CC Presents: Paul Gilmartin

  • Season 8, Ep 25
  • 05/27/2004

Paul Gilmartin examines cultural differences between the U.S. and China and imagines what it's like to be one of Michael Jackson's kids.

IT'S IRONIC THAT I'M HERE

TONIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL

LIKE BEING FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER]

GOD HAS SENT ME HERE.

YOU KNOW WHY.

YOU'VE READ THE PAPERS.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL

THREAT.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, THAT'S FUNNY.

THE FACT THAT OUR NATION IS

GOING INTO THE WASTEPAPER BASKET

IS FUNNY TO YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE DEVIL

IS AROUND THE CORNER AND HE'S

WEARING BIKE PANTS.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY NIGHT I GET ON MY KNEES

AND I SAY, "LORD, PROTECT MY

BUTTHOLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE STARTED DRIVING A HUMMER.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOING TO

DRIVE THROUGH A GAY AMBUSH.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK I LIKE THE FACT THAT

IT GETS ONE FOOT PER GALLON?

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE

TO STOP THIS GAY LOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE IF IT SPREADS, THEN WE

COULD HAVE GAY UNDERSTANDING AND

THEN GAY PEACE, AND WE CANNOT

AFFORD PEACE.

WE ARE AT WAR!

LOOK AT WHAT THE GAYS ARE DOING

DOWN IN FLORIDA.

THERE'S A GAY COUPLE.

THEY'VE BEEN ADOPTING HIV

POSITIVE CHILDREN.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE

GOING TO STOP THE GAYS FROM

HOGGING ALL THE AIDS BABIES.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST HOPE WE CAN GET THOSE

CHILDREN BACK TO THE ORPHANAGE,

WHERE THEY'RE MOST COMFORTABLE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PEOPLE SAY TO ME, "PAUL, WHY

DON'T YOU AND YOUR CHURCH GROUP,

WHY DON'T YOU ADOPT THESE LITTLE

CHILDREN?"

WELL, FOR ONE, THEY'VE GOT AIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU BRING THESE KIDS TO

CHURCH, EVERYONE AT CHURCH GETS

AIDS.

THEN THE PRIESTS GET AIDS.

THEN THE KIDS GET AIDS AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN ARE WE GONNA STOP TRYING

TO LEGISLATE MORALITY IN THIS

COUNTRY?

WHEN ARE WE GONNA STOP LETTING

THE RIGHT WING RUIN EVERYTHING?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SAD TO THINK ABOUT IT,

BUT LET'S FACE IT.

THE AVERAGE AMERICAN WOULDN'T

KNOW HOW TO QUESTION AUTHORITY

IF IT WAS ON THE OTHER END OF A

"KNOCK KNOCK" JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I BELIEVE IN GOD.

I DO.

I CONSIDER MYSELF A SPIRITUAL

PERSON.

I DON'T CONSIDER--

I DON'T THINK I HAVE A HOTLINE

TO GOD, BUT I CERTAINLY DON'T

THINK THE ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION

INVOLVING GAYS IS TO WRITE THEM

OFF AS DIRTY AND THEN GO SING

OFF-KEY IN A SUIT ONCE A WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER BEEN IN AN ARGUMENT

WITH SOMEBODY AND THEY START

QUOTING THE BIBLE ON YOU?

I TRULY WOULD HAVE MORE RESPECT

IF YOU QUOTED HALL & OATES.

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST I KNOW THEY WALKED

THE EARTH...

OR AWKWARDLY DANCED IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO

HAPPEN WITH THE P.L.O.

I THINK ARAFAT WAS DEFINITELY

NOT THE ANSWER.

IT WAS LIKE HOW HE RENOWNED

TERRORISM, YEAH, WITH THAT DEAD

LOOK IN HIS EYE, LIKE WHEN

MICHAEL JACKSON HAS TO KISS A

WOMAN.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN'T EVEN STAY IN HIS BODY FOR

THE LIE.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE MICHAEL

JACKSON'S KID?

