CC Presents: Jeff Cesario

  • 03/24/2005

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET CRACKING?

HERE'S THE DEAL.

YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE FOR THEM

TO DESIGN AN ELECTRIC CAR THAT

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A GAY

SPACESHIP?

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

[LAUGHTER]

SURE, IT GETS 60 MILES TO THE

GALLON.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A FREAKIN'

ELF SHOE BROKE OFF A ROSE BOWL

FLOAT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

[LAUGHTER]

GIVE ME A BIG OLD CAR THAT GETS

GOOD GAS MILEAGE.

I KNOW THAT'S A CONTRADICTION.

BUT THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON

CONTRADICTION, FOR PETE'S SAKE.

CAN BUY A GUN AT WAL-MART.

BUT YOUR 4th OF JULY SPARKLERS,

THOSE YOU GOTTA SMUGGLE ACROSS

THE STATE LINE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE JUST SPENT 27 MILLION TAX

DOLLARS ON A STUDY TRYING TO

FIGURE OUT WHY LABORATORY

RAT'S EYES ARE RED.

I'M JUST A COMIC BUT MAYBE

IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE STAYING UP

NIGHTS WORRIED ABOUT WHETHER

THEY GOT CANCER OR NOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TAKE THE LITTLE CIGARETTE

OUT OF THEIR LIPS.

LET THEM GET SOME SHUTEYE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ALTHOUGH YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING

ABOUT IT.

I THINK I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING

THAT WILL HELP IN THE FIGHT

AGAINST CANCER.

I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT

WILL PREVENT CANCER.

BEING A DICK PREVENTS CANCER.

NOT ONE DICK I HAVE EVER KNOWN

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS EVER

GOTTEN CANCER.

RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

NICE PEOPLE GET CANCER.

LANCE ARMSTRONG GETS CANCER.

BUT YOUR BOSS COULD WALK THROUGH

CHERNOBYL NAKED...

NOTHING.

HE'S AT WORK MONDAY MORNING.

"HEY, THAT PHONE'S NOT FOR

PERSONAL CALLS."

DICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DEMOCRACY IN THE WORLD.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO

ACTUALLY WIN THE ELECTION

TO BECOME PRESIDENT BUT DON'T

NIT PICK THIS TO DEATH,

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUSH-- NOT TOO BAD WHEN HIS

HEAD'S STRAIGHT.

WHEN HIS HEAD TILTS...

THAT'S TROUBLE, BABY.

CAN SEE THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE

LIKE, "MAN, I HOPE THAT ONE

MARBLE I GOT ROLLS INTO THE

RIGHT HOLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AAH, HE JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED.

WE ALL JUST WANT TO BE LOVED.

AND SOME OF US ARE WILLING

TO JOIN A HATE GROUP TO GET IT.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM SO EXCITED, MAN.

I JUST GOT MY NOTICE IN THE MAIL

LAST WEEK.

THIS IS TICKLING ME PINK.

MAN, I AM SCHEDULED TO MARRY

J.LO DECEMBER 2009.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW COOL IS THAT?

APPARENTLY WE'RE ALL GETTING

A SHOT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE HAVE

GOING ON DOWN IN HER PANTIES

THAT'S SO SPECIAL FOR PETE'S

SAKE?

GUY'S LEAVING THEIR WIVES,

THEIR FAMILIES, THEIR JOBS.

WHAT, DOES SHE GOT A WET BAR

DOWN THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

[LAUGHTER]

THEY SAY IT'S HER BUTT 'CAUSE

SHE GOT A BIG BUTT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'M FROM WISCONSIN, IF YOU THINK

JENNIFER LOPEZ HAS A BIG BUTT,

YOU HAVE NEVER FREAKIN' BEEN TO

WISCONSIN, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A BIG BUTT

FOR A THIRD GRADER IN WISCONSIN.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SHE GOT A LITTLE STARTER KIT

BUTT.

