August 17, 2016 - Lewis Black

  • 08/17/2016

A Chinese swimmer makes waves by mentioning her period, and Larry discusses the state of the 2016 presidential race with Lewis Black, Ricky Velez and Rory Albanese.

Yes. Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much. -AUDIENCE(chanting): Larry! Larry!

Thank you.Thank you very much. Thank you.

Please, have a seat.Thank you so much.

Please. Thank you very much.

(whooping, cheering)

You're very kind.Welcome to The Nightly Show.

-Thank you.-MAN: Love you, Larry!

I love you too. I do.I really do.

I am Larry Wilmoreand I will be your host, um,

well, at leastfor the next two days.

And, uh... It's true.

By the way, you do not want tomiss next week's shows, guys.

Guaranteed to resonate.

(mouths)

All right. Anyhow...

Sorry. I don't know what...

Okay, okay, so here's the deal:so, last night, okay,

I got to admit, I got a littleboozy off some good cable wine.

-(cheering, applause)-Right?

From, uh, a show...

That was-that was from our palsover at Team Bee.

Uh, that was so nice of them.

I mean, I was so hungover,I... I just...

I was, like, I just didn't care.So I was thinking, okay,

tonight, I'mdoing the show sober.

I can't... I can'tdo that to my audience.

Why would I do... UntilStephen Colbert sent over this.

(cheering, applause)

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Apparently... apparently,

he robbed an airlineor something, or...

You know...

raided some kind ofa-a mini-bar or something.

So let's just see.

Mm-hmm.

(humming)

Mm-hmm.

(cheering, applause)

I ain't mad at him.

Mmm.

That's some goodnetwork booze there, you guys.

All right, I'll be boozingon that at the show. All right.

Uh... I'm alreadyslurring my words, gu...

Now, tomorrow night'sour last show,

and before we get there,um, I just got to say,

you better step up,rest of late night--

Daddy needs some morejuice, okay?

I'm looking at you, Last Week Tonight.

-Looking at you.-(cheering, applause)

Okay. But...

But before we sign off,one last check-in

with the 2016 Rio Olympic Games.

This is a toilet.

I'm really gonna miss that, man.

I'm really gonna miss it.

It's a toilet. It's a toilet.

One of the mostsurprising moments

in this summer's Olympics

came from Chinese swimmerFu Yuanhui

moments after her team lost, uh,

the 4 x 1 medley relayon Sunday.

(speaking Chinese)

Wow.

Her period?

Oh, my God.But that's odd--

why would we be bringing upthis story right now?

-I don't...-(siren wails)

Oh, my God!I know what that means.

-(cheering, applause)-It must be Tampon Tuesday.

But wait, that can't be true.No, no, no, it's Wednesday.

Oh, my God-- it must be

Tampon TuesdayWednesday Edition.

All right. Okay.

Please welcome the ladiesof The Nightly Show everybody.

(cheering, applause)

Thank you, guys. Thank you.Thank you. And thank you, Larry!

We appreciate it. You know...

(stomping)

Larry, it was so refreshingto hear Fu Yuanhui talk

-about her periodafter that race. -Yes. -Yes.

Yeah, she normalized itfor millions of people watching,

and she's being hailed as a heroin China and all over the world.

-(cheering and applause)-(whoops) -Yes. Yes. Yes! -Yes.

Yes, now it is cool topublicly attend the Red Wedding.

Uh, so maybe now Tampaxwill start offering

some sweet endorsement moneyfor every athlete competing

in the monthly Flow-lympics.

-Yeah.-Yeah!

Yeah, why does it always haveto be sneakers and Gatorade?

Why can't it be somethingwe actually use?

-Mmm. -Exactly.I think networks should go

-all periods all the time. Yeah.-Ooh. I like that. -Yeah. -Yes.

PBS?The Period Broadcasting Service.

-Yes! -Check.-Oh! Yep, yep.

Yeah. NPR?National Period Radio.

-Oh! Like it! -Check.-Ooh... -Right, right?

MSNBC?

PMSNBC.

-Yeah! -Yep. Yep. Yep.-Right, right?

Women always get (bleep) donewhile surfing the crimson wave.