I WAS EMBARRASSED BECAUSE MY DAD

WORE BLACK SOCKS WITH SHORTS.

[LAUGHTER]

IMAGINE THAT FREAK FOLLOWING

YOU AROUND THE MALL?

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO FIT IN.

HE ZIPS BY IN A JETPACK DRESSED

LIKE SHIRLEY TEMPLE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HANGING OUT AT YOUR FIRST LITTLE

LEAGUE GAME.

HE ROLLS UP IN GARBO'S COFFIN.

[LAUGHTER]

"KICK A TOUCHDOWN."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MIDDLE EAST LATELY.

I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE

FUNDAMENTALIST MUSLIMS HATE US.

AND I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THEY

JUST HAVE STEREOTYPES OF US.

WE JUST HAVE STEREOTYPES OF

THEM.

THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TO GO ON,

AND UNTIL WE SPEND TIME AROUND

EACH OTHER, THAT'S NEVER GOING

TO CHANGE, THAT'S ALL WE WILL

HAVE IS STEREOTYPES, THE FACT

THAT WE ARE DECENT PEOPLE, WILL

NEVER BE REALIZED BY THESE

DESERT APES.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING THAT

MIGHT BE THE REASON WHY PEOPLE

DON'T LIKE US IN THE MIDDLE EAST

IS THE FACT THAT OUR PRESIDENT

INVADED A COUNTRY BASED ON THE

FACT THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE

NUCULAR WEAPONS.

NOT NUCLEAR.

NUCULAR IS HOW HE PRONOUNCES

IT.

YOU KNOW, HOW DO YOU REALLY

CONSIDER YOURSELF AN EXPERT WHEN

YOU CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE THE

WORD CORRECTLY?

HOW ARE LONG ARE YOU GOING TO

SIT AND LISTEN TO A DOCTOR TELL

YOU YOU'VE GOT CANKER?

[LAUGHTER]

WE DISCOVERED IT IN YOUR

COLOGNE.

WE FEAR IT'S SPREAD TO YOUR

ESOPHAJUICE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M RECOMMENDING CHEMOTHEROPY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF THIS

YOU'RE UNPATRIOTIC BULL[BLEEP].

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

I THINK THIS IS THE GREATEST

COUNTRY ON EARTH.

THAT'S WHY I FEEL SO PASSIONATE

ABOUT [BLEEP].

AND I'M NOT MR. ANTI-WAR,

I THINK SOMETIMES YOU'VE GOT

TO PUT YOUR FOOT IN A COUNTRY'S

ASS.

I THINK AFGHANISTAN WAS TOTALLY

CALLED FOR.

I WAS ACTUALLY PROUD.

I THOUGHT THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL

IRONY IN THE FACT THAT WE HAD

FEMALE PILOTS DROPPING BOMBS

ON THE TALIBAN.

I LOVE THAT.

I THOUGHT THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD

LITTLE PAMPHLETS AFTERWARDS

THEY DROPPED THAT SAID, "THIS

BOMB WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY

JENNIFER, WHO ENJOYS DRINKING,

SMOKING, AND PREMARITAL SEX.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SUCK ON THAT, YOU SEXIST

MOTHER[BLEEP].

NOW NORMALLY AM I DRIVING,

I'M BOMBING YOUR ASS."

[LAUGHTER]

Paul Gilmartin: SO HOW DO WE

ENJOY OUR LIVES?

THE FBI'S GOT US TOTALLY FREAKED

OUT.

IT'S YELLOW.

IT'S ORANGE.

IT'S PURPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY TELL US TO BE ON THE

LOOKOUT FOR ANYTHING UNUSUAL,

ANYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.

CALL US.

I CALLED THEM.

