CC Presents: Aries Spears

  • Season 9, Ep 15
  • 05/19/2005

YEAH, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE HOME

BACK HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.

Y'ALL GOOD, EVERYBODY GOOD?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I SEE EVERYBODY HERE.

WE GOT A NICE MIXING,

MELTING POT OF PEOPLE HERE.

WE GOT SOME BLACK FOLKS,

SOME WHITE FOLKS, AND HOW YOU

DOIN', BLACK PEOPLE?

[CHEERING]

THERE WAS A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE

THAT WAS, "HEY!"

IT AIN'T EVEN FEBRUARY AND

Y'ALL CHIMING IN.

THAT'S GOOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WANT Y'ALL TO KNOW,

JUST 'CAUSE I TALK ABOUT WHITE

PEOPLE I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK

I DON'T LIKE Y'ALL.

I LIKE Y'ALL.

I DO A LOT OF FUN THINGS WITH

Y'ALL.

YOU KNOW, BUT I CAN'T DRINK WITH

Y'ALL 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I DO

A SHOW, AFTER THE SHOW,

WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU

TO DRINK WITH THEM.

LIKE, "C'MON, C'MON, LET'S GO

DRINK."

YA KNOW, AND I LIKE Y'ALL,

I JUST CAN'T DRINK WITH Y'ALL.

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL ARE

THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPS OF

DRINKING.

CAN'T NOBODY OUT DRINK Y'ALL.

Y'ALL DRINK 'TIL Y'ALL FALL

THE HELL OUT, YOU KNOW.

SEE BLACK PEOPLE, WE LIKE TO GET

OUR GROOVE ON AND WE DRINK

JUST ENOUGH AND WE TRY TO

PHILOSOPHIZE AND GET SMOOTH

ON YOU.

WE'LL FALL ASLEEP ON YOUR ASS.

WE TALK ABOUT "MAN, WE NEED

TO END THE HYPOCRISY OF

THE WHITE MAN AND [SNORES]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHITE PEOPLE BOY.

I KNOW WHEN WHITE PEOPLE

GET GOOD AND DRUNK TOO

'CAUSE Y'ALL GOT THAT NOISE

Y'ALL MAKE, Y'ALL GO, "WOOOO!"

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T SO THAT.

THAT SCARES ME.

AND I LIKE TO GO TO THE

FRAT HOUSE AND DRINK WITH

MY WHITE FRIENDS 'CAUSE ANYTIME

YOU GO DRINKING AT THE

FRAT HOUSE, WHITE BOYS BRING YOU

A DRINK AND HAND IT TO YOU LIKE

IT'S A TOP CIA SECRET, YA KNOW.

THEY'LL HAND ME MY DRINK AND

I'LL GO, "MAN, WHAT THE HELL IS

IN THIS?"

"DUDE, DON'T WORRY, DON'T ASK,

JUST DRINK IT."

"I'LL SEE YOU IN 20 MINUTES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEXT THING YOU KNOW I'M

BUCK NAKED STANDING ON THE

COFFEE TABLE WITH A COWBOY HAT

GOING, "WOOOOOOO!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO DON'T DRINK AROUND ME, MAN.

AND IT'S FUNNY, I JOKE

RACISM, BUT I GOT ADMIT YA KNOW,

BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE,

OUR RELATIONSHIPS HAVE GOTTEN

A LOT TIGHTER AND IT'S

UNFORTUNATE THAT IT HAD

TO HAPPEN BUT IT GOT TIGHTER

AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th.

'CAUSE I'M TELLING YOU AFTER

SEPTEMBER 11th, ARABS TOOK ALL

THE PRESSURE OFF US.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TELLING YOU.

THEY ARE THE NEW [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GET ON A PLANE NOW,

WHITE PEOPLE Y'ALL BE HAPPY

TO SEE US, "HEY BRO, C'MERE,

SIT NEXT TO ME, BRO.

HERE, COME HERE.

HERE HOLD MY DAUGHTER.

[PLOP]

I LOVE YA, [BLEEP], C'MERE."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR THEM,

IT'S CRAZY.

YA KNOW.

