS 78--

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT BOTOX IS?IT'S A FORM OF BOTULISM,WHICH IS FOOD POISONING

YOU CAN GET FROM OLD CANNED GOODS.

[LAUGHTER]

KENNY ROGERS? WHAT, DID HE FALL INTO A FRYER LATER FIRST?

JESUS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY? HIS SKIN IS SO TIGHT

WHEN HE'S SINGING, WHEN HE OPENS HIS LOWER JAW

HIS BALLS ARE CRAWLING UP HIS CHEST.

- IT'S LIKE-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE IN SUCH A HURRY TO GET PLASTIC SURGERY NOW,

WE DON'T EVEN CHECK OUT THE DOCTOR'S CREDENTIALS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY IN QUEENS LAST YEAR

DOING PLASTIC SURGERY OUT OF HIS HOUSE AS A HOBBY? HE WASN'T EVEN A DOCTOR.

HE'S JUST [BLEEP] AROUNDFOR A COUPLE WEEKS.

HE DISFIGURED LIKE TEN PEOPLE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY DESERVE IT.

HOW STUPID ARE-- THIS GUY'S WORKING OUT OF HIS HOUSE.

THAT SHOULD BE A RED FLAG RIGHT THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF YOU RANG YOUR DOCTOR'S DOORBELL AND YOU HEAR

- A BUNCH OF DOGS BARKING-- - [LAUGHTER]

A PIT BULL LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW WEARING A METS T-SHIRT.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HE'S NOT A REAL DOCTOR AT THAT POINT?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WAKE UP IN POST-OP. YOU'RE LAYING ON A DIRTY FUTON

ON HIS KITCHEN FLOOR. THERE'S A CAT TAKING A DUMP

IN A BOX NEXT TO YA. THERE'S THREE ILLEGAL ALIENS

LYING ON A RED BEANBAG CHAIR WITH TAPE OVER THEIR EYELIDS.

YOU LOOK AT YOUR I.V. IT'S AN UPSIDE-DOWN

SIERRA MIST BOTTLEHOOKED TO A GARDEN HOSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S A LOT OF WORDS, FOLKS, I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT GONNA GET BOTOXOR ANY OF THAT [BLEEP].

I'M ALREADY LOOKING LIKE BUTTAFUCO, YOU KNOW, AFTER 3 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

I LOOK LIKE A [BLEEP] FROM SICILY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[ITALIAN ACCENT] I'M NEVER GONNA GET A-FAKE-A TITS.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT I'M MARRIED NOW, SO IREALLY DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT.

I GOT MARRIED ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO.

I WAS SITTING HOME. I WAS SINGLE.

I WAS THINKING, "YOU KNOW,

"MY NUTS ARE EMPTY AND MY WALLET'S FULL.

HOW CAN I REVERSE THESE TWO THINGS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS A SLOW BURNER.

- THEY, AH... - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THEY SAY MARRIAGE IS A COMPROMISE. OH YEAH, REAL COMPROMISE.

COMPARE THE WEDDING RINGS AFTER THE CEREMONY.

SHE'S GOT A $10,000 DIAMOND ON HER FINGER,

"I'M WEARING A WASHER FROM A URINAL THAT BROKE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, THANKS FOR THE FUNYON, THIS IS GORGEOUS.

- WHAT, DID IT--- [LAUGHTER]

FELL OUT OF A PLUMBER'SASS CRACK IN QUEENS

ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO. THANKS, HONEY.

- THAT WAS REALLY-- - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS SINGLE TILL I WAS 41.

I STILL CAN'T GET USED TO HER NAME ON ALL MY STUFF.

LIKE MY CHECKS AND CREDIT CARDS AND [BLEEP]. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU DON'T WANT MY NAME ON THE DEED TO THE HOUSE?"

I'M LIKE "I DON'T WANT IT ON THE [BLEEP] ANSWERING MACHINE.

"HOW AM I GONNA GET LAID? YOU'RE [BLEEP] BLOCKIN' ME.

- SERIOUSLY."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU CALL MY HOUSE, THIS IS WHAT YOU HEAR.

"HI, THIS IS NICK AND THIS IS-- BEEP."