I'D NEVER SEEN A BLACK GUY ON

FIGURE SKATES.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M THE BIG

ASS[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

IRONICALLY, NOW I'M ON THE

FBI LIST.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]]

I'M AFRAID TO GO TO VEGAS 'CAUSE

THEY TALK ABOUT VEGAS BEING A

PRIME AL QAEDA THREAT.

THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE GOING TO

STRIKE, THEY SAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

THERE'S SO MUCH SENSORY OVERLOAD

TO BEGIN WITH IN VEGAS.

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW [BLEEP]

WAS GOING DOWN FOR THE FIRST

20 MINUTES.

YOU'D THINK IT WAS SOME NEW

HOTEL.

HOLY [BLEEP]!

LOOK AT THAT!

OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE EXPENSIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

THOSE CIRQUE DE SOLEIL PEOPLE

HAVE LET THEMSELVES GO.

THAT GUY DIDN'T GET ANYWHERE

NEAR A TRAPEZE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP] IF GAS

IS $4 A GALLON.

I JUST WANT TO BE HONEST IN

THE WAY THAT WE DEAL WITH OTHER

COUNTRIES.

AND YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE IN

OUR COUNTRY THAT DON'T THINK

THAT OUR GAS CONSUMPTION HAS

ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHY WE HAVE

TO INVADE OTHER COUNTRIES,

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

IT'S LIKE PEOPLE THAT DRIVE A

GAS GUZZLING SUV AND THEY PUT

A FLAG ON IT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S

LIKE A WHORE WEARING A ROSARY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT HAVE HUMAN RIGHTS

VIOLATIONS, I SAY WE DRAW THE

LINE AT CHINA.

I DON'T CARE WHAT CHINA DOES.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT CHINA.

THERE'S TWO BILLION CHINESE.

THEY COULD KAYAK OVER AND PUT

UP A GOOD FIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS, WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR CULTURE.

VERY HUMBLE CULTURE.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM WIN A GOLD

MEDAL.

[SUBDUED VOICE] "THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

I WIN FOR COUNTRY.

THANK YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

[YELLING] WHEN WE WIN, "HEY,

MOTHER[BLEEP]!

NUMBER ONE!"

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LITERALLY ANOTHER PLANET.

YOU EVER SEEN A DOCUMENTARY ON

CHINA?

IT IS ANOTHER PLANET.

"MING DO AWAKES AT DAWN AND

PEDALS 26 MILES TO HIS JOB AT

THE DUNG FACTORY.

[LAUGHTER]

TIRES ARE A LUXURY.

FOR NOW, HE USES COCONUTS.

[LAUGHTER]

MIDWAY THROUGH THE RIDE,

THE FRONT COCONUT SHATTERS.

HE MUST WHEELIE THE REMAINING

13 MILES.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS VISION OBSCURED,

HE COLLIDES WITH A TREE AND LAYS

DAZED BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,

AND HIS GRANDPARENTS TOPPLE FROM

HIS SHOULDERS.

[LAUGHTER]

AS THE MONSOON SWEEPS THEIR

BODIES OUT TO SEA, THEY GIVE

THANKS FOR THE RICH LIFE THEY

LED."

COULD I FEEL ANY MORE SPOILED?

YEAH.

WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO BE

A MORE TENACIOUS FIGHTER,

THE GUY WHO CAN LIVE ON PEAPODS

OR THE GUY WHO CAN BALANCE THE

REMOTE ON HIS GUT?

[LAUGHTER]

I MIGHT HAVE TO GO WITH MY

SLENDER ASIAN FRIEND.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MILITARY.

IF YOU'VE EVER SERVED OR YOU

CURRENTLY SERVE, MY HAT IS OFF

TO YOU, TRULY.

YOU ARE BRAVER THAN I AM BECAUSE

I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY I COULD

HANDLE COMBAT.

I [BLEEP] IN MY PANTS PLAYING

PAINTBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, [BLEEP].

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A WELT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.

