Monday, February 24, 2014

  • 02/24/2014

Ali Wong, Tommy Johnagin and Rob Delaney come up with patriotic band names, help sell strange items on Etsy and write a review of a sleepy cable guy.

RIPPED FROM TONIGHT'S INTERNET

HEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

VINE BLEW UP THIS WEEKEND

WITH VIDEOS LIKE THIS ONE OF

MILEY CYRUS KISSING A GIRL AND

KATY PERRY NOT LIKING IT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

BUT KATY PERRY I THOUGHT YOU

KISSED A GIRL THAT ONE TIME AND

YOU TOTALLY LIKED IT.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU GUYS THAT

MISSED THAT, LET'S WATCH THAT

AGAIN IN SLOW MOTION.

>> THE TONGUE IS A GUIDED

MISSILE, STRIKING HER VICTIMS AT

50 FEET A SECOND.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S HOW I SAW IT.

THE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN THESE

TWO MUST HAVE BEEN BUILDING FOR

SOME TIME.

SO WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A

RECENT MILEY TWEET ABOUT KATY

PERRY?

A) HEY, @KATYPERRY, LET'S HAVE A

PARTY IN THE USA, IN MY PANTS.

#BANGERSTOUR.

B) HAD DREAMS ABOUT @KATYPERRY

ALL NIGHT.

DAMN THAT WAS A GOOD TIME.

#CHERRYCHAPSTICK.

THREE HEARTS.

NEED TO SEE YOU MORE OFTEN

SLOOT.

IS THAT CANADIAN SLUT?

SLOOT?

C) WHY DO I FEEL MY LADY PARTS

ROAR EVERY TIME I SEE KATY

PERRY?

#WCW

#FIRETWERK

TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> I THINK IT HAS TO BE C

BECAUSE I LIKE LADY PARTS AS ONE

WORD WITH A Z.

>> Chris: SEE, WE REALLY TRIED

TO GET IN HER HEAD WHEN CRAFTING

THE FAKE TWEET.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

ACTUALLY B.

SLOOT!

LOOK AT THOSE SLOOTS OUT AND

ABOUT!

>> IT COULD BE A REFERENCE TO

HER FAVORITE SERIAL KILLER,

JORAN VAN DER SLOOT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'M SURE THAT IS WHAT

IT IS.

I WILL GIVE YOU 100 POINTS

JUST FOR YOUR MOXIE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GOOD REFERENCE, GOOD REFERENCE.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, hollywoodreporter.com

IS HOLLYWOOD REPORTING THAT THE

DIRECTOR OF "RIDE ALONG" IS

PLANNING TO MAKE A MOVIE BASED

ON DENNIS RODMAN'S

BASKETBALL/ACID TRIP TO NORTH

KOREA.

COMEDIANS FOR 100 POINTS, NAME

THIS MOVIE.

ALI WONG.

>> RUSH HOUR 4.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> THERE IS NO I IN COMMUNISM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

ROB DELANEY.

>> PYONG-DANG.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

IN HONOR OF THE BRAVE AMERICAN

MEN AND WOMEN WHO WITNESSED THE

ATROCITY OF MADISON RISING'S

RENDITION OF THE NATIONAL

ANTHEM.

YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THE END OF

IT, LIKE HE HOLDS UP THE FLAG

AND THEN HUGS IT.

(LAUGHTER)

IS IT LEGAL TO BURN THE FLAG IF

IT CATCHES ON FIRE BECAUSE I AM

TRYING TO (BLEEP) THE STARS OFF

IT?

(LAUGHTER)

I SAY NO!

TONIGHT'S HASH TAG IS

#PATRIOTICBANDS.

#PATRIOTICBANDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE BILL CLINTON

AND THE PARLIAMENT FUNKADELIC OR

CHAKA CONGRESS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> MACKLEMORE FREE AFFORDABLE

HEALTHCARE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

ROB DELANEY.

>> THESE COLORS DON'T RUN-D.M.C.

>> Chris: POINTS, YES OF COURSE.

ALI WONG.

>> AMERICA BADU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB DELANEY.

>> C.I.A-VETT BROTHERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALI.

>> FILIBUSTER RHYMES.

>> Chris: OH, YES.

SO GOOD.

POINTS.

TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> ONE DIRECTION UNDER GOD WITH

LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ROB DELANEY.

>> THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURI-TINA TURNER.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

IT WAS A LONG WAY TO GO, BUT I

GIVE YOU POINTS.

YOU GOT IT.

TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> THE ALLMAN ARE CREATED

EQUAL BROTHER'S BAND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB DELANEY.

>> NAVY SEAL, YOU KNOW, SEAL.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU GUYS ENJOY BUYING USELESS

PRODUCTS THAT ARE MADE BY THE

CRIMINALLY INSANE, THEN ETSY IS

FOR YOU!

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS

STRANGE ITEMS FROM ETSY AND FOR

250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO GIVE

ME A KILLER TAG LINE TO HELP

SELL IT.

ALL RIGHT HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

THIS FELT RABBIT NECKLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, ROB DELANEY.

>> IF YOUR VIRGINITY IS IN

JEOPARDY, JUST THROW THIS ON.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

YES, TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> THAT'S FOR THE WOMAN IN YOUR

LIFE THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE

IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: PLEASE GO AWAY.

TOMMY JOHNAGIN, POINTS.

>> I LOVE THAT IT HAS 1,200

REVIEWS, AND THEY'RE ALL FIVE

STARS, I LOOKED AT THEM.

>> Chris: ARE THEY?

>> I SWEAR TO GOD.

>> Chris: THEY REALLY ARE,

THEY'RE ALL FIVE STARS.

I WONDER WHAT THE--

>> MASS SUICIDE IS GOING TO LOOK

LIKE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE,

TRAVESTY IN A TEACUP.

