Pulp Comics: Margaret Cho

  • 07/31/1999

>> Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

I'm gonna lecture y'all

on a lot of things.

Our society, as we know it,

is falling apart.

We got to do something about it.

You know, I took a plane to get

here, and I just need to talk

about this airline travel just

for a minute, please.

No, really.

Everybody talks about it,

but I got some stuff that I got

to get off my chest.

You know, when I was a little

kid, my mother used to make me

dress up in my Sunday best

to get on a plane.

Back then, the plane was

a silver, shiny bird.

It was exciting,

something you looked forward to.

You had to wash your ass

'fore you got on the plane.

All the stewardesses,

all the stewardesses back in the

day, they looked like

Playboy bunnies.

Pilot looked like

George Hamilton.

I'm serious.

Man, he come out there,

[suave voice] "Good evening.

[mouthing words]

You know, tonight, we're going

to be flying at about 25,000

feet.

[mouthing words]

Hey, guys, do me a favor.

Get to know your stewardess

Trixie.

She's awful fun."

That's the way it used to be.

Got on this plane--

it's first-class, mind you.

First-class,

all broke down,

seats stinkin',

ought to be damned.

Stewardess looked like Aunt Bea.

Diggin' all in her nose.

She didn't have no peanuts,

nothin'!

So after we sat on the tarmac

for, I don't know, oh, about

four or five hours,

we finally took off, you know.

Came to the time I had to

relieve myself, you know,

so I go to the bathroom.

Now, I don't ask for much.

Some toilet paper, that's all.

I opened the door.

All right, okay, well, I see

something's gone on in here.

Okay, well, then I'm trying to

go with the moment.

Maybe somebody dropped a box of

Milk Duds.

That's what happened up in here.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Then I look a little closer.

I'm la...oh...

maybe somebody was eating some

chocolate cake.

We had a little bit of

turbulence.

Maybe that's what's going on.

You know what I saw in there?

It looked like somebody just

stuck their ass in the door and

just--blah-da-da-da-da!

Blah-da-da-da-da-da!

Blah-dow!

That's an act of anger.

We don't need that.

We don't need that.

Yeah, I recently went home to

visit my family and stuff.

I hate my family, man.

I do.

I can't stand 'em.

Tired-ass relatives, man.

But you love 'em.

That doesn't mean you want to

hang out with 'em.

You know what I mean?

'Cause they mess with me,

especially my uncles,

'cause we always give, like,

a family reunion at my uncle's

house, and every year, I knock

on the door, and this is what

I get:

[smacking gums]

Boy, you know you was

a ugly baby.

You know was a ugly baby, now,

don't ya?

Baby, come here.

Who this look like right here?

That's the ugly baby.

Boy, you were so ugly,

I put a diaper on your face.

I couldn't tell your head

from your ass.

Come on in.

It's good to see you.

This is how my visit

would start.

My uncles lecture us about just

garbage, you know?

I'm a grown man.

I don't want to hear it.

But it's like a tape loop,

you know.

"I can't understand the music

y'all young people listen to

today.

Everything is hip-hop.

The beat don't stop.

See, I don't want no man

yelling in my ear.

I don't care if it do rhyme.

Now, back in the day, when me

and your auntie was datin',

oh, that was music back then.

Everything was lovey-dovey,

dancin' close, lyrics about

romance.

Baby, you remember

our favorite song?

Give it to me.

Never should've promised her

to give it to me.

Don't hold back, now.

Give it to me, unh!

Give it to me, unh!

Give it to me, unh!"

how did comedy start?

You know, like, who was the

first black comic?

You know what I mean?

It probably started on

a slave ship or something.

[seagulls squawking]

[chains rattling]

>> Greetings, slaves.

Look alive!

[whip cracks]

In order to make the middle

passage a more pleasurable

experience, the S.S. Echinacea

is proud to present a comic.

So please put your hands

together and welcome

one of your own:

Ikari Nakapatulu.

Got that right?

[cheers and applause]

>> Pump it up; pump it up.

Keep it going.

Hey, let's give it up

for the MC.

He really whoops ass, don't he?

Literally whoops ass.

Is anybody from out of town?

You know, I just swam in

from Nairobi, and boy,

are my arms tired.

But seriously, folks, I hope I'm

funny, because if y'all don't

laugh, they gonna castrate me.

Again.

But you know what, folks?

The great thing about dating

a girl on a slave ship:

you never have to worry about

gettin' her drawers off.

And speaking of drawers,

you know, you'd think if

somebody could afford to buy

a human being, couldn't they

afford some clothes to go along

with it?

I mean, do we all have to be

half-butt-naked up in here?

Damn!

Put the lantern on this fool

over here.

Look at him pickin' his lock.

Hey, yo!

What ship you think you on?

The Amistad?

You ain't goin' nowhere.

[laughter]

If one more sailor rapes me,

I swear I'm gonna throw myself

overboard.

