Titus, Simmons, Pence, Sierk, DeVito, Crowe, Tatara

  • Season 1, Ep 0104
  • 07/20/2006

Welcome to Live at Gotham

where we actually give youthe real comedy club experience

except for the Volkswagen-sizedcameras

and a packed clubon a Monday night.

Never happens.

I kind of feel a kinshipwith New York.

I actually like New York.

I feel a kinshipbecause August 25, 2001

my wife gave birthto our first child

and then September 11, 2001

I realized how badmy timing sucks.

In the four and a half yearsmy kid has been alive,

all hell has broken looseon this planet,

and I'm not blaming herfor all of it.

I'm hoping it's a coincidence.

Terrorism, war,diseases we can't cure,

tsunamis, hurricanes, France.

It's the endof the world, people.

It's an Armageddon checklist.

Pope John Paul didn't die,he pre-boarded.

It's out of control, man.

And our prioritiesare so screwed up.

We still--four and a half years--

still cannot locateOsama bin Laden,

but we nailed Martha Stewart'sass to the wall.

Man...

The world's worst terrorist

is still dragginghis dialysis machine

through a Pakistani strip mall,

but the doily bitchwon't bother us again.

It is out of...

Prince Charles marriedMick Jagger.

What the hell is going on?

It is just out of control, man.

You know if you have kidsor even if you don't have kids,

you're gonna have to teachyour kids stuff

we never had to learn.

Honey, don't open the mail.It could have anthrax.

Don't talk to the mailman'cause he needs Xanax.

And don't go into any buildingsover four stories high

because some idiotnamed Achmed

might crash a 747 into it.

And she's four.

She's asking me questions now. I don't know what to tell her.

Honey, I don't know. all right?

I don't why Tupac'sbeeh dead eight years,

still putting out better albumsthan Justin Timberlake.

I don't know.

What? Why is there war?

What? You know, a year agoyou were eating your own poop.

What are you talking about,"Why is there...?"

All right, this war right hereis because we proved

that there was weaponsof mass destruc...

Okay, this waris because we proved

that Saddamwas directly connected to 9...

Well, at least the war--it only lasted six mo...

Well, gas better get cheap( bleep ) pretty damn fast.

She's too smart.

I have a smart kid.

You don't want a smart kid.

You know, I'm going to startfeeding her lead paint chips

just to bring her down, man.

Too, too damn...

I knew she was smartwhen she was one, though,

'cause she would not watchreality television.

She would just leave the room

'cause she's smarter than me.

I watch reality television--

Oh, my God! The human dramaunfolding live in front of me

that some producer set up.

She just sees people eatingbugs for money.

And something she got her assbeat for two days earlier.

Reality television is the endof the world, people.

You get it, right?

What, are we devolvinginto lizards?

"That guy ate a bug.He ate a bug."

The Apprentice--

That guy got fired.That guy got fired.It wasn't me got fired.

People wonder why our kidsare getting fat.

Maybe it's because we're sittingon our asses on the couch

at home watching other peopleplay cards on television.

We can't even play cardsourselves.

Yeah, I'd cut the deck,

but I don't want to reachmy target heart rate.

for the troops.

Our English allies are amazing.

The day I'm in Englandperforming,

English security let a man

in a Batman suitclimb Buckingham Palace.

I felt so much safer.

Who the hell was on the gatethat day?

( English accent ):All right, step through,step through, step through.

You with the goatee,I don't like your look.

Empty your pockets,take off your shoes.

Batman, go ahead. You!

I believe your search

is going to be a bit moreintensive.

Hold on. Hello?

What? Course I let him through.

He's a superhero, isn't he?

Well, how do you know it's not the real Batman?

Batman was on the wallof Buckingham Palace

for five hours.

Wouldn't happen in America.

Three minutes, dead Batman.

Da-na-na-na-na...

Because we have guns here.

That's why they couldn't gethis ass off the wall.

All they got is sticksin England.

( English accent ):Batman, please, grab the endof my baton.

We'll pull you in.

Batman, you're making uslook stupid.

But no guns is why they caughttheir terrorists.

Remember the bus terrorists?

