CC Presents: Jeff Dunham

  • Season 7, Ep 22
  • 07/17/2003

Jeff Dunham, Melvin the Superhero Guy, Jose Jalapeno and Peanut the Woozle heckle for fun.

EVER BEEN A BETTER TIME IN OUR

COUNTRY THAN RIGHT NOW WHEN

WE HAVE NEEDED A BRAND-NEW

SUPER HERO.

I HAVE THAT VERY THING FOR YOU

THIS EVENING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME LIVE

AND ON STAGE BEFORE YOU THIS

EVENING, MELVIN THE SUPERHERO

GUY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW ARE YOU?

"I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU MORTAL

HUMANS.

I AM A SUPERHERO.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?"

WHAT KIND OF A SUPERHERO?

"WHAT?"

WHAT KIND OF A SUPERHERO?

"THE SUPER KIND.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?"

AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

"I DO SUPERHERO STUFF."

LIKE WHAT, YOU HAVE POWERS?

"YES, OF COURSE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE POWERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP!"

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

"I CAN FLY.

YES, I CAN FLY!"

[LAUGHTER]

TO WHERE?

"TO THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP!

IT'S NOT EASY!"

YOU FIGHT CRIME?

"YES, OF COURSE.

FIGHT CRIME."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND OF CRIME?

"THE BAD KIND."

BUT WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO?

"I-- I FIGHT CATTLE WRESTLERS."

WE DON'T HAVE ANY CATTLE

WRESTLERS AROUND HERE.

"SEE, I'M DOING A PRETTY DAMN

GOOD JOB, AREN'T I?"

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A

SUPERHERO, WHY DON'T WE COMPARE

YOU TO ANOTHER SUPERHERO WE

MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE FAMILIAR

WITH.

"OKAY FINE, WHO?"

SUPERMAN.

"OH, HE'S GOOD."

ALL RIGHT.

CAN YOU-- CAN YOU STOP A

SPEEDING BULLET?

"ONCE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHUT UP!

IT HURTS LIKE HELL."

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BATMAN?

"SHAMEFUL."

WHAT?

"GROWN MAN IN A RUBBER SUIT

RUNNIN' AROUND WITH A YOUNG BOY.

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS CATHOLIC.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE

X-RAY VISION TO SEE WHAT

THE HELL'S GOIN' ON THERE.

AND MY WIFE QUESTIONS MY

MASCULINITY.

HA, HA, HA, HA."

WELL, SO YOU'RE MARRIED?

"HUH-HUH."

DOES YOUR WIFE HAVE ANY POWERS?

"YES-- HUH-HUH."

LIKE WHAT?

"WELL, ONCE A MONTH SHE BECOMES

EVIL.

AND I CANNOT DEFEAT HER.

OUR CHILDREN RUN IN TERROR.

OUR BIG DOG COWERS UNDER

THE COUCH.

THAT'S WHEN I PUT ON THIS SUIT

AND GET THE HELL OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

SO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?

"TWO BOYS."

WHAT DO THEY DO?

"THEY PISS ME OFF."

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, DO YOU HAVE AN ARCH

NEMESIS?

"WHAT?"

DO YOU HAVE AN ARCH NEMESIS?

"NO, I WEAR CORRECTIVE SHOES."

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE'D YOU GET THE SUIT?

"ONLINE AUCTION.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP!

[LAUGHTER]

I DEFEATED THE HIGHEST BIDDER."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DOES THE "D" STAND FOR?

"HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

IT CAME WITH THE FRICKIN' SUIT.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE IT'S MY THEME SONG."

OH, YOU HAVE A THEME SONG.

WHAT'S YOUR THEME SONG?"

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪

[LAUGHTER]

"SHUT UP!

IT'S CATCHY!"

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A SUPERHERO,

YOU NEED TO HAVE THE POSTURE,

THE STANCE, THE STATURE OF A

TRUE SUPERHERO.

