Tone Bell explains why he doesn't want to meet his cousin's baby, reveals why he can't smoke weed and tells a story about a bank that doesn't take cash.
talking with my Grandfather for a couple hours.
I mean, it's like, two hours,
everything's great,everything's great.
He's remembering everything.
He asking about my career.
He's like,"What girl you dating now?"
He's telling meabout his day-to-day.
And I'm just like, "Oh, man,Grandpa's doing great."
I'm like, "Let's go to lunch."
He goes, "Man, I got groceries.
Why don't you just gomake some sandwiches?"
No problem.So I go in the kitchen,
and I'm just, like, pouringjuice, pouring chips on a plate,
and my grandfather just yellsat me from the other room,
"Hey, Tone,when you get a second,
"come check out this jacket!
"I don't think you everseen this jacket!
It's a cold-ass jacket!"
"All right, Grandpa,I'll be there in a second.
"Let me grab these sandwichesand this juice,
and I'll be there in a minute."Right?
So I grab the sandwichesand the juice and I walk back
in my granfather's room,my grandfather's standing
in the middle of the room,butt-naked with a blazer on.
"What you think?"
I was like, "Goddamn. Ah!
"Man, where your pants and yourunderwear at? This is awkward.
"What if somebody walks in hereand sees us?
This ain't gonna look right."
He goes, "Man, you supposedto be looking at the jacket.
"That's a nice jacket,but what if somebody...
"This is not gonnalook right, man.
You need to put some pants andsome underwear on or something."
He goes, "I'm tryingto show you this jacket,
and you looking at my balls."
I said, "I'm not... I'm not...
"I'm not. I wasn't. I am now.
"Why are your balls so long?
You got long-ass balls."
Like, tetherball long, okay?
Like, two eight ballsin a tube sock long.
He get an attitude.
"Man, you wish you had ballslike these.
You know, long ballsrun in our family."
I was like, "First of all,that's gross.
Second of all,how you know that?"
I'm like, "Grandpa, man, do mea favor, put some pants on,
"some underwear on or something,'cause I would hate
for you to be walkingaround the house and trip."
That's the last thing I need.
My grandfatherwalking around the house,
balls wrapped around his ankles.
He trip, hit his headon the coffee table.
Like, he's passed out.
I got to call the police and theambulance and explain this shit.
And they get to the house,"Oh, my God,
"why is your grandfatherlaying on the floor,
"butt-naked with a blazer on?
Oh, I'm sorry.Are these his balls?"
What am I supposed to say?
"Man, you supposed to belooking at the jacket."
I got a cousin who just,like, doing the right way.
My cousin Gary's, like,
married, bought a house,got a kid.
I'm in St . Louis, I'm downtown.
I'm, like,"Yo, man, I'm downtown.
Come have a beer with me."
He's like, "Man,come out to the house.
Come see the baby."
I'm like, "Nah."
He's like, "You don'twant to see the baby?"
I was like, "I-I don't."
He's like, "Why?"
I'm like, "I-I seen one."
What does it do?
Does it do new stuff?
It's brand-new.Does it do tricks?
I'm pretty sure it don't do shityet, you know what I mean?
But is it missing something?
Because if it's missingsomething, I'm on my way.
I gotta see that. I have...I must, must see.
'Cause people, you know,any time people do new stuff
they want you to care about ithow they care about it.
I'm like, "Look, man,I just don't care like you."
Stop care-raping me.
Don't make me care againstmy will, you know what I mean?
It's awkward.It's awkward.
'Cause, like,right when it happened,
couple months ago,right when it happened,
you know, people always send,he sends, uh,
he sends a picture,he sends me a text right away,
he send me a text.
"Hey, Tone,we just had the baby.
7 pounds, 8 ounces.Can't believe I'm a dad."
Happy for him.Send him a text right back.
"Hey, man, got to behonest with you.
I don't know how much babiesare supposed to weigh."
That sounds likea good amount, though.
Is that about average?
'Cause if it's average,you did that shit, man.
I'm proud of you.
But I'm a single dude.I don't know.
Give it to mein something I know.
Like, how many Whoppers is that?Is that, like, four Whoppers?
That's some good weight.
And then I say, "congrats,"'cause I'm a nice dude.
And mainly 'cause I cannot spell"congratulations" to save my...
I just dothe abridged version.
And then right before I pressed"send" on the congrats,
he sends a picture, and...
and let me tell you something--it was too quick.
It was too quick.
Like, like it wasfresh out, okay?
Like, it was still hot.There's steam coming off of it.
I'm, like, "Yo, man,
you better wipe that mother(bleep) off first."
Dip it in some water.Take a ShamWow to it.
Clean it up, clean it up.
Why are there hot Cheetosall over your baby?