CC Presents: Kyle Dunnigan

  • 03/15/2007

AND I GOT NERVOUS LEAVING THAT MESSAGE.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, IT'S ME. IT'S YOU, TOO.

"JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU TO GOTO KAREN'S PARTY ON FRIDAY.

"I TOLD HER WE'D GO. SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

"I DIDN'T SAY WE'D GO 'CAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN WE WERE CRAZY,

"WHICH WE'RE NOT. OKAY. I'M RAMBLING.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT. LOVE YA-- BYE."

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, IT'S ME AGAIN. I JUST WANTED TO CLEAR UP THAT LAST MESSAGE."

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM'S BEEN LEAVING ME LONGER AND LONGER MESSAGES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT THE MOM MESSAGE. LOT OF DETAIL.

THE MOM MESSAGE.

SHE'S LIKE, "HI, IT'S YOUR MOTHER. IT'S 7:34 ON TUESDAY.

"OOPS, 7:35. THE CLOCKJUST TURNED. IT'S 7:35.

"IT MUST HAVE BEEN AT THE END OF THE FOUR WHEN I SAID 7:34

'CAUSE NOW IT SAYS 7:3"--

I JUST SIT WITH MY FINGER ON THE ERASE BUTTON.

BUT YOU CAN'T HIT IT IN CASE THE END OF THE MESSAGE IS LIKE,

"I'M BEING ATTACKED." SO YOU HAVE TO SIT THERE. OH, MY GOD.

HURRY UP. I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING OLDER.

[LAUGHTER]

I GET BACK AT HER THOUGH. I TREAT HER LIKESHE'S SENILE IN PUBLIC.

THAT MAKES HER CRAZY. I GO, "DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH.

THAT DOESN'T BELONG IN YOUR MOUTH, MOTHER. RIGHT?"

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S LIKE, "Stop it, Kyle."

"MY NAME'S NOT KYLE. IT'S PETER.I'M YOUR SON, PETER, REMEMBER?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- "Stop it, Peter." - [LAUGHTER]

I WANNA TO TELL YOU A STORY. IT'S KIND OF A LAME STORY.

SO I'M GONNA USE THIS LOOPING MACHINE TO HELP ME TELL IT.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS I BROUGHT THIS CHICK BACK TO MY APARTMENT

WITH THE INTENTON SEDUCIN HER,

SO I PUT ON SOME MUSIC, RIGHT, IT WAS LIKE [MUSIC BEAT],

[LOOPING MACHINE REPEATS MUSIC] THAT KIND OF THING, RIGHT?

AND WE START HOOKING IT UP. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT WAS LIKE[RECORDING FUNKY SOUNDS]

THAT KIND OF HOOK UP.

- NASTY.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF,[RECORDING] "OH, YEAH."

'CAUSE IT'S GOING GOOD, RIGHT?

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BRAG. BUT IT STARTED GETTING

HOT AND HEAVY. LIKE REALLY HOT AND HEAVY, LIKE

[RECORDING] HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH-HAH, HAH, HAH.

LIKE OH, YEAH

HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH-HAH, HAH, HAH

LIKE OH YEAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH-HAH, HAH, LIKE--

ALL OF A SUDDEN THIS CHICK STARTS BAWLING CRYING.

CRYING IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

SO I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

AND SHE GOES, [SOBBING] "NOTHING."

SO I WAS LIKE, "COOL."[TURNS MUSIC ON] OH YEAH

LIKE, OH YEAH

- LIKE, OH YEAH... - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC STOPS]

BUT SHE KEPT CRYING, YOU KNOW, SO I HAD TO STOP.

OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING WAS WRONG. SO, YOU KNOW

I JUST PATTED HER HEAD TILL SHE FELL ASLEEP.

NOW I'M LOOKING AT THIS UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN AND I'M THINKING

OH YEAH LIKE, OH YEAH

BUT THAT'S WRONG, TOO. SO I JUST GOT UP.