[LAUGHTER]

I WASN'T GOOD WHEN I WAS SINGLE

'CAUSE GUYS, WHEN YOU GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP,

YOU HAVE TO BE PHONY THE FIRST FEW MONTHS, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA PULL OUT THE CHAIR FOR HER,

OPENING CAR DOORS AND CRAP, YOU KNOW?

CUT TO ABOUT A YEAR LATER, YOU'RE SITTIN' IN HER CAR, RIFLING THROUGH HER PURSE,

LOOKING FOR HER BEST FRIEND'S PHONE NUMBER

AS SHE'S TRYING TO CHANGE A FLAT TIRE IN THE RAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"COME ON, YOU PUSSY, THOSE LUG NUTS ARE BRAND-NEW."

- LET'S GO! - [LAUGHTER]

YOU YOUNG GUYS ARE LOOKING UP HERE GOING,

"I'M NEVER GONNA GET MARRIED." THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

BUT HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU GO HOME, WATCH SPORTS CENTER,

ORDER A PIZZA AND JERK OFF BEFORE THAT GETS BORING?

I'LL TELL YOUHOW MANY TIMES, 11,556.

- THAT'S HOW MANY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE FIGHT ABOUT MONEY.

SHE SPENDS MONEY LIKE A DOMINICAN PIMP,

LIKE EVERY GIRL I'VE EVER DATED. YEAH.

OOH, HE SAID DOMINICAN.OOH, WHAT [BLEEP].

- OOH. [BLEEP] HIM. - [LAUGHTER]

SHE COMES HOME LAST WEEK WITH 20 DISPOSABLE RAZORS FOR $5.

I GO, "I DON'T EVEN USE THAT KIND."

SHE GOES, "THEY'RE ON SALE!" "YEAH, SO ARE THE TAMPONS.

"WHY DON'T YOU PICK ME UP 50 OF THOSE?

"I CAN TAPE 'EM TO MY FACE TO STOP THE BLEEDING

"AFTER I SHAVE WITH THOSE RAZORS YOU BOUGHT ME.

- "I'M AH-- - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I'M SCOOPING BONE MARROW OUT OF MY CHEEK.

"HEY, THANKS FOR SAVING ME A NICKEL, YOU THRIFTY WHORE,

- "I APPRECIATE IT. - [LAUGHTER]

"BLEEDING LIKE DEAD KENNEDY'S LIVER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH

- I APPRECIATE THAT." - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I COME HOME FROM A ROAD TRIP THERE'S A NEW RUG IN THE LIVING ROOM.

I GO, "HOW MUCH IS THE RUG?" SHE GOES, "550 BUCKS."

I GO, "WHY WOULD YOU SPENDTHAT MUCH MONEY ON AN AREA RUG?"

SHE GOES,"IT'S SOUND ABSORBENT."

"OH GOOD, THE NEIGHBORS WON'T HEAR ME STABBING YOU TO DEATH.

[LAUGHTER]

"IS IT WATERPROOF? 'CAUSE I'M GONNA

"WRAP YOUR BODY IN IT, TOSS IT IN A LAKE

"AND BUY A FAKE MUSTACHE AND GO GOLFING FOR THE NEXT

- THREE WEEKS. YEAH." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE MICE IN OUR HOUSE, 'CAUSE I LIVE IN THE WOODS NOW.

I PUT SOME TRAPS DOWN. I CAUGHT HER PUTTING

IMPORTED PARMESAN REGGIANO CHEESE IN THE TRAPS. AT 14 BUCKS A POUND.

"HEY, DOES KRAFT SINGLESRING A BELL, BITCH?"

- JESUS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THESE RATS ARE FROM WESTCHESTER,

NOT THE GAMBINO FAMILY,FOR CHRIST SAKE.

GONNA LEAVE HIMAN ESPRESSO MAKER AND A BISCOTTI

- WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE? - [LAUGHTER]

SHE'S DAYDREAMING THE OTHER DAY.SHE'S GOT A SMIRK ON HER FACE.

I GO, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?"

SHE GOES, "I WAS THINKING IF YOU DIE BEFORE ME,

WHERE I COULD BURY YOU SO I COULD SEE YOU EVERYDAY."