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO STAND

PROUDLY.

"OKAY."

GO AHEAD, TRY THAT.

"OKAY.

THIS'LL NEVER WORK."

WHY NOT?

"CAN'T SEE OVER MY FRICKIN'

NOSE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S MELVIN THE SUPERHERO.

THERE WE GO, RIGHT?

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

Jeff Dunham: AND NOW LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

SOMEONE WHO IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S NOT EXACTLY HUMAN.

HE'S WHAT I CALL A WOOZLE.

PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME MY BUDDY

"PEANUT."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

HOW YA DOIN' PEANUT?

"DOIN' PRETTY GOOD, HOW 'BOUT

YOU?"

I'M FINE.

"THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD!

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD

CROWD TONIGHT."

YOU LIKE IT HERE?

"OH, I LOVE COMING TO-- TO--

THIS TOWN RIGHT HERE."

GOOD.

WHICH TOWN?

"YEAH, THIS"-- WHICH ONE?

"THIS ONE."

WHICH IS?

"THE ONE WE'RE IN RIGHT NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

PEANUT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH

CITY WE'RE IN?

"I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

"I FORGOT."

WHAT?

"I FORGOT."

WHAT?

"WE GO SO DAMN MANY PLACES

I FORGOT!"

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THINK ABOUT IT FOR

A SECOND.

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT.

DAMN.

THE PLANE RIDE FROM L.A...

"WAS LONG AS HELL."

WE GOT HERE...

"COLD AS HELL."

GOT IN A TAXI...

"SCARY AS HELL."

DRIVER...

"COULDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH WORTH

HELL.

CHECKED INTO A HOTEL...

"EXPENSIVE AS HELL.

SO, WE'RE IN HELL."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

"AND THESE ARE OUR HELLMATES."

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

"I'M JUST KIDDIN'.

I LOVE NEW YORK."

YOU DO?

"BETTER THAN WHERE WE WERE

LAST WEEK."

LAST WEEK?

"LAST WEEK WE WERE IN ALABAMA.

ALABAMA!

TALKIN' WITH A GUY IN THE

FRONT ROW WHO FOR A LIVING

WAS AN ENGLISH TEACHER."

RIGHT.

"COULD THERE BE A MORE DIFFICULT

JOB THAN BEING AN ENGLISH

TEACHER IN ALABAMA?

HOW DO YA TEACH THE CLASSICS

THERE?

'ROMEO, ROMEO, WHEREFORE

ART THOU, ROMEO?'

'I'M DOWN HERE IN THE BUSH'S

TAKIN' A PISS.'

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

"THAT DUDE AIN'T GETTIN' IT.

IT'S KINDA GOIN' [MAKES NOISE].

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

I'M KIDDIN'.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

NOT REAL QUICK IS HE?

KINDA [MAKES NOISE].

"SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN?"

MICHAEL.

"MICHAEL.

GOOD TO SEE YA, MICHAEL.

MICHAEL!

WATCH THIS.

MICHAEL, YOU GOT A GRANDPA?

YOU DO?"

HE HAS A GRANDPA.

"I USED TO MAKE FUN OF

MY GRANDPA JUST LIKE MICHAEL."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"WELL, GRANDPA HAD A HEARING

AID."

THAT'S NOT A REASON TO MAKE

FUN OF HIM.

"I DIDN'T MAKE FUN OF HIM,

I MADE FUN WITH HIM."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"GRANDPA HAD ONE OF THOSE REALLY

OLD HEARING AIDS YOU KINDA HAD

TO ADJUST.

I USED TO RUN UP TO GRANDPA

AND I'D GO, 'HEY, GRANDPA.

LISTEN, I WAS WONDERIN',

YOU THINK I.'

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

PEANUT, WHAT IF YOUR GRANDPA

WAS HERE THIS EVENING?

WOULDN'T YOU FEEL KIND OF BAD.

