Mike Recine dreams about his ultimate comedy goal, explains why his girlfriend isn't suited for her job and reveals how his brother outsmarted the Special Olympics.
You know whatI noticed a couple days ago?
There's a lot of songson the radio about, like,
catching somebodywho cheated on you.
But you don't hear any songsabout, like,
thinking thatyou caught somebody
and then confronting them
and you're wrong,and they didn't.
And now you have to, like,listen to her explanation
of where she was,
and it makes sense, you know?
Your ever hear that WhitneyHouston song, she's like,
"Friday night, you and your boyswent out to eat.
"But only two of you had dinner.
I foundyour credit card receipt."
What if the guy from that songis like,
"That's 'cause we splitthe bill three ways,
"and then Tommy... gave me cash.
"I used my credit card forthe two of us.
"Okay, you psychopath?
"I thought you were gonna stop
digging through my garbage."
She's like,"Whoops. I'm sorry.
I'll just go to bed."
I just hope in the future,there's no racism
and the only groupthat we hate are robots.
'Cause they're gonna betaking all the jobs, you know?
I'll be some angry old man.I'll be like,
"You know, these things--they come to this country,
"and they take all the workfrom Americans
"like me and Eduardo and Juan...
I'm like, "Do you know how longWang has been out of work?
'Cause some bolt-buckettook his job."
My daughter's like, "Dad,you shouldn't say bolt-bucket."
I'm like, "Kaitlin, they calleach other bolt-buckets.
"What are you talking about?
"Don't you listento their music?
"Like, I'll tell you what--
"you ever bring homea bolt-bucket,
"I'm gonna disown you.You understand me?
"I hate these robots.
Having sex with our women."
I've had every job, though,before comedy.