TRAVESTY IN A TEACUP.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YES, ROB DELANEY.

>> START YOUR DAY OFF RIGHT WITH

A STEM CELL SMOOTHIE, CHUNKY

STYLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I KNOW THE CROWD WAS

WITH YOU AT THE BEGINNING AND

THEN THEY GOT A LITTLE UPSET,

BUT I DO BLAME, I DO BLAME THIS,

I DON'T KNOW, POINTS OR NO

POINTS?

>> POINTS!

>> Chris: YOU GET POINTS.

THE AUDIENCE SAYS POINTS.

STEM CELL SMOOTHIE CHUNKY STYLE.

ALI WONG.

>> HONEY WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE, I

THINK IT IS TIME FOR PLAN B.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, ALI WONG!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I HATE TO DO THIS BUT THAT

LOOKS JUST LIKE MY DAUGHTER.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE IS SO CUTE.

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW IF I'M

SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT OR NOT BUT IT MADE ME LAUGH

SO I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS, TOMMY

JOHNAGIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE, LOOK AT THIS LEATHER

DOLL BABY.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, TOMMY, PLEASE DON'T SAY

THAT LOOKS LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THIS IS A GREAT DOLL TO SIT

OUTSIDE BARBIE'S DREAM HOUSE IN

A WINDOWLESS VAN.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TIME FOR VIDEOBOMBS

CREEPY OR CUTE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, I'M GOING

TO SHOW YOU A VIDEO BOMB CLIP

THAT HAS GONE VIRAL AND FOR

POINTS YOU GUESS WHETHER OR NOT

IT WAS BOMBED BY SOMETHING

CREEPY OR CUTE.

FIRST ONE: THIS BENCH PRESSING

BRO, CREEPY OR CUTE?

TOMMY.

>> CREEPY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> AWW!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT THE (BLEEP) BRO,

I'M TRYING TO BLAST MY PECS AND

YOU DRAGGED YOUR GLUTS ALL

ACROSS THE GYM FLOOR.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, DID YOU SAY CREEPY?

>> I DID.

>> Chris: THAT IS CUTE, MAN,

THAT IS ADORABLE.

>> HE IS TURNED ON, THAT'S LIKE

THE TIME YOU WERE SPOTTING ME AT

THE GYM AND THEN YOU STARTED--

>> Chris: NO, NO, NO WE DON'T

TALK ABOUT THAT HERE, NO, WE

WERE JUST WORKING OUT.

>> GETTING OUR PUMP ON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT THIS

REPORTER?

CREEPY OR CUTE?

ROB.

>> CUTE.

>> Chris: YOU SEEM TENTATIVE,

BUT LET'S FIND OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AND THAT IS THE LEAST

DISGUSTING THING TO HAPPEN ON

HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT ANSWER DID YOU SAY?

>> OH, I SAID CUTE, AND I WAS

RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I AM GOING TO PULL A

RULING ON THIS, I THINK EARLIER

WE DECIDED THAT THAT WAS CREEPY,

BUT ACTUALLY I AM GOING TO GIVE

YOU CUTE.

THAT WAS ADORABLE!

THAT WAS ADORABLE!

>> TO BE FAIR, YOU HAVE TO DO

THAT EVERY TIME YOU WALK OVER

PAMELA ANDERSON'S STAR.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE HAS ONE.

>> Chris: THEY CAN'T HELP IT.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS

REDHEADED SNACKER?

ALI WONG.

>> CREEPY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THE CRAZY PART IS THAT SHE'S

LIKE THIS IS JUST NORMAL.

>> Chris: TOTALLY NORMAL.

>> SHE'S JUST LIKE, "I'M JUST

GETTING SMACKED IN THE FACE BY

MY BAT, YOU KNOW."

>> SHE'S 69-ING A BAT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE BUZZFEED SO MUCH.

HI, KATE AURTHUR.

BUZZFEED IS FULL OF AMAZING

LISTS LIKE 21 THINGS YOU ARE

DOING WRONG IN THE BATHROOM OR

40 OTHER THINGS TO DO WITH A

PIG, AND 89 THINGS I LEARNED AT

THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS,

IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

COME UP WITH A BUZZFEED LIST

THAT ARE MORE RIDICULOUS THAN

THE ONES WE ACTUALLY SHOWED FROM

BUZZFEED, FOR EACH FUNNY LIST

YOU GET 250 POINTS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO.

ROB DELANEY.

>> 15 TOTALLY CHILL PEOPLE

NAMED ADOLF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A FEW.

TOMMY.

>> 21 THINGS YOU ARE DOING WRONG

IN YOUR WIFE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB DELANEY.

>> THREE AND A HALF INCHES THAT

MY DICK IS.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

ALI WONG.

>> 13 MOST SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED

POKÉMON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: FENNEKIN!

POINTS!

ROB DELANEY.

>> 17 SENATORS I COULD IDENTIFY

FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> 21 THINGS MY WIFE IS DOING

WRONG IN ME.

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS.

ALI WONG.

>> 43 TIMES URKEL BECAME STEFAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WERE THERE 43?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

HE BECAME HIM PERMANENTLY AT THE

END.

>> Chris: THAT'S TRUE, POINTS.

TOMMY.

>> TODAY'S TOP TEN POOPS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: TEN POOPS IN A DAY?

>> THAT IS A LOT OF POOPS.

>> Chris: YOU ARE A HEALTHY MAN.

>> THAT'S A LOT?

>> Chris: NO, NO!

(LAUGHTER)

ROB DELANEY.

>> ONE MAN WHO IS NOT MY REAL

DAD, CHRIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU CAN GO TO YOUR

ROOM WITH THAT ATTITUDE.

BUT TAKE THESE POINTS WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

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