They caught those guysin, like, four weeks

because they could putthe pictures of those guys

on television and the wholecountry's looking for 'em.

Can't do that in America.

You put four pictures

of fourMiddle-Eastern-looking cats

on television here

and you tell this countryto find 'em,

you got 4,000 dead Middle-Eastern people the next day.

( hick accent ):Looked just like 'em!

I been buying gas from himfor a while.

So, I've been tempingat the job that laid me off.

And that's awkward 'cause...

everybody knows I got canned

and they think I've come backto shoot them.

'Cause you've seen what thoseoffice shooters look like.

I would never do that though,

'cause I think I'm moreof a strangler.

You need that personal touch.

It's kind of hardto strangle a whole office

'cause word gets around.

I hate it when they came aroundwith the annual review.

It's, like, don't bother mewith that.

I'm trying to look busy.

Can't a man runa fantasy football team

without these interruptions?

"What are your long-term goals?

What are your short-term goals?"

Well, my short-term goalis to not fall asleep

while you're talking to me,

and my long-term goal

is to steal an entire Xeroxmachine piece by piece.

So I'm single.

It's weird 'cause I always knew

I was going to diebroke and alone.

I just didn't know I was goingto live that way, too.

There's a lot to rememberwhen you go on a date.

I always forgetsomething important

like which wine goeswith pepper spray?

I went on a bad datewith a foreign girl.

She was from England.

She complained all night.

"You Americans, you're so lazy.

"I saw a sign for a nightclub.

"You spelled it 'N-I-T-E,'and not 'N-I-G-H-T.'

"How come you're so lazy?

Can't use a proper spelling?"

I said, "Really?

What's up with your teeth?"

Have you seen English teeth?

They look like baked beans.It's disgusting.

You can't talk trashwith a mouth like that.

Those candy corns pointingin all different directions.

Good evening, guv'nor.

Care for a spot of gingivitis?

How can a whole countryhave tooth decay?

Is there a whole countrythat has body odor?

So I went out with thisFrench girl...

That's awkward.

They're not even good at it.

This is what I hear:

( male voice )""Oh, baby, I'm really goingto do it to you.

( female voice ):"Oh, baby, do it to me.

Duh, that's whatI said I was going to do."

Every time I hear them,I'm, like,

"I can't believeI'm taping this."

'Cause I don't talk during sex'cause it's embarrassing

and it might wake her up.

'Cause I know I'm notgoing to say anything sexy

and the face I makewhen I'm saying it

is not going to be very sexy,either.

That's why I always weara ski mask when I make love.

I dated an older woman.

Anyone here date someone, like,40 or 50 years older than them?

I don't know what you've heardabout dating the elderly,

but don't believe the hype.

'Cause it's not allearly bird specials

and discount movie passes.

We could never do itat her place

'cause the bed hadthat railing on it.

I think the worst part wasevery time I slapped her ass

the lights would come on.

I don't have great luck.

This is what my luck is like:

I was eating Chinese foodwith my friends

and we're doing that thing

where you readyour fortune out loud.

and at the end you say"in bed."

That makes a little dirty joke.

But they havethese great fortunes.

"You're an extraordinary man..."

in bed.

"Many happy seasonsawait you..."

in bed.

My fortune said, "You willalways have your family's love."

You guys have been great.

Trying to bring us upto a new level, man.

Comics are making funof Asian people.

It's not right.They know I'm going on the show.

What's up with that?

We're the only minoritythat gets made fun of

while we're still in the room.

No one hesitates.No one looks first.

Asian guys smell like fish, man.

I was at this store thing--no offense, buddy--

anyway, the Asian guy...

What? No one tries thatwith black people.

Anyone makes a black joke--Shhh!

There's a black guy right there.

He's gonna beat us up or start

a march or something.

Shut the hell up.

I go to comedy showsevery night, man.

I'm standing in the back.

Some comedianmakes an Asian joke,

and what do you guys do?

Turn and laughright in my face.

Ha-ha-hahahahaha.

I bet you do got a small penis.

Hahahahaha.

No wonder you can't drive.

What?

That's not right, people.I'm sexy.

