The Half Hour
Season 2

Erik Griffin

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 05/10/2013

Erik Griffin figures out why it's a supremely bad idea to date a woman 20 years your junior.

A-And I'm lookingsexy as shit, huh?

(crowd whooping)

Uh! Ha, ha.

Where these Workaholics fans at?

Where you guys at?

(crowd cheering)

Yes, very tight butthole,very tight butthole.

(laughs)

You know what? I lovethe male Workaholics fans,

'cause y'all crazy.

Y'all love screaming my linesat me in public, like,

"Montez!"

"Show me your dick!"

Like, hey, dude,is that what you...?

No. Not here.

I like the female Workaholics fans, of course.

(women whooping)Ah. Yeah. Mm.

Somebody gonna get pregnant.Um...

But there's always not a lot--

You're always the one Workaholics fan in your group,

you know, ladies?You know what I'm talking about?

Like, the other ones don't knowwhat you're talking about.

I always know this,'cause I see you in public

and there's, like, two girls.

One of them runs up to melike... (gasps)

"Oh, my God!Can you take a picture with me?"

And she, like, jumps on me.

And, "Courtney,take our picture!"

And then Courtney goes,"What are you doing?

"Why would you takea picture with him?

Are you trying to makeyour father mad?"

I'm like, "Get basic cable,Courtney. Shit."

"Workaholics" is notthe type of show

that's gonna win an Emmy,unfortunately. Uh...

Right?

And I want to go to the Emmysso bad, you know?

'Cause I want to go weird,you know what I mean? Like...

I'm not gonna take a hot chick,

even thoughthat would be expected.

(laughs)

(bleep) this wholeside of the room.

Um...

Know what I mean?

No, I want to go weird,you understand?

I'm gonna go weird.

You know, I want to getout the limo with, like,

a little dwarf. Just pow.

Right on my pinky, like that.

Ooh, puddle, puddle, puddle.

(laughs)

No, carrying a little baby slingon my chest

just like, right here,like, "Hey..." you know?

I can go weirder than that.

You know who I really would loveto take to the Emmys

or something like that?

Is that two-headed chickfrom TLC.

You ever see that?

Oh, have you seen this?

Two heads, one body.

Oh!

I am obsessed.

And they don't show enough.It needs to be on HBO.

(laughs)

'Cause to me, they're...

they're, like,on their toilet fighting.

"Bitch, I told younot to have tacos.

Look at us on this toilet,like..."

(laughs)

Like... like, do they havejoint (bleep) control?

Like, who's in charge?

Like, is one pushing,and the other one's going,

"Get it, girl! Get it!

Get it, girl!"

(groaning)

"Got it!" (grunts)

You know, I don't know...

Like, are they on the couch,"Did you fart?"

"Bitch, we farted.Don't act like...

"We are both here right now.

"This is a... this is a 'us'situation right here.

Don't act like..."

It would be toughto date them though,

'cause maybe you only likeone head.

You know?

And then the bill comes,

you're gonna have that momentwhere you're like, "Um...

(laughs)

"I mean...

"I took you out,you know what I mean? I...

"This head had ribs and shrimp.

"Are we gonna split this bill?

How we gonnawork this right now?"

I want one of themto be a whore.

Just one is a whore, you know?

Just, one of them's always,"I want to suck some (bleep)."

And the other head is like,"Would you stop being a slut

"all the time?

You always have some guy's thighin my face."

You don't get that?

(laughs)

"Finish!"

Like...

(laughs)

One wants her hair pulled, "Ah!"

The other one's like,"Oh, my God!"

"You stop crying.Look at your other head.

Stop crying."

(chuckles)

WORKAHOLICS is keeping me young.You know, it's a hip show.

And I'm in a weird age range,gonna be honest with you.

I'm in the 37-to-44 age range.

That's, uh, right beforeyou put in a ponytail

and get a motorcycle.

It's not old, it's what I liketo call "pre-old."

It's when you doing stuffyou not supposed to do anymore,

like wear a hoodie.

You know,when hoodie time is done.

Trying to play basketball onthe weekends without stretching.

You know?

I'm out there like,"Yeah, yeah! Ow! Oh, shit!

Get-get the car!Go get the car."

Like, you ever seethe 40-year-old guy

and the 20-year-old chick?

You know? You're just like,

"Why is that dadkissing his daughter?"