AND I MADE MYSELF PANCAKES. I WAS GUARANTEED TO GET LAID

NOW I'M MAKING MYSELF PANCAKES, HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?

BUT I TRIED AND THEY'RE ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD. I WAS LIKE

OH YEAH

LIKE, OH YEAH

- [MUSIC STOPS] - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S A REALLY LAME STORY WITHOUTTHAT LOOP, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

SO, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M LAZY

'CAUSE I GET UPAT LIKE 2:00PM.

BUT THAT'S LIKE 7:00AM IN JAPAN, YOU KNOW?

IF WENT TO JAPAN TOMORROW THERE'D BE NO JETLAG.

THEY'D BE LIKE,"HE'S A REAL GO-GETTER.

7:00AM, READY TO GO THIS GUY. WOW-WEE!"

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S RIGHT. "I'M NOT LAZY ON THIS SIDE

- OF THE PLANET." - [LAUGHTER]

I USED TO SET MY ALARM. BUT-- I HATE I HATE ALARMS.

THEY'RE SO LOUD, YOU KNOW?

THEY SCARE YOU AWAKE, DON'T THEY? THERE'S NO WARM UP.

THERE'S LIKE PAA! PAA! PAA! PAA! RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WAKE SOMEBODY UP-- PAA, PAA!

IT'S SO LOUD MY DEAF NEIGHBOR CAME OVER SHE WAS LIKE,

- "CAN YOU TURN THAT CRAP DOWN?"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT HAPPENED TWICE, I KNOW.

MY MOTHER WAS LIKE, "THAT'S A TERRIBLE JOKE TO SAY.

WHAT IF A DEAF PERSON HEARD YOU SAY THAT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE AN IDEA FOR AN ALARM CLOCK. IT REASO YOU AWAKE.

GIVES YOU REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD GET UP. IS THAT A GOOD IDEA?

I'M GONNA HAVE DR. PHILDO THE VOICEOVER

BECAUSE PEOPLE TRUST THAT GUY.

YOU'LL JUST HERE, "I-- I-- I MEAN, LOOK.

"YOU COULD SLEEP ALL DAY, OKAY.

"BUT, YOU--YOU CAN'T DARE SLEEP...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I SEE YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED BUT HONEY, I DON'T BUY IT."

I LIKE THE-- THE SNOOZEBUTTON'S A GOOD THING

BUT EVEN THATDOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSEWHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE I HATE GETTING UP IN THE MORNING

UNLESS IT'S OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

- THEN I'M GOOD. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIGN ME UP FOR THAT PLAN.

I'M GONNA TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

I'M GONNA DO AN IMPRESSION OF A FAMOUS PERSON

DOING AN IMPRESSION OF ANOTHER FAMOUS PERSON.

THIS IS BILL MAHER DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF JACK NICHOLSON.

"YOU CAN'THANDLE THE TRUTH, OKAY?

"DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD BE ASKING FOR THE TRUTH

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH? YOU SHOULDN'T, OKAY?"

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - OH YEAH...

THIS IS A SONG. I DIDN'T WRITE THIS.

THIS IS ACTUALLY A SONGTHAT JOHN LENNON WROTE

RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED.

♪ WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND --[GUNFIRE]-- UGHH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WAS THAT TOO SOON 'CAUSE...

I'LL WAIT ANOTHER QUARTER OF A CENTURY.

I APOLOGIZE.

'CAUSE I JUST RAN OUT OF THE CRAP I GOT LAST TIME I WAS THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, IT'S A BULK ITEM STORE.

YOU CAN MAKE THE CRAZIEST GROCERY LIST AND IT'S THERE.

I WAS LIKE "I NEED TO BUY SOME MAYONNAISE, A TV

AND A BASKETBALL HOOP.

BUT I ONLY WANNA GOTO ONE STORE."

I THINK IT WAS INVENTED BY A GUY,

HE OWNED HIS OWNWAREHOUSE FULL OF CRAP.AND THEN ONE DAY

HE JUST SNAPPED. HE'S LIKE, "WHY AM I SHIPPING EVERYTHING?