DESERT COMBAT?

I CAN'T EVEN STAND THE WALK BACK

FROM THE BEACH TO THE CAR.

OH, GOD.

SOMEBODY TAKE THE COOLER.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, I KNOW THEY'RE

COMMITTING GENOCIDE, BUT I'M

GETTING KIND OF PINK.

WHITE, RED, WHITE, RED,

WHITE, RED.

IT'S COMING BACK RED FAST.

I BETTER GET IN THE CAR.

I THINK IT'S COOL THAT WE'RE A

SUPER ECONOMIC POWER, BUT I

THINK THERE'S A LOT OF

PSYCHOLOGICAL BAGGAGE THAT

COMES WITH ALWAYS HAVING TO BE

NUMBER ONE.

COMPETITION IS SO INGRAINED

INTO OUR DAILY LIVES WE DON'T

EVEN SEE IT.

PIE EATING CONTESTS.

HOW [BLEEP] UP IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

FORGET ABOUT THE POOR BASTARD

WHO HAS NO CONTROL AT DESSERT

TIME.

LET'S CHEER HIM ON AS HE VOMITS

AND CONTINUES EATING.

[BLEEP]

I THINK THE GUY SHOULD BE IN A

CLINIC.

WE'RE GIVING HIM A TROPHY.

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE YOU SEEN THE BEAUTY

PAGEANTS FOR THE LITTLE GIRLS,

LITTLE 5-YEAR-OLD GIRLS?

THEY'RE REALLY POPULAR.

THE LAST ONE WAS SO BIG THEY HAD

TO HOLD IT IN ONE MOTHER'S

PERSONAL EMPTINESS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE, REALLY, A GIRL

SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL

PUBERTY FOR HER BAD BODY IMAGE.

LET'S GO AFTER HER RIGHT AWAY.

FIVE IS THE AGE TO BEGIN

SLINKING AROUND TO MARVIN GAYE.

THAT'S NOT CREEPY.

I DON'T THINK SHE REALLY CAUGHT

THE ESSENCE OF "SEXUAL HEALING"

UNTIL SHE POOPED HER PANTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Paul Gilmartin: I MISS BEING

A KID SOMETIMES.

DO YOU MISS THAT INNOCENCE YOU

USED TO HAVE?

SO MANY MYSTERIES LEFT TO LIFE.

YOU WEREN'T JADED.

YOU BELIEVED PEOPLE.

A MAN'S GOING TO COME DOWN THE

CHIMNEY AND GIVE ME GIFTS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF

BITTER OLD [BLEEP] DRIVING

AROUND, WAITING TO DIE.

YEAH, [BLEEP] YOU, TOO!

YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN MY LANE.

OH, LOOK, OH, LOOK.

I CUT YOU OFF.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

THAT'S RIGHT.

I BEAT YOU.

I WIN.

I'M A WINNER.

I'M VERY HAPPY.

I'M VERY HAPPY.

YEAH.

MY LIFE'S GREAT.

I'M VERY SUCCESSFUL.

[LAUGHTER]

I MISS FOOTIE PAJAMAS?

REMEMBER FOOTIE PAJAMAS?

MAN, YOU RULED THE EARTH IN

YOUR FOOTIE PAJAMAS THAT WAS

BOOGEY-PROOF ARMOR, YOUR

FOOTIE PAJAMAS.

COME ON, BOOGEYMAN.

BRING IT ON, MOTHER[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT MY FOOTIE PAJAMAS!

YOU WERE SEALED AT THE NECK,

THE WRIST, THE ANKLES.

[LAUGHTER]

POSSIBLE ATTACK THROUGH THE

POO PATCH.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

VERY UNLIKELY.

NOT A FAVORED BOOGEY ROUTE.

DEFINITELY AN ALTERNATE HIGHWAY

ON THE COOTIE MAP, BUT YOU HAD

TO KEEP IT COVERED.

