CC Presents: Paul Gilmartin

  • Season 8, Ep 25
  • 05/27/2004

IT'S IRONIC THAT I'M HERE

TONIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL

LIKE BEING FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER]

GOD HAS SENT ME HERE.

YOU KNOW WHY.

YOU'VE READ THE PAPERS.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL

THREAT.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, THAT'S FUNNY.

THE FACT THAT OUR NATION IS

GOING INTO THE WASTEPAPER BASKET

IS FUNNY TO YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE DEVIL

IS AROUND THE CORNER AND HE'S

WEARING BIKE PANTS.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY NIGHT I GET ON MY KNEES

AND I SAY, "LORD, PROTECT MY

BUTTHOLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE STARTED DRIVING A HUMMER.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOING TO

DRIVE THROUGH A GAY AMBUSH.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK I LIKE THE FACT THAT

IT GETS ONE FOOT PER GALLON?

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE

TO STOP THIS GAY LOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE IF IT SPREADS, THEN WE

COULD HAVE GAY UNDERSTANDING AND

THEN GAY PEACE, AND WE CANNOT

AFFORD PEACE.

WE ARE AT WAR!

LOOK AT WHAT THE GAYS ARE DOING

DOWN IN FLORIDA.

THERE'S A GAY COUPLE.

THEY'VE BEEN ADOPTING HIV

POSITIVE CHILDREN.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE

GOING TO STOP THE GAYS FROM

HOGGING ALL THE AIDS BABIES.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST HOPE WE CAN GET THOSE

CHILDREN BACK TO THE ORPHANAGE,

WHERE THEY'RE MOST COMFORTABLE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PEOPLE SAY TO ME, "PAUL, WHY

DON'T YOU AND YOUR CHURCH GROUP,

WHY DON'T YOU ADOPT THESE LITTLE

CHILDREN?"

WELL, FOR ONE, THEY'VE GOT AIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU BRING THESE KIDS TO

CHURCH, EVERYONE AT CHURCH GETS

AIDS.

THEN THE PRIESTS GET AIDS.

THEN THE KIDS GET AIDS AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN ARE WE GONNA STOP TRYING

TO LEGISLATE MORALITY IN THIS

COUNTRY?

WHEN ARE WE GONNA STOP LETTING

THE RIGHT WING RUIN EVERYTHING?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SAD TO THINK ABOUT IT,

BUT LET'S FACE IT.

THE AVERAGE AMERICAN WOULDN'T

KNOW HOW TO QUESTION AUTHORITY

IF IT WAS ON THE OTHER END OF A

"KNOCK KNOCK" JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I BELIEVE IN GOD.

I DO.

I CONSIDER MYSELF A SPIRITUAL

PERSON.

I DON'T CONSIDER--

I DON'T THINK I HAVE A HOTLINE

TO GOD, BUT I CERTAINLY DON'T

THINK THE ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION

INVOLVING GAYS IS TO WRITE THEM

OFF AS DIRTY AND THEN GO SING

OFF-KEY IN A SUIT ONCE A WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER BEEN IN AN ARGUMENT

WITH SOMEBODY AND THEY START

QUOTING THE BIBLE ON YOU?

I TRULY WOULD HAVE MORE RESPECT

IF YOU QUOTED HALL & OATES.

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST I KNOW THEY WALKED

THE EARTH...

OR AWKWARDLY DANCED IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO

HAPPEN WITH THE P.L.O.

I THINK ARAFAT WAS DEFINITELY

NOT THE ANSWER.

IT WAS LIKE HOW HE RENOWNED

TERRORISM, YEAH, WITH THAT DEAD

LOOK IN HIS EYE, LIKE WHEN

MICHAEL JACKSON HAS TO KISS A

WOMAN.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN'T EVEN STAY IN HIS BODY FOR

THE LIE.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE MICHAEL

JACKSON'S KID?

I WAS EMBARRASSED BECAUSE MY DAD

WORE BLACK SOCKS WITH SHORTS.

[LAUGHTER]

IMAGINE THAT FREAK FOLLOWING

YOU AROUND THE MALL?

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO FIT IN.

HE ZIPS BY IN A JETPACK DRESSED

LIKE SHIRLEY TEMPLE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HANGING OUT AT YOUR FIRST LITTLE

LEAGUE GAME.

HE ROLLS UP IN GARBO'S COFFIN.

[LAUGHTER]

"KICK A TOUCHDOWN."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MIDDLE EAST LATELY.

I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE

FUNDAMENTALIST MUSLIMS HATE US.

AND I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THEY

JUST HAVE STEREOTYPES OF US.

WE JUST HAVE STEREOTYPES OF

THEM.

THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TO GO ON,

AND UNTIL WE SPEND TIME AROUND

EACH OTHER, THAT'S NEVER GOING

TO CHANGE, THAT'S ALL WE WILL

HAVE IS STEREOTYPES, THE FACT

THAT WE ARE DECENT PEOPLE, WILL

NEVER BE REALIZED BY THESE

DESERT APES.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING THAT

MIGHT BE THE REASON WHY PEOPLE

DON'T LIKE US IN THE MIDDLE EAST

IS THE FACT THAT OUR PRESIDENT

INVADED A COUNTRY BASED ON THE

FACT THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE

NUCULAR WEAPONS.

NOT NUCLEAR.

NUCULAR IS HOW HE PRONOUNCES

IT.

YOU KNOW, HOW DO YOU REALLY

CONSIDER YOURSELF AN EXPERT WHEN

YOU CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE THE

WORD CORRECTLY?