"JUST OPEN THE DOOR. THEY CAN SHOP HERE.

LET'S CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN." HIS FRIEND WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, BUT IT'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN BULK PACKAGING."

"MAKE 'EM BUY THE WHOLE THING. I DON'T CARE.

"PUT A LADY UP FRONT WITH A HIGHLIGHTER. I'M DONE.

I'M NOT SHIPPING."

I ASK MYSELF QUESTIONS IN THOSE STORES

I DON'T ASK MYSELF ANYWHERE ELSE.

LIKE, "WILL I LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO USE ALL THOSE PAPER TOWELS?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.

"AH, OH, NO, IT'S ALL WRONG,

AH, I NEED MORE COW BELL. AHH."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

OH YEAH, LIKE...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT OLD PEOPLE AND TECHNOLOGY.

BUT IT'S-- THEY DON'T MIX. IT WAS LIKE TEN MINUTES OF,

"OH, BOY. HERE WE GO. LET'S SEE HERE. OKAY.

"I WANNA WITHDRAW CASHSO I HAVE TO TOUCH WHEREIT SAYS 'WITHDRAW CASH.'

"OKAY. UH-- I'M BACK TO MAIN MENU.

"OH, BOY. HERE WE GO AGAIN. COULD EVERYONE TURN AROUND?

"I HAVE TO PUT MYSECRET SECURITY CODE IN.

"SO PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES. OKAY.

"ONE...

"TWO...

"THREE...

FOUR-- UH, I'M BACK TO MAIN MENU. THIS THING'S BROKEN."

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK WHEN YOU GET OLDER, YOU'RE JUST-- WHEN WE'RE EIGHTY

THERE'LL BE LIKE A COMPUTER CHIP YOU PUT IN YOUR BRAIN.

YOU JUST HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

AND THEN IT'LL JUST HAPPEN. AND YOU STILL WON'T GET IT.

LIKE, "HOW DO I TURN THE TV ON?"

"YOU JUST THINK ABOUT TURNING THE TV ON, GRANDPA,

AND IT GOES ON.""OH, OH, OKAY."

[LAUGHTER]

"GRANDPA, THE-- THE COFFEEMAKER JUST WENT ON.

WERE YOU THINKINGABOUT COFFEE, GRANDPA?"

"YEAH, I-- I-- I LIKE COFFEE."

"WELL, THINK ABOUT THE TV, OKAY?" "OH, OKAY."

"GRANDPA, YOU JUST SENT ME FAX THAT SAYS YOU POOPED YOUR PANTS.

- ARE YOU OKAY?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE NAME OFMY NEXT GIRLFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, NO, TIFFANY, I JUST DROPPED THIS.

I'LL HAVE TO GET IT WITH MY ASS MUSCLES.

OH YEAH

LIKE, OH YEAH

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- THAT WAS STUPID. I'M SORRY. - [LAUGHTER]

I JUST GOT DUMPED, YOU GUYS. YEAH, WHAT?

"WHO WOULD LET THIS GO,"YOU SAY TO YOURSELVES.

- I DON'T KNOW. IS SHE CRAZY? - [LAUGHTER]

WE WEREN'T A GOOD MATCH,

YOU KNOW, I'M A GEMINI.SHE'S A WHORE.

- THAT CLASHES.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HER DOG ATTACKED ME. THAT'S HOW WE MET.

THAT'S A BAD OMEN, YOU KNOW. AND SHE BLAMED ME LIKE IT WAS

MY FAULT. SHE GOES, "DON'T RUN, IT FREAKS HIM OUT MORE. AH."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS RUNNING FOR MY LIFE. WHAT DOES SHE WANT ME TO DO, STOP?

LIKE ALL OF A SUDDENA RAGING DOG'S GONNA GO,

"OH, HE STOPPED. OH, FORGET IT. HE STOPPED.

- I CAN'T WORK WITH THIS." - [LAUGHTER]

IT WAS A GERMAN SHEPHERD, TOO.