We don't just run in fieldswearing all white.

-Sometimes we're actuallywinning gold medals. -Mm-hmm.

Uh, hello. Uh, but this womanis a shining example

of a long lineof female athletes bleeding

from their wherevers.

Yes. Yes.

-After all, why do you thinkthey called her Flo-Jo? -Okay?

She was constantly ridingthe cotton pony, like a boss.

-Mmm! -So we just want to givea huge shout-out to Fu Yuanhui

for keeping it 100, even on dayswhen she's feeling 75.

Yes. Yes!

-(cheering and applause)-Yay.

Period.

Get it, guys? Get it? Period?

-Yeah, we got it. -We get it.-Period? You guys get it?

All right. Hey, Hollywood,I'm available after tomorrow.

(cheering and applause)

Another installmentof Tampon Tuesday:

Wednesday Edition, everybody!

All right.

Now, um, as I said,

uh, tomorrow night's our lastshow, and in the past few days,

we've tried to coverour favorite topics:

politics, race, Tampon Tuesdays.

Uh, but something dear to myheart that I want to make sure

I get to before we'reoff the air is not forgetting

about mother(bleep).

(cheering and applause)

That's right, mother(bleep)!I haven't forgotten about you!

Another legal setbackfor Bill Cosby's defense team.

A federal appeals courthas rejected their attempt

to reseal testimonythat Cosby gave back in 2005

about havingextramarital affairs

and getting Quaaludesto give to women.

Mm-hmm.

That's right. Your testimonyon giving Quaaludes to women

for the purposes of having sexwith them is out there for good.

You can't just take stuff backonce it's out.

I learned that the hard waywhen I told Comedy Central,

"Fine, go ahead and cancel me."

People listenwhen you say (bleep).

It's a joke.I didn't say that, you guys.

It's a joke. They're like,"What the (bleep)?

That was Larry's fault, man!"No, I didn't say that.

I didn't say that.Another mother(bleep)

who will not escape my memoryis, uh, ousted Fox News CEO

and handsy sex ogre Roger Ailes.

REPORTER: Roger Ailes will begin advising Donald Trump,

helping him prep for those crucial presidential debates.

That's right.The man just doubled down

on creepinessand mother(bleep)-iness.

I mean, why would Donald Trumphire Roger Ailes,

a bloated, egomaniacal,rich, hate-spewing,

blonde-stalking,misogynistic husk of a human...

Wait, who was I talkingabout again? Trump or...

Hmm. I got...

I can't remember!I can't remember!

But, come on,this is terrible for Trump,

whose numbers with womenwere already awful

before he hiredthis gropey harass-hole.

But, all right... but these arejust unconfirmed reports

about Ailes working for him.I'm sure Trump advisor

Jack Kingston is going to denythis association, right?

Brianna, I don't thinkany campaign is going

to tell everything to everybody.

And they're under no obligationto say

who's goingto be speech coaches,

who's goingto be in the back room.

No!

All you needed to say was,

"Roger Ailes isn't advising us."

It's an easy answer,and you blew it.

It would be like someone asking,"Why is the sky blue?,"

and you answering,

"Well, you know,Hitler had some good ideas."

(laughter)

That's not a good answer!

Why... why are youbringing him up?

Now, look, I want to be clearabout something.

Sexual assault isn't justa Hollywood problem

or a cable news problem.

It happens on college campuses,

on dates, at the office,everywhere.

Well, with the possibleexception of Mars.

Uh, there you go.

The Curiosity Roveris totally woke on consent.

(applause and cheering)

Look, there's a reason Cosbyand Ailes

and other serial harassershave so many victims.

Because, for years,we let them get away with it.

Because when we tell victims

that their assaultsdidn't happen,

we also tell assailantsthat they don't need permission.

And when we protect powerfulmen, we make women invisible.

Look...

(cheers and applause)

Look...

I know...I know I'm a man saying this,

but, men,we need to do the work, too,

because I already have way toomany mother(bleep) to remember.

I don't need any more.

-We'll be right back.-(cheers and applause)

Welcome back!