Got the highlights touched up.

You like the highlights?

They came with the Honda Civic.

There's your one Asian joke.

You happy, racist people?

It's good to be herein New York City.

This is my favorite city.

It's a good placeto meet the ladies, guys.

Trust me, okay,it's the best place.

If you ride the subwayin New York

long enough,eventually a hot chick

will sit next to you, okay.

Trust me, I'm Asian.I did the calculations.

Trust me.

I'm always riding, you know,hoping a hot chick

will sit next to me and maybeshe'll want to hook up.

but I always getsome old lady that--

Why is it old peoplehave no one to talk to?

They just want to come on,"Hey, how's it going?

"My God, you're really cute.

"You have really niceskin and teeth.

"You have a crazy haircut.

You want some pie?"La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

... you, Grandma,I don't got time for this.

Are we gonna ( bleep ) or what?

So we did. On the train.

who was 5'11".

She wanted to have sexstanding up in the shower.

I rocked that ( bleep ).

She almost got me

a couple of times,but I rocked that ( bleep ).

I did.

You know, guys,

I hate when girls complainabout not getting theirs in bed.

You ever hear that?Right? That complaint?

"Oh, my God, you got yours.I didn't even get mine."

"Let me get on topso I can get mine.

You got yours last time.I didn't even get mine."

What are you talking about,not getting yours?

How about earlier that night

when you ate and drankfor free, you got yours?

Can I get free seconds?Thank you.

Some girls did notlike that at all-- "Screw you."

I like how you startedclapping--

Like, "Oh, that's right. No."

I don't know, man.

Don't go to bars to meet ladies.That's the worst place.

I went to a bar, I gota fake phone number from a girl.

Any of you guys ever gone out,

and got that fakephone number from a girl?

Any of you girls ever given outthe fake phone number?

( women whooping )

Whores, right there.

There you go.

Oh, hahahah.

It's funny.What the hell is that?

You don't understand. The guywaits all night to talk to you.

Finally comes over,gets the phone number,

waits three daysjust to call up...

( imitates phone tone )

Son of a bitch.

Did I just wait three daysto call a fake phone number?

Are you serious?

But, yo, guys, don't worry.I figured it out.

If you ever get a wrong phonenumber, it's only one digit off.

'Cause girls can't come up

with a whole new phone numberon the spot.

Say what? Oh, my God.

That's it. Oh, my God.

They just changethe last digit. 996...

Hey, there you go.Hope I never see you again. Bye.

So next time that happens,

figure out the last digitand call her up.

Hey, I found you.

I love you.Look out your window.

You know, guys...

You're gonna use that, too.

You're like,"Yeah, that's a good one."

You know, guys,how I know all about...

all this stuff about women?

It's 'causeI have a girl roommate.

It's pretty coolliving with a girl

that you're not tryingto hook up with.

You get all this insideinformation, like,

"Hey, what do girls like?What do girls want?"

"What can I doto impress this girl?"

The only problem isshe just talks

about herself on and on and on.

Have you ever hada conversation with a girl

and they wind themselves intoanother topic and another topic

and another-- you didn't askabout any of that?

Like I saw herfor one simple thing--

"Hey, you want to getsomething to eat?"

She's like, "Yeah, let's goto 101 Cafe.

"Last time I was thereI saw your fan Tony.

"He's a cool skateboarder.Does he snowboard?

"'Cause I was snowboardingwith your cousin

last winter and I thoughtlet's be naked for Halloween."

I'm like, "Huh, uh, uh, uh..."

Then she stopsand wants me to say something.

"What do you think?"

What am I supposed to say?

I feel like I gotto cover 20 topics

in, like, one quick sentence.

So I'm like, "I didn't knowyour dad was an electrician.

"You're allergicto peanut butter?

"You made a kite of your pantsin the third grade?

"That's crazy. You can'tget herpes like that.

"That girl is a bitch.I don't know why

that guy didn't call you back."

Thank you so much.

Ah, so, I have a questionfor everybody.

Um... did you ever getinsulted by someone

and then they tryand make it look

like they're complimenting you?