I'M LIKE-- "HOW 'BOUT THE FRONT DOOR OF BED, BATH AND BEYOND?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S LIKE,"WHERE WOULD YOU BURY ME

SO YOU COULD SEE ME EVERYDAY?"

I'M LIKE, "HOW 'BOUT MY GIRLFRIEND, PAM'S HOUSE?"

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

BUT SHE DOESN'TKNOW WHO I AM AFTER 15--

I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER. I GO, "HAND ME THAT BROWN TOWEL."

SHE GOES, "THOSE AREN'T BROWN, THOSE ARE TERRA COTTA."

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU IMAGINE SAYING THAT TO AN ASS-[BLEEP] WHO MADE THOSE?

"THOSE ARE TERRA COTTA?" THE DAY I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER

AND ASK SOMEBODY TO HAND ME A TERRA COTTA TOWEL,

THAT SOMEBODY'LLPROBABLY BE MY HUSBAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE ONLY THING TERRA COTTA WILL BE THE TIP OF OUR [BLEEP].

- BUT-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DO A LOT OF YARD WORKNOW THAT I'M MARRIED.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO SEEMY DAD OUT IN THE YARD.

I'M LIKE, "HE REALLY LOVED THE OUTDOORS."

THEN AFTER I GOT MARRIED, I FIGURED IT OUT.

HE HATED MY MOTHER. YOU KNOW THAT'S HOW IT IS.

MY WIFE CAUGHT ME RAKING LEAVES BACK ONTO OUR PROPERTY

- LAST YEAR. - [LAUGHTER]

NOW SHE WANTS TO GET PREGNANT. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME INVOLVED.

I DON'T KNOW.SHE KEEPS GOING,

"WAIT IN THE CAR, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S NOT A FERTILITY CLINIC,

IT'S YOUROLD BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE."

- "NO IT'S NOT."- [LAUGHTER]

SHE'S HAVING TROUBLE GETTING PREGNANT,

SO SHE'S TAKINGA DRUG CALLED "CLOMED."

IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU HAVE A BABY.

BUT THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE DIARRHEA, BAD BREATH AND MOOD SWINGS.

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ANYBODY YOU'D WANNA [BLEEP], REALLY?

- I MEAN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE HAS WICKED MOOD SWINGS ON THIS.

AND THE SIDE EFFECTS FOR ME,

EVERY TIME SHE TAKES THESE PILLS, I HAVE HALLUCINATIONS.

I SEE A WITCH FLYING AROUND ON A BROOMSTICK FOR TWENTY-FIVE...

"HONEY, HOW ARE THOSE HOT FLASHES?"

"I'M MELTING, YOU SON OF A BITCH,

"I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!

- I'LL GET YOU!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY HAVE ALL THIS STUFF FOR WOMEN

WHO HAVE TROUBLE GETTING PREGNANT.

SHE'S GOT LIKE A PALM PILOT THATTELLS HER WHEN SHE'S OVULATING.

SHE RUNS IN THE BEDROOM LAST WEEK, SHE GOES,

"WE HAVE TO [BLEEP] RIGHT NOW. WE HAVE TO [BLEEP] RIGHT NOW."

"I GET A [BLEEP] CUE?WHAT AM I, A PORN STAR?

I DON'T SEE AN UGLY SOFA AND A POTTED PLANT BEHIND ME."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S LIKE "I'M PEAKING! I'M PEAKING!"

I TOOK HERCALENDAR OUT FROM 1976.

I CIRCLED A WEDNESDAY, I GO, "THAT'S WHEN I PEAKED."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S A TURKEY BASTER. SEE YOU AFTER SPORTS CENTER.

I GOT TWO NIECES WHO DEVELOPED REAL EARLY.

I GOT 'EM BOTH SUPER SOAKERS FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

FAMILY'S ALL PISSED AT ME. I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

TITS LIKE THAT, THEY NEED PROTECTION." JESUS.

"YEAH, BUT 3 YEARS IN A ROW? COME ON, UNCLE NICK."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE GOES, "HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON ME?" I GO, "NO."

SHE GOES, "YOU SWEARON YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE?"