Now, a lot of peoplehave told me

that they're depressedabout our show getting canceled,

so we thoughtwe'd cover a subject

that will make you even moredepressed-- the opioid epidemic.

That's right. It's timefor our last Nightly Show

Super Depressing Deep Dive.Take a look.

MALE NARRATOR: Hi. Hey, you good? Not for long.

Welcome to another Nightly Show

Super Depressing Deep Dive.

Everyone's talking about them.

One of the greatest publichealth crises of our time,

the opioid epidemic.

MAN: An epidemic of drug abuse.

We are seeing more people killed

because of opioid overdosethan traffic accidents.

(tires squealing, static)

NARRATOR: So how did this happen?

It starts with pain.

-(groaning) -People hate pain, mainly because it's painful,

and opioids take that pain and turn it into...

♪ Magic body warmth!

Opioids are any opium-like compound, like morphine,

invented in 1827 and advertised to children.

Yes, that baby won't cry.

Well, until you take away its sweet, sweet morphine.

(crying)

In 1898, Bayer tried

to make a less-addictive morphine called... heroin.

♪ Heroin!

Now, selling legal heroin may sound crazy,

but this is during the time

when you could get cocaine in Coca-Cola, and doctors thought

your skull shape determined how smart you were.

Phrenology.

In the 1970s and '80s, most doctors avoided opioids

as long-term pain relief

because of the whole addiction thing.

But in 1995, Purdue Pharmaceuticals--

sadly not a branch of Perdue Chicken--

marketed the safest opioid of all.

♪ Oxycontin! Oxycontin!

And everyone was happy and pain-free forever. The end.

JK. Pain is life. It will never go away.

-Like U2 and Guy Fieri. -(boy shouts)

And hey, it turns out Oxycontin is crazy addictive,

but to make it seem mega-awesome, Purdue handed out

branded promotional items, like fishing hats and CDs.

Yes, that's the title. It isn't even clever,

like Oxycontin-Eyed Joe!

There were also plush toys,

which we couldn't find images of,

so we assume they look like this.

TOY BEAR:Hug me. I can't feel pain.

(winding down):I'm a bear...

And to help ease everyone's fear of addiction,

Purdue created videos with super trustworthy dudes.

They don't wear out.They go on working.

They do not haveserious medical side effects.

Thank you kindly, doctor-type guy

who was totally not paid to say that.

I bet he was paid to say that.

A year later, opioid prescriptions

jumped by $11 million.

Those are some Viagra-level numbers, but without the ads

that make you think of your parents doing it.

Sales of Oxycontin went from $44 million in 1996...

MAN:Triple-decker yacht money!

...to $1.5 billion in 2002.

MEN:Ya-Ya-Yacht jet!

By 2012, doctors wrote more than 259 million prescriptions

for opioids-- enough to give a bottle

to every adult in America.

You don't have to be a chicken scientist

to know that when everyone's got opioids,

opioid overdoses are going to skyrocket.

More than 165,000 people have died of causes

related to painkiller use since 1999,

including the men who love to party like it's 1999.

NEWSWOMAN: Tests show the music icon Prince

died of an opioid overdose.

NARRATOR: That's right, those greedy drug company bastards

mother(bleep) killed...

Mother(bleep) Prince.

Jesus (bleeping)...

(man grunting à la Prince)

Or... maybe the drug companies didn't know.

Maybe they were innocent pawns

in this game of chance we call life.

I'm just playing. Of course they knew.

The L.A. Times reported that Purdue marketed Oxycontin

as a 12-hour drug when they knew

it often only worked for eight, leading patients

to experience withdrawal and want higher,

more dangerous doses-- which means we were lied to

by kindly CD-hat doctor-type guy.

They do not haveserious medical side effects.

What the (bleep), dude? They hid the evidence

of illegal Oxy rings, and in 2007,

they lost a $635 million lawsuit

and three executives pleaded guilty in misbranding the drug

and downplaying the risk of addiction.

Even Big Tobacco was like, "Damn, you guys are scumbags."

That lawsuit was known years ago,

but we're only addressing this crisis now. Why?

For the first timein any first-world country,

the death rate for white,

middle-aged peopleis on the rise.

Yep, opioids became a national epidemic

-because it became a... -♪ White people problem

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba.