This girl I work with,she's like,

"You know what's so awesomeabout you, Marianne?

You just don't carewhat you look like."

Thank you?

Thanks.

Then this guy I work with,he did the same thing to me.

He's like,"See, that's the problem

"with all you pretty,thin bimbos.

"You've no common sense.

You're so stupid."

And I was like,"Just a minute here.

You think I'm thin?"

I think I love you.

I don't have a boyfriend.

I'm not married. Nothing.

Uh, my sister's married,and she just had a baby.

And she's one of those people,

she always tries to talkto me through the baby.

You know, she'll saywhat she really wants

in a baby voice, you know?

She'll be like,"Oh, say, it's Marianne.

You better wash your handsbefore you hold me."

Uh-oh, baby's talking.

See...Say, "Where's your boyfriend?

"You don't have one.

What a loser..."

Say, "We love Auntie Marianne...when she's sober."

Yeah, well, not this year.

We've been going nutswith the new baby.

We take pictures all the time.

And we have a digital camera.

A lot of people have newdigital newfangled cameras.

And I've realizeddigital cameras have sort of

like taken the funout of an event, you know.

From now on,every time you take a picture...

everybody goes,"Let me see it!

"Come on. I want to see it!

"Turn around. I want to see it!

"I want to seewhat we all look like.

Okay, we're doing it again."

We're doing it again, okay?

Is that cool?We're gonna do it again, yeah.

Now it's a photo shoot.

It's like...

( imitates shutter clicking repeatedly )

The beauty's not evenin that picture.

"I don't care."

And if you look good,the whole picture's good, right?

"This is a good pictureof all of us.

It really is."

What do you mean?

She's blinking. She's sneezing.

Your boyfriend's making outwith your sister.

"I never noticed that.

But doesn't my hair look good?"

in pictures, too?

I hate bunny ears in photos.

If ever there was a signof "I'm not funny,"

it would be a bunny ear,you know?

And I always wonder, like,back in the day

when it was made upby some guy in the '70s

with Speedos on,and had a German accent--

I imagine he created it--did it ever trick anybody?

Like, "Hey, check outthis picture of my sister.

I think you'd really like her."

"What the hell, you didn'ttell me she was a rabbit!"

"Whoa.

No, no, no, no, I want to datea hot chick, not a bunny!"

"No, see?

I just did this with my hand."

"What are you, a wizard?"

( laughter )

Yeah, I am.

Whee!

I'm very dramatic.I think everyone's dramatic.

Don't you think peoplein your lives are always trying

to create drama, right?

Like, for example, I sawthis sign in the street, right?

It said "Lost cat. Lost Fluffy.

Please callwith any information."

And that's cool,but on the bottom it said

"No questions asked."

I was, like, why, is the catinvolved in some drug ring?

So this is what I would doif I found this kitten.

I would take herand I would shave her,

and I would dye her purple,

and I'd putlittle leather pants on her,

and I'd teach her how to talksomehow-- I don't know how--

and I'd bring her back,

and I'd be, like,"Here's Fluffy,"

and they'd be, like,"What happened?! How'd..."

"Oh, ba-da-da-da-da-da."

( crowd whooping, cheering )

Sorry.

Sweet little flyer here said"No questions asked."

That's too bad,

'cause it is some story.

I'm not talkin'.

Well, Fluffy's, like,"She got me off... ( muffled )

So, uh,I don't go on dates much.

Mostly becauseyou always go to movies,

you always haveto order popcorn.

Did you ever noticeyou can't eat popcorn

without looking starving?

You know?You can't just, like,

sexy eat it,you always have to be,

like... Aaahh!

( laughter )

( deep grunt ):Aaahh!

No, I'm not hungry.Why do you ask?

( grunts ):Aaahh!

( exhales, chuckles )

Something in itthat falls on you,

you have no problem

picking it up off yourself...

and continuing.

I've been known to reachbetween my legs

for a kernel.

It's all good.

Are you gonna eat that?

( chuckles ):Thank you.

Where are you going?

( laughter, applause )

But I love you.

That's my time, everyone.Thank you so much.

but apparently,a police officer was attacked

by a gang of Chihuahuas.