YOU HAD TO KEEP MOVING, WHICH

WASN'T A PROBLEM BECAUSE YOU

WENT NUTS WHEN YOU PUT ON YOUR

FOOTIE PAJAMAS.

SOMETHING ABOUT HAVING YOUR

FEET ENCLOSED TURNED YOU INTO

A SPAZZ.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU COULD BE DEAD TIRED,

READY TO GO TO SLEEP.

YOU PUT THOSE BABIES ON,

IT WAS TIME TO ROCK AND ROLL.

[LAUGHTER]

GOT MY FOOTIE PAJAMAS ON.

GOT MY FOOTIE PAJAMAS ON.

HIT THAT WAX FLOOR.

SHING!

BOOM!

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOUR

FOOTIE PAJAMAS ARE COMING INTO

FOCUS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

KIDS IN L.A., THOUGH.

I DON'T KNOW.

THERE'S CHOPPERS SEARCHING FOR

FUGITIVES LIKE ONCE A MONTH.

YOU TELL A KID.

"DADDY, WHAT MAKES THAT NOISE

AT NIGHT?"

"TIMMY, THAT'S THE SOUND OF

POORLY PLANNED ESCAPE ROUTES

AND THE FEAR OF BEING

SODOMIZED."

[LAUGHTER]

"WANT TO HEAR A BEDROOM STORY?

THIS ONE'S CALLED METH LAB."

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE THE

PATIENCE TO HAVE KIDS.

I FIND THE OLDER I GET, THE

LESS AND LESS PATIENT I BECOME.

I THINK ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M

GOING TO SNAP AT THE BANK AND

KILL SOMEBODY BECAUSE I ALWAYS

PICK THE WRONG LINE AT THE BANK.

IF YOU LIKE ME, YOU TRY TO PICK

WHICH LINE YOU'RE GOING TO GET

IN BASED ON WHAT PEOPLE LOOK

LIKE IN EACH LINE.

ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE IF WE'VE GOT

AN OLD LADY WITH A BAG OF

CHANGE.

[BLEEP] THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'VE GOT AN OLD GUY TALKING

TO HIMSELF.

WOW.

WE'VE GOT A TIE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I ALWAYS PICK THE WRONG LINE.

I ALWAYS GET STUCK BEHIND THE

PERSON ATTEMPTING A TRANSACTION

THAT'S NEVER BEEN PERFORMED

BEFORE.

"I'D LIKE TO CHANGE THE NAME OF

THE SHIP CHECK ON MY CHECKS."

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T EVEN BORN

WHEN YOU GOT IN LINE ARE NOW

AT THE HEAD OF THE OTHER LINE

PAYING OFF THEIR STUDENT LOANS.

WOULDN'T YOU JUST WANT TO GRAB

THEM BY THE HAIR AND GO,

"WHAT IN THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU

DOING THAT IS TAKING SO LONG?

I'VE GROWN A BEARD SINCE I'VE

BEEN IN LINE BEHIND YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU DON'T PUT SOME PEPPER

IN YOUR STEP, I'M GOING TO ROB

THIS PLACE AND KILL YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE CHANCES ARE PRETTY GOOD

I'D BE PAROLED BEFORE I STOP

LOOKING AT THE BACK OF YOUR

FAT HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE GOING TO LET ME GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LIKE $100 IN BUFFALO NICKELS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Paul Gilmartin: SO I DON'T KNOW

IF I HAVE THE PATIENCE TO HAVE

KIDS.

MY WIFE AND I HAVE TALKED ABOUT

IT, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

MY BEST FRIEND HAS FOUR KIDS

UNDER TEN YEARS OLD AND I LOVE

THESE KIDS, BUT I'VE GOT TO BE

HONEST, AFTER AN AFTERNOON OF,

"I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

I CAN DO A HANDSTAND.