BRING THAT BUTT IN, YOU GO ON

THE BBC DIET, BEER, BACON AND

CHEESE.

AFTER ABOUT EIGHT YEARS NOW

YOU GOT A WISCONSIN BUTT.

THAT WHEN IT'S WALKING AWAY

FROM YOU LOOKS LIKE TWO HOGS

FIGHTING OVER A HERSHEY'S KISS.

THAT'S...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A WISCONSIN BUTT.

I OUGHT TO KNOW.

I GOT ONE, MAN.

I GOT THE CLASSIC ITALIAN MALE

BODY.

I GOT THE ASS OF A 270-POUND MAN

AND THE CHEST OF A SMALL

ROMANIAN GYMNAST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT KIND OF PRACTICAL JOKE

IS THAT?

I CAN'T STOP EATING.

ALL I'M DOING IS EATING MEXICAN

FOOD.

THAT'S THE GOOD THING.

L.A. GOOD THING, MEXICAN FOOD,

BAD THING, GANGS.

SO MANY GANG'S.

THEIR GANGS-- THE TOUGHEST THING

IS THEY ALL GOT THEIR OWN HAND

SIGNS, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S THE ONLY CITY YOU COULD GET

ACCIDENTALLY SHOT FOR POINTING

WITH THE WRONG FINGERS.

IT'S-- "WHICH WAY'S THE BEACH?"

"THE BEACH IS-- THAT WAY."

"UHH NUTS."

BLLBPTH.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE LATIN MUSIC, TOO.

MAN, LATIN MUSIC IS MY FAVORITE.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LATIN MUSIC IS COOL.

'CAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT THE HEAD

OR THE HEART.

IT'S RIGHT HERE, MAN.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SEX.

[LAUGHTER]

[HUMMING LATIN MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

[LATIN ACCENT] GET YOUR LITTLE

SEX ENGINE GOING, BABY, MMN.

AM I RIGHT?

LATIN WOMEN WILL START MOVING

30 SECONDS BEFORE THERE'S MUSIC.

IT'S LIKE A CAT BEFORE AN

EARTHQUAKE, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

"HANG ON, THERE'S MUSIC COMING.

I KNOW THERE IS.

WAIT A SECOND.

THERE IT IS-- POW!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Jeff Cesario: MAN, I LOVE

WATCHING SPORTS ON TV.

THAT IS LIKE MY FAVORITE.

I LOVE BOXING.

BOXING FANS HERE?

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I DON'T LIKE THE VEGAS

FIGHTS.

THEY'RE TOO SHOWBIZ.

I LIKE THE REAL FIGHTS.

LIKE CHANNEL 291, 3:30 AM

AND IT'S LIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST SOME GUYS BEATING THE TAR

OUT OF EACH OTHER.

I LOVE THOSE.

'CAUSE YOU CAN TELL THEY HAVE

SOMETHING AT STAKE.

THEY HAVE LIKE RENT DUE

TOMORROW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, I LOVE THAT.

PLUS THEY FARM OUT THE OLD

GEEZER ANNOUNCERS TO THOSE

FIGHTS.

LIKE THE 90 YEAR OLD SPORTS

ANNOUNCERS.

I LOVE THOSE GUYS.

I HATE THE NEW COOKIE CUTTER

SPORTS ANNOUNCERS.

I LOVE THEM OLD GEEZERS,

'CAUSE THEY GOT THE BEST PHRASES

FROM THE '30s AND '40s.

I'M WATCHING THIS FIGHT.

THIS ONE DUDE HITS THIS

OTHER DUDE, JUST LEVELS HIM.

THIS 90 YEAR-OLD GEEZER

ANNOUNCER GOES, "OH BROTHER,

HE KNOCKED HIM ONTO QUEER

STREET."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COOL IS THAT?

YOU KNOW BACK IN THE '40s

THAT JUST MEANT YOU HIT A DUDE

REALLY HARD.