I don't know if you guys

read about that?

Apparently, a gang of Chih...

like, five Chihuahuasgot out of a house

and attacked a cop,and he had to go

to the hospital for ankle bites.

That's a true story.That's true.

How did that happen?

You're a cop.

You got a gun.

They're Chihuahuas.

I love dogs. I love dogs.

But if, like, a herd of rabidChihuahuas was coming at me,

I'm kicking Chihuahua ( bleep ).

( thudding, yelping )

( imitates gunshots )

( imitates gunshot )

( laughter )

( imitates gunshot )

I'm kickin'

Chihuahua ( bleep ).

'Cause that's how I roll.That's how I roll.

It would bekind of weird, though,

when your partner shows up:"Hey, I heard gunshots.

What happened?What did you do?!"

They were attacking me.

"These were att...

That was attacking you? That?"

Like, "Yeah.

"Look at my ankles.

These socks are ruined."

( laughter )

I like dogs, though, I do.

Dogs are such smart animals.They're so intelligent.

'Cause they mark

their territory with urine.

They pee on it,they think it's theirs.

That's so smart.

Imagine if people did that.

The homeless would owneverything.

( laughter )

And you wake upand you're peeing?

That's, like,the most comfortable sleep

you'll ever have.

You're just laying in bed,like...

No!

Which is okay if you're single--

you just peel the boxersand roll over, not a problem.

I'm married.

So I, you know,peed on the wife.

( laughter )

You don't want to tell your wifeyou peed on her, so...

Hey, wake up!

It's hot in here.

( laughter )

You're sweatin'.

I'm gonna sleep on the couch.

That's horrible. I'm through.

I have a loud sex neighbor.

I have a loud sex neighborin the apartment.

It's not the noise

of the loud sex that bothers me.

I can dealwith the loud sex noise.

It's the durationI have a problem with.

It's the hour and a half,

eight nights a week,that I can't stand.

'Cause I'm just laying therein bed with my wife

after, like, 45 minutesof the sex-a-thon,

just going...( nervous chuckling )

Sorry.

I can't do that.

That's a... a really long time.

He's gonna cramp upif he doesn't take a break.

I mean...

You can get an aneurysmfrom that kind of strain.

Not healthy. It's not healthy.

So any man stallionsin the house tonight,

do us other guys a favor,with the thin walls.

Don't raise the bar so high.

We know you'rea superstar, sir.

We know you're a superstar.

But you're making the teamlook bad.

Making the team look bad.

I think my favorite partof sports is streakers.

That's when it getsthe most exciting

when that naked guy runson the field

and the cop chases after him.

Everyone watches that.

And they always tackle him.

After like five minutes, the copalways tackles the streaker.

That's how they stop streakers,they tackle.

I think the best wayto stop a streaker is,

when the guy starts to streak,

get all the security guardsaround, block all the exits,

and just let him run it out.

Until shame sets in.

He'll be streaking like,"Yeah, whoo!

All right!"

Until shame sets in.

But if you do streakwith a boner,

streak with a boner,

because no one tacklesa naked guy with a boner.

Never. Never.

It's true.

But if you do streakwith a boner, don't trip,

'cause that would freakin' kill.

It would freakin' kill.

I was watching a documentaryon giraffes.

On giraffes-- I watcheda giraffe give birth

on the documentary.

It was amazing, it was veryenlightening, because I realized

watching a giraffe give birth,that's the difference

between man and animal.

Because people,we're all facial expressions.

We tell you the whole storyright here.

Animals? Nothing.

No-- this giraffe droppedanother giraffe out of it.

Nothing.

It was just standing therein a field, just...

Nothing.

And then, the newborn babygiraffe falls like eight feet

out of the new mom.

Nothing!

Nothing.

If I gave birth to a giraffe,I'd be like...

"Oh, my God!

"Why did I have sexwith that giraffe?

He told mehe was wearing a condom."

That's a lie;I'm making that up.

Giraffes don't talk.

I'm going to do a littleimpression for you guys.

I don't do a lot of impressions,but this one,

this one's uncanny;this is an uncanny impression.

