CC Presents: Alonzo Bodden

  • Season 9, Ep 22
  • 07/07/2005

Alonzo Bodden: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT!

YEAH.

THIS IS COOL, MAN.

I LOVE THIS BEING IN NEW YORK.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR HAVING ME

HERE.

THIS IS, THIS REALLY, THIS IS A

CITY TO WORK IN, 'CAUSE I'VE

BEEN DOING SOME ROAD GIGS, MAN,

I HAD TO DO A SHOW AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH ALABAMA.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING

TO YOU.

I WAS BORN HERE IN NEW YORK,

AND I LIVE IN L.A.

SO IF YOU TELL ME I'M GOING

TO ALABAMA, I'M SCARED.

BUT WHEN YOU TELL ME THERE'S A

SOUTH ALABAMA...

[LAUGHTER]

THERE AIN'T NO REASON FOR THAT

AT ALL, MAN, REALLY.

[APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT GOOD IN THE SOUTH, MAN.

I DON'T LIKE BEING ANYWHERE

THAT "MOSEY" IS A SPEED.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO

DOWN THERE, MAN.

I GET IN THE CAB, IT'S LIKE,

"WE GONNA MOSEY ON DOWN

TO THE AIRPORT."

NO, LET'S HURRY THE HELL UP AND

GET TO THE AIRPORT, ALL RIGHT,

'CAUSE IT'S GETTING DARK

OUT HERE THERE'S A LOT OF TREES

AROUND.

AND I'VE HEARD RUMORS!

BUT THIS IS GOOD, MAN.

TRAVELING'S GOOD.

I NOTICE A LOT OF THINGS

ON THE ROAD, THOUGH, LIKE IN

AMERICA HERE, MAN.

I THINK WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE

PARANOID, YOU KNOW A LITTLE

TOO MUCH SECURITY.

I SAW A SECURITY GUARD AT THE

99 CENT STORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M THINKING, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

I HAVE TO STEAL TO MAKE IT WORTH

PAYING YOU?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE TOO MUCH SECURITY.

AND THE AIRPORT SECURITY IS

THE WORST, MAN, BECAUSE IT'S

LIKE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

YOU KNOW WE HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE

THERE, BUT THEY NOT REALLY

DOING ANYTHING 'CAUSE THEY STILL

CHECK US FOR THE WRONG THINGS,

MAN.

YOU CAN'T BRING TWEEZERS

ON AN AIRPLANE.

IF I'M ON A PLANE AND YOU TRY TO

HIJACK IT WITH TWEEZERS,

I'LL WHIP YOUR ASS, MAN, REALLY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU THINK I'M GONNA BE LATE

'CAUSE YOU GOT TWEEZERS AND A

BAD ATTITUDE?

I TELL SECURITY, "LOOK,

HOW ABOUT YOU CHECK FOR GUNS,

AND I'LL HANDLE TWEEZER BOY

ON MY OWN."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ENOUGH WITH THE SHOES RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE WE GOT A NATIONWIDE

FOOT FETISH GOING ON.

WE HAD ONE IDIOT PUT A BOMB

IN A SHOE, AND NOW EVERYONE

HAS TO TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF?

WHERE'S THE BRA BOMBER AT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAY IF WE GOT TO WAIT IN LINE,

MAKE IT FUN FOR EVERYBODY.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY CHECKIN' ME FOR ANYWAY.

BECAUSE I'M BLACK AND

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T HIJACK

PLANES, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT

WE STEAL A LOT OF STUFF.

BUT WE DO NOT HIJACK PLANES.

IN FACT, IN THE HISTORY OF

AVIATION, A BLACK PERSON

HAS NEVER EVEN ATTEMPTED

TO HIJACK A PLANE.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SELL

AN AIRPLANE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU TELL ME WHAT A BROTHER'S

SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AN AIRPLANE,

HUH?

WHAT'S HE GONNA DRAG IT TO THE

PAWN SHOP, HUH?

PUT 20'S ON IT AND TAKE IT

TO THE SWAP MEET?

NO, I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO HANDLE

AIRPORT SECURITY.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S NOT NICE,

IT'S NOT "POLITICALLY CORRECT,"

BUT I'LL SAY IT.

JUST... CHECK THE ARABS.

ALL RIGHT?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHO HIJACKS

PLANES.

