Monday, September 12, 2016

  • 09/12/2016

Kate Walsh, Michelle Buteau and Jim Jefferies assign duties to Hillary Clinton's supposed body double, list #NerdHolidays and appoint celebrities to cabinet positions.

AFTER A CASE OF PNEUMONIANEARLY CAUSED HER

TO COLLAPSE THIS PAST WEEKEND,

THE CONSPIRACY THEORISTSOF TWITTER ARE CLAIMING

THAT HILLARY CLINTON HAS BEENREPLACED WITH A BODY DOUBLE,

WHICH THEY'VE PROVENUSING A DEFUNCT VERSION OF

PHOTOSHOPAND CONTROL V RIGHT HERE.

-(LAUGHTER)-UH...

COINCIDENTALLY, THIS ALSOHAPPENS TO BE A PICTURE

OF BILL CLINTON'SWORST NIGHTMARE. UM...

NOW, COMEDIANS, ASSUMINGTHE SAME PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE

BARACK OBAMA IS A MUSLIMFROM OUTER SPACE ARE CORRECT,

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE DUTIESOF HILLARY'S BODY DOUBLE?

KATE WALSH.

ALSO BEATING DONALD TRUMPIN A LANDSLIDE.

-HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.-AH.

ALL RIGHT. POINTS FOR THAT.JIM JEFFERIES.

UH, STAYING HOME

WITH BILL'S BODY DOUBLEWHILE HE'S AT THE STRIP CLUB.

-HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.-OH.

MICHELLE BUTEAU.

SHE'S HER SECRET SHOPPER.SHE HAS TO GO TRY ON

THE HIGH-WASTED PLEATED PANTS

TO MAKE SURETHERE'S NO ♪ CAMEL TOE!

HARDWICK:YEAH. PERFECT.

-CAMEL NO!-HARDWICK: THAT'S IT.

-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)-VERY IMPORTANT.

-IT'S LIKE A CAMEL HOOF.-HARDWICK: ALTHOUGH

IT'S FINEIF YOU SING IT LIKE THAT.

-THEN IT'S ALL RIGHT.♪ CAMEL TOE... -♪ TOE...

♪ CAMEL TOE.

WALSH: EXCEPT IT MAKES IT SEEMLIKE SOMETHING WE ALL

-ASPIRE TO.-(LAUGHTER)

-WHICH WE DO. -HARDWICK:I'M WORKING ON IT, YOU KNOW.

-BRING IT BACK.-I TUCK IT UP THERE.

-I CROSS MY FINGERS, YEAH.-THAT'S THE MOOSE KNUCKLE.

-MOOSE KNUCKLE.-THAT'S WHAT I DO. NEXT...

NO, IT FEELS GOOD SOMETIMES.IT'S LIKE I CALL IT A "FUDGIE."

-IT'S A FRONT WEDGIE.-(LAUGHTER)

-IT SOUNDS DELICIOUS.-FUDGIE.

-FUDGIE.

AND NOW IT'S TIMEFOR TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(ITALIAN ACCENT): THIS A-WEEKA-MARKS THE ANNIVERSARY

OF A-SUPER MARIO BROS. YEAH!

IT'S-A ME, MARIO AND-A LUIGI.

(CHEERING)

WE...

WE HAVE A LOT OF JOBS.

SSOMETIMES-A WE A DOCTOR,SOMETIMES-A WE A...

WE A TURTLE EXTERMINATOR...

WE EVERYTHING BUT A PLUMBER,WHICH IS OUR MAIN-A JOB.

(LAUGHTER)

-(APPLAUSE)-THE CLASSIC GAME,

STARRING A CARTOONOF AN ITALIAN MAN

DRAWN BY YOUR RACIST GRANDPA.

(LAUGHTER)

HIS LEGACY LOOMS LARGE

IN THE HEARTSOF INDOOR KIDS EVERYWHERE.

I SPENT AN ENTIRE YEARIN COLLEGE

PLAYING SUPER MARIO BROS. 3, ANDTHE TANOOKI SUIT IS MY FAVORITE.