AND CERTAIN ASPECTS OF

THIS STUFF JUST AFFECTED PEOPLE

DIFFERENTLY.

LIKE I KNOW WHEN THE ANTHRAX

THING HIT, WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL

WAS VERY NERVOUS, YA KNOW.

Y'ALL WOULD COME UP TO ME

AT WORK AND WARN ME LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD ARIES, BE CAREFUL.

DON'T OPEN YOUR MAIL."

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

BLACK PEOPLE WAS NEVER

WORRIED ABOUT ANTHRAX

'CAUSE HALF THE TIME WE DON'T

OPEN OUR MAIL NO WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE MIGHT THINK THAT'S A BILL,

WE MIGHT HOLD IT TO LIGHT

AND GO, "THAT'S A RED SLIP

UN-HUH."

YOU WANT TO GET US WITH ANTHRAX,

PUT THAT IN A JAY Z CD,

THAT'S HOW YOU GET US.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HEY, I GO THAT NEW JIGGA...

OH, PFFF... MY GOD, OSAMA GOT ME

MOTHER [BLEEP]!"

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A TELL YOU, IT'S REALLY

WEIRD, I'M ORIGINALLY FROM HERE,

BUT I LIVE IN L.A. AND IT WAS

CRAZY 'CAUSE WHEN THAT THING

WENT DOWN MY PEOPLE FROM

BACK EAST CALLED ME HOME IN L.A.

SAID, "MAN, TURN ON THE TV,

YA KNOW, PLANE WAS TAKING OVER,

HOSTAGE SITUATION."

AND I SEEN THE MOVIES MAN,

SO WHEN I HEARD HOSTAGE

SITUATION, I AUTOMATICALLY

THOUGHT BIG ASS GUNS AND BOMBS

WAS USED.

THEY SAID HOMEMADE KNIVES.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A HOMEMADE

KNIFE IS CALLED?

IT'S CALLED A SHANK.

THAT'S A PRISON WEAPON,

WE INVENTED THAT.

THAT'S WHY I KNEW IT WASN'T

A PLANE FULL OF [BLEEP], YOU

GOT TO COME BETTER THAN THAT!

THAT CALL MIGHT HAVE BEEN

DIFFERENT LIKE, "OSAMA, WE ARE

TRYING TO TAKE OVER PLANE BUT

AS SOON AS WE PLAY OUT KNIFE,

ALL THE [BLEEP] SAY, OH NO,

YOU DIDN'T."

"I GOT TO GO.

I CALL YOU BACK.

HAGITABA ALLAH!"

IT WOULD BEEN A WHOLE DIFFERENT

PROGRAM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BROTHERS WOULD HAVE CALLED

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL LIKE,

"YEAH, THIS RAHEEM, THEY TRIED

TO GET IS WITH KNIVES.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

WOO!

OH NO, WE WHOOPED THEY ASS,

BUT WHERE THE MANUAL AT?

I NEED TO LAND THIS

MOTHER [BLEEP]."

WOULD A BEEN DIFFERENT, MAN.

I GOTTA APPLAUD THE WHITE PEOPLE

FOR COMING OUT.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE VERY BRAVE.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES IF BLACK PEOPLE

GO OUT AND WE DON'T SEE ENOUGH

OF US, WE FEEL LIKE WE AIN'T

MEANT TO BE THERE.

WE MIGHT START TO COME IN

AND GO, "OH, THIS IS NICE,

OH, WOW...

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I'M A GO HOME AND WATCH

THE KNICKS OR SOMETHING."

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL DO NOT

GET NERVOUS.

Y'ALL KNOW Y'ALL PLACE IN LIFE.

Y'ALL ARE VERY SECURE.

IF Y'ALL GO SOMEPLACE AND

DON'T SEE ENOUGH OF Y'ALL,

Y'ALL TAKE IT AS A CHALLENGE.

LIKE, "I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP],

I KNOW THE GUY WHO BUILT

THE BUILDING.

C'MON, WE'RE GOING IN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU TELL US.

YOU TELL US.

YOU GO, "WE'RE NOT SCARED OF

YOU NEGROES, WE'RE NOT SCARED.