AND THAT'S NOT BEING RACIST

THAT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU GET ROBBED AND THE

GET-AWAY CAR IS A CADILLAC...

THEN YOU KNOW THERE'S A BROTHER

INVOLVED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

IF YOU IN THE HILLS OF TENNESSEE

AND SOME JEWISH GUY'S

GETTING HIS ASS WHIPPED,

YOU LOOKIN' FOR A RED NECK WITH

A PICKUP TRUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOU'RE ON AN AIRPLANE

AND SOMETHING STARTS TICKIN',

"WELL, ABDUL, WE GOT A FEW

QUESTIONS FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

'CAUSE I WATCH IT, MAN.

I WATCH THE RACE THING 'CAUSE

IT'S CHANGING HERE IN AMERICA.

THE WHOLE DEMOGRAPHICS ARE

CHANGING.

YOU KNOW, LATINOS, MAN,

SPANISH PEOPLE OUTNUMBER

BLACK PEOPLE NOW.

[CHEERING]

YEAH, I'M NOT TOO HAPPY

ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY NOT.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF

TIME BEFORE WE LOSE OUR MONTH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

SOON AS THEY FIGURE IT OUT,

THEY'RE GONNA HAVE LATINO

HISTORY MONTH.

ALL WE'RE GONNA HAVE LEFT IS

CINCO DE NEGRO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST

THE LATINO PEOPLE, THE SPANISH

PEOPLE.

BUT I'M ASKING YOU TO DO ME

A FAVOR, HELP US OUT.

PICK A NAME.

ALL RIGHT?

NO REALLY 'CAUSE YOU GUYS

CHANGE, YOU KNOW 'CAUSE ONE WEEK

IT'S LATINO.

THEN SOMETIMES IT'S HISPANIC,

THEN SOMETIMES Y'ALL DIVIDE UP

INTO INDIVIDUAL COUNTRIES,

YOU KNOW, AND I GOTTA FIGURE OUT

WHERE YOU'RE FROM, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

SEE WE CHANGE NAMES BUT WE DO IT

AS A GROUP.

SEE, 'CAUSE WHEN WE GOT HERE,

WE WERE NIGGERS.

NOW WE AIN'T PICKED THAT ONE,

BUT IT STUCK.

ALL RIGHT?

THEN THEY SET US FREE, WE WERE

COLORED.

THEN WE GOT MAD, WE WERE BLACK.

NOW WE GOT MONEY,

WE AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE THE THING ABOUT RACISM,

RIGHT, THE THING I LOVE,

WHENEVER PEOPLE TRY TO PROVE

THEY'RE NOT A RACIST, YOU KNOW,

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "RACISM?

NO.

RACISM'S BASED IN STEREOTYPE.

STEREOTYPES AREN'T TRUE."

YES THEY ARE.

THAT'S WHERE THEY COME FROM,

RIGHT?

THERE ARE CERTAIN TRAITS

PEOPLE HAVE.

BUT THE THING IS THERE'S ALWAYS

A BALANCE.

SURE THERE'S BAD STEREOTYPES,

BUT THERE ARE ALSO GOOD

STEREOTYPES AND IT GENERALLY

WORKS OUT, RIGHT?

LIKE ASIANS.

WHAT DOES EVERYONE SAY ABOUT

ASIANS?

ASIANS CAN'T DRIVE.

THAT'S TRUE!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEEN THEM OUT THERE, MAN.

THEY CAN'T DRIVE.

I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY.

I SAW THE SCARIEST THING IN THE

WORLD, MAN.

I SAW AN ASIAN DRIVING AN SUV.

REALLY, I JUST RAN MY CAR

INTO THE GUARDRAIL, YOU KNOW.

FIGURE I'LL SAVE HIM SOME TIME.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THEY'RE ALSO

KNOWN FOR BEING VERY SMART.

SO THAT'S A GOOD BALANCE.

IT'S, "WELL, YOU CAN'T DRIVE,

BUT YOU'RE A GENIUS."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, MEXICANS-- YOU KNOW,

I LIVE IN L.A.

WE GET A LOT OF MEXICANS.

EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT MEXICANS

ON THE ROAD.

THEY SAY THE SAME THING,

"HEY MAN, LOOK OVER THERE.

YEAH, LOOK OVER THERE.

THERE'S TEN MEXICANS IN THE

CAR."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, BUT THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY

TO WORK.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU KNOW MEXICANS ARE THE

HARDEST WORKING PEOPLE IN THE

WORLD, MAN.