This is me waking up in prison.

No!

Hey, you guys have beenan awesome crowd.

Sexy.

Schwag-ga-da-bam. All right.

Hi. My name's Dave Crowe.

( silence )

That's what I'm used to hearingwhen I say that... nothing.

All right.

I was actually namedafter the guy in the Bible

who beat up Goliath.

So a bit of an ass-kicker.Come on, ladies.

That's what I thoughttill I read the story.

Have you read it?

He doesn't kick his ass.He throws a rock at him.

( girlish scream )

So... I'm named after a cheater.

Hit him in the head,didn't he?

Probably back of the headfor all we know.

"You want a piece of me,you little weasel?

Let me take offthis robe..."

( laughing )

I think the lessonof the Bible is

if you're a wimp you haveto outthink your opponent.

That's what they're teaching.

Nerds don't have to lose.You just have to be smarter.

Dave's the biblicalBill Gates is what he is.

I'll rule the world from here.

Keep the change, muscle guy.

ALT-CONTROL ( bleep ) you.

People think Bill's a nerd

'cause he works in computers.

But every industry has nerds.

Here's how you find them.

Ask someone what they dofor a living

and if you don't understandthe answer... nerd.

'Cause nerds can'tsimplify anything, they can't.

I grew up in Seattlearound Boeing employees.

Never met onewho built an airplane.

It was always,"Well, I'm a project manager

for the manifold hydrauliccomplex, the PPH-5000,

"C-93 cortex

"of the 737 landing modulationsystem.

"We're doing these computer18 IV tech apps right now.

"We're going to be field testingnext summer.

It's going to be exciting."

See, you really need an engineerwho answers a "What do you do?"

with "I put the wings on.I do.

"They send me a tube,I stick wings on the side.

That's the fly part."

This is a pretty easy job,actually; it is.

Although I think the easiestjob on the planet

is the deejay at a classicalmusic station.

It's a sweet gig.

"Here's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

I'll be back in an hourand a half."

we're addicted to petroleum.

No one has any solutions, right?

What are we supposedto do about it?

There's no Gasoholics Anonymousmeeting

I've ever heard of.

Big house with a bunch of SUVsparked out front.

Everybody standing up...

"Hi. I'm an American.I'm a gasoholic.

"Yeah, I do feel better.Thanks for being here.

"How'd it start?I don't know.

"I guess it started a long timeago when I began burning wood.

"For heat, really, you know.

"It was natural.You could grow it yourself.

"But I didn't realizeit was a gateway fuel

"to the harder stuff.

"Then I got a hold of coal.

"The coal was likewood concentrate, right?

"Yeah, you couldn'tgrow it yourself.

"You had to buy itfrom a dealer.

"But once you usedyour coal rock,

"you weren't going backto wood. Whoo!

"That stuff was amazing!

"Man, then I got a holdof oil

"which was like liquid coal,

"which I would freebasewith a refinery

"into this golden serumcalled gasoline.

"That stuff was amazing.

"I'd just use a little bitevery day

"to pick me up, get me goingwhere I needed to go.

"You know how it starts:I can handle it. Uh-uh.

"Before I knew it,I had a dealer in every town

"who would hook me upwhen I ran out.

"Seriously.Then one day I woke up

"and my dealerhad become president.

"No way!

Yeah!"

"Then... then we startedgetting the good stuff.

"I mean, not the domestic crap,but that good foreign stuff

"like the Amazonian gold,that Saudi light sweet.

"That was my favorite. Whoo-hoo!

"And we were pipelining itfrom here to there.

"We had shipments coming in.

"If we spilled it,we didn't care.

"Just like mop it upwith a diaper.

"There's more coming.

"I was kicking a 20-gallon-

"a-day habitand before I knew it...

"Then they triedto cut off my supply.

"I frickin' snapped.

"I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, man.

"Step away from my stuff,

"or you can say helloto my little friend.

That's my stuff,you cockroach

That's when I realizedI might have a problem.

( laughter )

So they got me on a ten percentethanol program right now.

Yeah, within a year,I should be clean and solar.

( laughter )

and the ironic thing is,everybody in my family

that's pro warwas against me going, all right?