BUT THERE'S BEEN A SIGNIFICANT

CHANGE IN THE MEANING OF THE

WORD QUEER.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH I BELIEVE IMPROVES THE

PHRASE IMMENSELY.

"HE KNOCKED HIM ONTO QUEER

STREET.

HE HIT HIM SO HARD HE DOESN'T

WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO WOMEN

ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A HARD SHOT, MAN.

CHANGE YOUR SEXUALITY?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU'RE IN THE RING, "I THINK

IF I CAN JUST GET THROUGH

ANOTHER COUPLE OF ROUND MAYBE

I COULD-- PLLBTHH-- OW AH, AH...

[LISP] OH, THAT STUNG.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SON OF A-- YOU KNOCKED ME

ONTO QUEER STREET.

NO STOP IT.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT.

STOP IT.

I'M FIGHTING ANYMORE.

THIS IS STUPID.

LOOK AT US IN THE STUPID SHORTS

WITH VERTICAL STRIPES.

WHAT IS THAT?

YOU'RE A DICK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.

THIS IS STUPID.

STOP IT.

I'M NOT FIGHTING.

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO FIGURE SKATE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I FEEL BAD FOR MALE FIGURE

SKATERS.

I'M FROM WISCONSIN.

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO SKATE,

LET ALONE FIGURE SKATE.

MAN, THEY GOTTA BE INCREDIBLE

ATHLETES.

I FEEL BAD FOR 'EM 'CAUSE

THEN THEY GO TO THE OLYMPICS AND

YOU KNOW, FOR THE PAIRS FIGURE

SKATING THEY SEND THE GAY GUY

OUT THERE WITH A GIRL.

WHAT COUNTRY'S GONNA HAVE

THE STONES TO SEND TWO GAY GUYS

OUT THERE FOR THE PAIRS FIGURE

SKATING?

[LAUGHTER]

LEAST YOU'D SEE SOME PASSION

FOR PETE'S SAKE.

RIGHT NOW THE GUYS' JUST

THROWING SOME CHICK IN THE AIR

THINKING, "GOD, I WISH THIS WAS

CARL.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, HONEY I COULD LET GO OF YOU

SO QUICKLY.

YOU LITTLE ATTENTION GETTING

BITCH.

BYE, BYE, BRONZE MEDAL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WISCONSIN'S THE ONLY PLACE

I'VE EVER BEEN WHEN I'VE SEEN

A WOMAN OUT HECKLE A GUY AT A

HOCKEY GAME.

GUY'S JUST STANDING THERE

POUNDING THE PLEXIGLAS.

"HEY, YOU SUCK.

HEY, HEY, CHECK HIM INTO THE

BOARDS.

YOU SUCK."

LIKE THREE PERIODS OF THAT,

SUDDENLY THE WOMAN NEXT TO US

JUST STANDS UP AND GOES,

"CUT HIM WITH YOUR SKATE!

TAKE OFF YOUR SKATE AND

CUT HIM!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WATCH GOLF ON TV.

I LOVE WATCHING GOLF ON TV.

LOVE WATCHING TIGER WOODS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S DOWN

SOUTH, WINNING TOURNAMENT'S

DOWN SOUTH.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HE'S GOTTA BE

DRIVING THOSE SOUTHERN COUNTRY

CLUB DUDES WHO RUN THE

TOURNAMENTS, THEY GOTTA BE

DRIVING HIM OUT OF HIS MIND,

TIGER WINNING THAT.

THEY GOTTA HAND A BLACK MAN

A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SUNDAY.

IT'S GOTTA BE EATING THE CRAP

OUT OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I WATCH GOLF ON TV.

I WANT TO BE THERE WHEN ONE OF

THESE GUYS SNAPS.

[LAUGHTER]

LOSES IT.

SAYS THE WRONG THING AT THE

WRONG TIME.

THE SUBCONSCIOUS JUST TAKES

OVER AND HE CAN'T HELP HIMSELF.

WELL, THAT'S YOUR 17th WIN

IN A ROW [BLEEP]-- TIGGER--

TIGER.