WE KNOW ALL YOU'RE SAYINGS,

HOLLER, YEAH WHATEVER."

"YEAH, RAISE THE ROOF BRO,

WE KNOW, WE KNOW."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE THE WEED SMOKERS AT?

ANY WEED SMOKERS OUT HERE?

[SCATTERED CHEERS]

Y'ALL LYING.

Y'ALL COP'S, UN-HUH.

[LAUGHTER]

REAL WEED SMOKERS DON'T

YELL OUT, WE GOT CODES AND

SHHHH, IN THE BACK.

I KNOW WHO THE COPS ARE NOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

I LIKE TO SMOKE WEED AND WATCH

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.

YA KNOW, 'CAUSE I LIKE TO SEE

THE NATURE CHANNEL.

I LIKE TO SEE THE ANIMALS IN

THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

I LIKE TO SEE 'EM UP CLOSE,

YA KNOW.

BUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US

AND Y'ALL IS WE STAY IN THE

TRUCK.

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL GOT

SOMETHING CALLED, "UP CLOSE

AND PERSONAL."

THERE ARE CERTAIN NOISES BLACK

PEOPLE DON'T MESS WITH.

"MEOW", WE LIKE CATS.

"ARR ARR."

WE OWN DOGS.

[GROWLS]

[LAUGHTER]

[ROARS]

WE DON'T DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL HEAR...

[ROARS]

"WHAT'S THAT IN THE BUSHES?

[LAUGHTER]

HONEY, GET THE CAMCORDER,

LET'S DOCUMENT THIS."

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL BE ON REAL TV,

Y'ALL BE CHECKIN' STUFF OUT THAT

AIN'T YO BUSINESS.

Y'ALL WILL DO SOMETHING LIKE

TRANQUILIZE A LION AND HOLD HIM

'TIL HE WAKE UP.

AND THAT BE HEAVY TO Y'ALL,

Y'ALL BE IN THE CAMERA,

[BREATHING HEAVY] "WELL,

MY PARTNER BOB AND I, WE'VE

BEEN TRACKING THIS PARTICULAR

BEAST FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

HER NAME IS ATULU.

SHE'S SEVEN MONTHS OLD.

WE JUST SHOT HER WITH ABOUT

5 CC'S OF TETRICORTOLINE DARTS.

WHEN SHE GETS UP, SHE GONNA BE

[BLEEP] PISSED.

OH, MY GOD BOB, DO YOU FEEL YOUR

HEART POUNDING, THIS IS AWESOME.

OKAY, SHE'S GETTING UP... ROAR!

OH, MY GOD, SHE MAULED ME,

DID YOU GET THAT?"

AFRICANS DON'T EVEN BE OUT THERE

MESSING WITH THE LIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY GET MAD WHEN YOU

ASK 'EM, "MR. MATUMBU, WHY YOU

DON'T PLAY WITH THE LIONS?"

"I'M NOT [BLEEP] WITH THAT

MOTHER [BLEEP], [BLEEP] HIM,

AND [BLEEP] YOU!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"YOU THINK BECAUSE I'M AFRICAN,

I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

I NOT GOING--

I HAVE MY CHILDREN, MAGULU,

MANDULU AND OOHOO, I CAN'T

DO IT MESSING WITH THAT!

I WILL WAIT IN THE TRUCK WITH

THE RIDE, YOU BETTER COME,

I WILL LEAVE YOU

MOTHER [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TELL YA MAN, THAT'S WHY

I APPRECIATE ACCENTS,

I APPRECIATE OTHER CULTURES.

I THINK THAT'S THE KEY TO

RACISM MAN, YOU GOTTA BE WILLING

TO INVEST IN OTHER CULTURES,

'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY

I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOR YOU ARE,

EVERYBODY GOT SOMETHING TO BRING

TO THE TABLE.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, SAMPLE THAT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SAMPLE THAT!

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU COULD

BE MISSING.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE IF YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT

ACCENT YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH

A LOT OF STUFF MAN, YA KNOW?

YOU BE IN A CLUB AND SAY

SOMETHING FOUL TO A WOMEN IN

AN AMERICAN ACCENT, SHE MIGHT

SLAP THE [BLEEP] OUT YOU.