REALLY, I GET TIRED JUST

WATCHING THEM, YOU KNOW.

AND BLACK PEOPLE, YOU KNOW,

WE GOT STUCK WITH THE

CRIME THING, RIGHT?

THAT'S OUR STEREOTYPE, RIGHT?

"HEY, WATCH HIM, HE'S BLACK.

HE'LL STEAL SOMETHING."

BUT THEN WE ALSO GOT THE

WELL-HUNG THING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

THAT'LL BALANCE A LOT,

RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU PRETTY MUCH, CALL ME

WHAT YOU WANT, JUST PUT THAT ON

THE END.

WE GET ALONG JUST FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHO HAS A COOL

STEREOTYPE, MAN?

THE IRISH.

THE IRISH ARE COOL.

[SCREAMS]

YEAH...

'CAUSE THEY'RE KNOWN FOR BEING

DRUNK, RIGHT?

SO THAT'S COOL 'CAUSE THEN

IF YOU GET DRUNK IN THE WRONG

SITUATION, NOBODY CAN REALLY GET

MAD.

RIGHT, THEY BE, "HEY, LOOK AT

MURPHY."

"YEAH, HE'S DRUNK AT WORK."

"WELL, HE'S IRISH."

[LAUGHTER]

"AHH, LET IT GO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TIMES ARE HARD NOW, MAN.

IT'S WEIRD OUR WHOLE POLITICAL

CLIMATE, MAN, CONSERVATIVES IN

CHARGE.

I DON'T LIKE CONSERVATIVES, MAN.

I DON'T.

NO, I DON'T LIKE THEM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE CONSERVATIVES ALWAYS

TALK ABOUT AMERICA IN THE

GOOD OL' DAYS.

BRING BACK THE GOOD OL' DAYS.

I'M BLACK.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DON'T HAVE GOOD OL' DAYS.

WHAT YOU THINK, BLACK PEOPLE

SITTING AROUND LIKE, "OH, MAN,

REMEMBER THE BACK OF THE BUS?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, YOU COULD ALWAYS FIND A SEAT

IN THE BACK OF THE BUS."

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS PREACHING

HATE, MAN.

THAT'S THE THING.

WE'RE MAD AT EVERYBODY.

WE HATE THIS GROUP.

I GET SO CONFUSED, MAN,

I'M SERIOUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE

ANYMORE.

I CAN NOT KEEP UP, RIGHT?

LIKE I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO HATE

IRAQIS, RIGHT, AND I'M COOL

WITH THAT, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THERE'S SOME THINGS ABOUT

THE WAR I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

FOR EXAMPLE, WE TOOK OVER

AN OIL-PRODUCING COUNTRY.

WHY IS THE PRICE OF GAS GOING

UP?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

REALLY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GAY PEOPLE?

GAY PEOPLE EVIL 'CAUSE

GAY PEOPLE WANT TO GET MARRIED.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE

BIG ISSUE IS 'CAUSE I DON'T SEE

HOW THAT AFFECTS ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

REALLY.

IF YOU'RE GAY, YOU WANT TO GET

MARRIED?

GO AHEAD.

THAT DON'T AFFECT ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH CAME OUT

AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE.

THEY SUPPOSE GAY MARRIAGE IS

IMMORAL.

I'M THINKING, "DON'T YOU GUYS

HAVE SOME PROBLEMS OF YOUR OWN

TO WORK OUT?"

I MEAN, REALLY.

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S

GONNA WORK WHEN JUDGMENT DAY

COMES.

BUT IF IT'S LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

LIKE DMV, RIGHT, AND THEY HAVE

DIFFERENT LINES DEPENDING ON

WHAT YOU DID.

I'D RATHER BE IN THE "GAY PEOPLE

GET MARRIED" LINE THAN IN THE

"I TOUCHED LITTLE BOYS" LINE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU ARE 'CAUSE YOU LAUGH.

YOU LAUGH.

I LIKE IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE I CAN'T WORK WITH A

TIGHT-ASS CROWD.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU GET THAT POLITICALLY CORRECT

CROWD, MINUTE YOU TELL A JOKE,

THEY, "OOOHHH, THAT'S MEAN."

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A

MEAN JOKE.

A JOKE IS EITHER FUNNY

OR IT'S NOT FUNNY.