OH, GOD!

[SOUND OF GUNSHOT]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE THAT ON TEVO.

I RECENTLY CELEBRATED MY FOURTH

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE MY WIFE MICHELLE.

HERE'S THE COOLEST THING ABOUT

MARRIAGE TO ME.

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY WIFE,

I GET TO KEEP THAT FOREVER.

THAT'S MINE TO KEEP FOREVER.

THAT'S LIKE HAVING YOUR FAVORITE

SOFT DRINK TO DRINK FOR THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE.

UNLIMITED SUPPLY.

BUT IT'S MARRIAGE.

IT'S MONOGAMY.

SO IT'S ONLY YOUR FAVORITE

SOFT DRINK TO DRINK FOR THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU LIKE MR. PIBB, YOU GET THE

DRINK ALL THE MR. PIBB YOU WANT.

BUT YOU WAKE UP TEN YEARS

FROM NOW GOING, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

I'D LIKE SOMETHING HOT TO

DRINK."

"WELL, YOU BETTER HEAT UP SOME

MR. PIBB."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO MANY COOL THINGS TO MARRIAGE,

I LOVE IT.

I CAN NOW FART ANYWHERE.

I LOVE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE HATES THAT.

SHE HATES THAT.

WOMEN HATE THE FARTING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HATE THE

FARTING.

IT'S MEDICALLY PROVEN.

THEY JUST DID A STUDY AT--

WHO GIVES A [BLEEP]--

HOFSTRA, WHO CARES WHERE THEY

DID THIS STUDY.

THEY DID IT-- IT'S MEDICALLY

BETTER TO PASS THE GAS.

I GUARANTEE IF YOU GUYS FARTED

YOU WOULD GET UP EVERY MORNING,

LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND GO,

"YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MY HAIR

LOOKS FREAKIN' FINE."

BOOM, RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY WIFE DOES

THOUGH.

SHE DOESN'T FART.

I THINK SHE STORES IT ALL UP

AND THEN ONCE A YEAR SHE COMES

HERE TO NEW YORK AND INFLATES

ONE OF THOSE MACY'S THANKSGIVING

PARADE BALLOONS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHENEVER YOU SEE A GUY WALKING

AWAY FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND AT

THE MALL, HE IS FARTING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YES.

HE DIDN'T SEE SOMETHING "COOL"

AT BANANA REPUBLIC.

HE'S FARTING.

[LAUGHTER]

A KID, TOO.

WE WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

MAN, I'M GETTING OLDER, TOO.

WHEW.

SOMEWHERE IN THE LAST COUPLE OF

YEARS MY SPERM WENT FROM THE

FREESTYLE TO THE DOGGIE PADDLE.

[LAUGHTER]

"GO, GO, GO."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AW, JUST ONE NIGHT, ONE NIGHT

I WISH I WAS A PUERTO RICAN

DUDE.

'CAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO BABY

MAKING, PUERTO RICAN DUDES,

BANG-- FIRST TIME, EVERY TIME.

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION, MY ASS.

YOU CHECK THE ROSTER AT

BETHLEHEM, I GUARANTEE YOU'LL

FIND A JOSE TORRES ON IT

SOMEWHERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY NAMED

THE KID JESUS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE TESTOSTERONE.

THAT'S OUR THING.

GUYS HAVE A CHEMICAL IN OUR

SYSTEM.

I KNOW WOMEN HAVE A LOT MORE

CHEMICAL IMBALANCES AND STUFF.

BUT WE GOT THE TESTOSTERONE.

WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THE

TESTOSTERONE EITHER, YOU KNOW?

GIVE US A BREAK.

WE WERE JUST CUTE YOUNG BOYS

AND THEN SUDDENLY AT AGE 11

WE'RE STANDING THERE AT THE

BUS STOP.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

"YEAH, THAT WAS A HECK OF A

SEVENTH PERIOD, WASN'T IT?