"WELL, YEAH."

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO YOUR

GRANDPA?

"SORRY, GRANDPA.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

IT WAS JUST THAT [MAKES NOISE].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AM I GOIN' TO HELL?"

PROBABLY.

"WELL, HERE WE ARE."

NO.

"WHERE WERE WE TWO WEEKS AGO?"

UTAH.

"AH, YES, SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH.

KIND OF A SAD TRIP TO SALT LAKE

CITY."

YEAH.

"'CAUSE APPARENTLY, THERE AT THE

LOCAL ZOO, THEY'VE BEEN HAVING

TROUBLE WITH THEIR GIRAFFE

POPULATION."

YES.

"AND THE DAY BEFORE WE GOT

THERE, THEY LOST ANOTHER

GIRAFFE."

YES.

"APPARENTLY THIS GIRAFFE

GOT SICK, COLLAPSED, THREW UP

AND DIED."

VERY SAD, YES.

NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU FOUND SOMETHING FUNNY

WITH THAT?

WHAT?

"THE THROWIN' UP PART."

HOW IS THAT FUNNY?

"A GIRAFFE THROWING UP?

THINK ABOUT IT.

WOULD TAKE FOREVER!"

[THROWING UP NOISES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

"YEAH.

WE WERE TALKIN' TO A GIRL IN THE

FRONT ROW THERE WHO FOR A LIVING

WAS A DENTAL HYGIENIST."

YEAH.

"SHE WAS HOT.

SHE HAD HUGE--"

EYES.

"--EYES.

YOU-- EYES?

YOU WERE LOOKING AT HER EYES?

DUH!

I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT HER"--

HEY, HEY.

BE SENSITIVE HERE.

"--TATAS.

BODACIOUS TATAS."

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SHE HAD

A NICE SMILE?

"NO.

AFTER I SAW HER TATAS, I HAD

A NICE SMILE."

[LAUGHTER]

"I DON'T MIND GOIN' TO THE

DENTIST."

YOU DON'T?

"NO.

'CAUSE THEY LAY YOU DOWN IN THAT

DENTIST CHAIR."

THEY PUT ALL THAT STUFF IN YOUR

MOUTH.

THEY PUT THAT ONE THING IN THERE

THAT GOES [MAKES NOISE].

DON'T PUT YOUR TONGUE IN THAT

THING, THOUGH, 'CAUSE LIKE

[MAKES NOISE].

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, THEY LAY YOU ON THE

CHAIR.

THEY PUT ALL THAT STUFF IN YOUR

MOUTH.

AND THEN WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY ASK YA QUESTIONS.

'SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

[GAGGING NOISES]

DO YOU ENJOY YOUR WORK?'

[GAGGING CONTINUES]

SURE IT HAPPENS TO YOU

AND ME...BUT HIM?

NO, HE HAS NO PROBLEM.

'SO, FOR A LIVING YOU'RE

A VENTRILOQUIST?'"

WHY, YES I AM.

[LAUGHTER]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHAT?"

YOU'RE NUTS.

"WHAT?"

YOU'RE NUTS.

"I'M NOT NUTS, YOU'RE NUTS."

NO, I'M NOT.

"YOU ARE.

YOU'RE SICK."

WHAT?

"YOU'RE SICK."

I'M NOT SICK.

"YOU'RE SICK."

I AM NOT SICK!

"YOU'RE ARGUING WITH YOURSELF!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND LOSING!

THEY'RE GONNA LOCK YOUR ASS UP

ONE DAY.

YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA COME VISIT

YOU.

'DADDY, WHY ARE YOU IN THAT

PADDED CELL?'

I'M NOT IN HERE.

YES, I AM.

NO, I'M NOT!

YES, I AM.

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU BETTER HOPE IT'S A HOSPITAL

AND NOT A PRISON."

WHY?

"YOU WOULDN'T DO TOO WELL

IN PRISON."

