Amoros, Davis, Rogerson

  • Season 1, Ep 0110
  • 05/30/1994

Hi, how are you?

WOMAN: Great!

-Nice and enthusiastic.

I-- I just got outof the hospital.

I had some surgery.

I-- I had my motherremoved from my back.

I just got here.

I flew in from New York.

And my first dayin California, I'm

reading-- readinga little paper.

There's a thingon Charles Manson.

Remember Charles Manson?

You remember Chaz.

Charles Manson, in aneffort to improve his life,

has joined Alcoholics Anonymous.

I think that's thefunniest thing.

I mean, can yousee the meetings?

Hi, my name is Charles,and I'm an alcoholic.

And today I killed 32 people,pushed somebody under a train,

and boiled the dog.

But I didn't drink, and Ifeel pretty good about myself.

Thanks for sharing.

I'd love to see CharlesManson on the "Family Feud."

Put the whole Family on whileyou're-- OK, Susan Atkins,

name something youfind in a human body.


Good answer.

Show me flatware.

You remember thatother crazy guy?

That guy John Listkills his entire family.

Put him on the "FamilyFeud," he comes alone.

Where's grandma?

In the attic.

[whistling nervously]

They kill people, and thenthey always blame it on Satan.

They always blame it on Satan.

I think Satan'sgetting a bum rap.

I love Satan.

Well, I don't loveSatan, I respect him.

Well, he always wears black andsilver and silver and black.

And anybody who can accessorizein that kind of heat,

why, that's really terrific.

I mean, you gotta respectthat kind of a human being.

Last time I was out here, Iwas in that huge earthquake.

You remember the earthquakethey had two years ago out here?

I'm out here.

My friends go, oh, ithappens all the time.

It's nothing.

It's the world'ssplitting in half.

It's like saying to a NewYorker, hey pal, what's that?

Oh, it's a bullet hole.

How do you like that one?

Wasn't here when we left thehouse, was it, sweetheart?

Right after the earthquake,my mother calls.

She goes, why don'tyou move back home?

I said, well, quite frankly,I'd rather die suddenly

in an act of Godthan have you slowly

peck me to death for 45 years.

But appreciate the thought.

So it's Tinseltown.

It's Hollywood.

They're doing a-- they want--they say they want to do

a sequel to "DrivingMiss Daisy."

Better hurry.

She's not gettingany younger, is she?

"Driving Miss Daisy PartTwo, the Final Chapter."

I saw that movie in the theater.

I was the youngestperson in the theater.

It's like a cult moviefor senior citizens.

It's like "RockyHorror Picture Show."

They bring props.

They come with bedpans, walkers.

They throw Geritolat the screen.

Jessica Tandy coughed, thewhole theater brought up phlegm.


Right, up to thousands of them.

But you gotta respectJessica Tandy.

81 years old, shewins the Oscar.

My grandmother's 81.

She talks with the toaster oven.

Phone rings, sheopens the microwave.

Eleanor, is that you?

Because I'm sweating like apig, but of course, I'm obese.

So what the hell, Isweat in cold weather.

I love fat.

I'm stunned byreally fat people.

Do you love fat people?

I mean enormous cartoon fat.

You know, like circusfat, that huge kind of fat

that you just can't getover how fat they are.

You ever see thosepeople who are so fat,

you can't guess howmuch they weigh?

What do you think she weighs?

A million.

I don't know.


I just don't know.

You know the people who areso fat, when you see them,

you look like a deerwith headlights on?


I was working inLas Vegas not long

ago, which explains the jacket.

And there was a ladysitting against-- well,

the entire front of thestage, so I'm not sure.

She was a monster.

And I had such anurge to walk on stage

and go, hi, is anybody here fat?



What happened?

She goes my name is Bea.

I said, Hemoth?

She was enormous.

When I see people--let's say you see

someone who weighs 1,100 pounds.

Now, I think if youweigh over 1,100,

you've made a couple ofpoor digestive choices

along the way.

When I see people who are thatfat, I want to walk up to them

and go, what happened?

Were you sad?

Did you pass a bakeryand get sucked in?

I mean, what happened to you?


I mean, I'm a little heavy.

I mean, it's not like sadheavy, but it's-- you know.

My whole family's a little big.

I have a sister kind of--kind of on the huge side.

She weighs about 300 pounds.

She's about 4'11".

It's a pretty picture.

We buy her clothes inthose specialty stores

for the bigger gal,like Lane Bryant.

Clothes come in threesizes-- jumbo, husky,

and "oh my god, it'smoving towards us."

Like (SINGING) here shecomes, North America.

Thank you all very much.

Drinking up, huh?

I had to quit drinking.

I kept waking up in Utah.

With a Mohawk.

Not a haircut, a bigsweaty Indian fella.

I had to quit.

It wasn't the tepee living, itwas all them arts and crafts.

You know, it was one moretotem, I'm out of here, Tonto.

It's weird.

We were into it, though.

Haven't smoked in 64 days.


Thanks very much.


I, um-- no, cigarettes arehard to quit, aren't they?

I quit for like-- there'snothing to do with your hands.

I'd be in restaurants.

They'd be like, wouldyou like a slice of pie?

I'm like, yeah,bring the whole pie.

And I'm lighting the pie.

You can't smoke pie.

McDonald's pies you can.

You snip off the ends there, andit's like big old fruit cigars.

Of course, thenthere's pie butts

everywhere after that one.

We're into it, though.

We're-- we have the Bureau ofAlcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

Why'd we put them together?

I called them up.

Guy said, Bureau of Alcohol,Tobacco, and Firearms.

I said, yeah, whatbourbon goes with an M-16?

Guy was helpful.

He says, what are you smoking?

I go-- I said, pie.

Here, you talk to him, Tonto.

I got stuff to do.

It's a little smoky.

I just got contact lenses.

You guys have these?

Is it easier to touchyour eye after a while?

It's an open nerve tothe brain, isn't it?

There's no sneaking upon the eye, is there?

You know.



You know, you don't just--it takes me forever, man.

Like OK, here it is.


I've tried flipping them in.

I put them on a table.

I roll my head against them.

It's like, are they in?

You gotta wash themand rinse them.

All those bottles.

I washed them innasal spray today.

Have you done that?

It stings like hell.

Of course, I can whistlethrough my eyes now, you know.

Well, you gotta getup close to hear it.

I know that's annoying to lookat, but it's a pretty tone.

I just got married a month ago.

I feel good about that.

That's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, thanks.

Well, I had to.

I-- I had to.

I'm-- I'm losingmy hair, you know.

I-- I got deadlines, man.

Am I right?

Lonely, lonelier, loneliest.

But I love her.

It's a good relationship.

We're being honest,and that's great.

She said I talk too much.

I do.

I've joined a self-helpprogram called On and On Anon.

And, um-- I go.

The meetings last forever, man.

I love-- those peoplewon't shut up, you know.

I want to have kids,that's the thing.

You guys have kids?

Do you?

Little ones?

Did you get a sitter tonight?


That's good.

I ask.

Sometimes a lot of peoplego, damn it, and run out.

That's-- how old are they?

How old are they?

8 and 12?That's great.

Weird to raisethem now, isn't it?

Barbie has her own hot tub now.

Barbie drives a Ferrari.

Where'd she getmoney for a Ferrari?

Ken don't work.

She's taking GI Joes tothe dream house, man.

That's-- that's a lot of money.

Their toys are so hip, right?

They got computersin kindergarten.

They got video games.

What did we have?

Etch a Sketch.

What are you making, son?


We had dumb toys, didn't we?

Remember Sit 'n Spin?

Remember that?

It was like breakdancingfor dumb kids, wasn't it?

Kids now have sex ed,fourth and fifth grades.

Fourth and fifth grades.Remember when we took it?

It was like 11th grade.

They called it Health.


Projector was alwaysbroken, wasn't it?

It was like, herewe see the embryo.

That's so wild.

They're so hip, yeah.

They got complex toys.

They have TeenageMutant Ninja Turtles.

What did we have?


What does it do?

It rides Pokey.

So you're married,and it's going well?

That's great.

Yeah, I don't knowmuch about women.

Do you know muchabout women still?

Do you?

I don't.

I don't think guys do.

I think we knowwhen they're happy.

We know when they're crying.

We know when they're pissed off.

We have no idea what orderthose are going to come at us.

That's why we don't allow womenin combat, because they'd win.

There'd be guys withguns facing the women.

The women would come out--


We'd go, what is it, baby?

She goes--


We'd be wiped out.

You gotta have rules.

You can't have senselessviolence on the battlefield.

You guys have been terrific.

How are you?

I'm a little tired.

What a day I had last Thursday.

Last Thursday I come home.

There's an ambulanceoutside my house.

They're loading the body in.