[GASPING]

[DEEP VOICE] HANG ON, I GOTTA

THROW THIS ROCK AT THE BUS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TRYING TO PICK UP POINTERS

THOUGH.

I'M WATCHING DADS WITH THEIR

KIDS.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW HAS THE

TWO CUTEST NIECES EVER.

WHEN THEY WERE BABIES,

WHENEVER THEY WOULD START

TO CRY OR GET ANGRY OR GET UPSET

HE'D JUST PICK THEM UP AND

BOUNCE THEM.

YOU KNOW, HE'D GO "OH,

THAT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

DON'T YOU WORRY IT'S GONNA BE--

PPPLGPGH."

AND IT WORKED.

IT WORKED 100% OF THE TIME.

THEY WERE FINE 15 SECONDS

LATER.

HOW COME NOBODY BOUNCES US

WHEN WE'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

WHY DID THAT HAVE TO STOP?

[LAUGHTER]

BOUNCERS.

THAT'S WHO SHOULD DO IT.

THEY GOT THE NAME FOR IT.

THEY GOT THE MUSCLE FOR IT.

INSTEAD OF BEATING THE CRAP

OUT OF YOU AT A BAR AT 3:00 AM,

JUST PICK YOU UP.

"OH, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN PICK UP A WHORE

TOMORROW NIGHT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Jeff Cesario: I HAD TO HELP

MY WIFE PICK OUT THE GOOD CHINA.

YOU KNOW THAT CHINA PATTERN

CRAP THING THAT IS.

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS

PLATE?

HOW 'BOUT THIS PLATE?

HOW 'BOUT THIS PLATE?

YOU THINKING ABOUT THIS PLATE?

"I DON'T KNOW, DOES IT HAVE

A HOLE IN IT?"

"NO."

"IT'S A GREAT PLATE!"

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT A RACKET THAT IS,

"THE GOOD CHINA."

ANYBODY HERE EVEN USE THE GOOD

CHINA?

NO.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

THE ONLY TIME I'M EVEN GONNA SEE

THE GOOD CHINA IS DURING THE

EARTHQUAKE WHEN IT'S FLYING OUT

OF ITS TOP SECRET HIDING PLACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE IS A SNOOZE ALARM

PERSON.

I AM A NON-SNOOZE ALARM PERSON.

THIS MEANS WHEN MY ALARM

GOES OFF, I TURN IT OFF

AND I GET THE HELL UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHEN HER ALARM GOES OFF

SHE ROLLS OVER AND BANGS IT

50 OR 60 TIMES.

AND I'D LIKE TO SMOTHER HER

WITH A PILLOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT--

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING,

SNOOZE ALARM PEOPLE?

HOW DO YOU EVEN-- HOW DO YOU--

IF YOU HAVE TO GET UP AT 9:00,

WHAT DO YOU DO?

BACK TIME TO 7:23?

AND THEN JUST PUNCH IT

EVERY SEVEN MINUTES GETTING

HORRIBLE SLEEP WHILE I'M UP

DOING THE FREAKING TAXES NOW?

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE'S HIT IT SO OFTEN

IT DOESN'T EVEN SAY "SNOOZE"

ANYMORE.

IT JUST SAYS "OOZE" ON IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE GOT HER EYEBROWS DONE

BEFORE WE CAME OUT HERE FOR

THE SHOW.

SHE WENT TO THE CHICHI PLACE

IN BEVERLY HILLS.

GOT HER EYEBROWS DONE.

THAT'S AN AMAZING THING TO MEN.

THERE'S WHOLE STORES FOR THAT

WHERE YOU CAN GO AND THEY PLUCK

AND THEY WAX AND THEY PULL AND

THEY CONTOUR AND THEY SHAVE.

IT JUST PROVES THEY'RE NOT

GETTING DOLLED UP FOR GUYS.