WHY NOT?

"COME HERE, PUPPET BOY.

[LAUGHTER]

MAKE YOUR DADDY TALK."

OH, YOU STOP IT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Jeff Dunham: "CHECK IT OUT!"

ARE YOU READY?

"SI, SEÑOR."

NOW SOME FOLKS DON'T KNOW.

TELL 'EM WHAT YOU ARE.

"I'M THE JALAPENO ON THE STICK."

[LAUGHTER]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

"THAT'S OUR JALAPENO ON A

STICK."

TELL 'EM YOUR NAME.

"MY NAME JOSE."

"JOSE WHAT?"

"JOSE JALAPENO.

ON A STICK."

[LAUGHTER]

"AND YOU'RE MEXICAN?"

"NO, SEÑOR, MEXICANS ARE FROM

MEXICO.

I'M PUERTO RICAN."

AH.

"I'M FROM NEW YORK CITY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JOSE, I UNDERSTAND YOU JUST GOT

BACK FROM VACATION.

"SI, SEÑOR."

"WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?"

VACATION.

"OH, WHAT THE HELL?"

WHAT?

"JOSE GOT VACATION?"

YEAH.

"WHERE WAS I?"

IN THE SUITCASE.

"OH, YOU SUCK.

JOSE, WHERE'D YOU GO?"

"I WENT TO ALASKA."

"DID YOU HAVE FUN."

"NO."

"HA! WAIT, WHY NOT?"

"I FROZE ON A STICK."

[LAUGHTER]

"THAT HAD TO HURT.

HOW DO YOU GET ON THE STICK?"

I DON'T KNOW.

"PROBABLY A HORRIBLE POGO

ACCIDENT."

WHAT?

"YOU KNOW, DOING, DOING

[MAKES NOISE].

OLE!"

[LAUGHTER]

"STOP LOOKING AT MY STICK."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"MAYBE HE MOONED A JAVELIN

THROWER."

WILL YA JU--

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T LOOK AT THE STICK.

"I'M NOT LOOKIN' AT THE STICK."

I SAW YOU LOOK.

"I SAW YOU DID, TOO."

I DID NOT.

"I SAW YOU LOOK.

DON'T LOOK ANYMORE."

I'M NOT.

"DON'T LOOK."

I'M NOT.

"YOU'RE HOLDING IT."

WHAT?

"YOU'RE HOLDING IT."

WHAT?

"YOU'RE HOLDING HIS STICK."

"HE HAS A POINT, SEÑOR."

MAYBE I SHOULD LET GO.

"YEAH."

"NO."

WHY NOT?

"I DO NOT WANT TO FALL."

OH.

"I WOULD THEN BE JOSE JALAPENO

ON THE FLOOR."

[LAUGHTER]

DO A LITTLE TAP DANCE, WE GOT

SALSA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, NOW THAT'S TERRIBLE.

"NOT WITH THE RIGHT KIND OF

CHIPS, IT'S NOT."

WILL YOU STOP IT?

PEANUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE

TO APOLOGIZE.

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT.

JOSE, I'M-- I'M SORRY."

"IT'S OKAY."

OKAY.

"I HOPE YOU DIE."

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE

TO BE NICER TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, IS HE--

"COMO ESTA USTED?"

"MUY BIEN."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

"I'M SPEAKING TO JOSE IN HIS

NATIVE TONGUE."

WELL, DON'T DO THAT.

"WHY NOT?"

WELL, IT MAKES ME FEEL LEFT OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

"HUH?"

WELL, I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU ARE A SICK PERSON, SEÑOR."

"YOU'RE A SICK GUY..."

"ON A STICK."

JOSE, WOULD YOU FEEL BETTER IN

THE BOX?

"IT WAS NICER IN THE BOX."

OKAY.

"OOH, DON'T DROP THEM.

ACTUALLY, THAT WOULD'VE BEEN

FUNNY AS HELL."