LIKE, "EXCUSE ME BABY, I DON'T

MEAN TO BOTHER YOU, BUT YOU GOT

A PHAT ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE TO TAKE YOU HOME AND BANG

THE [BLEEP] OUTCH YOU!"

"OH YOU BASTARD!"

[SLAPPING SOUND]

YOU GOT AN ENGLISH ACCENT,

THAT JUST ROLL OFF THE TONGUE

DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE [ENGLISH ACCENT]

"EXCUSE ME, I DON'T MEAN TO

BOTHER YOU, BUT I'D REALLY LIKE

TO TAKE YOU HOME, [BLEEP]

YOU DOGGIE STYLE FOR A LITTLE

BIT, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

THAT IS SEXY!

OH, MY GOD!

THAT IS SO SEXY!"

[CHEERING]

I TELL YA MAN, DON'T NOTHIN'

BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER LIKE

TRAGEDY THOUGH.

WHEN TRAGEDY STRIKES THAT'S

WHEN ALL THE RULES GO OUT THE

WINDOW, YA KNOW, 'CAUSE THAT'S

WHEN I BOND WITH PEOPLE.

LIKE YOU KNOW I HATE TO FLY,

EVEN BEFORE SEPTEMBER 11th.

I JUST ALWAYS BEEN SCARED OF

FLYING, 'CAUSE THAT'S A MESSED

UP WAY TO GO OUT.

THAT PLANE GO DOWN AND THEN IF

YOU SCARED TO FLY YOU CAN'T GO

SEE CERTAIN MOVIES 'CAUSE

THAT'LL REALLY MESS YOU UP.

LIKE I MADE THE MISTAKE AND SAW

THE MOVIE ALIVE.

Y'ALL REMEMBER THE MOVIE ALIVE?

SEE THAT WAS REAL SCARY 'CAUSE

NOT ONLY DID THE PLANE CRASH

BUT THEY HAD TO EAT DEAD PEOPLE

TO LIVE.

AND I'M THINKING THAT MIGHT NOT

BE SO BAD BUT WHAT IF DON'T

NO HELP COME FOR A LONG TIME

AND YOU DONE ATE EVERY PART OF

THE BODY BUT THE PENIS?

[LAUGHTER]

WOULD YOU EAT THAT?

FELLAS LIKE THE HELL WITH THAT,

WE BE EATIN' SNOW CONES ALL DAY!

[LAUGHTER]

BUT FOR SOMEBODY LIKE ME

WHO'S SCARED OF STUFF LIKE THAT,

THEY SHOULD RECAST THE MOVIE

SO IT'S NOT SO DARK.

LIKE BRING SOME LEVITY TO IT.

LIKE MAKE ALL THE SURVIVING

PASSENGERS BE FUNNY PEOPLE.

LIKE THE PLANE GO DOWN,

SURVIVING PASSENGERS BE LIKE

BILL COSBY, EDDIE MURPHY,

EDDIE MURPHY'S FAMILY FROM

NUTTY PROFESSOR AND LIKE WITH

THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY,

BRING BACK RED FOXX.

YA KNOW THE PLANE GO DOWN,

BILL COSBY BE LIKE THE LEADER OF

THE GROUP, [AS BILL] "COULD I

PLEASE HAVE EVERYBODY'S

ATTENTION, PLEASE?

SEE THE PLANE WAS FLYING

THROUGH THE AIR, WE'S GOING

THROUGH THE CLOUDS, WE'S...

[MUMBLING INTENTIONALLY]

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE TURBULENCE HIT THE WING

AND THE PLANE FELL INTO THE

SNOW, AND WE DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD

BECAUSE WHEN WE CRASHED, I LOST

MY SUITCASE WITH THE PUDDING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO THERE'S NOTHING LEFT BUT

THE PENIS.

EDDIE WILL YOU EAT THE PENIS?"

[AS EDDIE] "MAN, GET THE [BLEEP]

OUT.

KISS MY ASS RIGHT, CAUSE I KNOW

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN, I GONNA PUT

THE PENIS IN MY MOUTH, RESCUE

PEOPLE GONNA COME SAY, OH HE'S A

[BLEEP],

I BE EATIN' A PENIS.

