Joe DeVito talks about dating elderly women, and Christopher Titus runs through his Armageddon checklist.
Welcome to Live at Gotham
where we actually give youthe real comedy club experience
except for the Volkswagen-sizedcameras
and a packed clubon a Monday night.
I kind of feel a kinshipwith New York.
I actually like New York.
I feel a kinshipbecause August 25, 2001
my wife gave birthto our first child
and then September 11, 2001
I realized how badmy timing sucks.
In the four and a half yearsmy kid has been alive,
all hell has broken looseon this planet,
and I'm not blaming herfor all of it.
I'm hoping it's a coincidence.
Terrorism, war,diseases we can't cure,
tsunamis, hurricanes, France.
It's the endof the world, people.
It's an Armageddon checklist.
Pope John Paul didn't die,he pre-boarded.
It's out of control, man.
And our prioritiesare so screwed up.
We still--four and a half years--
still cannot locateOsama bin Laden,
but we nailed Martha Stewart'sass to the wall.
The world's worst terrorist
is still dragginghis dialysis machine
through a Pakistani strip mall,
but the doily bitchwon't bother us again.
It is out of...
Prince Charles marriedMick Jagger.
What the hell is going on?
It is just out of control, man.
You know if you have kidsor even if you don't have kids,
you're gonna have to teachyour kids stuff
we never had to learn.
Honey, don't open the mail.It could have anthrax.
Don't talk to the mailman'cause he needs Xanax.
And don't go into any buildingsover four stories high
because some idiotnamed Achmed
might crash a 747 into it.
And she's four.
She's asking me questions now. I don't know what to tell her.
Honey, I don't know. all right?
I don't why Tupac'sbeeh dead eight years,
still putting out better albumsthan Justin Timberlake.
I don't know.
What? Why is there war?
What? You know, a year agoyou were eating your own poop.
What are you talking about,"Why is there...?"
All right, this war right hereis because we proved
that there was weaponsof mass destruc...
Okay, this waris because we proved
that Saddamwas directly connected to 9...
Well, at least the war--it only lasted six mo...
Well, gas better get cheap( bleep ) pretty damn fast.
She's too smart.
I have a smart kid.
You don't want a smart kid.
You know, I'm going to startfeeding her lead paint chips
just to bring her down, man.
Too, too damn...
I knew she was smartwhen she was one, though,
'cause she would not watchreality television.
She would just leave the room
'cause she's smarter than me.
I watch reality television--
Oh, my God! The human dramaunfolding live in front of me
that some producer set up.
She just sees people eatingbugs for money.
And something she got her assbeat for two days earlier.
Reality television is the endof the world, people.
You get it, right?
What, are we devolvinginto lizards?
"That guy ate a bug.He ate a bug."
That guy got fired.That guy got fired.It wasn't me got fired.
People wonder why our kidsare getting fat.
Maybe it's because we're sittingon our asses on the couch
at home watching other peopleplay cards on television.
We can't even play cardsourselves.
Yeah, I'd cut the deck,
but I don't want to reachmy target heart rate.
for the troops.
Our English allies are amazing.
The day I'm in Englandperforming,
English security let a man
in a Batman suitclimb Buckingham Palace.
I felt so much safer.
Who the hell was on the gatethat day?
( English accent ):All right, step through,step through, step through.
You with the goatee,I don't like your look.
Empty your pockets,take off your shoes.
Batman, go ahead. You!
I believe your search
is going to be a bit moreintensive.
Hold on. Hello?
What? Course I let him through.
He's a superhero, isn't he?
Well, how do you know it's not the real Batman?
Batman was on the wallof Buckingham Palace
for five hours.
Wouldn't happen in America.
Three minutes, dead Batman.
Because we have guns here.
That's why they couldn't gethis ass off the wall.
All they got is sticksin England.
( English accent ):Batman, please, grab the endof my baton.
We'll pull you in.
Batman, you're making uslook stupid.
But no guns is why they caughttheir terrorists.
Remember the bus terrorists?
They caught those guysin, like, four weeks
because they could putthe pictures of those guys
on television and the wholecountry's looking for 'em.
Can't do that in America.
You put four pictures
of fourMiddle-Eastern-looking cats
on television here
and you tell this countryto find 'em,
you got 4,000 dead Middle-Eastern people the next day.
( hick accent ):Looked just like 'em!
I been buying gas from himfor a while.