A GERMAN SHEPHERD. BE MORE LIKE, [MIMICKING GERMAN].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I TURN AROUND TO SEE THIS DOG IN MID-AIR LIKE, "ARRR!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O."

AND SHE WAS LIKE "SLOW MOTIONFREAKS HIM OUT MORE. OH MY GOD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TOOK A DATE TOGREAT ADVENTURE.

WHICH IS AN AMUSEMENT PARK. IT'S A BAD IDEA.

'CAUSE I GET NAUSEOUS, YOU KNOW,

AND SHE WANTED TO GO ON THE TEACUP RIDES REALLY BAD

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, TEACUPS. HOW BAD CAN THAT RIDE BE?"

I SAT DOWN I WAS LIKE, [SNIFFS] "HEY, WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE PUKE IN HERE?

[LOUD SPINNING NOISE] OH, OKAY. THAT MAKES SENSE."

[NOISE CONTINUES] YOU EVER TRY TO TALK YOURSELF OUT OF BEING NAUSEOUS?

THAT LIKE MAKES IT WORSE. LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, DUDE.

JUST RELAX, MAN.IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M NAUSEOUS.

YOU LOOK UP. YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

[TALKING TO SELF] DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.

SO NOW I'M DATING.I HAD AN AWKWARD THING.

THIS GIRL, I BARELY KNEW HER,

WE HAD TO GET A HOME PREGNANCY TEST. YEAH.

WHICH, THERE'S LIKE 20 MINUTES WAITING FOR THE RESULTS.

LIKE, OH, WHERE'D YOU GOTO COLLEGE? AWESOME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN I HAD TO FIGURE OUT SOME DASH SYSTEM.

IT WAS LIKE A DASH MEANT SHE WAS PREGNANT.

THERE SHOULD BE A WORD ON THERE SO YOU KNOW IT RIGHT AWAY.

YOU KNOW, IT SHOULD SAY LIKE "[BLEEP!]" OR SOMETHING CLEAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST "[BLEEP!]" ON IT.

HEY, DON'T GET THE WRONGLIKE IMPRESSION.

WE USED PROTECTION, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S JUST THINGS, YOU KNOW, FALL OFF WHEN YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS.

BUT THE POINT... LET'S GET-- BE MATURE.

I'M JUST KIDDING. IT'S HUGE. NOW, LISTEN.

WOMEN SAY IT'S HUGE. WOMEN SAY IT'S HUGE.

I USE MAGNUMS,NOT THE CONDOM, THE GUN.LIKE, SAY, "IT'S HUGE"!

I MEAN WOMEN, WOMEN SAY IT'S HUGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BEING IN THE BEDROOM WITH A NEW PERSON.

SO, LIKE YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT LIKE,

WHAT IS THIS NEW BODY?

AND WHY DOESSHE HAVE A PENIS AND...?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GETTING YOUR SOCKS OFF.

THAT'S A TOUGH MOVE FOR US GUYS.

YOU WOMEN, YOU WONDER WHY WE LEAVE 'EM ON, YOU KNOW.

WE'RE LIKE, "NO. I LOOK GOOD NAKED WITH SOCKS. THIS IS A GOOD LOOK. WHY...?"

WE LEAVE 'EM ON 'CAUSE THERE'S NO COOL WAY TO GET 'EM OFF.

YOU GOT TWO OPTIONS. YOU COULD HOP THE SOCK OFF. YOU KNOW, GRAB THE BACK.

NO WOMAN WANTS TO SEE A NAKED MAN HOPPING.

IT'S LIKE OOH, OOH. DON'T LOOK AT ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OR YOU COULD PEEL THE SOCK OFF WITH THE OTHER FOOT.

YOU KNOW, BUT THERE'SNOTHING MORE EFFEMINATE

THAN BEING LIKE, [LISP] JUST A SECOND WHILE I GET THIS.

JUST A SECOND.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

JUST A SEC, HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

ONCE THIS HAPPENS I'M GONNA [BLEEP] THE [BLEEP] OUTTA YOU.