I EAT [BLEEP]!

I EAT [BLEEP].

I BLOW IT OFF, KISS MY ASS,

[KISSING SOUND] TO HELL WITH

THAT.

[EDDIES' FAMOUS LAUGH]

THAT'S B.S., MAN.

HEY PAPA CLUMP, YOU GONNA

EAT IT?"

[AS PAPA] "AIN'T NOTHING WRONG

EATIN' THAT SHERMAN, GET THAT

IN YOUR COLON PLLLLT, AND YOU

FART THAT RIGHT OUT."

[AS MAMA] "RED, WHAT YOU

EATIN'?"

"I'LL EAT ANYBODY'S PENIS

'CEPT A MEXICAN.

I AIN'T EATIN' NO RAULIO, JULIO

OR CHARLIO.

MESSIN' UP YOUR DIARRHEA,

BE CRAPPING GUACAMOLE ALL OVER

THIS MOTHER."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I'M A BIG MOVIE FAN, YA KNOW.

I WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE CATS

LIKE WILL SMITH.

MAKE $20 DOLLARS A MOVIE.

AND I'M AT A VERY FRUSTRATING

POINT IN MY CAREER 'CAUSE

I'M NOT A MILLIONAIRE.

LIKE PEOPLE ASSUME 'CAUSE YOU

IN MOVIES OR TV, YOU'RE RICH.

I'M NOT RICH, BUT I'M FAR FROM

BROKE.

I'M WHAT YOU CALL A

THOUSANDAIRE, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW

A LOT OF BROTHER BLOW UP AND GET

THE PLATINUM AND THE

BLING BLING.

I GOT A LITTLE BIT OF PLATINUM

AND GOLD, I GOT LIKE THE

MR. T STARTER KIT.

I'M TRYING TO...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HEAR ABOUT THESE

ENTERTAINERS, THESE ACTORS THAT

GET PAID $20 A MOVIE TO ACT.

AND THE KEY WORD IS ACT.

BUT THEY PAY THIS TO GUYS WHO

CAN'T ACT.

HOW DO YOU PAY STALLONE AND

SCHWARZENEGGER $20 A MOVIE?

PAY THAT TO THE GUYS WHO

DESERVE IT LIKE, PACINO,

DeNIRO, DENZELL, JACK NICHOLSON,

THOSE GUYS ARE ACTORS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE TO THIS DAY ONE OF MY

FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME IS

HEAT WITH PACINO AND DENIRO...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT SCENE WHERE THEY MEET

FOR THE FIRST TIME AND PACINO'S

SITTING THERE TALKING TO DeNIRO

BREAKING IT DOWN.

[AS PACINO] "YOU SIR, ARE A

BAD GUY, I'M THE POLICE.

IT'S MY JOB TO STOP GUYS

LIKE YOU MURDERERS,

[SNAPS]-- RAPISTS,

[SNAP]-- KILLERS.

IT'S WHAT I DO.

THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN

OUR PATHS CROSS, I MIGHT

TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT BUT I'LL DO IT.

KEEPS ME HOT-- [SNAP],

ON MY TOES-- [SNAP]

WHERE I GOTTA BE."

DeNIRO COMES BACK.

[AS DeNIRO] "YA KNOW THERE'S A

FLIP SIDE TO THAT COIN.

GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, JIMMY STAG

ONCE TOLD ME NEVER GET ATTACHED

TO ANYTHING YOU CANNOT WALK OUT

ON IN 15 SECONDS FLAT, IF YOU

SPOT THE HEAT COMING AROUND

THE CORNER.

AND I ALSO LIKE GUYS LIKE YOU

THAT LIKE GUYS LIKE ME 'CAUSE

YOU KEEP ME HOT ON MY TOES WHERE

I GOTTA BE.

YOU'RE RIGHT OUR PATHS THEY MAY

CROSS, I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE YOU

DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT BUT I WILL NOT,

[SMACKS LIPS] HESITATE."