Like, what,you gonna meet her mom?

You might've gone to high schoolwith this chick, you know?

How you gonna look walking in?"This is my mom."

"Evelyn?

(laughs):"Evelyn!

"Class of '90!

"You look great.

"The years havetreated you well. (laughs)

"But remember whenyou looked like this?

"Ah!

Ha, Evelyn! Ha, ha!"

Come on, let's be real.

You-you don't datea 20-year-old when you're 40.

You (bleep) a 20-year-old.

This makes perfect sense to me.

Let me tell you why.

'Cause 20-year-old (bleep)

is like Wolverine from X-Men.

No matterwhat you do to it,

it just heals.(sucking noise)

(pounding noises, sucking)

(imitates gunfire)

(sucking noise)

(imitates explosion)

(sucking noise)

You know what I'm talking about?

(crowd cheering)

(laughs)

I mean, it gets over 30,and it turns into Play-Doh,

you know, just...(squishing noise)

(coughing)

(laughs)

You can get in itlike a Snuggie, like,

"Ooh, this is just...

"Oh, there's a chair in here!

Look at all this space in here."

(laughs)

There's a dismount slideinto a pool.

"Oh!"

I'm kidding.Look at all the women over 30

looking at me like,"(bleep) you.

This is still good,I tell you that right now."

Gonna be having me outside.

"Excuse me. This (bleep)is still delicious."

"Well, show me how goodthat (bleep) is.

You bragging about it."

(chuckles)

So, needless to say,I don't date a lot. Um...

I don't date a lot becauseI make bad decisions.

My go-to move is always,"Let's go to a movie." You know?

"Let's go see a movie."

Movies are horrible dates,right?

You always have that awkwardlook at each other in the movie.

(quietly):Killing it.

It's, like, so stupid.

And I'm, listen,I'm too emotional.

I'm too emotional,

and I can't let stuff go,all right?

I got to involve

the whole theaterif I see some bullshit.

Like I'm watching Dark Knight Rises, all right?

It said two minutes lefton the bomb.

How the hell he get all the wayout to the ocean? (snorts)

I'm in the theater like,"This is bullshit, right?!

They should be dead already,right? They should be dead."

I count bullets, you know.

If it's a six-shooter, I'm like,"Four, five, six, seven!

What the (bleep) is going onwith this gun?!"

I can't let it go.

But young men,I'm gonna give you guys a tip.

Okay? Here's a tip.

If you're gonna take a chickto the movie,

you look her right in the face,

"Hey, we going to see Transformers 12. Let's go."

Women are very supportive.

They love watching usenjoy stuff.

So we're like little boys.

They're like, "Oh...(laughs)

"They transformed!

"Oh, they did it again!

"I don't know why he did itthat time. Oh!

"Ooh, and there'sOpti-- Ultima-- Opt...

Is he a Nissan? Is he a Chevy?"

We don't care 'cause every timeit happens...

(makes mechanical noise)

"Yeah! Yeah!"

...you walk out of there happy.

If you let her pick the movie...

you gonna end upin some bullshit.

Women like the worst typeof movie.

Like, they want to take youto a documentary

so you can learnabout some stuff

you don't give a shit about.

Some pretentious nonsense.

I don't want to learn anythingat the movies.

And you got to pretendlike you're into it.

You know, "Thank you forbringing this to my attention.

"I, uh...

I didn't know the beeswere having, uh..."

(makes gunshot noise)

something is about to happen.

They should know somethingis about to happen.

And they acting in a manner

in whichnothing is about to happen.

You know what I'm saying?Listen.

We're at an advantage though,we're at an advantage.

Because what's the tip thatsomething is about to happen?

The music--that sustained string.

(imitates eerie music)

You like, (gasps)"Something gonna happen."

We need that in real life.

That be awesome.

You know, you walking ina parking lot late at night.

(imitates eerie music)

"Who out here?!"

(laughs)

I meet some crazy chicks.

They go, "Hi, I'm Samantha."

(imitates eerie music)

"Yeah, I-I got toactually go, Samantha. Uh..."

Funny thing is,women wouldn't even listen

to the noise--you know how y'all are.

It'd be...(imitates eerie music)

"So you live with your mother?I can't...

"You're between jo...?

This noise is so loud,I can't even..."

(laughs)

Y'all make bad decisions. Um...

Loading...