IF I HEAR A FUNNY JOKE, YOU KNOW

WHAT I DO?

I LAUGH.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I DON'T FORM A FOCUS GROUP

TO SEE WHO GOT HURT BY THE JOKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LAUGH AT A FUNNY JOKE, MAN.

I DON'T CARE.

IT'S FUNNY.

YOU KNOW I HEARD A GREAT ONE.

WHAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT

MIDGETS?

THE LOOK ON THEIR FACE WHEN

THEY'RE AIRBORNE.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TO LAUGH,

BUT THAT'S FUNNY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I WAS DOING A SHOW ONE TIME.

I HAD A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR

SITTING RIGHT UP FRONT.

WHOLE CROWD, "NO, YOU WOULDN'T."

OH YES, I WOULD!

HEY, HE ROLLED HIS ASS IN HERE.

HE IS NOW FAIR GAME.

I LOOKED RIGHT AT THE GUY, "MAN,

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU GO TO

THE BATHROOM AND ONE RAIL'S

LOOSE?"

[LAUGHTER]

HE LAUGHED HIS ASS OF.

HE DID.

HE THOUGHT THAT WAS HIS OWN

PERSONAL JOKE.

I FIGURE WHAT THE HELL,

HE GET MAD ALL I NEED'S A FLIGHT

OF STAIRS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S OKAY.

YOU CAN LAUGH.

YOU CAN LAUGH.

AH, YOU NEED A SENSE OF HUMOR.

YOU GOT TO HAVE A DIVERSION

'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING...

LIKE EVERYTHING NOW IS MESSED

UP.

EVERYTHING'S SERIOUS, MAN.

SPORTS?

REMEMBER WHEN SPORTS WERE JUST

FUN, RIGHT?

YOU JUST WATCHED SPORTS AND GET

AWAY AND ENJOY IT?

NOW, MAN, SPORTS HAVE BEEN

RUINED BECAUSE ATHLETES HAVE

BECOME CRIMINALS.

AND ATHLETES ARE NOT JUST

CRIMINALS.

THEY ARE THE WORST CRIMINALS

IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

REALLY, ATHLETES GET CAUGHT

DOING THE DUMBEST THINGS, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW ABOUT

THIS DAMON STOUDEMAYER, RIGHT,

HE PLAYS BASKETBALL FOR THE

PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS.

HE GOT CAUGHT TRYING TO SMUGGLE

WEED ON AN AIRPLANE.

YOU KNOW WHY THEY CAUGHT HIM?

BECAUSE HE HID IT IN ALUMINUM

FOIL.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE METAL DETECTORS ARE

SOMETHING NEW NO ONE'S EVER

HEARD OF.

HE HAD TO BE THE ONLY GUY AT THE

AIRPORT LIKE, "BEEP, BEEP."

"HEY, WHAT'S THAT, MAN?

WHY IS THIS THING BEEPING?

WHAT IS THIS THEY'VE ADDED?"

REALLY, MAN.

KOBE?

I'M IN L.A., ALL THE LAKER FANS

UPSET ABOUT KOBE.

"OH, MY GOD.

DID KOBE THIS, KOBE THAT...?"

YOU KNOW, AND I DON'T KNOW

WHETHER KOBE'S GUILTY OR NOT,

AND I DON'T GET INTO ALL OF

THAT.

BUT I'M GONNA TELL YOU, MAN,

THERE'S A GROUP OF PEOPLE

REALLY MAD AT KOBE RIGHT NOW.

KNOW WHO'S MAD AT KOBE?

EVERY OTHER PLAYER IN THE NBA.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HE MESSED AROUND

ON HIS WIFE AND BOUGHT HER A

$4 MILLION RING.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

THAT'S THE NEW MINIMUM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE.

WOMEN GET UPSET.

THEY GO, "OH REALLY?

WHAT... WHAT'S THIS?

A $1 MILLION RING?

WHAT?

DID THAT BITCH GET MY 3 MILLION,

TOO?"

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'

TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT ME.

WASN'T ALWAYS A COMIC.

USED TO DO HONEST WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

SERIOUSLY, I USED TO HAVE A REAL

JOB.

I USED TO BE AN AIRPLANE

MECHANIC.

'TIL THEY STARTED DRUG TESTING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW

IT WAS TIME TO LET THAT ONE GO.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT THAT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "IS THAT TRUE?