ONCE WE GET THIS SITUA--GOT ONE.

- HERE COMES THE OTHER ONE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS A SONG THAT LINCOLN WROTE

RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED. I'M JUST KIDDING.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT. NO, SERIOUSLY. I FELL IN LOVE--

LIKE DEEP IN LOVE-- LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO,

AND SHE MOVED TO EUROPE. AND I DIDN'T WANT HER TO FORGET ME.

SO I WROTE HER THIS SONG. IT'S CALLED, "HOLD ON."

- [MUSIC STOPS] HOLD ON. - [LAUGHTER]

[BLEEP], HOLD ON. [BANGS PIANO KEYS] HOLD ON.

- [LAUGHTER] - [SONG ENDS]]

THIS NEXT SONG IS AH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A FRIENDI KNEW HIM MY WHOLE LIFE

AND HE CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.AND I WAS-- I FELT STUPID

THAT I DIDN'TFIGURE IT OUT, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE LOOKING BACK THERE WERE SIGNS.

LIKE ONE TIME WE WERE SAYING, "WHERE'S THE STRANGEST PLACE

YOU'VE EVER HAD SEX?"AND HE WAS LIKE,[LISP] "INSIDE A WOMAN?"

AND AT THE TIME-- [WHOOSH]-- BUT YOU LOOK BACK.

ANYWAY,THEY DON'T LET HIM MARCH

IN THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADEWITH HIS FRIENDS.

AND I THINK THAT'S STUPID.

YOU KNOW, JUST 'CAUSE THEY'RE IRISH AND GAY THEY CAN'T MARCH.

SO I WROTE THIS SONG.

♪ WELL, WE GO TO THE BARS

♪ TO GET US SOME DRINKS

♪ THEY WON'T LET US MARCH

♪ AND WE THINK THAT STINKS

♪ SO WE WON'T BE THERE

♪ ON ST. PADDY'S DAY

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE FAT AND WE'RE IRISH ♪

♪ WE'RE DRUNK AND WE'RE GAY

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

♪ SO PASS ME THE PRETZELS GIVE ME THE BREW ♪

♪ IF YOUR [BLEEP] IS A LADLE

♪ ME ASS IS THE STEW

FEEL FREE TO SING ALONG.

♪ WELL, SOME SAY IT'S EVIL

♪ SOME CLAIM THAT IT'S VICIOUS

♪ I HAPPEN TO THINK THAT IT'S

♪ MAGICALLY DELICIOUS

♪ SO LET'S PLAY THAT GAME CALLED ♪

♪ TAKE OUT YOUR BALLS

♪ IT'S EASY TO PLAY

♪ JUST TAKE OUT YOUR BALLS

♪ SO POUR ME A BUD I'LL POUR YOU A BASS ♪

♪ PUT A POTATO IN A CANNON

♪ AND FIRE IT UP IN THE AIR

♪ HEIDI-HE, HEIDI-HO HEIDI-HI, HEIDI-HEY ♪

EVERYONE.

♪ WE'RE FAT AND WE'RE IRISH WE'RE DRUNK AND WE'RE GAY ♪

WELL, THAT WASN'T EVERYONE, WAS IT?

[LAUGHTER]

♪ HEIDI-HE, HEIDI-HO HEIDI-HI, HEIDI-HEY ♪

EVERYONE.

♪ WE'RE FAT AND WE'RE IRISH WE'RE DRUNK AND WE'RE GAY ♪

I'M GONNA KEEP DOING THIS TIL' EVERYONE SINGS.

AND THAT'LL GETPRETTY [BLEEP] ANNOYING.

♪ HEIDI-HE, HEIDI-HO HEIDI-HI, HEIDI-HEY ♪

♪ WELL, WE'RE FAT

Audience: ♪ AND WE'RE IRISH WERE DRUNK AND WE'RE GA ♪♪

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH. THAT'S MY TIME YOU WERE GREAT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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