THERE ISN'T A GUY ON THE PLANET

WHO'S EVER LOOKED AT AN

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN AND THEN

LOOKED AT HER EYEBROWS AND WENT,

"WELL, THAT'S A DEAL BREAKER

THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

"I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE SHE'S OUT

IN PUBLIC TONIGHT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE DON'T NOTICE THE EYEBROW.

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON WHEN IT'S

THAT WOMAN WHO SHAVES OFF

HER OWN ACTUAL HUMAN EYEBROWS

AND DRAWS IN THE HALLOWEEN

JACK O'LANTERN EYEBROWS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THOSE WE'LL NOTICE FOR ABOUT

TWO SECONDS, THEN FWWOOM,

RIGHT BACK DOWN TO THE BOOBS,

WE DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I THINK ANY PROGRESS MANKIND

HAS EVER MADE, IF YOU DIG

DEEP ENOUGH, YOU'LL FIND A GUY

JUST TRYING TO IMPRESS A CHICK.

SCIENCE, MATH, THE ARTS,

I DON'T CARE WHATEVER GIANT

LEAP FORWARD MANKIND HAS MADE,

YOU DIG DEEP ENOUGH, THERE'S A

GUY TRYING TO IMPRESS A CHICK.

IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT

GETS US OFF THE COUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK ROGET WANTED TO WRITE

A THESAURUS?

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T.

I THINK HE WAS JUST A GUY

WHO HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FREAKIN'

JOB.

SHE GOT FED UP.

SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM.

BUT SAID SOMETHING REALLY CRUEL

LIKE "YOU ALWAYS USE THE

SAME WORDS, OVER AND OVER AND

OVER AGAIN."

TWO MONTHS LATER, BOOM,

ROGET'S THESAURUS.

[LAUGHTER]

"I'LL SHOW THAT WENCH.

CONCUBINE.

HARLOT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE GOT MARRIED AND BOUGHT A

HOUSE AT LIKE THE EXACT SAME

TIME.

AND EVER SINCE THEN THE ONLY

THING I GET, EMAIL SPAM,

IS PEOPLE PROMISING TO LOWER

MY MORTGAGE OR PEOPLE PROMISING

TO ENLARGE MY PENIS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS REDUNDANT.

'CAUSE TRUST ME, IF YOU OWN

A HOME, YOU KNOW IF YOU CAN

LOWER MY MORTGAGE, MY PENIS

WILL GROW ALL ON ITS OWN.

IT AIN'T GONNA NEED HELP.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE'S YOUNGER THAN ME.

SHE'S LIKE-- 30ISH.

THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER GENERATION,

YOU KNOW.

WOMEN THAT AGE AND YOUNGER,

THEY GREW UP WITH TECHNOLOGY,

ALL KINDS OF TECHNOLOGY.

HERE'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

GUYS, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

A WOMAN TO MARRY WHO'S GONNA

COOK AND SEW AND MEND AND CLEAN

AND ALL OF THAT--

[LAUGHTER]

EXACTLY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO MARRY

AN AMISH CHICK AND LIVE LIKE

70 MILES FROM THE NEAREST

TELEGRAPH OFFICE.

'CAUSE IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

MY WIFE WILL FIRE UP THE

DISHWASHER WITH ONE SPOON IN IT.

SHE DOESN'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF A DISH NEEDS TO BE WASHED

BY HAND IN OUR HOUSE, EITHER

I WASH IT, OR IT SITS IN THE

SINK UNTIL IT DISINTEGRATES

FROM THE RAVAGES OF TIME.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SHE'S NOT QUITE THAT BAD.

BUT SHE HATES IT.

SHE HAD TO WASH SOMETHING

BY HAND THE OTHER DAY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "GARRGH, GAAARGH."

IT'S LIKE A RETARDED PIRATE.

"RARAGRGH.

GARRGH.

DARGH."

TWENTY MINUTES SHE FINALLY

LOOKS UP AT ME.

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW SOMETHING,

I NEED A WIFE.

YOUR WIFE NEEDS A WIFE."

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND I SAID,

"OKAY."

[LAUGHTER]

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