- I GO, "WHAT IS SHE, LIKE 70?" - [LAUGHTER]

SHE DIDN'T TALK TO ME FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS AFTER THAT CRACK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE UP IN WESTCHESTER.

AND I MOVED OUT OF THE CITY, AND MY FRIENDS GO,

"AREN'T YOU GONNA MISS THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF THE CITY?"

YOU KNOW WHAT DROVE ME OUT OF THE CITY? THE CAR ALARMS.

COULD THEY MAKE THOSE THINGS MORE SENSITIVE?

[BLEEP]-- DUCK FARTS IN MONTREAL,

THESE THINGS ARE GOING OFF IN FRONT OF MY BUILDING.

MY WIFE'S LIKE, "IS SOMEBODY STEALING A CAR?"

"EITHER THAT OR A MALLET, HAVE SOME CHILI IN FRONT OF THE MOLSON CENTER.

- "I'M NOT SURE. I-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"AND THE MISTER SOFTY TRUCKS, THE ICE CREAM TRUCKS NEED

58 INCH WOOFERS TO PLAY'PUFF GOES THE WEASEL'FOR 6 AND-A-HALF HOURS?"

♪ DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA! ♪

[LAUGHTER]

I GO OUT FOR A CREAMSICLE, YOU KNOW I'M ON THE PHONE

WITH PEOPLE FROM MIRACLE EAR FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS.

"CAN YOU SPEAK UP? I JUST GOT MY NIECE A CREAMSICLE,

- I CAN'T HEAR [BLEEP]. HELLO?" - [LAUGHTER]

I LIKE THE HOUSE. AT THE CLOSING,

THE PEOPLE-- AND THIS IS TRUE--

WHO SOLD US THE HOUSE TOLD US THAT THERE'S

A GHOST IN THE HOUSE. TRUE STORY.

SO MY WIFE HIRES A CATHOLIC PRIEST TO BLESS THE HOUSE,

THINKING IT'S GONNA SCARE THE GHOST.

WHICH IS ONLY GONNA WORK IF THE GHOST IS A 10 YEAR-OLD BOY

- IN A TIGHT BATHING SUIT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I KNEW THAT WOULD WORK.[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES]

THE PRIEST COMES IN,HE'S THROWING HOLY WATERALL OVER MY HOUSE.

I'M LIKE "THESE ARE THE ORIGINAL HARDWOOD FLOORS, ASS-[BLEEP].

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" HE'S LIKE, "MUST HAVE SOME MURPHY'S OIL,

DON'T YA, FATHER FLANAGAN?I'M SURE YOU DO."

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE IT UP THERE IN WESTCHESTER.

THEY THINK I'M PUERTO RICAN, THE JEWS ARE ALL CONFUSED.

IT'S HILARIOUS. I'M DRIVING 'EM--

I WAKE UP THERE'S DEER IN MY DRIVEWAY AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHY DO PEOPLE GO HUNTING?

MY COUSIN GOES TO MAINE.HE STANDS IN THE WOODS,

FREEZES HIS NUTS OFF FOR THREE WEEKS;

COMES BACK WITH NOTHING. I COULD WANDER IN MY BACKYARD

IN MY UNDERWEARWITH A DRY CLEANING BAGAND A PIECE OF ROPE

AND SUFFOCATE TEN OF THESE [BLEEP] THINGS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I USED TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE,

"HOW COULD YOU KILL A DEER?" AND NOW I'M CHASING 'EM NAKED

WITH A CLAW HAMMER IN MY NEIGHBOR'S YARD.

THEY EAT YOUR PROPERTY AND STUFF.

MY NEIGHBORS, YOU KNOWWHAT THEY TOLD ME TO DO?

PUT HOT SAUCE ON YOUR SHRUBS AND BUSHES

TO KEEP 'EMFROM EATING YOUR STUFF.NOW I GOT A NEW PROBLEM,

MY MEXICAN GARDENER'S EATING MY LILIES.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTORS OF ALL TIME, CLAIMING

HE'S AN EX-SLAVE NOW. THIS GUY'S BEEN LIVING IN A

50-ROOM MANSION IN MALIBU FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

YEAH, YOU'RE A REGULAR FREDERICK DOUGLAS.