I mean, can I at least get some

romance and a little atmosphere,

a glass of hard cider by

candlelight, something?

But you know what?

I can't wait to get to the New

World, 'cause I can see me now

in the big house

with massa's daughter.

Plah-dow! Plah-dow! Plah-dow!

Plah-dow! Plah-dow! Plah-dow!

[laughter]

I see the light.

Okay, look here, it looks like

that's my time.

I got to get up outta here.

Peace and chicken grease.

See y'all.

[cheers and applause]

I went away to college,

turned 18.

I went to state school.

It was 45 minutes away.

I thought I was home free.

I was an adult,

do what I want.

I'm staying up till 4:00 a.m.!

College was fun, man,

but I'd never been away from

home, so I really didn't--

and I went to school during

the '70s, man, big afros,

platform shoes, funky music.

[imitating disco music]

It was nice, man.

I couldn't get a date the

entire freshman year, though.

That whole year I spent--

well, they call it stalking now,

but...

I call it getting to know you.

Started smoking reefer

in college.

Oh, I did a lot, 'cause back

then, it was real hyped up.

It's not like it is now,

you know.

Back then, you could smoke

10, 20 joints, and you could

still talk sense.

You know, now it's like--

[inhales sharply]

That's super-duper reefer.

But the thing is, if you got

high, you had to look cool

doing it.

So I was at a party one time.

I was like, "Yo, man, let me get

that joint, man."

[chuckles]

[inhales sharply and jaggedly]

[sputtering]

[choked coughing]

Whoo!

That was some good stuff.

That [...] damn near killed

me, man.

And you always had big plans

before you get high, don't you?

You're gonna do a bunch of stuff

before you get high, right?

You be like, "First of all,

we're gonna do

all our homework.

[humming happily]

Then we gonna paint the house.

[humming happily]

Then we gonna play some

basketball."

[humming]

15 minutes after you finish

that last joint, you're like,

"Yo, blood, you got some more

Cheetos?"

A mind is a terrible thing

to waste.

But I'm talking to you tonight

because I'm trying to tell you

all these things.

These are signs that our society

is falling apart,

even the Olympics.

I grew up my whole life wanting

to be in the Olympics.

Now that's all crooked.

>> Some people may say the

Olympics aren't what they used

to be, but don't tell that to

this man, Coach Captain

Willy Montgomery.

>> Get your monkey ass

in the game.

>> Coach of the Southern

Mississippi Swamp Valley

Knights, the winningest octoroon

coach in the history of the

NCAA.

>> Pass the ball, man.

Don't try to shoplift it.

Damn it.

All right, that's it.

[whistle blows]

Everybody, butt-naked in the

showers.

Time for booty check.

I've been coaching

over 70 years.

Seen great players come

and great players go,

but the one thing I can say

about my boys is, I love 'em.

Yah!

What we have here...

is a failure to communicate.

Stand him up; stand him up!

Somebody get me my cattle prod.

I'm like a daddy to my boys.

Matter of fact, I am a daddy to

some of 'em.

>> With triumph also comes

tragedy, and no one knows this

better than Coach Captain

Willy Montgomery.

In the fall of 1986,

Darryl "Lumpy" Jones dropped

dead on the court during

a play-off game, leaving

Coach Captain and the rest of

the Swamp Valley Knights

devastated.

>> Lumpy, Lumpy, get up.

Lord, why'd you have to take him

so young?

[sobbing]

Not Lumpy Lump.

Not little Lumpy.

Lumpy, come back.

Lumpy, you gonna play again.

Lumpy.

Well, boys, looks like he ain't

gettin' up.

Who wants the gym shoes?

Get this bastard

off of my court.

We're running drills.

[whistle blows]

'Course, we all knew that Lumpy

had a preexisting heart

condition, but the boy just

wanted to play, and who am I to

stop him?

Hello, Mrs. Jones?

Lumpy's dead.

You know, that's the real

hard part,

dealing with the parents.

>> Despite the years of

controversy and three or four

accidental deaths, Coach Captain

remains an unrivaled force

in college basketball.

>> I made it out of college.

I met somebody.

I got married.

Yeah, we've been together

for ten years.

Actually, I just had

a anniversary,

so that was really great,

ten years together.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much.

Thanks a lot.

I need your support because

we got a divorce.

Hey, you know, hey, we tried,

you know what I'm saying?

It's cool, though.

It's cool.

I mean, I don't look bitter,

do I, you know?

A lot of guys harbor their pain

and not me, you know.

I just hope my ex-wife can just

get on with her life!

You know what I mean?

[breathing heavily]

>> Breathe.

>> Thank you, man, thank you.

Thank you, man.

But you know what the best part

of any relationship is?

When you first meet somebody,

isn't it?

That's always the best.

Everything is fresh and new.

I don't care how old I get,

the first time I see a woman

I'm with butt-naked, ooh, ooh,

look what I'm 'bout to get.

Ohhhh, yes.

Oh, isn't that great?

I can't--oh, it's wonderful.