NOW, THAT'S A GREAT SCENE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW PICTURE THE EXACT SAME SCENE

WITH STALLONE AND

SCHWARZENEGGER.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO

UNDERSTAND [BLEEP].

STALLONE IS DOING PACINO...

[AS STALLONE] "YO, I AIN'T TAKE

YOU DOWN, I TOLD YOU ROCKY

[MUMBLES]"

[AS SCHWARZENEGGER] "YOU KNOW,

THERE'S A FLIP SIDE TO THAT

COIN, I MIGHT YOU HAVE TO TAKE

YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT BUT I'LL DO IT".

[GRUNTING]

YOU'RE LIKE WHAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A HORRIBLE NOISE...

[AS ARNOLD] ARRR, ARRR!

CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM ASKING

HIS WOMAN TO GO [BLEEP] ON HIM?

"MARIA C'MON, GIVE ME [BLEEP],

GO [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T COME UP FOR AIR, ARRR!"

ARRR!

FELLAS, THAT'S A CRAZY A NOISE

TO MAKE WHEN YOU WITH YOUR

WOMAN.

NEXT TIME YOU WITH YOUR WOMAN

DOING IT FROM THE BACK JUST MAKE

THAT NOISE.

ARRRR!

ARRRR!

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH

YOU?!"

[AS ARNOLD] "DON'T WORRY ABOUT

WHAT IS GOING ON UP HERE,

PUT IT DOWN."

LADIES, IT'LL WORK FOR YOU, TOO.

YOUR MAN WANTS YOU TO GO [BLEEP]

ON HIM YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO.

JUST DO THAT, IT'LL STOP.

ARRRR!

"WHAT THE... BITCH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"NO, I'M GOOD, GO ON, NO, NO

I'M GOOD, GO ON.

JUST BRING ME THE JERGINS.

BRING ME THE JERGINS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TELL YOU IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE

WHEN YOU LIVE IN L.A., YA KNOW,

AND YOU ALWAYS AND YOU DATE

PRETTY WOMEN AND YOU IN THE

ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY,

YOU ALWAYS DATE WOMEN THAT HAVE

SLEPT WITH ATHLETES.

AND THAT USED TO BOTHER ME

'CAUSE I ALWAYS KNEW IT WASN'T

FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

BUT I ALWAYS SAID IF I EVER

GET MARRIED, I WILL TELL MY

WOMAN, "I LOVE MICHAEL JORDAN.

I AM A MICHAEL JORDAN FANATIC.

I SAID MICHAEL JORDAN IS THE

ONLY ATHLETE YOU CAN SLEEP WITH

AND I WOULDN'T GET MAD.

AS LONG AS YOU GOT SOMETHING

SIGNED.

YOU GOT TO BRING BACK A BALL

OR HAT SOMETHING.

YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE A [BLEEP]

AWAY FOR FREE."

[LAUGHTER]

"AND I KNOW I'D GET MAD AT

FIRST WHEN SHE TELL ME, "BABY,

I SLEPT WITH MIKE."

"BITCH, I SHOULD...

OH, MAN A JERSEY.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS NICE, BABY!

THAT'S GOOD.

THIS IS OKAY."

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT

MICHAEL MAN, IS JUST HIS LEVEL

OF COOL.

MICHAEL WAS ALWAYS SUCH A COOL

DUDE.

HE ALWAYS KNEW HOW TO HANDLE

HIMSELF IN AN INTERVIEW.

KNEW WHAT TO SAY HOW TO SAY IT.

VERY SMOOTH ARTICULATE,

TO THE POINT.

LIKE, "MICHAEL, YOU GUYS ARE

DOWN IN THE FIRST HALF, WHAT ARE

YOU GOING TO DO TO IMPROVE?"

"WELL, YA KNOW THE TEAMS JUST

GOT TO COME OUT FOCUSED AND JUST

PLAY THE GAME.

EXECUTE THE OFFENSE, STAY TRUE

TO THE DEFENSE AND PLAY FOR

THE LOVE OF THE GAME."

BEAUTIFUL!

I LIVED IN L.A. WITH SHAQUILLE

O'NEIL.

I HATED WHEN THEY INTERVIEW

SHAQ.