YOU DIDN'T ASK,AND YOU'RE WELCOME.

UM, THIS AUSPICIOUS DAY...

UH, THE CELEBRATIONOF THIS AUSPICIOUS DAY

IS OUR HASHTAG #NERDHOLIDAYS.

EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE:MEME-ORIAL DAY;

OR: CHRIS HARDWICKS-MAS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

-MICHELLE.-MARTIN LUTHER KLINGON DAY.

POINTS.

-KATE.-LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER'S DAY.

-ALL RIGHT, POINTS.-BUTEAU: YAY!

-JIM JEFFRIES.-ST. PATRICK STEWART'S DAY.

-POINTS.-(WHOOPING)

-MICHELLE.-FRIEND ZONE-GIVING DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS. POINTS. JIM.

-SWEATY PALM SUNDAY.-POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

JIM JEFFRIES.

-WRATH OF KWANZAA.-POINTS!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

-KATE WALSH.-WOLVER-EASTER.

-YES, POINTS!-(LAUGHTER)

WHEN THE EGGS COME OUT,DOES IT HURT?

(GRUFFLY):EVERY TIME.

UH, MICHELLE BUTEAU.

UH, GEORGE R. R.MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.

YES, POINTS! JIM JEFFRIES.

UM, RAMADAN AYKROYD.

-ALL RIGHT, POINTS.-(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, I'LL...AL RIGHT, YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR

ENDORSING WITH THE STARS.ENDORSING WITH THE STARS.

LISTEN, GUYS, I DON'T HAVEANY OPINIONS OF MY OWN.

AS SOMEONE WHO NEEDS CELEBRITIESTO TELL ME WHAT TO THINK,

I'M REALLY TORNON WHO TO VOTE FOR,

UH, IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION.

ON ONE HAND, HILLARYHAS TWO BATMANS, RIGHT?

BUT...

BUT TRUMP HAS KIM JONG-UN'S

SLUMBER PARTY BUDDY, HUH?

NATURALLY, CELEBRITIES COMINGOUT FOR A CERTAIN CANDIDATE

ARE PROBABLY ANGLING FOR SOMEPOLITICAL FAVORS DOWN THE LINE.

LIKE A CABINET POSITION

OR FIVE MINUTES ALONE

TO MASTURBATEIN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM.

UH, SO...

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS,I'M GONNA SHOW YOU

A CELEBRITY SUPPORTER.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TELL ME WHATGOVERNMENT POSITION THEY'D GET.

FIRST UP, TRUMP SUPPORTERS.

WE'VE GOT KID ROCK.

JIM JEFFERIES.

NACHOS SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

-ALL RIGHT, POINTS.-WALSH: OH! -BUTEAU: YES!

NEXT UP...

SARAH PALIN. MICHELLE.

-SECRETARY OF MISEDUCATION.-POINTS.

NEXT UP, RYAN GOSLING. KATE.

THE DUAL OFFICEOF GOD OF (BLEEP)

AND AMBASSADOR TO MY (BLEEP).

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

BUTEAU:WOW!

-TWO OFFICES. TWO OFFICES.-GUYS,

THAT SECOND ONE'SA VERY SENSITIVE POSITION.

-YEAH, I... -VERY SENSITIVE.-VERY SENSITIVE.

I JUST HOPE THAT HE'S GOTGOOD E-MAIL SECURITY.

-VERY SENSITIVE.-YEAH.

-IT'S IN THE OVAL OFFICE.-WELL...

-OH, YEAH! WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?-OH... -IT IS.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

-WHAT? WHAT?-AND-- HANG ON, YOU GUYS...

OH! OH!

NEXT UP, BON JOVI. KATE.

VICE PRESIDENT OF DAMPENINGYOUR MOTHER'S UNDERCARRIAGE.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

FINALLY, STING.STING, JIM JEFFERIES.

THE CHIEF OF POLICE.

-HEY! VERY WELL PLAYED!-OH, SNAP!

STICKING THE LANDING.