Monday, April 6, 2015

  • 04/06/2015

Justin Willman, Jade Catta-Preta and Doug Benson imagine #MyTombstoneIn5Words, announce bizarre sporting events and come up with overly specific automatic text replies.

LET'S START!

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES,IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

AGAIN, PLEASE, I APOLOGIZE FORMY GENERAL LACK OF SPORTS

KNOWLEDGE BUT I'M TO UNDERSTAND,AND THIS ISN'T FROM ME, THIS IS

JUST THAT I AM TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE CHICAGO CUBS TAKE A

GENTLE TO RIGOROUS RIBBING BYNON-CHICAGO FANS, FROM WHAT I AM

TOLD.

AND HOW ELSE CAN WE HAZE THESEPOOR SONS OF BITCHES JUST TRYING

TO DO THEIR JOB FOR YOUR DRUNKENAMUSEMENT.

WELL, THAT'S EASY.

HOW ABOUT THE BATHROOM ISNOT WORKING AT WRIGLEY FIELD

ON OPENING DAY.

OVER HERE-- TALK ABOUTRELIEF PITCHERS.

OKAY.

I KNOW.

LET IT GO.

A FAN SUBMITTED THIS PHOTOON DEADSPIN. THOSE ARE CUPS

OF GLISTENING AMBER LIQUIDTHAT USED TO BE CHEAP, HORRIBLE

BEER ALSO KNOWN AS COORS.

WITH MOST OF THE BATHROOMSOUT OF ORDER FOR SOME REASON,

FANS WERE PEEING ATRESTAURANTS OUTSIDE OF THE

STADIUM WHICH WAS STILLFASTER THAN WAITING IN THE

LONG LINES TO STAND IN THEPUDDLE OF THE HEP C.

OR HEP P. I DUNNO. I'M NOT SURE.

BUT WHATEVER, COMEDIANS,WHAT WAS THE GIVE AWAY TO

FANS ON THIS PEE-SOAKEDOPENING DAY.

JUST WILLMAN.

>> R. KELLY BOBBLE HEADS.

>> Hardwick: JADE.

>> FIRST OF ALL, OUT OF ALLTHE CITIES TO HAVE TO PEE

OUTSIDE IN, IT'S THEWINDIEST, THE WINDIEST OF

CITIES.

(HARWICK SREAMING)

>> I LOVE BUSINESS BALL!

>> Hardwick: DOUG BENSON.

>> WHAT THEY DO, CHRIS, ISIT'S PODIUM NIGHT, THEY GIVE

EVERYONE A PODIUM THEY CANPEE INTO LIKE I DO ON

@MIDNIGHT.

>> Hardwick: WAIT, WHAT?

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S NEW TIME FOR THE THEHASHTAG WARS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> ALL RIGHT. BUTTON ON.

>> Hardwick: TODAY IS PLAN YOUREPITAPH DAY, SO AS A REMINDER

THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE,THE HASHTAG IS

#MyTombstoneIn5Word,#MyTombstoneIn5Word.

THAT IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THEM.

EXAMPLES MIGHT "BE PEACE OUT,CHILLAXIN WITH GOD," OR "ENJOY

MY CREDIT CARD DEBT" "OR STILLALIVE, CALL THE POLICE!"

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

JUSTIN WILLMAN.

>> I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> SOMEONE SHOULD HAVESTOPPED ME.

>> Harwick: POINTS.

JUSTIN WILLMAN.

>> WEBMD SAID I WAS FINE.

>> Harwick: POINTS.

JADE.

>> IT WAS ME, I FARTED.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> OW, YOU'RE STANDING ONME.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

JUSTIN WILLMAN.

>> "SLEIGHT OF MOUTH" UP NEXT.

>> Hawick: POINTS!

EXTRA POINTS. JADE.

>> DOUG BENSON IS ALWAYSHIGH.

>> Harwic: POINTS.

JADE.

>> BACTERIAL MENINGITIS HADME LIKE --

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

WELL DONE.

JUSTIN.

>> KILLED THEM ALL, OF COURSE.

>> Hardwick: THE JINX, ROBERTDURST. WATCH THE JINX.

DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT.

DOUG BENSON.

>> FIVE WORDS IS NOT ENOUGH.

>> Hardwick: EXCELLENT PLACE TOEND THE HASHTAG WARS.

NOW... THE LAST TIME HUMAN POTPLANT DOUG BENSON WAS HERE,

WE TOOK PHOTOS OF HIM INFRONT OF OUR GREEN SCREEN,

APPROPRIATELY, BACKSTAGE.

WE POSTED IT ON SOCIAL MEDIAAND ASKED OUR FANS TO PHOTO

SHOP THEM FOR A GAME WE WILL BEPLAYING IN HONOR OF OUR

FAVORITE STONER PANELISTS ON4/20.

HERE ARE OUR FAVORITES ON@KIRRENVSKIRREN.

VERY NICE PHOTOSHOT WORK.

FOR 100 POINTS, PLEASECAPTION THIS PHOTO, JADE.

>> SUPER FRY ME.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> NEXT TIME WE'RE STAYINGIN AN WATCHING EMPIRE.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

PERFECT.

REMEMBER TO FIND US ON TWITTERAND FACEBOOK AND PHOTOSHOP

YOUR OWN.

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYPHOTOBOMB: CREEPY OR CUTE.

(APPLAUSE)

THIS IS THE CLASSIC GAMEWHERE WE SHOW YOU A PART OF A

PHOTOBOMB THAT HAS GONE VIRAL.

FOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TOTELL US IF IT IS A BRIEF

GLIMPSE INTO A MALEVOLENT PAINDIMENSION OR A CUTESY OOPSIE

DAISY.

IN OTHER WORKDS, CREEPY OR CUTE.