CLOSEST HE'S COME TO BEING A SLAVE

IS PICKING THE COTTON OUT OF AN ASPIRIN BOTTLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I'VE BEEN CALLED A [BLEEP] MORE TIMES THAN DENZEL WASHINGTON.

I GUARANTEE IT.

I'M SERIOUS. I'M FROM BOSTON. I'M ITALIAN.

AS A KID, I GET VERY DARK IN THE SUMMERTIME.

FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL, I GET IN LIKE TEN FISTFIGHTS.

ALL THE IRISH KIDS ARE CALLING ME "NICK THE [BLEEP]."

'COURSE IT DIDN'T HELP MY MOTHER SENDING ME TO SCHOOL

IN A PURPLE SUIT AND A FUR COAT, YOU KNOW.

I GOT A THERMOS FULL OF RIPPLE

AND A PACK OF NEW PORTS IN MY MALCOM X LUNCH BOX.

- AND, YOU KNOW... - [LAUGHTER]

BLACK PEOPLE-- I KNOW YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS.

IF WHITE PEOPLE TELL YOU THEY'VE NEVER USED THE "N" WORD

THEY'RE LYING TO YOUR FACE.EITHER THAT OR THEY'VE NEVER BET

- $1,000 IN AN NBA GAME. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH YEAH, COME ON, WHITE FOLKS. COME ON, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

DWAYNE WADE MISSES A 3-POINTER WITH 2 SECONDS LEFT.

WHAT, ARE YOU YELLING?"OH THAT DAMN AFRICAN-AMERICAN!"

- I DON'T THINK SO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVEN MY 90 YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER'S LIKE

"THAT [BLEEP] [BLEEP] COST MY TEN LARGE.

THAT'S SON OF A BITCH,I'M GONNA BUST HIS ASS.

- ENNA-NA GATZA!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S DIVERSITY. IT'S ALL GOOD, FOLKS. [CHUCKLES]"

[LAUGHTER]

MY FRIENDS ARE GOING, "NICK, HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE DIVERSITY?"

"WELL, DIVERSITY'S THE REASONIT TAKES ME 20 MINUTES

TO GET A PACK OF GUM AT A DWAYNE WADE, THAT'S WHY.

- [WHINING NOISES] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT BEHIND A LATINO LADY PLAYING THE LOTTERY LAST WEEK.

SHE WAS PLAYING HER KIDS' BIRTH DATES.

I WAS THERE FOR SIX AND-A-HALF HOURS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE HAD STRETCH MARKS ON HER ASS, HER ELBOWS, HER FOREARMS,

HER CHEEKS, HER HANDS. THREE BABIES IN A BOOK BAG,

TWO IN A CARDBOARD BOX, FOUR IN A STROLLER. JESUS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT RACIST.

I'M ALL FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES,

'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT, WHITE FOLKS,

IF WE DIDN'T SIT NEXT TO AN ASIAN OR AN INDIAN KID

ON EVERY TEST, YOU WOULD HAVE FLUNKED OUT IN THREE WEEKS.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - NOBODY, AH--

NOBODY WALKS INTO A CHEMISTRY TEST AND GOES--

"WHERE'S THE PUERTO RICAN SITTIN'?"

[LAUGHTER]

UNLESS HE'S YOUR DEALER, THEN,HE MIGHT KNOW THE METRIC SYSTEM,

HE CAN HELP YOU OUT. BUT, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I SAW THE NEW POPE ON TV COUPLE WEEKS--

ANYBODY ELSE GET NERVOUS WHEN YOU SEE A GERMAN GUY

ON A BALCONY WITH 50,000 PEOPLE CHEERING HIM ON?

THAT'S KIND OF--

- HAVEN'T WE SEEN THAT-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- MEL GIBSON'S BEHIND. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I LIKED THE OLD POPE. HE WAS KINDA COOL.

REMEMBER HE DIED, THEY WERE INTERVIEWING PEOPLE ON CNN?

THE GUY GOES, "THE POPE DIED TODAY."

THIS GUY LOOKS IN A CAMERA, HE GOES--

"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?" THE GUY GOES, "I WAS SHOCKED."