SHAQ TAKE TWO WEEKS TO ANSWER

ONE DAMN QUESTION!

THAT IS THE SLOWEST TALKING DUDE

IN THE NBA.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "SHAQ, YOU AND

KOBE ARE FEUDING, WHAT'S GOING

ON?"

[AS SHAQ] "I TOLD KOBE, I TOLD

PHIL.

PHIL KNOW HOW TO PLAY.

KOBE KNOW HOW TO PLAY.

I GONNA CATCH THE BALL.

I'M A... THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I'M BIG BROTHER, HE'S LITTLE

BROTHER.

HE'LL BE FINE.

WHEN SHAQ TALKS, THEY SHOULD

HAVE THE WORDS WITH THE BOUNCING

BALL, EVERYBODY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Aries Spears: SO MUCH SEX IN

THE MOVIES NOWADAYS, ISN'T IT

THOUGH?

HOW MANY PEOPLE OUT HERE IN

THE AUDIENCE IS HAVING GOOD SEX.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES, I HAVE TO ASK Y'ALL,

DO Y'ALL LIKE WHEN MEN ASK

QUESTIONS DURING SEX, DO Y'ALL

LIKE IT?

IS IT GOOD?

ARE YOU HAPPY?

[SCATTERED YES'S]

SOME-- NO.

WHO SAY NO?

NO, YEAH.

FELLAS, LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, IF YOU HIT IT RIGHT,

YOU AIN'T NEVER GOT TO ASK.

SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW 'CAUSE

WHEN YOU HIT THAT SPOT,

OH IT'S A MOTHER [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOU AIN'T READY FOR IT,

HER REACTION WILL SCARE THE

[BLEEP] OUTCHYA.

YOU BE HITTIN' IT FROM THE BACK

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU HIT

THAT SPOT, SHE BE,

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU BE LIKE, "BABY,

YOU ALL RIGHT?"

"YEAH I'M JUST MAKING SURE

IT'S YOU!"

"CARRY ON, CARRY ON."

THAT HIT THE SPOT.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

AND SEX IS EVERYWHERE.

YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT.

IT'S EVERYWHERE.

IT'S IN THE MOVIES AND THAT

BOTHERS ME, NOT NECESSARILY ME

PERSONALLY, IT'S JUST THAT

YOU KNOW I GOT A 5 YEAR OLD

DAUGHTER.

AND I GOT NIECES AND NEPHEWS

AND SOMETIMES I BE SCARED THAT

IF I TAKE KIDS TO THE MOVIES

THEY GONNA SEE THE WRONG THINGS,

MAN.

YA KNOW THINGS THEY SHOULDN'T

BE SEEING, YA KNOW.

AND WITH THE WAY TECHNOLOGY IS

GOING, PARENTS Y'ALL BETTER BE

CAREFUL 'CAUSE YOUR KIDS IS

GONNA SEE SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA

TRAUMATIZE THEM.

LIKE THEY TALKING ABOUT DOING

ANOTHER ROBOCOP MOVIE.

GIVEN ROBOCOP A SEX SCENE.

PICTURE ROBOCOP DOING IT.

THAT WOULD HURT!

ROBOCOP COME OUT...

[MECHANICAL FOOTSTEP NOISES]

[ROBOTIC SQUEAL]

[ROBOTIC HEARTBEAT]

[MECHANICAL FOOTSTEP NOISES]

[SOUND OF STARTING MOTOR]

[GRINDING NOISES]

[MECHANICAL FOOTSTEP NOISES]

[SCREECHES TO HALT]

[DEEP VOICE] "THANK YOU

FOR YOUR COOPERATION."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

OUT OF HERE.

BEFORE I GET OUT OF HERE

I GOTTA SAY I'M A BIG RAP FAN.

YA KNOW RAP MUSIC IS KIND OF

TAKING OVER IN A LOT OF WAYS.

BIG RAP FAN, YA KNOW AND

I'M GLAD WE AIN'T GOT NO MORE OF

TUPAC AND BIG E. SITUATIONS.

I LIKE WHEN RAPPERS COME

TOGETHER AND COLLABORATE

AND MAKE GOOD MUSIC, YA KNOW.