JOSE, IS THAT OKAY?

"IT'S OKAY."

OKAY.

"DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR."

"WHY NOT?"

"COCKROACHES."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU HAVE COCKROACHES IN THERE?"

"ONE BIG ONE."

I SEE.

"ON A STICK."

[LAUGHTER]

SAY GOODNIGHT, JOSE.

"GOODNIGHT, JOSE."

AND THAT'S JOSE JALAPENO ON A

STICK.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

Jeff Dunham: AND NOW,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE

TO INTRODUCE SOMEONE THAT

I THINK AUDIENCES ENJOY,

BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONE

LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE THIS

IN YOUR OWN FAMILY OR WHERE YOU

WORK.

PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME WALTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SHUT THE HELL UP.

DA-HAA-HAA-HAA!

HATE THIS DAMN JOB."

WHY?

"MAKE ME FOLLOW THE PURPLE

IDIOT, HE'S LIKE A MUPPET

ON CRACK AND THEN THAT FILIPINO

ON A STICK."

HE'S A JALAPENO.

WELL, HE'S A JALAPENO.

"JALAPENO, FILIPINO, JUST PUT IT

ON A STICK AND GET HIM THE HELL

OUTTA HERE.

HIM AND THAT SUPERHERO IDIOT."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MELVIN?

"HE'S IN THE TRUNK ALL DAY

GOING, DA-DA-DA!"

THAT "D" ON HIS CHEST STANDS FOR

'DUMBASS.'

HIS THEME SONG SHOULD BE

DA-DA-DUMBASS."

WALTER, AREN'T YOU HAPPY TO BE

HERE?

"OH, OVERJOYED, FRICKIN'

NEW YORK, COULDN'T FIND NO PLACE

TO PARK.

AND SOME JERK PULLED UP IN A

BRAND-NEW MERCEDES GOES RIGHT

IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT.

HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.

DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

DON'T YOU?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I RAN HIM OVER.

I MADE AN HONEST MAN OUT OF HIM.

THEN HIS MOTHER GOT OFF THE

OTHER AND STARTED SWINGING HER

CRUTCHES AT ME.

TOOK HER OUT WITH THE DOOR."

DON'T YOU FEEL KINDA BAD?

"OH, HELL, THEY CAN CARPOOL."

WALTER, I UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE'S

IN TOWN.

"OH, YEAH."

SHE HAVING A GOOD TIME?

"SHE ALWAYS HAS A GOOD TIME."

GOOD.

"PISSES ME OFF."

YOU GUYS GOT IN ANOTHER ARGUMENT

THIS MORNING, DIDN'T YOU?

"YEAH."

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT

WOMEN AGE LIKE FINE WINE.

"SHE'S AGING LIKE MILK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

"46 YEARS."

OH.

"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

12 YEARS.

"YOU'LL SEE."

WHAT?

"REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID TILL

DEATH DO US PART?"

YEAH.

"LATER, YOU REALIZED YOU WERE

ACTUALLY SETTING A GOAL."

[LAUGHTER]

WALTER, WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE

TO YOU?

"MARRIAGE TO ME IS LIKE DRINKING

A FROZEN DRINK."

FROZEN DRINK?

"FIRST COUPLA SIPS IT'S LIKE

BOY, IT'S REALLY GOOD, I'M GLAD

I DID THIS."

AND YOU KEEP DRINKING AND YOU

HAVE TOO MUCH.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, "OW, OW,

OW, OW. OH, MY HEAD.

THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE.

GETTIN' MARRIED'S KINDA LIKE

BUYING A NEW CAR."

NEW CAR?

"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE THAT CAR

IN THE SHOWROOM FLOOR JUST

BEFORE YOU TAKE IT HOME?"

YEAH.

"THAT'S AS GOOD AS IT'S EVER

GONNA LOOK.