DID YOU REALLY DO DRUGS?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH!"

"WHY WOULD YOU DO DRUGS?"

"THEY WORK!"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HAD TO GIVE IT UP, MAN.

I HAD TO...

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT BUSTED.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT WAS IT FOR ME

MAN, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO JAIL.

BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO JAIL,

DON'T GO!

[LAUGHTER]

REALLY.

NO, 'CAUSE GUYS ARE TOUGH

IN JAIL, MAN, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE LIKE I TALK A LOT OF,

YOU KNOW, I START, I MAKE FUN OF

PEOPLE.

I TALK LIKE I'M TOUGH.

BUT I'M NOT THAT TOUGH, MAN.

YEAH, I GREW UP IN NEW YORK.

BUT I GREW UP IN THE SUBURBS,

YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE AN ANGRY SUBURBAN

NEGRO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M BAD IN LIKE STARBUCKS,

YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I'LL HURT YOU OVER A

FRAPPUCCINO, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU GO TO JAIL THAT

FRAPPUCCINO LINE DON'T GO FAR.

IT WAS TOUGH.

SO I HAD TO MAKE A DEAL TO GET

OUT.

YOU KNOW, SO I MADE A DEAL.

I AGREED TO GO TO REHAB.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT WAS COOL

'CAUSE I GRADUATED, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T REALLY GRADUATE

FROM NOTHIN' ELSE YOU KNOW.

SO, WHEN I GRADUATED FROM REHAB,

THEY GAVE ME A CERTIFICATE,

WHICH WAS GREAT 'CAUSE THAT GAVE

MY MOTHER SOMETHING TO HANG ON

THE WALL, RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

SERIOUSLY.

'CAUSE I THINK THAT'S ALL

MOTHERS REALLY WANT OUT OF LIFE,

SOMETHING THEY CAN HANG ON

THE WALL.

SO YOU GO TO MY HOUSE, RIGHT,

AND YOU'LL SEE LIKE MY BROTHER

HAS HIS MBA AND THEN MY SISTER

HAS HER PH.D. AND THEN I GOT

MY LITTLE REHAB CERTIFICATE,

YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND MOM KNOWS SHE DONE

ALL RIGHT, SEE, SO THAT'S GOOD.

BUT NAH, IT WAS COOL.

SEE THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO

AND I MADE IT THROUGH A LOT

BUT I'M STILL SINGLE.

YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY I'M STILL

SINGLE.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS COOL BEING

SINGLE UNTIL SOMETHING THAT

NO SINGLE MAN SHOULD EVER DO.

I WENT TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND.

[LAUGHTER]

YEP.

JUST WALKED RIGHT IN THERE, MAN.

NOW I KNOW HOW WOMEN FEEL

WHEN THEY TALK TO CAR MECHANICS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU HAD THAT

VAGUE SENSE YOU'RE BEING

RIPPED OFF, RIGHT?

BUT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW

WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

'CAUSE I WENT IN THERE, RIGHT,

AND I NEEDED SHEETS FOR THE BED.

SO I GOT $50.

I'M GONNA BUY SHEETS FOR THE

BED, RIGHT?

LOOK, SHE'S SHAKING HER HEAD

ALREADY.

SHE'S LIKE, "WOW, HE DIDN'T LOOK

STUPID."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY JUST STARTED SELLING ME

STUFF, MAN.

THEY SOLD ME A DUVET COVER.

AND I DON'T HAVE A DUVET.

I DON'T THINK.

AND THEN THEY STARTED TREATING

ME LIKE I'M THE IDIOT.

THEY'RE LIKE "DO YOU HAVE A

COMFORTER?"

YEAH.

"WELL, YOU GOT TO PROTECT IT!"

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS UNDER

ATTACK!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH YEAH, APPARENTLY THERE'S SOME

UNKNOWN STUFF ATTACKING THE BED

WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

AND THEN THEY SOLD ME THE BED

RUFFLE.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THAT PROTECTS

UNDER THE BED 'CAUSE APPARENTLY

I'M BEING ATTACKED HIGH AND LOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS A

SCAM, BECAUSE IF YOU CAN STOP IT

WITH A RUFFLE, HOW TOUGH COULD

IT REALLY BE?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Alonzo Bodden: 'CAUSE THEY SAY

A GOOD WOMAN WILL MAKE YOU A

BETTER MAN, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY, RIGHT?