YEAH, WHO SAW THAT COMIN'? THIS GUY WAS IN HIS LATE 100s.

HE HAD THE POSTURE OF A JUMBO SHRIMP.

- [LAUGHTER] - YOU WERE SHOCKED?

WHAT, DID YOUSEE HIM ON THE X GAMES?

WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I WAS NOT SHOCKED WHEN THE POPE DIED.

'CAUSE I SAW HIM TRY TO SPEAK LIKE A WEEK BEFORE HE DIED.

REMEMBER HE ROLLED UP TO THE WINDOW AND HE WENT,

"RAH, RAH, RAH, RAH! RAH, RAH, RAH!"

"HOLY JESUS,IT'S MICKEY FROM ROCKY."

[AS MICKEY] "YOU NEED A MANAGER, ROCK!

"THE MUSLIMS ARE POUNDIN' THE [BLEEP] OUTTA US, ROCK.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- THEY'RE POUNDING US, ROCK!" - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE THEY BURIED HIM YET? THEY DRAG HIM AROUND FOR,

WHAT, LIKE SIX WEEKS? LIKE HE WAS THE STANLEY CUP.

PEOPLE DRINKING BEER OUT OF HIS HAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW COME EVERYBODY CRIED WHEN HE DIED?

HE'S TRYING TO GET TO WHERE HE'S GOING LAST 80 YEARS.

HE'S ALREADY THERE. WHAT ARE YOU GETTING PISSED AT?

CRY WHEN I DIE, FOR CHRIST SAKE.I'M PRETTY SURE

I WON'T NEED A JACKETFOR THAT TRIP, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS SINGLE IN THE '80s. YOU KNOW, I'M 44 YEARS--

REMEMBER THE '80s, GUYS? REMEMBER WHEN SOCCER MOMS WEREN'T RULING THE WORLD?

WE USED TO BE ABLE TO DRINK AND DO COKE RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN.

NOBODY GAVE A [BLEEP]. YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YOU GO TO A BAR. YOU'D HAVE LIKE 40 DRINKS.

THEN YOU REMEMBER YOU HAD A CAR IN THE PARKING LOT,

SO YOU AND YOUR BUDDY WOULD SPLIT AN 8-BALL IN 6 MINUTES,

- TRY TO SOBER UP. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET PULLED OVER ANYWAYS. YOU KNOW-- COP'S LIKE,

"SON, COULD YOU WALK A STRAIGHT LINE FOR ME?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, BUT I COULD SNORT ONE FOR YA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"SON, COULD YOU TOUCH YOUR FINGER TO YOUR NOSE?"

"WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING IT A LOT NIGHT,

"WHAT AM I GONNA STOP NOW FOR? I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

[SNIFFS] GOT A CHUNK STUCK IN MY RIGHT CAVITY, THANK YOU, SERGEANT."

- [SNIFFS] - [LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE TRYING TO TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF A TICKET,

BUT YOU'RE SO COKED UP,YOUR LIP IS STUCK.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU BUSTIN' MY BALLS FOR?

"I HAD A COUPLE A-- I HAD A COUPLE A DRINKS AT APPLEBEE'S

"AND A COUPLE A CHICKEN FINGERS.

"GET OFF MY BACK, MAN.WHAT THE [BLEEP], I'M FINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?!"

YOU GET HOME, EVEN YOUR CAT'S AFRAID OF YA.

YOU'RE LIKE, "FLUFFY, COME UP-- FLUFFY, GET UP."

CAT'S LIKE,"[RARRR!] HE'S COKED UP.

HE'S GONNA SHAVE MY ASS AGAIN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN YOU CHASE HIM AROUND FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES, RIGHT,

BUT IT FEELS LIKE TWO 'CAUSE YOU'RE, YOU KNOW, ALL COKED UP,

YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE'S 650 OVER 711. AND YOU FINALLY

CATCH THE CAT, YOU'RE SO PISSED

YOU GIVE HIM THE REST OF YOUR COKE, WATCH HIM TEAR UP

A LAMPSHADE IN 30 SECONDS. AND YOU DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]

'CAUSE YOU JUST REALIZED IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS.YOU GUYS ARE TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

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