Hashtag it. Now hospitals and doctors

feel super bad about hurting white people,

so they're cracking down on overprescribing and abuse.

So... is it all better?

-(children cheer) -Yeah. Wait.

No. Because when addicts stop getting opioids,

they turn to the next best thing.

♪ Heroin...

That's right, our old friend heroin is back.

It's like opioid fast food--

cheap, easy, and it's colorful mascots

will haunt your nightmares for eternity.

So now there's a new white people problem.

The Nantucket Polo Club is full of heroin addicts.

(horses neighing)

And if that wasn't fun enough, Big Pharma still makes billions

off our pain by selling opioids,

and we still don't have an effective,

non-addictive chronic pain medication.

Now we just have heroin killing more people than ever.

Depressed? Good.

Then my job here is done.

This has been another Nightly Show

Super Depressing Deep Dive. Sweet dreams.

-(whooping, cheering, applause)-Yep, I think we're all now

sufficiently depressed.We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Welcome back.

I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Ricky Velez.

(cheers and applause)

And Nightly Show contributorRory Albanese.

(cheers and applause)

And he's currently on his, uh,

The Emperor's New Clothes:The Naked Truth Tour.

And next month, for four nightsonly, he'll be performing

his show Black to the Future on Broadway

at the Marquis Theatre,comedian Lewis Black.

(cheers and applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so, even thoughI have zero (bleep)

-to give at this point...-(laughter)

-I've got plenty of boozeto give. -ALBANESE: All right.

Courtesy of the Colbert show,man.

This is great.We got little bottles here.

Uh... Stephen was in his hotela little too long.

Well, a lot of little bottles,Larry, add up to one big bottle.

-So...-WILMORE: Oh, there you go.

ALBANESE:Are they taking résumés?

-WILMORE: Uh...-(laughter)

We'll cover that later.

Uh, all right, so,

as you're pouring your drinks,let's get started.

-Lewis, I'm so glad you're here,by the way. -Well, thank you.

-I couldn't think of anybodyelse... -Thank you.

...that I wouldrather have on the...

on our second-to-last showthan Lewis Black.

Well, uh, you know,it's an honor to... to be here.

-WILMORE: Oh, no.-No, seriously.

-I was here at the beginning andhere at the end. -WILMORE: Yes.

You helped start us off, man.

And Al Roker said no,so thanks, Lewis, really.

(laughter)

Uh, so I just got to get your...I don't even have a question.

I just want to know, what's yourwhole take on this election?

What-what... what is yourfeeling on this whole thing?

Well, i-it's-it's... it-it-it...at some point, it has to...

it has to stop!

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

It's just... it's over and overand over and over.

Same... every day!

(grunting and moaning)

It's... it's a vomitorium.

We would be better offas a people if they just

covered it and they went,"Okay, here's Donald Trump."

And you had a duckthat was quacking.

It's just, "Quack, quack, quack,quack, quack."

And then... you went...and here's Hillary,

and you get a little Chihuahua.

(barking)

And that's it!

It's senseless!

WILMORE:I understand. I agree.

-Um...-When are we gonna...

-A-And...-Right.

-if you want to do itthis long... -Yeah.

-This is really helping me.-Yeah.

If you want to do it this long,

-Mm-hmm.-then it has to stop, uh,

on-on Memorial Day weekenduntil Labor Day.

-Just shut up!-Yeah, yeah.

-It's...-I like that.

It's the (bleep) summer!

-(laughing): Right.-Okay?

It's not just summer for kids

so that they can go to a pooland do their crap!

-It's for adults!-Yeah.

It's adults!

It's our time!

-Don't bother me!-I... exactly. I agree.

(cheers and applause)

WILMORE: Uh...

Give me a recipe!

Give me a new recipe for ribs!

WILMORE: Yeah.

That's what thisgoddamn time is about.

So, what you're saying isthis doesn't move you at all.

-Um...-(laughter)

VELEZ:Time out.

-I just want to say I feel-Yeah.

-the same way he does,-Yes.

but I got a Xanax prescription.

-WILMORE: Yeah.-(laughter)

-WILMORE: Exactly.-ALBANESE: Seriously.