So I go up to thecop at the door.

I say, what's going on?

He says, looks like yourwife committed suicide.

I'm thinking, oh, great.

Right before the weekend.

So I go down to the morgueto identify her body.

And you know, I spent halfthe day there, browsing.

And the morgue guy pulls outthe tray, pulls back the sheet.

And I said, yeah, that's her.

All of a sudden hestarts laughing.

I said, what's so funny?

Next thing I know,the lights come on.

She pops up, surprise!

Happy birthday!

I couldn't believe I fellfor that two years in a row.

If you're drinking, becareful driving home.

And I'm notpreaching to anybody,

but I speak from experience.

I got in a car accident.

Three summers ago, I hit a lake.

I thought the roadseemed slick, you know?

I'm thinking, whoa,they've had some rain here.

And I don't carehow good you can BS.

You are not going toslick talk your way out

of an accident of this nature.

State trooper'ssloshing up to my car.

I'm playing it cool.

I've got the windowdown, the radio on.

Some weather, huh?

Last time I buy a foreign car.

I'll tell you,two, three fathoms,

they crap right out on you.

The guy actually says tome, have you been drinking?

I said, how manysober people do you

know who would slaminto lakes, pal?

No, I ran out of gas.

I think with a full tank, Icould have made it across.

Officer Rhetorical.

So he gave me a balloon test,and I twisted it into a poodle.

They love magic, the statepolice, they really do.

You know, they makeyou so nervous.

I mean, I alwaysscrew those tests up.

You know, finger to the nose.

They always ask thequestions, don't they?

Have you been drinkingthis evening, sir?


Let me think.

Like you're going to turn to astate trooper and go, yes, sir,

I am hammered.

Thank god you came along.

I would have driven allthe way home like this.

Say, did I mentionthe pound of heroin

in the glove compartment?

I wouldn't want tolie to you fellas.

Do you have any ideawhy we pulled you over?

Because you sensed Ineeded a bottle opener?

You guys.

You have to keep busy whenyou're driving, don't you?

This coming out in Spanish?

I'm talking to you guys.

You're all sittingthere like-- I feel

like I just did acard trick for dogs.

Pick one.

I have road hobbies.

I don't fall asleep at thewheel, I'll have you know.

Whenever I'm drivinga long distance,

I like to collect them cones.

I think they're free.

Collect them, set themup somewhere else.

Sometimes in the shape of agiant V. Merge, merge, merge.

A circle is fun.

People driving around-- Ithink we've been by here.

Yeah, there's thelaughing man again.

Can you fix your owncar if it breaks, sir?

No?Do you have tools or anything?


I've got, like, a boxof metric hammers.

If it can't befixed with a hammer,

it's broken, in my opinion.

When my car breaksdown on the highway,

I try to act like Iknow what I'm doing.

You know, pop openthe hood and put

on that "guy lookingat an engine" face.

That's a flat tire all right.

My father's a mechanic.

Every time I'm at his house,he's asking me questions.

How's the car running, Ken?

Running good, Dad.

How's it doing on oil?

The light hasn't come on yet.

Figure there's more in there.

Got your car ready for winter?

Oh, you bet.

Put some hot chocolatein the radiator.

Taped up the windows.

I'm all set.

I don't get my carready for winter.

They should be readywhen you buy them.

You know, you guys don'thear this too much,

but everybody goes, it'sgonna be cold tomorrow.

Better get up early,warm that car up.

Not a chance in hell.

I'm not getting out of bed anhour early to warm the car up

when I'm cold.

We'll warm together as we ride.

It's a team thing.

What are you guys do whensomeone's tailgating you?

Yeah, everybody says,slam the brakes on.

Ooh, I taught that guy a lesson.

I'll never walk again,but I made my point.

Slamming on the brakesis too dangerous.

Do like I do.

I carry a stuffeddog in the car.

People get too close, Ijust roll down the window

and toss him out.

[sound of brakes squealing]

Oh, they hang back after that.

He's throwing petsout the window.

Gonna jump out of my carand go, you killed my dog.

And then they give me money.

To buy more dogs.

Now, when they sell youa car on television,

they always give you theseuseless selling points.

They come on yourTV and they go,

the Toyota Supra goes from0 to 65 in 7.9 seconds.


That's useless to us.

What we need is a car that goesfrom 84 to 55 in one second.

Watch the looks on the facesof the state police then.

[decelerating noise]

You guys have been a lot of fun.