SO FIRST ONE, THESE VACATIONERS:CREEPY OR CUTE.

DOUG.

>> BRING ON THE CUTE!

>> Hardwick: LET'S FIND OUT.

NO.

>> NO! NO!

I LIKE THE HORSE.

>> Hardwick: EVEN THE HORSELOOKS BUMMED.

>> THE CREEPY PART IS THAT THEHORSE'S HEAD HAS LEGS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Hardwick: NEXT ONE, THISWHISTFUL DUO: CREEPY OR CUTE.

CREEPY OR CUTE, DOUG.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE CUTE.

>> Hardwick: LET'S FIND OUT.

ADORABLE!

OH MY GOD.

>> OH MY GOD. THAT'S AMAZING.

>> IT'S CUTE UNTIL THAT DOGSNEEZES.

>> Hardwick: LAST ONE THISKISSING COUPLE, CREEPY OR CUTE.

YES, JUSTIN.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE CREEPY.

>> IT'S GOTTA BE CREEPY.

>> Hardwick: LET'S SEE.

OH!

>> THAT'S HORRIBLE.

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

>> THIS POOR GUY WALKING THEHORSES.

>> THE CREEPY PART IS THATHE IS FINGERING HER.

>> Hardwick: A HUNDRED POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,SPORT CIRCUIT.

IT HAS BEEN A GREAT DAYFOR SPORTS FANS WITH THE NCA

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME AND THEOPENING DAY FOR MAJOR LEAGUE

BASEBALL.

THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHERSPORTS THAT DIDN'T GET

NEARLY AS MUCH ATTENTION ANDSOME CASES FOR GOOD REASON.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOMEWEIRDO SPORTS AND FOR 250

POINTS I WANT TO YOUANNOUNCE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

FIRST, FIRST, THE NORTHAMERICAN WIFE-CARRYING

CHAMPIONSHIPS.

JADE.

>> ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAYHERE AT THE DIVORCE GAMES.

>> Hardwick: YEAH, POINTS.

>> SPONSORED BY PRENUPS.

>> Hardwick: JUSTIN.

>> SHE'S LIKE, YOU THEY EVERCARRY ME ANYWHERE NICE.

>> Hardwick: YEAH, POINTS.

>> NO, BUT --

>> Hardwick: WHY DID I GETMARRIED?

NEXT WE HAVE A CLIP FROM NOCOMMENT TV THAT LEFT THE

ANNOUNCER SPEECHLESS.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF FOOTIE.

ENGLISH TOE WRESTLING.

THERE THEY ARE.

HOW DO YOU WIN THAT?

OH GOD.

CREEPY AMOUNT OF RELEASEFACE.

>> HE WINS EVERY TIME.>> Hardwick: JADE.

>> WE DON'T HAVE ANAMBULANCE BUT WE DO HAVE A

TOE TRUCK.

>> Hardwick: HEY, NICE.

GOOD WORD PLAY.

POINTS.

NEXT UP FROM SRI LANKA, RIVERPILLOW FIGHTING.

>> OH!

>> Hardwick: JUSTIN.

>> MAN, SRI LANKA HAS THEWEIRDEST WAY OF PICKING A

PRESIDENT.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, FINALLY FROM POLAND,THIS AQUATIC TUG-OF-WAR.

OH, OH!

OH, WHO IS GOING TO WIN? DOUG.

>> I DON'T KNOWS WHAT'S WORSE,PARTICIPATING OR WATCHING.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXTGAME, CAN'T TALK WON'T TALK.

I'M SURE YOU KNOW IOWASTATED AND THE IPHONE HAS A

FEATURE THAT LETS YOU TORESPOND TO INCOMING SOUNDS

WITH A TEXT.

IT IS 2015, WITHOUT ACTUALLYTALKS ON THE PHONE TO PEOPLE?

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM, THEY'REALL VERY GENERIC.

SORRY I CAN'T TALK, I'M ONMY WAY, CAN I CALL YOU

LATER.

THERE IS A CUSTOM BUTTONMENTWHAT IF THEY WERE MORE

SPECIFIC.

SO YOUR MOM IS CALLING, YOUCAN SAY SOMETHING SPECIFIC

LIKE, WHO IS MY REAL FATHER.

OR NO, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM.

OR CAN'T TALK, PUTTING YOUIN A HOME.

>> SO COMEDIANS, I WOULDLIKE YOU TO COME UP WITH AS

MANY CAN'T TALK TEXTS ASYOU CAN.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

JUSTIN.

>> CAN'T TALK, SEND DICKPIC.

>> Hardiwck: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> CAN'T TALK, HIGH.

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?>> Hardwick: H-I-G-H?

POINTS.

JADE.

>> TALK LATER, I'M LASERINGBECAUSE I'M NOT A PEASANT.

>> Hardwick: POINTS. JUSTIN.

>> CAN'T TALK, FORGOT SAFEWORD.

>> Hardwick: POINTS. DOUG.

>> CAN'T TALK.

TEXTING AND DRIVING.

>> Hardiwck: POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> CAN'T TALK, HAPPYBIRTHDAY, SORRY FOR YOUR

LOSS, WHATEVER.

>> Hardiwck: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> CAN'T TALK, GHOSTPROTOCOL.

>> Hardwick: POINTS. JUSTIN.

>> CAN'T TALK, HATE YOU.

>> Hardwick: POINTS.

ARE YOU [BLEEP] KIDDING ME,JUSTIN AGAIN.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? [BLEEP] YOU,NO, JADE.

>> YEAH.

YEAH!

(APPLAUSE)

>> CAN'T TALK, I'M EXERCISING,BY THAT I MEAN WATCHING

THE KARDASHIANS.

>> Hardwick: YES, POINTS.