PRETTY SOON IT'LL HAVE DENTS

AND SCRATCHES.

PARTS START TO WEAR OUT.

THEN THE NEW MODEL'S COME OUT

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OH, OH.

HONEY, COULD I JUST SIT IN IT?"

[LAUGHTER]

WALTER, HOW'S THE SEX?

"YOU IDIOT, I'M MARRIED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M TOO OLD."

YOU'RE NOT TOO OLD.

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?"

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I DO KNOW I HAD

GRANDPARENTS, WHO WELL INTO

THEIR 80s, WERE STILL HAVING

FUN.

"THEIR 80s?

THE HELL KINDA SEX IS THAT?

'WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?'

'I DON'T REMEMBER.'

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'IT WAS THREE MINUTES AGO.'

'WHO ARE YOU?'"

COME ON, WALTER, SERIOUSLY.

HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU

AND YOUR WIFE MAKE LOVE?

"TIMES A WEEK?

GOOD GOD.

I HAVE TO USE A DECIMAL

TO ANSWER THIS ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY, LATELY, IT'S BEEN

NONE.

AND I'M PUSHING FOR LESS."

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, HOW WAS YOUR LOVE LIFE

BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?

"OH.

I USED TO DATE THIS EXOTIC WOMAN

FROM INDIA."

INDIA?

"OH, SURE.

TOOK ME HOME TO VISIT HER

FAMILY.

THAT'S A WEIRD-ASS COUNTRY

OVER THERE."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH INDIA?

"NOTHING.

I JUST DON'T GET IT."

WHAT?

"ALL THE WOMEN GOT THE RED DOTS

ON THEIR FOREHEAD.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

'YOU ARE HERE?'

[LAUGHTER]

THE RED DOT INDICATES THAT THE

WOMAN IS MARRIED.

"OH, WELL, THAT'S A MORE

EFFICIENT SYSTEM THAN WHAT WE

GOT."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"WE GOT RINGS."

SO?

"WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU GO INTO A CLUB HERE,

WHERE'S YOUR HAND?

I CAN'T SEE THE RING.

IT'S UNDER THE TABLE.

WHERE'S THE DAMN RING,

I DON'T SEE.

GO TO A CLUB IN INDIA, DOT, DOT,

NO DOT, NO DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,

DOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, LET'S CONNECT 'EM."

OH, STOP IT.

"BING, COFFEE'S READY."

STOP IT.

YOU'RE GONNA GET ME IN TROUBLE.

"I DON'T CARE.

WE'RE FLYING OUTTA HERE IN

THE MORNING.

I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING

TO THE DAMN AIRPORT."

YOU DON'T LIKE SECURITY?

"NO.

SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE

SECURITY CRAP."

WELL, WALTER GOES THROUGH

SECURITY A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY

THAN WE DO.

WE WALK THROUGH THE METAL

DETECTOR.

"NOT ME."

NO.

HE'S IN MY CARRY-ON.

"YOU CHEAP BASTARD.

I GO IN THE X-RAY MACHINE.

I'M GONNA HAVE CANCER TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY HEAD LOOKS LIKE

IN AN X-RAY?

I GOT WIRES AND LEVERS.

I'M GOING THROUGH, AND THE OTHER

DAY, THE GUY STOPS THE BELT.

HE LOOKS AT THE SCREEN.

HE TURNED TO JEFF.

HE GOES, 'SIR, LOOKS LIKE YOU

GOT A BOMB IN YOUR SUITCASE.'

OH, GENIUS HERE GOES, 'NO, SIR,

IT'S A HEAD.'

[LAUGHTER]

SWEAR TO GOD, THE GUY GOES,

'OH, WELL HAVE A NICE DAY.'"

WALTER, HAVE YOU ENJOYED THIS

CROWD?

"YOU'VE BEEN A LOVELY AUDIENCE."

THAT'S WALTER, THERE WE GO,

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

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