You want to know... you wantto know something crazy,

so-so does Lew.

(laughter)

You should see himwhen he's not on it.

-It's (bleep) great. -But youknow what's interesting,

I always wondered,do you think people

are still gonna be dissatisfied?

There's a lot of problems thatjust can't be fixed right now.

A lot of thosemanufacturing jobs,

I don't care what Trump says,they're just not coming back.

-They're just not. -Well, Trumpis one of the rea...

I mean, you know,everyone's sending them overseas

because it's cheaper,you know, so...

You know, it's like, y-y...look, I think we know

a little thing or two aboutbeing out of work, right, Larry?

-WILMORE: Right.-The, um...

(laughter)

The thing is, you can't...

you can't... I'm sorry.

Okay, let it go, Rory,let it go.

Mom, come pick me up!

WILMORE:Let me ask you, look...

Do you think Trump destroyedthe Republican party?

'Cause it seems like,it seems like

he left a trail of tearsbehind him.

Well, y-you know,

I think the Republican partylet, uh, you know,

-let itself be destroyed by him.-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

Because they wanted, as-asthe media did, uh, eyeballs.

We want to get as many peoplewatching as possible,

so we're going to bring him in,'cause people are going to watch

because he's just, uh, you know,

he-he's... uh...

(laughter)

-I didn't know...-WILMORE : Yeah.

I did so many drugs in my youth,

I didn't know if that laughwas inside my head.

-WILMORE: Yes.-(laughter)

-ALBANESE: Right, yeah.-VELEZ: Yeah.

You know, I'm not going to lie,since, uh, since...

since that announcementon Monday,

Ricky's given me so many drugs,

I thought it was in my head,too, so there.

We're so high, we're goingto show up to work on Monday.

(laughter)

BLACK:Yeah, I think that...

That was the beginningof the end.

And they, and at...

Look, as soon as he said,you know,

"Boy, those Mexicans, they'repouring in over the border.

"They're raping,they're pillaging,

"they're eatingall the avocados.

There's no shrimp dip."

As soon as he said that...

He's got a problemwith the avocado eating?

ALBANESE:He does.

I had no idea thatwas the situation.

It was after the rapingand pillaging.

WILMORE: He is...he's extremely protectionist.

You know, but as soonas he said that,

any-any party with any moralcompass whatsoever would go,

"Well you know what?You can run.

You just can't runas a Republican."

But that was-- but that wasthe moment in time...

WILMORE: They didn't say that,right, they did not say that.

when people began to watch andwent, "Wow! Boy! This is great!

This will be funto (bleep) watch!"

But look at...But, honestly, though,

look at the other,look at the other 15 people,

-16 people that were in it.-WILMORE: I think it was 30.

-Was it 30 in the beginning?-No, I don't know-- I have no...

I mean, who in that groupis going to rise to the top?

Like, Chris Christie is a joke,you know.

Um, Ted Cruz is... we all knowhe's a serial killer.

-You know, I mean...-Who hooked up...

ALBANESE: These are all,these are all just facts.

These are just facts, you know?

Have you ever seena candidate disqualified

'cause someone said he hadlow energy?

What is that?!

I mean, what votersbelieved that?

That's what I don't get.

Like, you're a voterat home going,

"Let's see,I like this Jeb Bush, you know.

"He was a good governor--oh, wait.

-"Trump said he has low energy.-Yeah.

Well, I'm not going to votefor him now."

But even without Trumpsaying that,

Jeb Bush was doing stuff likemaking speeches and going,

"Please clap," you know,and you're like, "Nah.

You're done. I don't wantto vote for you anymore."

What was shockingwhen I saw him run,

-when Jeb Bush started,-WILMORE: Yeah.

-you know, showing up...-Right.

You know, because for yearsyou heard he's the smart one.

-ALBANESE: Genius, yeah, yeah.-(laughter)

-It was like, wow!-Yeah.

Wow, if I... if i had known...

-If we'd only known that!-WILMORE: Right.

It's such an unbelievablylow bar we've set in America.

-He's the smart one.-ALBANESE: Yeah.

All right, we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause)