Larry Miller & Ellen Degeneres

  • Season 1, Ep 0131
  • 02/24/1992

I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVEIN THE LAST 15, 20 YEARS

WITH THE WRONG WOMEN.

NOT THAT I'M ANY GIFT

BUT TRUST ME,THE WRONG, REALLY THE...

I MEAN, I WOULD GOTO A SINGLES BAR

AND SOMEONE WOULD SNEER AT MEAND I'M HOOKED, IMMEDIATELY.

AND I JUST-- EVEN MANSON,YOU KNOW, DESPICABLE, RIGHT?

IN ONE MOMENT OF CLARITYHE ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT DATING

AND WENT, "GO SLOWAFTER YOU MEET SOMEBODY."

THAT WAS MANSON SAYING THAT.

MANSON SAID, "GO SLOW."

I CAN'T... YOU KNOW,HE'S MORE EVOLVED THAN I AM

IN THE DATING PROCESS.

AND MY PROBLEM IS,I'VE BEEN DATING ACTRESSES

BECAUSE I LIVE OUT HERE,AND THEY'RE SO NARCISSISTIC

AND AGAIN, I'M AN ACTOR, TOO

BUT THEY JUST CAREABOUT THE CAREER

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET,MY EX CAME HOME ONE DAY

AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, TODAY I ALMOST DONATED BLOOD."

"HEY, FABULOUS, FABULOUS."

SHE NEVER ATE,ALWAYS THE WEIGHT.

THE BIGGEST SANDWICH...

I THINK ON THANKSGIVING

SHE MADE, LIKE,AN OPEN-FACE CROUTON SANDWICH

WHICH WAS REALLY FABULOUS.

OF COURSE, SHE TOOK DIET VALIUM,WHICH WAS A BIG THING FOR HER

I THINK I'D BE REMISS IF IDIDN'T HAVE AT LEAST ONE THOUGHT

ABOUT OUR CURRENTPOLITICAL SCENE.

YOU KNOW THE ONE.

( laughter )

MOST DISTURBING TO MEIS OUR PRUDISHNESS.

WHEN DID WE BECOME SO SILLY

ABOUT "WELL, YOU CAN'T DRINK,NO GAMBLING, NO SEX."

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THERE?

I'LL BE HONEST

I DON'T WANT A CLEAN-LIVING GUYIN THE WHITE HOUSE

WITH HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON.

HE THINKS HE'S GOINGRIGHT TO HEAVEN.

( laughter )

YOU WANT TO FEEL SAFEWITH A LEADER?

GIVE ME A GUY WHO FIGHTS IN BARSAND CHEATS ON HIS WIFE.

THIS IS A MAN WHO WANTSTO PUT OFF JUDGMENT DAY

AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

OF COURSE, I KNOWI SHOULDN'T KID ABOUT DRINKING.

THAT'S PRETTY DANGEROUS.

SOME OF YOU KNOW THAT TONIGHT.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAD

A LITTLE TOO MUCHTO DRINK THE OTHER NIGHT.

OKAY, IT WAS ME.

( laughter )

WHY DO WE DO IT--

JUST PISTOL-WHIP OURSELVESWITH LIQUOR?

THERE ARE FIVE LEVELSOF DRINKING.

SIX IF YOU LIVEIN A TRAILER PARK.

( laughter )

BUT NEVER MIND THAT NOW.

WE WILL DEAL WITH FIVE,AND SEE IF THESE LOOK FAMILIAR.

LEVEL ONE.

LET'S SAY IT'S 11:00ON A WEEKNIGHT.

YOU HAD A FEW BEERS.

YOU GET UP TO LEAVE BECAUSEYOU HAVE WORK THE NEXT DAY

WHEN ONE OF YOUR FRIENDSBUYS ANOTHER ROUND.

ONE OF YOUR UNEMPLOYED FRIENDS.

BUT SEE, HERE AT LEVEL ONEYOU'D THINK TO YOURSELF

"OH, COME ON, NOW.

"WHY, LONG AS I GETSEVEN HOURS' SLEEP

I'M COOL."

LEVEL TWO, MIDNIGHT.

HAD A FEW MORE BEERS.

YOU JUST SPENT 20 MINUTESARGUING AGAINST ARTIFICIAL TURF.

( laughter )

YOU GET UP TO LEAVE AGAIN

BUT AT LEVEL TWO, A LITTLE DEVILAPPEARS ON YOUR SHOULDER...

( pops his lips )

AND NOW YOU'RE THINKING

"HEY, HEY, I'M OUTWITH MY FRIENDS."

( laughter )

"WHAT AM I WORKING FORANYWAY, HUH?

"THESE ARE THE GOOD TIMES.

"BESIDES, LONG AS I GETFIVE HOURS' SLEEP..."

I'M COOL."

YOU'VE ABANDONED BEERFOR TEQUILA.

( laughter )

( buzzing with his tongue )

YOU'VE JUST SPENT 20 MINUTESARGUING FOR ARTIFICIAL TURF.

NOW YOU'RE THINKING

"OUR WAITRESS IS THE MOSTBEAUTIFUL GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN."

BUT SEE, AT LEVEL THREEYOU LOVE THE WORLD.

ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM

YOU BUY A DRINK FOR THESTRANGER AT THE END OF THE BAR

JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE HIS FACE.

YOU GET DRINKING FANTASIES.

"HEY, FELLAS, IF WEALL BOUGHT OUR OWN BAR

"WE COULD LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER!

"WE COULD DO IT, TOMMY.

YOU COULD COOK."

YEAH, BUT AT LEVEL THREE, THATDEVIL IS A LITTLE BIT BIGGER.

AND HE'S BUYING.

AND YOU'RE THINKING,"OH, COME ON, NOW.

"AS LONG AS I GETTHREE HOURS' SLEEP

"AND A COMPLETECHANGE OF BLOOD..."

I'M COOL."

LEVEL FOUR, 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

AND THE DEVIL IS BARTENDING.

FOR LAST CALL, YOU ORDEREDA BOTTLE OF RUM AND A COKE.

YOU A ARTIFICIAL TURF.

THIS TIME ON YOUR WAYTO THE BATHROOM

YOU PUNCH THE STRANGERAT THE END OF THE BAR

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'TLIKE HIS FACE.

AND NOW YOU'RE THINKING

"OUR BUS BOY IS THE BEST-LOOKING MAN I'VE EVER SEEN."

( laughter and applause )

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDSDECIDE TO LEAVE

RIGHT AFTER YOU GET THROWN OUT

AND ONE OF YOU KNOWSAN AFTER-HOURS BAR

AND HERE, AT LEVEL FOUR,YOU ACTUALLY THINK TO YOURSELF

"WELL, AS LONG AS I'M ONLY GOINGTO GET A FEW HOURS' SLEEP ANYWAY

"I MIGHT AS WELL...

Audience:STAY UP ALL NIGHT.

"STAY UP ALL NIGHT!

"YEAH, THAT'D BE GOOD FOR ME.

"I DON'T MIND GOINGTO THAT BOARD MEETING

"LOOKING LIKE KEITH RICHARDS."

( laughter )

"I'LL TURN THAT AROUND,MAKE IT WORK FOR ME.

"BESIDES, AS LONG AS I GET31 HOURS' SLEEP TOMORROW..."

COOL."

( breathy whistle )

AFTER UNSUCCESSFULLYTRYING TO GET YOUR MONEY BACK

AT THE TATTOO PARLOR...

( laughter )

"YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOWANYONE NAMED RUBY."

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS WIND UP ACROSS THE STATE LINE

IN A BAR FILLED WITH GUYSWHO'VE BEEN IN PRISON

AS RECENTLY AS THAT MORNING--

A PLACE WHERE EVENTHE DEVIL IS GOING

"I GOT TO TURN IN, BYE-BYE.

"NO, I GOT TO BEIN HELL AT 9:00.

I GOT THAT BRUNCH WITH HITLER,I CAN'T MISS THAT."

( laughter )

YOU'RE ALL DRINKING SOMEKIND OF THICK BLUE LIQUOR.

IT'S USUALLY USEDTO CLEAN COMBS.

( laughter )

A WAITRESS WITH FRESH STITCHESIN HER HEAD COMES OVER...

AND YOU'RE THINKING, "SOMEDAYI'M GOING TO MARRY THAT GIRL."

AND SUDDENLY ONE OF YOUR FRIENDSSTANDS UP AND SCREAMS

"WE'RE DRIVING TO FLORIDA!"

AND PASSES OUT.

YOU EVER MAKE ONEOF THOSE TRIPS, BY THE WAY?

I TELL YOU, THAT RIDE BACKIS MIGHTY QUIET.

( laughter )

"YOU WANT TO QUITTHAT WHISTLING?"

YOU CRAWL OUTSIDE FOR AIR

AND YOU HIT THE WORST PARTOF LEVEL FIVE, THE SUN.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU WALK OUT OF A BARIN DAYLIGHT

AND PEOPLE ARE ON THEIR WAYTO WORK, OR JOGGING...

AND THEY LOOK AT YOU,AND THEY KNOW.

AND THEY SAY, "WHO'S RUBY?"

( laughter )

LOOK, FOLKS, LET'S BE HONEST.

IF YOU'RE 19 AND YOU STAY UPALL NIGHT, IT'S A VICTORY.

IT'S LIKE YOU BEAT THE NIGHT.

YOU REMEMBER THAT FEELING.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU'RE OVER 3O

THAT SUN IS LIKEGOD'S FLASHLIGHT.

( laughter )

( applause )

WE ALL SAY THE SAME PRAYER THEN.

SAY IT WITH ME NOW.

I SWEAR...

All:I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.

HOW LONG?

All:AS LONG AS I LIVE.

AND SOME OF US HAVETHAT LITTLE ADDITION:

AND THIS TIME, I MEAN IT.

BECAUSE WHEN I GO TO MY FAMILYREUNIONS IT'S USUALLY HECKLING

SO I GOT TAKEN ABACKFOR A MINUTE.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW,I WASN'T MOCKING MYSELF.

I WASN'T MOCKING YOUOR WOMEN OR MEN.

REALLY, MY LAST GIRLFRIENDWAS REALLY-- WOMAN--

WAS A NIGHTMARE.

GOD, I MEAN, SHE TOLD ME

THAT HER ORGASMS GAVE HERAN UPSET STOMACH.

I MEAN, ISN'T IT TIME TO JUSTGO, "HEY, I'M GOING SOUTH.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF."

AND I KNEW SHE CHEATED.

WELL, SHE DIDN'T CHEAT--WELL, MAYBE SHE DID.

OH, SHE HADSO MANY EXES, I JUST...

WELL, HERE'S THE DEAL.

WHEN YOU'RE LYING IN BED

YOU HAVE THESETERMS OF ENDEARMENT

LIKE, "HI, LITTLE POOPY"OR "POOKY"

OR WHATEVER THE HELL PEOPLE SAY.

I USED TO ACTUALLY SAY,"HI, LITTLE... I LOVE YOU.

OH, TAKE ME, WANT ME,LITTLE POOKY PUCKA POOKA."

I SAID, "POOKY PUCKA POOKA."

NOW, WHO WOULD EVER BE CALLED"POOKY PUCKA POOKA"?

AND SHE WOULD, LIKE, GO...

( gasps )

"DON'T EVER CALL MEPOOKY PUCKA..."

( laughter )

"WHY NOT?"

"GARY CALLED ME THAT."

"OH, SORRY."

SO THE MIND BOGGLES AT HOWMANY MEN THAT SHE SLEPT WITH.

PLUS THAT'S WHY SHE CAME DOWNWITH ALL THESE THINGS.

I MEAN, SHE ACTUALLY WASINFECTED WITH A BEAST INFECTION

WHICH I FELT WAS FRIGHTENING.

MY OWN SHRINK CALLED MEA SHMUCK FOR BEING WITH HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AT ANY TIME IN YOUR LIFE

IT'S IMPORTANT TO LOOK GOOD.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSEIF YOU LOOK DECENT

YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO FLIRTYOUR WAY OUT OF THE TICKET

AND NO MATTER IF YOU'RE A MALEOR FEMALE, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

BUT THE WORST TIME IS

LIKE IF YOU'VE JUST THROWN ONANY HORRIBLE OUTFIT

RUNNING TO THE STORE TO PICK UPA PINT OF HAAGEN-DAZS.

YOU'VE GOT, LIKE,SNOOPY SWEATPANTS

AND A NEHRU JACKET ON.

YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD STORY.

AND THERE'S NOTHING WORSETHAN THAT ANTICIPATION.

YOU'RE JUST WAITING FORTHE POLICEMAN TO COME UP

THINKING WHAT AREYOU GOING TO SAY?

YOU'RE JUST...

"HI.

"LISTEN, BEFOREYOU START WRITING

"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

"I WAS... JUST AT HOME,JUST AT HOME

"AND THE PHONE RANG.

"HELLO.

"AND, UM, IT WAS,UM, MY MOTHER.

"SHE LIVES ALONE.

"SHE'S OLD AND SHE'S...YOU KNOW MOTHERS.

"YOU HAVE A MOTHER, I'M SURE.

"EVERYONE...

"ANYWAY, SHE SAID,'ELLEN, HONEY...'

"THAT'S MY NAME. HI.

"NOT 'HONEY,'THAT'S A TERM OF ENDEARMENT.

"YOU CAN CALL ME 'HONEY,'DOESN'T MATTER.

"BUT SHE SAID,'ELLEN, HONEY, I'VE FALLEN

"AND I THINK I'VEBROKEN MY... NECK.'

"NECK-- OH, I KNOW.

"SO RIGHT AWAY,GOT THE HAAGEN-DAZS.

SHE LOVES THAT AND, UM..."

( laughter )

"AND, UH, THE COLDI THOUGHT WOULD BE..."

( laughter )

"AND THREW THIS ON.

"THIS IS HORRIBLE.

"I WAS NAKED, AND...

JUST NAKED,AT HOME, AEROBICIZING."

( laughter )

"I'M SINGLE AND, UM...

"SO IT'S GOOD TO BE SINGLEAND KEEP IN SHAPE.

"YOU GOT TO KEEP IN SHAPEBECAUSE I DATE A LOT OF MEN.

"NOT A LOT, THAT'S TRAMPY,BUT I DATE MEN.

"UM... SOME LOOK LIKE YOU,IT'S COINCIDENTAL.

"BUT, UM...

"AND, UH, SO, UH,THIS IS HORRIBLE.

"I DON'T LOOK LIKE THISAT ALL, THE KNIT CAP.

"YOU CAN'T SEE WHATMY HAIR LOOKS LIKE

"BUT I HAVE A PHOTO OF MEAT A FRIEND'S WEDDING IF...

"NO? WELL, ANYWAY,I JUST THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

"TO LOOK GOOD TO--BOY, IT'S HOT TODAY.

"ISN'T THE HEAT SOMETHING?

"I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT THIS...

"YOU MUST BE HOT WITHTHE HANDCUFFS, ALL THAT ON.

"THAT'S GOT TO BE HOT.

"NOTHING'S WRONG WITH HEAT,BUT IT'S JUST THE SWEATING.

"NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,THAT THING ON YOUR LIP.

"PEOPLE SWEAT, THAT'SJUST A THING THAT YOU DO.

"THAT'S A NATURALBODILY FUNCTION.

"I LIKE SWEAT, I'M ATTRACTEDTO IT IN A WAY, AND, UM...

"NOT FOR WOMEN.

"MEN, IT'S OKAY,IF IT DOESN'T SMELL.

"PIGS DON'T SWEAT.

"PIGS DON'T HAVE SWEAT GLANDS.

"THAT'S WHY THEY ROLL AROUND INTHE MUD LIKE THAT, TO KEEP COOL.

"PEOPLE THINK THEY'REDIRTY ANIMALS, BUT...

"POLICEMEN ARE CALLED PIGS,AREN'T THEY?

"THAT'S, UH, FUNNY--THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

"NO, I DON'T CALL THEM.

"I HEARD IT ON A TV SHOW.

"JUST WRITE THE TICKET.

I JUST DON'T, UH..."

( applause )

AND THEN I'LL BE FAMOUS

AND THEY'LL JUST SAY,"GO AHEAD, MS. DEGENERES, PLEASE

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE WEARING."

I'M TRYING TO SELL A TV SERIESRIGHT NOW TO A NETWORK.

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY'RE JUSTREHASHING OLD SHOWS ANYWAY.

SO MY IDEA, THINK ABOUT THIS--

FLYING NUN,THAT WAS A POPULAR SHOW.

I KNOW, THAT'S NOT BELIEVABLE.

BUT I'D BE FAIRLY RELIGIOUSAND I COULD JUMP REALLY HIGH.