SO AS A DEDICATION...

[APPLAUSE]

SO AS A DEDICATION TO SOME OF

MY FAVORITE RAPPERS, I WAS

SITTIN' AROUND SMOKIN' WEED

I WAS THINKING, WHAT COULD IT BE

LIKE LIKE IF FOUR OF MY FAVORITE

RAPPERS GOT TOGETHER AND DID A

RHYME?

I SAID, L.L. COOL J, SNOOP DOGG,

DMX AND JAY Z.

DJ, HOOK ME UP.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

"YO, WHAT'S UP MAN, IT'S YOUR

BOY L.L. COOL J BABY OH, I'M A

KEEP IT REAL SEXY RIGHT NOW,

RUB MY BODY DOWN WITH

STRAWBERRY JUICE.

YUMMY, WE GOIN' TO KICK THIS

RHYME OFF, I'M A LET SNOOP GET

A TASTE, I'M A LET MY MAN DMX

GET ON AND MY MAN JAY Z.

THIS IS ALL THE TIME BABY,

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

IT'S ALL THE TIME.

[AS SNOOP] ♪ "HEY YO ONE TWO,

♪ THREE AND TO THE FOUR

♪ SNOOP DOGGY DOG

♪ TAKING CONDOMS

♪ OFF THE FLOOR

♪ READY TO GET A BIG

♪ SO BACK ON UP

♪ GRAB A CONDOM

♪ 'CAUSE I'M READY TO BUST

♪ A TRICK WHAT

♪ HAVING THREE HO'S

♪ IS SOME GANGSTER [BLEEP]

♪ YOU KNOW HOW A GANGSTA DO

♪ WHEN A GANGSTA PIMP

♪ WE DON'T SWEAT [BLEEP]

♪ 'CAUSE WE KNOW

♪ WE CAN'T BE FADED

♪ WE JUST BACK DEBATING

♪ WHILE GETTING

♪ OUR HAIR BRAIDED

♪ NATE DAWG, WARREN G

♪ DAYS IN CORRUPT

♪ WE GONNA RAP 'TIL WE DIE

♪ THAT'S WHY WE THROW

♪ THEM THANGS UP

♪ FASCHIZZLE MY NIZZLE

♪ IN THE L.B.C.

♪ YA KNOW MY NAME'S

♪ SNOOP D-O-

♪ DOUBLE G

HE YO, DMX."

"YO WHERE'S MY DAWGS AT?

WHERE'S MY DAWGS AT?

YEAH, IT'S YOUR MAN DMX.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, DAWG.

♪ YO, AND I TOLD YOU DAWGS

♪ ABOUT MESSIN' WITH ME

♪ I DONE TOLD YOU DAWG

♪ ABOUT MESSIN' WITH D

♪ WHEN A DAWG STARTS TO BARK

♪ AND FOLLOWED BY A BITE

♪ THAT'S WHEN

♪ YOU FEEL THE PAIN

♪ AND HEADED FOR THE LIGHT

♪ DON'T GET UPSET DAWG

♪ THAT'S JUST HOW A DAWG DO

♪ AND I WON'T STOP BEATIN'

♪ UNTIL THE DAWGS THROUGH

RRR, ARRR!

♪ I BRING THAT

♪ REAL STEAL BABY

RRR, ARRR

♪ FOR THAT REAL MEAL, BABY

YO JAY Z, HOLLER AT 'EM."

"YO IT'S YOUR BOY,

Y'ALL CALLED ME

IN THE BUILDING.

IT'S YOUR BOY JAY Z

IN THE BUILDING.

HA, HA, HA.

♪ YO, IT'S JAY HOVER

♪ HOMIES I TOLD YOU

♪ THE GAMES OVER

♪ I GOT LOCKED IT OFF

♪ Y'ALL [BLEEP] UP

♪ IT SAID STOP CARDING

♪ PERSONA MADE FOR MARTYR

♪ THINK YOU GOT IT LOCKED

♪ ON BARBER,

♪ I'M TAKING THE GAME FARTHER

♪ IT'S YOUR BOY!" ♪

NEW YORK, THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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