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PROBLEM IS GOOD WOMEN AIN'T

MY TYPE.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER HAD NO USE FOR

GOOD WOMEN, MAN.

KNOW WHAT I LIKE?

I LIKE PSYCHO CHICKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO, MAN.

I LOVE PSYCHOS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE SEX WITH A PSYCHO,

OH MY GOD!

YEAH, YOU HOOK UP WITH A PSYCHO,

YOU GONNA LEARN SOMETHING.

FIRST THING YOU LEARN IS

HOW TO SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEM GIRLS CAN BE DANGEROUS.

I DO, MAN.

BUT I GOT TO GIVE ALL THAT UP.

GOT TO GIVE IT ALL UP.

FIND A GOOD WOMAN.

I DON'T DISCRIMINATE, EITHER,

MAN.

LOVE ALL WOMEN.

I DO.

I LIKE BLACK WOMEN.

LOVE WHITE WOMEN, TOO.

THAT'S RIGHT, I'LL SAY IT.

I LIKE WHITE WOMEN.

THAT'S WHY I CAN'T HATE

WHITE MEN 'CAUSE WE NEED THEM

FOR BREEDING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE SOMETIME BE HANGING WITH

THE BROTHERS, THEY GET A LITTLE

MILITANT ON ME.

THEY BE LIKE, "KILL WHITEY!"

I'M LIKE, "SLOW DOWN.

LET'S THINK THIS THROUGH NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

NO, IT REALLY, MAN, I LOVE

WOMEN.

I LOVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, MAN.

THAT'S PART OF MY PROBLEM.

I GET HOOKED ON THE WHOLE

PHYSICAL BEAUTY THING, MAN.

LIKE FAKE BOOBS, YOU KNOW.

I LOVE 'EM.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I LIVE IN L.A. AND THAT'S

ALL WE GOT.

LIKE IN SEATTLE, THEY GOT RAIN.

IN L.A., WE GOT FAKE BOOBS,

YOU KNOW.

THAT'S WHY IT COST MORE

TO LIVE IN L.A., SEE.

BUT REALLY, MAN.

IT'S SO BAD WITH ME, LIKE I'LL

SEE REAL ONES, I'LL BE LIKE,

"OOOH, STARTER SET."

AND THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT NICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IT'S GETTING HARD, MAN.

THE MAN-WOMAN GAME'S GETTING

HARD, MAN.

YOU NEED A GIMMICK TO PICK UP

WOMEN NOW.

SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING ON IT.

THEY ARE.

SCIENTISTS ARE TRYING TO INVENT

VIAGRA FOR WOMEN.

IT'S BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS.

THEY CALL IT "CASH".

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

REALLY.

NOW I'M NOT SAYING ALL WOMEN ARE

GOLD DIGGERS.

BUT LADIES YOU KNOW, THERE ARE

CERTAIN THINGS YOU CAN DO THAT

MEN CAN NOT DO.

A WOMAN CAN GO OUT WITH NO MONEY

AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

EVERY WOMAN IN HERE KNOWS IT,

THE TIGHTER THE MONEY,

THE TIGHTER THE DRESS.

YOU BE DANCING, DRINKING;

JUST HAVING A BALL.

GUY GO OUT WITH NO MONEY,

HE'S GONNA BE A LONELY, THIRSTY

SON OF A BITCH, ALL RIGHT.

WEAR TIGHT PANTS, HIS ASS WILL

CHAFE, THAT'S WHAT HE'LL GET.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KIDDING?

I'VE BEEN TO CLUBS WHERE WOMEN

DON'T EVEN KNOW DRINKS COST

MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DON'T.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY HAVE CLEAVAGE,

AND CLEAVAGE IS LIKE CURRENCY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, YOU DON'T

PAY.

JUST LEAN FORWARD AND THEY'RE

FREE."

REALLY.

AND I AIN'T MAD AT YOU LADIES,

I AIN'T MAD AT YOU.

I'M JEALOUS, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO

MALE EQUIVALENT FOR CLEAVAGE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF YOU COULD

SHOW PART OF YOUR PENIS AND GET

A FREE DRINK?

MAN, THERE'D BE SWORD FIGHTS

BREAKING OUT IN BARS ALL OVER

THE PLACE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU GUYS FOR LAUGHING.

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

THANK YOU!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

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