( laughter )

SO HERE'S WHAT I FOUND OUTABOUT ANTS RECENTLY.

YOU EVER WATCH ANTSJUST CRAWLING AROUND?

SERIOUSLY, THIS ISA VERY IMPORTANT TIP.

YOU KNOW, THEY ALWAYSWALK IN THAT SINGLE LINE

AND THEN SOMETIMESTHEY'LL WALK OVER

AND PICK UP THEIR DEAD FRIENDSAND CARRY THOSE AROUND.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S SO THEYCAN GET IN THE CAR POOL LANE

AND PASS UP THAT LINE.

( applause )

THANKS.

I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.

I... DON'T KNOW.

THEY'RE CALLEDAN ARMY OF ANTS, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S FASCINATING TO ME

THAT THEY HAVE DIFFERENT NAMESFOR DIFFERENT GROUPS OF ANIMALS

LIKE THEY HAVE ARMY OF ANTS,PRIDE OF LIONS, SCHOOL OF FISH

RACK OF LAMB...

IT'S WEIRD.

I LOVE TO WATCH ANIMALS,NOT IN A SICK WAY

BUT I LIKE TO WATCH ANIMALSJUST WALKING AROUND.

I WAS IN DENVER,COLORADO, RECENTLY

JUST WALKING AROUNDTHE MOUNTAINS BY MYSELF.

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL TO DO THAT.

JUST GET IN TOUCH WITH NATUREAND BE BY YOURSELF.

A LITTLE SOUND OF RUSTLINGLEAVES OR SOMETHING

I TURN AROUND.

TEN FEET FROM METHERE'S A FAMILY OF DEER.

THERE'S A MOTHER, FATHER,TWO LITTLE BABY DEER.

I THOUGHT,"OH, I WISH I HAD A GUN."

I JUST COULD HAVE-- BANG,BANG, BANG, BANG, DEAD.

JUST SHOT ALL OF THEMAND KILLED THEM.

WOUNDED ONE AND CHASED IT.

HOW FAR COULD IT GO?

IT WAS A BABY, BUT...

( laughter )

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HUNTING.

TO ME, I LOVE ANIMALS SO MUCH

THAT THE THOUGHTOF SHOOTING AN ANIMAL...

I MEAN, IT'S A POOR LITTLEINNOCENT ANIMAL

JUST STANDING AROUND THINKING LITTLE DEER THOUGHTS

LITTLE "I WONDERWHERE THE BERRIES ARE?

WHAT'S THIS ON MY HOOF?"

THEY ALWAYS PUT THEIR LASTEXPRESSION BEFORE BEING KILLED

ON THEIR WALL.

THIS GUY'S PROUD OF IT.

( chuckling )

"SHOT IT."

"KILLED IT.

"NO, IT WASN'T DOING ANYTHINGTO ME, JUST STANDING THERE.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"

( laughter )

I COULD SEE IF IT WASSOMETHING THAT YOU HATED

SOMETHING YOU'REPROUD YOU KILLED...

LIKE A HUNTER, ACTUALLY,NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.

I MEAN...

( chuckling )

SHOT HIM.

I ASK PEOPLE WHY THEY HAVEDEER HEADS ON THEIR WALLS.

THEY SAY, "BECAUSE IT'SSUCH A BEAUTIFUL ANIMAL."

THERE YOU GO.

I THINK MY MOTHER'S ATTRACTIVE,BUT I HAVE PHOTOGRAPHS OF HER.

( laughter )

"WASN'T MOM PRETTY?"

"SHE HAD GREAT LEGS, TOO.

"THEY'RE IN THE NEXT ROOM.

COME ON."

THE DEER HEADS THATI FEEL SORRY FOR THE MOST

ARE THE ONES ON THE WALLSOF BARS OR RESTAURANTS.

THEY HAVE THE SILLYPARTY HATS ON THEM

SILLY SUNGLASSES,STREAMERS AROUND THEIR NECKS.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY THEY WEREAT A PARTY, HAVING A GOOD TIME.

( laughter )

THEY WERE JUST IN THERE DANCING,ENJOYING THEMSELVES.

♪ I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY ANTLERS,TOO SEXY FOR MY... ♪

"HEY, WHO INVITED THE GUYIN THE ORANGE VEST?"

OOH!

THAT'S ALL MY TIME.

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