WATCH ME DO A SOMERSAULT.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

PAUL, PAUL, PAUL.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

PAUL, PAUL, PAUL.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT,"

I JUST WANT TO GO, "YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I CAN DO A [BLEEP] SOMERSAULT!

LOOK!

I'M RUNNING AROUND WITH

SCISSORS!

WOO-HOO!

HEY, I CAN WORK THIS STOVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN DRIVE MY CAR WITH MY KNEE

WHILE I ROLL A JOINT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TELL YOU WHAT I WON'T DO IF I

DO HAVE KIDS.

I WILL NOT GIVE PEOPLE THE

BABY PICTURES TO HAVE TO SIFT

THROUGH.

WHEN YOU HAVE A KID, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

ONE PICTURE'S NICE.

WE CAN SEE IT'S ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DON'T NEED TO SEE ITS ASS

FROM 19 DIFFERENT ANGLES WHEN

IT'S A DAY OLD.

BUT NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU THE

TRUTH WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT

THEIR BABY PICTURES.

NOBODY EVER GOES, "OH, WOW.

I HOPE BY THE TIME HE GETS TO

HIGH SCHOOL, HIS HEAD TAKES ON

A DIFFERENT SHAPE."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH TO COCO

THE PEANUT BOY.

THAT IS STATE FAIR MATERIAL

RIGHT THERE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOMEBODY WILL ALWAYS SAY

THIS.

"THE BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE ITS

MOTHER.

OH, THE BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE

ITS FATHER."

I CAN THINK OF LOTS OF ADULTS

WHOSE HEADS ACCOUNT FOR HALF

THEIR TOTAL BODY WEIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

"HOW YOU DOING, CHUCK?

I HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE KEEPING

MY HEAD UP."

[LAUGHTER]

"GOT A TOOTH COMING IN AND I

TOOK A LOAD IN MY PANTS ON THE

WAY OVER."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LITTLE KIDS JUST GOT THAT BIG

TED KENNEDY PARADE FLOAT HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU EVER SEE WHEN THE HEAD

GETS AHEAD OF THE FEET AND THE

FEET CAN'T CATCH UP?

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE A LOCOMOTIVE OUT OF CONTROL

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO LOOSE.

THEY HAVE NO TENSION IN THEIR

BODIES.

YOU EVER SEEN A LITTLE KID WITH

A BACKACHE?

NEVER.

JUST ONCE, I'D LIKE TO SEE ONE

GETTING OFF A TRICYCLE GOING,

"OOH!

WHEW, I'M GONNA PAY FOR THAT

TOMORROW.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, I CAN'T RIDE THAT BIG WHEEL

LIKE I USED TO."

THESE ARE KIDS.

THEY'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY

ABOUT.

"I TOOK A LOAD IN MY PANTS.

YOU'LL GET IT."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE BACK THERE SWINGING.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY

[BLEEP] THEIR PANTS.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO TELL THEM

YOU [BLEEP] YOUR PANTS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW.

THE ONLY ONE IN THE ROOM THAT

CAN'T SMELL IT.

YOU'RE SITTING ON TOP OF IT.

YOU'RE AT GROUND ZERO.

EVEN IF I WAS DRINK, I WOULD

KNOW.

THEY DON'T CARE.

I'VE GOT A LOAF IN MY PANTS.

I THINK I'LL MAKE A COUPLE OF

LAPS AROUND THE ROOM.

MAYBE BREAK UP THE DAY BY

VOMITING ON MYSELF.

OH, LOOK, THE CORNER OF A COFFEE

TABLE.

[BOOP!]

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY LOOK AT YOU TO SEE

WHETHER OR NOT THEY SHOULD CRY.

GOT A FLY IN THE HAPPY FACE.

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE MY LITTLE BUDDY.

GET A TOWEL.

HE'S GUSHING.

YEAH, YOU'RE MY BUDDY.

HOLD MY HAND.

STAY WITH ME.

STAY WITH ME.