Sidekicks

  • Season 3, Ep 2
  • 03/10/2016

Adam looks for a new sidekick and welcomes stand-up from Ryan O'Flanagan, Matt Wayne and Taylor Tomlinson.

[slow Hawaiian music]

- Yeah, Adam texted melike 30 times,

telling me to come down here,it was super important.

- Yeah, me too. I--I don't thinkthis is the right place.

- No. This lookslike a very sad Burning Man.

- Jesus.- Next!

Aloha!

What's up, gang?

Hey, you want to help mepick a sidekick?

- You're hiring a sidekick?

- Yeah.It's awesome.

Really, I just need someoneto laugh at all my jokes

and let me win at things,'cause I'm a...

sad, pathetic piece of shit.

Right?Next!

If you could laugh for us,please.

- [laughs loudly]

- Oh, wow,that was on cue.

That was pretty good.

Okay, and do you got, like,a catch phrase or something?

- Beer!

- You said, "Beer."- I like this guy.

- My name's Aiden, I'm 14,and I play the ukulele.

- Next!

Congratulations, you'remy new sidekick.

- I'm just bringing youthe drinks you ordered.

- You're my sidekick.

- Hey, guys, I'm Cliff.- Mm-hmm.

- I'm a kleptomaniac.

- I can't comment;I'm sexually attracted to him.

- Yeah, and also I am.

Next!

Okay, could you laugh for us?

- Wh--

Wha--I didn't even--

I didn't even do anything.

- That felt good.

- It's likerespect your elders,

but fuck some of them,right?

Next!

- Are you gonna tip methis time or...

- I will tip you with smooches.

[theme music plays]

I just turned 27. Which is-

[people cheer]Thanks.

That's like--That's like an adult.

That's like a grown-up age,I guess.

I don't know--I don't know what age is

the cut-off that you got to stopcalling your dad

every time you goto the mechanic.

I always pretend it's notmy dad, too, on the phone,

'cause I'm all, like,embarrassed

in front of the mechanic.

He'll be, "Hey, parts and labor,that will be $580."

And I'm like,"Oh. Can I--

"I'm gonna call mybusiness partner real quick

"just to--we share the expenseof the vehicle.

"Hey, Mom, is Dad home?

"I do want to talk to you,but is Dad--

"Is Dad home, though?Can I talk to Dad, though?

"Could we not do this right now?

"Because I'm at the mechanic,and I'm trying not to cry.

"Trying not to cry.

"'Cause he's foreign,and he's stressing me out,

"and I'm trying not to cry?

"Dad! Hey, Dad!

"I have a--I have a question.

"It's--I--I know it.I'm--it's a joke.

"[laughing nervously]It's basically I'm joking.

"I'm not stupid,but if you could say it--

"if you could say itin your words,

"in your own words,if you could explain it

"the way you talk,in your words,

"what is--what is--like, what is--

what is a deductible?"

[laughter]

"'Cause I looked it up, but I--can you say it, as my dad?

"'Cause they're takingthe bumper off of the c--

"they're deductingthe bumper from--

"is the bumper the deductibleof the car, yes?

Is that correct, yes?Yes, Papa?"

[laughter]

I wasn't--I wasn'tan easy child to raise.

I used to wet the bed...too much.

I'll say too much.

I wet the bed too much.

It, like, drove my parentscrazy, to the point

they had to go out--this is kindof, like, embarrassing.

They had to go out and buy,like, a--like a plastic cover

to put over my faceto try to kill me.

[laughter]

I am an--I'm an adult.I don't know if you could tell.

But I still love to eat cerealfor meals.

That's like my go-to, right?Yeah, yeah.

I love the sugary cereals notjust because they're delicious,

but they also have the mostentertaining commercials.

Like, if a sugary cerealhas a new flavor coming out,

they're never, like,just straight up about it

in the commercial, like,"Hey, check it out.

We got a new flavor.Go buy it."

They always want you to thinkthat this new flavor exists

'cause there wasa goddamn accident

down at the cereal factory!

You didn't hear about iton the news? Oh, my God.

Down at the Cinnamon ToastCrunch factory,

someone pulledthe peanut butter lever.

[laughter]

Oh, no!

Guys, I--I made a big mistake.

I bought a pair of TOMS shoes.

Those shoes are no matchfor rainfall.

You get them, and you're like,"I'm changing the world."

It rains once, they curl uplike elf shoes,

and then they just smelllike vinegar,

and you're like, "What the--"

If you don't knowwhat TOMS shoes are,

uh, some some cheesedickin California

was like, "I'm gonna get peopleto wear shoes

"that only an art teacherwould wear.

"Then I'm gonna make that personfeel like they're a good person,

"'cause I'll send that same pairof shoes to a child in need.

"Also, the shoes will be madeout of napkins,

"dinner napkins stapledto the bottoms of flip-flops.

70 bucks."

You know, I found that they sentthe same pair of shoes I bought

to a kid in Haiti,

but they were so dramaticin the email.

They were like, "Every dayon his way to school,

"this child faces hard terrainand parasites,

"but we hooked him upwith some napkin shoes,

so he's fucked."

[laughter]

"Say your good-byes."

Uh, I found a roommate online,

'cause that's wherethe winners are.

Uh, yup, yup.

Uh, not going well.Not going well at all.

We don't have anythingin common.

I found out she does yogain her free time.

Yeah, she came downstairs firstmorning like, "Namaste."

I'm like, "Mufasa, whore.We're not friends.

This is over right here."

She's so healthy, you guys.

Like, I asked her the other daywhat her favorite foods were.

She told me cranberries,blueberries, and almonds.

Like, "Dude, thoseare ingredients.

Who hurt you?"

She's so positivebut, like, annoyingly positive.

Like, you know those people

that just, like, always seethe glass half full?

And you're like, "Stop it."You know those?

The type of person you don'twant to go traveling with,

'cause anything that goes wrongon the trip, they're like...

"Well, this is an adventure."

"No, this is a flat tirein the middle of Phoenix, Becky.

"We hate you.

"This is why you weren'tin the limo at prom.