HOW ARE LONG ARE YOU GOING TO

SIT AND LISTEN TO A DOCTOR TELL

YOU YOU'VE GOT CANKER?

[LAUGHTER]

WE DISCOVERED IT IN YOUR

COLOGNE.

WE FEAR IT'S SPREAD TO YOUR

ESOPHAJUICE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M RECOMMENDING CHEMOTHEROPY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF THIS

YOU'RE UNPATRIOTIC BULL[BLEEP].

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

I THINK THIS IS THE GREATEST

COUNTRY ON EARTH.

THAT'S WHY I FEEL SO PASSIONATE

ABOUT [BLEEP].

AND I'M NOT MR. ANTI-WAR,

I THINK SOMETIMES YOU'VE GOT

TO PUT YOUR FOOT IN A COUNTRY'S

ASS.

I THINK AFGHANISTAN WAS TOTALLY

CALLED FOR.

I WAS ACTUALLY PROUD.

I THOUGHT THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL

IRONY IN THE FACT THAT WE HAD

FEMALE PILOTS DROPPING BOMBS

ON THE TALIBAN.

I LOVE THAT.

I THOUGHT THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD

LITTLE PAMPHLETS AFTERWARDS

THEY DROPPED THAT SAID, "THIS

BOMB WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY

JENNIFER, WHO ENJOYS DRINKING,

SMOKING, AND PREMARITAL SEX.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SUCK ON THAT, YOU SEXIST

MOTHER[BLEEP].

NOW NORMALLY AM I DRIVING,

I'M BOMBING YOUR ASS."

[LAUGHTER]

Paul Gilmartin: SO HOW DO WE

ENJOY OUR LIVES?

THE FBI'S GOT US TOTALLY FREAKED

OUT.

IT'S YELLOW.

IT'S ORANGE.

IT'S PURPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY TELL US TO BE ON THE

LOOKOUT FOR ANYTHING UNUSUAL,

ANYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.

CALL US.

I CALLED THEM.

I'D NEVER SEEN A BLACK GUY ON

FIGURE SKATES.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M THE BIG

ASS[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

IRONICALLY, NOW I'M ON THE

FBI LIST.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]]

I'M AFRAID TO GO TO VEGAS 'CAUSE

THEY TALK ABOUT VEGAS BEING A

PRIME AL QAEDA THREAT.

THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE GOING TO

STRIKE, THEY SAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

THERE'S SO MUCH SENSORY OVERLOAD

TO BEGIN WITH IN VEGAS.

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW [BLEEP]

WAS GOING DOWN FOR THE FIRST

20 MINUTES.

YOU'D THINK IT WAS SOME NEW

HOTEL.

HOLY [BLEEP]!

LOOK AT THAT!

OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE EXPENSIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

THOSE CIRQUE DE SOLEIL PEOPLE

HAVE LET THEMSELVES GO.

THAT GUY DIDN'T GET ANYWHERE

NEAR A TRAPEZE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP] IF GAS

IS $4 A GALLON.

I JUST WANT TO BE HONEST IN

THE WAY THAT WE DEAL WITH OTHER

COUNTRIES.

AND YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE IN

OUR COUNTRY THAT DON'T THINK

THAT OUR GAS CONSUMPTION HAS

ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHY WE HAVE

TO INVADE OTHER COUNTRIES,

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

IT'S LIKE PEOPLE THAT DRIVE A

GAS GUZZLING SUV AND THEY PUT

A FLAG ON IT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S

LIKE A WHORE WEARING A ROSARY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT HAVE HUMAN RIGHTS

VIOLATIONS, I SAY WE DRAW THE

LINE AT CHINA.

I DON'T CARE WHAT CHINA DOES.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT CHINA.

THERE'S TWO BILLION CHINESE.

THEY COULD KAYAK OVER AND PUT

UP A GOOD FIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS, WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR CULTURE.

VERY HUMBLE CULTURE.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM WIN A GOLD

MEDAL.

[SUBDUED VOICE] "THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

I WIN FOR COUNTRY.

THANK YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

[YELLING] WHEN WE WIN, "HEY,

MOTHER[BLEEP]!

NUMBER ONE!"

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LITERALLY ANOTHER PLANET.

YOU EVER SEEN A DOCUMENTARY ON

CHINA?

IT IS ANOTHER PLANET.

"MING DO AWAKES AT DAWN AND

PEDALS 26 MILES TO HIS JOB AT

THE DUNG FACTORY.

[LAUGHTER]

TIRES ARE A LUXURY.

FOR NOW, HE USES COCONUTS.

[LAUGHTER]

MIDWAY THROUGH THE RIDE,

THE FRONT COCONUT SHATTERS.

HE MUST WHEELIE THE REMAINING

13 MILES.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS VISION OBSCURED,

HE COLLIDES WITH A TREE AND LAYS

DAZED BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,

AND HIS GRANDPARENTS TOPPLE FROM

HIS SHOULDERS.

[LAUGHTER]

AS THE MONSOON SWEEPS THEIR

BODIES OUT TO SEA, THEY GIVE

THANKS FOR THE RICH LIFE THEY

LED."

COULD I FEEL ANY MORE SPOILED?

YEAH.

WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO BE

A MORE TENACIOUS FIGHTER,

THE GUY WHO CAN LIVE ON PEAPODS

OR THE GUY WHO CAN BALANCE THE

REMOTE ON HIS GUT?

[LAUGHTER]

I MIGHT HAVE TO GO WITH MY

SLENDER ASIAN FRIEND.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

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