They're, like, "Tom,you have a nine-month-old son.

Why the hell would you goto Iraq?"

Like, I just want to get onegood night's sleep this year,

is what I'm looking for.

( laughter )

Yeah. Sure,there's bombs going off,

but I don't defeat anybody at3:00 in the morning, you know?

My son's the coolest.

We named him Owen, 'causethat's what we figured

we'd be doingfor the rest of our lives.

( laughter and applause )

Yeah. There's some parents,obviously.

It's weird, man.

One thing I've learnedin the year of being a parent

is that it's a lot easier to bea parent when you're not one.

'Cause it's easy as hell

looking at how somebody else'skid is acting.

And be, like, "Our kid willnever do that in public."

Yeah. Good luck with that.

( laughter )

We're already going backon things

we said we wouldn't doimmediately.

We're, like,"We're not using a pacifier."

And, like, three days in,we're, like,

"Please put this little thingin your mouth. Quit crying."

Why is he so unhappy?

'Cause my son,for the first six weeks,

if he wasn't on my wife's titty,he was crying, all right?

Which I understand.

I'm just saying, you know...

( laughter )I don't know what to think.

I'm, like,"Why doesn't he like us?"

And then I broke it down.

Here's whyhe probably didn't like us.

'Cause before he met meand my wife,

his whole existence was spentinside of her

in total protection.

He's in, like, a seaof amniotic fluid.

He's got an IV that feeds himand takes away all of his waste.

And then out of nowhere,he's crushed violently

through a tiny hole so intensely

that his skull is reshapedinto a cone.

They yank him out by the head,

disconnect his lifelineto the world,

and then shove himon my wife's chest.

He's all confusedand covered in gook.

They're wiping him down.They take him away from her.

They walk him under a littleFrench fry heat lamp.

( laughter )

And they shove a thermometerin his ass.

Welcome to the world,little boy.

Okay, and thenthey prick his heel for blood,

and they squirt a bunchof gook in his eye,

and then they take him naked

and put him on a cold, metalscale that makes him cry,

all while the Grandmapaparazzpaparazzisis, like,

Pop, pop, pop, pop,pop, pop, pop...

"Look how cute he is."

And then they're justgetting started, right?

They take him away from there.

They give him a shotthat makes him cry.

They give him a baththat makes him cry.

They stick himin these strange clothes

he's never even conceived ofbefore.

Then they hand him to melike I'm gonna fix it.

I don't know what I'm doing.

He finally getsa little bit of sleep,

and they wake him up earlythe next morning,

chop off part of his ( bleep ).

( laughter and applause )

Yeah. Like, "Why don't you loveand trust us, little man?

We're here for you."

Yeah. And that circumcisionis a tough choice to make, man.

Some of you have made it, right?

Some of you will make it.

It's tough.There's no real reason to do it.

I did the research.

The only reason we do it is'cause of religion dogma

in our country.

That and peer pressure.

Everybody, even my doctor was,like, "You need to do that, Tom.

"You don't want himto look different than you.

That'll be traumatic."

So I did it, and now I realize,you know what?

I don't knowwhat my dad looks like.

How traumatic would that beif I did, you know?

Is there ever gonna be a daywhere I'm, like,

"Put it right herenext to Daddy's, boy?

"Now you seehow they're the same?

( laughter )

That's 'cause your daddy shaves,just for you."

( laughter )

( Simmons mumbles )

Everywhere you go,you're working for 'em now.

You're checking yourselfin the airport.

You're checking yourself outat the grocery store.

And they're all, like,

"Sir, we do thatso you can save money

"almost throughoutthe entire store.

This whole system is set upto benefit you."

Benefit me? Used to goto the grocery store,

they would ring it up and bag itand take it out to the car.

Now I go to the grocery store,I'm ringing it up,

I'm bagging it, and I'm takingit out to the car.

Five years from now, I show up.

Hey, it's my turnto mop the damn store for them.

If they can save a few pennies,I'm down aisle five.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

"Tom, what are you doing?"

"I'm saving 53 centson Pop Tarts is what I'm doing."

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