It is wonderful.

And they call that first period

when you fall in love,

it's called the honeymoon

period.

You get about 90 days free.

You do.

That means that you can't see

the other person's faults.

No matter what kind of evidence

you're presented with,

you just ain't buyin' it.

It's like we all had friends

that fell in love with somebody

that wasn't right for them.

And you try to warn these people

during this period.

They can't hear you.

It's like, "Yo, man, I'm trying

to tell you something.

Man, I seen that girl's face on

America's Most Wanted, man."

It's like, "Yo, that's my boo.

I'm gonna stick with her, okay?

We all make mistakes."

It's like, fellas, you could be

with your girlfriend.

She could take her shoes off

during this period,

feet kickin',

like 20 miles of

skint back mule ass.

But to you, her feet smell like

a fresh spring day

'cause you in love.

You in love.

You in love.

Oh, and sex?

Oh, man.

When you first start having sex,

isn't it great?

10, 15, 20 times a day,

just tapping that booty,

aren't you?

You don't need no excuses,

no foreplay.

You just tappin' that ass.

It's wonderful.

5:00 a.m.--Blah-dow!

I'll see you in about five

minutes, baby.

[whistling gleefully]

"David, where are you going

for lunch?"

"I'm going home."

[whistling]

It is great in the beginning.

It is wonderful.

You play those little sex games.

"Hey, girl.

[snickering]

I got something for you!

What's long and brown

and a quarter of a pound?"

Oh, you are deep in it,

aren't you?

But then one day,

all the lovin' stops.

Foreplay is reduced

to two words:

"Roll over.

You ain't got to take your

flip-flops off, baby.

The game is on.

Unh!"

[sputtering]

What happens?

What happens?

We do not honor our lovers.

That's what happens.

But I envy some of those guys.

You know, you read about--

they can talk their wives into

doing anything, you know what I

mean?

I couldn't talk my wife into

doing a damn thing.

[cheerful music]

>> [gasps]

Oh, you almost scared me

to death.

>> Sorry, sweet meats.

Close your eyes.

I got a big surprise for you.

>> You know I love surprises.

>> Thatagirl.

Follow the ribbon.

[both giggling]

Come on, come on, come on.

Surprise!

[muffled speech]

>> Honey, you're killing me.

>> I'm not killing you.

I'm killing her.

>> Well, what are we gonna do

with her?

The closets are full, and

there's no more room under

the house.

>> Well, I guess we could always

eat her, but then again, you

don't cook, and we're fresh out

of hot sauce.

>> Ha-ha, very funny.

>> You don't even have to do

anything.

Just hold the video camera

for me, please?

>> Why don't you ever put me

on camera?

>> I'd love to, sweetums,

but then I'd have to kill ya.

Seriously.

thump

>> See, she's getting away.

>> She won't get far.

The dog's in the yard.

[dog barking]

>> I need to think about this.

>> All right, deal time.

If you do this for me,

I promise I will watch

Ally McBeal with you.

Pretty please, sweetums?

>> No complaining?

>> Nope, and we'll rent a video,

any movie you choose,

your choice.

>> I want to see Titanic again.

>> Oh, Titanic--

>> You said any movie.

>> All right, deal.

>> Good deal.

>> Okay, be a good girl and get

me some screwdrivers

and a blowtorch,

'cause we about to get buck wild

up in here.

spent together.

It wasn't all bad.

Ten years, I never cheated

on my wife.

No, I never did.

I mean, there's some good guys

out there.

You know, we're not all dogs.

Don't--I mean, don't listen to

him, really.

There's some good men out there.

There are.

You know what I'm saying?

And you know what?

No, ladies, look here.

Ladies, ladies, you got to look

for a man like you look

for a job.

Do your research.

Do your research.

Run a credit check on him,

please?

That's first off.

Meet his babies' mamas, okay?

Do that.

You just don't drive him to the

methadone clinic.

Go inside.

Meet the people.

Talk to his parole officer.

Do your research.

Don't be a victim.

You know, a lot of these women

are victims, man.

Don't be like that.

You know, "Leroy, shot me 'cause

he loved me.

You don't even know.

He..."

Do your research.

Man.

Sex, watch out.

Watch out, because they got some

diseases out there, you know?

When you're having sex,

you got to watch out.

And I'm not talking about

the [...] that everybody knows

about.

I'm really not talk--

like, today I heard a guy,

he was talking about gonorrhea.

[chuckles]

Excuse me, officer.

It's just in 1999,

if you come down with a case

of gonorrhea, be happy.

You should be thankful.

That is a blessing from God.

Truly, these days, that don't

mean a damn thing,

'cause they got some diseases

out there.

I'm not talking about HIV.

They got some, like, Ebola

of the nuts,

stuff that'll knock you out of

commiss--you might not even make

it to your car.

You see brothers today going,

"Man, I told that"--

Dead in the driveway.

Listen, I want to thank you all

for coming tonight.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, New York!

Good night.

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